Yesterday I was an hour late for an appointment because Victor changed the time on my clocks to be correct, even though he knows I intentionally refuse to “spring forward” during Daylight Savings Time because that’s the way I silently protest having to wake up earlier than ever. I realize it’s a silent protest that affects no one, but I just can’t bring myself to re-set my clocks, because that would be like admitting that Daylight Savings Time is right. Instead I keep my clocks the same and just remember that it’s an hour off, and then a half-year later when time changes back I’m like, “That’s right, asshole. I waited you out and YOU changed. I didn’t. I WIN AND YOU LOSE. AGAIN.” And then I laugh maniacally and Victor shakes his head because he doesn’t understand the importance of celebrating victories against inanimate objects or ideas. And that’s probably why he got so defensive when I yelled at him for reseting my car clock without telling me and making me late, and he was like “It’s my fault because I fixed something that was broken?” and I yelled, “YOU CAVED TO THE MAN, VICTOR” and he said “YOU CAN’T FIGHT TIME MOVING FORWARD BY SIMPLY IGNORING CLOCKS.” And he might have a point (one deeper than I care to admit at the moment) but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m still exhausted from the time change and that I don’t understand why Daylight Savings Time is still relevant in today’s world. If anything, I think we should have Daylight Savings Week, where we set the calendar back a week every six months so that everyone can catch up on TV and get a one week extension on all deadlines. Victor pointed out that this would totally fuck up the calendar, but I countered that we could just fast-forward through September each year because most people hate September anyway. If I was President this would totally happen. And also I’d give tax breaks to people who are kind to animals, or who use their blinkers correctly. Double tax breaks for people who take dogs for car rides just for fun, or who gently shake the world for the better, or who invent new kinds of cake.
Victor says if I was President the world would turn into anarchy in the first year.
I think Victor is seriously underestimating me.
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And in other news, it’s Sunday, which means it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:
What you missed in my shop (Named “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
- “Say ‘no’ to bullshit” poster. Perfect for college dorms or very laid-back workplaces.
- Technically this is work-related so I think it’s tax-deductible. A clipboard for all occasions. This one is double-sided.
What you missed on the internets:
This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
- Puffer-fish handbag. WANT.
- Speechless.
This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by SilkWords, which is like a choose-your-own-adventure story, but with less death and more adult erotica. Today you can check out a new story for free. It’s quite fascinating, but I can’t help but think that most of my real choices would be “Stay home and eat a bag of tator tots” or “Laugh inappropriately during the 0rgy.” This is probably why fantasy stories are better. Speaking of which, when I first saw the banner for this story I was like “Is that dude vacuuming? Wow. That is kinda sexy” but then I looked closer and turns out it’s a whip. I like the vacuuming idea though. “Make the shirtless man vacuum while you eat Doritos.” I would totally choose that every time.