Category Archives: weekly reruns

me:  So apparently I could have murdered people if I’d just been born hundreds of years ago.

Victor:  …I’m sorry?

me:  Don’t be sorry.  Be impressed.

Victor:  Um…no.

me:  I’m reading this book and it says that according to slavic legend, people born on a Saturday were called sâbotnik, and they were natural-born vampire hunters.  And people born in the two weeks after Xmas were considered uber vampire slayers.  I’m half-slavic AND I was born on a Saturday that fell during the super vampire Xmas vacation thing.  I’M THE MOST DANGEROUS KIND OF CAPRICORN.

Victor:  Huh.

me:  I would have been granted by the other villagers official license to destroy any vampires I find, which is pretty bad-ass but also sounds a bit exhausting so I’d probably just give the stink-eye to assholes so they know I could stab them if I wasn’t so tired.

Victor:  Well, you kinda do that already.

me:  Oh…hang on.  This says that I’d probably also eventually turn into a vampire because being born on those days makes you “unclean” and apparently the only reason I could sense vampires is because I’m sort of evil too.

Victor:  Well that part still tracks.

me:  I guess it’s nice to know I could have another career if this writing thing goes to shit.

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Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

• As requested: TAKE YOUR MEDS

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

• This thread is everything.
• The Funniest Audiobooks of All Time
• I want this for the bookshop so bad it hurts.
• Teddy the talking porcupine is what October is made of.
• SANCTUARY!

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Psychedelic Design Co.  This site has T-shirts, phone cases and household goods with some truly fun and original designs by a young artist.  If you’re looking for something different and original and you’d like to help an aspiring artist pursue his dream, you should totally check this site out!

So yesterday I was listening to the latest My Favorite Murder podcast about Karl Tanzler, the crazy stalker guy who was so obsessed with this lady he stole her corpse and lived with it for years and tried to bring it back to life.  In the podcast they talk about the fact that after he got out of jail he wrote about his story in an 1947 pulp fantasy magazine called Fantastic Adventures and then later Ben Harrison wrote a book about it called Undying Love.

AS I’M LISTENING TO THIS PODCAST I open a package from one of my friends.  He and his husband are visiting Key West (where the corpse bride story took place) and they saw that I’d signed the lease on my bookshop so they went to an Indie bookshop (Key West Island Books) to find a gift for me, and the bookseller knew me and was like, “You should get her this.”  And inside the package was a signed copy of Undying Love and the original 1947 copy of Fascinating Adventures.

WHAT.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure this is a sign that I need to dig up a corpse or something but that sounds like too much cardio so instead I’m going to take it as a sign that the bookstore is a good idea and that maybe today we should be sharing the podcasts we’re love because honestly I need some new ones to listen to.

Here are a few I’ve been enjoying lately :

Over My Dead Body

Hidden Brain

For Keeps

Room 20

Running From Cops

spit

Hell and Gone

The Clearing

Black Hands

Rusty Hinges

Confronting OJ Simpson

Against the Rules

Nice Try!

David Tennant Does a Podcast

Voyage to the Stars

Whatever Happened to Pizza at McDonalds?

This is Love / This is Criminal

To Live and Die in LA

Beyond Bizarre True Crime

American Scandal

Twisted Podcast

Root of Evil

Cold

Off Book

Killer Instinct

Serial

True Crime Island

Heavyweight

Cabinet of Curiosities

Disgraceland

Pretend Radio

Love and Radio

Done Disappeared

Mission to Zyxx

Spooked

Unhappy Hour

Radiolab

Ear Hustle

The Grift

Reply All

This American Life

Undone

Your turn.  What should we all be listening to?

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Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

• As requested: TAKE YOUR MEDS

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

• Bookstore coverage!
• And more
• I literally had to throw away the toaster after this.
• I want to live here.
• Very good company

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Plus by Design Vikki Vi.  You know how fancy clothes usually require medieval-looking shapewear complete with spandex flying buttresses?  This is not that.  Vikki Vi Classics (size 0X-4X) show that stylish clothes can be as comfortable as pajamas.  For reals.  Wear them to the office, your second-cousin’s wedding, a sight seeing tour of that-city-where-you-refuse-to-dress-like-a-tourist – you name it.  You can use promo code BLOGGESS for 20% off your first order.

So if all is going according to plan I should be in a plane coming back from Japan.  Was it fun?  Am I still alive?  Am I in jail?  No clue.  After all, this is the ghost of Jenny past writing this.  What I do know is that it’s Sunday if you are reading this and that means it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

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Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

• As requested: Gambling with raccoons

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

• “I’m a midwife.”
• Big spoon, little spoon.

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Spiritual Rebel, where spiritually snarky author Sarah Bowen draws from ancient spiritual masters and modern pop culture to help find meaning in life’s chaos by tapping the F-
word. And she means the Force, of course, by whatever name you call it. Sarah also divulges juicy tidbits from her own journey, including challenges with her birth religion, descent into addiction, and recovery into a life where everything can be sacred―including the meditating with her cats, forest bathing, and sacred space crashing. Get the book Spiritual Rebel: A Positively Addictive Guide to Finding Deeper Perspective and Higher Purpose online or at your favorite bookstore anywhere in the Galaxy.

Victor and I have been fighting about who should sit on the Iron Throne:

me:   I’ve decided that I’m rooting for Nymeria.

Victor:  Who?

me:  Arya’s direwolf.  Because first of all, she is a good girl and needs snuggles.  She attacks bad people and isn’t afraid to eat people when necessary.  Plus, everyone would bend the knee because you couldn’t stop yourself from bending down to give her head scritches.

Victor:  I’m still rooting for Daenerys.

me:  You can’t root for Daenerys,  She’s all crazy now.

Victor: Yeah, but I have a thing for crazy women.

me: Huh.  I don’t know if I should be offended or complimented.

Victor:  Both, I guess.

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And on an entirely different subject, it’s time for the Sunday wrap-up!

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

• An important reminder from my cat.  (50% off today if you use the code STAYCREATIVE)

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

• So here’s how we’re NOT going to respond to negative reviews

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by the Vikki Vi Fashion Blog, where Jen Anderson dishes out frank advice about living and dressing while plus size. Whether you’re gunning for a raise or trying to figure out what on earth “smart casual” means she’s got your back. They also sell clothes and you can use the promo code BLOGGESS for 20% off your first order.  I recommend starting here.

Almost every day Amazon sends me terrible recommendations so I share them on twitter and then people send me their terrible recommendations and Amazon is like, “Well if you liked that you’ll love this fucked up thing” and it just keeps getting more and more brilliant/horrifying.  It’s always fun to look at but if you aren’t reading the comments you are missing the best parts.  Case in point, last night’s recommendation:

Never change, y’all.

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And on an entirely different subject, it’s time for the Sunday wrap-up!

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

• Pillows are 50% off today.  You might need this one to scare the cats off the bed.  If the vagina pillow didn’t do that already, that is.
• A shirt from Nowhere.  (Hopefully soon these will be sold through the bookstore but for the moment I’m making these available here.)

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

• 22 words
• One owl snow cone, please.

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by StoryWorth. Mother’s Day is next Sunday, and a StoryWorth book is a fab present. Once a week for a year, she’ll receive an email with a question about her life – asking her to describe her favorite childhood memory, or how she picked your name. All she has to do is reply with an answer, which is forwarded to you and any other family members you invite. At the end of the year, her stories are bound in a beautiful keepsake book your family will cherish.  I’ve bought this for both my parents and I cannot recommend it enough.  Check it out here.

So yesterday I woke up to this:

View this post on Instagram

The view from my window. The house is beat up but we’re safe.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Apr 13, 2019 at 8:15am PDT

Some of the hail was big as baseballs and now there are some holes in the side of my house and roof looks like crap but we’re safe and had a lot less damage than some of our neighbors.

When I was taking pictures of the damage I found this:

View this post on Instagram

My new scientific discovery. Hail nipple.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Apr 13, 2019 at 8:35am PDT

And I was very excited that I would be immortalized forever (or at least my nipples would be) because obviously I would name them after myself and whenever there was a freak storm people would be like, “Bring the cat in or she’ll be knocked out by Jenny Lawson’s Nipples!” but then scientists on twitter were like, “Those were already discovered” so that was disappointing.  But the nice thing is that normally this would shatter my nerves and I was…kind of okay?  So maybe it’s a sign that the TMS is working more than I thought.

Then Victor decided to run with the baseball theme and take advantage of me being able to leave the house so we took Hailey to her first baseball game.  And it was lovely except that there was a taco there and I thought his head looked like a clitoris and Hailey was like, “WHAT.  It’s clearly a hot dog.”  And I was like, “Why would a hot dog be in a taco?” and she gave me a look like, “WHY WOULD A CLITORIS BE IN A TACO?” so I decided to ask the taco himself and he can’t talk but he mimed his flabbergastedness very well and for so long that a small child finally came up to comfort him.  Then he gave Victor the “Go with God, my son” gesture which seemed an overreaction but maybe was kind of fair.

(Also, I assure you there were no small children around when I asked him about his clitoris, although technically I think it’s good for kids to be more aware of medical terms  because even spellcheck has it underlined like, “What’s a ‘clitoris’?  I don’t think that even exists.”

You’re part of the problem, spellcheck.

And as the sun set and the fireworks exploded I realized that maybe I’m going to be okay after all.  And that I probably won’t be allowed back at the baseball game ever again.

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And on an entirely different subject, it’s time for the Sunday wrap-up!

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

• Mugs are 50% off today.  You might need this one.

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

• This whole thread is GOLD.

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by The Seeker’s Dungeon.  Guest writers are wanted for the new blogging event over at The Seeker’s Dungeon.  You need not be a blogger, just have a story to tell.  The new event, From Darkness to Light, is about sharing how you turned a trauma or tribulation into motivation in following your own life’s purpose.  By sharing our stories we can inspire others while remembering that we are not alone.  Add your voice!

So this happened:

View this post on Instagram

Last week I notice the outgoing mailbox for our neighborhood is always filled with sticks. Apparently I’ve been sticking letters in a birdhouse.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Mar 30, 2019 at 6:33pm PDT

And I felt bad that I’d been shoving mail onto this bird like he was some sort of Hogwarts owl but I felt even worse a few minutes ago when I was staring into the mailbox and saying, “Hello?  Are you hungry?  Do you need help?” without realizing that a neighbor was creeping up behind me and thinking I was insane.  So I explained that I was not talking to the mailbox and that there was a bird squatter in there and she was like, “Oh yeah, that nest has been there for years.  Every time the mail carrier pulls it out the birds rebuild it so now it’s just a bird house.”  And I felt very happy to know that the bird could easily get out and was safe from predators but also pretty fucking unobservant because we’ve lived her for years and apparently I’ve been shoving bills on these birds forever.

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And on an entirely different subject, it’s time for the Sunday wrap-up!

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

• Towels are half off today so you need this.  Plus, if you fold it sideways the profanity is hidden.  Or showcased, depending on how you hang it.  

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

• Admittedly, it was not well thought out.
• Relatable. 
• I’m moving to Australia and filling parking lots with airconditioned cars with no doors.
• Go read this.

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Palace Rings. Though you probably don’t want your teenager to act like a princess, you do want her to always feel like one. Palace Rings offers a great assortment of princess crown rings that will surely make anyone feel special. What’s not to like about a small crown you wear as a ring? The popularity of these rings continues to grow and teenage girls seriously love them. Let the princess in your life know that she’s special by getting her a crown ring! Use code BLOGGESS at checkout for 30% off. Click here to check them out.

So yesterday for my birthday Victor took me to an escape room because I’ve always wanted to go and I’m not sure what I was thinking because paying to get locked in a tiny room with an uber-competitive Victor who is trying to beat the record for breaking out of the room quickest is pretty much the quickest way to bring on a divorce but it was surprisingly fun except for the time we asked our hidden host for a clue because we were stuck and the clue was that we needed to use the key on the string from the box under the map but there wasn’t a key on a string stuck to the box under the map and Victor was like, “THIS ROOM IS BORKED.  SOMEONE HOSED US” and finally they stopped the timer and a lady walked in and pulled the key out of the box that we’d insisted was empty and the look on her face was identical to the one I get when Victor tells me his socks are missing I tell him to look in the dryer and he says he did and they aren’t in there and I tell him to check again and he does and accuses me of stealing them and then I go look and, don’t worry y’all, because they were in the dryer.

Long story short, we did not break the record and next time we’re bringing our own hacksaws and a bolt cutter and maybe a battering ram and a therapist.

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And on an entirely different subject, it’s time for the Sunday wrap-up!

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

• 2019 Bloggess Calendar is here!

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

• That moment when you finally have enough dead mice to create a whole circus.
• People sharing what they love about others.
• Here’s a raccoon taking a bubblebath.

This week’s wrap-up is brought to by Sandrandan Jewelry, weird name, cool stuff. Everything in the shop is designed and made by Sandra Sutherlin, and often incorporates unusual elements such as spyglasses, compasses, sundials, and vintage pieces. Use the coupon code BLOGGESS to receive 10% off of your entire order (coupon may be used as often as you like). It’s awesome and I’ve bought a ton of pieces that I cherish from her over the years so you should check her out here.  Sandrandan Jewelry: eccentrically gorgeous jewelry; we may become your new obsession!