This is an email thread from my friend (who will be renamed Liz in case people want to throw things at her. But please don’t. She’s awesome):
Liz: I read your post last week about the royal baby. You are insane. Babies are amazing. They are the tiny miracles that spring from a woman’s womb.
me: Well, so do tampons, but I’m not going to adopt one and send it to college.
Liz: Ew. Also, tampons don’t go in your womb. If you’ve hit the womb you’ve gone too far.
me: You sound like google maps. But for tampons.
Liz: And you’re changing the subject. A woman MAKES a human being. That’s a miracle.
me: We also make poop and snot and up to 4 pints of saliva a day. It’s not all cookie-cutter babies, Liz. We’re not easy-bake ovens, for God’s sakes.
Liz: And that’s another thing. You could be a little nicer to God.
me: God supposedly made me this way so I’m fairly certain he’s not surprised. I don’t blame him when shit goes wrong and he doesn’t punish me for making jokes that he’s probably forwarding in heaven. If they have forwarded emails in heaven. Which I hope they don’t.
Liz: You’re not supposed to blame God for anything. If bad things happen it’s probably because he’s testing you. “God sometimes takes us into troubled waters not to drown us, but to cleanse us.”
me: Yeah, but sometimes he drowns us. That “sometimes” is a pretty fucking big loophole.
Liz: GOD DOESN’T DROWN PEOPLE.
me: Well someone’s drowning them, Liz. It’s not like people float. Except for Jesus, apparently. Jesus he gave special, invisible water-wings. And I’m pretty sure that’s called “nepotism.”
Liz: I’m going to hell just for having this conversation.
me: No. You are doing God’s work. And He would be proud.
Liz: THANK YOU.
me: …because he’s probably very busy drowning people right now and he needs you to cover for him while he’s busy.
Liz: DO NOT MAKE ME LAUGH AT GOD DROWNING PEOPLE.
me: I can’t help it, Liz. That’s free will. Besides, maybe I’m just a test. God is testing you. With me.
Liz: And I think I’m failing miserably.
me: Nah. You ‘re at least getting a C. You are very patient and understanding and a good example of what a Christian should be like. Good work. Love, Satan.
Liz: Satan?
me: Just kidding. It’s me. I was testing you again and you passed. I’m like God, but I grade you on a bell curve. And I don’t drown people. Usually. I guess it depends on who they are.
Liz: You wouldn’t drown anyone. And God doesn’t either.
me: I’d drown Hitler. I’m pretty sure I’d get a pass on that one. Even God would be like “High-five, peaches.”
Liz: Peaches?
me: In my mind, God calls me “Peaches.” He also just looks like a big ball of light in my mind and so it’s weird that he’d offer me a high-five since he doesn’t have any hands. Way to leave me hanging, God.
Liz: We should probably not talk about religion anymore.
me: It’s amazing how often I get that.