I was very sad recently when google stopped tracking search terms like they used to because I always loved seeing the utterly fucked-up things people were searching for that led them to this page. Then last week I switched my blog over to WordPress and found out that they track and report my search terms. And there was great joy in the land! From me. Because I found the rum Victor hid. And also because I love looking at search terms. I only have about 7 days worth of searches, but already it’s already gloriously confusing and I thought I’d share with you. Because I’m generous. And because you scare me.
Strangest things people searched for this week that led them to Thebloggess.com:
“missing snake” (Well, that’s disconcerting on several levels.)
“why is my left buttcheek bigger than than the rights buttcheek?” (Huh.)
“why are people holding twine” (More importantly, why aren’t they?)
“don’t make me laugh i’ll puma pants cat picture” (Found it.)
“boob mushroom” (This one I actually understand. You want this.)
“what is the best way to say ‘answer me, please'” (I think you’ve answered your own question.)
“the bloggess topless” (Wow.)
“why would someone tell me a shirt color looks good when i’m wearing it” (Why are you asking this? I have a headache now.)
“accidental lesbian” (Oh, college.)
“get the fuck off my phone steve” (Yeah, Steve.)
“what happened to lou diamond phillips” (Last I heard, he was holding water.)
“pay someone to beat you up” (Is this a sex thing? If not, I’m worried.)
“where i am right now” (You’re on the internet.)
“positive meaning of ‘he doesn’t look like a serial killer'” (Seems pretty positive to me.)
“what does it mean when you see you see your dead dog?” (It means your dog is dead?)
“what will happen if you give a panda hamster rotten food” (I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a panda hamster. This blog has just become educational.)
“elderly miniskirt” (Ew.)
“why are you not answering my call” (More importantly, why are you looking this up on the internet?)
“sarcastic replies to ‘why didnt you answer my call'” (I smell a love-match. A bad one.)
“getting someone beaten up” (Huh.)
“how can you tell if someone is a troll” (I can help with that.)
“people fucking in the bitch” (English is not your first language, is it?)
“i dreamed unicorns coming out my fingernails” (Live your dream. Unless it’s that one.)
“put on deodorant fucker” (Blunt, but effective.)
“bloggess soup” (Is this a soup made for me or made from me? I feel like I should be worried.)
“real godzilla sightings” (As opposed to fake godzilla sightings.)
“how can i make my friends happy just by taking” (That’s not really how “friends” work.)
“veins in bananas after microwaving” (What the shit? Someone microwave a banana so I know what this means.)
“book with an immigrant and an armadillo” (I’d read it.)
“how to make yourself look beat up” (I’m seeing a trend. A really weird one.)
“how to write I love you jenny properly” (Start by adding a comma.)
“i have a hair on my nose which seems to grow half an inch overnight- is this possible” (Yes.)
“taxidermy monkeys for sale” (Sorry. Fresh out.)
“angry vagina” (Angry Vagina is the name of my Ted Nugent cover band.)
“how does it feel to get stabbed in the stomach” (It feels like getting stabbed in the leg, but in your stomach.)
“why does my cat sit on lap when I’m peeing” (Your cat’s a cat.)
“goat shoes” (Goats don’t need shoes. They come with their own.)
“make me turn into a cat” (I think we’ve all been there, my friend.)