Every so often I look at the things people were searching for on the internet that brought them to this blog. Then I shake my head at humanity. Then I copy the least offensive but most baffling searches and share them here with you. Because I’m a giver.
What people were searching for on the internet this week that led them here:
- “How to know I’m not in a coma”
- “accidental lesbian”
- “u didn’t have to hang up on me you shuld have told me u dont want me to call you poem”
- “monkeys kissing people walk on the vagina” (It feels like there should be a period here, but I’m not sure where.)
- “Miss Johnson you’re amazing”
- “I want to eat you down into the belly.” (Wow. English is not your first language, is it? Because this is not a good pick-up line.)
- “Our cat had 4 babies, now there’s 3. Did it eat baby?”
- “Naked woman hula hooping”
- “I don’t know what i just did. I just peed on my favorite adult cats.”
- “Pictures of me naked” (You’re not doing this internet thing right.)
- “Tell them other bitches funny songs. I’m the one dumb as a 62 ounce slurpee drink”
- “tentacle pregnancy egg”
- “Hire people to beat someone up”
- “hemorrhaging & puddle of blood” (Why are you on the internet? GO TO THE DOCTOR.)
- “Had nervous breakdown/now my daughter is “taking care” of me/what do I do?”
- “I just cut five inches off my hair. how do i get my hairs back?” (Oh, honey. Bless your stupid heart.)
- “I will never go back to jail.”
- “Jenny Lawson is a tall treat.” (Aw, shucks.)
- “dig dog up to see how he died” (I’m guessing he died because you buried him?)
- “crafty unicorn made out of real hair”
- “Fuck off. I’m fabulous.”
- “Those chimpanzees will be sued”
- “Is it ok to let my dog eat me?” (I don’t know what this means…but in any case, no.)
- “how do you get the dog stop sucking the head eggs and let me have a phone number to call them people?”
- “that one had hair on it”
- “Gandalf, you better be at my door” (YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF GANDALF.)
- “78 year old lady does her own home perms”
- “How to remove tracker bug from belly button?” (I think you’re confusing real life with the Matrix again.)
- “mushroom looks like snowman”
- “guys sit on a buck of fireworks and pops the butt.”
- “Something red is poking from my belly button.” (Is it a tracker bug?)
- “What will happen if you let a moth in your ear?” (This is like the insect version of “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie”.)
- “Why shouldn’t some cats play cards?”
- “WHERE M I NOW?” (Based on your search, I’d guess “a bar”.)
- “do-it-yourself cat costumes for toddlers”
- “Did nellie oleson eat shit on little house on the prairie?”
- “can you paint cat’s toenails?”
- “Can I use butter on my dog?”
- “Whatever happened to Lou Diamond Phillips?”
- “Why does my cat smell my left eye?”
- “why do blueberry unicorns cross the milk chocolate river when they could just fly to the other side?”
- “Why is there a really long grey hair coming out of my stomach?
- “What happens if you can’t dig up St Joseph’s body after your house sells?”
- “What does it mean when someone says ‘Fuck yeah I like watermelon’?”
- “Anyone having nightmares about Morgan Freeman?”
- “Is it ok with Jesus when I am pretending to pray but I am not?” (Have you even read these other searches? YOU’RE FINE.)