Occasionally I visit the same store where years ago I bought Beyoncé the Giant Metal Chicken. Usually it’s all pillows and dog toys and wicker baskets. Sometimes you’ll find a largish metal lobster and once there was a full-sized horse made of wine corks and sticks, but it’s never anything that really screams, “HEY, I’M FUCKING INSANE“.
Until today.
He was magnificent, but even on clearance he was way out of my price range. I tried to convince the clerk that they should sell me the 11 foot giraffe for half the asking price but he was having none of it. I argued that I’d bought a metal chicken half that size for one fifth of that price but he acted like math wasn’t relevant. “THIS IS HIGHWAY ROBBERY” I may have yelled. I pointed out that the giant giraffe was leading the eyes of customers up to a water stain in the ceiling but the clerk just shrugged and said you can’t haggle in a department store. I was like “YOU CAN’T HAGGLE IN A DEPARTMENT STORE” and I guess he didn’t understand that he was being challenged because he was all, “Yeah. That’s what I just said.”
I considered accidentally falling into the giraffe so that it would be dented and get discounted even more but I was afraid he would knock over other stuff and all of the displays would fall like dominoes, trapping innocent shoppers. And also, I’m not up-to-date on my tetanus shot. And also he was really heavy and I could only lift one giraffe leg before the manager came and said “Can I help you. ma’am?” But he didn’t want to help me topple the giraffe or barter for it so I guess the answer is that no, no one can help me.
Also I felt torn because there were two of them and I didn’t really want to split up a family. You’d have to though because who needs two giant metal giraffes? That’s just hoarding.
I told Victor that if I had Geraldo (with a hard G) Giraffe I could use him whenever I needed to change out lightbulbs and couldn’t find a ladder. But he didn’t look entirely sturdy so I’d need Victor’s help. I’d be like, “Hey, I need you to hold the giraffe so I can reach the crystal chandelier” and then Victor pointed out that we don’t even have a chandelier and I was like “Exactly. And we can spend all the money we didn’t spend on the chandelier we don’t have on this giraffe.” Victor did not agree because he doesn’t understand how money works.
Frankly, I was surprised the store still had two giraffes in stock but the clerk told me that they were the only giraffes they had and none had been sold. I nodded and explained that it was probably because having two of them displayed together made them seem less special. Like having the Hope Diamond next to a Hope Diamond Junior. So technically the store should have let me buy the biggest one for a cheaper price because then it would be easier for them to sell the smaller giant giraffe because the person who bought the next one would be like “I JUST BOUGHT THE BIGGEST GIRAFFE EVER AND NO ONE ELSE HAS ANYTHING LIKE IT” because they didn’t have an eleven foot giraffe to compare it to. I’d be doing that person a favor because you shouldn’t feel embarrassed about buying an 8 foot giraffe, but if you have a 11 foot giraffe next to it that’s just inevitable.
It seemed like it would be worth it just to see the clerks have to carry an eleven foot giraffe out of the store and strap it to the hood of my car. Victor disagreed and started yelling about me “scratching the paint” but obviously I’d wrap the giraffe with towels first so it wouldn’t scratch the paint of the giraffe. I’m not stupid, Victor. But then he said I was missing the point and I guess the point is that he doesn’t want me to buy towels.
But it didn’t matter because they wouldn’t give me a discount and I’m not paying $500 for a giraffe that isn’t at least on wheels so I can take it for walks. I’m too selfish. Much like the people at this store apparently.
I argued that “you should let me have these giraffes cheaper because then you’ll have more room for more giraffes. Think about how many giant metal giraffes corporate will send you when they see you’re finally moving these. Next month you might get a life-sized t-rex. Or a metal full-sized oil rig. Or a metal version of this store filled with metal pillows and metal dog toys and metal wicker baskets.” Then the clerk just sort of looked at me like, “My God, she’s right.” Victor said his look was more like, “Holy shit, I’m going to have price these fuckers even more. Someone get me a sharpie so I can add a few zeros.”
So, no, I haven’t bought Geraldo yet, but I did invest in a bag of defective unicorns and Victor was all “You just LEAK money” but I pointed out that these unicorns are like 90 cents each. You can’t even buy a coke for 90 cents and these are magical unicorns. Victor pointed out that they’re broken unicorns, but I’m pretty sure I’m proof that you can be broken and magical all at the same time.
Victor couldn’t argue with that, but he did say I’m not allowed to call anything I buy “an investment” anymore. We’re agreeing to disagree on that one.
