Category Archives: weekly reruns

So yesterday for my birthday Victor took me to an escape room because I’ve always wanted to go and I’m not sure what I was thinking because paying to get locked in a tiny room with an uber-competitive Victor who is trying to beat the record for breaking out of the room quickest is pretty much the quickest way to bring on a divorce but it was surprisingly fun except for the time we asked our hidden host for a clue because we were stuck and the clue was that we needed to use the key on the string from the box under the map but there wasn’t a key on a string stuck to the box under the map and Victor was like, “THIS ROOM IS BORKED.  SOMEONE HOSED US” and finally they stopped the timer and a lady walked in and pulled the key out of the box that we’d insisted was empty and the look on her face was identical to the one I get when Victor tells me his socks are missing I tell him to look in the dryer and he says he did and they aren’t in there and I tell him to check again and he does and accuses me of stealing them and then I go look and, don’t worry y’all, because they were in the dryer.

Long story short, we did not break the record and next time we’re bringing our own hacksaws and a bolt cutter and maybe a battering ram and a therapist.

********

And on an entirely different subject, it’s time for the Sunday wrap-up!

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

• 2019 Bloggess Calendar is here!

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

• That moment when you finally have enough dead mice to create a whole circus.
• People sharing what they love about others.
• Here’s a raccoon taking a bubblebath.

This week’s wrap-up is brought to by Sandrandan Jewelry, weird name, cool stuff. Everything in the shop is designed and made by Sandra Sutherlin, and often incorporates unusual elements such as spyglasses, compasses, sundials, and vintage pieces. Use the coupon code BLOGGESS to receive 10% off of your entire order (coupon may be used as often as you like). It’s awesome and I’ve bought a ton of pieces that I cherish from her over the years so you should check her out here.  Sandrandan Jewelry: eccentrically gorgeous jewelry; we may become your new obsession!

Last week my parents came to visit and I took them to a ranch that is filled with miles of Christmas lights and it was awesome except that a large part of it was electrified Bible stuff so my religious dad was very excited but the rest of us aren’t really religious so it mostly consisted of Hailey saying stuff like, “HEY!  FIRE TORNADO” and my dad stoically trying to explain the burning bush.

When Hailey saw Jonah standing in the mouth of the whale she was like, “LOOK!  MOBY DICK!”  And my dad visibly shuddered and I was like, “Holy crap, Hailey.  That’s not Moby Dick.” and my dad was like, “No, it’s not” and I said, “That’s Pinocchio’s dad.”  And then Hailey was like, “Oh.  Duh.  Of course it is.”  And my mom never stopped laughing and Hailey didn’t understand what was so funny and my dad lightly glared at us all and I thought that it was a real Christmas miracle that we could love each other so much in spite of being so very different and so very alike.

*******

And on an entirely different subject, it’s time for the Sunday wrap-up!

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

• Possibly the best raccoon/weasel book bag ever

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

• Sorry Kevin.
• Damn good company.

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Storyworth, who I lurv.  Still looking for a great gift for you parents or grandparents?  A StoryWorth Book is the perfect last minute gift for your loved ones. Each week, they’ll email them a question about their life – asking them to recount their favorite memory of their grandparents, or whether they’ve ever pulled any great pranks. All they have to do is reply with a story, which is forwarded to you and any other family members you invite. At the end of the year, their stories are bound in a beautiful keepsake book your family will cherish!  Click here to check them out.

First off, a quick update on the 2019 Bloggess Calendar: you guys have raised over $1,400 that will be donated to Project Night Night to help them provide comfort packages (a tote bag, blanket, a stuffed animal and a book) to children experiencing homelessness, and I am so incredibly grateful!

If you still need one you can click here to order one:

The cover art was done by my friend, Joe Badon, who has actually done the Bloggess Calendar cover for a number of years:

And next week?  We’re going to do the Ninth Annual James Garfield Miracle.

Every year I think it’ll be the last but then it rolls around again and someone who was helped in the past asks if they can help give back this year and it inspires me to do it one more time.  I was actually going to do it last week but I had a touch of depression and I didn’t think I’d have enough energy to get it done but I’m feeling better so if you’re struggling this year and need help getting a present for your kid this holiday or you want to help someone who is very much in need check back soon.

*******

And on an entirely different subject, it’s time for the Sunday wrap-up!

I’m going to BookPeople in a few days to sign books and if you want one for Christmas you can click here to order them and I’ll personalize it however you like.  And yes, I will happily write “KNOCK KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER” or “Thanks for burying that body for me” or draw a cat face in it if you want.  They ship all over the world.  To order a signed personalized copy just add the book to your cart and in the comments field during checkout write the name of the person you want me to inscribe it to or anything personal you want.

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

• Possibly the best raccoon/weasel book bag ever

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

• I have found my patronus.
• I wish I’d written this.

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Storyworth, who I love.  This holiday season, give your loved ones a StoryWorth Book to preserve their stories. Each week, we’ll email them a question about their life – asking them to recount their favorite memory of their grandparents, or whether they’ve ever pulled any great pranks. All they have to do is reply with a story, which is forwarded to you and any other family members you invite. At the end of the year, their stories are bound in a beautiful keepsake book your family will cherish!  Click here to check them out.

I did a load of laundry but I forgot to put it in the dryer for a few days and I was afraid I would dry that mildewy smell into it so I ran the wash again but then I forgot to put it in the dryer again and it had only been a day but technically it had been wet for three days so I washed it again just to be safe and that was day before yesterday and I just remembered that the same load was still in the wash so I’m washing it again and now I’m pretty sure I’ve set a record for washing the same load of clothes in a row which is sort of impressive but also horrifying because at this point it’s starting to feel like my washing machine is being haunted by these clothes and by my own poor decisions.  Does anyone else ever do this?

*******

And on an entirely different subject, it’s time for the Sunday wrap-up!

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

• Warm raccoons for snuggling.

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

• Obituary goals.
• Hello Germany!
• Living with a tiny predator.

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by BabyCared.  From them: “Here are BabyCared we help new parents and parents-to-be overcome frustration, pain, worry, guilt and stress from the time of planning through to pregnancy and life as a new parent.  Our personalized guides know exactly where you are in the journey because we’ve been there too.  Awful morning sickness?  BEEN THERE.  Don’t know how to pump and store your breast milk?  DONE THAT.”  You should check them out here.

I can’t stop watching this and every time I end up laughing until I cry as Hailey and I scream “LILY!” at each other and I think you need to watch it too:

View this post on Instagram

how many kids do y’all want?

A post shared by @ jokeyhoe on Oct 4, 2018 at 11:49am PDT

You’re welcome.

*******

And on an entirely different subject, it’s time for the Sunday wrap-up!

The-Oh-My-God-I-Love-October Edition

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

• As requested, raccoons to cover your lady garden

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

• Goodreads is giving away 100 copies of Furiously Happy!
• Day. Made.  Also, I don’t know how I got this before it was released but you should go preorder it because it’s awesome.
• My first NYT byline.  I want to send a copy to my Journalism professor but I’m pretty sure he’s dead so instead I’m showing you.

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by ORIGINAL SYN.  Afraid the world might be ending? Ever wonder what it might be like to live forever? Are you a woman over 30 who devoured The Hunger Games and was willing – NO, EAGER! – to fight to the death for Team Peta or Team Gale? If any or all of descriptors those apply, HOLY HELL DO WE HAVE THE BOOK FOR YOU. ORIGINAL SYN by Beth Kander is dystopian fiction with a twist, layering darkness and snarkiness and sharp social commentary. And yes, there are pretty people doing dangerous things. Seriously, y’all. Get addicted to this epic read before it’s your next Netflix binge. Get. It. Now.

This week Victor attempted to get me into gaming by buying an Oculus Go (a sort of stand-alone virtual reality goggle thing that you can play games on) and I have to admit that I was totally sucked in to all of the horror/mystery apps and promptly got lost in a bunch of VR haunted houses.  This was very entertaining to my family who recorded me making an ass of myself and who refused to play any of the horror games, mainly because they seemed to consist of me screaming in terror, flailing and falling over furniture and crawling on the floor to escape things that didn’t exist and that you can’t get away from because that’s not how virtual reality works.

View this post on Instagram

Part 4. Trapped in a haunted house. I’m shocked no one has called the cops at this point.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Sep 3, 2018 at 7:41pm PDT

What I have learned from my short time in virtual reality is that I have way too strong of an imagination and that if I’m playing a game where I’m being attacked by giant spiders and you sneak up behind me and tickle my arm I will punch you right in the ear and you will deserve it.

This morning I woke up Victor because I was playing a zombie game in bed and he was like “What are you doing?” and I was like, “DON’T DISTRACT ME.  I’M BEATING OFF A HORDE OF ZOMBIES AND I’M GOING FOR THE RECORD” and he was like, “Ew, phrasing” but I can’t be expected to catch double-entendres while I’m being attacked by the undead, Victor.   Also, I was playing multi-player and the game paired me up with some guy in Russia and I couldn’t really understand what he was saying but he kept waving at me with his gun and I was like, “Wow, this guy is really friendly” so I kept waving back but turns out that he was waving to tell me to turn around and fight because I was being eaten by zombies and then I logged off immediately out of sheer mortification.  Conclusion: I can’t even be cool in virtual reality, y’all.

*******

And on an entirely different subject, it’s time for the Sunday wrap-up!

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

• I keep getting asked about miniature giant metal chickens for your desk.  They’re hidden away right here.
• There are matching Rory’s too.

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

• We’re all monsters
• Thanks, Cracked.
• This is awful and also I sort of wish I’d been there.
• Good company.

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by SUC-IT, because selfie sticks are annoying and pop sockets are so 2017. From them: “If you prefer to look like an Uber or Lyft driver with a giant phone mount in your car, well then we aren’t going to stop you but the SUC-IT will do all of the above with one single, sexy, removable device that you clip on to your phone. The SUC-IT suctions to just about any smooth surface you can find so you can take selfies, watch movies, use it on your boat, use for navigation in your car, and keep your phone from dropping.  And if you like forehead hickies then you can SUC-IT to your face (trust me, everyone tries it).”  Check them out here. Use promo code BLOGGESS10 for 10% off your first order!

Hailey asked me what I’d choose to have squirt out of my finger on demand if I had the choice of any liquid and I thought vodka would be good but a bottle of vodka lasts me forever so instead I went with gasoline and Hailey said that would taste terrible but then I explained that I’d use it to never have to go to the gas station again.  Hailey chose hot fudge, which I’m not sure is technically a liquid but is still a very good choice.  Then I asked Victor what liquid he’d choose to have squirt out of his finger and almost before I’d finished the question he said, “Acid.  For sure.  I’d squirt acid out of my finger.”  And then I just stared at him for a bit because he answered that way too quickly but I think our choices probably say a lot about our personalities and this is one of the weirdest Rorschach test ever.

PS. I just changed my answer because I think that probably the best liquid to squirt out of your finger is blood because blood banks are always low and that way I could donate a ton of blood.  Victor just pointed out that my finger already squirts out blood on demand if I cut the tip off so it’s almost like I got my wish, except not really at all, Victor.

*******

And on an entirely different subject, it’s time for the Sunday wrap-up!

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

• Rory and Beyonce socks to keep you company.

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

• Worst.  Build-a-Bear.  Ever.
• I’ve never felt more understood in my life.
• Chinese copies of Furiously Happy and Let’s Pretend This Never Happened are dropping.  Literally.
• Hide and Seek Champion 2018
• The drawings, y’all.

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Better Help.  Some issues in life are best solved with the help of a professional and there’s no shame in asking for that help.  BetterHelp is a great online counseling platform that provides unlimited access to a licensed counselor for less than the cost of in-person therapy.  Get matched with a counselor and start communicating via text, live chat, phone call or video within 24 hours. You should check them out here.

Today is Father’s Day and that can be complicated for people because fathers are complicated people.  I’m very lucky to have a wonderful father (and that Hailey does as well) but for a lot of people this day can be hard or bittersweet or lonely or just plain uncomfortable.  So if you are feeling too much today then I encourage you to change the day up.  Go out and honor father figures in your life.  Maybe they’re friends who’ve been there for you, or people you’ve seen care for others in inspiring ways or even heroes you’ve never even met but who helped to make you who you are.  Honor the things you’ve done to help others grow and become better people.  Sometimes the best fathers aren’t even fathers at all.

And that’s sort of amazing.

Thank you to all who inspire, whether you are a father or not.

*******

And on an entirely different subject, it’s time for the Sunday wrap-up!

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

• As requested: BE NICE OR I WILL STAB YOU.

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

• My dog is made out of springs
• Damn good company

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by WHO GIVES A CRAP.  No, really. Do you have the kind of bottom that deserves the best? Of course you do. That’s why you should start wiping with Who Gives  A Crap, this week’s wrap up sponsor. They make super soft toilet paper, that just so happens to do good too. They donate 50% of profits to help build toilets for the 2.3 billion people living without one and all of their products are made without trees. Good for the world, great for your bum. Click here and use the discount code BLOGGESS to get $10 off your first purchase.

Happy birthday!

Is it your birthday?  I KNOW BECAUSE I AM PSYCHIC.

Is it not your birthday?  Yes it is.  You are wrong.  Because I SUCK at remembering birthdays and have even forgotten my own so I decided that today is everyone’s birthday.  If you want to go up a year you are a year older.  If you want to go down 10 years that’s fine too.  These are the rules of Universal Birthday Day.

And what do you get for your birthday?  You get something lovely and it’s entirely up to you what that thing is.  Go take a hot bath and listen to true crime podcasts.  Go buy a bunch of facial masks and oils and give yourself a spa day.  Go buy that thing you’ve been wanting but haven’t been able to justify.  Sit in the grass and read an amazing book.  Binge-watch Doctor Who.  Go to the movies.  Call the person who makes you laugh.  Forgive yourself for that thing you’ve been feeling bad about.  Dress your pets up in costumes and have a small parade.  Snuggle with rescue animals at a no-kill shelter.  Have a pillow fight.  Learn a new hobby.  Eat an ice cream cake.  Go to the library.  Pull out the slip-and-slide.  Have a whipped cream fight.  Take a nap with your pets.  DO WHATEVER YOU WANT BECAUSE IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY!

And that means it’s my birthday too so I am going to finish this post and then give away presents because that makes me happy.  So leave me a comment telling me what wonderful thing you’re going to do for yourself for your birthday and I’ll randomly email some of you gift certificates for books or bath bombs or whatever strange thing makes your heart sing.

Happy birthday, y’all.

*******

And on an entirely different subject, it’s time for the Sunday wrap-up!

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

• As requested:  Rory watches…
• and shoes.  (Updated:  Shoes currently sold out.  Sorry!)

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

• Me in 7th grade vs. my kid in 7th grade.
• Be careful out there.
• Bookmark this.  The best thread to combat all the bullshit out there.

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by StoryWorth Books, which I’m actually a huge fan of and have bought for both of my parents.  From them: Still looking for a meaningful Father’s Day gift? StoryWorth is the perfect last minute gift. Each week, we’ll email him a question about his life – asking him about his favorite memory of his grandparents, or whether he’s ever pulled any great pranks. All he has to do is reply with a story, which is forwarded to you and any other family members you invite. At the end of the year, his stories are bound in a beautiful keepsake book your family will cherish!”  You should check it out here.

Victor asked if I’d go with him to a party where I know no one and I laughed but turns out he was serious and I felt really bad for him but I don’t even go to parties that are for me but he really wanted to go so I told him I’d go but only if I could wear a t-shirt I made that says “HERE COMES HEPATITIS” on the front so people would avoid me and he was against that because I guess he has something against hepatitis and I do too because hepatitis killed my grandmother but that’s exactly why I made the shirt.

And also if people do talk to me I have an automatic conversation starter about the importance of hand-washing and clean needles and not inviting me to parties.  And Victor said that I couldn’t wear the shirt because I don’t have hepatitis but I think that’s short-sighted because tons of people have hepatitis and don’t know it and I just finished tuberculosis treatment so it seems like hepatitis is the next logical step with my luck.  Victor says faking hepatitis is not really acceptable at parties and I get that but “HERE COMES CRIPPLING INTROVERSION” seems like it would just attract others like me who would be like, “OMG ME TOO” and that would be a relief for a half-second but then we’d be all stuck together and none of us can carry on a proper conversation without blurting out inappropriate nonsense and we’d all rather be home anyway.  Honestly, the only thing that would make it okay is if the shirt had a kangaroo pocket you could stick a kitten in and when it got weird we just pull out our kittens and relax because we could just talk to the kitten instead of each other.  Someone invent that.

(Also it needs a hidden flask in the boob section and sleeves that are made of fruit rolls-ups so I can eat them in case I get too hot and/or peckish.)

PS. Victor just read this post and agrees that I should not go to the party. Whoop!  This blog is better than hepatitis.

*******

And on an entirely different subject, it’s time for the Sunday wrap-up!

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

• EVERYTHING IS RUINED.
• HERE COMES CRIPPLING INTROVERSION.  (Kitten/boob flask/edible sleeves/hepatitis not included)

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

• My dad made a dragon.
• When I first twittered.

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by StoryWorth Books, which I’m actually a huge fan of and have bought for both of my parents.  From them: Still looking for a meaningful Father’s Day gift? StoryWorth is the perfect last minute gift. Each week, we’ll email him a question about his life – asking him about his favorite memory of his grandparents, or whether he’s ever pulled any great pranks. All he has to do is reply with a story, which is forwarded to you and any other family members you invite. At the end of the year, his stories are bound in a beautiful keepsake book your family will cherish!”  You should check it out here.