This is an email thread from my friend (who will be renamed Liz in case people want to throw things at her. But please don’t. She’s awesome):
Liz: I read your post last week about the royal baby. You are insane. Babies are amazing. They are the tiny miracles that spring from a woman’s womb.
me: Well, so do tampons, but I’m not going to adopt one and send it to college.
Liz: Ew. Also, tampons don’t go in your womb. If you’ve hit the womb you’ve gone too far.
me: You sound like google maps. But for tampons.
Liz: And you’re changing the subject. A woman MAKES a human being. That’s a miracle.
me: We also make poop and snot and up to 4 pints of saliva a day. It’s not all cookie-cutter babies, Liz. We’re not easy-bake ovens, for God’s sakes.
Liz: And that’s another thing. You could be a little nicer to God.
me: God supposedly made me this way so I’m fairly certain he’s not surprised. I don’t blame him when shit goes wrong and he doesn’t punish me for making jokes that he’s probably forwarding in heaven. If they have forwarded emails in heaven. Which I hope they don’t.
Liz: You’re not supposed to blame God for anything. If bad things happen it’s probably because he’s testing you. “God sometimes takes us into troubled waters not to drown us, but to cleanse us.”
me: Yeah, but sometimes he drowns us. That “sometimes” is a pretty fucking big loophole.
Liz: GOD DOESN’T DROWN PEOPLE.
me: Well someone’s drowning them, Liz. It’s not like people float. Except for Jesus, apparently. Jesus he gave special, invisible water-wings. And I’m pretty sure that’s called “nepotism.”
Liz: I’m going to hell just for having this conversation.
me: No. You are doing God’s work. And He would be proud.
Liz: THANK YOU.
me: …because he’s probably very busy drowning people right now and he needs you to cover for him while he’s busy.
Liz: DO NOT MAKE ME LAUGH AT GOD DROWNING PEOPLE.
me: I can’t help it, Liz. That’s free will. Besides, maybe I’m just a test. God is testing you. With me.
Liz: And I think I’m failing miserably.
me: Nah. You ‘re at least getting a C. You are very patient and understanding and a good example of what a Christian should be like. Good work. Love, Satan.
me: Just kidding. It’s me. I was testing you again and you passed. I’m like God, but I grade you on a bell curve. And I don’t drown people. Usually. I guess it depends on who they are.
Liz: You wouldn’t drown anyone. And God doesn’t either.
me: I’d drown Hitler. I’m pretty sure I’d get a pass on that one. Even God would be like “High-five, peaches.”
me: In my mind, God calls me “Peaches.” He also just looks like a big ball of light in my mind and so it’s weird that he’d offer me a high-five since he doesn’t have any hands. Way to leave me hanging, God.
Liz: We should probably not talk about religion anymore.
me: It’s amazing how often I get that.
374 thoughts on “If I drown this week this is all going to seem very ironic.”
Read comments below or add one.
Awesome. I don’t know if she’s for real serious, but she handled you well.
Of course she KNOWS you and should then have expected the conversation to unfold the way it did.
I’m always pretty sure God just rolls his eyes at most of my conversations so, we’re in the same boat.
And you would absolutely drown you some Hitler, Peaches.
Priceless! Just when I think you can’t get any more hilarious you raise the bar. Well done, Peaches. Well done.
In my mind God is those rays of light that you see when driving down the freeway and it’s either about to rain or it just stopped. So God couldn’t high five me either. But I’d high five you. Thwack. Virtual high five.
I don’t know – I’d love to hear you give a sermon at my church. I’d even stay awake through it 🙂
/worst trolling attempt ever.
I absolutely adore you! you relay conversations I have all the time!
They do say it is best to avoid religion and politics, but I, for one, hope you keep talking about it! 😉
You’re going to hell, Peaches. (I’ll save you a seat.)
Oh I am sitting in mg car, laughing at my phone because of you. Thanks.
Don’t worry, Jenny. If I get to hell before you, I’ll save you a good seat!
Seriously, I’m a militant agnostic (I don’t know and neither do you) but I’m banking on the idea that any God worth worshiping isn’t a petty asshole like a lot of people seem to think. I mean, I’m sure he’s got a sense of humor; look at this tumblr for example. http://wtfevolution.tumblr.com/
If you think about it, if he’s omnipotent, he can high-5 you WITHOUT HANDS.
that’s more miraculous than laboriously expelling a parasite.
To that I say, ““High-five, peaches.”
Because I’m God. Obviously. And, that piece was beyond in both the categories of awesomeness and hilarity.
I can honestly say that I would not be so gracious. 😉
From one Heathen to another, good work.
Okay maybe God laughs at your jokes and forwards them but I’m pretty sure he gasps in horror when we, um, practice self-abuse, if you know what I mean. I can see Him standing there, looking down at us, hands on hips, saying “why do you people keep DOING that? It’s not a toy you know. God!” (Or in this case, “Me!”)
Hilarious! I think God can totally high-five us. At least my God can…but I’m not sure he’s like other people’s God’s because He’s not really into drowning people. Though he is into watching them drown occasionally and saying, “Them’s the breaks, Hitler. Way to hold him under, Peaches.”
“You could be a little nicer to God.”
I wasn’t aware that God is a delicate flower that needed her protecting. Are the emo kids just misunderstood souls preparing for the Rapture?
I’m sure there’s a lost book of the Bible somewhere dealing with a prophet named Peaches or something similar. Peaches of Nazareth?
“Peaches of Nazareth,” spoke God. “Be fruitful, and multiply.”
I am going to spend at least half of my productive writing time this morning thinking of the nickname I want God(s) to call me in my hypothetical deity conversations . . . My first thought was Pumpkin, but I can do better . . . and Lord knows (?!), I will grab at any excuse to do something other than writing.
I am going to totally start calling people Peaches now. Not because I think I’m God, but because I do think that’s totally something s/he would say.
This has made a terrible day full of laughter. Thank you, Jenny. I’d call you Peaches, but I feel like that’s special between you and your ball of light.
My morning at work is much better now! Thanks!
You’re too funny for God! 🙂
Your blog is one of the best additions to my life, ever!!
I’d be sure to shower instead of bathe for a while. Just in case.
You should just start your own religion… I WOULD FOLLOW THAT RELIGION!!!!
HAHAHAHA! Oh my God, and I thought I was bad. I just turned 34, and I’ve been telling everyone that I outlived Jesus. *waits for lightning to strike*
Hysterical! This is every conversation I have with my spouse everyday… but it usually ends with me just pinching his nipple to win
You. Are. My. Favorite.
God didn’t leave you hanging on the virtual high-five. He was testing you. And you failed. *shakes head sadly, grabs snorkel*
Reading this was the most fun I’ve had on a Wednesday morning in a long time.
Peaches. I suppose it’s better than “foolish mortal.”
Life jackets are cute. Don’t forget yours, Peaches.
When you get to Hell, look me up. I’ll be waiting in the bathroom with Xanax and vodka. And peaches.
A miracle is an effect or extraordinary event that surpasses all known human or natural powers. Considering that there are approximately 370,000 babies born every single day, babies are the least miraculous things ever.
Hahahaha! Love it, “Peaches”!
God calls me “Nanaboo.” My mom told me when I was a kid, and I’ve always liked it more than my real name, which people never pronounce properly.
Um…God lets people drown. Of course he’s only liable if he had a duty to rescue. Does god have a duty to save people who are drowning? This just got tricky. I may have to write a law review article about this now…
God has a sense of humor. Just look at the platypus.
Bahahahaha. Awesome. I have had similar conversations in the past. One, with my brother (who is way more religious than I ever plan to be), included a discussion about Jesus riding a donkey while wearing a tube top. Pretty sure he prays for me a lot. Or maybe he’s given up. Either way.
I think Jesus would totally rock a tube top, by the way. At least I am complimentary in my sacrilege.
Hahahaha nicely done, peaches!! 🙂 if Church was this fun perhaps i’d go more often.
Jesus only approved of half drownings. baptism by submersion.
Nope, God never drowns people. Oh! Except for that flood thing where he had this guy named Noah build a big-ass boat…
Keep it up, Peaches!
“Peaches of Nazareth” is my Christian Black Sabbath cover band
Babies are like little glazed donuts covered in snot, and dog hair (if they are in my house, which they aren’t, since I am a non breeder). I do agree with Liz, God doesn’t drown people. And you are right, God isnt surprised, he made you and I am sure he loves you even more than we do .. that’s alot!
Pretty sure God put you here to explain all this shit for real. Just makes sense
I am going to need a life jacket and a reservation for a seat in hell. I am in bed today, suffering through a fibromyalgia flare up and this post has cheered me up immensely.
You get me. You really do get me. Not bad for never having met me, thought of me, or considered me a possibility ever.
I am sort of wishing I had an easy bake oven womb now. I could just mix this, that, the other and DING baby is done! Cooked by the light bulb of my liver. Although they don’t use light bulbs now these days, I guess. Sad.
This is so deliciously inappropriate! 😀
You kill me.
I was seriously thinking *just* this morning that it’s been a long time since you’ve posted anything really offensive. Like, I don’t remember the last time you talked about Jesus’s ballsack! Or vagimints, even. Or, maybe my perception of *offensive* is skewed. Probably that last thing.
God did give Jesus miraculous water wings, but he also let him get nailed to a cross. Pretty big tradeoff there. If I were Jesus, I probably would have checked to see what my other choices were before accepting said water wings. Just a thought…
I’m pretty sure that was the best thread EVER! Great logic. I would pay good money to watch you in a smack down with any of those Westboro Baptist wingnuts. And it’s Peaches for the win!!
First, I love that God calls you Peaches!
Second, Total pass on drowning Hitler. You should make a list of all the people you could get a pass for drowning. Uh, just for fun. You know.
“It’s not like people float.”
Sure they do. Who are you, some 16th/17th-century witchfinder?
I mean, I don’t. But I’m not a witch.
Does Liz drink martinis? Because I think you might just owe her one. Or several. Just a thought.
God calls me “noodle.”
Oh Lord you need Jesus, you so wrong
Stealing the “God is testing you. With me.” 😉
I fail horribly at religon talk so I keep my mouth shut and just nod. I offend less people that way.
On another note, I let my cousin read my copy of your book and he’s loving it. He’s gay. We live in south Texas. He called me to tell me he owns a gun armoire. He said he never thought about it and loves that name way better.
LOL… I want a conversation with you and I wish I could think that fast so I could be that amazing to talk to.
Just look at all these people using God’s special name for you
I am surprised it didn’t come up- But What about Noah? … I think god drowned a lot of people that day – unless they weren’t people, Is god racist?
“God doesn’t drown people!” – I bet that Noah guy would have words on this… Seems like he once drowned almost ALL of the people, literally, at once. Of course, it’s just a story – and Noah was probably a boat builder a couple of cubits short of a yardarm, but still… drowning people is DEFINITELY on the table.
Any God that doesn’t have a sense of humor and doesn’t support drowning Hitler is no God of mine!
OMG im cracking up in the Romans restroom right now. I know people think I’m insane. Who laughs as they go. Lol. Great convo and I also image GOD as a giant ball of light.
You’re like the only person who can write/talk about anything and not offend me. I need a “Jenny Filter” to put over my head (ears & eyes covered) for people that I know offend me. Do you have one for sale in your store?
This is the best thing I’ve read in a long time. Spectacular! Thanks for the heartfelt laugh.
“Liz: We should probably not talk about religion anymore.”
yeah… well you brought it up. :rolleyes:
A few thoughts:
1. God doesn’t drown anybody. Though if Hitler had found himself in anything larger than a bathtub, God might have given him the skills to do nothing more than a weak doggy-paddle.
2. Little-known money-saver: You may not *want* to send a tampon to college, but under an IRS loophole, you *can* set up a 529 college-savings plan for one! And all the money you put in, plus the interest, will accumulate tax deferred!
3. I don’t think Jesus had wings, but he *could* turn water into wine. Maybe he could drink himself out of certain near-drowning situations?
4. Some people think God is mean and vengeful, but I say someone who calls one of his creations “Peaches” sounds pretty friendly and accessible.
I am so glad I’m not easily offended, otherwise I couldn’t laugh so hard that I gave myself an abdominal cramp. People who are easily offended must not laugh that much. They probably *tsk* instead, and then go tell their friend how inappropriate you are. That just seems sad. And judgy.
This entire conversation is made of awesome. And now I want to go swimming.
Best. Post. Ever.
If you worshiped at the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, he would high-five you with one of his noodley appendages. For what that’s worth…
I love this. I wish I could paste it all over my forehead for the world to see. Or God. Maybe God would see it.
BTW- I have read every page of your blog in the last few months. I love your sense of humor. You are one strong amazingly funny and honest chick. I like that. I also enjoy your posts on perscription and non perscription drugs. I crack the f up.
This is your best post ever!
The only thing I love more than religious humor is chocolate. And chocolate IS my God. All hail THE CHOCOLATE!
This is my favorite post on religion anywhere ever. LOVE IT.
Jesus is totally laughing at this right now.
By Jesus, I don’t mean Jesus Christ, per se, but my gardener, Jesus, who’s reading this right now.
Just kidding, I’m poor and don’t have a gardener. I just figured if I did, his name would be Jesus. Is that racist? I don’t know. God, I love you. You too, Mrs. Lawson.
I like to think of God as my adorably grumpy Seventh grade civics teacher. Grumbly and hard on the outside, but on the inside, still pretty annoyed by everything.
And Jesus is his totally cool son, that tries really hard to prove he is not as grumpy as his dad, but is really, really good at insulting folks in a funny way that totally goes over their heads. And he is all, “You, Dad! Why you gotta be such a buzzkill all the time? I totes wanted to go to the school dance with Becky, and you had to ruin it by giving her Leprosy. This is why we can’t communicate effectively!” Because God prefers to do passive aggressive things to show his displeasure over his son’s life choices. And I totally understand why. Becky is a total bitch. I would not want her as a daughter in Law either.
I feel like this was all an elaborate rouse to get us to start calling you Peaches. Well played.
One of the few bright spots of being temporarily unemployed is that I can read your blog at ease and actually laugh out loud…instead of waiting until no one was near my prison cell (read: desk) and then quickly navigating to your blog, speed reading, and suppressing the laughter. Let me tell you, that shit is bad for your health, I nearly gave myself a hernia once…or twice…or like eleventy million times.
I have a rule about not talking about religion with friends. It usually gets weird, not bloggess weird, but weird. 🙂
Speaking of snot…. It came right outta my nose at the first mention of “Peaches!” You will no longer be The Bloggess to me, you’ll now be “Peaches.” =]
Totally gonna blow out some candles and wish that I could have crazy conversations with Jenny every. single. day.
But I guess ya’ll have to pretend you didn’t read this/force your brains to forget …or my wish won’t come true.
You’re right (about that little guy with the bad ‘stache), I’d totally be like, Way to go, Peaches! (High Five!)
But seriously, cut back a little on the blasphemy, ya makin’ me look bad.
Haha, God-cha! (See what I did there?) No sweat, you can keep the zingers comin’, I can take it!
(I need a good laugh now and then, with what some of you idiots down there are doing, present company excepted… Gotta smote me some Congress pretty soon.)
Because really, there’s a very, very good chance I don’t actually exist.
Lovely work, as usual, but having read it aloud to my wife, she says to curse you for putting “Peaches” by the Presidents of the United States of America into her head for the rest of the day.
That was the best dialogue ever! That’s why I heart you Jenny L. 😉
Happy as hell that I clicked on this today. It sets just the tone I’m going to need to get through the week. Now I just need to get an Amen from somewhere.
The friends that you can have low-brow banter like that without getting offended are the best. Especially when such banter meanders into tasteless territory.
PS: Tasteless Territory sounds like it is part of a badly translated description of a foreign theme park, no?
PPS: I only found one person who I can do this with on ANY subject, so I married him 🙂
Love this! The Oatmeal posted my favorite religion post of all time but this is a VERY close second! High five and rock on Peaches!
It’s God using you as an instrument to test people and prove that humor is all we need to live.
Amazing conversation! 🙂
Thanks, yet again, for that! <3
In my mind God is the God from Monty Python movies. “Oh stop all this sniveling and whining” peeking at us over a cloud and rolling his eyes dramatically.
That being said, I’d love to know your actual non-sarcastic (is that possible?) thoughts on the big G.
Hey Peaches…..Liz is wrong…God did drowned people!!
Did she forget about Noah and the Ark already? Just saying….in case the argument comes up again and in your world that could totally happen!
Joan of Arcadia begot Peaches of Nazareth, right?
You totally won teh interwebz today.
I dunno about Jesus and his water wings, but I’d like a shot at Moses superpowers. Like you know, summoning fire tornadoes and making the river into blood. Good stuff.
I fight with God, daily. Mostly because I’m mad at Her for making things so tough for my boyfriend. Then She tells me to mind my own business and I get struck with lightening. Yes, really. (No, not really. But it sure as shit feels that way.) The Goddess doesn’t call me Peaches. She calls me “Brat.” It’s really a shame that my family mourns the fact that I am “no longer religious.”
I might actually get the trophy for the weirdest person to comment on Jenny’s page. I should bake me a cake or something to celebrate.
If God ” just looks like a big ball of light in my mind”…I think you may have him confused with Glinda the Good Witch of the North.
So when I was a kid I totally conflated God with Santa Claus because I really couldn’t reconcile the thought that TWO old dudes could see everything I do and then judge me on it. So now I’m totally am adult and I can’t imagine God without seeing Santa. So he can totally give high fives and give you a little present under the tree for drowning Hitler.
When I grow up, I wanna be just like Peaches…or Karen from Will n Grace. I can’t decide who has more pills n booze?
I really think you should look into legally changing your name to Peaches.
This is reminiscent of Operation Blowhole..:.which I’ve been forced to listen to a few too many times. But it might just be the ‘Peaches’ part.
It is only in the bulletin from the Holy High-Five Church of Peaches would I be given the amazing news that would shake the very foundation of my ideas on Life , The Universe and Everything…
When did Easy Bake ovens stop using *light bulbs*?
You are fecking brilliant!
Awesomeness. Pure. Awesomeness.
I’m so glad depression didn’t claim me, because I’d miss this stuff. I’m a Sunday School teacher, and I laughed my ass off! God put you here to cheer us up!
God has a great sense of humor. Have you ever seen a platypus? I rest my case.
Now I’m going to hell for laughing at drowning people. Have you heard this one: How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
Reading this post was like watching trailers at the movies. I forgot what the topic of the post was once I got distracted by the God stuff.
I heart you. I hope you’re feeling all better now.
I’m going to really try to control what I write here and just say “Yeah, Baby!” in the voice of Austin Powers instead.
I know you think “Liz” is awesome and that’s cool because you know her so we’ll take your word for it, but I’d prefer my friends to be a bit less judgey-preachy. I get enough of that from my mother.
Also, now I can’t get that “Goin’ to the country, gonna eat a lot of peaches” song out of my head…
I’m with you. I figure God made me the obsessive-compulsive clusterfuck that I am, so He’d be cool with my weirdness. I think he may even get a kick out of it, like He’s watching me with a bowl of popcorn in front of him. With extra butter, because He doesn’t have to worry about cholesterol and stuff. I don’t think He is easily offended.
wait, I just reread the first couple of sentences and liz said babies “spring” from the womb? hmm. i’m not sure i’d use the word “spring,” but I’ve only had four. mine more like “exited painfully” or “clawed their way to the light.”
This is also an oldie, but goody: “I am the punishment of God…If you had not committed great sins, God would not have sent a punishment like me upon you.”
? Genghis Khan
I don’t consider this insulting at all…I’ve heard much worse!
I had to go to a family dinner last night with my very conservative/religious NUT side of the family. I was still frowning this morning for having to keep my 40 year old mouth shut most of the evening.
This BRIGHTENED MY DAY!!!!
good job peaches. i won’t drown you….this week.
Possibly Imaginary God did all sorts of bad shit to people, according to the Bible. Drowning, turning into pillars of salt, fire and brimstone, sending angels to kill all the firstborn boys, on and on… That dude can never turn down a good ostentatious murdering. So basically God is Michael Bay. I’m not entirely sure that’s comforting.
I freaking love it!!!
She is an example of what a fantastic friend should be.
Right on, Liz.
Thanks for cheering me up when I’m currently, obsessively listening on the monitor as my cranky daughter not-naps.
I wish we could be friends. I never have conversations like this and I can’t help but feel they would complete me.
This sounds a LOT like some of the conversations I SHOULD be having with the Almighty.
You GO, Peaches.
Am I the only one who thinks that The Bloggess just gave herself a new nickname? 😀
Thanks for the laugh. And since I finally watched the slow loris video, thanks for that – I think I found my spirit animal. I like things that look terrified all the time, much as I do.
*applause* You. Are. Fabulous!
oh jesus that’s funny.
Nepotism? Religion is a giant good ol’ boys club.
That’s funny. In my mind god looks like a ball of light, too. Ball of light god came to me in a dream once and insisted that I quit smoking. There was also a magic cursed guitar that once belonged to Robert Johnson, and explosions, and kittens. God did not call me Peaches, though.
Making a baby isn’t a miracle, it’s SCIENCE. Really, really gross science.
I imagine most conversations with you end with the other person throwing up their hands and walking away. You: 1 Them: 0.
I think I have fallen in love with the person who wrote they are 34 and say they are older than Jesus was. I am turning thirty so I will keep that in mind for the future. If there is a hell, I doubt you’ll be there. You have helped so many people by speaking out about mental illness and the stigma attached. And making us all laugh at the same time. That is so much more valuable than church every week.
Why is it people act as tho God is thin-skinned and pissy, but when you don’t want to hear it, they tell you of his unending, unconditional love?
Is he British in your head too? He very is in mine. Sexiest accent and just that little bit snarky. He’s all down to earth with the drowning of people. “You know I can have people do this for me, but I enjoy being hands on.” He’s easy to talk to.
So, wait, do you call God “Herb” then? Or is that only when you’re singing duets together?
Crap. I just gave myself earworm. Herbdammit.
God grant me the serenity to accept the religion I cannot change, courage to drown the Hitlers I can, and wisdom to know the difference between tampons and babies.
And this is why your book is funnier than the Bible!
In my mind. god looks like a ball of light, at first, in the distance. But then as he gets closer, you can tell he’s Morgan Freeman But 90s-era Morgan Freeman, not the caricature of Morgan Freeman that Morgan Freeman now is.
It’s shocking how alike we think. I like you more and more every day. You’re totally going to heaven just for the sheer joy you bring people.
Reminds me a little of this poem
God Says Yes To Me
I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic
and she said yes
I asked her if it was okay to be short
and she said it sure is
I asked her if I could wear nail polish
or not wear nail polish
and she said honey
she calls me that sometimes
she said you can do just exactly
what you want to
Thanks God I said
And is it even okay if I don’t paragraph
Sweetcakes God said
who knows where she picked that up
what I’m telling you is
Yes Yes Yes
I can picture Victor sitting in the background shaking his head at your side of the conversation, lol! You’re right, God made you just the way you are and probably thinks that you’re just as funny as I do. He makes people like you to balance out the tight-asses out there.
Coincidentally, Peaches was the name of the “devil” in the cartoon Rocko’s Modern Life. He lived in Heck.
I just imagined that ball of light talking like Morgan Freeman and this post went from hilarious to awesome. Thank you for that laugh.
I know nothing about Christianity, I’m Pagan born & bred. Which means I can pretty much do what I want. Including threatening to drown my bosses kid when he was splashing me in the pool. I told him if he didn’t quit it, I would hold his head under the water until the bubbles stopped & I suffered no ill effects from my threat….apart from being fired…except not really, I made that bit up. Come join us on the dark side! You’d love it & sometimes we dance naked around the woods……
Let’s go ask Noah if God drowns people… I’m sure he’d have some interesting comments… lol
God totally drowned a bunch of people. He even make some random guy to build a crazy-big boat so people were all busy taking photos of that nonsense instead of noticing that they were drowning their asses off.
Just in case you wanted to know this, I’m a Rabbi, and I think that this conversation is AWESOME. Theology, Theodicy and tampons? Just awesome.
Best email conversation ever.
To think I usually just get spam or emails from my boss telling to get things done. Nowhere near as fun.
& Iris, I think god would look like William Hartnell (as Dr Who, of course!)
I’m totally finding a way to use “God supposedly made me this way so I’m fairly certain he’s not surprised” in some conversation in the future.
Just when I think you can’t make me laugh any harder……..you do this.
I am an atheist but I am fairly sure god has drowned (a lot)people before…along with animals and plants.
I have a room reserved in hell. I already picked out the wrought iron lawn set. It’s going to brand funny symbols on my ass when I sit on it. You are welcome to stop by. You can sit in the ‘Barry Manilow lyric’ chair.
God has an awesome sense of humour ( I am English, that IS how you spell humour) God made testicles, anyone thinking He doesn’t like a good laugh need only look at a testicle to know He is HILARIOUS!
Uh, God does drown people. Noah and the flood. I would drown Hitler, too. He’s creepy. Keep up the religious conversations. They are hysterical, and I usually find myself completely agreeing with you. My in laws are very strict Southern Baptist, and they are horrified that I am not perpetually pregnant, barefoot, and in the kitchen. (My uterus is not a clown car.) It has completely warped their brains.
Yes, I often have conversations like this, but only with myself, as I don’t have a Liz in my life right now.
laughed so hard my stomach hurts. Thanks Jenny, i needed that.
Seriously, it’s freaking me out how similar our train of thoughts are. Now I think I should be worried for you. Just sayin’………. 🙂
I have this VERY opinionated, VERY religious friend who loves to share her opinions on the weirdest stuff, like TV commercials. Spoiler Alert!: She hates ALL of them, unless there are kittens or puppies. Anyway, she was going on and on about how she hates the Allstate Mayhem guy because “he is EVIL.” I then spent 20 minutes arguing that Mayhem guy really is just a personification of God because nothing happens that isn’t God’s will, so really she was saying that God is evil. She hasn’t spoken to me for about 5 months and it has been kind of nice!
Laughed the entire way through this. Thanks for a good laugh.
I’m fairly positive god chose to drown me today so noone needs to be alarmed. All of you are safe.
A few years ago I landed the role of “God” in a play. I was pretty intolerable around the husband during the five or so weeks of rehearsals. Of course, anytime he asked me “who the hell do you think you are?” I answered “I am God,” in my best batman/snickers commercial voice. I stopped asking him to do stuff and started commanding it. I know you freak out at public speaking but Jenny, if you ever get the chance to play God, well, at least give it some serious thought.
Maybe God only drowns people who keep getting their pronouns wrong and continue to call her a “he.” Like the way people get annoyed when you get their name/gender/hair color wrong.
Last night I was idly naming my hypothetical cat. (I want a ginger tabby.) I thought Peaches would be a good name. Now it’s a definite!
My sisters and I have decided that God will be sending us all to hell. Maybe you could join us for drinks and dinner.
OMG!! I have years running down my face from laughing so hard!! Your awesome! And kuddos to your friend “Liz” for trying to not laugh at GOd drowning people. 😉
I feel like almost every conversation I have about religion is exactly like this! At least someone gets me.
Halfway through this post I started to imagine getting a tampon so far up there that it would in fact be in the abyss of my uterus. I believe I had a 10 minute daydream about it floating around wearing a monocle and tophat whilst trying to drink a very full cuppa tea saying things like “esscuzzie” and “jolly good”. I’m not sure why he was half Italian or wearing anything but that’s how my brain works…
FYI, you’re friend could NOT be any more wrong if she tried about the whole “God drowns people” thing. case and point: baptism. God asks you to drown your BABY or yourself in water to prove that you have faith in him that he won’t let you drown. like when those crazy Mormons or just religious river people choose to baptize peeps in rivers and bathtubs and stuff. you could totally get washed away in the current because God commanded it., because he created gravity and water and such. He’s trying to kill you, and blame it on Satan. not nice man, not nice at all.
I think God takes great delight that you are having the conversation in the first place. Everyone likes to be acknowledged and included in witty repartee.
OMG, “High-five, Peaches.” almost made me snort-laugh at work. Thank you for that, I very much appreciate it. And your friend Liz indeed sounds very cool. No throwing things here.
Pretty sure God was was showing off the day he created humans, got a bit too cocky, and forgot to waterproof us. Major design flaw. Bad form, God.
This is — hands down — the best thing I have read in awhile. Cheers!
This was genius, Peaches.
God, I would LOVE to take a vacation in your mind. But only if its comes equipped with Fast Pass like the Disney parks do. I can’t stand waiting in line.
OMG! Could NOT stop laughing.
Well, if you get a name like Peaches, I NEED to find out what mine is!
Dear Peaches, you are hilarious and I love you a ton. –God
(I’m pretty sure that’s almost exactly what God would text or email you. –Skerrib)
I’ve had this conversation with myself in my head hundreds of times over. Jenny Lawson: GIVING A VOICE TO THE PEOPLE.
I called my ex boyfriend Peaches. Pretty sure that makes me God.
hysterical. “high five, Peaches!”
I’m telling dad on you.
Oddly enough, I had a friend drown this week. Pretty awful. But I think even he would have smiled at this exchange. Thanks for making me smile during an otherwise craptastic week.
This post?! Is why I absolutely adore you. (My first comment ever, BTW. Hopefully the next one will actually add something to the conversation.)
I have been following your blog for a while now and I’ve read both your books. I have to say I laughed incredibly hard while reading this post. You are like my doppleganger. Except we really don’t look alike and well…. it would be debatable as to which of us would be eviler on any given day. This is what conversations look like in my mind.
You are brilliant!
All I can think now is that if you go into the shoe-making business, you’d then be “Peach Cobbler.”
Today my daughter asked me how God got here if he has no parents. Would you care to help a sista out and explain that one for me since you got the line into him and all?
That gave me so much joy — so clearly, you are assisting God by spreading around the best medicine (laughter). So good work, Peaches.
(Of course he made you this way. He clearly expected this conversation. What’s the point of omniscience if you don’t already know what your favorite people are going to say?)
If s someone, anyone, leaves you hanging, it’s a perfect opportunity for a self-five. It looks like an over-the-head clap, so you’ll need to call out “self-five!” when you do it, but it’s totally satisfying.
And this is why you are in the top 25 bloggers!
Because sometimes I need to snicker out loud in a cubical 😛 AWESOME!
If you’re going to Hell, then I’ll be right there with you. This is hilarious.
Going to hell, first car on the roller coaster, hands in the air. Yipeeeeeee! *X*
This one just about made me pee. Especially the “peaches” line.
Peaches is my dog’s name.
Jenny, you’re a peach! 😉
LOL! If I were a person who talked about religion, I woud *SO* want to talk about it with you, Jenny!
Peaches, I think I’m at the age I can get away with calling someone Peaches. Me and God. Thanks for making this Lutheran boy laugh out loud.
Babies are only fun for like 5 minutes. Then they poop or cry or vomit. Other people’s babies are fun for like 5 seconds – long enough to say AWWW CUTE while hiding the look on your face that says “Is that a fucking spider monkey??”. Also I’m pretty sure whenever I pray, God is sighing heavily and saying, “OH MY ME, what now?”
OMG Peaches, I hope you have you hand basket packed, you’re goin’ straight to hell ! ! !
By the way, just what is a hand basket? Old world mode of transportation? Free carry on? Any other destinations?
Thanks for the laughs.
Love it! And hugs to “liz”. She reminds me of my friend “Terry” 🙂
Funny, people don’t want to talk to me about religion either. Maybe its because every year for Lent I give up either hope or religion. Some years both.
You rock. You just totally rock!
Peaches. Every time I hear that word I think of my vagina, which I call “PEACH FISH”. From Tom Robbins novel, ‘Still Life with Woodpecker’. Great book you should read it.
On drowning. I’m originally from the UK, but now live in Canada, the Northern Part with forests and bears and cougars (of all varities), and I often get a hankering to see what the fuck is going on over the pond in the UK so I read the Daily Mail online, (because its a very intellegent news worthy site to read to be current on worldly affairs like….Miley Cyrus, Britney Spears and, George the new king to be baby-which I don’t really care about as babies are boring). Anyway, drowning….it appears from the Daily Mail that every day when the sun shines some one is drowing. Thats a lot of people because apparently God has been shinning that sun all over the UK peeps for a while now (probably to dry them out from the traditional weather of rain). But every day some one is drowning. What I want to know is why are there these random acts of drowning all over the place, and where are their friends when this is happening?? God is not very nice giving them sunshine, whilst drowning the people in payment. I would take rain over the sunshine! Drowning is not a test, your dead, end of story, no coming back to reflect!
This is the best dead blog about me you’ve written. Thanks for spreading the word while I selectively drown people who I decide should be tested. Utlimate sacrifice, really.
God does drown people. He drowned the whole planet. Then he gave us a bouquet of rainbows and promised it would never happen again. Which is classic abuse cycle pattern shit.
Are we allowed to start calling you Peaches now? Maybe I’ll just start affectionately calling everyone Peaches.
I’m excited about this.
Marry me, Jenny!
I just want to say thank you. Thank you so much! I’m not feeling well, and I had a really miserable day at work today. In less than five minutes, you’ve managed to make me laugh and feel so much better…as always! I just hope you know how much you’re appreciated.
@Terry at comment 194…a hand basket is a thing like what Dorothy used to tote Toto around Oz, which probably was alot like Hell. So Toto kinda went to Hell in a hand basket.
I love you.
I love that you have friends who believe in jeebus.
I enjoyed this post so much it’s probably all wrong. But I’m Jewish, so it doesn’t matter or something. Right?
I’m not convinced that Jesus floated. I think the water got hard. Like ice. Ice is just hard water, after all. See, I know science.
My comment isn’t funny – so feel free to skip.
But WOW! (not the game, just the amazement!)
You handled that so well. ! For real. I tend to shut down and be all “your god is stinky and doesn’t like me” or similar.
Also? Is that true? Do we make up to 4 Pints Of Saliva a DAY!!?? Because excessive. Proves god is a man, he wants us to swallow.
You know all those times you’ve almost tripped and fallen over absolutely nothing? That was him high fiving you, but missing. Giant invisi-hands are hard to control like that…or that’s just a convenient excuse to high five you in the head :/
I just spoke with God – He said ‘Stop being a meanie weanie’.
i believe God actually has a secret name for all of us. Our REAL name that we don’t even know but will know when He calls us this. I’m just surprised that yours is Peaches. Not sure what I was expecting.
God drowned the whole world, Liz. :p
“We also make poop and snot and up to 4 pints of saliva a day.”
Bwahahaha!! Love this.
My life seems so empty and worthless now. I’ve never had this awesome of a conversation before… I still say your conversation with Victor about the McDonald’s characters holds the title of “Best Conversation Ever.”
I think “if you’ve hit the womb you’ve gone too far” might be both the best, and funniest advice, ever.
I also have conversations with god but never thought about what he might call me. I do imagine him softly beating his head against a wall.
I wonder if the Great Maker notices a surge of happy energy and checks to see what Peaches is up to today.
Technically, God does drown people. Or did. Lots of people, too. Like, the whole world, save Noah & his menagerie. Funny how that so often gets overlooked.
I wish I had time to read all the rest of the comments on this thread today. I loved the post even though it does trigger a few flashbacks of the nearly two years I spent in an “independent fundamentally Baptist” cult. Oddly enough, I was asked to leave that cult for religious reasons. They tried to convince me that a crucifix wasn’t a Christian symbol. I disagreed. I’m pretty sure Jesus would disagree too. (Although I wonder if he would be hyper-critical of the accuracy of the images of himself? I can sort of picture him going, “My nose doesn’t look like that!”)
Also, I used to know a girl named Charisma who liked to tell the story of how she was almost named Peaches. I think she was secretly disappointed that she wasn’t.
Awesome. I am going to hell on skis so I’ll save you a seat if I get there first.
I needed that laugh today more than you know.
Liz sounds like a great friend. And I would love to talk religion with you any day. That shiz would be hilarious. 🙂
Liz: Ew. Also, tampons don’t go in your womb. If you’ve hit the womb you’ve gone too far.
Your friend just turned a ‘Classic Dick’ joke into something else, damn that is an image I didn’t need. Peaches, go tell G-d I need part of my mind bleached now. 😉
In my mind, God calls me “Peaches.”
This just reminded me of my favorite moment from Golden Girls, when Blanche says “So I said to myself, Tiger Lily – that’s what I call myself sometimes, Tiger Lily…”
So you are like Blanch Devereaux. You’re welcome. 🙂
You—make my day….better…funner (go with it:-) ) and lighter…THANK YOU
I like that you and Liz can have that conversation. I like it even more that you two have different beliefs and are friends. Smiled through the whole thing, made my day.
You need to stay away from water for the next… few years.
Also, Hitler’s dead, so in order to drown him, you’d have to revive him. That probably wouldn’t go down very well with pretty much anybody. The second coming of Hitler? Wow, maybe you ARE Satan?
Muahahahaha*snort*hahahaha…. thank you Peaches.
You know those disclaimers at the end of movies that say “no animals were hurt in the production of this film”? Don’t you think that there should be one at the end of the biblical flood story saying “ALL of the animals were hurt in the production of this story”?
Ah well, I’d be going to hell if I believed in it.
peeing pants from laughing so hard!
Now I can’t get “Millions of Peaches, Peaches for Me…” out of my head. And those lyrics are quite disturbing, from this perspective….
This post totally requires a link to the one where you sat beside a religious person on an airplane, and you and Victor reverse-converted him or something. I wish I knew how to find that one, because it was totally awesome just like this one.
Love you Peaches!
Oh I’m re-posting the hell outta this
I…don’t have anything funny to say. I can hear this conversation coming out of my 18 year old son’s mouth and he sometimes makes me laugh so hard I can’t breathe. You have this level of talent too. Thank you for making me not be able to breathe. Does this mean I’m drowning in laughter? Not a bad way to go.
I would never drown Hitler.
I’ve seen too many movies where people recover from that kind of thing at the last second.
Thank you for this! I may have had similar conversations with friends of mine, but they have all long since stopped talking about it and just call me “the heathen”.
I totally think God drowns people. But then again, I also think quite a few of the things that happen in life are God and Satan playing around and saying “Hey, Angel/Devil, watch this!!!”. And as many people have said, “I may be going to hell, but at least i’ll be in good company with all of my friends!”.
Your not typical Christian friend (me) agrees God is crazy about you, Peaches. He wouldn’t have given you that daughter, that husband and that talent if he wasn’t a fan.
This is the funniest thing I’ve in months.
Oops. * read in months.
I thought the title Satan was reserved for IRS auditors? Peaches, I love the new moniker. You have made my evening.
Oh Peaches. If I have anyone who needs to be drowned, I know just who to call. Thanks for that.
Ok. Can everyone leave the poor platypi alone. How would you like to be used as an example of gods humour all the time? ‘Hey, dude, check out Sharon, she looks so f&&$d up, God MUST have a sense of humour. Look how DIFFERENT she is.!’. Really, if you’d seen loads of platypi before ducks, then they wouldn’t seem so odd…in fact, the ducks would be the weird ones. ‘Hey, dude, check out that thing that looks a bit like a platypus except….wtf….it has no arms!!! Check out that armless waddle! How does it walk upright?? Dude, god HAS got a sense of humour’.
I, for one, am proud to be rather platypussian in form and nature….not because god has a sense of humour….but because god was so sick of cookie-cutter humans he needed an anomaly to stay sane. We are gods Xanax.
Please adopt me – I come with horses.
Oh thanks comments, now I have the damn True Blood intro stuck in my head, drowning by baptism, FINE. Jenny, I’ pretending you never said Peaches.! That is my asshole sisters nickname and you are not her. Now I shut up cos i’m weird even on blogs
I had a similar conversation with my 5-year-old today. Out of the blue, he says, “Jesus can pick up trees and throw them.” ME: “No, Jesus was a person who talked about love and being nice & stuff.” 5-yr-old, “No. He throws trees. Sometimes on people’s houses. He can pick up cars and throw them too.”
He goes to a Jewish pre-school, so I cannot even figure out why he is talking about Jesus. or why he thinks Jesus is the Hulk.
Maybe Jesus throws trees so people can hang on to them and float instead of being drowned by g-d.
When I was little, lets say around 7, my mom was convinced I had had a vision because I saw a bright ball of light in our kitchen in the middle of the night. The pastor at our church “tested” me some how and was amazed at how knowledgeable about religion I was and agreed to Baptize me, in that church you had to be an adult to be Baptize because they wanted to be sure you really believed it and not just going along with what your parents told you to do.
My mom was disappointed that I seemed to stray from the path once we moved to another state because the pastor at the new church said you had to love God more than your parents and I couldn’t do that and so he said that meant I was bad and would go to hell, I was 9, you don’t tell a 9 year old they have to love some thing they can’t see or hear more than they love their parents, it just doesn’t work, at least it didn’t for me and I haven’t been back since.
That was a long way of saying that I also see God as a bright ball of light.
In my mind, God calls me, ‘Sweetie Pie,’ but says it very specifically with the same french accent that Kevin Kline uses in the movie, “French Kiss” with Meg Ryan.
actually, doesn’t the bible say that god flooded the earth and destroyed everything but what noah took on the ark? I believe that means he drowned a shit ton of people and animals.
why can’t we blame God for testing us….
I totally want a t-shirt that says In my mind, God calles me “Peaches” written across the front!
You are a treasure, Jenny…
A dark treasure, but a treasure nonetheless.
I can only hope that my next religious debate unfolds the way this one did.
I have joked that God is giggling at the reactions caused by doing things to me. I like the idea of being a test.
Noah’s former neighbors would probably be shocked to discover the God doesn’t drown anyone.
“Refreshing lack of dogma”
Instead of referring to “acts of God” I will now start using the phrase “acts of Peaches.”
Fuck me twice on Sunday. Well done.
You will forever be “Peaches” to me. You’re awesome. Love it! I was LOLing so hard, I had tears!
God: What are you doing now?
King Arthur: Averting our eyes, oh Lord.
God: Well, don’t. It’s just like those miserable psalms, they’re so depressing. Now knock it off!
I hope God finds YOU refreshing, because I sure do !!!
For a very short time I worked at a Catholic publishing company, which is mostly ironic since I’m not Catholic, or even religious at all. But I dealt with author relations, which meant talking to a lot of nuns and priests on a daily basis. Every conversation ended with a blessing and a forgiving. A few hail mary’s were slipped my way too. I think that means I’ve been forgiven for sins I haven’t committed yet.
Bahahahaha! That was fantastic. I’m a Christian and I thought that was hilarious!
I think God would have totally forwarded that email to all of his heavenly peeps… With the subject line “Me dammit… You gotta read this.”
I’d talk religion with you any day, you are my people!
I just wanted to say thank you for saying out loud (and writing down) the things I only think in my head. You… are awesome.
lol. religious types love to see it both ways. he’s good but he doesn’t do bad things. he controls everything but there’s free will. cracks me up. if ever there was a loophole! if i didn’t have any morals at all i would take up with the church and make my millions talking like an Animaniac all day.
My daughter had conversations like this when she was 8. People were offended & told me that I was a horrible mom, but I figured at least she was doing her own thinking.
I was drinking vanilla cream soda while reading this, it squirted out my nose. Damned that Burns. So, you’re the Peaches God told me about. Actually, God calls me Lady Jane. Only because I have a smart asses mouth when discussing religion. It’s a good idea not to talk religion or politics.
You made my day. Never change Peaches. 🙂
I was laughing so hard reading this my son wanted to know what this was. I started reading it & then had to explain tampons. I don’t think he paid too much attention after that b/c he was sort of horrified (he’s a young teen).
So thank you for getting me to laugh today and allowing me the opportunity to explain more facts of life to my teenager.
I didn’t want to throw anything, but I did giggle, and shake my head at various moments. You get to guess which.
I feel fairly certain God has nicknamed you Peaches for your peaches ‘n cream complexion everyone compliments you on:)
p.s. my daughter is my Peachy Pie
I read this and laughed so hard I didn’t make any noise, just cried. I have now shared it with some friends so they will do the same thing.
Thanks, Peaches! High five!
You need to be Jewish because then you can question God and crack jokes all you want and it’s appreciated. Won’t score you any extra points or anything but as long as you don’t try to do any miracles yourself (like strike a rock with your staff to find water) then you’re good to go. So leave your staff at home and get to synagogue. Or at least join a mahjong or bridge club or some such.
Not being a religious type; after being a very religious type it turned me the other way (I don’t mean to Satan but you get the idea) but did I read something about God making us in his image in which case I have to ask – do you think that means he has hands….? I’m sitting on a big ass fence.
Didn’t have time to read the whole thread, but I’m sure that G-d calls me, “Grrrrrl!” As in, “Grrrrll, you DID NOT just post that!” or “Grrrrlll, I’m done with Andy Gibb and SImply Ballroom. Stop.” I am going to fry for too many reasons to enumerate here. Must go troll for more disco. Hi, Jenny! Wine! Same thing.
I thought I commented…how does this work?
Way t be Liz. Gotta disagree however. God drowns people, in the sense he doesn’t stop them from drowning, which we both know he totally could, but he’s got better plans than that, he knows what’s going down, and sometimes even sets things in place to make you change your thinking.
This is totally unrelated but I think it’s awesome and Hunter S. Tomcat should apply.
I think you’re safe on the God side… Looking back on my life, that man has to have a sense of humour, it’s impossible that he doesn’t.
Also, as a English person I do believe that I was one of the last people in the world to know that we have a joint new baby due to not getting a town crier in the hole I’ve been residing in… I personally think that our country is slacking in that area. I want a town crier to laugh at/run away from in sheer fear.
Having said that, I will take your congratulations and then add it with: Is he all of ours? Am I on some form of babysitting schedule? I should really check my emails…
I loved everything from the baby post, which I did not comment on. But I do not get the baby thing either, and it is marvelous to find out that other people feel the same way.
I feel like tampons need a Google Maps thing sometimes. Also, God needing someone to cover for him while he’s drowning people. And for everything to be this funny all of the time.
A few months ago my daughter and I saw a truck with this phrase painted in HUGE red letters across the back, “Our God is healing.” Both of us were very shocked. Because isn’t that basically an open invitation to other Gods who wanna kick his ass? You know, to announce, “Our God is healing” as opposed to “Our God is at 100% health points”?
Just seems like an invitation to kick a God when he’s down to me, that’s all.
I’m not sure how the swimming pool is coming along but you might want to wait the appropriate cool down period for God before filling it. I have no idea how long that would be but I’m just sayin’.
God has a weird sense of humour so I think he wouldn’t be surprised.
You know, I have the same argument: God made me this way.
I fully, FULLY believe that God loves me BECAUSE I do such silly things. I think I am part of His comic relief, because when You’re God and You have so much to create/look after/think about, you could USE some comic relief!
I welcome you to God’s Comic Relief Squad. I didn’t know we HAD a Squad, but clearly, we do.
Love you for your humour, your foibles, and your humanity, my girl!
P.S. I’ve been having dreams about the Devil appearing at my window using ugly hand puppets to try to scare me. That must be meaningful in SOME way… *giggles*
Oddly enough I also get banned from talking about religion to other people. I’m routing for you not drowning anytime soon, because how crap would that be to get spiritual proof like that and not be here to blog about it?
I loved the poem in #135. And I would have loved to see Victor’s expression when you explained this conversation to him.
Peaches for the win. Love that. This is exactly why I never talk religion or politics with friends. Too many people I know have drowned. Anyway, here’s a little bedtime story to share with your friends and family.
I’m going to email myself this conversation and pretend I’m apart of it. and then print it out. and then buy a frame. and then hung it above my bed.
Thank you for the laugh Jenny!
@Chris Dean #277… I love it! “Our God is healing/our god is at 100% health points” is right up there for me with: “Jesus saves! He rolls a D20 ….and He crits for maximum damage.”
and “Jesus saves! Gretsky gets the rebound…he shoots…he scores!”
I’m always amazed by the things people want God to be responsible for, ie every-last-thing, free-will-be-damned. And the people who treat the “why does God let bad things happen to good people?” question like it’s the hardest damned philosophical question ever asked.
Me, I think we should get right to work on the fundamental mysteries of existence in the universe just as soon as we’ve dealt with: “why do WE let bad things happen to good people?” It’s not God dropping the bombs on family weddings in Afghanistan, people. Nor was it God who bullied that little freckled girl in 4th grade, or who stood by and said nothing while they watched it happen.
Thank you. I needed that.
Christians (Myself, included in this heap-of-a-category) often take ourselves too seriously. We forget that God has to have a sense of humor. After all, he created me, this messed-up-lump-of-woman …and I’d like to think he did it on purpose =D
There could totally be an extension of the ball of light, shaped like an arm and hand for the high five. Only, when you slap it, your hand would go right through it, because it’s light, and not solid. So, left hanging, or pitching forward, which is better?
And in case I sound too f-ing sincere, bear in mind that I grinned and laughed all the way through this post. Only then did I reflect, and lo, was verily pissed off about all the philosophical BS people get into to avoid actually doing anything differently themselves. Which really wasn’t the point, so… sorry about the rant.
i get that same response all the time. “Ohh let’s not talk about religion because you’re poking holes in my colander of a belief system.”
Awesome!! Not sure which was more fun to read, the post or the comments. Thank you for the laugh today
I’ve had many a conversation regarding religion and they never are as hilarious as yours. I agree with all your talking points and if you ever start a cult (which I suspect you already have by accident) I’d join and give you all my money. I hope you aren’t disappointed to know it’s only $7.25 and a stick of gum 😉
Peaches – I should have known this was coming!! Love it!
I won’t call you Peaches because I’m not God… I’ll call you Cumquat. I believe in God, but I don’t think we have the intelligence to understand him/her/it. I’m not sure any of us can seriously claim to understand God’s works. Anyway, in this life we should take joy where we can find it… that’s why I visit this site… good work Cumquat.
Funny shit…Jesus–I always think “oh, she’ll run out of things to say one day….” lol That would be a really BIG FAT “not”! The wiring in your brain is as unique as a Kaleidoscope.
Oh–and on that Hitler note (eeek, lightening and brimstone) he was a bit fervent in his quest to eliminate a sector of the human race which he deemed to be “unholy” murderers of Jesus. Artists with too much time on their hands who write really long books while imprisoned and have a penchant for attracting large media-induced attention can have a devastating impact on societies, especially when they have low self-esteem and deem the Jewish roots they possess to be the root of all evil… But when I wake up and put on my make up (yes, that sounds like a song…) I have to remember all the atrocious despicable things we as humans do on a daily basis to each other every day just to enhance our daily lives…Poor beagles, bunnies, monkeys, and humanoids who butcher themselves all in the name of science, commercialism, food, and health. We continue to passively and quietly and obscurely do over the course of centuries sense Jesus time what Hitler did out in the open in one shocking hideous blow…No on wants to hug their monsters. Manson and Hitler aren’t usually the first people on the “good” list and Jesus would probably hug them both for that reason alone. Lost sheep being what they are….who hugs Hitler? pretty much no one. I suspect that may be why he was ever-so-slightly morally and ethically disgruntled to the point of genocide. Maybe he just didn’t get invited to enough birthday parties…Maybe he had social anxiety and spent far too much time alone. Maybe if he’d had Facebook and a Blog as a kid, he would have made more friends, Jewish friends, and come to the conclusion that Jesus loves everyone, even when they eat him and hang him on a stick…Just saying. Cheers! 🙂
I am already making the “Peaches” altar in my kitchen as we speak (or type). Candles, – check -dish of wine – check – taxidermied mole brandishing a tiny bullwhip – check. Just need a lock of your hair or maybe a tooth and I am ready to join your religion gurl. (I figure you will probably answer my prayers faster than God – or least with more elan or maybe an eclair? – I’m kinda fuzzy on the organized religion front obviously) You are my kind of people – thanks for making my morning.
this is a little scary because right before I got to this line I had the EXACT same thought: DO NOT MAKE ME LAUGH AT GOD DROWNING PEOPLE.
Oh–and I apologize for my poor editing skills: “sense” and “no one”, but maybe I did that subconsciously on purpose…
Jenny, I think I totally want to be you when I grow up, which may be later rather than sooner, but never-you-mind. Also, my bestie and I did an homage to Beyonce (the rooster, not the singer) in our latest post, and it’s hilarious. Hugs’n’kisses!
If we do go to hell, they say hell has a better floor show !
If you formed an alternative church, I might actually attend.
I mean, the whole thing would end up being struck by lightning. But it would be fun while it lasted.
I would love to spend just one day inside your brain !
How interesting to hear that women make the babies!
I’ll be sure to pass that along, the next time I hear anyone demand that men pay child support…
And I’m certain that the author of the universe is big enough to handle both our conceptions and our misconceptions. About life and the universe, we know even less than Jon Snow (yeeew knaw noothin, jan snaaw).
God doesn’t drown people? Did she miss the entire part of the Bible with the flood?
Oh my goodness!! That was the most awesome conversation !! I glad you “popped” out of my womb Moniqa. You amaze me !!
I would love to be called Peaches by god! Especially if it followed with a wink and a little finger snap in my direction!
Can anyone post the url to The Bloggess’ FIRST post??
Or tell me where to find it??
I have a hard time reading things out of order.
Also I’m tired of re-reading posts that are in more than one category.
And I keep clicking on links to other posts so I can understand what the hell is going on then losing the post I was reading.
This would really help.
Thanks so much
Just remember- heaven for the scenery, hell for the company
I think you were born with natural water wings, too. Or unnatural ones. At any rate, please don’t drown this week.
Nothing like a little sacrilege at lunch to make me smile.
me: Nah. You ‘re at least getting a C. You are very patient and understanding and a good example of what a Christian should be like. Good work. Love, Satan.
HILARIOUS! I heart your blog.
I had a cat named Peaches once. She passed away several years ago. I am betting she is giving God a high five via the paw right about now. Thanks for the post! Freaking awesome!
I do love God so my comment is going to be a little prosaic and dorky, but I’m certain he has a good sense of humour and is laughing at you (and perhaps saying “but clean up your act, yo). Liz would know better.
Maybe you should stay out of your new swimming pool for a few weeks. Just in case. Great post!
Didn’t God totally drown people with the Noah and his arc thing? I mean, I know it’s been a while since I’ve touch a Bible, that I’m sure I learned that in Catechism. So… That makes you right. Just saying…
I lerv you so much right now.
I wish my friends would be more like you. They don’t make me laugh this much. Sometimes your posts are the only laughter I get to have all week.
Goal for the day: Don’t let God drown me.
I’m fairly certain God does call you Peaches. Great post!
I would talk religion with you any time. And I’m ordained. Though I think that the most irreverent people are typically those who have higher education in theological things; we get to see the jokes that translators leave out. A little bit of heresy is good for the soul. Like ice cream.
Is that what the true meaning of the parable of the footsteps in the sand is? Where there was only one set of footsteps God was carrying you….
So he could drown you!
Aren’t you glad you don’t care for deity piggy back rides now?
“God supposedly made me this way so I’m fairly certain he’s not surprised. ”
I need to have this put on a T-Shirt.
Jenny, thank you for the laugh. I had the worst day at work since I began this job in January. I needed to read something funny to make me feel better.
This is my first ever comment. I am one of those “lurkers” but today, I had to come out of the woodwork just to say that. I love your blog and your book and your mind! 🙂 Keep all the awesome weirdness coming! You make me laugh somedays and others you truly inspire, whether you know it or not.
“It’s amazing how often I get that.”
MY PUG ACTUALLY ATE A TAMPON FROM THE TRASH, AND WE DIDN’T KNOW UNTIL HE…UMMM…RELEASED IT BACK INTO THE WORLD…HOW GROSS IS THAT??? Sorry ,but I was so wanting to share that gem from today:)
I think you won that debate with “Liz”.
Email in heaven is not only forwarded among all the angels so they can laugh at humans, their big servers are like the NSA +10
Not that I believe in angels. Or heaven.
If God is cool with drowning people, do you think he’ll take requests? I’ve got a few people to add to the list. Maybe he’s like Santa and makes a naughty and nice list.
Do you think he does email, or should I fax it?
And this post is precisely why I love you, Jenny.
A reading from the book of Peaches,
Be furiously happy. Amen.
Sure people might tell you not to discuss religion, bu on the other hand, you should DEFINITELY discuss religion with me.
PS. Don’t worry, if you drown mysteriously, we’ve got your back. You don’t need qualifications in the law courts in Heaven, do you?
Oh if only God * did * drown people, I could give Him a list of names …
Oh, Jenny. How so awesome? God totally drowns people.
I’m going to hell just reading this post.
My friend Jenny and I (that’s right two Jens and you would make three) have many text conversations that end with some comment about one of us likely going to hell. But we have determined that we don’t necessarily belong in general population hell with Hitler and the chi-mos and those people who love Nancy Grace. We refer to the “ritzy” part of hell. I’m pretty sure it looks like Branson, Missouri and the only beverage is beer in an aluminum can, but it’s livable. You can live there too.
Toddlers are like drunken zombies with depleted motor skills. Also, please don’t drown, you’re pretty funny.
I hope your tummy has recovered from demon removal!
Lift your glass for Back To School!
Fun phrases and otherwise positive words!
I have to back you up on God drowning people. The Bible is pretty explicit that God drowns all the Egyptians who chase after Moses and the Israelites in the Red Sea. Then Moses and Mirian sing this awesome ditty:
Sing to the LORD; God has triumphed gloriously!
Horse and rider God has thrown into the sea.
I want to start my own religion. Mostly because the tax write offs are awesome and also because I want the tithes.
That’s a much better religion conversation than I’ve ever had, and I was raised Catholic. But then again, that may explain a lot. Thanks for the pick-me-up, Peaches.
I really, really, really fucking love you. (I do NOT love babies.)
I just covered my laptop in holy water. It died. He did that, too.
I actually did form my own cult. Lies & Pies. I’ll lie to you, but you won’t feel bad about it because, hey, pie! Right? Yeah.
I win at culting.
I just wanted to say you’re awesome. Seriously. I love these conversations. I’ve had chronic leg pain for a year now, and knowing that I can come to your site and find your latest post and laugh so hard I can’t breathe helps me. 🙂
I thought drowning people was the whole point behind that Noah episode in the bible.
When life gets hard, just remember you are
Swimming with the big God….
Marco…..Polo….Marco…..Polo…..Marco….glug glug glug
You are AWESOME!!! Never give up your “free will.”
I should be responding to your Blogging is Dead post with this comment but that would make sense. My blog is the kind of blog that people could cite as evidence for the death of blogging. And it wouldn’t even be exhibit A. So it would be far down the list of irrelevant. We even gave it an impossible name to type. People fall asleep typing it. I promise you, the blog is worse than this comment. It features Mulberry torture. I’ve just spoiled every surprise possible. And our homepage is misleading. jeffandjillwentupthehill.com
I think your friend’s theology might be a bit off…wait no. That’s not it. I don’t agree with her view of God…but most people don’t agree about that, so. That was not a revolutionary statement. Anyway, what I’m really trying to say is that I don’t think God is like that AND I can’t imagine him not calling you Peaches, to be honest.
Now that is ridiculous. Please stop making me snort coffee all over my laptop. It might drown out the motherboard. I have a few questions. Four pints of saliva? Where did you read that? And what are those weird things on the wall? Who is this person you are talking to?
Pure awesome. I’m pretty sure the universe (some choose god) approves of you and all you do.
You truly are my idol.
I know that might seem strange, but I love the way you are unrelentingly yourself.
And you’re so damn funny!
Peaches, you’re abnosomous!
i love this convo.
I have discovered that a lot of christians hate to admit/or talk about being angry/blamey with God for shit that happens in their life.. Honestly. Some of my best “God moments” have come when I am sitting in the shower telling God how F***ing pissed I am about what he is doing in my life. If God didn’t want us to challenge him, why did he give us freewill?
The end. You are awesome,
This conversation just reminded me that today is my best friend’s birthday… and I wish she lived closer. I’m going to get her one of your “Wish You Were Here” cards because that is the best picture. Ever.
Thank you for being awesome.
I just love you.
I heard this song again today, and it made me think that you might like it and HEY, there happens to be a religious posting. Coincidence? My Chinchilla by Cub (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-u3fG2eJvCc)
All I can say is, “WOW!”….
God has not introduced us. They (well, at least I) call me “Scoop”. God’s still working on it.
Fist bump the tribe.
Jenny. Never change.
I found your blog when this post was featured on one of the Facebook pages that I follow. I followed the link to here, and saw your picture first. My first thought was (even though I am a gay man), “Damn, she is HOT!” Then I read this post and laughed, and laughed, and laughed.
I then saw that you had written a book, so I checked it out of my local library, and as I read it, I laugh, and laugh some more. The people at work get tickled at me during my lunch break, and I have been sharing some of the things that you say. Also, my boyfriend is getting mad at me, because, as he puts it, “I keep telling him all of the damn stories, and he will know the whole book before he even gets a chance to read it!” 🙂
You are abnosome!
Wait…I thought God was a DJ. Dammit, now I’m confused.
I’m sort of drowning in the diet Coke that squirted out of my nose when I read this.
Hilarious! It would take me a long time to come up with all of that wit.
God did so drown people….uh Hello? Noah much?
…….and Unicorns. I will never forgive him/her for that. Oh and Dragons too. Drowning people, I totally get-But Unicorns and Dragons??
Way to overstep ones “All Mighty-ness, there God”.
YES…..Finally some quality entertainment!!!!!
Pennywise. He floats.
In fact, according to him, we all float down here.
I’m sure someone has already pointed this out, but God LOOOOVES drowning folks. For more on this, see the Torah (also known as the Old Testament) portion where he drowns everybody but Noah, his fam, and some animals. Talk about power tripping! 🙂