Category Archives: You people scare me and I sort of love it.

Happy Booksgiving!

Hello, and welcome to the FIFTH YEAR OF BOOKSGIVING!

What is Booksgiving?  It’s pretty much the only holiday I actually enjoy celebrating (other than Halloween).  It’s a day when I give out free copies of my books to people who may need them.  It usually takes place earlier in February but I was in a bit of a depression so I decided to wait until I could breathe again and turns out today is also Random Acts of Kindness Day so it’s almost like my mental illness planned this.

The strange thing about Booksgiving is that very often other people get involved and are like, “I want to buy a book for someone too!” so even if you’re the 26th person asking for a book it is entirely possible some wonderful stranger will gift it to you.

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All you have to do is start a brand new wishlist on Amazon with ONE book on it.  (Just one book, okay?  Otherwise it’s not really fair.  The only exception to the one-book-maximum is if you are also picking one book for your child, which is totally fine.)

Click here for directions on how to create a wishlist and PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU FOLLOW STEP 3 about adding your address to this specific brand-new wishlist because otherwise the person buying it won’t be able to send it.

And if you want to surprise a stranger with a book just click on their link, buy their book, choose their address at checkout (it’ll just give you their town for privacy reasons) and send!  (If it doesn’t give you their address it means they skipped step 3 and didn’t enter their address so just delete that book from your cart and try the next person.)

And if you want to get involved but don’t want to buy or give books then just share in the comments what your favorite book is that everyone should read.  What’s the underrated book that no one knows?  What’s the book you wish you could wipe out of your mind just so you could read it again for the first time?  What’s the book you read as a kid that saved you?  (And if you wrote a book feel free to pimp it out below.)  Discovering new books = fried gold.

(Also, I do realize that it’s a bit ironic I’m doing this on Amazon when I’m about to open my own independent bookstore but I haven’t been able to figure out a good way to do this through Nowhere yet.  Maybe next year.)

SO!  Do you need a copy of Furiously Happy, or Let’s Pretend This Never Happened or You Are Here?  Make a wishlist with the one book you want on it and post it in the comments and I’ll send a copy to the first 25 people who respond with a working wishlist.  And if I can find some extra cash I’ll send some more later.

Happy reading y’all!

PS.  If you aren’t in America leave that in your comment because shipping can be crazy expensive if you aren’t matched up with someone in your country.  🙂

PPS.  PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU ADDED YOUR ADDRESS TO THIS SPECIFIC WISHLIST.  That always trips people up.

Mother’s Day is complicated.

Mother’s Day is filled with conflicting emotions for a lot of us.  I’m incredibly lucky that I have a mother who I adore.  I’m enormously thankful that after lots of miscarriages and hundreds of injections I ended up with a small miracle in my daughter.  I’m one of the lucky ones.  But here’s the thing…Mother’s Day isn’t just about being mom or having a mom.  It’s also about celebrating the mother figures that come into your life.  And they do come in strange and wonderful ways that we don’t always recognize.

Like my little sister who helps me with work and always has my back because she’s naturally nurturing.  Or my friend Maile who literally carried me to the hospital last month and stayed with me the entire time, watching over me even when I was passing out and ridiculous.  Or my friends who check in with me, and who don’t get mad when I don’t always answer back because they love me enough to forgive me before even getting upset.  Or my daughter when she reminds me to take my medicine or my husband when he tells me to go to sleep and that everything will be okay, or the neighbor who yells at you for not wearing a coat outside because “are you trying to get a cold?” or the stranger at the store who quietly tells you that your skirt is tucked in to your underwear.  Or you guys…who support me when I’m up or down and who celebrate my successes with the pride of a mom, and worry about me and send me articles about eating right and who sometimes even hang up my drawings on your refrigerator.  Being a great mother isn’t necessarily about having a child or being older or even gender…it’s about caring for others beyond expectation…and today I celebrate every one of you who have gone beyond the necessary to so show kindness, love, gentle education, and even criticism when needed.  It makes the world a better place.

So Happy Mother’s Day to you…no matter who you are.

PS. If you want, feel free to share a comment about anyone in you life who has been there for you in a way that made you remember that in a way we are all each other’s mothers sometimes.

*******

And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Basic Invite, a stationery design company that puts design variety and personal style first. If you are planning a wedding, celebrating a graduation, or getting ready for a baby Basic Invite has a card for you. With tons of designs and customization options, there is something to suit every style! For example, if your baby shower is coming up… check out Basic Invite and customize your modern baby shower invitation. They have baby shower invites for girls or for boys or you can make your cards gender neutral, tailor them toward a coed shower or couples theme, or make it about you!  Basic Invite also has dreamy business cards and customizable personal stationery that are to die for! Click here to check them out.

Creepy doll challenge…phase 1. (UPDATED WITH PHASE 3)

A couple of weeks ago I challenged my friend (and fellow collector of creepy dolls) Bonnie to see who could rework this doll into the creepiest thing possible and now I’m ready to share my first variation.

In fairness, with the right lighting and filter it was already a little creepy:

But I thought I could go further.  So I added a few things.  Like a claw made of old erasers, a hand made of bark, another doll I repainted for her to hold, and a cat skeleton.  And some ruffles.

Work in progress…

Not a real cat skeleton. Thought I should clarify since I’m me.

Antiqued it a bit.  The end.

Then Victor and Hailey were like, “Not really creepy enough.  You didn’t do anything to her face” but I think that’s the creepy part.  They disagreed so I decided to make a stop-motion video to convince them.

They still don’t think it’s creepy enough because I think maybe I’ve immunized them with repeated exposure to weirdness so I’ll keep working on it and keep you posted.

PS.  I’ve seen other people talking about doing their own so if you decide to make a creepy doll post it in the comments because I totally want to see it.

UPDATE:  Consensus is that the face isn’t creepy enough so I’ve tried again:

View this post on Instagram

#creepydollchallenge Details on the blog.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on

What do you think?  Better?

UPDATED AGAIN:

Several of you noted that her hair was too “perky” to be scary so now one of my other dolls is bald so this could happen:

DONE.

Also, several of you have pointed out that she might always look a little too lovable to some of us because (as a misfit toy) she fits in our community very well and the more broken I make her, the more relatable she becomes, turning her into more of a mascot than a massacre.  Others would like me to stop posting creepy doll pictures so that they can start sleeping again.  Fair enough on both counts.

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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

sid2

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Story Worth, which is a pretty awesome idea  I’m going to try myself.  From them:”This year, give Mom a StoryWorth Book to preserve her stories. Each week, we’ll email her a question about her life – asking her to recount her favorite memory of her grandparents, or whether she’s ever pulled any great pranks. All she has to do is reply with a story, which is forwarded to you and any other family members you invite. At the end of the year, her stories are bound in a beautiful keepsake book your family will cherish!”  Check it out here.

Hey. Do you need something?

Okay.  Next week we’re doing the  7th Annual James Garfield Miracle.  Every year I think it will be the last and every year the people who were helped in the past ask me if it’s going on again because they’re now back on their feet and they want a chance to give back and this year is no exception, so technically I blame you.  But in a good way.  (In case you’re new, the James Garfield Miracle is when we get together and help give toys, blankets, and books to homeless children or to children whose parents are seriously struggling during the holidays.  It’s done anonymously in this community without any sponsors and it is a great joy to watch.)  If you want to help someone, or if you’re unable to buy a toy for your kid this holiday then watch this blog next week and I’ll set it up with all the instructions then.  It is awesome and exhausting and THIS IS NOT THAT.

Today’s post is just a small way to say thank you to everyone here who has been so amazing and supportive.  Because of the sponsors on the sidebars we’re able to keep this blog going without losing money.  Because of the people who buy things using my affiliate links I’m able to give back that money during the James Garfield Miracle.  Because you’ve been so incredibly supportive with my writing I now have two #1 NYT bestsellers and can spend my time creating ridiculous things that somehow help others.  That’s pretty amazing and I am so incredibly lucky.

As a small ‘thank you’ I decided that it would be nice to give back in some way so I pulled out a stack of my books that I usually drop off at Little Free Libraries and I’m going to give them away to the first people who say that they really need one.  Maybe you haven’t been able to afford one of them yet, or maybe you know someone who needs one, or maybe you’re in a bad place and you just need a reminder that someone cares…whatever.  Just leave a comment (with an email address!) telling me if you want Let’s Pretend This Never Happened in hard cover, Let’s Pretend This Never Happened on CD, Furiously Happy in hardcover, or Furiously Happy on CD.  If YOU ARE HERE was finished I’d give it away too but we have a couple more months before it’s done.  I’ll email you for your mailing address so make sure you check your email today.

Additionally, I know there are a lot of people during the holiday seasons who feel alone so I thought maybe I would set up an open thread on my Facebook page if any of you want to become friends or exchange info to send cards or to find someone struggling with similar things to have someone to talk to.  I have no idea if this is a good idea or not, but what the hell.  Click here if you want to find friends in the community.

And now, comments are open.  Let me know if you are in need of a book and be sure to specify which book and which format because it’s first-asked, first served.

Things to give away today. Dorothy Barker not included.

Things to give away today. Dorothy Barker not included.

 

UPDATED: Holy crap, that went fast.  I gave away the 35 copies I had and I’m going to check the closets to see if I have any more.  I think I have a box of Let’s Pretend copies somewhere if I can find them.  I left comments on all the comments that I could fill and I’ve already been told that some people are contacting others to pass on their copy or buy one for others.  I love you people so hard.  If I find more books and email you but someone else has bought it for you since I’ve written this then just let me know and I’ll move on to the next person.  Thank you for being you.

PS. I’m not sure how safe it is to have your email address in a comment so I’ll probably go back and delete them in a day or two so they don’t get used for spam or something.  Also, if you want to buy someone a copy but don’t want to ask for their physical address you can just confirm that the email works and then send them an electronic gift card.  I trust everyone in this community but I’m just throwing it out there just in case.

PS. Thank you.

 

Jesus, you guys. I DON’T HAVE THE ANSWERS. But I do have a lot more questions now.

Every so often I go look at the search terms that brought people to my blog and then I think STOP DOING THAT.  But then I decide that it would make a funny post and share some of them even though writing these phrases here will inevitably just lead to more terribly baffling searches leading here.

WORTH IT.

The most baffling terms that led people to my blog this month:

  • I bought a sick monkey on ebay (I can’t tell if you’re complaining or bragging)
  • What happens if you have a hole in your eardrum and an ant crawls inside your ear?  (I don’t know but I will never sleep again.)
  • How to prevent a tittie from growing on your ear (Is this a real concern?)
  • when i laugh my belly button pops but i am a boy  (Wait.  Do you think this is normal for girls?)
  • Chrissy, I fucking hate you and I want you dead by tomorrow morning bitch.  (Jesus.  I don’t know who Chrissy is but someone get her to safe house.)
  • best personal peeing (Is this an award? Congrats?)
  • what if a gnat flies in my nose and i find him in my ear a week later (How do you know it’s the same gnat?)
  • There are cobras that look so!!so!! cool!!!!! and are the biggest cobras found ever and ever like never seen before that’s why they are cooll!!!!!
 (I have no idea what you’re talking about but your excitement is contagious.)
  • Where can I volunteer and get a small money as a thank you (That is not how volunteering works.)
  • Dear google please help me with my question
 (That is not how google works.)
  • Can cats swallow a baby?  (That is not how cats work.)
  • How much money is in a $10 bill (Is this a trick question?)
  • windex enema used by serial killers  (No.  Stop it.)
  • strange and disturbing things about my old little pony (What?)
  • straight white pubic hair that feels like a cat whisker (What??)
  • Inflated cat butt (What???)
  • single cougar boobs (What????)
  • DIY cat outfits (Wha- Oh wait.  Yes. I’m in.  Come on over.)
  • how much nyquil to make me unconscious
 (This is exactly the week I’ve had too.)
  • can single white rapid hair growth on forehead be a sign of early pregnancy (Probably not.)
  • danger nipples (And I just found my new band name.)
  • He put a dick on my forehead and said I’m a unicorn (He sounds like a keeper.)
  • Why do I have white stuff on my face? (Hmm.  Nope. Too easy.)
  • True stories about everyone is telephoning to congratulate you on still being alive (That is a very specific genre.)
  • What does a feces smell prophetically represent if I’m awake and not dreaming (If you’re awake and you smell feces you may have shit yourself. That’s not symbolic or prophetic. That’s real life.)
  • Oh look. One of the peasants has a blog. (Ow.)
  • poto bagina (I don’t know what you’re misspelling but I know you’re misspelling it)
  • Dead squirrel in attic smell (That is my least favorite yankee candle.)

Conclusion: There are a lot of confused people in the world and they are all ending up here.  Which makes sense in a way.  Welcome.  I think.

This isn’t a real post

This isn’t a real post.  Just checking in to say a few things that I have on my list of things to write about but that I haven’t written about because I haven’t had time to make into a polished post because I’ve been working on my next book (FINALLY MY BRAIN IS ALMOST WORKING AGAIN) but if I wait any longer I won’t write it at all and I’ll forget it…so, here is my mind dump of a few things you should know.

  1.  Are you listening to the INVISIBILIA podcast on NPR?  You should be.  I just discovered it a few months ago and I’ve been pouring through them and the one I listened to yesterday (The Problem with the Solution) totally gut-punched me.  But in a good way.  Just…ow.
  2. Y’all, it’s not out yet but Samantha Irby’s new book is so good it made me vomit.  Like, I want to smother her and take credit for writing it but then everyone would be like, “Wait.  You’re a black orphan with Crohn’s disease?  WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?”  But the book doesn’t come out until forever and I’m gonna forget to tell you about it when it does come out because I’m the worst so just remind me to tell you again when it’s available for preorder.  Or read her last book again while you’re waiting.  But then writing that reminded me of the book I read last year that was SO good and I wanted to tell everyone about it but it still had a billion months until publication so instead I just called my friends and read aloud from it while simultaneously aghast and giggling hysterically and I just went to check and it comes out this month so go order that shit right now because it was one of the best things I read this year.  It’s called UNMENTIONABLE: The Victorian Lady’s Guide to Sex, Marriage, and Manners.  It’s super gross and fascinating.  Like Mary Roach’s Stiff, but funnier.
  3. Speaking of books, I am a constant reader and I was thinking it would be cool if we had a bookclub, but I’m too lazy for that so what if I just put the name of the book I’m currently reading on a blog post each week and then in the comments you can discuss?  Except I pretty much only read nonfiction, sci-fi, fairy tales and graphic novels so it would be a very, very limiting bookclub.  Not sure about this one.  Just a thought I keep having.
  4. You know those metal kits I’ve been making for years when my anxiety gets high because working with the tiny pieces keeps me from picking away at myself?  (If not, read 1000 ferris wheels here.) I just finished a new one.  It took two hours to make it because it was 30+ tiny pieces but THE DOORS OPEN AND CLOSE.  WHAT.

    MOTHERFUCKIN' TARDIS, Y'ALL.

    MOTHERFUCKIN’ TARDIS, Y’ALL.

  5. Hunter S. Tomcat is sitting in the chair next to me and he has this enormous grin of contentment and I thought, I should share this, but then I realized I haven’t cleaned the cat fur off the seat cushion in 3 days so it looks filthy, but whatever.  A little bit of filth should not stand in the way of happiness.  In fact, a little bit of filth is sometimes the only road to happiness.  But that’s another story.
  6. He looks like he's wearing a tiny little white g-string.

    He looks like he’s wearing a too-small, tiny white g-string.

  7. Dorothy Barker decided she wanted in on this.  This is my dog when I say “bacon”.
    YOU ARE MY FAVORITE PERSON, BACON.

    “YOU ARE MY FAVORITE PERSON, BACON.”

    It’s not even real bacon. It’s fake dog bacon and it taste like sadness and giving up.  It smells like bacon though, which is why I tried it.  I thought I found a cheap bacon alternative that would help me keep my coat shiny but no, the bacon is a lie.  A beautiful one though, according to this dog.

  8. I use a lot of affiliate links in my posts but the money I get if you order stuff just goes back to the community when we do Booksgiving or Christmas miracles and stuff.  Just FYI in case you’re new to the tribe.
  9. I’m in Cincinnati this weekend signing books and stuff.  Come see me.  It’s free.
  10. There is no number 10 but I like to end on a round number.  Hugs.  ~ me