And that’s why you should learn to pick your battles.

June 21, 2011

in Random crap

This morning I had a fight with Victor about towels. I can’t tell you the details because it wasn’t interesting enough to document at the time, but it was basically me telling Victor I needed to buy new bath towels, and Victor insisting that I NOT buy towels because I “just bought new towels“. Then I pointed out that the last towels I’d bought were hot pink beach towels, and he was all “EXACTLY” and then I hit my head against the wall for an hour.

Then Laura came to pick me up so we could go to the discount outlet together, and as Victor gave me a kiss goodbye he lovingly whispered, “You are not allowed to bring any more goddam towels in this house or I will strangle you“.   And that was exactly what I was still echoing through my head an hour later, when Laura and I stopped our shopping carts and stared up in confused, silent awe at a display of enormous metal chickens, made from rusted oil drums.

Laura:  I think you need one of those.

me:  You’re joking, but they’re kind of horrifically awesome.

Laura: I’m not joking. We need to buy you one.

me:  The 5-foot tall one was $300, marked down to $100.  That’s like, $200 worth of chicken for free.

Laura:  You’d be crazy not to buy that.  I mean, look at it. IT’S FULL OF WHIMSY.

me:  Victor’d be pissed.

Laura:  Yup.

me:  But on the plus side?  It’s not towels.

Laura:  Yup.

me:  We will name him Henry.  Or Charlie.  Or O’Shannesy.

Laura:  Or Beyoncé.

me:  Or Beyoncé. Yes.  And when our friends are sad we can leave him at their front door to cheer them up.

Laura:  Exactly. It’ll be like, “You thought *yesterday* was bad?  Well, now you have a enormous metal chicken to deal with.  Perspective.  Now you have it.”

Then we flagged down a salesman, and we were all “What can you tell us about these chickens?”, as if we were in an art gallery, and not in a store that specializes in last years’ bathmats.  He didn’t know anything about them, but he said that they’d only only sold one and it was to a really drunk lady, and then Laura and I were all “SOLD.  All this chicken belongs to us now.”

Insert-inappropriate-cock-joke-here.

So he loaded it onto a trolley, but Beyoncé was surprisingly unstable, and the giant 5 foot metal chicken crashed over onto the floor.  And Laura and I were all “CHICKEN DOWN!  CLEAN-UP IN AISLE 3″ but he didn’t laugh.  Then the manager came to see what was causing all the commotion, and that’s when he found the very-conservative salesman unhappily struggling to right an enthusiastically pointy chicken which was almost as tall as he was.  The salesman was having a hard time, and he told everyone to stand back “because this chicken will cut you“, and at first I thought he meant it as a threat, like “That chicken has a shiv”, but turns out he just meant that all the chickens’ ends were sharp and rusty.  It was awesome, and Laura and I agreed that even if we got tetanus, this chicken had already paid for himself even before we got it in her truck.

Then we got to my house and quietly snuck the chicken up to my front door, rang the doorbell, and hid around the corner.

Knock-knock, motherfucker.

Victor opened the door and looked at the chicken in stunned silence for about 3 seconds.  Then he sighed, closed the door and walked away.

Laura:  What the fuck?  That’s it?  That’s the only reaction we get?

me:  That’s it. He’s a hard man to rattle.

Victor was surprisingly pissed that I’d “wasted money” on an enormous chicken, because apparently he couldn’t appreciate the hysterical value of a 5 foot chicken ringing the doorbell.  Then I said, “Well, at least it’s not towels” and apparently that was the wrong thing to say because that’s when Victor screamed and stormed off, but I knew he was locked in his office because I could hear him punching things in there.  Then I yelled through his door, “It’s an anniversary gift for you, asshole.  Two whole weeks early.  15 YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS.”

Then he yelled that he wanted it gone, but I couldn’t move it myself, so instead I said okay and went to watch tv.  Then when the UPS guy came I hid, but he was all “Dude.  Nice chicken” and Victor yelled, “IT IS NOT A NICE CHICKEN”.  Which was probably very confusing to the UPS guy, who was just trying to be polite, Victor. Victor seemed more disgruntled than usual, so I finally dragged the chicken into the backyard and wedged it into a clump of trees so that it could scare the snakes away.  Then I came in and Victor angrily pulled me into his office so that I could see that I’d stationed Beyoncé directly in front of his only window.  And I was all “Exactly. YOU’RE WELCOME.”  I told him that he could move Beyoncé if he wanted to, but he totally hasn’t.  Probably because of all of the giant rocks I piled on Beyonce’s feet to dissuade burglars.  Or possibly because Beyoncé is growing on him.  Still, I can’t help but think that we wouldn’t even be having this argument if Beyoncé was towels.  Honestly, this whole chicken is really a lesson in picking your battles more carefully.  Plus, he’s awesome and I can’t stop giggling every time I look at him.  Beyoncé, that is.

Best. 15th anniversary. ever.

UPDATED 2012: It’s been half a year and people still continue to laugh, scream indignantly and to ask questions, so here are a few follow-ups.  Victor and I are still (of course) happily married and after a few weeks he got over his giant rooster aversion.  Beyonce stares at him from outside his office window.  I eventually got new towels.  ”Knock-knock, motherfucker” is embroidered on all of them.  Victor was not impressed.  Beyonce-the-giant-metal-chicken now has her own Facebook page with over 30,000 highly imaginative fans, and you can buy your own travel-sized Beyonce right here for under $20.  You’re welcome world.  Now please stop yelling at me.

{ 4 trackbacks }

Stuff I Starred Sunday – Beacuse I Really, Really Care « LucidLotusLife
June 26, 2011 at 4:14 pm
“You know you’ll have that forever, right?” | laurenlundy
August 9, 2011 at 9:17 pm
Introducing The Adventures of Persephone: Queen of the Cutting Chickens « bmusing
August 15, 2011 at 7:53 am
Man Cave. Mantuary. Man Space. « littlecrazyhome
January 23, 2012 at 9:27 am

{ 3762 comments… read them below or add one }

1 katesaysstuff June 21, 2011 at 12:37 am

Gold.

This is what my life has been missing. A 5 foot chicken.
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2 Starrynite June 21, 2011 at 12:38 am

That is possibly the best purchase anyone has made ever. You would think Victor would be grateful Beyonce wasn’t towels – of the hot pink variety or otherwise. I feel like I NEED to go shopping with you because that chicken was A BARGAIN!! Keep up the good work.
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3 edenland June 21, 2011 at 12:38 am

Bok BOK, motherfucker!
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4 Sheila (@stinginthetail) June 21, 2011 at 12:38 am

i am just laughing, thinking of the salesman – bless u Jen, i needed a giant metal chicken in my life :D
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5 Leila (Don't Speak Whinese) June 21, 2011 at 12:39 am

I seriously laughed out loud to the caption “Knock knock motherfucker” hahaha

And Victor was right… it isn’t a nice chicken. It’s a nice cock ;)
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6 Sarah Elizabeth June 21, 2011 at 12:40 am

Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. You really, seriously and for real, need to be my best friend. I would love to have chicken adventures with you. But, alas, we are miles away. Ah, unrequited love.

Victor just doesn’t understand the dire need to have chickens in your life. But I do.
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7 Tam June 21, 2011 at 12:40 am

Insomnia be damned – This is frigging hilarious.

I want me a big metal chicken.

8 Ashleigh June 21, 2011 at 12:41 am

By the time I post this there will be comments, but this is literally the firs ttime I’ve ever seen a post of yours with no comments… Also, Dude. nice chicken.

9 Mandie June 21, 2011 at 12:41 am

I want to choke your chicken.

10 Laynie June 21, 2011 at 12:41 am

OMG, I love this. Poor Victor… I can’t blame him for stressing, but OMG GIANT CHICKEN!!! I seriously think I’d have been tempted too!!
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11 Mandie June 21, 2011 at 12:42 am

Or… I guess, I want to choke *Victor’s* chicken…

12 Elise June 21, 2011 at 12:44 am

Oh. My. Lord. I need a friend like you who encourages this kind of behavior. Because that is AMAZING!
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13 Crash June 21, 2011 at 12:45 am

Oh..my…god. I just laughed so hard I cried! I want a metal chicken that is as tall as me!!

14 Toia June 21, 2011 at 12:45 am

I don’t know if it’s because of the insomnia or the fact I have had a migraine all day or if that was the best story ever but I laughed my ass off. I’m sending my mother this link to with a note saying “Why I am not married” because you really have to build up to that kind of amazingness and I would start it on day one. I also want to know where you that chicken cuz my birthday is next month.

15 Marian June 21, 2011 at 12:46 am

Sigh. New Zealanders are basically drunk insomniacs. I would SO buy a 5 foot chicken for $100. You should drag him into your room next.

16 Elizabeth June 21, 2011 at 12:46 am

Fucking awesome! Victor is a crabby chicken. Totally best anniversary gift ever!

17 Krystina / lollipops June 21, 2011 at 12:47 am

Laughing. Out. Loud.

18 2bkate June 21, 2011 at 12:47 am

I’m emailing this to my husband as a warning the next time he tells me not to buy something… so fucking hilarious!

19 Mommy's Minions (@MommysMinions) June 21, 2011 at 12:48 am

Your post had me laughing out loud. I would do something like this, but probably only have the guts to purchase (and install at home) a 3-foot chicken of revenge. You ROCK. (Can we go shopping?)
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20 Satan June 21, 2011 at 12:48 am

and my boyfriend thought i was bad when i bought a shit ton of barbies, with which to make pervy lesbian comics with… see, i told him he was overreacting.
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21 Brandon Smith June 21, 2011 at 12:49 am

Ok, I ran across your blog from one Ms. AngryJulie on Twitter and holy crap I’m in love with you. Actually, I’m totally sending this post to my own hubby so that when I come home with some piece of randomness (earlier this year it was pillows) I can look to him and say, at least it wasn’t a five-foot tall chicken. That should settle that battle. Love.
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22 Rae June 21, 2011 at 12:51 am

This might be the most awesome blog entry ever. Even if there are no zombies included. Not yet.

23 Barbara June 21, 2011 at 12:52 am

Damn. First the tequila gun, and now a five foot chicken. If they have any left, I’m driving to Texas right now. It will make up for the lack of baby pygmy goats in my yard. After you shared the video, and I watched it 5000 times, I decided to get some because they’d keep the lawn clipped, and look absolutely adorable doing it, but no, husband said we couldn’t get them because of “ordinances” or “covenants” or something, so at the very least I should be able to get a five foot chicken. I deserve it.
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24 Monica June 21, 2011 at 12:52 am

Was it Home Goods? This looks like a Home Goods purchase.

(It was TOTALLY Home Goods. ~ Jenny)

25 Christian June 21, 2011 at 12:52 am

Aaaaaw, c’mon, Victor, everybody needs a little cock in their lives! Or a big fuckin’ chicken. Seriously? I love you. I wouldve just bought towels. A five foot cock is much more effective. *nodding appreciatively*

26 pamela June 21, 2011 at 12:54 am

so I’m feeling down…

come plant that chicken in my front door window.
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27 Christine June 21, 2011 at 12:54 am

Oh. My. Fucking. God. Giant chicken. This is the single greatest thing I have seen in at least the last half hour, and I’ve seen some weird shit tonight. This whole post is the argument for why insomnia is sometimes awesome (even if it’s mostly an asshole).

28 Eric June 21, 2011 at 12:55 am

I really feel like the only thing you can do is add red LED lights where the eyes are located, then wheel that thing next to the sleeping form of your husband. Then you play some loud-ass, hopefully creepily metallic and not at all realistic chicken sounds (which you’ll have to purchase, of course) to awaken him. That can be on the actual anniversary, and he’ll finally realize the value of the sharp, rusty, five foot tall, $300 chicken.

29 BadGuyZero June 21, 2011 at 12:55 am

Where did you acquire that metal monstrosity? I ask because my parents (well…it was Mom’s doing) have a rooster motif in their kitchen and I think a giant metal rooster that gives love AND lockjaw is what’s missing.

Also, I am neither drunk nor suffering from insomnia so I hope it’s ok that I read this.

30 Andrea June 21, 2011 at 12:56 am

I am silently laughing with tears rolling down my cheeks, trying not to wake up the people who are actually sleeping right now. I never knew I needed a big metal chicken until now. I may love Beyonce more than James Garfield, and that’s saying a lot.

31 Kristen Howerton June 21, 2011 at 12:56 am

I really can’t get over the size of that cock.

PS I wonder if we are anniversary twinsies? July 13th, 1996?

(July 4, 1996 ~ Jenny)

32 Veronica June 21, 2011 at 12:57 am

You have got no idea how bad I want a huge metal chicken. Even more than I wanted the real ones I have. But, my real ones are not 5ft tall, so they’re really failures.

Did they have ducks as well?
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33 amylynnbright June 21, 2011 at 12:57 am

Perhaps if you covered the chicken in towels????

34 Lisa June 21, 2011 at 12:57 am

How is it that I have never felt the urge to buy a chicken the same height as menuntil this moment? If you ask me Victor is going to end up loving it. In about a couple of months you should offer to get rid of it and watch him squirm as his pride and love for Beyonce battle out internally. It’ll be at that moment you will know you’ve won.
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35 Tracey June 21, 2011 at 12:59 am

Fantastic purchase. You just can’t pass up $200 worth of free chicken! Victor will come around. He just can’t argue that logic!

I haven’t laughed so hard in such a long time. Brought tears to my eyes. Although my hubby seems to think it’s because I am currently sleep deprived and have hit the silly spot where everything seems hilarious. He just doesn’t get how funny a big metal chick ringing a door bell is! Men.
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36 Virginia June 21, 2011 at 1:00 am

That chicken would make a hell of a towel rack.

37 Karen June 21, 2011 at 1:01 am

I usually hate birds, but this one is an exception.

38 Walkingborder (Karen) June 21, 2011 at 1:05 am

LMAO
Also, how is it possible to have this many comments this fast after posting, this late at night?
Are all your readers insomniatic drunks?
Wait, don’t answer that.

(For the record, I’m not currently drunk. I’m just an insomniatic pregnant lady who can’t get comfy enough to sleep in her third trimester.)

39 Justine June 21, 2011 at 1:05 am

I am seriously disturbed by the number of parallels between your story and my experience in grad school.

1. Ridiculous quantity of money spent
2. My adviser frequently threatened to cut people. In the shiv kind of way.
3. No one appreciated the hilarity of my practical jokes.
4. I spent entirely too much time around poultry, including chickens AND turkeys.
5. At least one fellow student had hair like the comb on your metal chicken.
6. Long suffering husband.

40 Kay Bee June 21, 2011 at 1:08 am

My. What a nice cock you have there.
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41 shayna June 21, 2011 at 1:11 am

I am very glad you decided to post this, because it spawned a conversation with my husband that ended with me making this statement:

“I will NOT be sitting at home like some kind of idiot asshole while you go gallivanting around at reach-around diners.”

42 Cassie June 21, 2011 at 1:18 am

That looks *exactly* like something I would ironically fall in love with (that my husband also wouldn’t understand) like Modern Art or WIlliam Shatner. Never change. Hey! Maybe we could all send you one new, random towel. Then you can have towel and Victor can’t get mad cuz you didn’t actually buy them. But imagine his face when he discovered your stockpile of towel. Imaginarily priceless.
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43 NotBlessedMama June 21, 2011 at 1:22 am

I wish I lived close to you, so when I was feeling down you’d always be there to give me a giant metal cock.

44 Walkingborder (Karen) June 21, 2011 at 1:23 am

@#41 – Cassie
Now see, I was just going to suggest that we all send her a dollar so that Victor could no longer be mad about the chicken because WE paid for it, not Jenny. And well, the story about the chicken is WELL worth the dollar.

That said, I’m willing to send a dollar AND a towel.

45 sophie June 21, 2011 at 1:33 am

It kinda makes me sad that I am divorced and cannot put a giant, shiv wielding cock at the front door–ring the bell and run and hide while my husband answers the door. The fact that a huge metal chicken can make me regret my marital status is frightening. That is one of the most AWESOME uses of $100 not spent on towels I have ever seen!

46 Andrea June 21, 2011 at 1:38 am

Also, I think Victor is just secretly jealous because no anniversary gift he buys you could possibly top a 5-foot chicken. Don’t hate, Victor.

And, my mom and step-dad’s 25th anniversary is July 4th. Mom says he picked it so he wouldn’t screw up and forget their anniversary. The kids still forget it sometimes though, but I blame the distraction of fireworks.

47 LOLing in dorms June 21, 2011 at 2:03 am

I laughed out loud in my dorm when I read this part:
“Then I came in and Victor angrily pulled me into his office so that I could see that I’d stationed Beyonce directly in front of his only window. And I was all “Exactly. YOU’RE WELCOME.” ”

and because our walls are paper thin my jackass neighbour kept knocking on the wall…….hahahahhahaha

48 wagthedad June 21, 2011 at 2:07 am

This is hilarious. Poor Victor, though. I can imagine he’s got so much funny going on in his life he just doesn’t know what to do with himself. He reminds me of my third roommate in college, who my other roommate and I accidentally made cry. I can’t remember what we had done, but it was funny and roomie #3 just wasn’t playing ball.

So be careful and don’t make Victor cry, OK?

49 neers June 21, 2011 at 2:11 am

i would take a trip around the world for that chicken… and you!

“hi victor!”
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50 Jo Kinder June 21, 2011 at 2:14 am

I was at the end of a very shitty day (hubby can’t fly home tonight because of the stoopid volcano ash cloud), but this post has made my day…. quite likely my week (its only Tuesday) and possible my month.
That is so fucking funny I have been crying tears of laughter for 10 minutes already. I had to walk away twice because I couldn’t breath in between the fits of laughter….. omfg… I am coming back here more often!!
Thanks soooo much for the laugh <3

51 KYouell June 21, 2011 at 2:30 am

Put me down for $1 and a towel and also that I love a doorbell-ringing cock.

52 Thiefree June 21, 2011 at 2:49 am

I have to say, my sympathy’s with Victor on this one. He has had to be very understanding of these purchases. James Garfield was pushing it, I think maybe Beyoncé should go back…

53 Jools June 21, 2011 at 3:16 am

I love you, woman. I truly do.
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54 Louise June 21, 2011 at 3:20 am

aawwww man this links PERFECTLY with my latest blog post! Oh and I think Victor is amazing for not strangling you. Maybe you should make some Beyonce Chicken cards to sell to negate the money spent on said metallic fowl. It worked for James Garfield did it not?
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55 Pipi June 21, 2011 at 3:28 am

I can’t stop laughing and can’t remember the last time I laughed this hard! I’m not sleeping tonight and am now glad for it! You’re are Awesome Jenny! Don’t ever forget that!

56 Jenrose June 21, 2011 at 3:45 am

Please make t-shirts and cards with pictures of that chicken and “insert cock joke here” on them…. Bet the chicken turns a profit.

57 Lynn from For Love or Funny June 21, 2011 at 3:46 am

I can’t wait until the metal chicken starts to lay eggs.
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58 Kim June 21, 2011 at 3:47 am

This post is good for people with insomnia And people who have been camping and therefore felt crap. That’s a *double* win (which is a bit like a double rainbow, only with less crying and more Charlie Brooker…)
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59 Cymphony June 21, 2011 at 3:47 am

Ok so that is the funniest shit I have read in a while…needed that laugh Jenny. Omg; I want one! Definitely not chicken little…lol

60 William June 21, 2011 at 4:07 am

Here they come to snuff the rooster-
You know he ain’t gonna die.

Alice in Chains.

61 Sahara Desert June 21, 2011 at 4:12 am

Crying. With. Laughter. This is seriously hysterical.

I hope you’ll be glad to know your humour is going down brilliantly in my little part of the world, the original Hampshire. :-D
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62 Alex Hughes June 21, 2011 at 4:23 am

AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I cried!! And cried!! And the kids wanted to know why I was laughing and crying all at the same time. I let them read it………………….but they didn’t get it! Maybe when they have been married for 14+ years they will get it. Or maybe not as they are all males. I get it, and I love it. Thank you for sharing.

63 craig @09thehippy June 21, 2011 at 4:27 am

On one hand I am really worried for you because you’re not sleeping. On the other hand you are seriously fucking funny when drunk, high or sleep deprived. So I’m conflicted here. It’s like I’m laughing at your insomnia. Or because of it. I can’t be sure. See my dilemma.

PS. Did you find any more info on citronella and valilla essence as a scorpion repellant?

64 JDaniel4's Mom June 21, 2011 at 4:36 am

I bet they were excited to see the chicken go to a loving home.

65 Sandra (a.k.a. Sandrandan) June 21, 2011 at 4:37 am

I NEED a giant chicken in my yard!!!!!!!!

66 Jenna June 21, 2011 at 4:54 am

bahahaha this is hilarious! And also, a really great gift idea for my mother. No joke. She would die for this. Where did you get it?

Jenna
momofmanyhats.blogspot.com
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67 Serge Norguard June 21, 2011 at 5:06 am

I choked on how big that cock was and so did my significant other who whimsically said why wasn’t mine as big as that.

My manhood is at -1000 XP

68 Ash June 21, 2011 at 5:06 am

I laughed sooooooooo hard! Poor Victor. Poor Beyonce. Poor sleep deprived Jenny.

69 linda June 21, 2011 at 5:10 am

OMG THIS STORY IS SO AWESOME. I love this. :D
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70 Mr Farty June 21, 2011 at 5:11 am

At least you have chicken.

Happy anniversary to both of you.
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71 Vanessa'sOldGoat June 21, 2011 at 5:15 am

my baby and I saw chickens, pigs and frogs at H.E.B. on Saturday, which one of those would look good on Mindy’s front lawn?

72 Amy @ A Little Nosh June 21, 2011 at 5:17 am

Jenny, I’ve been reading your blog for years and I don’t remember ever laughing as hard as I did with this post. When I scrolled down to the picture of the chicken in front of the door, my coffee almost came out of my nose. Which sort of hurts.
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73 Kelly June 21, 2011 at 5:18 am

Dang, I with the fights I have with my husband were half as interesting as the ones you have with Victor. On the bright side, we’ll be having our 15th anniversary in a year and a half, so I’ll be on the look out for a large metal chicken. Hmmm. Except I’m in decluttering mode and there isn’t room in his man-cave and we don’t have a back hard (though it would look mighty fine in the front yard, except — despite the size — I’m concert the the neighborhood hooligans would wander off with it)… maybe I’ll try to find him a small, desk-sized metal chicken. It’s a good thing I have a year and a half to find it.
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74 Marinka June 21, 2011 at 5:28 am

I think I see the problem. Fifteen years is Big Metal Chickens and you got him a Big Metal Rooster. Awkward.

You may have to take him through gender reassignment. And by him, I mean the rooster.
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75 Meg June 21, 2011 at 5:36 am

You are so brilliant! You totally win that battle. Giant Chicken Beyonce rules…seriously you gave Victor such a practical gift.

76 Leanna June 21, 2011 at 5:36 am

I officially want a giant metal chicken. Too funny!!
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77 Beckles June 21, 2011 at 5:36 am

That’s beyond amazing. I almost choked on my cereal like 3 times.
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78 Kathy June 21, 2011 at 5:36 am

“Knock, knock, motherfucker.” Best picture and caption ever in the history of ever. Ever.
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79 Evil_Cat_Grrl June 21, 2011 at 5:37 am

That chicken is glorious. I can think of several people in my life who definitely need one.
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80 Annadanna (from Canada) June 21, 2011 at 5:38 am

You are a genius and I love you. Thank you for the chicken-at-the-front-door photo. I have not laughed that hard since you took a picture of your parents back yard.

Also, i think you could use Beyonce as a towel holder, if you wanted.
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81 Koockie June 21, 2011 at 5:40 am

Best part of my morning, reading about Beyonce!!!!!!!
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82 carrie June 21, 2011 at 5:47 am

that is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. thank you!!!

{and happy 15th}
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83 Angela@BeggingTheAnswer June 21, 2011 at 5:48 am

WANT. I’d use it as a chicken decoy, to draw REAL chickens to my front yard. But only because I appreciate nature. And dinner. Because I’m capable of killing two birds with one stone, both figuratively and literally, I think.
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84 Hamlets mistress June 21, 2011 at 5:50 am

someday victor will learn to be more specific
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85 Kim June 21, 2011 at 5:51 am

Oh my god, I wish we were BFFs and we went shopping together like every single day and bought stuff because it’d be awesome. I have a habit of buying things simply because they are hilarious. It’s why I have a ~1 ft tall colorful chicken in my kitchen.

Also, for Christmas my mom got me a wooden box full of tea. With a cock on it. She said she spent the longest time trying to find some sort of assortment of tea without a rooster so that she would not have to deal with me announcing that I had received a cock box all day long.

Victor should be happy that you didn’t put your mighty cock behind the couch so that anyone who sat back was in danger of being pecked in the head.

86 Ninja Mike June 21, 2011 at 5:51 am

This was nothing short of the funniest fucking thing I’ve read all week… maybe all month. “That’s $200 worth of chicken for free!” Just when I think I should stop paying attention to you, you send me this and totally redeem yourself. Once again, glad to be following.
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87 cagey June 21, 2011 at 5:51 am

Happy anniversary! We’re celebrating 8 years today.

I would love to have a goddamned cock lawn ornament, but I worry that my king cobra lawn ornament would want to eat it (can you see the headlines? The snake eats the cock??) Besides, the lawn gnomes are already stressed out as it is.

Yes, our neighbors LOVE US.
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88 Barbara June 21, 2011 at 5:54 am

It kind of looks like the good luck chickens they make in Portugal, only giant sized. If Victor tries to get rid of it, tell him he’ll have bad luck for years. Happy 15th anniversary!

89 Corri C June 21, 2011 at 5:54 am

15 is the giant metal chicken year?! Where am I going to find another giant metal chicken?!

Happy Anniversary. 15 is awesome.

90 Just A. Reader June 21, 2011 at 5:56 am

Victor DOES know what a lucky man he is, right? Nobody else I know gets life lessons like this on such a regular basis.

91 k-dawg June 21, 2011 at 5:58 am

I am in desperate need of a giant metal chicken! This is great!! :)

92 Catherine June 21, 2011 at 6:05 am

Wow! My 15th anniversary is next week, and I had no idea that the 15th is Big Metal Chickens! Once again, your blog is both timely and informative! My husband will be so pleased.

93 Vinobaby June 21, 2011 at 6:11 am

You know, maybe he hates it not just for it’s aesthetic value an utter impracticality. No every man wants to be given a giant cock as an Anniversary gift. Subliminal messages are messing with him, telling him he doesn’t measure up… But then again, you can flip that right around and say it is in honor of 15 years of enjoying his “big chicken.” Cheers. VB
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94 Becky June 21, 2011 at 6:15 am

Oh. My. God. It may be because I haven’t slept more than 2 hours in a row for the last 9 months, but that was the funniest thing I’ve read in, well, forever. Thank you. And tell Victor thanks, too, for hating towles so much.

95 Angelique June 21, 2011 at 6:19 am

OMG. Truly in hysterics over here. Like I had to wait for my breathing to get to seminormal before I attempted typing. I think the best thing for me is that in my pre-caffeinated haze, I didn’t fully take in the size of the chicken, even in the photo in the store, I thought it might have just been a chicken head. But then I got to the photo of the chicken at your door and could not control the laughter as I finally took in the spectacle of what $300 of chicken looks like.
Happy anniversary to you and welcome to the family to Beyoncé.
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96 thehaughtylibrarian June 21, 2011 at 6:25 am

I just laughed so hard that I snorted.

97 Phoenix Talon June 21, 2011 at 6:25 am

Now I want one! :D
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98 MeriLizzie June 21, 2011 at 6:26 am

OMG! I just laughed so hard in the coffee shop the coffee guy asked me what I was laughing at!
Suzanne

99 nicole June 21, 2011 at 6:29 am

I love this. Still laughing very hard! Bringing home a metal chicken in lieu of towels was def not what a husband would expect. God I love this post. You are flippin’ awesome!

100 MidLyfeMama June 21, 2011 at 6:32 am

Giant metal chicken joy. That is what you have done.

101 Kelly June 21, 2011 at 6:44 am

I want you to know that I plan on quietly saying, “Knock-knock, motherfucker.” To EVERYONE I see today. Everyone.

You just made today worth it.
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102 Jamie Lynn June 21, 2011 at 6:46 am

Now I need a 5 foot cock.

103 Karen June 21, 2011 at 6:48 am

I can’t wait to get to 15 years so I can get a Big Metal Chicken for my anniversary! And I so LOVE that you named him Beyonce….that is fuckin awesome! You so made my migraine better this morning.

Knock knock motherfucker
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104 Trina Stewart June 21, 2011 at 6:53 am

That was awesome! Loved the story. Hope it’s growing on your hubby as each day passes.
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105 Tracey June 21, 2011 at 6:56 am

I have tears streaming down my face. This is the greatest chicken story in the story of chickens. Beyonce is Legend! Love!

106 Paula schuck June 21, 2011 at 6:57 am

I am lmao at you two in the store causing a commotion. It is awesome that yu have a friend equally crazy enough to see the value in this amazing piece of art.
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107 Ya June 21, 2011 at 7:07 am

Wow $300 to spite your husband? You are retarted.

108 Meg June 21, 2011 at 7:11 am

And all this time I’ve thought my $5 (on clearance–originally $20) peacock was impressive. Now I know better.

109 Anna June 21, 2011 at 7:13 am

I think it’s safe to say that Victor has learned a lesson here. Well, we hope anyway.
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110 Les June 21, 2011 at 7:14 am

This is an amazing story. But man, that chicken is hideous.
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111 SarcasminAction June 21, 2011 at 7:16 am

Oh. My. God. That is awesome.
Make a tshirt about this, stat.
I will buy it.
Because I will NOT buy a chicken like that.
Damn stores around here aren’t carrying any.
Assholes.
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112 Jess June 21, 2011 at 7:22 am

Goddamn right! That is one of the best chicken purchases I have ever seen! I would spend $100 on that in the drop of a chicken beak! Think of the uses!
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113 John B June 21, 2011 at 7:23 am

Isn’t that a rooster?! I think this post would have been lots funnier if you said ‘cock’ more. I mean, it’s hilarious, but that would have brought Beyonce to a whole other level.
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114 Susan June 21, 2011 at 7:24 am

Did they have any giant flamingos? I would totally drive to Texas and rent a Uhaul if the had 5 foot metal flamingos.

115 M.Amanda June 21, 2011 at 7:28 am

I can see my husband buying that just so he could say to people, “Hey, wanna see my 5 foot cock?” But he’d have been just as happy with towels since we ALWAYS seem to be short on towels.

116 Cat June 21, 2011 at 7:32 am

Am I the only one who wants to see what kind of fucked up, sharp-ass eggs that cock would sire?

117 Jonah Gibson June 21, 2011 at 7:34 am

I didn’t realize until just now that anniversaries are competitive events, and that, if you do them correctly, there should be a clear winner. My wife will be so happy that, after 30 years, I will finally get this right. Can you do birthdays the same way. Mine’s coming up, and I NEED one of those chickens.
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118 Dawn K. June 21, 2011 at 7:35 am

Put me down for sending you a towel in the mail. Maybe I’ll even do an iron-on transfer of a chicken. You know, to coordinate with Beyonce.

119 Stimey June 21, 2011 at 7:36 am

What disgruntled employee at what failing company came up with the idea for that chicken do you think?

That said, brava.
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120 Zippy June 21, 2011 at 7:39 am

Victor needs to get over it. I mean, it could be worse – you could have bought him 2 giant metal balls like we have near the Main Building at the University of Texas, passing as “art.” Course, the theme *is* similar — giant balls, giant cock . . . interesting.

(And I would totally donate a dollar towards the cause to help Victor feel better about your purchase).

121 Sara June 21, 2011 at 7:39 am

AWESOME. I’m still astonished that a 5 foot metal decorative chicken is an item for sale in a store anywhere….I want to know who’s buying these for non-hilarious purposes.

122 Jonah Gibson June 21, 2011 at 7:39 am

BTW…hilarious post. I’m still giggling, and I’m not a giggler. Thanks. I needed that.
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123 Barleygold June 21, 2011 at 7:40 am

LMFOA!!! At work in open-plan office!! Not good!!

Also, have sent link to husband for training purposes. Be thankful we have towels, young man, and no 5ft metal chickens. (Is it just me or does Beyonce remind you of the Wallace and Gromit penguin with a washing up glove on its head? Sinister.)

124 Sarah Peduzzi June 21, 2011 at 7:42 am

I think I’m in love with the chicken! This is hysterical! Oh and Happy Early Anniversary. :)
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125 rachel June 21, 2011 at 7:43 am

Love it!!! I have a 3 foot chicken that is very similar. His name is Henry and he is perched on top of our fridge and looks down at us. I like to think he’s watching over us and protecting us.
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126 pattypunker June 21, 2011 at 7:46 am

size does matter. enormous is always better.
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127 The Escrow Goddess June 21, 2011 at 7:46 am

This is the best shopping adventure ever! You rock!
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128 Irishmama June 21, 2011 at 7:48 am

I can’t breathe!

I love how you have the big rock on the chickens feet to hold him in place, so that he can’t run in the house and mix it up with James Garfield.

129 carolyn June 21, 2011 at 7:49 am

I am totally filing this little tidbit away for when my husband won’t let me buy something I want. I just hope it’s around our anniversary.

And I already have picked out my own chicken. But it’s a suit of armor from Garden Ridge. I might get two. One in gold and one in silver. Because I’m kind of fickle. And I think I’ll name the gold one Benoit, and the silver one Ray.

Thanks for the shopping tip. Can’t wait to use it.

C-
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130 Connie June 21, 2011 at 7:53 am

I read you all the time and find you hilarious. But this takes the cake.

Totally the best chicken story I’ve ever heard, and that includes all the reasons I’ve heard it crossed the road.

131 Ms. Pants June 21, 2011 at 7:53 am

I bloody adore you, woman.

Though technically, Beyonce is a rooster. So perhaps Victor is offended that you bought him a giant metal cock for your anniversary?

Anyway, nice cock, dude. All the single chickens, all the single chickens…..now put yer beaks up, beaks up…..
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132 Rachel June 21, 2011 at 7:55 am

Thank you, I’ve never laughed so hard, like ever, plus I’m deep in the throes of PMS-depression, but I now believe that husband-aggravating giant chickens may be the long sought after cure for that affliction…Also, Please tell Victor I’m laughing WITH him not AT him every time I visualize that damn chicken just standing there, being NOT TOWELS, and staring blankly into his window

133 The Six-Fingered Monkey June 21, 2011 at 7:56 am

Priceless! I want me one.
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134 pinatasgotthebat June 21, 2011 at 8:03 am

Did James Garfield teach Victor nothing? Just wait. Come Holiday season, when Beyonce joins The Bloggess League of Unlikely Saints, and starts performing miracles and shit, Victor will change his tune. Unless he *wants* children to go without food and toys?

135 Dangerboy June 21, 2011 at 8:05 am

That is one fantastic cock. I don’t know how Victor managed not to totally lose his shit laughing all over the place. Completely fantastic.
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136 SungaiKecil June 21, 2011 at 8:08 am

I seriously can’t stop laughing. I laughed so hard I woke my kids up.
*best*

137 Anna June 21, 2011 at 8:08 am

What man wouldn’t appreciate a GIANT METAL CHICKEN!?

Oh, I asked my husband. Apparently none.

Why do we keep them around again?

138 mrtl June 21, 2011 at 8:09 am

Return it for not being able to stand, get discounted more, and buy towels with the free money. Thrifty is sexy, so he’ll appreciate that! However could he compete with this gift?! He couldn’t.
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139 Mandy Fish June 21, 2011 at 8:13 am

Moral of the story: Men are threatened by large cocks?
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140 hello haha narf June 21, 2011 at 8:15 am

nothing says happy anniversary like big cock!

p.s. every time i think of “knock – knock, motherfucker” i crack up. i so needed this today. xoxo

141 judy June 21, 2011 at 8:26 am

from now on, every towel you buy should have a chicken on it . . . . .

142 Jay Lee June 21, 2011 at 8:29 am

You have given new meaning to the term “Cock-blocker”
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143 Samantha June 21, 2011 at 8:32 am

Loved the Knock Knock Motherfucker, I just about died laughing at this comment…

“Bok Bok Motherfucker”

144 Robin June 21, 2011 at 8:33 am

Jenny, Jenny, Jenny,

I could have so used a 5′ cock on my door step this morning. Thank you for being the ward of unwanted animal bizarrities. I needed this chicken story this morning.

-robin sans giant chicken

145 Xander June 21, 2011 at 8:34 am

My did almost the same thing. They were at Burlington and saw this two ducks. They had been marked down from from a lot to $12.50 each. So they bought them and they’ve lived in our backyard ever since. The employees were sad to see them go.
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146 MOG June 21, 2011 at 8:36 am

Husband and “co-worker at home guy” came into my office to find out what was making me laugh and choke and spit Diet Dr.Pepper out of my nose, wonderful. Thanks for the yucks.

147 Amanda June 21, 2011 at 8:39 am

I’m not going to lie.

I kind of hope that is exactly what I get for my 15th anniversary.

I wonder if they ship to Seattle.

148 Rhonda June 21, 2011 at 8:39 am

Jenny, I feel I should warn you about the following possibility: Leaving Beyonce in the woods outside is just asking for wasps to build nests in there. Which is fine if you never move him, but if Victor ever does decide to move him… that chicken will not only cut him, but also sting him unmercifully. Once a wasp built a nest right inside the door to my gas tank. Those Texas wasps are sneaky little things. You want to fill up your Jeep and then SURPRISE! an angry disoriented wasp flies out at you.

On the other hand, a giant metal chicken that shoots wasps at you sounds like just the sort of thing that you might enjoy. So, enjoy!

149 Lila June 21, 2011 at 8:40 am

Tell me where to send the dollar and a towel. Seriously. Tell me. Because I have not laughed so hard and for so long… I will totally help pay off that purchase. And lord knows, if there’s anything I love, it’s a huge…chicken.

150 Kendahl June 21, 2011 at 8:42 am

Aww, why can’t I ever find 5-foot-tall metal chickens on clearance for 1/3rd of the price? Jealous.

Oh, and that’s a HUGE COCK! Bwahaha I couldn’t help myself.
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151 ocelotlouise June 21, 2011 at 8:44 am

Can’t . Breathe. Laughing . So. Hard. Please please PLEASE do the t-shirts and the postcards.

152 Alicia June 21, 2011 at 8:49 am

Is it far too obvious for me to say “Victor is likely suffering from cock envy”?

153 Allyn June 21, 2011 at 8:51 am

That. Is. Awesome. Thinking about doing something like that to my fiance, just to go ahead and break him in.
Also, awesome, awesome friend. Good friends make friends buy ugly crazy crap.
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154 Ed Adams June 21, 2011 at 8:59 am

No wonder he’s pissed!

HE is supposed to be giving YOU a big cock for your anniversary. NOT the other way around.
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155 CaJoh June 21, 2011 at 9:00 am

I’ll have to remember that one. 15 years is Giant Metal Chickens… hmmm.
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156 Julia June 21, 2011 at 9:01 am

Seriously I am moving … we don’t have amazing cool shit here at all…. I want one…

Honestly I think that Victor is an asshole, because only assholes see the world of huge metal chickens in a bad way. The only thing that would make it better is to have it on your porch and install a sensor that when people walk by it says “Only knock if you have brass ones” Or something like that in the voice of “chicken hawk” … remember him???

157 Shelley June 21, 2011 at 9:02 am

First time blg reader here. I was only able to post after I wiped my eyes with a tissue. Freakin’ hysterical.

158 Ashley June 21, 2011 at 9:02 am

This story has made my morning! Love it so so much!!

159 Leslie June 21, 2011 at 9:13 am

I want a five foot chicken named Beyonce!

160 Summer June 21, 2011 at 9:13 am

You are my hero. I love that your sense of whimsy does not quail before a giant metal chicken. Thanks for making another happy spot on my mental landscape.
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161 Reverend June 21, 2011 at 9:14 am

You Wear A Disguise To Look Like Human Guys, But You’re Not A Man You’re A Chicken Booooooo…

162 Melinda June 21, 2011 at 9:17 am

That’s LMAO great! Totally worth $100. I love you have it watching him through the window. I bet he gets more work done with inspiration just a glance away.
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163 Cece June 21, 2011 at 9:22 am

“15 Years Is Big Metal Chickens” sounds like the perfect title for the pilot episode of the Jenny and Victor show. Maybe you should start writing it. He probably will forgive you (in time) if you became a big Hollywood writer AND you could buy him a bigger house with more bathrooms, more linen closets (for the towels), and room for the lawn art* collection.

*art is used loosely here…
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164 Rob June 21, 2011 at 9:22 am

Brilliant! Love It. My wife & I are reaching our 10th anniversary and I quite honestly feel as if we have the same relationship as you do here! Thanks for the ideas…pick your own battles!

165 A Vapid Blonde June 21, 2011 at 9:23 am

I so understand exactly how you feel. I once bought a very soft stuffed F.R.O.G that was plushy with blue and white flowers at a Mobil Mart because the letters stood for Fully Rely On God and I was drunk and it was like 3 am and how could I not buy a God F.R.O.G that was sending me spiritual messages at a gas station. But some how when I got in the car with my new shaman my husband picked a fight with me and told me I was bad with money and I was all like “DUDE, for like 2.99 I have been saved!!!”

He didn’t believe me. And now the F.R.O.G. sits in my underwear bin being a pervert.
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166 Jill P June 21, 2011 at 9:24 am

This post completely made my day! And the chicken standing at the front door = best photo ever! Happy Anniversary – Victor is a lucky man!

167 Rachael June 21, 2011 at 9:25 am

I am so, so glad that if I came home with that chicken, my boyfriend would be all THIS IS FUCKING AMAZING I LOVE YOU. And if I went to the store with him and we saw one, HE would be the one going RACHAEL WE NEED THIS. And I would say: “YEAH we do.” And we’d have a chicken. Where can I get a chicken?
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168 Nihilady June 21, 2011 at 9:28 am

You need to make Happy Anniversary cards from Beyonce now and sell them to help pay for her room & board. Then Victor can’t complain about how you much you spent b/c it was both an investment and you were giving a giant homeless Cock a yard to play in and a window thru which to watch Victor endlessly.

P.S. You should totally put some blinking L.E.D. lights in the eyes then wait till night to turn them on & off to scare the crap out of Victor.

169 Karen June 21, 2011 at 9:29 am

That is a damn nice chicken, I don’t care what Victor says.
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170 sydney June 21, 2011 at 9:31 am

OMG….frickin’ hilarious. My husband is also always bitching about towels. I’m on a mission now for a giant “chicken/cock”….lol

171 That Uncomfortable Itch June 21, 2011 at 9:36 am

Holy crapper, I needed a laugh! We are full of dying grandfathers and strokey dads around my dwelling. If we had an enormous metal chicken life would be better.
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172 Leigh June 21, 2011 at 9:36 am

We’ve only been married for nine years, but we’ve been together for fifteen. Does that count? Because I really, really need to get Mister W a giant metal chicken.
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173 Romana June 21, 2011 at 9:43 am

Tsk Tsk at Victor for exhibiting such Fowl behavior…

174 Lynn @ Walking With Scissors June 21, 2011 at 9:44 am

It’s posts like these that make me glad I’m all alone in the house. My husband tends to look at me funny when I laugh maniacally in front of the computer.
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175 Sarah June 21, 2011 at 9:44 am

When I have my 15th wedding anniversary in a few years, I want to go shopping with you. Seriously. I will find a way to transport you to Missouri, so that we can go shopping for something equally as awesome as a five foot rusty sharp chicken.
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176 Rosemarie Buchanan June 21, 2011 at 9:46 am

Ohhh goodness … I’m dyin’ over here on Vancouver Island! I think the hundred bucks you spent on Beyonce was just about the best thing you could have done. I’ll be laughing over this story for days.

;-)

177 Lexa June 21, 2011 at 9:47 am

If I had a giant metal chicken…my life would be complete. Especially if it was a freakin $300 quality chicken for the price of $100! I don’t know what’s wrong with the world if it had to go on sale! I’m honestly surprised it didn’t sell out in seconds! >.<
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178 Kristi June 21, 2011 at 9:49 am

I just had to come and tell you that I am in TEARS. I am laughing SO HARD. Awesome.
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179 SaraEllenAwesome June 21, 2011 at 9:51 am

I blogged about a giant metal chicken last week! but I didn’t buy him (or her, I admit, I am not sure) but I should have. he would look awesome in my cubicle. Giant metal chickens are the new black.

180 Lauren June 21, 2011 at 9:53 am

I’ve just been a lurker until now.
But seriously “Knock Knock Motherfucker.”
You made my day.

181 Brandy June 21, 2011 at 9:55 am

Victor: $100 worth of towels or $100 worth of chicken. Looks like you win…
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182 Random June 21, 2011 at 10:03 am

I sent this to my boyfriend. He felt the need to call and tell me “No chickens!!!” I feel like he knows me too well.
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183 Elizabeth B June 21, 2011 at 10:03 am

Victor obviously doesn’t appreciate good whimsy when he sees it.

184 Erik June 21, 2011 at 10:03 am

This story made me giggle inappropriately at work. You win. :)
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185 Daddio June 21, 2011 at 10:05 am

Sweet! and perfect, since it’s our 43rd anniversary today :)

186 Tracey June 21, 2011 at 10:06 am

This just made me laugh so hard I cried. I aspire to maybe being, one day, a vague reflection of your greatness. If only my budget would allow me a five foot tall metal chicken o_o

187 Linda June 21, 2011 at 10:11 am

I have the same chicken, Rayland.

188 Lady Estrogen June 21, 2011 at 10:11 am

That. Is. Fan.Fucking.Tastic.
Also? I brought home a distant cousin in December! I got the same reaction, except mine was at the airport. he just hung his head in bewilderment.
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189 Angella June 21, 2011 at 10:12 am

I just love you.

And now I want a metal chicken.
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190 Catherine Chandler June 21, 2011 at 10:15 am

“Knock, Knock motherfucker” Ha!!! You are a RIOT!!! And your man must be made of steel not to have melted down in laughing fits!
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191 L.A.C.E. June 21, 2011 at 10:19 am

My headache & my vocal baby must be messing with my head. By the end of this it was a 15 foot chicken! Hey Victor, at least it wasn’t a 15 foot chicken standing at your door! Now I must look for the 15 foot chicken for my 15th anniversary. I’ve got 9 years to find him. Nah, I like cats. So it would have to be a 15 foot cat staring down at my husband. Ok, carry on :D
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192 NotJustAnotherJennifer June 21, 2011 at 10:19 am

Beyonce, is SOOO much better than towels. What was Victor thinking?
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193 Polish Mama on the Prairie June 21, 2011 at 10:22 am

I totally would have rang the bell and hidden as well. But my husband would have probably picked it up and heaved it across the road or something, because he is easy to rattle. lol Happy Anniversary! May you have many more. I think 16 is towels, by the way.
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194 Circle June 21, 2011 at 10:23 am

DOH! … I posted in the wrong place … here’s a second try. I blame it on lack of sleep.

So … I can testify that hammocks are FABULOUS. Now there’s proof. Try this with your five foot cock next to you and I imagine you’ll sleep like a baby. Also … drinking a Killer Bee helps too. http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2011/06/20/137300311/why-hammocks-make-sleep-easier-deeper?sc=fb&cc=fp

195 Mary June 21, 2011 at 10:24 am

I started out grateful I don’t have to ask permission to buy towels. Now I’m wishing I had someone to aggravate with a giant rusty chicken. Come to think of it, the aldermen who voted against allowing a 4-H member to have chickens in our city might deserve a visit from mega-chicken . . .

196 Carla (@chickmae) June 21, 2011 at 10:24 am

Best. Blog post. Ever. Happy Anniversary!
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197 ThePeachy1 June 21, 2011 at 10:26 am

First of all, Victor needs to lose the damn attitude, you didn’t get towels, he needs to be a hell of a lot more specific YOU NEVER CLAIMED TO BE PSYCHIC, how the hell were you supposed to know he wouldn’t like a 5 foot metal chicken named Beyonce? Jezus Victor get in the game dude, it’s like you don’t even know her and shit? Be Specific ! When you were all flipping injuring your self in another country all AWOL with her passport locked up and being selfish she was there ( not physically because you fucking locked up her passport and wouldn’t tell her the town because you were huffing mexican jumping beans to deal with the pain or whatever) but mentally dude, she was there. Now this? Let me tell you something dude, if You got Jenny a 5 foot cock for you guys 15 year anniversary she would lock her self in her room and punch shit. Mostly because punching shit would hurt her hands but that’s besides the point. Right now Victor I am pretty upset with your reaction, which is bad timing on your part considering our local 60 year goofy putt putt golf place just went out of business and they have shit tons of crazy huge things for sale. You better get in line man.
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198 Judy June 21, 2011 at 10:27 am

If you didn”t love Beyonce before, you gotta love her now. Thanx for sharing. Hilarious.

199 ThePittsofBeingPeachy June 21, 2011 at 10:28 am

I have solutions ! Move the 5 foot cock into the bathroom and hang the pink towels on it. Make Victor ONLY use pink towels hung from the beak of the big rooster. There. phew, solved. you’re welcome.
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200 duchessbelle June 21, 2011 at 10:29 am

That is phenomenal.

201 Rita Arens June 21, 2011 at 10:29 am

That was totally worth the wait. How much would it cost to have him shipped around the country?
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202 Erin June 21, 2011 at 10:31 am

Dear Jenny’s Blog,
Jenny can’t be with you right now, but she loves you and misses you very much. She will come back to you as soon as she can, but don’t be scared or sad because we are all here to love you and take care of you until she gets back.

XOXO,
Aunt Erin

203 Trisha June 21, 2011 at 10:32 am

Hi Jenny’s blog.

Jenny asked me to drop by and tell you that she misses you. Don’t worry I’m sure she’ll come back soon.

204 Heather M June 21, 2011 at 10:33 am

OMG that is Hysterical and NOw I want one!

205 Jess June 21, 2011 at 10:33 am

That second photo just made my day. It was even better than the broadcast email we just got from the cafeteria chef advertising today’s lunch special in all caps:

“SANGRE DE CHRISTO NACHOS $6.00″

Because who doesn’t want BLOOD OF CHRIST NACHOS?
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206 Keith June 21, 2011 at 10:34 am

My eyes are full of tears right now, from the hysterical laughter. That photo of the chicken on the doorstep is pure platinum awesomeness.

And the thought of a rooster named Beyonce is even more hilarious. I had no idea you could buy a gay metal rooster that will cut you.

207 Kara June 21, 2011 at 10:35 am

I think you have a very grand entry way to your house. Beyoncé belongs there. Not only is she an awesome conversation starter, she will scare away any and all solicitors you might get.

208 2bkate June 21, 2011 at 10:36 am

Hi Jenny’s blog … she so misses you and your big Cock

209 Laura Mayes June 21, 2011 at 10:36 am

This is all 100% true and exactly how it happened. Only the giant metal chicken was only $99, not $100. Also, Victor still owes me a better reaction. And I will collect. Oh yes I will.

210 Jocelyn June 21, 2011 at 10:37 am

Your cock is colorful and beautiful! The ones I’ve seen around here (and contemplated stealing) are not painted and have the general rusty old cock look. Excellent purchase!
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211 wildeyed June 21, 2011 at 10:37 am

fan-freaking-tastic! why don’t they sell those at my local discount stores? i’d buy all of them and hand them out as christmas presents! haha victor!

212 Kristi June 21, 2011 at 10:39 am

OH MY WORD! I SO need that chicken! Thanks for the laugh. totally needed it.

213 Amanda June 21, 2011 at 10:42 am

This is, quite possibly, the most hilarious story involving Victor yet. I am at work, and now everyone sitting around me wants to know what’s so funny that I am snorting and yelling “Chicken!”. So, congratulations – you now have like 15 new readers. You’re welcome.

214 jenB June 21, 2011 at 10:43 am

I can’t get past the fact that Beyonce is a cock. A rooster, not a chicken, right? She is also AWESOME! Beyonce, transgender 5 foot rooster/cock/chicken!!!!!
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215 Amrita June 21, 2011 at 10:49 am

That is such a valid argument and you have a heart of gold for getting Victor the best Anniversary gift EVER! Who can say No to Beyonce?? :) And yes, he should be so glad Beyonce is not towels.

216 Zephyr June 21, 2011 at 10:50 am

Victor probably has a case of cock envy. Had you gotten a female instead of male, you wouldn’t be having this problem.

217 Chibi Jeebs June 21, 2011 at 10:51 am

Fucking HELL did I need that belly-laugh this morning! #thisiswhyiloveyou
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218 melistress June 21, 2011 at 10:52 am

The caption on that photo really needs to say “knock knock, motherclucker” instead.

Brilliant! I love Beyonce and look forward to Beyonce’s many adventures.
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219 KS_sunnyone June 21, 2011 at 10:52 am

You could position Beyonce outside your bathroom door and she could hold towels for you. Win-win.
The caption “knock, knock motherfucker” made me snort!
Victor is a very lucky guy. Either that or he is highly medicated.

220 yvonne@attracted to shiny things June 21, 2011 at 10:55 am

That is fucking AWESOME. I want one.
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221 HeatherW June 21, 2011 at 10:56 am

OMG.. I think I love you… and your huge chicken. lol

222 agtmacgyver June 21, 2011 at 10:57 am

This is why you’re awesome. You do all the stuff I’m too chicken to do.

Also, I’m confused by the sign behind you in the store that says, “Prices are 20% to 60% less everyday.” Why would I buy anything today if I know it’s going to be 20% to 60% less tomorrow? That’s terrible store management.

223 Handflapper June 21, 2011 at 10:58 am

Did someone already say how this is a classic example of life imitating art? Or art imitating art? Because this is just like Victor is Peter Griffin and that chicken is the Giant Chicken. And anyone who says “Family Guy” isn’t art can just fuck off.
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224 Alex@LateEnough June 21, 2011 at 10:58 am

This is what marriage is all about.
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225 Julie June 21, 2011 at 10:59 am

I’m still laughing. Love that you put Beyonce outside of his window :)

226 Kimberly J June 21, 2011 at 10:59 am

I really need to stop reading these at work! I’m so gonna get fired for laughing by myself and disturbing the others.
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227 Danielle June 21, 2011 at 11:00 am

I died laughing when I read, “This chicken will cut you.” Bwahahahahaahah! You need a tin sign that reads the sentiment. I love it. I’m totally wanting one.

Towels would have so cost you $50, so the money is a wash. Enjoy your cock!

228 Eric June 21, 2011 at 11:00 am

You fucking rule, there is nothing more that needs to be said!
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229 Lesley June 21, 2011 at 11:02 am

DAMN! I need a Chicken like that! But can I steal the name O’Shannesy for my chicken? I totally have to go to Ross or those other discount places and find a chicken like this. My neighbors would HATE it and it would be awesome and win my neighborhood.
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230 Mrs. Mustache June 21, 2011 at 11:02 am

Holy mother, this made my cry, it was that hysterical. I would have unoriginally named him Kellogg, but I’m glad you saw his booty shaking abilities. When he fell in the store you should have demanded a discount because he was dented. Just like the old ladies with cans who always get in line in front of me.
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231 Sharon June 21, 2011 at 11:02 am

omg I love it, I want a big giant metal chicken.
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232 Angel June 21, 2011 at 11:02 am

Best fuckin’ post evah~Just forwarded it to my OWN husband….as a warning.

233 Betty Fokker June 21, 2011 at 11:03 am

My husband NEVER buys me thoughtful gifts like this.
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234 Andie June 21, 2011 at 11:05 am

IT’S FULL OF WHIMSY.

I don’t know why that made me giggle so, but it did.

I imagine a giant metal chicken at your door is a small step down from a decapitated horse head in your bed. Happy Anniversary!
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235 Snarkier Than You June 21, 2011 at 11:05 am

Mr. Snarky should consider himself lucky that I mostly shop online, for clothes and shoes. Until I order five-foot-tall stripper heels, this is win-win for him and he doesn’t even know it!

P.S. That second pic is so full of win that I can’t STAND it. Honestly I think you should just keep it at the front door like that.

236 kim June 21, 2011 at 11:06 am

There is nothing I don’t love about Home Goods, nothing. And nothing I don’t love about your stories. And I’m in the midst of a deep fucking depression and haven’t left the house in days, but I tried to sound borderline suicidal on the phone with my psychiatrist’s office so they are letting me come in before July 15, which is when he actually has an appointment open, and when I get to his office and peek around the corner to let him know I’m there: ” Knock-knock, motherfucker….”

He has a good sense of humor.

Thanks for a moment of cheer!
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237 TheDHW June 21, 2011 at 11:06 am

Awesome! It’s my 9th wedding anniversary tomorrow and I just bought him a bottle of vodka and made him a card photoshopping his face onto ‘Neo’ from the Matrix (long story… don’t ask). I hope he doesn’t see this post or he’ll want to know how come he didn’t get a 5ft metal chicken. If only it was solar powered and lit up after dark then that would be like the best present ever.
Hugs
DHW x
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238 bschooled June 21, 2011 at 11:09 am

This is quite possibly my favorite story ever.
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239 Becky June 21, 2011 at 11:13 am

I am so excited to know that chickens are the 15th anniversary gift. And not some lame-ass towels. The chicken fund saving has begun – three full years until my own 5 foot Beyonce. Cluckin’ A!
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240 Jami June 21, 2011 at 11:14 am

i can totally identify with a guy named Beyonce – except the other way round. No, not a beyonce named Guy! You know what I mean.

And when I start doing standup again (real soon so get your tickets now!), I’m going to do at least one “Knock, knock, motherfucker!” joke. I swear I am.
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241 melistress June 21, 2011 at 11:17 am

You know, I was thinking about the James Garfield postcard project to raise money to subsidize the cost of James Garfield and I think the Knock Knock Motherfucker picture would make for an excellent line of anniversary greeting cards.
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242 smg June 21, 2011 at 11:18 am

the picture of Beyonce at the front door is now my new wallpaper on my computer. awesome.

243 Marge June 21, 2011 at 11:18 am

Just think of all the things you can do to this chicken such as hang plastic neon eggs from it at Easter and wrap it in lights at Christmas.
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244 Dana June 21, 2011 at 11:19 am

Awesome anniversary gift, Jenny! What a DEAL….. Sorry Victor doesn’t appreciate Beyonce. Give him time….
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245 Amy June 21, 2011 at 11:19 am

Chicken. You’re doing it right.
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246 Rebecca June 21, 2011 at 11:19 am

That thing is ricockulous.

See what I did there?

Yes.

I am as clever as a 5-foot-tall chicken.
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247 Ronda June 21, 2011 at 11:21 am

So I just spent two whole minutes trying to figure out where the bottom half of your body was in the pic of you hugging the giant cock, er, chicken. Because I need glasses, apparently. Or I’m not bright. Either one, really.

Moral of the story: if I get fired for viewing inappropriate stuff on the internets at work, it’s totally Victor’s fault.

248 TRF Girl June 21, 2011 at 11:22 am

HAHAHA.. Knock Knock, Mother Clucker!!

249 Kimber June 21, 2011 at 11:30 am

This was beautiful. I have the checkmate I need to win all arguments with my husband now. Thank you. Perspective. I have it.

250 Penbleth June 21, 2011 at 11:32 am

I think Victor is becoming inured to your mania for all things whacky.
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251 Sarah June 21, 2011 at 11:35 am

Why did the chicken cross the road?

TO FIND ITS HOT PINK, MOTHER-FUCKING BEACH TOWELS.

I think you should drape one of the towels around Beyonce. Then leave the she-cock in the bathroom when Victor is in the shower.
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252 VEG June 21, 2011 at 11:36 am

EVERYTHING about this post is why I now have a wet spot on my office chair.

Plus you owe me a pair of new jeans.

But I would TOTALLY take Beyonce in trade.

253 Boppie June 21, 2011 at 11:36 am

I, for one, would like some greeting cards with that giant metal chicken at the front door photo on them, and blank inside. Many sentiments can be expressed via that photo: You say I never come visit, but you should be careful what you wish for; Surprise! we’re having a baby (chicken)!; Remember that money you owe me? I’d like it back; Congratulations on your new pet – oh it’s not a chicken? how banal; Congratulations on the new baby – I’d heard the stork had been replaced but this outsourcing trend is out of control; etc.
Victor, as usual, is possessed of an appalling lack of imagination, but then couples are supposed to be complementary, so maybe he just needs to appreciate how much money Beyonce will bring in. Please let me know when I can buy my greeting/note cards.

254 cindy w June 21, 2011 at 11:36 am

I just laughed so hard I woke up my 3 week-old newborn and now she’s screaming bloody murder but you know what? WORTH IT.

Freaking awesome.

255 Jennifer June 21, 2011 at 11:40 am

omg…omg…I can’t even…ohh lord…

we just happen to need new towels. My husband disagrees. I wish I had your balls.
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256 Caitlin June 21, 2011 at 11:45 am

I’ve been following you for a while now, and have never left a comment. I have tweeted at you, and you followed me back so I felt like a celebrity for a few minutes one night. BUT I have to say, this is one of my favorite posts EVER, if not THEEE TOP FAVORITE. I’m not sure yet. But I can’t think of another I’ve enjoyed so much. The only thing that would make it better is if I had been there in person. But that would have involved ALOT of stalking and hunting you down and what not, and I’m just too lazy for all that shit. So that’s why I felt compelled to comment. Keep up the good work, and Happy Anniversary!

257 Kella June 21, 2011 at 11:46 am

Oh, my god, Jenny… I apologize to Victor, but I can’t stop laughing. Now I want a 5-foot metal chicken, dammit! Xander could use a little surprise to come home to.

Like, “Honey, you know how you always have a raging cock for me? …I feel bad that I never have one for you…Fixed!”
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258 lifedramatic June 21, 2011 at 11:47 am

Oh my gosh. I love you so much. I can not stop laughing. You totally made my day. I want to be your neighbor, and your best friend – no both. Will you be my neighbor?

XOXO,
ld
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259 Adrienne Jones Myers June 21, 2011 at 11:47 am

This is friggin hilarious. Thank you for this. I want a Beyonce’ too!

260 Lorie June 21, 2011 at 11:47 am

I don’t think I will take suggestions for an anniversary present from you, but I will say I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time!

And now I want that chicken! They have them ALL over Texas (I so don’t get it) but that is the biggest one I have seen and I want it!

261 Kristi Stone June 21, 2011 at 11:49 am

I need one of these!! No, seriously.

While it would completely annoy my husband I just think it would add so much to my back porch which is a bunch of gypsy cowgirl junk <3
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262 Kristi Stone June 21, 2011 at 11:50 am

Oh… I forgot, where can I buy one!?!?!? I saw you are near Houston so DFW isn’t too far.

(They have a 6 foot one at Home Goods in San Antonio ~ Jenny)
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263 Julie {Angry Julie Monday} June 21, 2011 at 11:56 am

This was the last post that I read last night. And the first post that I’m commenting on today. It is so memorable. I had to post it on all of my social networking sites, to share the love. Thank you Jenny for making a crappy week so much better. I wish I was in Texas to experience to the joy of shopping with you and Laura. Oh the fun we could have….
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264 Angie June 21, 2011 at 11:57 am

I haven’t laughed this hard since you introduced us to James Garfield. I desperately need a giant rooster now…

265 Rod June 21, 2011 at 12:01 pm

OK, let me get this straight.
Victor wanted you wet and dirty (or at least not dried and clean) so you went off and bought a huge metal cock?
AND it can sing! (Beyonce, duh)

You never display Victor on the lawn, that’s why he’s mad, he feels rejected. But really he should be all “I’m such a man my wife had to get a 5′ one to make me feel small”.

266 emmysuh June 21, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Um, I mean, has Victor READ your blog or even been paying attention the past fifteen years? “Don’t buy towels” is like a CHALLENGE to come home with something FAR MORE ridiculous to display your condescending amusement at his restrictions. BAM FIVE FOOT METAL CHICKEN, how do towels look NOW?!

267 Barbara June 21, 2011 at 12:04 pm

Holy crap, Jenny! I just googled “giant chicken” and found this: http://roadsidegeorgia.com/site/bigchicken.html – a 56 foot chicken. Victor should be happy you showed some restraint.
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268 ADDGirl June 21, 2011 at 12:05 pm

And now that the demand for 5 foot metal chickens is inevitably going to skyrocket due to this post, he is probably worth more than you paid for him. SO it was like an investment.
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269 Bodaciousboomer June 21, 2011 at 12:05 pm

I bought a giant chicken at Pecan Street last fall and had to walk back to our booth with it. I couldn’t see shit and walking slowly as to avoid a cocktastrophe. Still a drunk asshole slammed right into me and down I went onto 6th street with a giant chicken right on top of me. I bet it’s on YouTube somewhere.
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270 Loukia June 21, 2011 at 12:06 pm

This was awesome. And that’s on big f*cking chicken.

271 trinity67 June 21, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Oh thank God for you.
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272 Andrea June 21, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Oh geez. That was friggin hilarious. I love the chicken and I absolutely love that you’d be brave enough to drop that sucker off at someone’s house to cheer them up or show them things could be worse. Although that might be easier if it were not 5 feet and weighing in at, say, a decent amount of pounds? Love it.
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273 Heather June 21, 2011 at 12:12 pm

And to think that I got rid of my big, metal chicken just before my 15th anniversary! Oh, that parting was NOT sweet sorrow :D
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274 Jenn June 21, 2011 at 12:13 pm

I fucking love Beyonce and I don’t live that far from you so there might be a Beyonce in my future. Because, hello? Clearance!

Two weekends ago we were in Marble Falls and I found three giant metal chickens except they were MARIACHI chickens and they were $600. Walking away from them was one of the hardest moments of my life.

275 Bodi June 21, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Thank-you for a great laugh, and a lesson on the “Passive-Aggressive Argument” technique…

I’m thinking Victor may have learned a lesson here?

276 bevchen June 21, 2011 at 12:15 pm

This post just made my day 1000 times better! Hilarious.

The chicken is awesome.
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277 LA Juice June 21, 2011 at 12:19 pm

15 years is big metal chicken! this makes me want to watch super troopers and bow to your brilliance. This might be my favorite bloggess story ever.

278 lori b June 21, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Quite possibly the funniest thing I’ve read this month!!! :)

279 Jamie June 21, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Made my day!

280 Cindy June 21, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Your metal chicken is bigger than my metal chicken, dad gum it!
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281 andi June 21, 2011 at 12:23 pm

What a great way to make some extra scratch (pun intended). You can post flyers advertising a private in house Beyonce concert and sell tickets. Download songs sung by chickens (they exist) and when people get there you can play the chicken music. I would totally go!

282 Windsor Grace June 21, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Victor is surprisingly hard to rattle because he has a wildebeest head on his wall and some other weird animals and his father-in-law is a taxidermist. Just sayin’
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283 Mashiara June 21, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Wow, is this what rich folks do with there time? YIKE!!!

284 Keely June 21, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Yeah, you BOUGHT a giant metal chicken, but whose badass idea was it to MAKE the giant metal chicken(s)?

(Spoiler: Not mine. But someone out there is pretty badass.)

285 Nathan June 21, 2011 at 12:26 pm

This is the kind of behavior that tells me you have a failing marriage or at least are headed for one. If your husband was being unreasonable, then you communicate and let it go, putting the ball in his court. You should have given him time to think about it, even if that meant a few weeks of going without your towels. Instead, you went behind his back, commiserated with another friend about him (a betrayal of trust in the marriage) and wasted money anyway on something that, while harmless in and of itself, amounted to a “fuck you” to your husband. If I were you, I would consider some marriage counseling, focusing on healthy communication and problem resolution and compromise.

286 Jenny the bloggess June 21, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Victor, you know you’re not allowed to comment on my blog.

287 Blank June 21, 2011 at 12:30 pm

And this is why dumb white bitches need to be sterilized.

288 Jenny the bloggess June 21, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Mom?

289 buffina June 21, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Has no one else wondered how one gets a 5 foot chicken home to begin with?

I feel like at some point your response to Victor should have been: “Well, CLUCK YOU, Motherclucker!”

290 Jessie June 21, 2011 at 12:35 pm

My sister sent this to me knowing full well my 9th anniversary is tomorrow. I would love nothing more than to give that to my husband!

Wonderful!

291 Meg June 21, 2011 at 12:36 pm

I forgot to tell you, my ad money this month was officially for giant metal chickens.

292 Alexandra June 21, 2011 at 12:40 pm

I can’t even stop laughing long enough here to leave a decent comment.

I want that picture for a poster in my kitchen.

How do I do that???
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293 Holly June 21, 2011 at 12:46 pm

I think that was easily the best blog post evah!

294 Mandie the Red Gecko June 21, 2011 at 12:46 pm

I very rarely crack up by myself in front of my computer… But this did it. Totally. HI-larious! I’ve shared with my husband and told him to watch his battle-pickin’ or we’ll end up with a giant chicken, too. :P

295 tolly June 21, 2011 at 12:47 pm

BEST BLOG EVER!!

296 Charlie Red June 21, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Your actions were childish, cowardly and wasteful. All you husband wanted was for you to do what he told you, how fucking hard is it for women to honor their men anymore? Oh yeh, go buy a damn chicken made of scrap metal and put it in his face to purposely piss him off. What the fuck? I really wonder how you’d react if he treated you in the same manner, but hey at least he’s a big fucking joke to you.

PS – I see you only approve positive comments supporting your website and actions because I’d be a bit damn surprised if you actually allowed what i have to say to you on this.

297 Micaela Morris June 21, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Fantastically funny story! I, too, want a big metal rooster…..and I think I found where to get one! Try this site: http://www.piperchase.com/categories/Rustic-Metal-Animals/Metal-Roosters/
Gonna read your blog now….best out there!

298 Jen June 21, 2011 at 12:49 pm

This has inspired me to name the next chicken we add to our flock “Beyonce.”.
I am dying with laughter now. I read this to my coworker, and she’s all “that is SO Jenesque!” which is how she describes anything that sounds like me. I laughed when I saw your name was Jen too, because hey, it’s now doubly Jenesque!

299 Lindsay June 21, 2011 at 12:50 pm

I’m pretty sure that someone, somewhere would be willing to sponsor Beyonce for a trip to BlogHer. Just sayin’

300 Janeen June 21, 2011 at 12:50 pm

omg i’m crying reading this. it sounds just like life at my house – just with a 5′ tall teddy bear instead of a metal chicken. thanks for the giggles!

301 Mandie June 21, 2011 at 12:52 pm

I laughed so hard. This was hilarious and victor should be happy. It wasn’t towels.
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302 Dori June 21, 2011 at 12:53 pm

This is HILARIOUS. I was having a bad day and then I came across this post and my day suddenly got so much better. I needed this laughter and whimsy.
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303 Tori Redmond-Mize June 21, 2011 at 12:54 pm

I…there…there are so many puns. SO MANY PUNS.
Tears, down my face. Where have you been all my life, anyway?

304 Andrea June 21, 2011 at 12:55 pm

All the single ladies (All the single ladies)
All the single ladies (All the single ladies)
All the single ladies (All the single ladies)
All the single ladies
Now put your hands up

Up in the club, we just broke up
I’m doing my own little thing
You decided to dip but now you wanna trip
Cause another brother noticed me
I’m up on him, he up on me
don’t pay him any attention
Cause I cried my tears, for three good years
Ya can’t be mad at me

Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it
Don’t be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it

Bok Bok Bok Bok Bok Bok
Bok Bok Bok Bok Bok Bok

305 Kate June 21, 2011 at 1:00 pm

I hope I have a Victor someday.

sigh.

306 Catherine@happinessafterheartache June 21, 2011 at 1:01 pm

This was SO funny! I just came across your blog and I am laughing so hard at this post. I’m at work right now and a cleaner is in my classroom and I must look like an idiot because I’m shaking from trying not to laugh out loud while she’s in here! I need a giant chicken on-hand just so I can pull it out when necessary!

307 Evin Cooper June 21, 2011 at 1:02 pm

I just texted my honey “Knock Knock Motherfucker!” .. he responded with “are you high?” .. little does he know I’m just warning him! I need a giant cock in my life. (And yes, you can read an insult into that.)
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308 Iindsay June 21, 2011 at 1:03 pm

You need to move him into the bedroom so that victor wakes up to the giant chicken staring him in the eyes. Awesome.

309 Evin Cooper June 21, 2011 at 1:03 pm

P.S. If you’re anywhere near Austin, can we be friends??
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310 kim June 21, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Wow. Just. Wow. It makes my chicken with the reflector in its stomach that I got in New Mexico at an awesome truck stop look downright…PUNY. Plus Beyonce has a pink neck. I’m not gonna show this post to my chicken with the reflector in its stomach. It’ll give him a complex. He doesn’t have a pink neck.

311 Debra D. June 21, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Wow, Victor…way to be Captain Funsucker. And, to Charlie Red…..Dude…seriously??!!

312 Adrian from The Working Momaholic June 21, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Effing hilarious. Best post I’ve read all day.

313 Tanja June 21, 2011 at 1:08 pm

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Thanks :)

314 Angie H June 21, 2011 at 1:09 pm

I’m trying to imagine what my ex would have thought if I’d brought that much cock home. Sort of makes me wanna get married again! Also, from now on maybe Victor should only be allowed to use the hot pick beach towels? :D Nice work!

315 Alison June 21, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Haaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! I’m laughing SO HARD I’m crying!! Marriages need more humor like yours!! Hope your hubby can see the joke soon!!

316 LA Juice June 21, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Wow what the hell is wrong with Charlie Red? I never understand the impulse to work up the vitrol to attach a blogger about a persona story. If you don’t like the story- go the faulk away. No one here wants to ready your comment- assmunch.

317 Lanita June 21, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Seriously, if you ever want to get rid of Beyonce, I will gladly take her. I collect them and the largest one I have is a 3 1/2 foot wooden cock I got on the beaches of Jamaica. I named him Shakespeare. In my house, only the really big ones get names.

318 Scottsdale Girl June 21, 2011 at 1:13 pm

You know what I just as much as your posts? Your commenters. Except the Debbie(Nathan)Downers which thankfully are few.
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319 Carly D. @ CarlyBananas June 21, 2011 at 1:13 pm

I just laughed so hard I cried. I saw Dori’s retweet of your post and came to look because I am also having a bad day. That really did help. I love Beyonce.
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320 Scottsdale Girl June 21, 2011 at 1:13 pm

^what I LOVE* sorry

321 emily June 21, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Dying over here I am laughing so hard. I just celebrated my sweet 16 with mr. k. I get it. There is a lot to it.
I need that chicken. Or to have you for a neighbor so I can pay it some visits now and then.
*** (200 dollars worth of free chicken?? cracking up!) ****

322 Richard J. Patituccio June 21, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Well the question to ask yourself now is do you want to spend your future with your chicken or your husband. Because every day he looks at it, it will fester into something that some day nobody will be able to laugh off.

Where do you plan to go from here?

323 Jenny the bloggess June 21, 2011 at 1:21 pm

That’s true, because my first marriage ended by “festering chicken”.

Where do I plan to go from here? Honestly? I’m kind of hoping that Charlie Red from comment 296 is single. Because that man sounds like a joy to be with, and it’s pretty obvious that he’s totally into me.

324 Boston Mamas June 21, 2011 at 1:21 pm

DUDE. I was nursing Violet while I read this and I think *she* snorted milk out her nose. You are awesome.
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325 KYouell June 21, 2011 at 1:23 pm

I think Charlie Red is also jealous of the 5′ cock, though I am hoping that Jenny is coming up with a funny comment to put below his because come on, Nathan/Victor and Blank/Mom were almost as funny as “Knock-knock, Motherfucker.”

GO JENNY! SUCK IT, HATERS!

326 Claire June 21, 2011 at 1:25 pm

I love your story and the way you tell it!
Thanks for the laugh today!

327 SharonCville June 21, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Total Win. I do feel for Victor, but after 15 years he really ought to know what this ride is all about. Just absolutely love this!

328 Anonymous June 21, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Bravo!!!

329 corina June 21, 2011 at 1:28 pm

that is flippin’ hilarious. i looooooove the chicken, but i have to say i feel a little sorry for poor victor. however… i’m all about gettin’ $200 of chicken for FREEEEEEEEEEEEE… keep it, honey. ;o)

330 Sue/RFamHere June 21, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Thank you so much for the laugh!!! Love it!!! I need a five foot tall metal chicken!
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331 Andrea June 21, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Hey everyone Charlie Red’s name is linked to his site. You can’t comment on his posts (of course not) BUT…we can email him!

You’ve got mail, mother fucker. BOO-YAH!!

332 Frumptastic June 21, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Crap, my tenth anniversary is coming up in August. What the hell do I do now? A three foot papier mache pig? Bloggess, you make the anniversary gift giving standards wayyyyyy to high.
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333 Wendy June 21, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Oh hell. I just snorted when I read the caption underneath the picture of the chicken at the front door.
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334 Kathy Trosclair June 21, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Ok! Love the story! I want a chicken like that! Where did you get it?

335 Kim June 21, 2011 at 1:34 pm

this was friggin hilarious!!!!! I love how your mind works!!! lol……….

336 Wendy June 21, 2011 at 1:34 pm

“All you husband wanted was for you to do what he told you.” Now *that* cracked me up, Charlie.
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337 Samantha Angela @ Bikini Birthday June 21, 2011 at 1:35 pm

This MADE MY DAY.
Thanks Beyonce.

338 Wendy T. June 21, 2011 at 1:38 pm

This sounds like conversations I’ve had with friends while shopping, usually involving platform heels and feather boas. The chicken is by far more awesome.
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339 Mrs Marcos June 21, 2011 at 1:39 pm

If Victor doesn’t come around I think you should put the chicken in your bed – Godfather style (only don’t really kill the chicken, this is just for pretend).

340 Steve June 21, 2011 at 1:40 pm

I’ll buy that Chicken!

341 laurie June 21, 2011 at 1:40 pm

That is one big motherclucker.

342 Pam June 21, 2011 at 1:41 pm

That is absolutely hysterical!!!
You’re my insane kind of people!!

343 Ali June 21, 2011 at 1:43 pm

That chicken has Homegoods purchase written all over it. I have a paper mache giraffe that would go perfectly with it.

344 Deb June 21, 2011 at 1:43 pm

This is awesome. Last Sunday, I went to the farmer’s market and forgot that my guy told me not to buy any more tomato plants and I bought a dozen tomato plants. I still have them in my car. Now, I can show him this post and then bring in the tomato plants and tell him “at least it’s not a five-foot-tall metal chicken.” Laura was right. Perspective is everything.

345 Max June 21, 2011 at 1:44 pm

This is absolutely hilarious!! How did I not know about your blog before this day…I cannot tell you the last time I laughed this hard and boy did I really need that today

346 Gretchen June 21, 2011 at 1:44 pm

My neighbor and I love these sorts of adventures. We would like to know you and Laura and buy you both a drink! And the chicken is AWESOME!

347 Beth June 21, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Ha. Maybe you will get some towels for your birthday?;) If not, I vote for Beyonce find a friend around Christmas time to sit out there in the yard with him! ;)
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348 Kpack June 21, 2011 at 1:51 pm

OMG! This is the best blog post I have ever ever read in my life!!! #1 – I wish Beyonce was on my doorstep…. #2 You made my day!

349 Tom June 21, 2011 at 1:52 pm

I would go shopping for towels with you any day.
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350 boohoo June 21, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Hilarious : )

351 Kittenears June 21, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Oh my goodness I just laughed so hard I cried. Clearly you are full of win!

352 Suebob June 21, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Who posted this link to the “Angry Men With Disobedient Wife Issues” yahoo group, anyway?
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353 Sandra June 21, 2011 at 1:55 pm

I laughed so hard, I was in tears! Then I forwarded to my husband…

354 Suebob June 21, 2011 at 1:55 pm

And besides? Now the chicken is an officially tax-deductible chicken. I can’t wait to see that line on your tax return. Beyoncé – Metal Chicken – $100.
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355 Gena June 21, 2011 at 1:56 pm

AHAHAHA THIS IS SO FUNNY! My husband and I are cracking up! I love love your blog!

356 Andie June 21, 2011 at 1:58 pm

I kinda want to take Beyonce to Charlie Red’s house. Knock knock Motherfucker indeed.
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357 Hope June 21, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Is Charlie Red being ironic? He must be. Hipsters only live their lives ironically.

This post is now 100 % more awesome thanks to that dude.

358 Jennifer Shearin June 21, 2011 at 1:59 pm

I have been giggling for ten solid minutes. This is awesome! Knock-knock, motherfucker.
This cock has so many hilarious possibilities!

359 susie June 21, 2011 at 1:59 pm

I love you.
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360 Sara June 21, 2011 at 2:00 pm

This is easily the hardest I’ve ever laughed at a blog post. And just as I was lamenting having to laugh by myself, my friend came online and was all, “OMG HAVE YOU SEEN BEYONCE? THE CHICKEN BEYONCE?” It was awesome.

Also awesome–how many people think this chicken is going to end your marriage. I’ve noticed that everyone who thinks this also seems to be sexist. Who would have thought “offended by giant chickens” and “sexist” went hand in hand.

361 Molly June 21, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Beyonce would make such a great playground toy. Except for the sharp edges.
Slight correction: Beyonce would make such a great playground toy for obnoxious children.

Also, I sincerely hope you have plans to leave Beyonce right next to Victor while he’s sleeping, then play a crowing rooster track at high volume to wake him up. Who wouldn’t want to wake up next to a mildly creepy 5 foot tall possibly psychopathic chicken?
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362 me June 21, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Oh MY GOD!!! This is the best story EVER. You are amazing. Thank you so much for buying the chicken. I haven’t laughed so hard in ages. Thank you and thank you!
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363 KYouell June 21, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Suebob (#351) for comment of the day!

364 Chiara June 21, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Thank you for this.

We’ve got an anniversary coming up and I’m tired of buying him wallets.

365 Andrea June 21, 2011 at 2:06 pm

This post just keeps on giving. Thanks to you, Jenny, I now have a proper response to people who want to know why I divorced my ex-husband. Festering chicken.

And I also think you have a real chance with Charlie Red. *fingers crossed!!!*
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366 Mrs. Counts June 21, 2011 at 2:06 pm

This is too epic for words. I catch so much shit because I came to my present marriage with a serious collection of VERY NICE chickens that decorate my kitchen, AND WAITED FOR 10 YEARS to be unboxed in a kitchen bigger than a cabin cruiser galley. Well played. I could only hope to get such an epic opportunity for revenge.

367 Bobbie Jo June 21, 2011 at 2:06 pm

OMG that is the funniest thing ever!!! LOVE IT!!!!!!

368 Lovebabz June 21, 2011 at 2:07 pm

This story had me crying over my computer! I loved every minute of it! @Queenofspain on twitter was talking about it with her hubby @aaronvest (I can only imagine how that conversation was going)

This was hilarious and I swear I would keep that 5 foot chicken and I would move it around every week!

Yes Sister, pick your battles…but this wasn’t a fight, this was making an extreme point. Sometimes that’s just how you gotta roll.

369 Stacey June 21, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Wait? Won’t James Garfield be jealous?

370 Anne June 21, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Man, I totally want to start a band and name it FESTERING CHICKEN in honor of comment #322.
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371 Karen June 21, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Jesus. Christ. A Chicken.
It will be hard to top that next anniversary.

372 Neeroc June 21, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Like he didn’t know you’d come home with a giant chicken (which I totally covet btw)
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373 Steam Me Up, Kid June 21, 2011 at 2:10 pm

I think this should start a new trend in chicken jokes.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To fester into something that some day nobody will be able to laugh off.
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374 Cory June 21, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Great cautionary tale. Sent it to my husband.
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375 Andrea June 21, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Fucking fabulous. And now you have a new fan. Simply because, after seeing the chicken at the door, I almost peed just a little.
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376 Jamester June 21, 2011 at 2:13 pm

I think your blog went offline for a while because I sent the link to thousands of people who really, really need a laugh. Sorry about that. Not really.

377 Sir 2 good 4U June 21, 2011 at 2:14 pm

wow…that there was about 10 minutes waste of Time I shall never see again, I know the ONLY relief I got out of it was this little bit of whimsy words I just had to share…tsk-tsk…some people just really should NEVER live above their means…seriously?!? some of that “wasted” $$$ really could’ve gone to better use to any of our local charities, really…

378 briya June 21, 2011 at 2:14 pm

I’ve been married for 19 years this year, and I never know what to get him. THIS WOULD BE THE BEST GIFT EVER.
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379 Erin June 21, 2011 at 2:15 pm

I now have chicken-envy.

380 TheNextMartha June 21, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Dammit. Now the 3 ft. pig on my doorstep seems puny. Thanks.

381 Shay June 21, 2011 at 2:16 pm

My husband is in love with you now. He and I both want a giant chicken in our yard because of you. You are awesome. And tell victor that towels require constant washing and drying, giant chicken does not. And the chicken can cut strangers. That baby is totally paying for itself.

382 Nicole B June 21, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Ok…. So after reading this, I honestly think the chicken paid for itself and then some just by the reaction and what happened in the store… I laughed and laughed and am still laughing by it all. I needed that greatly so thank you for sharing… I love it…

383 Steam Me Up, Kid June 21, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Howie.
Howie who?
Howie fucking hard is it for women to honor their men anymore?
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384 anne nahm June 21, 2011 at 2:18 pm

You are killing me with the awesome. I die.
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385 arthur June 21, 2011 at 2:18 pm

You, my dear, are brilliantly funny. I’ve just discovered you!

386 Lori June 21, 2011 at 2:19 pm

O.M.G….I am in TEARS laughing so hard over this post….holy crap! Thanks for the good laugh…..

387 Kara June 21, 2011 at 2:20 pm

I needed this laugh today. Thank you. :)

388 Holly June 21, 2011 at 2:23 pm

You totally made my day! Oh thank you, mwah mwah mwah.
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389 Jennie Jackson June 21, 2011 at 2:23 pm

So funny I’m crying!

390 Maarburg June 21, 2011 at 2:23 pm

I, officially, can no longer read your blog at work.

This is a serious place, and to my surprise, they find my cubicle giggles and attempts to conceal my mirth a bit distracting.

This reminds me of that old parable, a cock at the door is better than one in the bushes. I might have that wrong.

391 Nikki June 21, 2011 at 2:23 pm

You sound like how my sister and I act in a store with a giant chicken. We did something similar but with a giant can of sausage gravy from the dollar store. My parents were not thrilled with the 5 year joke of giving each other the can as a present for holidays. Well I think my mom saw the humor.
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392 Issa June 21, 2011 at 2:25 pm

I can’t stop laughing. Beyonce is a great looking chicken. Hehehehehe.

393 SarcasminAction June 21, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Nathan, (285), Blank (287) and Charlie Red are bitter, bitter asshats.
I personally think they have a case of chicken envy.
They wish their “cocks” were as big…..

hee, hee.
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394 Always Winning the Booby Prize June 21, 2011 at 2:25 pm

This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. Perhaps EVER. Man, I wish I was this cool.
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395 @PamelaMKramer - A Renaissance Woman June 21, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Oh it hurts!!!! ROFL….
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396 Still Life With Crockpot June 21, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Tears streaming down my face. This post is a work of comic genius. Thank you.

397 Mike June 21, 2011 at 2:27 pm

This is why divorces happen. This isn’t funny at all! Its hundred of dollars wasted because she couldn’t control her spending. Our economy is in the dumps because of people like her. Next time do something positive with all this money you’re freely wasting like donate to a charity, horrible person.

398 Hope June 21, 2011 at 2:28 pm

I don’t know about you, but I added a HomeGoods shopping clause to my wedding vows. I AM obeying my husband by purchasing two red rollerskate statues – both left feet.

This clause also permits me to not leave Target without spending less than $300.

399 Blair@HeirtoBlair June 21, 2011 at 2:30 pm

I have not laughed this hard in so long.
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400 Omnomnivore June 21, 2011 at 2:30 pm

This is the best thing I’ve read all week! Towels aren’t half as good; they can’t cut you like a 5′ chicken can! :)

401 Sidney June 21, 2011 at 2:30 pm

I just did a chiLcken spit-take. Not a cock one. That would be dirty.
Beyonce is beautimous.

~looking wistfully out my office window, for a chiLcken
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402 Sharon Arsenaut June 21, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Iit appears that #285… aka…some little Mr. Cranky Troll woke up on the wrong side of the marriage bed this morning!

403 SillyJaime June 21, 2011 at 2:33 pm

This is actually the greatest thing I’ve read in over a week. I’m just sayin’.
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404 Florida Keys Girl June 21, 2011 at 2:33 pm

You named a chicken Beyonce? That is truly great. I will tell you that the only thing better than buying a giant thing you can’t really carry is buying a giant thing that your boyfriend/husband/whatever doesn’t really want and then ends up carrying for you all the way back to your cruise ship where it takes up half of your tiny cabin for a week. Not that that happened to me or anything… (And now that giant Mexican planter is filled with weeds.)
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405 faye June 21, 2011 at 2:34 pm

I LOL’ed myself sick.

Best blog post I’ve read in a long time.

406 Dangerboy June 21, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Did anyone else think of Boondock Saints 2? “Ding dong, motherfuckers, DING DONG!”
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407 Nenette June 21, 2011 at 2:36 pm

oh, honey, you make me cry in ways I totally enjoy.
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408 Jennifer Taggart June 21, 2011 at 2:36 pm

OMG. I’m still laughing with tears running down my face. My husband loathes my visits to Home Goods . . . . but now I’m just saying at least I didn’t bring home a giant chicken.
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409 Theresa (Miss Charlotte) June 21, 2011 at 2:36 pm

You have me in tears over here, the kids are asking questions….they’re too young to subject to Beyonce and all her glory. You frockin’ rock!

410 Lexi June 21, 2011 at 2:37 pm

You. Are. My. Hero.

411 Lisa June 21, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Okay I know I’ve already commented on this post but reading the Nathan/Blank etc comments made me laugh alone. Reading your responses to them pretty much made me fall in love with you. You are simply the most awesome person in the world.

If you’re free I have a few haters I would LOVE for you to batter with your humour words. Let me know.
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412 Stephanie June 21, 2011 at 2:38 pm

oh my goodness. I could NOT stop laughing. Thank you for brightening my day :)

413 SouthernSheri June 21, 2011 at 2:39 pm

Wow, some posters are so serious. They must be in need of a big cock named Beyonce.

414 Wifey June 21, 2011 at 2:39 pm

Freaking AMAZING.
This could be an Aesop’s Fable. But, you know, way better.
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415 Sorry So Wordy June 21, 2011 at 2:40 pm

I’m sorry, but I actually agree with what a few detractors have said, just not to the degree of misogyny they have taken it into. Victor was probably wrong with the tone he set when you left, but your reaction was also pretty juvenile. I doubt you would even contest that statement.

I actually think the chicken is pretty hilarious looking. His reaction to seeing the big dumb thing on the doorstep would probably have been great.

But I think you have to get rid of the chicken. You and Laura had a great laugh, but I think you ought to return/resell the thing. Someone above implied that it will just serve as a reminder of negative feelings every time Victor looks at it. I don’t claim to know how either of you actually feel, but I get the impression that he doesn’t see the humor in a big, sharp, rusty chicken.

And, in the end, you both should get to the root problem. Either, Victor didn’t like your choice of towels and is excluded from the decision (however small) or he felt that buying more would be a waste of money. If the former, it’s as simple as letting him make a couple small decisions (or even set a couple parameters, like a preference on dark blues and greens vs. hot pink). If it’s the latter, dumping $100 on a rust bucket chicken, however hilarious, is really going to be a big problem for him.

If you have that much money to throw away on a goof and an amusing blog post, then I’d hope you would make a matching contribution to a charity of your choice, perhaps http://www.stjude.org/ (St. Jude Children’s Hospital) or http://ww5.komen.org/ (Susan G. Komen, Breast Cancer research).

Anyway, good luck on handling the fallout with Victor, figuring out what the @#$% to do with Beyonce, and the blog.

From Jenny: You were actually very polite in your critique so I’ll give you an actual answer. Victor enjoys my sense of humor even when he wants to strangle me, and vice-versa. We have very similar personalities so that means I don’t actually call the police when he threatens to stab me for buying towels, or when he tries to convince me that I’m going to be attacked by night squirrels, or when he rigs all the faucets to spray directly at me. He actually thought this post was funny and spent most of the day on the phone with my host company trying to get it back online when the server went down. He did, however, mention that he really doesn’t like Beyonce in front of his window so we agreed to move it to my window together. The chicken was $99 and it’s awesome and makes great yard art and was a small price to pay for making so many people laugh. This is actually my job, so technically Beyonce is probably tax deductable and counts as work supplies. Regarding charity work, I’m not sure why every silly expenditure has to be linked with a justification of charity. When a normal person tells her coworkers that she decided to take her family on vacation she doesn’t usually get hit with a “Well, I hope you spend an equal amount on charity”. But, as you are probably new here I will share that I actually do a great deal of charity work here on this blog, and on a twitter account dedicated solely to helping others (@thegoodbloggess). My last silly expenditure (which Victor also was initially not pleased with) was a giant boar head. It too was almost $100, but that same boar head eventually inspired a charity drive 6 months ago (organized right here by my amazing readers) which lead to over $42k in gift cards being raised to help parents who were unable to buy Christmas presents for their children during the recession. You can read about it on the Washington Post. Or on The Huffington Post, where I was awarded “The Greatest Person of The Day” award. (It was a slow week, obviously.) I’m not saying all of this to defend myself, because almost everyone here already knows all of this. I’m just pointing it out to anyone new here. Ridiculous chickens and silly laughter are worthwhile and are nothing I would ever apologize for. My goal in life is to make people laugh. It’s my job and it’s how I support my family. In turn, they support what I write and if they have a problem with something, I don’t post it. I could have added all this to the post but I didn’t. Because this stuff isn’t funny. It’s just life. Which is not usually funny. Unless it includes giant metal chickens. Now, back to random silliness…)

416 Katherina @ Zephyr Runs June 21, 2011 at 2:41 pm

This is my favorite post ever. Way to be!
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417 Megan June 21, 2011 at 2:42 pm

sure it was immature. sure it was crap communication. but that doesn’t mean it was wrong. and hell, it was funny as FUCK and i say any husband who can’t learn to laugh at that doesn’t deserve a wife. all you men scolding jenny for this can go fuck each other. like a train, one ass fucking another ass fucking another ass fucking another. one long, ass-fuckin’ train of sexist chicken-haters.

418 Gina @ Running to the Kitchen June 21, 2011 at 2:42 pm

oh my God, thank you. I am crying at my desk with laughter. “knock, knock motherfucker” had me burst out while coworkers look suspiciously over at me.

419 Maria June 21, 2011 at 2:44 pm

My cheeks hurt from laughing.

420 jmrcmama June 21, 2011 at 2:44 pm

OMG. We seriously could b best friends!! I love it!!

421 A Vapid Blonde June 21, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Comments 285-288 are pure perfection. On your part Jenny!

And #296 Too hot for words. Oh wait, I’m not actually supposed to be able to see your comment.

And who knew giant metal chickens were so controversial. It’s probably because the chicken is transgendered or festering or something.
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422 Melissa June 21, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Huh, so that’s what year 15 anniversary gift is. A giant cock.

423 allconsuming June 21, 2011 at 4:20 pm

I don’t mean to be a stickler for anatomical correctness, but right there you have a giant rooster, cockerel or indeed, cock.

It seems even more appropriate.

424 Laura June 21, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Holy shit you are freaking hilarious. Be my friend, please.
http://lauragoesirish.blogspot.com
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425 Not Evelyn June 21, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Actually, my neighbor has two enormous plastic chicken heads in his yard ! I think they are over 5 feet tall, too! Not sure why they are there or where they came from (a restaurant? a holiday parade float?) but they have been there for months! And we are not in Texas!

426 Dana June 21, 2011 at 4:32 pm

LOVE THIS!!! :)
LilFamilyBlog.com

427 Carla (@chickmae) June 21, 2011 at 4:35 pm

I was laughing to myself in my car thinking about the picture of the giant rooster at the door and it’s caption. “Knock-knock, motherfucker!”
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428 wyngrrrl June 21, 2011 at 4:41 pm

This so beats my sitting in silence fuming at Ty when he asked me why I was throwing attitude to look at him, petulantly, and say, “Don’t talk to me like I’m a child.” Next time I’m going to purchase something that gets my point across in a more succinct way. Like a Giant Chicken. I aspire to be as awesomely able to communicate as you my dear interweb friend.

429 Shelley June 21, 2011 at 4:41 pm

This marriage will last forever. (I’m a writer, so I know.)
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430 Helen June 21, 2011 at 4:41 pm
431 Anonymous June 21, 2011 at 4:42 pm

You need hardcore therapy

432 Molly June 21, 2011 at 4:46 pm

I think i love you..

433 Rachel June 21, 2011 at 4:47 pm

I want to be you when I grow up.
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434 Cheryl June 21, 2011 at 4:48 pm

I considered not commenting, because I would just be reiterating just how friggin hilarious this was. I literally guffawed! Perhaps now Victor will think twice about fighting with you about something so benign as bath towels!
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435 Therese June 21, 2011 at 4:51 pm

I think of these kinds of things often, and then chicken out. You make my dreams come true in this regard. It is every bit as fantastic as I imagine. maybe next time I’ll follow through, because ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Way to go, Jenny!
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436 Cheryl June 21, 2011 at 4:51 pm

I laughed so hard I scared all 3 of my cats!

437 Ann Riordan June 21, 2011 at 4:52 pm

OMG – that was the funniest thing I have read in a loooong time! Thanks for making my day!

438 Gina June 21, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Can’t. Stop. Laughing. The tears…they burn… *giggle*
I feel for Victor, poor sap. I wouldn’t be able to keep it up like you did. I am full of admiration of you. He is sooo doomed. Hopefully he comes around so he can appreciate your twistedness again.

If Nathan, Blank, and Charlie weren’t being ironic (as the only even remotely non-I LOVE YOU comments it makes me wonder) then I sad about the lives they live. Imagine thinking that women should obey what men tell them to do. LOL. That is a path paved with 5′ metal chickens.

I would love to see the world through your eyes. Just thinking “knock knock motherfucker” sends me into giggles again. Thank you!

439 Kelli June 21, 2011 at 4:56 pm

I’ve never read your blog before and totally stumbled on it from someones facebook post. I NEVER, EVER laugh out loud while in a room by myself. I can tell you, it’s not a good time to start that practice while you’re at work…with an office full of people. And when the owner came in and I was laughing so hard tears were streaming down my face….probably saying “knock-knock motherfucker” when she asked me what the hell was wrong with me could have gone in a bad direction. Thankfully, she read your blog post too and laughed with me. Thank you so much for helping me laugh out loud and indirectly managing to keep me employed. :)

440 Stephanie McGregor June 21, 2011 at 4:56 pm

I wish you were my WIFE and not in a lesbian way, unless you insisted, I FREAKING LOVE YOU and wish I had that 5 foot CHICKEN!

441 Nate June 21, 2011 at 4:58 pm

This should go in a blog on how to ruin a marriage….

442 Dawn Marie June 21, 2011 at 4:58 pm

I love it!
My mother always told me to pick my battles, but she was never very specific as to how to go about them, this is a perfect example. :) I will never look at towels, or roosters, the same again.
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443 SunDriedrainbow June 21, 2011 at 5:01 pm

To commentor #414 and Jenny:

This is the best example of Internet debate I have ever seen. Thank you both for taking a moment to put aside whatever knee jerk reaction you may have had and actually communicate what you think in a way that is not hateful, and for actually listening to what others say. I have been in some online communities made up of people who claim they are “social justice defenders” or “defenders of the marginalized” who treat everyone who disagrees with them as STUPID and EVIL and I hate it.

You are why I keep coming back to the Internet. Thanks.

444 Miss Jenny J. June 21, 2011 at 5:01 pm

I can’t decide if 414 is joking or being serious…either way, bravo Wordy! That was bloody hilarious!
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445 Katie June 21, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Seriously, the most awesome thing EVER! You need to start a service where you charge people to put the giant, metal cock on their door step to surprise their housemates.
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446 Alison June 21, 2011 at 5:04 pm

I may or may not have rescued a 4 foot tall black jaguar hand-painted piggy bank from the garbage room in my apartment building a few years ago. I also may or may not have placed it in the living room I shared with my often cranky roomate. Long story short, she hated Carlos (and I’m pretty sure I saw him shooting her a dirty look more than once), and he often sat on the chair next to me at the dining room table, I dressed him up for birthday parties, and he made the trip home for Christmas and I insisted he have the front seat and I took the back.

It never got old. And then one day she had company over and I relented and let her move him to the porch in the middle of a windstorm.

RIP, Carlos.

447 Patti June 21, 2011 at 5:04 pm

You had me at “This chicken has a shiv.” Say hello to your newest stalker.

:)

448 Michale June 21, 2011 at 5:05 pm

This post is fantastic! My husband laughed so hard at it that he startled our cat. Although if my tiny yard ends up with a giant, metal, chicken, it will be because of you.

Though I pity anybody who thinks a giant metal chicken could cause a divorce. The strongest marrages I’ve seen always have a good bit of play and a sense of humor on both sides. So by that rule, your marrage may last forever.

449 Paxochka June 21, 2011 at 5:07 pm

You are officially metal chicken awesome and if Victor doesn’t love you anymore, I do.

450 magdalena June 21, 2011 at 5:07 pm

God, I love you. My grandma just passed away this weekend and i really needed the laugh!!

Ps: That chicken is FUCKING AWSOME!!! I wish i had a chicken that was taller than me.

pps: everybody could use a 5 ft cock once in a while.

451 Stephanie McGregor June 21, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Sorry So Wordy = shouldn’t she be in a 3rd world country where she has no access to internet or clean water for that matter, helping someone herself instead of trying to read a hilarious blog! I am always curious when people make suggestions with MY money especially when they don’t do the research to find out where I already donate! I want send her a Bible, John 8:7 But when they continued asking him, he looked up and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him throw the first stone at her.” Also a 12 foot COCK, chicken whatever . . . just had to be said!

452 Sidney June 21, 2011 at 5:08 pm

“Ridiculous Chicken” shall be my stripper name for the day. Of course, I will add an extra “L” and donate my twenties to charity.
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453 Cheryl June 21, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Haha! I just read it again, and guffawed again! It’s the line about a really drunk lady being the only person who bought one. Haha, it takes me back to a time my sister and I would shop at our favorite pottery place. They’re no longer in business, but damn we found some great and weird stuff there (stuff only drunk ladies would buy!)

I’m definitely subscribing to your blog!
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454 Sidney June 21, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Irony between your title and clueless reactions = priceless.
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455 Bob Costas June 21, 2011 at 5:11 pm

I guarantee you will be divorced within 5 years.

Neither of you gives two shits about the other.

A sense of humor is wonderful. Using it as a tool to mock your partner? Well, it might be funny, but it sure don’t make a healthy marriage.

456 Mrs. Mustache June 21, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Jenny, I’ve got to wonder if Red/ Blank/Crazies coming out of the woodwork all have the same IP address. Or if they are targeted spam to “Keep down the bitches. They be gettin uppity ideas” The comments are remarkably similar!
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457 Entertained June 21, 2011 at 5:14 pm

I tried to write Charlie Red a love letter on his blog, but he’s turned the comments on his blog off…which is funny cause he’s accused you of filtering yours… silly Charlie!

458 Kernut the Blond June 21, 2011 at 5:14 pm

OMG. Woman, I love you! You an the commenters have me in stitches!

It was also wonderful to read your response to the polite detractor (#414). I’m glad to know Victor has a sense of humor like yours. I may have asked this before, but does Victor have a single brother? One who likes crazy blonds?

I wish I lived nearby so you could cheer me up by leaving a giant metal cock* on my doorstep. (does not necessarily have to look like a chicken)
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459 Doreen June 21, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Victor needs to relax. LOL Way too funny.
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460 Walkingborder (Karen) June 21, 2011 at 5:15 pm

What’s baffling to me is that I linked to this post on my fb and some of the most conservative (and closed minded) people I know read it and found it HILARIOUS. So who does that leave to post hateful comments? The open minded love it, the closed minded love it. Wait, the no-minded? Is that who is being so hateful?

461 Walkingborder (Karen) June 21, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Oh, and after 15 years… with all the antics you’ve pulled, if Victor were going to leave you, it would have happened long ago.

462 Rick June 21, 2011 at 5:19 pm

My wife came back from a trip with a 750 pound concrete life-size deer that took 6 men and a hernia to move to our back yard. Every once in a while one of the dogs notices it nestled amongst the yews and growls at it. I would have loved the metal chicken, especially after he rang the doorbell. But this never would have happened in our house – I’m the one always being told “don’t buy any more towels.” Seriously, help me out here – some of them are threadbare, holey and shredding because they were wedding gifts from 32 years ago. We NEED new towels! Even hot pink ones.

463 Sheridan June 21, 2011 at 5:21 pm

This is the first time I have read your blog and I am bookmarking it.. and am joining in the group who really, REALLY wants one of those chickens.
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464 Suebob June 21, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Someone else liked comment 414 and your response, but I’m cranky enough to think he’s a mansplainer:
http://karenhealey.livejournal.com/781085.html
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465 Kristin June 21, 2011 at 5:25 pm

Is the chicken made of tin? Because 15 years is tin. Just sayin’…
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466 Cyn/fairiesnest June 21, 2011 at 5:26 pm

You my dear are the most awesome thing on the internet. My son just said, “Mom must be reading The Bloggess ’cause she’s laughing so hard she’s snorting.” Please do not ever change.
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467 Angel Hernandez June 21, 2011 at 5:26 pm

A friend shared this with me and I have never laughed so hard!! Way to go! Btw….I love the chicken! ;)

468 Mark June 21, 2011 at 5:27 pm

You know, I probably should have been more tollerant with my Ex. She wasn’t so bad after all. Could have been a lot worse.

469 Sarah W June 21, 2011 at 5:28 pm

I have laughed so much at this tonight, thank you! My hubby (having already read this when I showed him) could hear me muttering under my breath ‘When can I get hold of this…’ (Meaning some pen nibs) and shouted “YOU ARE NOT HAVING A 5FT METAL BLOODY CHICKEN!” He’s just so mean!

470 Elisa June 21, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Wow. I wish I had read this at the beginning of the day so my entire day would have been awesome.
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471 Laurie@Food is Love June 21, 2011 at 5:30 pm

hahahahahahahahahahahahah I can’t…stop laaaauuuuggghhhiinggg!!! The next time I start to have a “debate” I will think Beyonce!!! Thank you so much for the laugh!
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472 N8 June 21, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Okay, seriously. If I had a cock that looked like that, I’d be seeking serious medical attention, and a write up in two medical journals, and maybe even an above the fold mention on msn.com!

473 Heather Heartless June 21, 2011 at 5:33 pm

I feel so left out. No one is ever offended over my giant cock enough to complain on my blog about it. And I so wanted complete strangers with absolutely no grasp of context to pick meaningless fights with me about blocking comments when all of their comments are blocked. Dammit, Janet.

Am I the only one thinking that hot pink towels embossed with giant cocks and “Knock knock, mother fucker” would be an amazing compromise?
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474 Melly June 21, 2011 at 5:38 pm

I found this to be petty, immature, and inane. Obviously there is a sense of entitlement going on if you value your stuff more than you value your relationship with the people around you. Maybe I don’t know you well enough, but through the whole story I found myself siding with the husband. It was not funny. It was wastefully and pointless. Grow up.

475 vanessa June 21, 2011 at 5:39 pm

I used to be married to someone like Victor and thought things like the chicken were hilarious. Now I’m with someone much nicer. We have lots of towels, no 5-foot-tall chickens, and I don’t miss it a bit.

476 Earthami June 21, 2011 at 5:40 pm

I have been having a crappy, fight with medical facilities kind of day and you made me laugh for the first time. Thank you.

477 Emily @ One Sweet Vegan June 21, 2011 at 5:41 pm

I LOVE this! I’m keeping that in mind for my 15 year anniversary! :-)

478 Paul June 21, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Jenny, you’re the best thing on the internet.

(not including porn)

479 Busted Kate June 21, 2011 at 5:42 pm

I feel so empowered by this post.

You see, a couple of weeks ago I desired STRONGLY to buy a huge penis pinata and name him Chauncey: http://www.thebirdflipper.com/2011/05/i-made-penis-cookies-lets-just-start.html

And I imagined we’d have grand adventures around town, me and him at the drive-in, the two of us sharing a sundae, maybe checking in to the No-Tel Motel (yes, we really have one of those in Tucson, SAY WHAT?).

And my husband said, you don’t need to spend $50 on a penis pinata when we have diapers to buy.

But you know what? Fuck him, I’m gonna do it. And have a 3 foot penis pinata ring our doorbell.

Cuz that’s how I roll. Thank you, Jenny, for empowering my penis pinata purchase.

And #414… Bless your heart. (Gently pats your head, then patronizingly rubs your cheek). You’re adorable.
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480 Anne June 21, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Fabulous business idea, I have moms lining up to work for my new “Chicken Delivery Service.” I think we need to buy a flock of these chickens and deliver them all over Oahu!! We have a truck, my tetanus shot is current, and I have a decent pair of running shoes that will be put to great use running from the doorbell chime.

If the giant metal chickens run short, we can hire someone to catch live, wild chickens and deliver them in boxes of say – 40?

And by the way, my husband laughed and agreed that this is something I would easily do. That is why I am nominating you for the “Marriage blog of the year award.” Classic.

481 Janeen June 21, 2011 at 5:45 pm

still coming back to a) reread the blog; b) crack myself up reading “knock knock motherfucker” over and over again; c) to see what hill billy joe bob comment is coming next!
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482 Johanna June 21, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Thank you for this story. And I definitely think you need to sell some cards with the “Knock knock, motherfuckers” picture in your store for people to put up on their doors. Though I’d also offer the caption “No solicitors, please.” Also possibly a “This Chicken Will Cut You” t-shirt. I’d take bets that they’d pay for Beyonce themselves, and possibly also some towels.

On the subject of transgendered chickens, I submit for your consideration the University of Delaware mascot, YouDee, the Fightin’ Blue Hen. My understanding was that a hen was a female chicken, but YouDee is clearly male-identified, and is referred to using male pronouns. http://www.udel.edu/youdee/index.html

Finally, it’s clear to me that those who take issue with this situation have clear ideas about traditional gender roles, especially with respect to the earning and spending of money. Admittedly, the ability to purchase a $100 big metal chicken as an anniversary gift without consulting one’s spouse is a luxury not affordable to many Americans in the current economic climate, but since we live in an aspirational society where everyone at least *wishes* she or he could spend a discretionary $100 on a big metal chicken, I say even the impoverished should salute you, because laughter is good for the soul, and free.

483 Melly June 21, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Karen posted: The open minded love it, the closed minded love it. Wait, the no-minded? Is that who is being so hateful?

I have to answer, it isn’t about being open or closed minded, it is about where you are in your particular point in life. People who have money to burn, resources, and time are the ones who will enjoy this and maybe find the humor somewhere. If you are like me where we are struggling, living on a budget so tight that sometimes there is not enough for food, and have had to give up luxuries such as new towels than you can see where fighting over finances or spending $100 in order to make your husband mad does not sound funny. I am sure that in 10 years we will find this funny, but now, it just seems wasteful.

484 Busted Kate June 21, 2011 at 5:49 pm

This post empowers me.

You see, a few weeks ago I really really wanted to purchase a 3 foot tall pink penis pinata…

…and name him Chauncey: http://www.thebirdflipper.com/2011/05/i-made-penis-cookies-lets-just-start.html

I imagined us going around town together… sitting head to (ahem) head watching a movie, sharing a sundae, maybe slipping into the No-Tel Motel together (yes Tucson actually has one of those, SAY WHAT?)

And my husband said, you don’t need a penis pinata… NO ONE needs a penis pinata. I said, how do you know that unless we get one? It might become indispensable.

Thanks to this post, I say FUCK ‘EM. I’m getting Chauncey. And we’ll be blissfully happy together.

To #414: Bless your lil’ heart ((Pats head, patronizingly rubs your cheek)… you’re adorable. Clearly you’re new here.

Someone issue her some Judy Garland trail mix.
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485 Bat Cave Twidget June 21, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Other commenters want a giant metal rooster but I *need* a giant metal rooster. I do. Out here on My Side Of The Mountain, NC people put life sized Jesus statues in their front yards and dress them in robes & capes. Purple capes, black robes, haven’t seen a Superman cape yet. Check it out: http://picplz.com/user/jessica1011/pic/6td4t/

I need a big ass metal rooster to put in my front yard and dress in a Superman cape so I can keep up with my hillbilly Joneses neighbors. Can you picture a big old metal rooster getting his Jesus Cape on in my front yard?
http://picplz.com/user/jessica1011/pic/gkxf7/

Also, does anybody else find themselves trying really hard to click Like for 92.8% of these comments? Anybody?
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486 Caetb June 21, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Wait!!!! I accidentally hit ‘Done’ and I wasn’t!
Third – comedy is her job, therefore giant chickens are a business expense (Seriously? I need a jOb like that). And Jenny also uses her powers for good and organized one o the most amaIng charity events I have ever witnessed or participated in.
She IS better than Morher Theresa; she didn’t seem to have any sense of humor….
Rock on, Jenny, rock on.

487 Cymphony June 21, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Ahhhh…lighten up baby, I am in love with you! So damn funny; the men’s comments…they dont have a clue about the time you two acted like you had a meth lab one morn while at the convenience store in your pajamas!! That was too damn funny as well! Love, love, love it!

488 Jeff June 21, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Reminds me of this….

http://www.maniacworld.com/law-and-order-with-chickens.html

Bok bok… bleah..

489 Karen June 21, 2011 at 6:13 pm

It makes me feel weird when you’re serious, Jenny.
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490 procomicdiva June 21, 2011 at 6:14 pm

My Anniversary is in august how the fuck am i supposed to top that? lololololol I’m buying frick n towels!!!!
sighhhhhh!!!!!! Sounds like we are married to the same man !!!!

491 Lindsey June 21, 2011 at 6:15 pm

Oh my God.
Good luck beating that for your sixteenth.
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492 Kristina @ spabettie June 21, 2011 at 6:16 pm

“that’s like $200 worth of chicken for free” – so awesome.

thank you, I needed this laugh today. I am still laughing. I need a 5 foot tin chicken.
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493 Catherine June 21, 2011 at 6:17 pm

This blog post made me laugh harder than I have in a really long time. That picture was friggin’ priceless. Thanks for making my day with this one :)
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494 Anonymous June 21, 2011 at 6:17 pm

So now Beyonce should, naturally, be a place to hang the beach towels.

495 Diana June 21, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Is it wrong that I read comment #363 as that she was tired of buying her husband *whales*? I thought she was trying to outdo you like, “Oh, you think giant anniversary cocks are cool? Well, I’ve bought my husband anniversary *whales*!”

Damn, I’d buy giant cocks and whales if I had the money! You rock, girl!
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496 The Hubby Diaries June 21, 2011 at 6:22 pm

The only thing that could possibly rival this ….. is the purchase of a 5 ft tall egg.
And then, once and for all, we could answer the question of which came first. Obviously it was the chicken.
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497 The ZB June 21, 2011 at 6:23 pm

Thank you for this. Who knew a picture of a giant metal chicken named Beyonce standing menacingly at your front door was exactly what I needed to see? I showed this to my husband as a warning… Then again, I *have* brought home a hat that looks like a panda bear. (Panda’s name is Mortimer. Let’s face it, he’s no Beyonce.)
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498 Jess June 21, 2011 at 6:24 pm

So I read this to my hubby because I so could have done it and he laughter until he cried which he hasn’t done in forever..we own our own construction company…..so the post was like charity and therapy rolled up together. You ROCK!!!

499 Leah June 21, 2011 at 6:28 pm

You are freaking HILARIOUS. We need to be friends.

500 Laura June 21, 2011 at 6:28 pm

A woman after my own heart! Best laugh all day!!!
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501 Random June 21, 2011 at 6:29 pm

You have the best husband. Your husband has the best wife. :)

I want to be you when I grow up, except I want my own Victor. And chicken.

502 Karen June 21, 2011 at 6:29 pm

I simply MUST know where you procured this enormous fowl!!! Please, Bloggess, I beg you – the name of the Giant Chicken Emporium…..there are long-running ( I’m talkin’ years here) chicken jokes at my office – I would be the biggest hero if I showed up with this!!!

503 Grumpy Fat Crab June 21, 2011 at 6:32 pm

Having a crap day at work and you suceeded in making me snort into my coffee – Thank you. If Victor will pitch in the cash you can ship it to OZ and Beyonce can live with me in the Crab Shack by the beach, it would be like his retirement. I promise to send Victor picture of Beyonces new life. xx Grumpy Fat Crab

504 Debra June 21, 2011 at 6:32 pm

I cannot thank you enough for this post and the joy that it has brought to my day. I flipped the link to my BFF this morning with the (totally serious) tagline “If this is marriage, I am IN”. As a result of the ensuing IM conversation she is compelled to buy a tiny chicken and put it somewhere prominent in her house. She will not disclose the meaning of the chicken to her husband (who just won’t get it) but it will be an unending source of amusement for her and I. Thanks for letting us share this. Also, I may need to make the “Knock-knock motherfucker” photo my screensaver.

505 Emily June 21, 2011 at 6:34 pm

TEARS from laughing so hard. My husband is coming over to see why I’m laughing out loud. That is so great.

506 Kate June 21, 2011 at 6:37 pm

I think I just peed myself a little. Best. Present. Ever!!!
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507 Gordon June 21, 2011 at 6:38 pm

Not only does it scare your ordinary garden snakes, I’ll be willing to bet you’ll never see a basilisk, either.

508 Christina Corneau June 21, 2011 at 6:38 pm

laughed so hard i have tears!! AWESOMENESS!!!!!!!

509 Allison June 21, 2011 at 6:44 pm

I just shared this on facebook I was laughing so hard. It totally sounds like something I would do!
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510 Jack shiite June 21, 2011 at 6:48 pm

Must be nice to be a stupid asshole with hundreds of dollars of someone else’s money.

511 Robin June 21, 2011 at 6:53 pm

Oh my god!!!! This is so funny and reminds me of my husband. Today is our 20th and I’m really pissed that I didn’t get him a giant chicken!

512 Nobody June 21, 2011 at 6:53 pm

i know my comment is just one out of OVER 500… but this was too funny not to say something.

i absolutely adore this post. i laughed so hard i cried. and then i shared it with my own husband, so maybe he can learn the perspective thing without actually having to go through it himself….
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513 maggie June 21, 2011 at 6:54 pm

This is the most hilarious piece I have ever read…. thank you Jenny for writing and sharing this post…
“Knock knock motherf***ker…”
you are awesome.
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514 SarcasminAction June 21, 2011 at 6:54 pm

Melly dear, I think you’ve found yourself at the wrong blog.
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515 AshleyLynn June 21, 2011 at 6:54 pm

This is absolutely delightful. It had me in tears I was laughing so hard.

15 years is supposed to be watches for an anniversary gift, you should try and find a watch with a chicken on it. His head might actually explode if you do, thought.

516 sparkly jules June 21, 2011 at 6:56 pm

When you rang the door and ran, leaving the chicken, AND had a photo, I snorted coffee out of my nose. OMG, good stuff. Happy metal chicken anniversary!!!

Jules
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517 Lena June 21, 2011 at 6:58 pm

I tell my boyfriend almost every day that reading your blog is looking into the future of our relationship. (I have anxiety issues, and Boyfriend’s copes and loves me anyway. Although to be fair, I don’t have anxiety wigs, I just change my hair color every time I feel like giving up and hiding behind the faux logs in my non-functional gas-free gas fireplace with my bottle of Xanax.)

Anyway, he took my laptop when I couldn’t stop laughing after 5 minutes of re-reading this and, after reading Victor’s reaction to the epic doorbell ditching, I think he’s finally beginning to understand.

Thank you for providing us with literary time travel.

518 Jack shiite June 21, 2011 at 6:58 pm

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?

Your didn’t get your way when you wanted something, so you acted out of spite and spent a pantload of his money just to get revenge on him? What kind of childish retard ARE you?

You’re the reason thousands of women every year are beaten to death by their husbands.

519 Mandy June 21, 2011 at 6:58 pm

That is one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. I need that. My husband would be ecstatic. I’m sure of it. ;)

520 Stacey June 21, 2011 at 7:01 pm

When I got to the picture of Beyoncé at your front door, I completely lost it. Priceless. I’m disappointed Victor didn’t have a more amusing reaction.
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521 Suniverse June 21, 2011 at 7:01 pm

I am more in love with you right now than I thought possible.

I am dying every time I scroll back up to see that chicken at the front door. Brilliant.

Thank you for being you.
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522 Michelle June 21, 2011 at 7:03 pm

I can’t believe how this made me laugh. My husband the whole time looking at me like I have finally gone round the bend so to speak. If I weren’t terrified of chickens I would so go out and buy one. I will definitely be on the look out for a 5 ft animal of some variety though.

Thank you I almost wet my pants laughing at this.

523 Rachael June 21, 2011 at 7:03 pm

He should totally count his blessings. You COULD have come home with several gallons of Pepto-Bismol pink paint to redecorate the bathroom, since you now need it to coordinate with pink beach towels.
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524 Andrew June 21, 2011 at 7:08 pm
525 Mary June 21, 2011 at 7:08 pm

This was truly hilarious, as per usual. I love how you owned the humorless visitors. I also think that may have been the real Bob Costas (454) as he said “it sure don’t make a healthy marriage”. That type of grammar kills me.
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526 Diane {Hershey Boudoir Photography} June 21, 2011 at 7:18 pm

Oh my gosh. I haven’t had tears from laughing in a REALLY long time….but I sure do now! THANK YOU!!!!! Hope you have a fabulous “actual” anniversary day! :)
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527 Amanda June 21, 2011 at 7:20 pm

This seriously may be the funniest thing I’ve ever read, plus I can totally picture my bff and I having this same day. Wonderful! Thanks for sharing with us all.

528 Lynnlea Anderson June 21, 2011 at 7:23 pm

By the time I was finished reading this, I had tears streaming down my face as I laughed hysterically. This, in turn, caused my husband, my son and my dog to come rushing into the office to find out if I was okay. Thank you so much for sharing this hilarious and yet, poignant story about how we, as women, can get around just about any directive our husbands give to us. I’m off to find my own “chicken” for an upcoming anniversary…:)

529 Jules June 21, 2011 at 7:28 pm

Oh my God, I think you killed me. I laughed so hard that I fell of the couch and hit my head. My brain is probably swelling right now and I will be dead in a couple of hours, but it was totally worth it. If I don’t die I will be laughing for weeks whenever I see something even remotely chicken-related.

I love you (and Victor) so much, but I think I might love Beyonce more.

And who linked this post to the self-help forum of people with sticks up their asses? Or is it the same humor-challenged person posting all over again? Dude, whoever you are, go somewhere else. I’d tell you to go read up on Victor before you get your panties in a bunch, but I don’t think you’re *really* worried about Jenny’s marriage.

530 Annadanna (from Canada) June 21, 2011 at 7:29 pm

Hubby sometimes gets annoyed with my blogging and blog-reading (he just doesn’t get it, as much as he tries, the poor dear), but I showed him this post and he thought it was GENIUS. The picture is hilarious, and now he’s quoting “knock knock motherfucker” every few minutes.

AND THEN I showed him the negative comments (and your perfect responses) and he got his back up and all defensive of you! So cute.

Just thought you might like to know that even people who aren’t necessarily as in love with you as I am agree with your logic on this one. It’s a hilarious post and it made hundreds of people very happy. Including the two of us. Bravo!

xo
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531 Mia Watts June 21, 2011 at 7:31 pm

Props to you Jenny! I’m betting that any man you’d marry, HAS to have an awesome sense of humor. When you two are old and gray, you’ll look back on rusted out Beyonce and laugh. I think Victor may not want to admit that he thinks it’s pretty hilarious too.

532 Tina Ihas June 21, 2011 at 7:31 pm

OMG!! I so need to find myself a giant chicken to try get my “Victor” to laugh!!! That is hilarious!

533 cath c June 21, 2011 at 7:33 pm

just absolutely perfect. my husband was yelling, ‘you better explain what your laughing about, or stop laughing so loud!’

534 Sabrina June 21, 2011 at 7:34 pm

Two words. YOU ROCK!

That has to be the funniest thing I have seen in a long time. First time visitor to your blog, brought by a link on Facebook. And at this very moment, I too would be more than willing to send $1 and a towel.

With a cock on it, of course!

535 Lina barragan-armendariz June 21, 2011 at 7:34 pm

I cant stop laughing:)

536 Nicole The Intern June 21, 2011 at 7:35 pm

15 years ago, Victor liked it so he put a ring on it.

Now, he gets Beyoncé.

That’s some ironic cockiversary beauty right there.

537 Krista June 21, 2011 at 7:37 pm

Thanks so much for making my day! I sent this to my husband with a note about how lucky he is – he laughed like hell. And reading the comments here reminded me how lucky *I* am – I’m soooo glad I’m not married to one of these humorless men.

538 Dawn June 21, 2011 at 7:38 pm

This made me do several genuine LOLs! I like your style!

539 Amy June 21, 2011 at 7:39 pm

My husband is still using towels we got for our wedding in 1981. I have moved on to new ones, but not he. Guys must have a thing about towels.

On the main drag in Kerrville, I saw a place that sells the 3-D giant Texas stars that can pose in your front yard. You need one to match the chicken.

What, are you in a subdivision with rules against putting chickens in the front yard? You could decorate it for every holiday. I used to have a neighbor with a cement goose on her doorstep that had a new costume for every occasion. More creative family fun embodied in a metal chicken.

I am linking to this post on Facebook because I simply can’t keep it to myself.
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540 Sharon Arsenault June 21, 2011 at 7:39 pm

Bloggess (Jenny) Please don’t let any of the self proclaimed therapists standing on thier rickety soapboxes ruin the genius behind your posts(s), Your humor makes the day for thousands and thousands of readers. I know, I am one of them. We are all here to follow you and your random silliness by choice. If there is a negative opinion regarding your antics, then those who are so free with thier meanness should follow there own therapeutic advice and wash thier own windows before they peer into yours. I love what you post. And I love how you unselfishly share the humor, connections and relationships of your personal life with us. You are brilliant, and fun and an individual and I shudder to think that the uninvited mean spiritedness would bring you anything but a tongue in cheek reason to keep us all laughing all the more. : )

541 Shari June 21, 2011 at 7:41 pm

I love it. I am laughing so hard I have tears running down my face and my husband is looking at me like I am crazy. I could so see me doing this. Hell I probably have. :)

542 Melissa June 21, 2011 at 7:43 pm

My friend just shared this link on Facebook with me and now I’m hooked to your blog. All because of Beyonce. You are awesome! Happy Anniversary!

543 Christine June 21, 2011 at 7:48 pm

OMG – you totally made my day! I sooo needed that laugh – absolutely awesome!

544 Mike June 21, 2011 at 7:48 pm

Absolutely HYSTERICAL!!!!

545 Angi June 21, 2011 at 7:50 pm

That is fricken awesome!!!

546 Katie June 21, 2011 at 7:53 pm

I just read this out loud to my husband… twice because I was laughing so hard he couldn’t understand me the first time. Totally awesome.

547 Greg Z June 21, 2011 at 7:53 pm

You women are all f’ing crazy but we men somehow still love you! Bitches!

548 Pipi June 21, 2011 at 7:54 pm

Geez Jenny, how dare you waste your husband’s moneyy… blah blah blah Obviously some don’t realize that women are allowed to work and earn their own these days. I’ve reread this several times today. Keep brightening the world one blog entry at a time! You’re awesome again!

549 sophie June 21, 2011 at 8:02 pm

jack Shiite #516–I really tried not to respond to this, but I have to. The reason that women get beaten to death by their husbands is because they are married to men who can’t control their anger. Nothing a woman ever does EARNS being beaten–much less to death. Please, please go to some anger management classes.
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550 Springmom June 21, 2011 at 8:07 pm

And his reaction is exactly why I’m single. Happily raising my daughter and there is no one to tell me how I can or can’t spend MY money. It’s mine, I make it, so I spend it. :p

551 Oldman June 21, 2011 at 8:08 pm

Nathan, blank, all the obviously oblivious hate trolls are the same person. Semantic and syntactic analysis are concise methods for determining authorship. This is a deeply disturbed personality that seethes with hatred at your universal approval and popularity as he/she sits sipping at a glass of room temperature vinegar and water.

552 Laura June 21, 2011 at 8:09 pm

This is the funniest thing I have ever read. EVER. And here I thought there would never be a way I would actually love Beyonce!

553 Summer @ Banana Hammocks & Tutus June 21, 2011 at 8:10 pm

This is phenomenal. I laughed my large ass off. Completely gone. Knock Knock Motherfucker HAHAHHAHAAAA!!!!
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554 Anonymous June 21, 2011 at 8:12 pm

Funniest shit i have ever read!!!

555 addie June 21, 2011 at 8:13 pm

This is hilarious, but I have to admit, if money was remotely tight I wouldn’t spend a hundred bucks on a giant metal chicken….given that it’d probably end up at a thrift store for way less money eventually.

<3

556 Katie lyn June 21, 2011 at 8:15 pm

THANK YOU for this!!! Christmas… Beyonce needs lights and his own tree!!!

congrats on 15 years of wedded bliss :) Too bad Victor can’t take a joke.

No one is home right now, but I literally sat on my couch reading this with tears in my eyes! Thank you for making my day, month and year!!!

557 Major Bedhead June 21, 2011 at 8:17 pm

I know I’m, like, the 870bajillionth person to comment, but ohmahholyhell, this made me howl & snort & cackle & other bodily functions that I shall not mention.

558 Rachel June 21, 2011 at 8:17 pm

Did you know that your 16th anniversary is, in fact, towels with giant chickens printed on them? It is incredibly convenient, really.

559 Jaci June 21, 2011 at 8:18 pm

You have a new subscriber now (me), thanks for the laugh!
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560 Katie June 21, 2011 at 8:24 pm

You. Are. Hilarious. And you need to come visit San Antonio. My friends and I would welcome you with open wings.

561 Phaffie June 21, 2011 at 8:24 pm

That’s cock of the walk right there!

562 Jennifer June 21, 2011 at 9:00 pm

OMG…pure genius once again. I have to say, I was reading this while sitting on the couch and the hubz is trying to watch The Voice. I cracked up laughing…almost to tears…and got a look like I have 3 horns sticking out of my head. I didn’t even try to explain. He doesn’t understand to awesomeness that is James Garfield, so clearly he would not begin to understand something like a 5 ft metal chicken named Beyonce. I think Victor secretly loves Beyonce and is just pissed he didn’t spot her first. Of course he loves the new view from his only window. We need a pic of said view!

Jen

563 Boggled June 21, 2011 at 10:31 pm

I hope you also gave him the best BJ of his life, because I don’t know how he puts up with you otherwise.

564 Gretchen June 21, 2011 at 10:44 pm

Ok, totally cannot stop laughing now!!! I’m gonna be giggling for the next week… and every time I see a chicken in the near future! AWESOME! YOU ROCK!

565 Tony Hunt June 21, 2011 at 10:50 pm

Dear Jenny,

I would just like to congratulate you on the 16th anniversary of my efforts on trying to comment today. If you need to beat of HostGator, I know some people ;)

…and of course I am thanking you for these awesome words, to which I was woken up by this fine morning ;)

“Knock Knock Motherfucker!”

Love at ya!

Tony
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566 Adriana_G June 21, 2011 at 10:51 pm

Laughed so hard – and that was before I saw the photos of Beyonce, the 5 ft chicken – hilarious! Victor is a very lucky man!
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567 Lori B June 21, 2011 at 10:55 pm

1. best. revenge. ever.
2. I think I have just found the in-laws’ Christmas gift
3. I am totally forwarding this to my husband as a warning
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568 Melanie June 21, 2011 at 10:55 pm

I’ve been wanting to say ‘knock knock motherfucker’ to someone all day, and haven’t yet found the right opportunity (it’s still early). Anyway, I randomly came across this http://www.houstontech.org/photos/28/in/2/

You’re so tall! Love x

569 Alima June 21, 2011 at 10:59 pm

HI.LA.RIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

570 flutter June 21, 2011 at 11:06 pm

omfg. Jenny.

571 Unfancynancy June 21, 2011 at 11:16 pm

I don’t think I have ever laughed so damn hard in my life. Every single step of that story is so FUNNY!! I have read it 10 times today!

572 Heather Georger, Austin Photographer June 21, 2011 at 11:26 pm

Freaking HYSTERICAL!!!!! LOVED reading this!

573 Jane June 21, 2011 at 11:34 pm

I just love it!!! Laughed out loud until tears streamed down my face :-) )

574 Caitlin June 21, 2011 at 11:36 pm

You just made my day. Thanks Victor for being Victor. Thanks Laura for taking you shopping and knowing you well enough to know you needed a 5 ft chicken. And, thank YOU for blogging the best laugh of my day!

575 Jessalee June 21, 2011 at 11:37 pm

Wow. Cock-gate 2011. I love it!

And who knew whimsy could be so controversial?

576 WhitneyD June 21, 2011 at 11:44 pm

I’ve been laughing on and off for the last 20 minutes. First from the post… and now because of the sad deluded men who really seem to think they know everything about someone based off a blog post. Yikes guys, I think you need to realize that women are entitled to free thought. And yes, spending money on a giant metal chicken now and then. If it had actually been a big deal, odds are, it wouldn’t still be in the yard.

Also: Giant Metal Chicken for 15 years? WAY better than crystal or watches.
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577 BJ June 21, 2011 at 11:46 pm

Nice… two years ago my girlfriend made this “amazing” find at a yard sale – a basket of glass rods. The woman selling them was an amateur glass-blower, and these were the practice pieces or excess or some other unwanted by-product of her hobby. I was on the other end of the driveway, inspecting something completely useful and practical, like a pile of 1983 Star Wars comics, so I didn’t hear what she told my girlfriend, but next thing I know I’m $10 poorer and schlepping this 30lb basket of glass rods to the car. “When i organize the study, I can decorate it with the glass,” she assured me. I tried to point out that she knew nothing about decorating with glass, this just was the leftovers from *real* glass decorations, and the study was never going to be organized if she kept moving in this crap she found at yard sales. No luck. Twenty four months later, the study is still a mess, and we have 30lbs of glass rods still sitting on the floor. Well, beats a metal chicken.

578 Tess June 21, 2011 at 11:51 pm

Not so much related to Beyonce the chicken but who doesn’t love good taxidermy… huh? http://www.stuff.co.nz/oddstuff/5174457/Lancasters-critters-Dead-animals-turned-to-art

579 Castlemom June 21, 2011 at 11:53 pm

Seriously, this is a horrible thing to post for a middle aged woman who’s had seven children….. laughed so hard I peed my pants.

580 Jenny the bloggess June 21, 2011 at 11:59 pm

I so love you people. Especially those of you paging down far enough to read this. You rock.

I wish you chickeny dreams, all.

581 RebeccaLK June 22, 2011 at 12:15 am

I think Victor should simmer down and invite the chicken in for a vegan dinner. Maybe beyonce could hold the camera on its beak for intimate nights. its win win.

582 Stacey June 22, 2011 at 12:18 am

I found this link to your blog on a friend’s FB page and had to read it. The crazy thing is my husband has wanted a giant metal chicken for our yard. NO KIDDING! I have been the anti-Beyonce here. Now I’m rethinking my opposition. Maybe if I agree to it, I’ll just get towels! BaaaHaaaa!

583 Cookie June 22, 2011 at 12:19 am

I need a big metal chicken, where’s my Beyonce?

584 Lady Jennie June 22, 2011 at 12:21 am

Okay this was just pure fun to read.

585 Dreich June 22, 2011 at 12:37 am

Christ that was the funniest thing I’ve read in a while.
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586 KelleBelle June 22, 2011 at 12:38 am

I should like to see a Beyonce-cam so that we can watch your chicken in situ. I would check in on that sh*t daily, yo. DAILY.

Also, I shall be on a hunt this weekend for either some rusted-ass oil drums or a ready-made chicken. I have some spray paint at home. TEXT ME WITH CHICKEN INFO!
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587 Laura June 22, 2011 at 12:59 am

A friend sent me the link to your blog this evening. OMG!! It’s 3am and every time I look at that bird at your front door I crack up. I have to stop looking now so I don’t wake the whole house up. I think it was an EXCELLENT purchase and a thoughtful anniversary gift. I’ll bet you can do some great holiday decorating with Beyonce too. I’m thinking a witch hat & cape, dress her up like Santa, you know how folks dress those dumb geese up. This is the gift that can keep on giving!!! What a hoot!

588 Robert June 22, 2011 at 1:02 am

If my lady ever did this to me, I’d just have more proof I had found the right woman to share my life with. She tolerates my insanity, I hers and somehow this crazy thing between us has been working for 15 years now as well. We are just nutty enough for each other and it sounds like you and Victor are the same. When I stopped laughing and started reading comments, I had to say something from a man’s perspective… so here it is! Keep on keeping on!

As an amusing aside, I ended up here via link when I shared a gift my lovely crazy lady sent to me at my work with a friend. Big metal chickens really must be the new millenium’s 15th anniversary gift!

589 Laura June 22, 2011 at 1:02 am

I laughed my ass off while reading this. Thank you.

590 Angie June 22, 2011 at 1:10 am

“Chicken Down!” Can’t tell you how hard I laughed, thx u!!

591 Rosalind June 22, 2011 at 1:18 am

That was such a great laugh. I am new to your blog and have been working my way backwards as well as forwards because I enjoy your sense of humor so much. I think this is my second favourite post – the first one being where you had Victor take photos of you with hamburgers before you went to Japan. You are a terrific writer with a wonderful sense of comic timing. Thanks for sharing.

592 kelp lady June 22, 2011 at 1:20 am

this is why young people need counseling before getting married and having kids, and the reason we have a 50% divorce rate. She sounds like an immature spendthrift who is used to getting her own way and her husband is in a tight spot with her. He’s in trouble if he leaves or stays.

593 Lori June 22, 2011 at 1:36 am

I read this aloud to my husband just before he left on his annual mens’ camping trip to the High Sierras. He laughed his head off. However, I think there’s a really good chance he won’t retell the story to the guys. I’m totally loving this!!

594 Eustice The Sheep (aka The Nice Lady) June 22, 2011 at 1:45 am

My Tuesday Morning (where I met Eustice) has some smaller versions of those that totally BOUNCED when you touched them. It was SO hard not to buy them up so I could have a flock of bouncing chickens in my patio garden. My husband shook his head when I told him how lucky you were to find Beyonce! I am totally jealous! Can everyone send Eustice $1 so he can have one too?!

595 PatioKitty June 22, 2011 at 1:46 am

This was exactly what I needed to read this morning! I think I woke my son up with all my laughing though…but it’s so worth it LOL

596 angelica June 22, 2011 at 1:57 am

OMG if I woke up to that chicken in my doorway it would SO make my day. totally worth the money, plus, that should teach Victor to stay out your business
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597 Visty June 22, 2011 at 2:00 am

Could you have had a family of chickens, all different sizes? Will Beyonce be multiplying sometime around the holidays?
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598 Quezz June 22, 2011 at 2:08 am

When the store manager mentioned “This chicken will cut you,” all I could think was that the chicken needed to be named Bon Qui Qui.

599 joni June 22, 2011 at 2:33 am

i found this hysterical loved it

600 Melinda June 22, 2011 at 2:53 am

Brilliant! Reminds me of the rather obscure mid-1990s cartoon DuckMan. There was Duckman’s nemesis called King Chicken…Mwuhahaha…. bawk bawk…. (voiced by Tim Curry). Thank you. (from London, UK)

601 Anonymous June 22, 2011 at 3:05 am

Would it be possible to aggregate all of these responses by pro- and con- and gender?
As far as I can tell, it seems to fall out as roughly:
500 female pro-
0 female con0
75 male con-
0 male pro-

602 Vintage Whimsy June 22, 2011 at 3:28 am

Omg! This is the funniest story ever. I was literally sitting here LOLing til I cried. Hilarious. And I totally think you need to go back and buy Beyonce a friend — the only thing better than one 5′ tall chicken, is two. Ahahaha

603 Toni June 22, 2011 at 3:49 am

First time I’ve read your blog and I am in fits of laughter!!!!
ROFL ROFL ROFL

604 JM June 22, 2011 at 4:34 am

So has Victor snapped out of his fowl mood, yet?

605 Dan June 22, 2011 at 4:37 am

No wonder he’s pissed.

One small argument and you go out and blow 100 bucks on the biggest cock you can find.

(Apologies if this joke has already been done, I couldn’t be bothered going through 600 odd comments.)

606 Sunday June 22, 2011 at 4:43 am

Words cannot describe how much I needed this post today.
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607 Kristy C June 22, 2011 at 4:55 am

My 15th anniversary is next March – now that I have read this with my husband, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if I end up with a metal chicken of some description as a gift. Thank you for the laugh, it is a great story told really well

608 Anonymous June 22, 2011 at 4:58 am

ha ha ha! should have let you buy the towels :D

609 Brutalism June 22, 2011 at 5:19 am

Not only did Victor get the gift of Beyonce for your anniversary, he got the reminder that being married to you in unlike being married to anyone else. A giant, shart-edged, metal, clearance-priced reminder.

610 Kelly June 22, 2011 at 5:20 am

I must have a metal chicken in my life!! Is it the year of the rooster??? I will have to check…
This? Is awesome!
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611 Brutalism June 22, 2011 at 5:20 am

That was supposed to be sharp-edged. Though shart-edged is pretty good…
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612 Bush Babe June 22, 2011 at 5:22 am

I just read this to my husband and we both almost wet ourselves laughing. (Of course he totally understood where Victor was coming from with the whole ‘office abuse’ scene, whereas I was with you in front of the tv/hiding). This is going viral on Facebook Down Under. Just so you know.
?
BB
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613 Sharon June 22, 2011 at 5:22 am

hahahah

614 Ange June 22, 2011 at 5:48 am

I saw this post on a friend’s facebook page… now I’m a fan.

Absolutely terrific.

Poor Victor… chicken at the window.

Lucky Victor… to have such a fascinating lady around! :)

Great blog.

615 Jane Sailor June 22, 2011 at 5:49 am

Makes me want one too.

616 virginia June 22, 2011 at 5:51 am

Damn you’re funny. I’ve laughed till I cried. This is going on my FB.
V
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617 yankeemomm June 22, 2011 at 5:54 am

A very FOWL deed!

618 Janet Gamache Craig June 22, 2011 at 5:56 am

Funniest caption under the chicken at the door ever. Sounds like a day out of my own former life

619 Barbara June 22, 2011 at 6:05 am

I’m laughing out loud on the subway. People are staring at me, but I can’t stop.

620 katherine June 22, 2011 at 6:11 am

Oh. My. Goodness. Thank you so much for making me spew diet Mountain Dew all over my computer screen. Well, at least he’ll never tell you not to buy *towels* again!

621 April June 22, 2011 at 6:19 am

Ok, so it could be the bottle of wine I have drunk but Im sitting here pmsl! I dont get why Victor is so peeved about Beyonce! Beyonce will stop theives breaking into “his only” office window and stealing something important

622 Kathy June 22, 2011 at 6:30 am

Can I hire you? I just had the exact same argument with my husband about dishes and our anniversary is in September. AND there is only one window in my husbands home office. Brilliant. And hilarious.
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623 Janelle June 22, 2011 at 6:36 am

I absoultely LOVE this!!! I really should keep up with the proper gifts for the occassion because I missed a perfect opportunity to get a giant chicken…DAMN IT ALL!! What would have made this better is if you would have put a new towel around Beyonce’s neck to help wick away the sweat on hot days!

624 Stephanie June 22, 2011 at 6:38 am

OMG….I am crying and trying to laugh as silently as I can in my cubicle….HILARIOUS. I LOVE Beyonce

625 FreshHell June 22, 2011 at 6:42 am

Wow. This is possibly the best thing EVER. I am so very very jealous that I do not have this chicken.
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626 Nickie June 22, 2011 at 6:46 am

This is whizzing around FB faster than a headless one, Jenny.
I want your life (well, just the good bits).

627 Stan Dyer June 22, 2011 at 6:55 am

You should have draped the pink towels around the chicken as if he were either returning from the beach, or looking for someone to join him.

628 Jillianne Marie June 22, 2011 at 7:01 am

I got this link on my way to work and seriously started laughing so hard in my car I couldn’t drive. knock knock is what did me in. I am sure the commuters at the stop light behind me didn’t appreciate it when I couldn’t go on green but it was so worth the horns honking for such a good morning laugh.

629 Bridget June 22, 2011 at 7:07 am

Absolutely hilarious! I loved reading this story. You made my day!

630 Becky June 22, 2011 at 7:10 am

Seriously the funniest thing that I have ever read.

631 samshine20 June 22, 2011 at 7:10 am

You are my new hero… Beyonce definately trumps my “Christmas Dragon” also found at at similar discount-you-don’t-need-this-crap-but-you-know-you-want-it store.

Great blog!
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632 samshine20 June 22, 2011 at 7:10 am

You are my new hero… Beyonce definately trumps my “Christmas Dragon” also found at a similar discount-you-don’t-need-this-crap-but-you-know-you-want-it store.

Great blog!
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633 Bibulb June 22, 2011 at 7:25 am

@505 : IT WILL CUT A BASILISK WITHOUT EVEN COCKING AN EYE.

634 Kimberly June 22, 2011 at 7:26 am

Yesterday, June 21, was our 8th anniversary. It’s too bad I didn’t buy my husband a giant chicken named Beyoncé!

635 Patti Huston June 22, 2011 at 7:29 am

OMG. I think I love you. That is the funniest story I have heard in a long time. I am sitting in the kitchen laughing out loud while my teenage son sleeps down the hall. I hope I woke him to the thought that his mom might be a little crazy. It’s good to keep them on their toes. I want a big metal chicken, now. Have a great day, because this made mine!

636 ali June 22, 2011 at 7:31 am

hahahahahaahhaha this is fantastic.

637 Sorry So Wordy June 22, 2011 at 7:33 am

“To #414: Bless your lil’ heart (Pats head, patronizingly rubs your cheek)… you’re adorable. Clearly you’re new here.”

I absolutely am new here. I tried to make very few presumptions about either Jenny or Victor because I got here via a random Twitter link that got retweeted around to my feed.

@Jenny

I appreciate the response. The charity thing was probably uncalled for, and I am overjoyed to hear how active you are in your own charity work. Thank you, also, for the background about how you and Victor are much more on each other’s wavelength than a first-time reader would understandably glean from this post. Given those facts: Long live Beyonce, the sharp, rusty chicken.

P.S. “Knock knock, mother fucker” and “The chicken has a shiv” were highlights of the post. Excellent comedic writing.

638 Deanna June 22, 2011 at 7:36 am

This is hysterically funny! Even funnier because I’m a Gamecock fan, and I want one of those metal chickens!

639 Lucy's Mom June 22, 2011 at 7:39 am

LOL! I am totally showing this to my husband as a lesson. “Let me buy what I want or you may end up with giant chickens!”

640 Sara June 22, 2011 at 7:47 am

That is HILLARIOUS!!!! Thank you so much for the great laugh.
I hope Victor knows that you won!!
:)

641 Chef Kate June 22, 2011 at 7:51 am

The next gift – towels with chickens embroidered on! It would almost be funnier if he was the one to give them to you ;D

I wonder if there is a way to put a speaker inside the chicken and play songs like the Chicken Dance, the Bird is the Word and the theme that Family Guys plays when the huge chicken fights some character!!!

642 Eleni June 22, 2011 at 7:59 am

THAT was the most wonderful thing I have read in a long time. Laughed till it hurt! Thank you for buying Beyonce’ and blogging about it.

643 Gretchen June 22, 2011 at 8:16 am

This chicken is the paragon of useless crap, and thus might make my husband cry. I need one to keep in storage for just the right moment. Thank you for the laugh!

644 Joe Mama June 22, 2011 at 8:18 am

Wonder how long ’til we’ll see a story about a Houston-area writer who got pummeled to death by a giant metal chicken.

645 Tycho June 22, 2011 at 8:24 am

You madam, are a comical genius.

646 Mike June 22, 2011 at 8:25 am

Not funny. Your “marriage”, such as it is, is already on the rocks and you don’t even realize it. That’s too bad. If you were a grownup you’d realize the situation.

647 Liz Ashton June 22, 2011 at 8:25 am

It’s good to know I’m not the only one to enjoy having a less than conventional relationship. The 5 foot chicken was *genius* I tell you! I’m trying to find a life sized statue of a Yorkshire Terrier to give my partner for Christmas. To match the real Yorkie we have, Gizmo. Makes perfect sense yes? Yes?!

648 Dana Boyle June 22, 2011 at 8:37 am

Jenny, I haven’t laughed so hard in a while. Thanks! I’m going to print this for my mom who doesn’t have the internet.

Nathan, you’re making big assumptions. Maybe Victor and Jenny work out their fights with jokes like this. Maybe they have such a strong marriage that Jenny knew he’d get a kick out of Beyonce eventually or he’d get the message this way easier than a long, drawn out discussion about towels. Anyone who thinks that their spouse is going to honor “trust” and not “betray” them in a marital argument over not letting someone buy towels or something else equally trivial is being silly and has no sense of humor. Maybe Victor realizes that he has a jewel in Jenny and he wouldn’t trade her for the world, because who else is gonna ring the doorbell with a giant metal chicken and then tell him the 15 year anniversary is for huge metal chickens? That’s gold.

Jenny, great come-backs. Now I have to go read the rest of your blog. This is my first visit thanks to my great friends on Facebook who were cracking up over it. xo

649 Jess Hartley June 22, 2011 at 8:40 am

My husband and I also have fights (well, intense discussions) about towels, but ours are about the proper (half/half/thirds, also known as “my way”) way to fold a towel, versus the improper (half/half/half/wad into the linen closet, also known as “his way”). Our towel-issue has been going on for the entirety of our 20 year marriage, although he officially “won” a few years back.
We were “discussing” the topic, while folding laundry together, and he stopped and looked at me for a long moment. When I looked up, he said “You know… some day, I’ll be gone. And your towels will never be folded anything but your way, from then on.”
Now, when I stumble across one done “his way”, I may curse, and I certainly do re-fold it, but I also think of it as a reminder that I’m blessed to have his presence in my life for all these years.
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650 moooooog35 June 22, 2011 at 8:49 am

I don’t know about you, but the giant comb on the chicken’s head just screams ‘great place to hang hot pink beach towels.’
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651 Julie June 22, 2011 at 8:51 am

Seriously. I want to be friends with you so we can go shopping and hang out together.

652 Julie the Wife June 22, 2011 at 8:56 am

I heard the 16-year anniversary is the Bronzed Chupacabra anniversary. Can’t wait to meet Jay-Z.
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653 Felicia June 22, 2011 at 9:04 am

OMG! I needed to laugh this morning!! Thank you! We should all deal with our husbands this way!

654 Busy Mom June 22, 2011 at 9:07 am

The comments are nearly as funny as Beyonce.
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655 Jon June 22, 2011 at 9:10 am

I always said Victor deserves a metal. Now he’s got one, of sorts.

656 chaska peacock June 22, 2011 at 9:12 am

You saved money!!! A set of good towels would have cost more than the chicken, and I doubt the towels would even have made you giggle.

657 anneliese June 22, 2011 at 9:15 am

where did the chicken come from!?!?! i want one!! and i want to name it Beyonce Jr (or Jay-Z)

658 Nilzed June 22, 2011 at 9:19 am

I cannot believe how many people from every subset of friends and relations I have, have (justifiably) reported this. Not only has it appearred again and again in my FB and twitter feeds but it’s stalked across every yahoo group and listsev on every topic. Completely viral. Go you!

659 Laura June 22, 2011 at 9:21 am

I don’t know you – but I am in love with you

660 marcelle June 22, 2011 at 9:23 am

I sooooo want you to be my neighbor. And your responses to the weird creepy people trying to tell you how to live your life and passing judgement on a humor site? Perfect!

661 Ashleigh June 22, 2011 at 9:23 am

OMG I’m DYING! This is the funniest thing I’ve seen all year. Just moved in with boyfriend and can so relate right now. I totally need a 5′ tall chicken. THANK YOU!!!

662 Jeane June 22, 2011 at 9:31 am

You always make me laugh…and shoot coffee out my nose!
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663 Jules June 22, 2011 at 9:34 am

*bowing down to you* Kudos, my friend. Kudos.
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664 karen June 22, 2011 at 9:35 am

you are my FUCKING hero!
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665 Kimm June 22, 2011 at 9:37 am

That was the best way to start a day ….. Awesome!

666 smg June 22, 2011 at 9:42 am

my parents bought a rusty metal chicken (rooster) in mexico. and they had it above their cupboards in the kitchen. anyway my mom was cleaning and apparently their mexican chicken was rickety like Beyonce and it fell off of the cupboard onto her head. and cut her open. so they panicked because of all of the blood and called 911 and when the ambulance arrived and they tried to explain how she sliced her head open, they had to say the rusty chicken did it. let’s just say that my dad received some evil/odd looks like they did not believe it was really the chicken.

667 Christine B June 22, 2011 at 9:44 am

A friend of mine sent this on over to me, and I am LOVING it. Thanks for the giggle!
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668 Larraine June 22, 2011 at 9:45 am

Now I feel a lot less guilty about the antiqued chicken sculpture I’ve been lusting after. At least the one I picked out has some class. Not much more than yours, but it’s ANTIQUED!

669 Andrew June 22, 2011 at 9:48 am

You are a beautiful woman with a beautiful soul, and I would sincerely like to take you to Chili’s for some soup and half a sandwich.

670 Unya June 22, 2011 at 9:50 am

Wow you’re a massive bitch. How many times has divorce been threatened?

671 Kathy June 22, 2011 at 9:57 am

I love this chicken…. IF I lived in TX I would so buy one.

672 Judith Bandsma June 22, 2011 at 10:00 am

You, my dear, need to be published. I see you as the 21st century Erma Bombeck whose books started out as a series of newspaper columns. I know you’re ‘published’ online but I want a book of your best. Or 2, or 14.
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673 Secret Mom Thoughts June 22, 2011 at 10:10 am

best anniversary gift ever!
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674 sarah June 22, 2011 at 10:11 am

my face hurts i’m laughing so hard.

675 Dana June 22, 2011 at 10:15 am

If you only knew. You have captured the essence of my marriage and my sensibility about spending money and my husband’s refrain, “Did you really need that?”

Alleluia!!!

676 Jaime June 22, 2011 at 10:20 am

I think my comment was eaten by Beyonce… I believe I insinuted that Beyonce was a cock rather than a chicken … but with its comment eating ways I now believe it truely is a female… as only females are that vicious..

and btw.. thanks for the laugh.

677 Hope June 22, 2011 at 10:21 am

Perhaps you could claim Beyonce as a dependent on your taxes?

678 Nora A Burns June 22, 2011 at 10:23 am

Thought the neighbors may call the paramedics as they heard me laughing so hard I could barely breathe.

You absolutely made my day.

I am seriously coveting your chicken – Beyonce would look great outside my office window.

Wonder how many google searches have been conducted for “5′ metal chicken” in the past 24 hours….

Dude, nice chicken.

679 Paula Johnson June 22, 2011 at 10:24 am

Classic! I don’t really want the chicken, but it is a classic. I am dying to send this to my friend Sue. She would so understand because she and her cohorts could so pull the same sort of thing. It’s great that you and Victor can keep your marriage ‘fresh’ with humor. I am not so cool.. would have just bought the towels anyway and took the dirty looks. Showing this to my daughters now!

680 fussybritches June 22, 2011 at 10:26 am

This is the most hysterical blog post I think I’ve ever seen. The next time my husband and I have a fight about something, I’m totally buying a 5 foot rusty chicken.

681 Sibilla June 22, 2011 at 10:30 am

http://www.barrioantiguofurniture.com/metal-farm-animals–flowers.html

scroll down…..

METAL FARM ANIMALS!

in case anyone wants one….

682 The Writing Goddess June 22, 2011 at 10:32 am

Awesome. Utterly awesome. If only Beyonce, or her ilk (do 5 foot chickens have ilk?) had been around when I went through my own Towel Trauma with my ex. (He didn’t like the new bathroom towels because they were too soft and absorbent. Huh?)

683 Shannon June 22, 2011 at 10:38 am

Just the story I needed today. I might just have to go find my own chicken.

684 Sara June 22, 2011 at 10:39 am

I felt like I was reading a story about myself! I too enjoy torturing my husband with metal chickens and toilet monsters.

685 Courtney June 22, 2011 at 10:39 am

This reminded me of my husband! But he would at least appreciate the chicken, seeing as he works for a poultry company. Of course, he’d make me return the damn thing, but he’d get a laugh out of it just the same. Totally made me giggle.
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686 Angela June 22, 2011 at 10:42 am

And I congratulated myself on my restraint for NOT buying the cute little sheet metal chickens at Dollar General last night. For $6 each. With adorable little metal tags around their necks spouting pithy sayings such as “It’s the simple things in life” and “Welcome to my garden.” Because spouse does not appreciate the artistry of the ornamental chicken.

I think I’m going back there today, and those metal chickens are coming home with me after all.
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687 M.Amanda June 22, 2011 at 10:44 am

Maybe I missed something while skimming through the comments, which are predictably almost as good as the post itself, but is nobody concerned that this is clearly a MALE chicken? Named Beyonce, an uncommon name known to most people as a famous FEMALE? Anybody else hearing the line from “A Boy Named Sue” and thinking, “My name is Beyonce! This chicken will cut you! You gonna die!” Really, Jenny, good thing he’s rusty metal, because if he ever came to life and decided to get even, you’d need the sound of his clanging and squeaking to get away in time.

688 leanne June 22, 2011 at 10:47 am

i literally just peed my pants a little bit. while sitting at my desk at work. guess i won’t be getting up anytime soon…

689 Stacey June 22, 2011 at 10:52 am

I laughed until I cried and then I shared it with my sister. Thank you for that!

690 Sue June 22, 2011 at 10:56 am

I’m thinking the chicken needs to keep moving around the house. One day she needs to be in the shower, your bedroom, the closet (if she fits), and basically anywhere thats rediculous. With a straight face you have to explain why shes there.

Shower: “She got dirty so I wanted to rinse her off.”
Bedroom: “The rocks on her feet were moved last night so I wanted to move her inside to keep her from being stolen…” (this is also good to try and put the moves on Victor and have the chicken facing the bed….creeeeeppppyyyy)
Closet: “I was wondering where I put her…..”
Kitchen: “I was making eggs….reminded me of her”

691 Courtney June 22, 2011 at 10:59 am

For the 25th reunion, you should really consider investing in a life-size terracotta soldier replica, imported from China. (You could name him Jay-Z.) Or, you could just have one of my mom’s. Please take it away. Please.

692 TheNatJar June 22, 2011 at 10:59 am

I think I love you. Best. Blog. Ever.

693 Sonja June 22, 2011 at 11:02 am

OK, so now we all need to buy stock in the “big metal chicken” business because clearly this is what has been missing! Women across the country are clamoring to own one. I’m not even married and I want one…you know, in case I get married. (chuckle snicker)

694 Courtney June 22, 2011 at 11:05 am

I mean anniversary, not reunion! Damnit!
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695 Renee Huggins June 22, 2011 at 11:13 am

This is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while. Thank you for the laugh.!

696 Dyane Nelson June 22, 2011 at 11:22 am

This is GREAT! I have the same humor! Love it!

697 Annette June 22, 2011 at 11:22 am

I think your chicken is GREAT! I love it, my hubby would love it, and ifit ever needs a new home I will be happy to find one for it!!!

698 Andrea June 22, 2011 at 11:25 am

That was flippin fantastic. I’m so doing this the next time the husband says he needs more fishing tackle. Oh, you bought fishing tackle? I bought a 5ft tall metal chicken. Call it even.
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699 Christi June 22, 2011 at 11:25 am

OMG!!!! Hilarious!! I’ve added your blog to the list I follow now.

I do have a question, since hubby and I will be celebrating in August…..if 15 years is a five foot metal chicken, what is 30? TWO??????

700 T June 22, 2011 at 11:30 am

Yeah! Finally made it to the end!! :D
Been reading this all day (well, afternoon) and did nothing else, yet…
…AS I COULD NOT STOP LAUGHING!
Tears running down my face, jaws aching and belly hurting! And the comments! Even some of the neg. comments could not stop me from falling of the sofa.
My Doggy is looking at me time and time again, wondering what the hell I’m doing, but it was all worth it. When MOH comes home in a bit, he will wonder why my eyes look so red…
You. Are. So. Very. WONDERFUL!!!
Thank you so very much for being who you are and having the graciousness to share your humor with us, sometimes it is all that lightens my day.
“Knock, knock, motherfucker” WHAAAAAAHAAAHAAAAHAAAHAAAAA
…Gotta go now….. hooohooooohoooooo *snort*
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701 Jennifer June 22, 2011 at 11:32 am

I am a new follower and OMG this has me hysterical laughing at my desk.
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702 Jane June 22, 2011 at 11:33 am

Holy shit snacks, I am going to Home Goods this weekend in search of a giant metal chicken. That thing is… wow. I’m just out of words to describe the crazy awesomeness. Thank you.

703 Anonymous June 22, 2011 at 11:40 am

This bitch is obnoxious! I’d keep the chicken and get rid of her.

704 Anon June 22, 2011 at 11:43 am

I read this post yesterday and went through all the comments and wondered why no one mentioned the fact that the chicken was full of whiskey. Which would make the chicken the greatest thing ever. I had to read the post three times before I realized that the chicken was “full of whimsy”. Still amazing, but now I understand why Victor wasn’t as excited as I would have been if my wife brought home a 5′ chicken full of whiskey.

705 Jamy June 22, 2011 at 11:47 am

Where can I get this?

706 Gena June 22, 2011 at 11:50 am

You should drag him into your room before he wakes up and place him next to Victor’s side of the bed. Good Morning!!

707 Julie the Wife June 22, 2011 at 11:54 am

Can Beyonce be trained? Because if she could become a murderous hen-pecker and pay a visit to “Nathan” and “Blank”, she could be a 5-Foot Metal Killer Chicken, which increases her Awesome Value exponentially. Hello college tuition for Hailey.

Or she could just punch a hole in boxes of wine with her beak. Equally cool.
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708 Amy June 22, 2011 at 11:56 am

I now want a giant metal Beyonce chicken. Seriously, where did you FIND that?

If you have the personality to do this and write about it, I must start following your blog. Wave to Beyonce out the window for me.

709 Diane June 22, 2011 at 12:00 pm

OMG! That is so completely hilarious! Unfortunately, I have seen that rooster before… on my neighbor’s front porch! They sell them here in NW Arkansas along with.. wait for it.. anatomically correct metal goats. I know, I know! When is the husband’s birthday? The goat would be so cute at the front door celebrating his birthday. “Naaack Naaaack, mother fucker- just kidding” :)

710 every guy June 22, 2011 at 12:04 pm

I hope he divorces or cheats on you. That’d be just as “funny”

711 CookeLE June 22, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Comment # 296. . .Let’s see, you bash someone for not approving your comment (that was quite obviously posted) and yet on your blog…oh yeah lookie there…NO COMMENTS ALLOWED?? Chicken shit. 5 foot tall chicken shit :) Not the greatest gift to women are you? I know I would never be with a inferior piece of dirt like you.

712 Jen O. June 22, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Well, now I want one.

713 Johanna June 22, 2011 at 12:15 pm

I find the implication by some of the naysayers here that our intrepid Bloggess is spending *her husband’s* money, rather than her own, to be disquieting. I’m sure he’s made his share of infuriating discretionary purchases about which she is also not amused. As many others have pointed out, a marriage doesn’t get the chance to make it to the Big Metal Chickens anniversary unless the couple have reached a certain level of detente in their efforts to keep the spark alive through acquisitive warfare. Plus, makeup sex is hawt.

714 Carole June 22, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Oh, Jenny! *wipes eyes* As usual, I don’t know which is funnier: the story (classic!), your usual commenters (witty!), the troll comments (wtf?), or your responses to said comments (hilarious!).

Your story reminds me of the time I convinced my best friend to buy drunken pig bookends in New Orleans. I may have used a line similar to Laura’s. Oh, her husband was ticked. But the pigs loll merrily on either side of their fireplace to this day, one sloshed on wine & the other burping beer, and my friends’ marriage is still a happy one.

715 tracy June 22, 2011 at 12:25 pm

I just was let go from the company I have given my entire life to for over 6 years today -very unexpectedly, due to downsizing. And I REAAAALLLYYYY needed this! I have been laughing my ass off and crying for the last hour, still havent made it part way through all the comments, and really need to find myself a big fuckin chicken to keep this in my head!!! thank you so much!!!

716 Leah Adams June 22, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Maybe if I get this, then threaten to get 4 more to go with it, he’ll finally relent and let me get the 5 real chickens I want!

717 Laura Mayes June 22, 2011 at 12:29 pm

What is wrong with me that I basically forgot that this happened until you wrote about it. And it involved a giant chicken. And it was just a few days ago. I need help.

718 Brian June 22, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Is that the chicken that laid the Lady GaGa egg?

Also, I can’t wait for a follow-up post a month from now that details how many people found your blog by googling “five-foot cock.”

And a lot of the commenters here could use more large cock in their lives. Maybe then they wouldn’t be so cranky.

719 Laura Mayes June 22, 2011 at 12:32 pm

What is wrong with me that I basically forgot that this happened until you wrote about it? And it involved a giant chicken. And it was just a few days ago. I need help.

720 mitchypoo June 22, 2011 at 12:35 pm

LOL, I so needed a funny today and this is hilarious! I love Beyonce!

721 LisaG June 22, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Funny as hell. Thanks for making my day!

722 SisterMerryHellish June 22, 2011 at 12:45 pm

I love a good giant metal chicken story! Poor Victor. He’s probably only made because Beyonce’s ends are sharp and rusty. He was totally planning to hit that.
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723 G June 22, 2011 at 12:51 pm

You should have told him it was a cock rack. To hang your towels on.

724 Sarah Kerr June 22, 2011 at 12:59 pm

You just totally made made day. This is Fan-freaking-tastick!
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725 Smodan June 22, 2011 at 1:03 pm

We have a giant cock in our yard too! Most everyone loves it and I’d upload a pic here for you if I could.
Well played.

726 Deb June 22, 2011 at 1:03 pm

“Chicken DOWN!”…damn, I would have brought you ladies and your cock out for a drink if I was there that day…

727 meriah June 22, 2011 at 1:05 pm

want. that. chicken.
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728 Rosa June 22, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Dear God. I don’t know what’s funnier–the picture of that chicken standing at the front door with logs on his feet or ‘knock-knock, motherfucker’. That’s good shit.

729 Ann June 22, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Oh my God, I haven’t laughed this hard in ages! I want that chicken.

730 Steffj89 June 22, 2011 at 1:19 pm

omg….TOTALLY laughing. saw the link to this on FB. My husband and I would totally do this to each other and both be laughing hysterically by the time it was all over.
I have been looking at those roosters for about 4 years now and have not found one under 200$ even at the flea markets. of course we don’t live in town, so it kinda fits our rural landscaping a bit more.

too funny! Congrats on 15 years.

731 fran June 22, 2011 at 1:19 pm

I think I love you.

732 BarbP June 22, 2011 at 1:21 pm

That has to be one of the funniest stories I have ever read…laughed till tears ran down my face!

733 Erica June 22, 2011 at 1:24 pm

I would pay good money to see a picture of you, Jenny, in the panda suit, holding James Garfield, standing next to Beyonce. Of course, this could never happen or the universe would just implode from sheer awesomeness, but…wouldn’t it be amazing?

Also, I want to send Rick at @461 a towel.

734 tarabu June 22, 2011 at 1:27 pm

I can’t stop giggling just thinking about Beyonce. I’d probably fall out if I saw him for reals.

735 Lisa June 22, 2011 at 1:31 pm

LOL thanks for sharing! Iwould have loved to have been there to see it all inerson1 It sounds so much like the crazy stuff my friends and I come up with.

736 Lisa June 22, 2011 at 1:33 pm

LOL thanks for sharing! I would have loved to have been there to see it all in person! It sounds so much like the crazy stuff my friends and I come up with.

737 J June 22, 2011 at 1:34 pm

OMG I’m gonna DIE from laughter… and at work no less! LOVE this story! (First time reader)

And the caption truly about did me in.

738 Lizzie June 22, 2011 at 1:47 pm

That was one of the funniest things I ever read. New fan, thanks for the rib cracking laughter all day.
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739 Jillaine Comardo June 22, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Ok, You made me pee my pants a little! I want one! I NEED ONE! GOTTA HAVE ME A BIG OLD METAL CHICKEN!!!

740 Leigh June 22, 2011 at 1:50 pm

OMG! I love this story and want a Beyonce of my own!!!!

741 Todd June 22, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Wow, you really hate your husband! Must be really fun in your house with all the hostility disguised as jokes.

742 Soosie Sr June 22, 2011 at 1:55 pm

I made the mistake of eating a candy bar while reading this. When the UPS guy said, “Dude. Nice Chicken.” – I laughed so hard – and started to choke. My co-workers surrounded me to see if I was okay. And all I could squeak out was “It… Was… the Chicken…”

This post made my day. No. My week. At least.

743 Amanda @ There Are 2 Sides June 22, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Funniest thing ever.
I love that damn chicken.
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744 Cheeseboy June 22, 2011 at 2:05 pm

All this time I’ve been trying to write the perfect post and it turns out all I had to do was buy a 5 foot tall chicken?

745 Meg Hollister June 22, 2011 at 2:10 pm

This is hilarious. Thank you miss Melissa Mowder for sharing this post with me- this is what I hope to be like with a fun (and chicken) loving guy someday. Seriously cracking up. Great post.
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746 Simone June 22, 2011 at 2:15 pm

i wish i was married to you. i’d probably be a lot happier.

747 BMused June 22, 2011 at 2:15 pm

OK, I think the chicken itself is funny, but nothing else in this story is. What kind of spoiled, self-indulgent bitch spends $100 of good money – in scarce supply to a lot of people in this county, in case you haven’t heard – on a stupid prank with the express intention of humiliating someone that she (supposedly) loves? What the hell is wrong with you people?

748 Jolene June 22, 2011 at 2:16 pm

That was worth the read, thanks for the laugh. Nice chicken, too.

749 Angela June 22, 2011 at 2:21 pm

I THINK YOU ARE KICKASS AND WOULD BE A BLAST TO HANG OUT WITH!!!! —–Angela, Oak Grove, MO

750 Rebelyell June 22, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Divorce in 3.. 2.. 1..

751 jeanette June 22, 2011 at 2:31 pm

this was awesome.. this is me, oh yes!!!!!!!

752 Meg June 22, 2011 at 2:42 pm

You are my hero. <3
Thank you for brightening a lot of peoples day!

753 Peanut's Mommy June 22, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Holy shit – I can’t stop laughing! This is so amazing and makes me want to eventually marry the type of man that I can buy a big chicken for.

Congratulations on 15 years!

754 KYouell June 22, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Jack Shiite at #516 can fuck off for using the r-word. I have a son with Down syndrome, so I am *your* judge.

Also, wtf? “His” money? Somebody took a jump to the left & a step to the ri-ii-ii-iight & did the time warp.

755 TisforTonya June 22, 2011 at 2:58 pm

We’re about to celebrate 19 years… I think that means I need a big metal Octopus?

756 lizzyfizzy June 22, 2011 at 2:58 pm

i’m pretty sure i pissed myself laughing.

757 Jennifer @ Also Known As...the Wife June 22, 2011 at 3:10 pm

This just made my week. I needed a good laugh and I learned something…the traditional gift for 15 years of marriage.
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758 Phyllis June 22, 2011 at 3:11 pm

I LOVE IT!

759 Chris June 22, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Hahahahahaha! Thanks for letting us know we’re not alone in battles with our significant others. God–I would just love to put one of those chickens on my hubby’s computer chair.

760 Grandma Susie June 22, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Oh my darling. The chicken is an awesome story. Wait a go making it so much fun living with you. Blood pressure has got to be low in your household. You will out live all of us!
Blessings- oh and watch the language!lol

761 Noel June 22, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Jesus, women are dumb as painful sin. Remedial would be the least of how dumb the praise of this story places all of you.

762 MamaKasia June 22, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Best. Love story. Ever.
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763 Pebbles June 22, 2011 at 3:26 pm

This story is making the people of Dublin , Ireland roll around laughing right now.

Victor will look back & laugh at this one day .

Thankyou for the giggle :)

764 Pomme June 22, 2011 at 3:30 pm

This story is so worth a dollar and a towel!!

765 Lynda June 22, 2011 at 3:39 pm

Definitely. Crying.With.Laughter

Now, please do tell where you bought this chicken. My husband LOVES chickens — and this would make THE best gift for him. Honest.

766 Jena June 22, 2011 at 3:48 pm

I friggin’ love this post. It wouldn’t work in our home. My husband would be over the moon if I brought this kind of thing home. We’re kind of weird like that. He’d probably sit it right under our light-up neon palm tree and put a Viking helmet on it.

767 Sarah Jane June 22, 2011 at 3:51 pm

AWESOME! I needed this giggle today … I do believe we have the same since of humor and it does so seem to be lost on our men. ;) Here’s to this sparking a new ‘Giant Farm Animal’ search for you… just think of his horror when the giant metal cow arrives!

768 VCarter June 22, 2011 at 3:53 pm

This. Classic. I love it.

769 Jane Rushing June 22, 2011 at 3:57 pm

LOVED this!! I’m a rooster collector and now I have to find me a 5 ft ‘chicken’! I haven’t laughed this hard (or loud) in so long!! I love the comments (even the nasty ones) because they make me laugh even more!! I’m now a subscriber! I am so posting this on FB!!

770 Christopher Kappes June 22, 2011 at 4:05 pm

From a guy who has been married almost 30 years, you are so right about picking the battles. What I’ve learned:
1) When my spouse goes off…I usually ask: Do you want me just to listen or respond?
2) Happy wife= happy life
3) I make the money, she manages life and family
4) Don’tr pass gas in bed
5) Her hair is always great…even when it’s not
6) She’s not going deaf from the hair-dryer….it’s that I don’t speak loud enough
7) Gravity…what’s gravity?
8) My parents are the outlaws…my inlaws are just that
9) Dinner is always good regardless
10) ) Go to the man-cave when all else fails

771 Tony V June 22, 2011 at 4:05 pm

First time i’ve read your Blog…wonderful wonderful blogging.
I have an insane urge to get me a 5 ft chicken.
keep up the good work :-)

772 bratgirl June 22, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Holy shit. I just found you linked to from FARK. No WONDER your blog keeps crashing!

773 Christopher Kappes June 22, 2011 at 4:20 pm

From a guy who has been married almost 30 years, you are so right about picking the battles. What I’ve learned:
1) When my spouse goes off…I usually ask: Do you want me just to listen or respond?
2) Happy wife= happy life
3) I make the money, she manages life and family
4) Don’t pass gas in bed or have spray on the bed stand
5) Her hair is always great…even when it’s not
6) She’s not going deaf from the hair-dryer….it’s that I don’t speak loud enough
7) Gravity…what’s gravity?
8) My parents are the outlaws…my inlaws are just that
9) Dinner is always good regardless
10) ) Go to the man-cave when all else fails
11) Humor in all that occurs
12) LIfe is not serious, it’s how serious you are about it
13) I never liked chickens:)

Thanks for the post….delightful.

774 DiAnne June 22, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Now all you need is a right sized egg…… with one of the pink towels in it…….

775 Gina June 22, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Ok Bloggess? I am unabashedly in love with you after reading this! A friend posted it on my FB wall and seriously, we may have been separated at birth. So funny. Thanks for the laugh. I don’t tweet much but had to follow you.

776 Roy Fokker June 22, 2011 at 4:47 pm

This post was hilarious. Thanks for making me (and apparently numerous others) laugh so much. :)

Please thank Beyonce too. :)

Re: Blog technical issues, I happened to check out your recent Tweets and noticed that you seem frustrated that 1. Someone barfed on you (suck!) and 2. your blog keeps crashing. Very sorry to hear about the first, but on the second item I feel I should congratulate you. Youw wwite up of this wisible incident has incweased your weadewship (of at least this blog entwy) by a significant mawgin. What looks like a stability issue on your blog hosting company’s part is probably a capacity issue. All of the new visitors who want to read about your adventures with Beyonce, Laura and Victor are slamming your poor server and bringing it to it’s knees. Some people refer to it as the Slashdot Effect (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slashdot_effect) though in your case I guess it would be the FaceBook effect (?) – at least that’s where I heard about the Big Metal Chicken. I’m not trying to suggest that this isn’t a problem, I’m just saying that depending on your perspective it might be one of those “good problems”. Now you get to find out how rapidly your hosting company can ramp up your capacity. Ie. Increase bandwidth? Put your stuff on a virtualized server on some kinda cluster/cloud thing with tons of CPU / memory? More energizer bunnies, Brawndo, Protoculture/Invid Flower of Life, Energon, plot tokens?

If only laughter made web servers go faster… :)

777 ladyalicia June 22, 2011 at 4:49 pm

OMG, funniest thing I have heard in a long time. I need one of those.

778 Barb June 22, 2011 at 4:50 pm

OMG, you are soooo funny.

779 adequatemom June 22, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Dear The Bloggess, in this, as in all things, your magnificence astounds me and so I write for your guidance. This fall, I will have been married to my husband for FIVE WHOLE YEARS (which is a personal best). Please advise on appropriate anniversary gift for five years marriage, as I assume one-third of a giant metal chicken is not correct. Thank you for your help.
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780 HiltonT June 22, 2011 at 5:14 pm

This *has* to be the funniest thing I’ve read in years! :)
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781 Molly June 22, 2011 at 5:18 pm

I love this post with all my heart. I am saving it for a day when I’m sad and I need something to make me less depressed/anxious/ocd

782 Alexandra June 22, 2011 at 5:23 pm

this is something my best friend and I would do . . . when we were in HIGH SCHOOL! so maybe insomnia makes you crazy, but at least it keeps you young!

783 Carla June 22, 2011 at 5:27 pm

A friend of mine posted this on facebook, and I think it is quite possibly the funniest thing I’ve read in a LONG time! I want to send a dollar wrapped in a towel with a chicken on it! I am going to be following your blog from now on, and I will be jealous that you are not my best friend and that I can’t go shopping with you!!! Thanks for the story, and happy anniversary!!

784 jon June 22, 2011 at 5:31 pm

I don’t know you from the queen of England but girl, you are funny and Victor is lucky to have both you and Beyonce the chicken.
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785 Zelda June 22, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Today I argued with my mother, my sister, my husband, my baby, my dog, strangers with bicycles, strangers with babies, an online photo developer, and my thighs. Thank you for helping me learn to be more selective.

786 Fred June 22, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Wow. Some of these comments are pretty mean. I’m glad you’re able to let the crap roll off your back, Jenny.

Happy anniversary to you and Victor! I know your house must be filled with laughter. And, odd barnyard animals.

787 Susan Walker June 22, 2011 at 5:35 pm

that is the funniest shit EVER. bravo.
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788 Vanessa June 22, 2011 at 5:37 pm

You are amazing! I was literally lol’ing on the bus yesterday while reading this.
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789 Amanda Thomas June 22, 2011 at 5:38 pm

omg, thank you for the great laugh! I don’t know Victor, but I have a great visual of him after this blog. :-)

790 Dena Lacey June 22, 2011 at 5:42 pm

A friend posted a link to your fabulous 15th anniversary story on Facebook today. You made my day. Thank you. Now I want a big metal cock in my yard too. LOL

791 Chickenpig June 22, 2011 at 5:43 pm

That’s a giant chicken in need of a pig.

792 tomas ramirez June 22, 2011 at 5:45 pm

and that’s one of many reasons i got divorced. because of people who may love you, but always put their opinions above yours. god, i love being single!!

793 Bobbie Gregory June 22, 2011 at 5:47 pm

I haven’t laughed so hard in a good while. I will be keeping up with your articles, cause you and I share the same sense of humor when it comes to marriage.

794 Kate June 22, 2011 at 5:48 pm

New reader here. Holy hell you are breaded, fried and dipped in awesomesauce.

795 Gates June 22, 2011 at 5:56 pm

Sweet Mary Mother of God. Lady, you are completely twisted. If I wasn’t gay, I’d have already fallen in love with you. Who am I kidding. I’m gay, and I’ve STILL fallen in love with you. Or maybe I just want a visit from the chicken – only time will tell.

You make me want to start a blog… but how can I compete with THIS!?

796 lori June 22, 2011 at 6:01 pm

i haven’t laughed that hard in a long, long time. i now also want to mess with my husband via a 5-foot tall metal chicken named beyonce.

797 Leandra June 22, 2011 at 6:02 pm

You have officially been added to my list of heroes for this. LOVE this!!!

798 Windy June 22, 2011 at 6:04 pm

LMFAO priceless!

799 Sonja June 22, 2011 at 6:05 pm

This just MADE my day!!!!thank you!! I will never be able to hear beyonce again without throwing fits of laughters nobody will understand.

800 Wendy June 22, 2011 at 6:12 pm

I contributed to the viral madness (when I posted it on my facebook there were only 200-some comments…). But I had to share something that someone else said on my post.

“Any man who cannot appreciate a 5 ft anniversary chicken deserves bath towels. And no sex.”

(comment was made by a single guy)

801 Tiffany June 22, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Someone posted a link to this on BabyCenter and I have to say that I haven’t laughed this hard in MONTHS. I love you and I kind of love your husband. Thank you for posting this!!

802 Anonymous June 22, 2011 at 6:20 pm

Knock knock, motherclucker!

803 Kaya June 22, 2011 at 6:23 pm

And this is why I adore you, my dear Bloggess.

804 Shelbird June 22, 2011 at 6:28 pm

all I can say is you ROCK lady!!! Love it!

805 Laura cee June 22, 2011 at 6:28 pm

I laughed so hard I cried…and peed!

806 Jenny June 22, 2011 at 6:35 pm

BEST PURCHASE EVER!!! And now I need me a giant metal chicken too…sigh….

807 Eric June 22, 2011 at 6:35 pm

I found this blog through Facebook and I seriously got a lot of funny looks at the bar as I read this on my iPad and was laughing so hard I probably looked like a mental case, I will now enter into the weird world of following a complete strangers blog because seriously, Hollywood pays big bucks for something this funny

808 jacki June 22, 2011 at 6:40 pm

This is my first time reading your blog and I’m laughing so hard I’m crying.

809 Ohhh Snap June 22, 2011 at 6:40 pm

BTW, I think Victor should get the new pink beach towels for his bath towels. He might see the difference that way :D .

810 Christine June 22, 2011 at 6:43 pm

You my dear are absolutely hysterical and I totally would have helped you with the chicken. ;)

811 Cindy June 22, 2011 at 6:43 pm

I NEED A GIANT POINTY CHICKEN! I would name her Henny Penny!

812 Rosie June 22, 2011 at 6:50 pm

Laughed so hard…… I almost broke the pearl’s I was clutching! I kinda wanna grow up to be like you….I know for sure i would have just been boring enough to JUST buy “revenge” towels!
FUNNY! Thanks for sharing.
Mahalo, Rosie

813 Gordon June 22, 2011 at 6:55 pm

That’s not a chicken! It’ a pink towel rack.

814 diana June 22, 2011 at 6:56 pm

OMG – I laughed till I cried – that was just too funny !!

815 Chaboud June 22, 2011 at 6:57 pm

I get that there was some back and forth anger here, but the “at least it’s not towels” crack shows that this was a fairly passive-aggressive spite purchase. Whether or not you actually like the chicken, the motivation behind the purchase and the chicken pranking is pretty clear.

I like the style of writing, but, being a Texas boy, I’ve seen this sort of fight-love more than a few times. Dress cowboy boots stuffed with cow chips, a bride being disallowed to buy shoes to go under her *wedding* dress, brand new pickup trucks stuffed with rotting food, trashed motorcycles, shot (with bullets) cars, and divorces after over thirty years of marriage? All in my family.

A divide over money/value/need/want that doesn’t actually get sorted out is toxic, and it doesn’t really matter who was wrong or right, what battles were well chosen or not. Find a way to communicate without passive-aggressive sniping, or everyone loses. Maybe you’ll buck the trend, but I just don’t think that marriage is supposed to be a fight. It’s just too tiring, win or lose.
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816 Celeste June 22, 2011 at 7:04 pm

My husband will be thrilled to learn he is not the only husband who gets tormented this way – He was forced to paint our house 114 colours of white (all the shades of white general paint makes) because he said proudly and loudly to me while hanging with his friends “Of course you can paint the house any colour you want…. as long as that colour is white” I made sure that I changed my mind about which walls should be which shade just often enough to force him to clean his paint brush everytime he started painting a new wall. At least white doesn’t clash with white!

817 Sally Willits June 22, 2011 at 7:05 pm

Great post. I adore your style! Keep it up.

818 Sandra June 22, 2011 at 7:05 pm

I Really need a 5ft chicken right now!! I still have tears running down my face from laughing so damn hard!!Thanks for the laugh and perspective today.

819 Amanda from Virginia June 22, 2011 at 7:09 pm

O.M.G. I nearly peed, I laughed so hard. I tried reading it aloud to my dear husband of ten years, who, when he finally understood what I was saying through the crying and the outrageous laughter promptly said, “I’m divorcing you in four years. Just FYI.” A giant metal chicken!!! BbWWWAAHAHAHAHHAHAAA!!!

820 kettletop June 22, 2011 at 7:12 pm

Wow. So Chaboud gave you free marriage counseling. Which you clearly do not need. Sure, Victor wasn’t in the mood for your towels and your Chickens today, but he knew you were the sort of person to purchase 5 foot tall chickens when he married you, right? And if not, then he sure does now….

Easy fix. Sell some cards/t-shirts and the Chicken pays for itself. Like the boar. I would like a card featuring James Garfield and Beyonce, along with some clever caption. That’s why we pay you the Big Bucks. You don’t work for chickenfeed…

821 Lyne June 22, 2011 at 7:13 pm

Thanks for the laughs – I really needed that! hahaha! I laughed to the point that i started having tears stream down my cheeks!

822 Funny Girl June 22, 2011 at 7:13 pm

Freaking hilarious! Thanks for the laugh. I laughed so hard about “Dude, nice chicken”. I can so see that happening!!

823 Linda June 22, 2011 at 7:19 pm

That was a beautiful read, and may I say, a visionary purchase.

824 Trudy June 22, 2011 at 7:21 pm

Have been a silent reader forever….but now I MUST comment. O. M. G. perfection. I laughed out loud and snorted beer through my nose – will share on fb.
Triple love your writing.
Thank you. Needed that.

825 Amanda from Virginia June 22, 2011 at 7:21 pm

Oh, and double-plus Princess Points for the random video game/Zero Wing reference (“all your base are belong to us”).

826 Sarah B June 22, 2011 at 7:21 pm

I think you could sell it a little harder to your old man…he’s missing out on the obvious potential:
Cinco de Mayo – Beyonce wears a sombrero
Thanksgiving – Beyonce wears a Pilgrim hat
Easter – Beyonce looks like she’s pooping giant multi-colored Easter eggs
Halloween – Beyonce can be any number of fabulous things…hooker fairy, hooker nurse, hooker schoolgirl…
Christmas – Christmas lights, need I say more?

827 Lightening June 22, 2011 at 7:23 pm

Bwwwaaahaahaaa! That is pure GOLD!!! :-)
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828 Courtney June 22, 2011 at 7:24 pm

I can’t stop crying I’m laughing so hard!

829 Laura June 22, 2011 at 7:31 pm

I love your chicken…I laughed through the whole post! THANKS!! I love you, Laura and the Chicken!!!

830 Julia June 22, 2011 at 7:33 pm

Best. Post. Ever.

831 Dan June 22, 2011 at 7:39 pm

My wife makes me read your blog so I don’t think she’s crazy. She says you must really love Victor because of the “total awesomeness” of the 15th Anniversary gift…I say it’s because Victor has a 5 foot Cock.

832 Kelly DeBie June 22, 2011 at 7:41 pm

“Knock knock motherfucker” OH MY GOD I am literally laughing my ass off rightnow. Thank you….I so needed this today.
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833 Louisa June 22, 2011 at 7:42 pm

H I L A R I O U S, I am aching from too much laughter. GOLD xo

834 Pippa June 22, 2011 at 7:44 pm

next time you and laura are taking me shopping with you! awesome!

835 Susan June 22, 2011 at 7:57 pm

Hilarious!! I think you have to be female to totally get this! Thank you for sharing!

836 Louise June 22, 2011 at 7:58 pm

Crying, Laughing, Can’t Breathe. I <3 this. Best blog post I have read in my life.

837 Jenny Z June 22, 2011 at 7:59 pm

My 15th anniversary is next week and a giant metal chicken is DEFINITELY better than any gift idea I’ve seen so far! Thanks, Jenny, for the funny story.
Jenny

838 Lori June 22, 2011 at 8:00 pm

Oh, shit. I think I might have gone to high school with Charlie Red. Wait. Hipster. Can’t be. Charlie Red sounds like he’s still in high school.
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839 Nessa June 22, 2011 at 8:05 pm

Love it! I have a chicken/rooster love anyway. That would have been the best argument yet at my house!!!!!! Plus, you always have to enjoy a good buy, & it was!

840 Ginger June 22, 2011 at 8:06 pm

My hubby would have just have tried to ban me from shopping with my friend who obviously gave me bad shopping advice after buying a chicken like that.  Great post…so funny.

841 Peanut's Mommy June 22, 2011 at 8:10 pm

I’ve read this 4 times and it keeps getting funnier!! Absolutely amazing!

842 Denni June 22, 2011 at 8:11 pm

Holy shit, girl! That is the funniest thing I’ve ever read! I have tears streaming down my face! And I do think he meant the chicken is carrying a shiv. “Look out, that chicken will CUT you!” OMG I won’t be able to think about anything else for a week — THANK YOU!!

843 Angela June 22, 2011 at 8:18 pm

Now I want to find a husband just so I can piss him off with a five foot tall metal chicken!

844 The other Jenny June 22, 2011 at 8:20 pm

Dammit! I went to all the HomeGood stores in a 25 mile radius today looking for a giant chicken but alas…they were all out! Must be more drunk ladies here in MN than in TX. HomeGoods in the BOMB for whimsy. I picked up a rather large (about 3ftx2ft) wire rhino there a few years ago and he keeps my Garden Yeti company. Never seen a Garden Yeti? He’s super whimsical! The King of Whimsy! And made of quality designer resin – ooh-la-la! http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=102517807

And for all the haters? Fuck….You. Seriously. Jenny, you have way more patience than I would in dealing with the asshats who think they are entitled to some sort of opinion on your marriage and/or where you spend your money. Back under the bridges with you, troll brigade!

845 Mycologista June 22, 2011 at 8:22 pm

I. LOVE. YOU.
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846 Jolene June 22, 2011 at 8:23 pm

I laughed loud enough to scare my cats at “IT’S FULL OF WHIMSY”.

I nearly peed myself when I SAW aforementioned chicken. Your Beyoncé rocks my freakin’ world!

847 Big Mike June 22, 2011 at 8:24 pm

You know you can dry yourself after a bath just fine using a beach towel.

848 Stephanie Somers June 22, 2011 at 8:24 pm

Best. story. ever.

849 Nicole June 22, 2011 at 8:25 pm

To Anonymous at #599, Robert at #586 is a guy that’s pro-Jenny, BRAVO Robert! Also, Dan at #603 seems to be pro-cock as well, because I rank that as the number 1 comment is all these 745 comments! :-) LMAO Jenny, I love you and all the others here who get the joke.
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850 Nicole June 22, 2011 at 8:26 pm

HOLY SH*T! You got nearly 100 more comments as I was reading!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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851 rebecca June 22, 2011 at 8:29 pm

oh. my. god. hahaha this has to be the BEST blog entry I’ve read. the best. i love it. i want to frame it. and i now want a 5 foot metal chicken… almost. :)

852 Mandy June 22, 2011 at 8:31 pm

I think I died from laughter. I must remember this someday when my husband bitches about me buying shoes. I need to FB this. It needs to go viral I swear. Men need to run scared. Best Revenge, anniversary gift in the world.

I say, put him in your bedroom and when victor says WTF is he doing in here, you just say, Well Victor Darling, I just need a big cock in the bedroom.
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853 RVA June 22, 2011 at 8:34 pm

Beyonce was worth every penny! This post is priceless – definitely the funniest thing I’ve read in ages! : D
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854 Jenny F June 22, 2011 at 8:36 pm

Can’t. Stop. Laughing. Thank you, this was hilarious! I hope you guys make it to anniversary #16.

855 kovy June 22, 2011 at 8:42 pm

That is the funniest fucking thing I have ever read. I was in tears. My husband also thought it was hilarious….but he didn’t cry like I did.

856 Jill June 22, 2011 at 8:44 pm

That is just flippin’ hilarious. I love people who have this kind of a sense of humor. Really, we need more of this in the world. Excellent job!

857 Lisa June 22, 2011 at 8:44 pm

One of my favorite singing groups at Faire sings a song about a missing rooster… its seems kind of fitting here, and will give you lots of good jokes.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tnxdcm7yQOU

858 Anonymous June 22, 2011 at 8:45 pm

Insanely funny. Laying in bed snickering trying not to wake my husband!

859 Anonymous June 22, 2011 at 8:46 pm

And people wonder why domestic violence rates are at an all-time high…

860 genevaq in IL June 22, 2011 at 8:53 pm

OMG, one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time, you must be a long lost sister in TX…when you moving back to IL hon, ’cause we need your sense of humor up here!!
you need to read our other ‘sister’, deranged.me

861 Laura June 22, 2011 at 8:56 pm

Well part of the chicken was pink. LoL I bet he has rethunk gripping about pink towels now that he gets to stare at a giant pink cock allday!!!!

862 Mike June 22, 2011 at 8:58 pm

Must find my own chicken NOW! 10th anniversary is tomorrow.

863 Patti June 22, 2011 at 8:58 pm

Funniest thing ever!!! Belly laughed until I was crying!!!!!!!!!!!!

864 Donna June 22, 2011 at 8:59 pm

Our 35th Anniversary is coming up in less than a week and I wish I could have a chicken…maybe a little taller since there are more years of marriage involved. I loved it!!

865 kristena June 22, 2011 at 9:01 pm

This is the first time I have read your blog… thank you to a friend… and I have to say I will continue to read until you decide to stop writing. I almost pee’d by pants when Beyonce was outside his window! My husband looked at me crazy multiple times and asked if I was ok even more. Thank you for making my long day so much better!

866 Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac June 22, 2011 at 9:01 pm

I love that 15yrs is big metal chickens! I bought my Hubs a similar one for his bday, but the story is not nearly as funny because he actually loved it. We named it Little Jerry…you know, Seinfeld! He’s a little rusty by now, but still cute: http://peaceloveandguacamole.com/2011/03/16/good-fences/
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867 Amy June 22, 2011 at 9:04 pm

Where’s your copyright logo? Make sure nobody steals this, uses it in a sitcom script.

What’s your personal record of blog comments?

I think Beyonce resembles Foghorn Leghorn, one of my lifelong favorites. Next time I go to Texas, I’m going shopping for my own metal chicken.

How many people are repeat commenters on this post? The comments on this post could be the basis of a case study for a grad student paper in psych, or sociology, or psychiatry….
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868 Theresa Nemeth June 22, 2011 at 9:05 pm

LOVE THIS!! I just read this to my mum on the phone after I was in tears from laughing.
So, she told me a story that this reminded of her of her and my dad. It goes:

My parents live on a farm..where I grew up. My dad would constantly park the tractor and equipment in the front yard when he came in the house. They left ruts and tore up the grass.
It drove her nuts and she would repeatedly tell him not to or that she would sell the farm equipment.

Needless to say, he continued. So finally, one day he came in from making hay ..having parked the tractor and haybind in the front yard and went to town. Mum went out and put 2 big For Sale signs on them!
Being prime hay season in Ohio, she got no less than 5 phone calls from people passing by (we live on a large state highway) wanting to know the price. Dad got home, didn’t notice the signs and was perplexed when he answered even more calls.

In the end, he was so mad that he didn’t say a word but went out and threw the signs on the ground and moved the tractor. She said he never parked them in the yard again! HA! Win.

869 Lisa M June 22, 2011 at 9:07 pm

Now that I can breathe again…THANK YOU! I haven’t laughed that hard or loud in a very long time. Thank God nobody is at home or they’d be down here wondering who died because I was crying so hard from laughing. Hey I’m coming up on thirty, I could get 2 big a$$ chickens!

870 Femigog June 22, 2011 at 9:08 pm

Best. Post.Ever. I swear me and my friends are in tears.

871 Mara June 22, 2011 at 9:13 pm

I… dare say Victor was trying to save money. That sounds like the argument underneath the fight. But if you have a hundred dollars to burn- fuck it. Everyone deserves chicken-shaped perspective.

872 Robin June 22, 2011 at 9:14 pm

OMG Hilarious!
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873 Jenn of the Jungle June 22, 2011 at 9:16 pm

Oh I have SOOOOOOO been here done this. And yes, with a Chicken.

874 Colleen June 22, 2011 at 9:17 pm

I just seriously laughed until I cried reading this. Not just my eyes tearing up, tears STREAMING down my face crying. I could totally see me and my girlfriends doing something like this.

875 nightmagik June 22, 2011 at 9:17 pm

This is so my own sense of humour – fantastic to know there are other ‘crazies’ out there as well. Mmmmm wonder where I could get a 5ft chicken in New Zealand……..

876 Piper June 22, 2011 at 9:20 pm

Maybe Beyonce and James Garfield should collaborate on something. Instead of christmas cards, maybe an album this year.

877 Mike June 22, 2011 at 9:20 pm

I found a link to this blog (the chicken towel thing) and during the read, I was pissing myself. I NEED to know where you got that tin rooster. I already told the wife iof I find one, I’m bringing it home.

878 Dana June 22, 2011 at 9:21 pm

This totally made my night. Thank you!!!!

879 margie June 22, 2011 at 9:21 pm

Epic. I cried. So funny.

880 Maxine Dangerous June 22, 2011 at 9:22 pm

That was fucking HYSTERICAL. :D

881 Elsa Corral June 22, 2011 at 9:26 pm

I laughed until I cried…. Awesome, now I see Beyonce’ in a whole other (5′ metal chicken) kinda light. Soooo worth it!!

882 Honey June 22, 2011 at 9:31 pm

Perfect! Wish I had bought it!

883 Michelle June 22, 2011 at 9:32 pm

Seriously!!! Some of the funniest shit I’ve read in a while!

and all I have to think about is ‘bok Bok Mother fucker’ and the tears stream down my face and the dogs look at me like I’ve lost my mind, because my kids are sleeping and can’t wonder what’s wrong with their mother.

I love you ! and your giant cock too.

884 elz June 22, 2011 at 9:32 pm

AWESOME. Just full of AWESOME.
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885 Nicole June 22, 2011 at 9:32 pm

Perfect reading for this week, my 10th anniversary. I had my husband read it and I could hear him laughing several times from the other side of the house. Good to know we are in good company, with those who use the f bomb and my favorite, motherfucker. I am also a sale freak and can justify a $100 chicken if you save $200. :)

886 Kaley June 22, 2011 at 9:33 pm

This seriously has made my life. Oh my goodness, what I wouldn’t give for that chicken. I’d love to see a picture of it from Victor’s window.
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887 UncleBatty June 22, 2011 at 9:34 pm

You’re my new favorite human.
I once gave a lady a rubber chicken after our first date – we were together seven years. Your story is better, and better told.

888 Beth June 22, 2011 at 9:37 pm

delicious! I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. my husband and i agree that we will be looking for a 5 foot metal chicken for our 15th anniversary!

889 Sylvia June 22, 2011 at 9:38 pm

That is hilarious! I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time!! I am now wanting a big metal chicken for my office!

890 Kate June 22, 2011 at 9:40 pm

Bahahahahaaha!!

I need a giant metal chicken to put on people’s doorsteps. This. Is. Amazing!

Keep us updated on Beyoncé’s journey.

891 NanaHem June 22, 2011 at 9:40 pm

Hilarious! Now I want to pick a fight with my husband…

892 Wendy June 22, 2011 at 9:40 pm

Thank you for this. I laughed so hard I cried. And then my husband came to see why I was crying. But I couldn’t explain it to him because I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t get any words out.

893 Al June 22, 2011 at 9:41 pm

This should have been titled, “How I ended up with a 5 foot cock in my backyard”…..lol.

894 mlaiuppa June 22, 2011 at 9:46 pm

Yes. Beyoncé *is* a him. He is a rooster.

But that’s OK. You can call him a chicken.

But I really think you should go back and see if they have any *real* chickens. Girl chickens.

Beyoncé looks lonely.

895 Rita June 22, 2011 at 9:46 pm

well after 870 comments what can I possibly hope to say that someone hasn’t already said…but i’ll just say that was the best thing i think i’ve ever read. seems everyone i know reads you. you’re awesome. and that chicken..or should I say 15 anniversary gift is awesome.

beyonce.

awesome.

896 Kate Ludlam June 22, 2011 at 9:48 pm

Thank you for this great story — I have now a new response “If you are not careful, buddy, you’re getting a f*&*cking chicken!” love it :)

897 terri June 22, 2011 at 9:49 pm

omg i so want the giant cock to make people laugh wow i would have bought it lmao luv it

898 Kate B. June 22, 2011 at 9:50 pm

Brillant!

899 Lisa (Book Blab) June 22, 2011 at 9:51 pm

It’s like the big fork and spoon.

Nice.

900 Kanesha June 22, 2011 at 9:53 pm

I’m coming up on 13 years in July. Would a mini-cock be appropriate? I’d like to name it Napoleon.
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901 Kelly B. June 22, 2011 at 9:54 pm

I am dying here! I totally just woke my husband up because I couldn’t control myself. Tears are streaming down my face and I had to wait 10 minutes to even comment because I was doubled over laughing! Oh the down side, my abs are killing me because I tried my first Pilates class yesterday and all the laughter causes me pain, but Beyonce was SO worth it! Best blog post I’ve ever read!

902 Susan June 22, 2011 at 9:54 pm

Love it. Love it!!

Totally get the attraction. I have a 3 foot metal bird in my bedroom. Wanda doesn’t know if she is a crane or a flamingo. She vacillates between the 2…..obviously some childhood imprinting screwed her up.

Anyway….thanks for the laughs.

Wanna join my Society of Metal Fowl?

903 Delissa Clardy June 22, 2011 at 9:57 pm

I found this post through some friends, and I have to say this is the BEST post EVER! I love that chicken!

904 Ruthanng Fubbles (@liberalcrone) June 22, 2011 at 9:58 pm

I laughed like a hyena when I read this. I sent it to my daughter who said she laughed so hard she couldn’t breathe. I must have that chicken.

905 Tricia Rose June 22, 2011 at 9:58 pm

For heaven’s sake sleep with him – immediately~

906 Shirley June 22, 2011 at 9:59 pm

This post is just amazeballs!!

907 Vinegar Martini June 22, 2011 at 10:02 pm

My 15th anniversary is next year – thank you so much for the gift idea!
Laughed so hard reading this I could not breathe!
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908 Leigh June 22, 2011 at 10:05 pm

I’ve read through this post a few times now trying to understand where all the hostility is coming from with some of the comments.

Yeah, they had a fight and yeah, Jenny bought something that she knew would piss off Victor, but, it seems to me that he was already in a bad mood.

This, however, is the man that bought Jenny James Garfield! He seems to understand his wife and if he doesn’t understand, he at least tolerates her shenanigans fairly well (as all good spouses should).

People have stupid fights about the littlest things. I’ve raged at Mister W before because he won’t tuck the sheets in when he makes the bed. He’s flipped out at me because of a Comcast technical issue. Underlying stresses outside the home often have us blowing steam at our spouses.

Who are we to make such negative comments? One might say that by the very nature of blogging we “invite” that kind of attack. But if you were raised properly, I imagine that the old adage, “If you can’t say something nice…” might apply.

Besides, quite honestly, a giant metal chicken seems just like the kind of thing Jenny would purchase regardless.
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909 Ashley June 22, 2011 at 10:05 pm

This is the funniest thing ever. I am so buying a giant chicken and doing this to my husband lol ;)

910 Jen June 22, 2011 at 10:06 pm

“knock knock motherfucker” is my new greeting for my husband. He reciprocates. He? Is awesome.

911 Mads June 22, 2011 at 10:06 pm

I have had an extremely shitty night. On night like these, I turn to the internet, but Pioneer Woman and Bakerella just wouldn’t do.
You didn’t disappoint.
Thanks.
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912 Heather June 22, 2011 at 10:06 pm

Jenny–my husband and I have been laughing so hard we have been crying for the last hour, not only at your post, but at the comments that follow. We have been married for 14 years, through ups and downs, and both agree that laughter is the best medicine for ANY marriage. It will hold you together through all the times you want to strangle one another. You have just gained two more loyal followers, and we are looking for a chicken to stick somewhere in our house, so we can forever laugh at this story……bless you for sharing, and your husband for his part it in. :)

913 Christine June 22, 2011 at 10:12 pm

Oh my Gosh! This made me laugh for the first time in a LONG time. So much so that I have to know where you got this thing? I want one. If for no other reason than it would really irritate the neighbors who give us a hard time about EVERYTHING…

914 Christine June 22, 2011 at 10:12 pm

Oh my Gosh! This made me laugh for the first time in a LONG time. So much so that I have to know where you got this thing? I want one. If for no other reason than it would really irritate the neighbors who give us a hard time about EVERYTHING…

915 Jenn June 22, 2011 at 10:18 pm

I’m so glad there are other marriages that parallel mine. I’m so, so storing that away for a particularly cranky-pants moment.

916 LTF June 22, 2011 at 10:26 pm

I would have bought that chicken if I’d seen it. So jealous.

917 Brenna June 22, 2011 at 10:28 pm

I just got to read this thanks to your blog’s recent aversion to being online. I have to tell you, I laughed until I cried and my stomach is all spasmy. It’s the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time. Sorry, Victor. It IS a nice chicken!
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918 tangled1 June 22, 2011 at 10:29 pm

Post 839 annonymous. As a survivor of domestc violence your response is offensive. Domestic violence occurs because someone cant control their own temper & is a bully.

Jenny has responded that she showed this post to her husband & would not have posted it if he was offended.

Jenny it was hilarious. It had me looking for giant chickens all day. My friend Z found me a hand made art one but it was way more than 100 dollars & so sadly is still at the store. Id love beyonce postcards.

919 Cyndi June 22, 2011 at 10:29 pm

I think the chicken needs some towels!

920 Julie June 22, 2011 at 10:38 pm

Hilarious!! Thank you for the laugh…a friend on Facebooks shared the link to your blog and we can’t stop laughing (and crying)…every woman has their “shopping for a chicken story”, but you have captured it beautifully!! Love ya, Victor. Enjoy your CHICKEN!

921 sam June 22, 2011 at 10:38 pm

funniest blog post ever!!!!!i applaud your awesomeness,your humour+your defence of poor victor!heehee,my sis+i cried+rolled with laughter.thanks for making our day!honestly funniest thing i have read in years! XD

922 Lori June 22, 2011 at 10:41 pm

I don’t get it, am I the only person that thinks your’e a crazy bag for buying the hotpink beachtowels in the first place then bitching that you need more towels because the last ones you bought were pink?

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY ALL MEN THINK WOMEN ARE CRAZY!!!

Your poor husband.

923 Amber Wendover June 22, 2011 at 10:48 pm

HAHA! This just totally made my day. Love the chicken. Love it.

924 Deena June 22, 2011 at 10:48 pm

HILARIOUS! I am laughing so hard I am crying…..I think it could only get better if you snuck out the back door, wrapped a towel around it’s lower section, put a shower puff in it’s beak, and rang the doorbell again! Then you’d have the cock in the towel…..LOL! I am going to start following your blog solely on this post! :)

925 June June 22, 2011 at 10:54 pm

Or… you could not waste money. No wonder north america is going down the tubes. no one ‘needs’ towels or things like this. Is it really worth your marriage?

926 poppy June 22, 2011 at 10:54 pm

I am still laughing a day and a half later! My husband was immediately on board. Now we just speak to each other with random quotes from this fantastic piece. Pure genius.

927 Danielle June 22, 2011 at 10:57 pm

OMG – this is the funniest blog post I have read in ages! I so want me a big metal chicken. But I would have named him the Neener Chicken – because life is all about the neener!
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928 emama June 22, 2011 at 11:01 pm

OMG. This is amazing. Inspiration for all!
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929 Suebob June 22, 2011 at 11:03 pm

I can’t decide whether to call my new band “Immature Spendthrift” or “Massive Bitch.” I think Massive Bitch would fit on t-shirts better but might get banned from WalMart for language. What do you think?

In other news, if you charged each person 11 cents to comment, you could have paid for Beyonce by now.
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930 Odysseus Drifts June 22, 2011 at 11:08 pm

I read this 3 times in a row. And I laughed each time.
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931 The Brooding Hen June 22, 2011 at 11:14 pm

Now, if I was Victor, I’d cut off the chicken’s head, put it under the sheets on your bed and let you wake up screaming about it. But since I’m not Victor, I found this post completely HILARIOUS!
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932 DesertMom June 22, 2011 at 11:15 pm

You are my new hero. My husband has nooooooo idea what’s coming in September, 2012. You have now solved my anniversary gift dilemma. FIFTEEN YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS! Priceless.

933 Leslie June 22, 2011 at 11:15 pm

This makes me happy, only the way a 5 foot chicken can!
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934 Jenn J. June 22, 2011 at 11:19 pm

This is seriously the best story I’ve ever read. I was laughing so hard, I cried. Even my dad laughed hard, which is really saying something. And Beyonce is lovely!

935 Maureen June 22, 2011 at 11:22 pm

First time I have seen your blog and I laughed until I cried. So funny, I love the chicken! Can’t wait to read more!

936 Sharon June 22, 2011 at 11:24 pm

My friend, Melanie, and I have this chicken impression that we do when people piss us off . . . a cluck, like Ba Kawwww . . . Fuk oooofffff. Puts a smile of my face every time!

937 megan June 22, 2011 at 11:28 pm

laughed so hard my face hurt…THANK YOU!

938 Kim M. June 22, 2011 at 11:29 pm

Thank you Thank you Thank you for your blog post it was fabulous!! I didnt feel so alone tonight in this big ole world. I would have done the exact same thing as you all of us should be friends and hang out and go shopping. then we could all have a 5 foot chicken starring down at our husbands hahaha. I seriously freaking love you!!

939 Kim M. June 22, 2011 at 11:30 pm

Now wait a minute Tequila gun? going back in I have some more reading to do……….

940 jessica June 22, 2011 at 11:31 pm

truly funny. i think I’m in love with you.

941 Merritt June 22, 2011 at 11:44 pm

What a fantastic story! I loved how the chicken/rooster ends up in the view of his only window. Next time he feels that you needn’t purchase something because you ‘just did’, hopefully he will think about the alternatives that might come home.
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942 Crafty Farmer June 22, 2011 at 11:46 pm

I have ALWAYS wanted one of those!!! Shockingly, even though today is my 15th anniversary of wedded bliss, my man slave didn’t get me one…..

943 heather b June 22, 2011 at 11:47 pm

i have seriously been laughing for like 15 minutes now. i have tears streaming down my face and can barely breathe. i am so thankful i went to the bathroom before reading this or i really may have pissed my pants. thank you so much for my absolute favorite story i have ever heard. u have no idea how many times i will be retelling this to people for years to come

944 Marie June 22, 2011 at 11:54 pm

I’m sure I’m the millionth person to tell you this, but your blog is kind of fucking amazing. And by kind of I mean, no really, this is shit superior to everything. I’ve basically been automatically disowned from my family for chuckling during our evening tv routine. In hopes that I don’t spur you to file for a restraining order, I’ll refrain from rambling and describing my new found girl crush on you. (Can you blame me? A woman who’s hilarious? I know it’s not unheard of.. but lets be real.)

945 Ben Allen June 23, 2011 at 12:01 am

Well, i must confess, i do wish i had a cock that big (It aint a chicken, its a cock). But, alas, i dont. Mind you, if i DID have a cock that big, what would i do with it?
My hands arent that big.

Nice cock.

something my wife has probably taken note of too.

946 Jojo June 23, 2011 at 12:04 am

Definitely found this to be hilarious… I had a crappy night at work and found a link to this on facebook. It was the lift I needed, I can go to bed with a smile on my face. Thanks = )

947 Rachel Y. June 23, 2011 at 12:06 am

OMG, girl, you and I go WAY back, but I have to tell you, this one is ON FIRE!!!

I have seen people reposting on facebook who say they’ve never heard of you before
and you even got a link in the babycenter.com group I belong to! I think you’re going
VIRAL! That’s right, VIRAL BITCHEZ and all due to Victor and his enormous cock.

You go girl! :) LOVE IT! I wish I lived in BFE because I KNOW we would be friends. ;)

948 mouseymom June 23, 2011 at 12:12 am

HIL. AR. I. OUS! My favorite part is when you husband answered the door only to find an enormous chicken!! That is so something that would amuse me and I wish I would have thought of it first!!! mouseymom.blogspot.com

949 some guy June 23, 2011 at 12:12 am

Marriage as… combat? Is this as loveless as it sounds, or do you guys get off on it?

950 Scott June 23, 2011 at 12:14 am

I’m a dude and no matter how angry I was at my wife for buying too many towels or spending money on stuff we didn’t need, if I giant metal rooster rang my door bell, I’d probably laugh my ass off and then have a seriously mad make out session with my hilarious, crazy, spirited wife.

951 marikay June 23, 2011 at 12:14 am

brilliant! I laughed until I cried……thank you!

952 Shantell June 23, 2011 at 12:17 am

That was so damned funny I just could not stop laughing. Can’t believe he wasn’t pleased you brought his anniversary present early (bloody men). Thank you for the much needed laugh :-) I have shared on facebook because I believe everyone needs a good laugh

953 Mark June 23, 2011 at 12:44 am

Don’t know what Victor’s problem is, I’d have thought he’d be proud, and bragging about his five foot cock. Most guys are so hung up on a pecker anyway,, peck – peck – peck,, hehehehe

954 Cathy Crawley June 23, 2011 at 12:44 am

I think I peed my pants a little bit reading this. Hysterical!!!

955 kristie taylor June 23, 2011 at 12:48 am

LIKE OH MY GOD!! THIS IS SOME FUNNY SHIT!!
THAT IS ONE BIG COCK!!
thanks so much for the laugh!! this had me chuckling so loud I woke hubby up..
he was like whats so funny at two oclock in the morning.. and I said “”a five foot cock!!”
he was like ?????? lmao!!
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956 Brandie June 23, 2011 at 12:50 am

This is priceless and hilarious. Thank you so much for that … I needed this good laugh =)
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957 Broot June 23, 2011 at 12:55 am

OMG I laughed so hard I was crying and my husband thought I had finally gone insane and said to the kids “hey remember when I said your mother was going crazy? This is what it looks like.”
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958 Jo LittleWolfe June 23, 2011 at 12:56 am

I’ve had one of the crappiest days of the year so far. And it was completely caused by the stupidity in the shape of a man. I had to read this 4 times before I could get through it all without cackling like a mad woman and scaring the ever loving crap out of my dogs. My small group of friends has decided that there will be a “Secure and Relocate” mission for our “chicken”. Our “Chicken” will actually be the “Pink Passable Pig”. Because I am a medically retired soldier, they would be eating cherry popsicles in hell before I could move something that large, we are going to shoot for a more manageble 3ft. Happy days and thanks to much for making my day,

959 Jay June 23, 2011 at 1:02 am

Why are you blogging about my life!? LOL

Awesome post!
I heard my wife laughing out loud tonight and it was the result of your awesome post which she INSISTED I check out and read.

So glad I did.. :)
P.S. Let me know if Beyoncé has to be sold.. something about a giant metal chicken guarding my door is appealing.

960 Paulina June 23, 2011 at 1:09 am

And this is why I love you! Thank you for that chicken.

961 Hairy Farmer Family June 23, 2011 at 1:17 am

Delurking to say: I laughed. Oh, how I bloody laughed!
That is EXACTLY the type of thing I would spend my last 100 quid on. Worth every penny.

962 Angie R. June 23, 2011 at 1:18 am

Exactly what I would have done with my BFF. And yes – I saw this somewhere on FB and just read on another board. Classic move!

963 Melissa French June 23, 2011 at 1:34 am

OMfreakinG I’ve only read your blog back to December and I’ve already laughed so hard I cried. Three times. Lemme go to sleep already, it’s 3:33. AM. And duct tape and cats never ever mix. Not even leopard print duct tape.
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964 Kat June 23, 2011 at 1:41 am

Oh! My! Goodness!!! Apparently, your husband doesn’t have a sense of humor…

I am exceedingly fortunate to have a husband with a great sense of humor, but he would have really been beside himself if I’d spent $100 on a big metal chicken, which is why he rarely says No when I tell him we need ____ or I want ____ (not to mention my income is the majority of the $ coming in to the house right now)

So, we never really “battle” and don’t have to pick which battles to have. He just reminds me which bills are still due and how much money we have to do something fun with.

Did I say I was very lucky to have found a wonderful husband? Yup, he’s pretty cool. :)

965 Clive June 23, 2011 at 2:04 am

Just loved it!

Have our 15th wedding anniversary coming up next week and I’m on a mission to find a 5ft chicken or something very similar!!
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966 Joshua June 23, 2011 at 2:29 am

Poor guy. Poor both of you. You’re bitter and spiteful, and he’s bitter and angry. I read this, and my stomach sank. I don’t get how so many people read this with side-splitting laughter. You value the chicken {or what it represents} more than your husband. I hope the next 15 years are better for the two of you.

967 Aunty Bumbles June 23, 2011 at 2:34 am

WOW I wish I had a 5 foot Giant Cock that I could do that to my husband with.

GO You … :o )

And totally agree with the comment “wait a few months then offer to get rid of it” and watch that husband of yours try to save face and keep ‘Beyonce’ at the same time LOL

968 Chicken luver June 23, 2011 at 2:35 am

Fantastic! Made me laugh so hard I woke up my husband… He said why u laughing and I said bawk bawk motherfucker! Lol

969 Josie Gill June 23, 2011 at 2:57 am

Absolutly fantastic…I want one.

970 Megan Izykowski June 23, 2011 at 3:22 am

OMG!!! You are killing me with the chicken!! I want one tooo! Seriously it is so up my alley ! Ken would roll his eyes and think,”thats my wife” and Mom would freak! It is a twofer-!!!!!!!

971 Anonymous June 23, 2011 at 3:26 am

I just think this is perfect! Thank you so much for the laugh. What a gem. Brilliant.

972 Erin June 23, 2011 at 3:47 am

Holy moses! That was SO funny! I loved the “Clean up on Aisle 3″ and the picture of Victor’s chicken! Thank you for making me laugh coffee out of my nose!

973 sapir June 23, 2011 at 4:12 am
974 SavageMind June 23, 2011 at 4:32 am

My wife would do this to me and I would chuckle a bit. Then I would weld it to the roof of her van. Then I would be rolling.

975 the wifely person June 23, 2011 at 4:43 am

I gotta get me one of those chickens! Brilliant gift.
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976 Bud June 23, 2011 at 5:09 am

I got $100 that says this chick’s a housewife.

977 Jennifer Swartz 6 months married... June 23, 2011 at 5:11 am

My girlfriend sent me this to read and I am so glad she did. I was drinking my morning coffee and laughing my ass off !! Great story and great lesson to your husband!

978 Laura June 23, 2011 at 5:18 am

Where can I get me a Beyonce? I NEED a Beyonce! OMG. Thanks for the laugh!

979 Smedly June 23, 2011 at 5:27 am

Think of the potential at Halloween or Christmas? You will be the envy of the neighborhood.

980 Marinka June 23, 2011 at 5:42 am

I’m really upset that people are mad at the chicken and are calling for its sterilization. I’m alerting PETA
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981 Sherri June 23, 2011 at 5:42 am

Friggin’ hysterical!!
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982 Karla June 23, 2011 at 5:47 am

Hahahahahhaha this is the funniest thing I have ever read! I have been sitting here shrieking in laughter! Love it.

Can’t wait to read it to my own hubby!!
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983 Colleen Sevitz June 23, 2011 at 5:48 am

I can’t remember when last I laughed till I cried. Today was one of those times, I love you too xxx

984 Glenda June 23, 2011 at 5:51 am

Soooo funny. That sounds like something I would do.!!!

985 Candice June 23, 2011 at 5:53 am

OMG hilarious – my husband cracked it at me for laughing my a$$ off!!!!

986 Ralph June 23, 2011 at 5:54 am

I don’t get it.

987 Jenn @ You know...that Blog? June 23, 2011 at 5:58 am

Oh my god. Seriously love you!! This was the laugh that was missing from my life until this morning. I have got to get me a giant metal chicken (and utter the words from your third commenter, naturally). Great post :)

988 cora June 23, 2011 at 5:59 am

I just cried from all the lauging I did. My husband doesn’t understand.

989 EdT. June 23, 2011 at 6:01 am

Oh look – there’s a Big Red (and blue, and pink, and green…) Cock on your doorstep!

~EdT.
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990 Julia G June 23, 2011 at 6:06 am

I have read this three times and it’s still funny.
Here is something worth 11 cents.

991 Ted June 23, 2011 at 6:09 am

Another reason not to get married.

992 Donna June 23, 2011 at 6:10 am

You need to remind Victor that he is lucky you didn’t go out and get a “real” cock! Great story though. Thanks for sharing a great laugh.

993 verna June 23, 2011 at 6:12 am

I hate to tell all of you, but it is not a chicken it is a rooster, chickens don’t have the comb on top of their head.

994 Jennifer R. June 23, 2011 at 6:17 am

OH. MY. WORD. That is quite possibly the funniest thing I have ever read!!! Seriously I was sobbing in hysterics over here! Tears running down my cheeks! I LOVE that chicken!

995 Ed June 23, 2011 at 6:19 am

Wow this is sooo hilarious!!

996 Tracy June 23, 2011 at 6:27 am

Lets se there is Traditional, Modern and now Random Crap I love it!
You need to make a list! I’m coming up on 29… Maybe that can be the year chain saw carved Bear!

997 gatlingun June 23, 2011 at 6:28 am

I predict sales of 5′ tall chickens will rise dramatically!

998 CaroG87 June 23, 2011 at 6:31 am

I. Am. In. TEARS. Srsly. I am sitting here in my office, big wet weepy tears rolling down and cheeks aching, and I’m wheezing from laughing so damn hard. You, Victor, and Beyonce have made my morning. What started out as a completely crappy work day is truly better now, no shyte.

I need to find Beyonce’s sibling, and put it in the corner of my office, if for no other reason than to remind me of your story. That, and to scare the bejeezus out of people. Yeah.
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999 shannon June 23, 2011 at 6:32 am

OMG!! i don’t know where or how i ran across your blog but i’m soooo pmsl!! you are awesome! tell victor to have a drink and chilllll… :-p

1000 Amy June 23, 2011 at 6:38 am

Thanks for the laugh! I really needed a good laugh. I love your sense of humor! Victor is lucky to have you. I imagine you make life very interesting. He should leave the buying towels thing up to you. I will never have a big metal rooster named Beyoncé because my hubby already knows who is in charge of knowing weather we need new towels or not. lol
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1001 Aimee June 23, 2011 at 6:44 am

Seriously, I don’t know which is funnier…the blog post, or the indignant comments that came after it. Know your role, woman, before you get stoned in the town square. Along with your cock!

And to Melly, I am certainly not wealthy, we do struggle to put food on the table sometimes, and I still found this HYSTERICAL. You know why? Because if I had $100 to spend on a big-ass metal chicken….I TOTALLY WOULD.

1002 kelly June 23, 2011 at 6:48 am

I’m laughing so hard at this that I’m scaring my 17 month old daughter! One of the funniest posts I’ve read!

1003 Patricia June 23, 2011 at 6:50 am

This is incredible. Hands-down. LOVE IT!!

1004 kp June 23, 2011 at 6:51 am

You’re my hero. Or maybe your friend Laura is. Either way, I’m sending this to my man, cos he’ll totally get it (and thank God I don’t have access to a giant metal chicken!).
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1005 Lindsay June 23, 2011 at 6:51 am

You HAVE to post this on the Facebook page of the place you bought it from (I am guessing from the tag it rhymes with “Gome Hoods”). They ALWAYS want to know the “great things!” their customers have found in their stores. I bet they have NEVER had a customer find such a good deal on a cock!

1006 Kris June 23, 2011 at 6:54 am

You are the most hilarious writer… ever. I would read anything you wrote!! L O V E your sense of humor! Lighten up, Victor. ;) You only live once…. with or without Beyonce.

1007 Steph June 23, 2011 at 7:00 am

OMG this is the funniest thing I have ever read! You have started my day off perfectly and I have to go share this with everyone who will listen to me!!!!

1008 Amanda June 23, 2011 at 7:00 am

I must have read this when you first posted it, there was only about six comments then. Truly it’s the funniest thing ive read in a long time …. Maybe ever! I keep coming back to read it! Then I read all the comments, all 945 of the fuckers and ran the gammet of emotions, you know, awe that you reached so many people, vague amusement that you were receiving marriage counseling based on a humorous entry in a blog and then I sort of started to get pissed. Finally it dawned on me that you just haven’t made it until you have random people ( or, I suspect, one lone random and I suspect forever single person) trolling your page! Congrats Jenny YOU WIN THE INTERNET! I’ll have a drink or seven for you!

1009 lceel June 23, 2011 at 7:05 am

Comment #955

Cool.
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1010 holly June 23, 2011 at 7:06 am

Awesome story! but, wow, Victor needs to chill the eff out! Give him a joint and some whiskey, that should calm him down and possible appreciate the chicken! At least a good chuckle! ;)

1011 Suebob June 23, 2011 at 7:06 am

I’m so bummed out that SavageMind from #930 is married. Because that is the kind of husband I want.
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1012 Rosie June 23, 2011 at 7:12 am

So Victor objects to staring at a giant cock? Nice, Victor. Reallllll nice.

1013 Kayla June 23, 2011 at 7:15 am

NAME THE STORE!!!!! I want! lol Correction I..err..my husband, NEEDS one ;)

1014 mindy June 23, 2011 at 7:17 am

oh my god….that was prolly the most entertaining story i’ve read lately…..it was ‘blow snot out your nose’ funny and i thank the gods i was home alone when that happened. i could casually wipe my laptop and not be too embarrassed. i still have tears in my eyes cause the pics are PRICELESS. def sharing this one.

1015 The Husband June 23, 2011 at 7:23 am

Very funny ladies, my wife just sent me the link to this.

I on the other hand would permanently mount the chicken in our living room.

Your move my love :)

1016 Becks June 23, 2011 at 7:23 am

I need a 7 year anniversary metal chicken. I SO could have used that on my anni Monday. Thank you for being awesome.
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1017 Helen June 23, 2011 at 7:26 am

great story.. will have to share with some very special people.. they will just luff it!! i will have to go craft a chicken in your honor… smaller of course!!

1018 Helen June 23, 2011 at 7:27 am

great story.. will have to share with some very special people.. they will just luff it!! i will have to go craft a chicken in your honor… smaller of course!!

1019 DaNelle Wolford June 23, 2011 at 7:28 am

HOLY SHIZ girl, I have not laughed that hard in forever! You are an amazing writer, kudos to you!

1020 Rocky Mountain Mama June 23, 2011 at 7:31 am

I have no idea how you are keeping up with all these comments, but I just wanted to say that this made my day…my week. The funniest thing I have seen/read in a LONG time! Fantastic! I will be showing the hubs this reminding him to pick his battles when it comes to money. :)
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1021 Dorothy June 23, 2011 at 7:35 am

OMG, I love that. It’s PERFECT
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1022 Dorothy June 23, 2011 at 7:36 am

HILARIOUS!!!!!
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1023 Kathy June 23, 2011 at 7:38 am

Where’s the pic of the view of the chicken from Victor’s office? LOL

1024 Debra Lynn Lazar June 23, 2011 at 7:39 am

LMAO!!!! I have a feeling there’s going to be a run on big, 5′ chickens at Kohl’s and HomeGoods now. You should definitely get a cut.

1025 Veronica Reed June 23, 2011 at 7:39 am

I’lll give you $150 for it. :) Wonderful story – made my day. If I get upset today, I’ll remember that picture of the chicken at the door.

1026 Sandy Brown June 23, 2011 at 7:42 am

This is the first time i have been to your website, I love the chicken saga. I am in my kitchen laughing uncontrolably. I want one of those chickens. You are my new hero. Sandy from Denver, NC

1027 Ritz June 23, 2011 at 7:44 am

Jus 1 Q. Why beyonce’

1028 Jenstar June 23, 2011 at 7:47 am

U are my hero.
I LOL’d at the picture!!!
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1029 Frank F. June 23, 2011 at 7:48 am

I agree with Joshua #949… not funny. That chicken is going to harbor resentment every time he looks at it. Also, most of the posters who actually think this is funny are women. This is clearly a blog for man-haters.

1030 Frank F. June 23, 2011 at 7:57 am

I agree with Joshua #949… not funny. That chicken is going to harbor resentment every time he looks at it. Also, most of the posters who actually think this is funny are women. This is clearly a blog for man-haters. Do the right thing. Get rid of the chicken.

1031 Bob June 23, 2011 at 7:57 am

Grow up!!

Two things about that story: 1. you wasted $100 on a big stupid chicken, and then lied when pressured (“It’s an anniversary gift” and “I put it in front of your window on purpose”.) 2. “It wouldn’t have happened if it had been towels” means “If I had just gotten my way” which means you’re just a spoiled brat in a woman’s body. You need to grow up.

1032 Joy June 23, 2011 at 7:59 am

Ha! That’s hilarious and now *I* want a big metal chicken. Bok, bok!!

1033 Michelle Young June 23, 2011 at 8:00 am

You have an awesome sense of humor…it’s almost better than mine. Like a friend of mine always says, “You can never have enough cock in your kitchen” so find a nice corner for your new metal friend (OK, wall) and keep on writing. My 15-year wedding anniversary is next week, and you’ve now inspired me to go to HomeGoods instead of Frederick’s for a gift….
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1034 Ritz June 23, 2011 at 8:04 am

That’s the way to do it my hubby knows better. If I say new towels he says how much u want. If I say chicken he says baked or fried. Its wonderful makin those memories. Victor is gonna end up luvin that chick. To the negative lonley ppl out there. Git a life. Or a Cock for that matter.

1035 Katt June 23, 2011 at 8:05 am

Funniest. Post. Ever. Dude. He needs to lighten up.

1036 Cindy June 23, 2011 at 8:06 am

Love, love, love it! Laugh out loud fun.

1037 Gina Juras June 23, 2011 at 8:06 am

You could have come home with THIS chicken instead:

http://www.friedmanarchives.com/France/pages/France%200102%20DSC05907.JPG.htm

I want one of those chickens. Where did you find it?

1038 Bea Campbell June 23, 2011 at 8:06 am

Wonderful! It’s a while since i laughed out loud at something i was reading. Pick your battles indeed.

1039 Moya June 23, 2011 at 8:06 am

This is the funniest thing I have ever read. ever. My co-workers think I’m crying so they’re ignoring meeting my eyes but actually Im laughing at the hilarity of a 5-foot metal chicken named Beyonce (I see the junk in the truck, aptly named my friend).

1040 Dawn June 23, 2011 at 8:07 am

Laughed so hard I think I broke something!

And Frank I guess my husband is a man hater cuz he lol too and said we need to get a giant chicken… and she said Victor laughed at this too… and I have several FB friends that are guys and have laughed at it…

This is a humor blog… stop taking everything so seriously…

1041 cheryl darrow June 23, 2011 at 8:08 am

My favorite hubby and I had the same kind of argument 29 years ago over a copper pot I bought. He stormed off to sit in the middle of our pond, likeThe Thinker. Luckily the pond was empty. I should have taken a picture of him…I think I called him the same thing “motherfucker.” This year we will have been married 38 years. He’s still my favorite hubby and he knows not to piss me off.

1042 The Bullfrog June 23, 2011 at 8:09 am

I was in absolute tears of laughter reading this, it really made my day.

You and my wife have a lot in common, she once spent 2 months making me a 2 metre tall elf, complete with pointy hat and clothes, for Christmas – and then took photos of me recoiling in terror when I opened my eyes to see my “surprise present”looming towards me :-)

I hope that your husband appreciates that a good sense of humour, and a wife who can keep you both laughing, is worth a lot more than $100.

1043 Amy @ Boston Twin Mommy June 23, 2011 at 8:10 am

This might be the best post ever… I am totally going to pimp out my front lawn with a five foot chicken. That’ll shut my husband up! :)
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1044 Jill June 23, 2011 at 8:10 am

that story is HILARIOUS and exactly something I would do – ha :)
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1045 Kathy June 23, 2011 at 8:11 am

Holy Cow, that was the funniest thing ever! Totally something I woudl have done. One day, you guys will laugh hysterically over this! :)

1046 Building Blocks June 23, 2011 at 8:12 am

Love it! ALL. OF. IT.
I will be sending this to my husband…and asking for a 5ft cock!
LMFAO!
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1047 Ritz June 23, 2011 at 8:13 am

@frank git out if u don’t like it.

1048 Michelle June 23, 2011 at 8:14 am

LMFAO!!!!!! Tomorrow is my birthday…when I woke up this morning I was going for dinner and a movie, but now…you guessed it – I am most certain that I NEED a giant cock. :)

1049 Buddahkitty June 23, 2011 at 8:14 am

That’s an awesome story! Love it, Love Beyoncé! Love it more cause every time I buy little face towels and put them in the linen closet my husband asks me, where did these come from? So I just started answering him that the other towels are mating and those are the babies. Seriously, where else would they come from? lol Cheers

1050 Carolyn June 23, 2011 at 8:16 am

OMG! AWESOME!!! You’re way with words is wonderful! Darn near pissed myself laughing while reading it out loud to my husband, who couldn’t understand me anyways and started reading it over my shoulder.. and nearly pissed himself laughing! I could totally see my mother doing this to my father.. and maybe.. in a few years I could see doing this to my husband.. though I think he might take it a little better than your husband did! lolol! Well-played!

1051 Kaspy June 23, 2011 at 8:17 am

Oh my gosh! That was SO funny! I was crying I was laughing so hard. Probably because my husband and I just had this argument about throw pillows! He has no idea what he is in for! Except I would LOVE to have a massive peacock at the door!

1052 Claire June 23, 2011 at 8:17 am

I hope I make it to 15 years of marriage, because metal chickens for 15 years would make me one happy camper.
Sqwackin’ (ha, get it!!!?? No really..get it???) post lady!!!!

1053 Kate June 23, 2011 at 8:18 am

I don’t know you, but I want to be friends with you & Laura. I am crying I was laughing so hard at this. I can completely picture me & any one of my friends doing this to our husbands.

1054 Julie June 23, 2011 at 8:21 am

Totally looks like you are in Homegoods. I’m going there tonight just to check for giant Chickens. Of course, oil drums are not as abundant in Chicago as they are in Texas. Maybe my Homegoods will have a chicken made out of cattle slaughtering equipment or mob paraphernalia.

1055 Ed June 23, 2011 at 8:23 am

Victor’s pissed because he’s realizing he married a woman dumb enough to have so little to do in life that she idly hangs out during the day pissing away their money on absolute nonsense that no one needs while he’s out working a job.
Apparently she’s made a habit of this – so it’s going to be hard to lighten up now that he’s realizing that he’s married an idiot.

1056 JRC June 23, 2011 at 8:24 am

Raise your hand if you’ve had this same towel fight with your husband. (JRC raises hand)

Now raise your hand if you sent this blog post to your husband (JRC raises hand)

Thanks for the laugh!

1057 Elizabeth Bento June 23, 2011 at 8:25 am

Awesome. Thanks for a great laugh this morning.
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1058 AntB June 23, 2011 at 8:30 am

Great post!

Thanks!

1059 Cookie June 23, 2011 at 8:31 am

Clearly, Frank has never had a fight with his significant other. I do not hate men, or my husband, but sometimes I want to choke him and bring a new cock into the house.

Personally, I would’ve never told the hubby we needed towels and bought them anyway. It’s always easier to ask for forgiveness.

1060 Jme June 23, 2011 at 8:32 am

Hilarious. seriously, and @ # 6 Sarah, I literally almost spit out my coffee from laughing so much @ your brusied banana post.

already love this blog.
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1061 ask-krysta June 23, 2011 at 8:34 am

i gotta say, i need one of these. i loved it. it was funny. maybe victor lost his funny bone?

1062 Halfy June 23, 2011 at 8:40 am

While I do admit that the chicken is indeed awesome, I’m going to have to side with your husband on this one. $100 on a frivolous purchase when even the cost of towels warrants discussion is just too wasteful. It’s also showcasing a lack of respect in my opinion.

You should give him $100 and tell him to buy whatever he wants with it.

1063 kafein June 23, 2011 at 8:42 am

I think you can confidently tell Victor this post has more than paid for the chicken. And the towels.

Most our our towels were wedding gifts. In 2003. And my husband would make the same statement.

*bang head*

1064 Lynnea June 23, 2011 at 8:43 am

ROFLMAO! Made my morning….a giant chicken would be why my husband NEVER says not to buy stuff. He has been trained to say things like…I know you wouldn’t spend money we don’t have…I love that, glad we have it now..more towels! Great!…because he never wants to explain a giant chicken to the neighbors.

1065 Mike June 23, 2011 at 8:44 am

Very funny post. I’ll be back!

1066 magsavci June 23, 2011 at 8:46 am

You are my hero.

1067 Bright June 23, 2011 at 8:47 am

After reading this I now realize that I’ve been giving my husband really lame anniversary gifts. If a giant metal rooster is 15, what’s 35? I need to know -in like a week.

1068 Melissa June 23, 2011 at 8:51 am

Thank you so much for the laughs! I am heading out the door right now to look for a Beyonce’ of my own! You made my day!

1069 Naked Girl in a Dress June 23, 2011 at 8:52 am

Ohhh….love the chicken! I am not sure why, after 15 years, these things still rattle Victor. He should expect the unexpected. Daily.

1070 Dayna June 23, 2011 at 8:55 am

REALLY really needed that laugh. :D Best blog post ever! Oh, but my 4 year old just walked up and saw the pictures and said “Mom, that’s a ROOSTER. Not a chicken.” So there you have it. She needs a fucking chicken on HER doorstep for daring to correct you. ;)

1071 Heather June 23, 2011 at 8:56 am

That’s what he gets for cock blocking the towels. . .

I’ve now been told by my other half that if I ever come home with a giant metal chicken it will end up as a giant metal chicken suppository. Personally, I heart Beyonce. He’s one awesome chicken. There’s a special kind of beauty in something that horrific. There is a giant iron rooster statue that stands somewhere between 5 and 6 feet tall about 15 minutes from my house that is so tacky it’s great. The people who own it have it out at the end of their drive. They must REALLY like chicken. Can’t wait for our 15th so I can get in on the metal chicken action. ;)

1072 Elizabeth June 23, 2011 at 8:56 am

To the author: I don’t know who you are, but I love you!!! Thank you for that…

1073 Mollie June 23, 2011 at 9:02 am

Oh MY God – I owe @PokerVixen flowers for posting this on Facebook. I’m wiping tears of laughter away as I type. I SOOO want a 5ft metal chicken!
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1074 Yasher June 23, 2011 at 9:03 am

This blog post has made its way around my Facebook friends and I just wanted to say that this is the funniest thing I have read in AGES! Absolutely brilliant story; absolutely brilliant writing. Thank you.

1075 Vicki June 23, 2011 at 9:03 am

Thank you for my first laugh in days…(knock knock motherfucker!) LMAO!

1076 Vicki June 23, 2011 at 9:03 am

Thank you for my first laugh in days…(knock knock motherfucker!) LMAO!

1077 Mollie June 23, 2011 at 9:04 am

Funniest Post EVER. I owe @PokerVixen flowers or something for sharing this on Facebook. I literally Laughed out Loud.
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1078 TerriGanczar June 23, 2011 at 9:05 am

OMG, This is hailarious! I had to share it on Facebook! I am sure you are going to have at least 500 more followers after this! You are my hero! “Watch out, the chicken will cut you!” Hahahahaha!

1079 JessicaEleven June 23, 2011 at 9:07 am

AHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!! haven’t laughed this hard in a LONG time! thx. love your sense of humor. i’m hooked!
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1080 JessicaEleven June 23, 2011 at 9:09 am

AHHHHHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. thx.
love your sensee of humor =) now i’ve got a new blog to follow!
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1081 Claire June 23, 2011 at 9:09 am

just posted to facebook and tagged my neighbor two doors down – who HAS this chicken in her backyard. brilliant post.

1082 Claire June 23, 2011 at 9:10 am

just posted to facebook and tagged my neighbor two doors down – who HAS this chicken in her backyard. brilliant post.

1083 Anonymous June 23, 2011 at 9:10 am

Passive agressive to the MAX

1084 FloridaGal June 23, 2011 at 9:11 am

I MUST buy this chicken from you. My husband recently decided he wanted chickens and had a coop built for our backyard. Mind you, we live in the city….not the country. He arrived home with this contraption when I was out of town and promptly supplied the empty unit with two egg laying chickens….. Our 30th anniversary is coming up in August and if this isn’t sweet revenge…i don’t know what is!!
I am dead serious about this. Can you tell me where you got this or if you would be willing to sell??

1085 Heather June 23, 2011 at 9:12 am

I actually now someone who is now raising chickens. The hens names are…wait for it…Beyonce & Rhiana. I told her she had to resist avoiding naming the rooster Christ Brown. :)

1086 Linnette June 23, 2011 at 9:13 am

Thank you for sharing this WONDERFUL story… if more men would consider the outcome of their actions, there would be a lot less “metal chickens” lying around houses across the world!

1087 Jen June 23, 2011 at 9:14 am

So great. A friend of mine posted this to her facebook page and I went bonkers. So funny.

1088 Amy June 23, 2011 at 9:14 am

Gotta say… this sure made me laugh. Ok, maybe not $100 worth of laughter, but definitely worth something. Then multiply that something by all the people you’ve touched. So, Victor, consider this a charitable donation of good karma, contributing to the well-being of the entire community. Thanks for that.

1089 Dot June 23, 2011 at 9:14 am

Dude! I’m totally in LOVE with the chicken! I want it.
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1090 Dot June 23, 2011 at 9:15 am

Dude! I’m totally in LOVE with the chicken! I want it.

1091 freddie June 23, 2011 at 9:15 am

You go girl! If your asshole of a husband cant see the humor in it then he hasnt got a laugh in him. Ive been married 41 yrs an this is the kind of stuff i got married for. I almost put the candle out on my wife but luckily i didnt. Dont,Dont let him do it to you. Stay silly . Hell its all we have other than Our Lord Jesus.

1092 Vonda June 23, 2011 at 9:16 am

OMG I am totally saving this blog to my favorites. This totally cracks me up and now I’m on a mission to find myself a big honkin chicken. When I read “knock knock motherfucker” coffee spewed out of my nose. TOO fricken funny.

1093 Jann English June 23, 2011 at 9:16 am

Too funny!! In my case, it was two giant iron pink flamingoes!! Ed hates them and was not especially happy when he got home! Love to do those kinds of things.

1094 Katrina June 23, 2011 at 9:17 am

Officially following you now. Thanks for the belly laughs!
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1095 Peter Brown June 23, 2011 at 9:18 am

Ha, love it! I want a 5 foot metal chicken ringing my doorbell.

1096 Imveee-Not June 23, 2011 at 9:18 am

this has got to be the most hilarious story ive read in a long time!! i would LOVE to pull this off my on my hubby… ive got to keep my eye open for a huge “ass” tho.. hmmmm have you seen any?

1097 audrey June 23, 2011 at 9:21 am

I would have bought the damn chicken as well, (irate husband be damned), and spent many hours with my bff giggling about where and what to do wtih said giant chicken. Oh the amazing inappropriate jokes.
I have a giant chef in my kitchen. My kitchen is about 10 by 10, give or take a few feet, and Jeff the chef, takes up a third of the space. He is oddly angled as well, which makes him take up more space. He has vacationed at a friends house while I moved, and went to work with me (for about 2 months, lol).
I think you and your friend are hilarious, and that`s awesome.

1098 Sara June 23, 2011 at 9:22 am

Thank you for this story! Laugh out loud, crying. Love it! Home Goods has you to thank for selling out the rest of their clearance chickens! :)

1099 ed June 23, 2011 at 9:22 am

OMG, how funny…laughed until I cried…what’s even scarier…I make a living SELLING these chickens (roosters, actually).!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Check ‘em out at my website, http://www.californiagardenart.com! Love to mail you, or ship you, your very own chicken. They come in the following sizes: 1′, 2′, 3′, 4′ and the infamous 5′! If you don’t see the right one or the right size on my website, email me and we’ll hook you up (ed@californiagardenart.com)!!! All my best!

1100 Teresa June 23, 2011 at 9:23 am

Thanks, I really needed that today! Now time to share it! :) off to Facebook I go….

1101 cursingmama June 23, 2011 at 9:23 am

Came back to read more comments – almost as good as the chicken – certainly better than getting puked on by someone on an airplane (assumption without personal experience).

My mom collects chickens….this would make an excellent birthday present for her and great revenge for the taxidermy collection my dad has installed against her wishes.

1102 Teresa June 23, 2011 at 9:23 am

thanks! hysterical. now to share this on facebook!

1103 "Susan Says..." June 23, 2011 at 9:26 am

Best laugh I’ve had since I read your last post…whew. I would have bought that chicken, too.

1104 Sandra Hansen June 23, 2011 at 9:27 am

I thought that the chicken was not funny. It was a passive aggressive attack on Victor which would not lead to anything good long term.

1105 Teri June 23, 2011 at 9:28 am

Only thing that might have made the 5 ft chicken at the door any funnier is if you had draped one of the Bright Pink towels around Beyonce’s kneck as a scarf…..LMAO

1106 Soldier in the Basement June 23, 2011 at 9:30 am

Just wanted to let you know that the chicken incident had me thrown out of my office yesterday. My commander walked in to find me laughing hysterically with tears rolling down my face. When he asked me what was wrong, all I could muster up was a half-hearted “KNOCK KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER” I was told to go home :) You have another fan for life.

1107 Samantha June 23, 2011 at 9:30 am

I just found your blog and let me say, the infamous “towel” fight happens in my house ALL.THE.TIME.

I am completely liking this 15 foot chicken idea. I might have to warn my husband next time he tells me I cant buy towels that he can expect a 15 foot chicken instead!

1108 Heather June 23, 2011 at 9:30 am

Best story ever! If one of my friends ever left a giant metal chicken named Beyonce at my doorstep I would be giddy!
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1109 Gina aka Slappy June 23, 2011 at 9:31 am

I didn’t want to like you, but this post lured me in. I want a big, metal chicken !

http://slappyintheface.com/?p=1653
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1110 Gabby June 23, 2011 at 9:31 am

best laugh i’ve had in a long time. you are a brilliant writer. Also, 15 years should totally be metal chickens!

1111 Gina aka Slappy June 23, 2011 at 9:32 am

I didn’t want to like you, but this post lured me in. I want a big, metal chicken!
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1112 Sarah Phillips June 23, 2011 at 9:32 am

OMG. I am new here – just found you today, and this is the first blog post I am reading….and am am sitting at my desk with TEARS streaming down my face!!! this is a riot!! i forware4d to my best friend and told her that she needs to read this and then we MUST go shopping fora 5 ft tall chicken. LOL.

1113 Heather June 23, 2011 at 9:34 am

Great story! If one of my friends ever left a giant metal chicken named Beyonce at my front door I would be giddy! AWESOME!
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1114 Anonymous June 23, 2011 at 9:35 am

Frank is feeling left out ~ someone get a giant cock to his back door right away!!!

1115 wordjanitor June 23, 2011 at 9:36 am

Maybe next time you can find a chupacabra on discount!

1116 Hadassah Sabo Milner June 23, 2011 at 9:37 am

LOVE THIS – Now I need to go find me a chicken…..
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1117 Katrina Kaczmarek June 23, 2011 at 9:37 am

YOU MADE MY DAY!!!!!! I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time, and I am in the middle of a chemotherapy treatment right now! LOVE THE STORY!!!!!
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1118 Gaile June 23, 2011 at 9:39 am

LOVE the chicken. You were so right to bring her home…LOL. Can’t wait to see what 30 years of marriage will bring to your door!

1119 Gaile June 23, 2011 at 9:40 am

LOVE the chicken. You were so right to bring her home…LOL. Can’t wait to see what 30 years of marriage will bring to your door!

1120 Crystal June 23, 2011 at 9:40 am

Totally chicken envy. Where can I get me one of those giant chickens?!
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1121 christine sprinkle June 23, 2011 at 9:41 am

I totally get this! I brought home a 5ft. buffalo last year for pretty much the same reason, except mine was clothes, not towels. I named it Geronimo and he stands prettily ensconced on my deck after he was rejected/ejected from the living room.

1122 Crystal June 23, 2011 at 9:42 am

Total. Chicken. Envy.
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1123 Sara Lizbeth June 23, 2011 at 9:42 am

Thank you, Bloggess for being so incredibly hilarious. I appreciate you, as does my husband, whom I read your posts to at night after out one year old goes to bed. We laugh our asses off and then eat ice cream…bliss! If Beyonce ever finds himself needing a home, we live in a super-funky, dirt poor, artist and musician ridden apartment complex on East Oltorf in Austin. He would find himself quite a home in one of the courtyards there. I think that his kind were in fact born to live in the courtyards of our complex and I may just try to investigate where to buy one, fulfilling my duties as a good citizen and making a very strange place in ATX a little stranger…

1124 Christi June 23, 2011 at 9:43 am

I want that Rooster more than words can express…..and I need new underwear….because your story made me pee in mine. :0)

1125 Jodi June 23, 2011 at 9:44 am

I can honestly say Thank you for this you have made my year..
Sorry you don’t know me but I stumbled onto your blog threw another person I know.
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1126 Kate June 23, 2011 at 9:45 am

HAHAHAHA! And the best part about this is because you wrote about this, you can claim the chicken’s cost as a business expense!

1127 sandi ferguson June 23, 2011 at 9:50 am

I so can relate to this story! Only change the chicken to a tall cactus and it’s the same story between me and my best friend… When she told her husband that she bought a tall metal cactus..he was like ‘WHAT THE HELL”

1128 Silly Groma June 23, 2011 at 9:51 am

You sound like a fun person to live with. YOur honey sounds like a grouch! Where can I find one of those giant chickens?!?!?! Awesome story!

1129 coffeeyogurt June 23, 2011 at 9:52 am

I think I’ve got Beyonce’s illegitimate son in my backyard. Maybe we should plan a mother and child reunion.

1130 Debbie Cooper June 23, 2011 at 9:54 am

That’s it, I’m moving to Texas! Why do all the cool chicks live there?! Lovin’ this blog!

1131 Caity June 23, 2011 at 9:55 am

I Love It!!! I Need a Giant Chicken!! Great Great Great Story!!

1132 Cathy June 23, 2011 at 9:56 am

So glad that I found your blog. I just celebrated 9 years yesterday (which incidentally is cheap wine and a crappy mini-series) can’t wait for the 15th year metal chicken!!

1133 Gretchen @ Honey, I Shrunk the Gretchen! June 23, 2011 at 9:56 am

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Please tell me that 16th anniversaries are gargantuan rubber Croctopuses. http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_5s67MJWOeAg/TTCpniZPvjI/AAAAAAAAERg/F2vtwRlzK-w/s400/croctopus-1.jpg

1134 Sara June 23, 2011 at 9:56 am

FINALLY! Someone who shares my affinity for cocks! I would show you a picture of my metal chicken if I could. Thanks for starting my day with giggles!
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1135 Gretchen @ Honey, I Shrunk the Gretchen! June 23, 2011 at 9:57 am

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Please tell me that 16th anniversaries is a gargantuan rubber Croctopus http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_5s67MJWOeAg/TTCpniZPvjI/AAAAAAAAERg/F2vtwRlzK-w/s400/croctopus-1.jpg

1136 Gretchen @ Honey, I Shrunk the Gretchen! June 23, 2011 at 9:57 am

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Please tell me that 16th anniversaries is a gargantuan rubber Croctopus. What’s a Croctopus? Watch Modern Family. Also, Google.

1137 Ryan June 23, 2011 at 9:58 am

Ordinarily, this would be a funny prank to play on someone. Under the circumstances it isn’t because it was done to spite your husband. It makes him the butt end of a joke and that will only fuel resentment. You could have bought the chicken and played the joke later when the debate over the towels died down. In my opinion it was bad timing and poor judgement. Just my two cents.

1138 kara June 23, 2011 at 9:58 am

so, i lost my bloggess virginity today thanks to my friend who posted this on her facebook page. oh my god are you always this funny? why dont you have a fb page so i can like you for chrissake.

1139 noel June 23, 2011 at 9:59 am

This has got to be the funniest story I have read in a LONG time! Thank you! I would TOTALLY do that too!!! thanks for being so honest! love it!

1140 Sara June 23, 2011 at 10:00 am

FINALLY! Someone who shares my affinity for cock! I’d show you a picture of my metal chicken if I could. Thanks for the early morning giggle.
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1141 Suz June 23, 2011 at 10:02 am

A giant Cock for someone who was being a giant dick about towels!! Priceless!

1142 MissyD June 23, 2011 at 10:04 am

This could have almost been listed as a cause of death…I laughed so hard I went into an asthmatic coughing fit and couldn’t catch my breath. Thank goodness for inhalers! I am seriously afraid that if I see a metal chicken of any size or even towels at a store I will begin laughing so hard they will ask me to leave. Thank you for making my day!

1143 Jennifer H. June 23, 2011 at 10:04 am

Just wanted to say that this totally made my day…heck my year! Thank you for being so awesome!

1144 Lisa June 23, 2011 at 10:05 am

O.M.G. This is the best post ever!! I laughed and giggled until my boss said “What the heck are you doing?!?” Tears running down my face. Makes it very difficult to answer the phone with any semblence of professionalism. My 10 year anniversary is coming up….seriously, my husband would LOVE the chicken.

1145 M @StyleSizzle June 23, 2011 at 10:06 am

Wow. Pure awesomeness. The photo of the chicken at the door is totally priceless. Love it
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1146 Kay June 23, 2011 at 10:06 am

Absolutely wonderful!!!!

1147 Aeron June 23, 2011 at 10:08 am

I think you need to unload that husband. Life’s TOO short!

1148 Wishing I had a Chicken June 23, 2011 at 10:08 am

Read this at work because it was passed to me by a coworker. The person in the next cube must have thought I was having a heart attack because I was crying I was laughing so hard and was trying to do it quietly, so it just sounded like a series of wheezes and gasps. Thanks for the good ol’ fashioned giggled!

1149 Betsey June 23, 2011 at 10:10 am

I swear, i about wet my pants from laughing. You made my day!

1150 andi June 23, 2011 at 10:10 am

Haven’t. Laughed. So. Hard. Ever.

1151 Hawaiianatheart June 23, 2011 at 10:12 am

That is totally awesome! I am just rolling over here. For me it would be cups, not towels! I really need one of those Giant Chickens. That could pose as a (GIANT) reminder to my husband that HE was the one who wanted the chickens that HE came home with! ; )

1152 Amanda June 23, 2011 at 10:14 am

Seriously. Hilarious. Best blog post i have ever read.

1153 Gina aka Slappy June 23, 2011 at 10:14 am

… and now my comments won’t post right – the server must be overloaded with people reading this snarky goodness
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1154 LG June 23, 2011 at 10:15 am

If you ever need a new home for Beyonce, I know a lady WHO RAISES CHICKENS on a farm in Buttpoke, Iowa and she would LOVE to have her…er, him. Beyonce could “go live on a farm” like all outcast pets. Yeah -that would be AWESOME.

1155 LaurieRo June 23, 2011 at 10:20 am

Jenny and Laura, I heart you both and I’m all, I wanna be your new BFF. I totally think we should all go to our neighborhood HomeGoods and buy these massive chickens and begin a movement to leave them on people’s doorsteps who are having a bad day. The end.

1156 Andrea June 23, 2011 at 10:26 am

OMG best effin chicken ever.

1157 ckilgore June 23, 2011 at 10:28 am

I laughed until I wept. Bonus: anniversary gift idea!

1158 Lynette June 23, 2011 at 10:31 am

This is one of the most awesome things I’ve ever read – and I’m online ALL FRICKIN’ day for work! Love your blog!

1159 Helen June 23, 2011 at 10:31 am

Bloody marvellous! You do realise this post has gone viral? It’s on my facebook and countless other forums now. Hilarious, girl.

1160 @jmdc88 June 23, 2011 at 10:31 am

Love it!

1161 Theresa June 23, 2011 at 10:31 am

Beyonce totally deserves a spot in the bedroom. Victors side. Start each morning with a smile. Love it.

1162 Meagan June 23, 2011 at 10:32 am

Omg, why do you not have a reality TV show?!?!?! This was AWESOME, I laughed my behind off!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks SO much for the much needed laugh. I LOVE YOUR CHICKEN!!! :)
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1163 Rhembein June 23, 2011 at 10:33 am

Wow!! Your funny shit! I was pursueded to read this blog post thanks to the newsfeed on Facebook and 47 of the people I know that linked to this post. I’ll thank them for you.
-gillian
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1164 Emily June 23, 2011 at 10:34 am

I have never loved you more than I love you right now. Long live Beyonce.

1165 JIJISSA June 23, 2011 at 10:36 am

Where in the hell did you find that?! I SO need one of those, or a few! I know a lot of people who could use a giant cock in their life! Please let us know how and where to find one!

Sincerely,
Searching for giant cock(s)!

P.S I can’t believe we’re not related! haha!

1166 karmagirl June 23, 2011 at 10:36 am

Um, you could use Beyonce as a towel rack.

1167 JIJISSA June 23, 2011 at 10:37 am

Where in the hell did you find that?! I SO need one of those, or a few! I know a lot of people who could use a giant cock in their life! Please let us know how and where to find one!

Sincerely,
Searching for giant cock(s)!

P.S I can’t believe we’re not related! ha!

1168 Erin June 23, 2011 at 10:39 am

I swear to God (or Buddah, Allah, Satan, etc to cover my bases) you and I are married to the same man but obviously in parallel universes since I’m from Canada and you’re not. My husband Brian told me he’d knife me in my sleep if I bought any more plates. For the record, we only have twelve plates. TWELVE. And my family has twelve members which means there’s no room for error on Christmas Day dinner. So clearly I need a five foot chicken to prove my point.
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1169 Stephanie Sabato June 23, 2011 at 10:41 am

Oh my goodness. I am laughing so hard I am crying! Thanks so much for sharing!!

1170 Claire June 23, 2011 at 10:43 am

So funny! What a great laugh! Just celebrated 14 years… guess what’s coming next year! ;)

1171 Heather June 23, 2011 at 10:45 am

LMAO, this is hillarious.

1172 Janelle June 23, 2011 at 10:45 am

Really? THIS is why domestic violence happens? Are people seriously claiming this?

Let’s leave aside whether you find this kind of prank really f’in funny or not. I find it HIGHlarious, but maybe you don’t. That’s fine. Do your thing.

But even if you don’t find it hysterical, are you seriously telling me that you think domestic violence happens because a spouse chooses to do something silly? Regardless of whether that choice is juvenile or made out of spite or whatever. Do you TRULY believe domestic violence happens because of something the non-battered spouse did? Domestic violence has nothing to do with the behavior of the non-battered and everything to do with batterer. Don’t get it twisted.

1173 Kate June 23, 2011 at 10:45 am

This is hilarious. HI-LAR-IOIUS. But someone should have warned me not to read this while I work. Suppress laughter snorts don’t sound very good to passerbys.

1174 Jodi June 23, 2011 at 10:46 am

Oh man this is the funnies shiznit I have read in years! I sat reading it before the Hangover II started. The movie was funny enough but THIS is what I kept thinking about and laughing. Yesterday was my 1st anniversary…damn if I’m not going to try and find a large paper chicken.

Where has your blog been all my life??

1175 Hawlie Ohe June 23, 2011 at 10:48 am

I loved this post so much, I included a link in my own blog post this morning. You are HILARIOUS!

http://www.fabhousewife.com/savvy-shopping-want-vs-need-and-who-the-eff-really-cares/

1176 Hawlie Ohe June 23, 2011 at 10:50 am

I loved this post so much, I included a link to it on my own blog this morning. You are HILARIOUS!

1177 FreshStartMakeupArtistry June 23, 2011 at 10:51 am

lol my friend posted your story on facebook and I read it and think that you and your friend are absolutely hilarious! It sounds so much like something I would do! Love it! Especially that Beyonce ended up in front of his window!

1178 Jen June 23, 2011 at 10:54 am

This post will be your ticket to an awkward Today show interview next week… as this post is viral, or will be. So funny on so many levels.

1179 Amy June 23, 2011 at 10:55 am

Gotta say, this made me laugh… Maybe not $100 worth of laughter, but still, it’s worth something. Then multiply it by everyone that’s gotten a giggle out of it, and you’ll get your money’s worth. So, Victor, consider this a charitable contribution for good karma and the community well-being. And Thank You for that.

1180 Missicat June 23, 2011 at 10:56 am

Hmmm Think Beyonce must have eaten my last comments…could you check? Anyways, you have made the front page of Fark.com…so CONGRATS!!! Have to agree with those who say you have won the internet! Only thing funnier then your post are the trolls who just don’t get you.

1181 ;) June 23, 2011 at 10:56 am

“People who have money to burn, resources, and time are the ones who will enjoy this and maybe find the humor somewhere.”

I’d like to point out that my family survives on one single income and by no means do we have the money to go buying 5 foot tall metal chickens and I STILL found it funny. Speak for yourself on what us “less fortunate” find funny.

1182 Sue June 23, 2011 at 10:57 am

Funny…thank you very much.. My sides hurt from laughing so much..but so, are you going to STILL be married in two weeks..

1183 Jessica June 23, 2011 at 10:58 am

I had tears rolling down my face while reading this. TEARS! At work!!

Thank you for making my life awesome.

1184 stacy June 23, 2011 at 10:58 am

OMG omg omg omg hahahahahaahahahahahahahahahaahhahahahahaa
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1185 Michelle June 23, 2011 at 11:00 am

“because this chicken will cut you“…

Best Line Ever!

1186 Michelle June 23, 2011 at 11:01 am

“because this chicken will cut you“

BEST. LINE. EVER.

1187 Brittany Butcher June 23, 2011 at 11:02 am

That is CLASSIC!

1188 Male June 23, 2011 at 11:03 am

I can’t believe self respecting men stay married to idiots like you “that’s why you learn to pick your battles.” Really? So I should not tell you to not waste more money on fucking towels for fear that you will go out and waste more money on a stupid fucking chicken as a passive aggressive attempt to establish your feminist strength? Or should I treat you like a child and give you an allowance so that your incessant purchase of towels doesn’t drive us to the point of eating “hand towel al dente” for the next week because we don’t have money for groceries. Or how about when you start looking at kitchen backsplashes I tell you that I’ll take care of it and you come home to kitchen walls lined with elaborate patterns of the billion or so wash cloths you’ve purchased. You know that pool you want in the back yard? Easy. I can select whatever shade of blue towels you like and lay them out on the lawn in any pattern you want. Just be sure to grab a ladder to jump off of into your pool in a head first dive so that I can go to happy hour and tell all the ladies there that I’m the unfortunate widower of a crazy passive aggressive bitch; pity fucks never expect much anyway. In the mean time stop wasting money and finish going bat shit insane in an economically feasible manner.

1189 Deborah Mrozinski June 23, 2011 at 11:03 am

I’ll buy your chicken! I like it allot!
psst~funny story! thanks for sharing…

1190 Heather June 23, 2011 at 11:05 am

Hysterical! Must forward link to a sister or two.

1191 Susan Peterson June 23, 2011 at 11:09 am

This is pure comedic genius.

1192 Jenna June 23, 2011 at 11:10 am

My husband loves chickens but is reasonable about his love, but I don’t think he should be reasonable about it. If I had seen this at the store I would have screamed YOU NEED THIS and dragged it around until it either cut me and I gave up or he cut me and I gave up.

I still would have wanted the damn chicken though.
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1193 Xibee June 23, 2011 at 11:10 am

I have to tell you that when reading this on a teensy iPhone screen I had to unpinch to enlarge text, which shunted the pictures out of the way, so at first I didn’t see the pic of you with the cockhead in the store and went right on reading. In my mind, I was envisioning something rustier and garden-y-er, and more … I don’t know.. like those brass 1960s Don Quixote statue thingies… kinda artsy-like; … so when I got to the picture of the DOOR plus CHICKEN I practically fell out of bed laughing and my husband came in thinking I was choking on something, and he read it and saw the picture and did the same thing. That thing is so frickin ridiculously awesome. Laura was totally spot-on. CHICKEN DOWN IN AISLE 3 indeed LOL

And I now have a perfect anniversary gift for ME in mind now since I am after all, a Rooster….

1194 Elisabeth Miller June 23, 2011 at 11:13 am

You are my new bestie and you don’t even know it. But I also live in Houston and MUST.KNOW.WHERE.TO.GET.THE.CHICKEN. My anniversary is next week. Please email me!

1195 Laura@JourneyChic June 23, 2011 at 11:14 am

Well, this was def. pee-in-your-pants funny! My husband also put the kibosh on new towels recently. Now I know what to buy instead. :)

1196 Michelle Conger June 23, 2011 at 11:14 am

OMG! I seriously think you and I were separated at birth…you are hilarious. This is EXACTLY the same kind of thing I would’ve done…love your humor :)

1197 Laura@JourneyChic June 23, 2011 at 11:15 am

Well, that was pee-in-your pants funny! My husband also put the kibosh on towels, so now I know what to buy instead. Thanks for the shopping tip. ;-)

1198 Sarah June 23, 2011 at 11:16 am

I’m not sure if this was already mentioned, but when the salesman said the chicken would cut you, did he emphasize this phrase in any way, or say it sort of “ghetto”? Because I almost died when I read it (I was crying laughing at the whole thing, bravo) thinking of the famous Mad TV skit Bon Qui Qui at King Burger. If you haven’t seen it, you MUST. Every gay man and woman that knows a gay man in the northeast part of the country knows this skit and quotes it often….. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZkdcYlOn5M

1199 Meg June 23, 2011 at 11:19 am

I laughed so hard when I read this that I promptly emailed the link to my husband. I’m thinking he’ll be much more careful when picking his battles in the future because this is totally something I would do.

1200 klmclain June 23, 2011 at 11:19 am

I have to know WHERE you got that! I have 8 hens… and they NEED this rooster!!! This is HILARIOUS!! Even my husband loved it!

1201 Janet June 23, 2011 at 11:19 am

OMG, I NEED a chicken! I wonder how it would winter in Vancouver. We get a lot of rain here, so those nasty edges might get even sharper and that wouldn’t be good for the neighbourhood kids. Hmmm….
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1202 Rev. Back It On Up 13 June 23, 2011 at 11:20 am

I can’t believe that was on clearance. What kind of slipshod half-assed namby pamby merchant can’t move product like that at full price? Sometimes I weep for the state of the human race.

1203 AerobicMom June 23, 2011 at 11:21 am

You, my dear, are WONDERFUL!!!!

What a fabulous story, Victor is a very lucky man to have you teaching him life lessons. :-)
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1204 Preppygirl June 23, 2011 at 11:21 am

Pretty sure Galoot needs one of these. Do you think they make them 6’7″? I bow to your “piss-off-your-husband-by-spending-money-on-giant-a-metal-chicken” power.

1205 Kathy June 23, 2011 at 11:22 am

I’m laughing so hard tears are streaming down my face! Well done :)

1206 Aerobic Mom June 23, 2011 at 11:22 am

You, my dear, are WONDERFUL!!!

Victor is a lucky man :-)
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1207 Gin Genius June 23, 2011 at 11:23 am

Beyonce is exactly what I need to go with my blue oil drum flying pig- Coco!

1208 Dangerboy June 23, 2011 at 11:24 am

Glad I came back for comments! Some of these are hilarious in their own right…and I want to send them a “How to have a sense of humor” manual. :)

1209 If I Were God... June 23, 2011 at 11:25 am

Obviously you need your credit cards taken away; for your safety and your husband’s sanity.

1210 Nikole0602 June 23, 2011 at 11:27 am

A friend of mine sent your link to me and I am sitting at my desk, in tears from laughing so hard. I *heart* you and Beyonce.

1211 Chio June 23, 2011 at 11:27 am

^ AWESOME!!

1212 KateC June 23, 2011 at 11:28 am

Thank you so much for this! I laughed so hard I cried (like so many of the 10^3 people in these comments!)

And just in case any of the negative comments are getting you down, I don’t know why they don’t get the joke. Honestly, Victor comes through to me as a lovely character, and so do you, and what’s so bad about laughing at ourselves, anyway? That’s the stuff that long and happy lives are made of. So love to you both, I’m so glad you have each other, and happy anniversary!

I know I’m just reiterating what’s been said literally 1000 times before, but I’m one of those girls intolerables who just has to comment on everything! :)
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1213 Elizbeth Jayne June 23, 2011 at 11:28 am

I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. My sides hurt! Thanks for that. :D
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1214 Nikole0602 June 23, 2011 at 11:28 am

A friend of mine sent me your post and I am sitting at my desk, crying from laughing so hard. I *heart* you… and Beyonce.

1215 Hope June 23, 2011 at 11:29 am

Love the chicken but Victor seems like a bit of a baby-head.

1216 Jana Holstein June 23, 2011 at 11:31 am

Oh. My. God. This is too funny Sherry! I absolutely love this story and the best part is that it’s true and I can totally picture the whole thing. What a riot. Thanks a million for making me laugh out loud on this busy work day. I needed that!!

1217 Jaime June 23, 2011 at 11:32 am

That is the most hilarious thing EVER! And it’s totally something that I would do! I really, seriously, literally laughed out loud so many times! I spit out a mouthful of mineral water… ALL OVER MY LAPTOP, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! I also laughed so hard that I accidentally drooled a little bit. Not a lot, like nothing gross or anything, but enough for it to make me laugh even harder. Anyway, props to you for a job well done.

1218 Joe June 23, 2011 at 11:32 am

any chance of finding this on ebay or online? i’d like to convince my mom to buy one for my parents’ anniversary.

1219 Heather June 23, 2011 at 11:36 am

O.k., my marriage is in the shitter, and yet I think I may have just had a laughter-induced thrombo reading this. Laughed through THE WHOLE THING. Priceless. F%$@ing priceless.
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1220 Karen V. June 23, 2011 at 11:36 am

And I thought I was in trouble for buying my kid an extra toy! Hysterical!

1221 Maaike Quinn @ A Gorgeous Life June 23, 2011 at 11:38 am

You just made me cry + laugh for thirty minutes, thank you very much :D
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1222 Alicia June 23, 2011 at 11:38 am

I loved this! first time reading your blog, but makes me want to go get a chicken for my next fight with the hubby!

1223 Maaike Quinn @ A Gorgeous Life June 23, 2011 at 11:39 am

You just made me cry + laugh for thirty minutes, thank you very much :D
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1224 Margo June 23, 2011 at 11:39 am

I, as a first time reader of your blog and female, actually felt sort of icky reading this. I mean, the shopping part? Loved it. I just used a similar whimsy line shopping with a friend the other day. And, though I don’t have $100 to blow on a joke, this is totally something I would do… Not necessarily out of revenge, but because a 5ft chicken ringing a doorbell is just FUNNY. I like going for the funny.

Here’s where the ick came in for me: The “I’m going to strangle you” and Victor’s (from the way you described it, and my internal visualization of it) violent reaction to the Chicken. Yeah… UNcomfortable. Like, being a voyer of a domestic breakdown in action. Hit too close to bad things in my brain. Simply put: Domestic violence isn’t funny. Marital breakdowns aren’t funny. This CAN read like either or both depending on the reader’s personal filter. Guess I am one of those people with such filters.

I understand that in over a thousand comments and your article going viral I am in the vast minority here. But, even though you cleared it up around comment 400 something – and THANK YOU for that – few are going to read that far. I know a statement of clarity isn’t “funny”, but maybe, because this HAS gone viral, an addendum for those who *might* be like me, but might feel stupid for feeling the way they do reading this because all others around them are laughing and thus remain silent, could be helpful? Perhaps even reassuring?

Thank you for reading.

1225 wolfrooster69 June 23, 2011 at 11:41 am

you just like pissing off people, being contrary, doing the exact opposite that someone else wants to do, and making it all whimsical, fun, and exactly what YOU want. you and Victor have apparently struck a very-imbalanced balanced life together…that seems to work and entertain others who are like you….
have fun with it all.

1226 kristin June 23, 2011 at 11:44 am

Where can I get a chicken just. like. this?

ps my webite is IDon’tBlogAnymoreCuzI’mALoser

1227 Lola June 23, 2011 at 11:44 am

My neighbors have a giant sheet metal dinosaur… a bunch of people hoisted him onto another neighbor’s front stoop at 3am and rang the doorbell. A giant cock would have been funnier.
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1228 Tammy June 23, 2011 at 11:47 am

I use to be married to a guy who would have been so pissed at me if I came home with a 5ft metal chicken… even more pissed that I spent any money for it. I too would have taken pleasure out of stalking him with it too. :)

But now I’m married to a guy who was laughing as hard as I was at this blog. Lucky me! I hope I remember to buy him a 5ft tall metal chicken on our 15th anniv.

1229 Lesly June 23, 2011 at 11:51 am

You are my hero.. lol!!

1230 Lynne June 23, 2011 at 11:51 am

That was Great!
What else was a guy named “Victor” to do?

1231 Heather June 23, 2011 at 11:52 am

My friend has 2 chickens named…wait fo rit….Beyonce & Rhiana. I told her she had to draw the line somewhere & that she couldn’t name the rooster Chris Brown. :)

1232 Meircee June 23, 2011 at 11:54 am

This chicken Fucking. Rocks! I think I love you…

1233 Elle June 23, 2011 at 11:55 am

I can’t stop laughing! If I keep this up, I might choke from laughing so hard. I wonder if metal chickens know the heimlich maneuver? But if Beyonce is sharp and attempts the heimlich, I’ll probably get sliced open and bleed to death so choking from laughing won’t seem so bad.

1234 NotABreed June 23, 2011 at 11:59 am

Knock-knock, motherfucker.

That made me laugh out loud. Literally.
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1235 zombiegirl June 23, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Jesus H., thank you. Thank you thank you. You just made my freaking day and I really needed that. You are HILARIOUS.

1236 Kim June 23, 2011 at 12:01 pm

Most hilarious post I’ve read in a very long time. Thanks for making my day.

1237 kranger June 23, 2011 at 12:03 pm

That is probably the best laugh of my life! No kidding! I am still going.

1238 12Purple June 23, 2011 at 12:04 pm

I have used the ‘knock, knock motherfucker’ at least once a day this week. It’s been a tough one but re-reading this post daily has gotten me through it.

This type of behavior is why I am no longer married. Victor sure is a hard man to rattle. Does he have a brother?

1239 Steph H June 23, 2011 at 12:05 pm

This totally captures many wives experiences — my husband sent this to me because it rang true. Friggin HILARIOUS!

steph h
http://www.livefitandsore.com
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1240 Lindsay June 23, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Aloha,
LOL! I love this!! You are so FUNNY!! I sent this link to my Aunt and she couldn’t stop laughing because she bought a set of Mariachi Chickens(that her husband told her were hideous) on sale from $480 down to $180!! She is selling them on Craigslist for $40! What a deal ;)

http://bend.craigslist.org/hsh/2393741775.html

Mahalo,
Lindsay W.

1241 lhp June 23, 2011 at 12:08 pm

If my wife sees this, don’t get any ideas. Two can play at that game, and your sister’s eyes will fall out when she comes to visit and sees what I’ve found to upstage the chicken.

1242 Christina June 23, 2011 at 12:08 pm

You are my new hero!

1243 Ria Cruz June 23, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Best laugh I’ve had in a while. Love the Beyonce Chicken…. If I had one I would totally put in people’s front yards too.
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1244 KittyGurl June 23, 2011 at 12:09 pm

That was highly entertaining and funny, thanks for the laugh! I gotta say something though… that is not a chicken, it is a ROOSTER! Beyonce is a BOY, which actually makes it even funnier!!!!

1245 dawn June 23, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Sooooo are there still chickens available because I think my house needs one and that was the funniest dang story I have read in a long time. Thanks for sharing! And happy anniversary… I’m thinking 13th anniversary might be chicken as well… if it’s not towels…

1246 Megan June 23, 2011 at 12:10 pm

HAHAHAHAHAHA! It hurts! It hurts! HAHAHAHA! imma need a fresh pair of panties.

1247 morganie June 23, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Thank you for the blog post “How to get a divorce in 3 easy steps.”

1) Completely disregard your spouses’s input.
2) Find friends to creatively help you mock your spouse
3) When your spouse is upset, use that opportunity to cut the wound *DEEPER*

And you title the post “And that’s why you should learn to pick your battles.” as if *he’s* the asshole & you hope he’s learned his lesson? If this post is serious & not a joke, you are a spoiled brat.

1248 Kelly June 23, 2011 at 12:11 pm

YOU. ARE. BRILLIANT.

1249 shelley adelle June 23, 2011 at 12:14 pm

I am so thrilled that somebody forwarded your post to me on this day. Happy Chickens Rock ;0)

1250 Donna June 23, 2011 at 12:15 pm

If he gets too tired of the chicken, you could always paint it pink to match the towels :)

1251 Ken June 23, 2011 at 12:15 pm

I would just like to say as a husband to a woman who might do the same exact thing, that I would have had the same initial reaction as Victor. However, I would get over it pretty quick. In fact, I would probably make the first “cock” joke. Something like, “You paid for it. Now why don’t I shove this COCK straight up your ass!”. I would mean it in the most loving way, of course. Great story. Nice COCK!

1252 Cristen June 23, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Hiiiigh-larious!!!!!! This chicken is the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen! And that’s including my two children the day they were born.

By the way, your husband needs to lighten up.

My favorite is that it’s a male chicken named Beyonce. Classic!

1253 crystal c June 23, 2011 at 12:16 pm

this maybe the BEST story I’ve ever read! I’m still laughing! hahaha love it

1254 Kelley June 23, 2011 at 12:17 pm

You could SO be a girlfriend of mine!!! $100 for a 5 ft chicken is a steal! You need to sit down and seriously ask Victor what you should do with the metal chicken s*it. Seriously.
Happy Anniversary!
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1255 my2bobos June 23, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Would now be a bad time to tell you about the $10 Target coupon that could get you FREE towels………………..

1256 my2bobos June 23, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Would now be a bad time to tell you about the $10 Target coupon that could get you FREE towels…………….

1257 Diana June 23, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Yep. This is why I follow your blog. ^_^ <3 it.

1258 Melanie June 23, 2011 at 12:19 pm

OMG you have me ROLLING. Seriously tearing are streaming down my face I’m laughing so hard. Thanks for the laugh!

1259 Colleen June 23, 2011 at 12:21 pm

You. Are. Fantastic. I’m reading you daily now. Thanks for the giggles. (and, coming from a mid-thirties woman about to move in with her mid-thirties boyfriend, the lesson is duly noted.)

1260 clevelandpoet June 23, 2011 at 12:22 pm

I cannot wait to make it to 15 years so I can buy my wife a big metal chicken.

I also would insist anyone who came over take pictures with said big metal chicken

1261 Cathy June 23, 2011 at 12:23 pm

I want a chicken!

1262 Tracy June 23, 2011 at 12:23 pm

I laughed out loud so hard that I almost choked to death!! I have a couple of friends who will apreciate this story- we are like this, although I have never found a giant rooster! Bu tI need one! My 15th anniversary is the 28 of July- but then, my hubby is used to me being weird…

1263 Rebekah June 23, 2011 at 12:24 pm

This is seriously funny stuff… My friend posted it on FB via her sister. I am totally reposting!

1264 Morningstar June 23, 2011 at 12:24 pm

I read this at work and was sobbing with laughter!! Fantastic!!! You so belong in my family!!

1265 anna @ the hookup column June 23, 2011 at 12:25 pm

i’m so glad that over 1000 people understood your humor and appreciated your fun loving relationship with your husband, and only a few geeks with no sense of humor took it seriously by making sexist comments whilst trying to provide sound relationship advice.

clearly, you win. haHA!

1266 anna @ the hookup column June 23, 2011 at 12:25 pm

i’m so glad that over 1000 people understood your humor and appreciated your fun loving relationship with your husband, and only a few geeks with no sense of humor took it seriously by making sexist comments whilst trying to provide sound relationship advice.

clearly, you win. haHA!

1267 Elaine Karp June 23, 2011 at 12:25 pm

This is the best story ever! Could not stop laughing!! Thanks!

1268 Beanie June 23, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Oh, that was awesome. Thanks for the laugh.

1269 anna @ the hookup column June 23, 2011 at 12:26 pm

i’m so glad that over 1000 people understood your humor and appreciated your fun loving relationship with your husband, and only a few geeks with no sense of humor took it seriously by making sexist comments whilst trying to provide sound relationship advice.

clearly, you win. haHA!

1270 Dawn Lee Misener June 23, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Shit! My fifteenth anniversary was June 1st, and I missed out on the Big Metal Chickens! Crap!

1271 Laurie June 23, 2011 at 12:27 pm

A friend tagged me on Facebook with this link and I’m ever so grateful she did. I laughed so hard reading the story and then nearly choked on my laughing tears when I saw the picture. I mean, that really is one giant and COLORFUL chicken. If I saw it at my doorstep you can be assured I would laugh hysterically and then welcome him in for a bit of tea and a chat. Awesome. Plus, you have $200 that you saved to now spend on something “more useful” … as if making all of us laugh wasn’t useful enough!

1272 Maya June 23, 2011 at 12:29 pm

I’d like to congratulate you on keeping me sane. Having one of the hardest years of my life and was at a low point. Read this post (and now I’ve got you on my Google Reader) and laughed so hard I cried. My therapist thanks you. My husband thanks you. My teenage boys thank you. And now I just wanna say the “F” word a lot and then laugh maniacally all day.

1273 Kristin June 23, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Ah-maz-ing. Love it!

1274 Kristin June 23, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Ah-maz-ing!

1275 Joelle June 23, 2011 at 12:32 pm

hahahahah! love it, looking for one right now! I think you should periodcially dress it in outfits too, maybe a wig here and there, and think of how “creative” you could get for halloWEEY with this thing, if you catch me ;) plus if it is right in his view, he has the PLEASURE of seeing the thing all day. perhaps some blinking lights? Your Welcme Victor!

1276 Anonymous June 23, 2011 at 12:36 pm

OMG! I
Can
Not
Stop
Laughing!!!!!!

1277 Mom and Kiddo June 23, 2011 at 12:36 pm

My keyboard just shorted out due to all the tears of laughter falling on it.
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1278 stella803 June 23, 2011 at 12:38 pm

I love Victor but hate your doors.

1279 Really... June 23, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Wow, you and your husband treat eachother like a piece of shit. Good for you, you’re hilarious in your horrible marriage. I’m so glad everyone find this so funny, Humanity sucks.

1280 mittens June 23, 2011 at 12:40 pm

sure beats the year we took a garden gnome for hostage, eveyday should have humor, I love it!

1281 Kelly June 23, 2011 at 12:41 pm

I love this. a friend of mine has a big ugly chicken in her yard. It has been there for years and adds a touch of insanity poolside! My husband & I got married out in her pasture & our reception was attended by……you got it the chicken. Now go buy some new towels & drape them gracefully over the chicken….”he was cold”. He He

1282 Kelly Rendall June 23, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Hey I want a 5 foot chicken!!! Sounds just like something I’d do xxx

1283 Andrea June 23, 2011 at 12:46 pm

I can totally relate to you and Victor as my husband and I fight over stupid things too! I laughed so hard…I still am chuckling and wiping tears!!! I want a 5 ft metal chicken!!!!! It’s just what my marriage needs too!!!

Kudos to you!!

1284 SketchyBear June 23, 2011 at 12:46 pm
1285 Sydney June 23, 2011 at 12:46 pm

You just made my day with that story. Makes me feel a whole bunch better about the silly marital discussions I endure weekly. THANKS!

1286 bonescannr June 23, 2011 at 12:47 pm

I am 9 months pregnant and this whole article nearly put me into labor – I LOVE YOUR CHICKEN! Haven’t laughed this hard in ages – still brings tears to my eyes! I have the same husband – completely and totally – I would SO do this too!

1287 bonescannr June 23, 2011 at 12:47 pm

I am 9 months pregnant and this whole article nearly put me into labor – I LOVE YOUR CHICKEN! Haven’t laughed this hard in ages – still brings tears to my eyes! I have the same husband – completely and totally – I would SO do this too!

1288 Kay June 23, 2011 at 12:47 pm

This is HYSTERICAL. I love it!!

1289 lisa June 23, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Ahahaha! i want you for my best friend!

1290 Some Guy June 23, 2011 at 12:50 pm

You should learn to appreciate your better half’s taste in towels. There really are some things worse than “Pink Towels”. Take the cue.

1291 Gina June 23, 2011 at 12:51 pm

I don’t care what Victor thinks, but that chicken is awesome!
Good job, girls! Well played!!

1292 Cowgirlpal June 23, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Victor is all cackle and no egg!

1293 Carla June 23, 2011 at 12:52 pm

OMG – That is something that would happen at our house!

1294 Katrina June 23, 2011 at 12:53 pm

OMG! Hilarious ! :) ))))

1295 Stephanie June 23, 2011 at 12:59 pm

this is unbelievable. thank you for providing my laugh out loud fest today. I think that’s quite possibly the best spent $100 ever.
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1296 Donald Pennington June 23, 2011 at 12:59 pm

I never – in all my days – imagined a 5 ft metal cock could inspire laughter in my crotchety old heart. +10 Internetz to you.

1297 Tara June 23, 2011 at 1:02 pm

This was one of the funniest posts ever. From the shopping trip to naming her Beyonce (excellent chicken name, Laura!) and the knock, knock, motherfucker caption under the picture of a 5-foot chicken standing at your door. If Victor is against the chicken, I think you should sell postcards of Beyonce to recoup your $100 (re…coup…chickens have coups…I’m telling you Beyonce is literary GOLD.) I’d buy one in a heartbeat. I must see what I can charge from your 8 lbs. of uncut cocaine store. And I really, really, really do want that chicken.

1298 JB4375 June 23, 2011 at 1:02 pm

And I was all “wanting to party with The Blogress and Laura”.

Hilarious!!

1299 AnHonestMom June 23, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Quite possibly the best way to spend $100. Ever.
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1300 Bee June 23, 2011 at 1:05 pm

You made me laugh so hard I had to cross my legs to keep from wetting my pants. Thank you – I needed that!

1301 Dawn June 23, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Thank you SO MUCH for the story and for buying that chicken. How gorgeous and outrageous it is! I can’t wait to share this with my sweetie and let him know what he is getting in 14 years…..
=)
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1302 KCchristoph June 23, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Seriously, Joshua (comment #949), and Frank F. (comments #1008 & #1009), you need to re-read the post. Only this time put your spice-up-life-a-bit hat on first. That’s the spirit in which it was written.

And Frank, I loved your unintended misstatement that “the chicken is going to harbor resentment.” Honestly, I don’t think anyone has commented on the chicken’s point of view in this story, so I’m glad you brought it up.

1303 Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah June 23, 2011 at 1:09 pm

If I was having a bad day and that shit was at my door I would be cheered up instantly.

You guys should rent it out. You’d make the money back in no time.

(Please bring it to my house – we can fuck with every blogger in the DC metro area. This could keep us occupied for weeks. PLUS you could totally write off the trip if you blogged about it. I am a genius.)

1304 JEN June 23, 2011 at 1:09 pm

This is seriously epic. Sheer brilliance. Thank you for bringing a little Beyoncé into my life.

1305 Gen June 23, 2011 at 1:09 pm

That chicken at the front door is one of my favorite things. As in Oprah’s Favorite Things. If I were Oprah, I’d give everyone a giant chicken JUST LIKE THAT.

1306 Leslie June 23, 2011 at 1:11 pm

OMG, I’m SO emailing this to my hubby . . . F’n HILARIOUS!!!
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1307 madison June 23, 2011 at 1:11 pm

You showed him who had the bigger cock.
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1308 Charles June 23, 2011 at 1:15 pm

He should have left you and your rediculous chicken. How selfish are you?

1309 Karen June 23, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Not married, but still laughed so hard people at work were staring. Thanks for the mid-day laugh! You. Are. Brilliant.

1310 M.Sharpe June 23, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Hey…hate to break the news to you, but, that chicken story needs to be revised,,,ITS A FIVE FOOT METAL ROOSTER,

1311 Kyle Kilbourne June 23, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Why are you married..?

1312 Shane June 23, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Literally in tears at my desk (Which is the front desk to an apartment building). This is the funniest thing I have read in a LONG time!! I need to have adventures like this!

1313 Kyle Kilbourne June 23, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Why are you married..?

1314 Anonymous June 23, 2011 at 1:25 pm

PRICELESS !!!

1315 Ryan Drake June 23, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Hahah too funny! I want me a giant metal chicken!

1316 Tracy June 23, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Um, were we seperated at birth? That is the same stuff I pull on my hubby all of the time – though he fails to see the humor in it – meanwhile – I’m peeing my pants…………

1317 Ryan Drake June 23, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Hahah too funny! I want me a giant metal chicken!

1318 ida June 23, 2011 at 1:30 pm

i have to agree… i don’t know you but seriously LMAO reading this… priceless… my kind of humor and it totally reminded me of the time i forced a 6 ft half of a molded plaster halloween WITCH in my car at Christmas Tree Shop – CONVINCED my ex would think it was as AMAZING as i did… he did not – no wonder we aren’t together anymore… but there was nowhere EVER to put that witch and when i sold her at my garage sale last year i told her – YOUR HUSBAND IS NOT GOING TO LOVE IT AS MUCH AS YOU DO but buy it ANYWAY!!! lol

1319 Claudine June 23, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Brilliant!

1320 Lindsey June 23, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Thank you SO very much for the best laugh EVER! I have to have me some Beyonce.

1321 LaurieY June 23, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Laughed so hard I cried!! And I pretty much never do that unless I’ve stayed up late with a group of friends goofing around.

1322 Ryan Drake June 23, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Haha LOVE it! I want a giant metal chicken for my girlfriend!
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1323 Josh June 23, 2011 at 1:31 pm

First off, this article was written quite humorously…With that being said I write the rest:

My girlfriend made me read this. You ma’am are not the sharpest crayon in the box, are ya? Obviously your husband didn’t want anything more wasteful than your pink towels that he’s having to deal with. His point is that your taste (as far as being a married unit is concerened) is lacking and seems to be quite selfish. Just going by this one article I can see why he was in his office punching stuff. Probably not the first time either.

More than likely when he locks the door to it to keep you out he has a picture of you up on whatever he’s punching. Luckily, my girlfriend would never do something so wasteful, selfish, and outright disrespectful. Thank God we only have arguments over silly things, but resolve them by not giving a middle finger to the other.

So, the moral here is, pick your battles WISELY (not selfishly). I’m sure that he was only that pissed because he had been crapped on by other stunts/add decisions you had made.

1324 Carey-Anne June 23, 2011 at 1:32 pm

OMG. this was hilarious. you are great

1325 Jen June 23, 2011 at 1:33 pm

it’s a goddamn Rooster – not a chicken…just saying. And BTW – i wish i had one. Maybe when i get to 15 years i will get Ben one…we already have arguements about things like…well….towels, or anything else i think we need more of.

1326 TheLeahKitten June 23, 2011 at 1:35 pm

I cannot breathe. Jesus, is this what a heart attack feels like?? No, no, it’s just me laughing so hard that I might pee myself. You and this chicken are now my two favorite things, um, pretty much ever.
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1327 Debs June 23, 2011 at 1:35 pm

OMG, if you ever want to part with one please contact me. My 15th anniversary is in August and my husband would be so happy to have a 5′ tall metal chicken! It would go well with the life size fiberglass cow & the Bob’s Big Boy in our back yard. Elliot, the cow, has been in the family well before I met my husband over 20 years ago. Bob has been with us since 1994, technically it’s only the top half of Bob. My husband wants to make a cenatur with it. we need another fiberglass cow though, as Elliot cannot be sacrificed to the Centaur gods.

Tell Victor he’s lucky to have you . . .and Beyonce!

1328 GuyS June 23, 2011 at 1:36 pm

That is, quite simply, one of the funniest things I’ve read in a very long time. Thank you very much for sharing.

1329 GuyS June 23, 2011 at 1:36 pm

That is, quite simply, one of the funniest things I’ve read in a very long time. Thank you very much for sharing.

1330 Carrie June 23, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Well done ladies! Well done!

1331 Sara June 23, 2011 at 1:37 pm

I found a link to this on Facebook and I am officially obsessed with your blog now! You made me laugh out loud at work! Thank you!

1332 Linda Steed June 23, 2011 at 1:38 pm

I laughed, and laughed, and laughed… This is exactly the sort of stunt I would pull. Where can I get a large chicken?

1333 Ames June 23, 2011 at 1:41 pm

I have read this about 5 times and I laugh out loud every. single. time. Anyone who doesn’t find the humor in this need NOT comment! If you think this is for “men haters”, you clearly lack any sense of humor and therefore should keep your comments to yourself. Thanks for the great LAUGH! You’re a genius.

1334 tubekitty June 23, 2011 at 1:41 pm

LMAO. Victor should be thankin’ his lucky stars he’s got you. Especially since that ain’t no chicken…it’s a COCK!

1335 paulann pappas krieps June 23, 2011 at 1:41 pm

I love vendettas, and that is wholly a chicken shit way to go. 8>0……8>)…… I would have just bought a beach pail and shovel and served him dinner in it….and when he said “what the fuck?” I would have told him I was trying to keep the beach theme in the house “cohesive” and when he would continue by saying “This is fucked up” I would finish him off by saying, “Exactly”. Shalom most worthy storyteller.

1336 Barbo June 23, 2011 at 1:41 pm

I like the story. But, I can’t believe you would give the name “Beyonce” to an animal that is clearly a Rooster.

1337 tubekitty June 23, 2011 at 1:42 pm

LMAO. Victor should be thankin’ his lucky stars he’s got you. Especially since that ain’t no chicken…it’s a COCK!

1338 Mary June 23, 2011 at 1:44 pm

I made the mistake of reading this on my phone at work. I may have laughed a bit much-please dont let me be fired. But a Metal Chicken makes it all worth it.

and the Knock Knock motherfucker made me crack up

1339 Lisa June 23, 2011 at 1:44 pm

I’m a very occasional reader of your blog. I thought the way you wrote this was hilarious, but I also cringed a little at the way it made your marriage dynamic look. And, I totally kept my mouth shut on that one, because I know there’s no way to understand the complexities of someone else’s marriage, based on a blog post. I also know that my sense of humour doesn’t run to practical jokes, never has, and never will.

I’m so glad I got to read your reply to post number 415 (everyone says it’s #414, but it was 415 when I looked?). You and Victor obviously have a lot of fun with each other, and the fact that most of it would drive me nuts doesn’t matter. If it suits the two of you, then that’s what counts. Congratulations on 15 years of obvious hilarity…and thanks for the blog. I don’t read it all the time, but I sometimes flip to it when I’m having an unusually crappy day, and it always picks me up.

1340 Chele June 23, 2011 at 1:44 pm

OMG … funniest thing I’ve read in a long time!!!

1341 Betty June 23, 2011 at 1:44 pm

That was an enjoyable read!
Thanks

1342 Ann June 23, 2011 at 1:44 pm

this is superb!!! I usually buy garden nomes and leave them on peoples doorsteps, but if I could find a giant chicken….now that would be the piece de resistance!!
Fabulous. you made me laugh, big time!

1343 MrsH June 23, 2011 at 1:45 pm

When my late father was a small child, his grandfather asked him to go close the barn door, since it was getting dark. My father refused, because “There’s a boogerman out there.” My great-grandfather asked what that boogerman looked like, and he said (and I am not making this up) “It’s like a chicken made out of metal but it’s tall as a man.”

And therefore, you have created Beyoncé the Boogerman. Congratulations.

1344 MrsH June 23, 2011 at 1:45 pm

When my late father was a small child, his grandfather asked him to go close the barn door, since it was getting dark. My father refused, because “There’s a boogerman out there.” My great-grandfather asked what that boogerman looked like, and he said (and I am not making this up) “It’s like a chicken made out of metal but it’s tall as a man.”

And therefore, you have created Beyoncé the Boogerman.

Congratulations.

1345 rudrama June 23, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Bwaahhhaahhh…. You go girl. You inspired me to take action IMMEDIATELY

1346 Ames June 23, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Absolute genius. Anyone who doesn’t think this is funny need NOT comment. I’ve read it about 5 times and I laugh out loud each time. Everyone I shared it with feels the same! Keep up the good work.

1347 Sam June 23, 2011 at 1:49 pm

OMG dying over this! Best story ever!

1348 Carolyn June 23, 2011 at 1:50 pm

BEST THING EVER!!! Seriously. I want a Beyonce! LOL
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1349 MarcellineCazz June 23, 2011 at 1:51 pm

This was perfect. So funny. I laughed so hard I was crying. Read it aloud to my 20 yr old son and now he’s going to his computer to share your blog w/ his friends. This is the first thing I’ve read by you, but I’ve immediately subscribed. Can’t imagine there’ll be anything here I won’t love!

1350 Scott June 23, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Who needs a 5 foot chicken when you live a block from this:

Scott
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1351 Sue June 23, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Damn that was funny!

1352 ginny June 23, 2011 at 1:56 pm

You’re my hero. No seriously. You are. I admire a woman who knows when NOT buying towels is the right thing to do….
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1353 Karen June 23, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Best. Money. Ever. Spent!!!!

that was classic – I laughed my ass of reading this and even DH found it funny. I did warn him that it could always be worse as TRUST ME when I tell you – we have had that towel discussion often (altho it could be towels, dvd’s, kids toys etc….)

thanks for the best laugh I have had this week!

1354 Alex June 23, 2011 at 1:58 pm

This is the best. thing. EVAH!

1355 Ames June 23, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Absolutely hilarious. I’ve read it about 5 times and I laugh out loud each time. Anyone who doesn’t see the humor in this need not comment! You’re a genius.

1356 Hannah Draga June 23, 2011 at 2:00 pm

I just had the “we need towels/we don’t need towels” argument with the hubs not two weeks ago. I finally broke down and bought some. I really wish I’d bought a giant metal chicken instead.

1357 Rochelle June 23, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Lmbo. Best story ever!!! I so want to get a chicken like that and put it on my in-law ‘s front porch, ring the bell and run.

1358 SAHM: Surviving Assorted Home Mayhem June 23, 2011 at 2:03 pm

I just had the “we need towels/ we don’t need towels” argument with the hubby a couple weeeks ago. I finally broke down and bought towels. I really wish I’d bought a giant metal chicken instead.
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1359 jan June 23, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Husbands are to be cherished not laughed at or made fun of. Seriously grow up!

1360 Christina June 23, 2011 at 2:04 pm

This is the best thing I have read in a long time. This is exactly my kind of humor and it had me loling all over the place.
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1361 Kristi June 23, 2011 at 2:04 pm

I keep seeing this link pop up in my FB. “17 other friends have shared this link” Every time I reread this post, I still cry from laughter. Best post ever.

1362 PetitBebeCreatioNZ June 23, 2011 at 2:05 pm

You made me laugh – so funny. Thanks.

1363 Jennifer June 23, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Oh, dear God… I haven’t laughed so hard (with tears rolling down my cheeks, no less) in a LONG time. Thanks so much for this article!!

1364 Denise June 23, 2011 at 2:10 pm

omg, I was crding laughing, just what I needed..!

1365 Belanos June 23, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Not funny in that you two are not compatible. Crappy tv sitcoms have taught our society that this kind of relationship is normal. It’s not. You two will break up sooner or later. It would be better to do it now so you can each find someone more compatible.

1366 Anonymous June 23, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Best. Gift. Ever!!!!!!!!!

That was by and far the funniest thing I have read in ages – mostly because I have had the same argument with my husband altho it is usually over shoes/clothes/kids toys etc…. please tell me you will rent Beyonce out!

thanks for making my day!

1367 Holly Sturm June 23, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Oh my God. I’m married to Victor, only his name is Jason. AND I didnt buy any more fabric like he said, I bought Horatio. 6 foot metal knight. Taller than Jason. He currently lives on our porch and I dress him up for the holidays. This makes Jason *very* happy.

1368 Bea June 23, 2011 at 2:13 pm

I love that you bought it at Home Goods. On the other end of the spectrum, I (who generally reviles the ‘dress up your dog in cute outfit du jour trend so many celebs endorse) found a dachshund sized (actually it was cat sized, but my dachshund is smaller than my cat) rooster costume on my first trip to Home Goods. It got purchased. Dachschicken was unleashed without warning upon my parents’ Thanksgiving Dinner party. It. Was. Awesome. Home goods: For all of your Faux-ltry needs.

1369 Twinisms June 23, 2011 at 2:13 pm

That chicken is the best thing I’ve ever seen. You should buy them all and then you can “have chickens” like all the hipsters are doing these days.

1370 Lana June 23, 2011 at 2:14 pm

I laughed so hard I cried!!! One of my friends turned me onto your site – you have a new fan!!! Thank you!

1371 Twinisms June 23, 2011 at 2:15 pm

That chicken is the best thing ever. You should buy them all so you can “have chickens” like all the hipsters are doing these days.

1372 Lilscorpiosweet June 23, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Thanks for this post it made my day. I had already been having a good day until this and I have to say that it was the icing on my cake. All the while I was reading about your giant chicken/rooster/cock I was thinking of my best friend. So hilarious. I think she would have died laughing at having the giant thing on her door step. I know I would have been.

I still haven’t read all the comments which I hope to tackle sometime today.

1373 abby June 23, 2011 at 2:16 pm

i completely found this link on fb and i’m loving your site. this post was so funny, but at the same time you’re definitely right about choosing your battles, lol. i can’t get over the huge chicken. this is something i’d do myself, LMFAO
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1374 Karen June 23, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Best. Gift. Ever!!!!!!!!!

That was by and far the funniest thing I have read in ages – mostly because I have had the same argument with my husband altho it is usually over shoes/clothes/kids toys etc…. please tell me you will rent Beyonce out!

thanks for making my day!

1375 Anonymous June 23, 2011 at 2:20 pm

This is super.

1376 Melissa June 23, 2011 at 2:21 pm

OMG – that was freakin’ HYSTERICAL!!! Beyonce RULES!!!

1377 Jessica June 23, 2011 at 2:21 pm

I want one!!! You’re giving me some creative ideas for annoying my husband, who probably doesn’t understand the sheer beauty of giant metal chickens.

1378 Bradley June 23, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Ok…so, thank you very much, I’m now stuck in your blog-hole and have been reading [literally] everything you’ve written — my sides ache from laughing, my co-workers are giving me dirty looks, and I now sound like a wheezing old woman who has smoked for 150 years, not to mention the tears running down my face [which is one of the reasons I am glad boys don't {usually} wear eye makeup], and oh, that project-I-was-working-on-that-was-due-tomorrow? I think I’ll be a cohort in insomnia tonight trying to power through it.

in closing…thank you for your blog. I wish you were closer — I think we might cause a lot of trouble together.

ps — take it easy on Victor, he probably had no idea what he was getting himself into. — boys are typically not that aware of things… :-)

1379 Bradley June 23, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Ok…so, thank you very much, I’m now stuck in your blog-hole and have been reading [literally] everything you’ve written — my sides ache from laughing, my co-workers are giving me dirty looks, and I now sound like a wheezing old woman who has smoked for 150 years, not to mention the tears running down my face [which is one of the reasons I am glad boys don't {usually} wear eye makeup], and oh, that project-I-was-working-on-that-was-due-tomorrow? I think I’ll be a cohort in insomnia tonight trying to power through it.

in closing…thank you for your blog. I wish you were closer — I think we might cause a lot of trouble together.

ps — take it easy on Victor, he probably had no idea what he was getting himself into. — boys are typically not that aware of things… :-)

1380 Tim Newhouse June 23, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Hilarious. I couldn’t stop laughing the entire time. Way to go!

1381 Karina June 23, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Oh. My. God. I love you. I wish I could do things like this every day. And one time I fell in love with an iron giraffe yard sculpture – life size, mind you – and actually stood there trying to figure out if I could make a payment plan work, I loved it so much.
You are my hero. 15 YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS.

1382 Bryan June 23, 2011 at 2:29 pm

This is AWESOME! ROFL

1383 Tinychicken June 23, 2011 at 2:29 pm

I am seriously in love with this blog – can’t believe I just now found it (via Beyonce posted on a friend’s FB wall). So glad I did, though. You are hilarious! I went to see my mom at lunch and made her read it with me. Both of us were laughing so hard, we were crying.

All of these idiots criticizing you need to get a life ANDd a sense of humor. By the way, my boyfriend of 11 years calls me Chicken, and now I must have one of these! This also totally sounds like something one of us would do to the other. Great stuff! Keep on, Jenny – you’re awesome!

1384 Tinychicken June 23, 2011 at 2:29 pm

I am seriously in love with this blog – can’t believe I just now found it (via Beyonce posted on a friend’s FB wall). So glad I did, though. You are hilarious! I went to see my mom at lunch and made her read it with me. Both of us were laughing so hard, we were crying.

All of these idiots criticizing you need to get a life ANDd a sense of humor. By the way, my boyfriend of 11 years calls me Chicken, and now I must have one of these! This also totally sounds like something one of us would do to the other. Great stuff! Keep on, Jenny – you’re awesome!

1385 Becky B June 23, 2011 at 2:29 pm

You just made my day!!! This is awesome! 15 years is big metal chickens… Happy 15yrs!

1386 Illy June 23, 2011 at 2:30 pm

That is TOO funny!

Probably WHY I’m NOT married!
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1387 Becky B June 23, 2011 at 2:30 pm

You just made my day!!! This is awesome! 15 years is big metal chickens… Happy 15yrs!

1388 Debbie June 23, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Thank you, thank you, THANK you. I haven’t laughed like that since I read “I am better than your kids”…or found out about the Japanese song and video “Yatta!” Kudos!

1389 bridgett June 23, 2011 at 2:30 pm

an amazing gift wish i had of come up with it myself only thing i could think of to make it better is to add it someway in a smaller version for every holiday a chicken holiday.

1390 Gayle June 23, 2011 at 2:30 pm

This is hilarious! Who the hell does he think he is telling you not to buy more towels? I bet he uses the towels you buy to dry his wet ass! This is the best of “you did not just tell me what I can and cannot buy just now, did you?” stories ever! It totally made me lmao!

1391 DressMeUp/DressMeDown June 23, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Thanks you for making me laugh out loud at work !! I need a giant metal chicken in my life.
http://dressmeup-dressmedown.blogspot.com/
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1392 Kathy June 23, 2011 at 2:31 pm

I have never laughed so hard reading a blog in my laugh. I seriously have tears running down my face and I am sooooo going to share this for my friends to read too. I love the whole “pick your battles” theme because it is so true!! Thanks for the laugh.

1393 Amy June 23, 2011 at 2:32 pm

This is just brilliant. You are a soul sister….. My girlfriends and I may invite you over. :)
We’ve determined that there are two types of people in this world. People that think farts are funny and those that don’t. I’m sad for you that Victor may fall in that later of the two categories.

1394 Mark June 23, 2011 at 2:33 pm

That giant metal cock should be named “Steely Dan.” (Look it up.)

1395 La Chapstick Fanatique June 23, 2011 at 2:35 pm

This is freaking hilarious. I actually live in “Chicken Country” and there are a ton of people out here that would truly appreciate this.

http://lachapstickfanatique.blogspot.com

1396 cynthia helm June 23, 2011 at 2:35 pm

“clucking” hilarious!

1397 Jessica June 23, 2011 at 2:36 pm

This is some of the funniest shit I have read in a long time!! This sounds just like something my firiend Julie and I would do and your husband sounds like mine. I love the caption on the picture. Thanks for being real. You are my new FAV, because you have the biggest Cock of them all…lol.

1398 K_BB June 23, 2011 at 2:37 pm

You are my new favorite human being. I would totally buy something like a 5-foot chicken solely on the recommendation of a really drunk person.

1399 Katie @ NYCitified June 23, 2011 at 2:37 pm

I LOVE this chicken. Please, please could you send him to Brooklyn to ring my doorbell? I would just about die to see my police officer fiance open the door to find a 5 foot, metal chicken staring back at him. Bwah-hahaha!

1400 Marie-Louise McHugh June 23, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Fabulous chicken. Where did you buy that…. I want one too.

1401 Adonna @ The Author Pro June 23, 2011 at 2:39 pm

I. was. shocked. by. the. chicken. I truly was. I stared and then laughed my head off for 5 minutes… at least! Then I shared it with anyone who would look. What a killer *funny* blog post this is. This post has absolutely brightened my day. Thanks for sharing this with us! Power to the chickens. lol
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1402 Meredith June 23, 2011 at 2:39 pm

LOVE THIS – and now I want one. I sent this to my husband asking one for my birthday, I think it will look good next the the pantry so I can high five the chicken on the way to get wine.
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1403 Shelly Danko+Day June 23, 2011 at 2:39 pm

LOVE IT! So fabulous! Thanks for making me laugh so hard I’m crying!

1404 Marie-Louise McHugh June 23, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Fabulous chicken…. where did you find it? I want one too!

1405 Judi Fennell June 23, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Tears! I have tears running down my face and into my mouth and all over my jaw and, ewww, I’m just so not attractive right now!

Please please please don’t ever get rid of Beyonce. Unless you put her on someone else’s doorstep. And the rocks to discourage burglars!!! OMG, PRICELESS!!!

1406 Janina June 23, 2011 at 2:41 pm

you know what I love about you? Everything! Thanks (once again) for making my day. (and also making me feel a little less insane) Victor is a lucky man indeed.

1407 Cory June 23, 2011 at 2:43 pm

My wife made me read this, as a husband I find this god damn hilarious. This rocks. My wife and I would totally do this to each other.

1408 Jessie June 23, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Please write a book. And PLEASE name it “Knock, Knock, Motherfucker” with that wonderful picture of Beyonce at the door as the cover. I have never laughed so hard at a blog/book/magazine, EVER. I even read all 1018 comments because I figured followers of your blog would have quite the senses of humor. I was not disappointed! I was led to the link by a FB post and prompty shared it on my page as well. The next time my husband of 6 years and I have a fight, I will think to myself “knock, knock, Motherfucker” and hopefully giggle myself out of a funky mood. Thanks for the laugh!!!!!!

1409 BWJ June 23, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Old ladies shouldn’t laugh this much. Almost wet my pants. Funiest thing I have seen in a while.

1410 Christina June 23, 2011 at 2:46 pm

OMG!!! Loved it. Great story…I would love to come across a giant metal chicken just to mess with my husband, although he would laugh…eventually. :)

1411 Shannon June 23, 2011 at 2:48 pm

OH MY GOD, this is hilarious! This is the first time I’ve read your blog and I love it.

1412 Mary from NJ June 23, 2011 at 2:50 pm

OMG! Our 29th anniversary is next month and I am thinkin this may be just the ticket, where did you buy Beyonce?

1413 Anonymous June 23, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Jenny,

Even your responses to comments are funny…read #285 and yours 286,,,,love your humor…

1414 iTwirl Round June 23, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Very funny! My kind of humour. But it wasn’t you – Victor needed to chill. It wasn’t worth getting upset over. Its a chicken – not a 200 lb bag of horse manure!

1415 Spitfire June 23, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Jenny,

Even your responses to comments are funny…read #285 and yours 286,,,,love your humor…my daughter turned me on to your blog….great.

1416 Jessie June 23, 2011 at 2:53 pm

You should write a book of your adventures. Name it “Knock, Knock, Motherfu*#ker.” I don’t think I have ever laughed so hard in all my life over something I’ve read. I even read all the comments because I thought your readers might have great senses of humor as well. With a few exceptions, I was not disappointed. Too funny. Next time my husband and I fight, I am going to picture Beyonce, think to myself “knock, knock, motherfu#*er,” and hopefully giggle myself out of anger. Thanks for the laughs!

1417 Jen R-Y June 23, 2011 at 2:53 pm

OMG this is SO my husband and I

1418 Crystal Pratt June 23, 2011 at 2:54 pm

You are my hero.
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1419 Anonymous June 23, 2011 at 2:54 pm

That was hysterical! Thanks for the laugh… I really needed that today! :) Happy 15th!

1420 Martha H. June 23, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Write again when the divorce happens; both of you seem too immature to stay married for the long haul.

1421 Missy June 23, 2011 at 2:56 pm

My first time here thanks to a FB friend. Laughing out loud and I have my husband and son wondering what is so funny. I’m not usually a blog follower, but will be sending this to my sister-in-law’s sister as a compliment to both of you.

I have only known two other men to tell their women they “forbid” something to happen. Each of those times has ended with the women doing exactly what was forbidden.

Best wishes on your blog! I really think we all need new jobs so we can all afford to write off giant 5 foot metal chickens. Until then, this is much cheaper than hiring a therapist! Thanks for the laugh and thanks for sharing the joy in your marriage!

1422 CaroleHeidi June 23, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Dude that chicken is epic. I want one for my birthday. Which is on Monday if anyone happens to be feeling generous and live in the same country as me…

1423 CaroleHeidi June 23, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Dude that chicken is epic. I want one for my birthday. Which is on Monday if anyone happens to be feeling generous and live in the same country as me…

1424 lovely113z June 23, 2011 at 2:58 pm

is it wrong that the funniest part to me is the negative commenters. Seriously, they cannot have ever read the blog before. The man who bought you James Garfield will probably get over the five foot cock. Also, he clearly wasn’t that surprised.

And I love you for brightening my life. Where do we send the towels ;)

1425 Kristen June 23, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Thank you, thank you, thank you! This totally made my day. I laughed so hard I cried, then carried the laptop in to my mother-in-law, who laughed so hard she cried. And then we wouldn’t let father-in-law read it… :) This totally changed my mood! :)

1426 lovely113z June 23, 2011 at 2:58 pm

is it wrong that the funniest part to me is the negative commenters. Seriously, they cannot have ever read the blog before. The man who bought you James Garfield will probably get over the five foot cock. Also, he clearly wasn’t that surprised. Plus 200 bucks of free chicken!!!

And I love you for brightening my life. Where do we send the towels ;)

1427 Katrina Kaczmarek June 23, 2011 at 2:58 pm

I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time! THANK YOU!!!! I am a breast cancer patient, and I had chemotherapy this morning. I was sitting in my chair when I read your blog. I was laughing so hard I cried, and read it out loud to the other patients and nurses in the area. THANK YOU FOR THE LAUGHS! I so want to be that funny, and bring home a big chicken to my hubby someday!
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1428 Katrina Kaczmarek June 23, 2011 at 2:59 pm

I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time! THANK YOU!!!! I am a breast cancer patient, and I had chemotherapy this morning. I was sitting in my chair when I read your blog. I was laughing so hard I cried, and read it out loud to the other patients and nurses in the area. THANK YOU FOR THE LAUGHS!
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1429 leah June 23, 2011 at 3:00 pm

is it wrong that the funniest part to me is the negative commenters. Seriously, they cannot have ever read the blog before. The man who bought you James Garfield will probably get over the five foot cock. Also, he clearly wasn’t that surprised. Plus look at all the money you saved, 200 bucks of free chicken!!!

And I love you for brightening my life. Where do we send the towels ;)

1430 leah June 23, 2011 at 3:01 pm

is it wrong that the funniest part to me is the negative commenters. Seriously, they cannot have ever read the blog before. The man who bought you James Garfield will probably get over the five foot cock. Also, he clearly wasn’t that surprised. Plus look at all the money you saved, 200 bucks of free chicken!!!

And I love you for brightening my life. Where do we send the towels ;)

if this ever posts sorry if their are duplicates. I only seem to get errors, never a confirmation :(

1431 Ricardo June 23, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Victor should have been grateful..after all, you did buy him a bigger cock.

1432 Mikey June 23, 2011 at 3:04 pm

Nice house. Hope you get a photo of it to remember it by when Victor has had enough of your bullshit and kicks your dumb ass out.

1433 Janina June 23, 2011 at 3:05 pm

you light up my life. that is all.
oh, and Victor is a lucky man.

1434 themrswright June 23, 2011 at 3:05 pm

This is so funny, I CANNOT stop laughing about it, thanks for making my day start with a hysterical laugh!

1435 Nicole June 23, 2011 at 3:07 pm

I read this post to my husband as a warning to him. Hilarious!

1436 Julie June 23, 2011 at 3:07 pm

….Sigh… *wipe tear from eye*….Now that I have recovered from the laughing fit, that is AWESOME! You are my kind of girl.

1437 Melly June 23, 2011 at 3:07 pm

That is better than the time I traded my husbands manly Stanley lunchbox for an adam ant one!!!

Thanks so fricken much. I want one.
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1438 Kara June 23, 2011 at 3:07 pm

“That chicken is going to harbor resentment every time he looks at it.” It’s true. Chickens are WELL known for holding grudges. Beyonce is NEVER going to let Victor forget.

1439 Kelli June 23, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Awesome. Just plain awesome.

1440 Lucky Dame June 23, 2011 at 3:10 pm

This was amazing.

I’m laughing so hard in my office right now…co-workers are shutting their office doors.

Reminds me of when my Mom went to a craft fair years ago and brought home life-size Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. In wicker, of course.

She set it on the front porch and waited for my Dad to open the door. When he did, he looked at them silently. Then said, “Well, they can stay but they can’t stay IN the house”. LMAO

1441 Lucky Dame June 23, 2011 at 3:10 pm

This was amazing.

I’m laughing so hard in my office right now…co-workers are shutting their office doors.

Reminds me of when my Mom went to a craft fair years ago and brought home life-size Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. In wicker, of course.

She set it on the front porch and waited for my Dad to open the door. When he did, he looked at them silently. Then said, “Well, they can stay but they can’t stay IN the house”. LMAO

1442 Theresa Milstein June 23, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Considering you’ve been married for fifteen years, Victor doesn’t know you at all. Does he even read your blog?! As soon as I saw he drew the line on bath towels, I knew he was going to be very, very sorry.

1443 Kim June 23, 2011 at 3:15 pm

I am DYING laughing…so so funny. I think I’ll keep this trick in mind next time I need a laugh. LOVE it…thanks for sharing your chicken story. Now I want one.

1444 Julie McIntosh June 23, 2011 at 3:15 pm

That is pantswettingly hilarious. I am crying and thanking God that I did my Kegels faithfully, or I’d need a new couch….

1445 brittney June 23, 2011 at 3:15 pm

OMG this was the funniest thing I have ever read! Love the Beyonce chicken vs towels hehehe

1446 Zozzie Golden June 23, 2011 at 3:17 pm

I appreciate my husband even more after reading about Victor. Maybe you should build him a chicken coop. You could put him and the chicken in it.

1447 Fred June 23, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Brilliant! Simply brilliant!! I wish my girlfriend had this same sense of humor.

1448 Barb June 23, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Think of the amazing comments this will make in your future. If you ever get divorced and the bird goes with you in the future you hubby can say “Well, I used to have a 5′cock, but my wife got it in the settlement”

As your sex life dwindles you can tell your therapist, “our sex life went down hill about the time the cock got rusty”

1449 kim(frogpondsrock) June 23, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Oh Jenny, thank you so much. I am sitting here giggling so much that I am crying.
This is definitely up there with Sir James Garfield. Maybe some Beyonce chicken cards for thanksgiving?

1450 Maria June 23, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Your story is hilarious, I would have loved to see the Salesperson with the “chicken” I have been married 30 years and this has topped anything I have done. But alas… I must tell you, Beyonce’ is a Rooster.. nice cock

1451 Linda June 23, 2011 at 3:21 pm

I think Victor suffers from “cock” envy and feels threatened.

1452 Emily Franklin June 23, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Myhusband yelled at me over washing his laundry, so I bought a cat he refused to let me have for 10 years. He doesn’t yell much about anything anymore. Guess who cares for the cat? Him, exactly. When he’s not being sweet I tell him he needs a dog ;)

1453 Anjii June 23, 2011 at 3:22 pm

New reader here… I’ve read it 3 times and can’t stop laughing and crying!!! I will be a new follower for life… can’t wait to catch up on your previous posts, and see more new ones <3
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1454 a random reader June 23, 2011 at 3:22 pm

I can see the humor there, as long as you intended to return the chicken all along. But if it was for keeps, that’s a horrible waste of money. Why don’t you save up your money and go on a nice vacation with your husband instead of pissing it away in in trinkets?

1455 Sue Cohen June 23, 2011 at 3:25 pm

You are one awesome lady–One of the BEST get-backs ever! You have learned so much in such a short time ( I’m married over 30 years) I am very proud to pass the mantle of perfect wife-revenge to YOU!

1456 Eric P June 23, 2011 at 3:27 pm

Funny how most of the females think spending a bunch of money to piss off the s.o. is funny, and most of the guys don’t see the humor in it.

1457 Eric P June 23, 2011 at 3:27 pm

Funny how most of the females think spending a bunch of money to piss off the s.o. is funny, and most of the guys don’t see the humor in it.

1458 Jay June 23, 2011 at 3:30 pm

The giant metal chicken is funny, but did your husband really scream and lock himself in his office and “punch things?” How old is your husband, 13?

1459 Glynis June 23, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Thanks for the huge laugh! I’m a chicken fan from way back. Started with my 2 sons juggling – rubber chickens flying around with their scrawny legs askew. Poultry in Motion, you know.

http://qwinkly.livejournal.com/39039.html

1460 Glynis June 23, 2011 at 3:32 pm

Thanks for the huge laugh! I’m a chicken fan from way back. Started with my 2 sons juggling – rubber chickens flying around with their scrawny legs askew. Poultry in Motion, you know.

http://qwinkly.livejournal.com/39039.html

1461 Sarah June 23, 2011 at 3:33 pm

I have never read your blog until now. I’m hooked. Thanks for the much needed chicks and giggles.

1462 Anonymous June 23, 2011 at 3:33 pm

Thanks for the huge laugh! I’m a chicken fan from way back. Started with my 2 sons juggling – rubber chickens flying around with their scrawny legs askew. Poultry in Motion, you know.

My blog: http://qwinkly.livejournal.com/39039.html

1463 mo June 23, 2011 at 3:34 pm

My friend Kelly sent this to me saying, this is for Mo. I go thru this same struggle w/ my husband…dont ever buy anything…Almost all of my fun stuff is out in the garage after moving in with him over 3 years ago. he would PLOTZ if i bought a giant chicken and placed it well within his eyesite..
Love it , Mean it. I am a fan

1464 Vic June 23, 2011 at 3:35 pm

I’m a guy, named VICTOR, and I thought this was some truly funny stuff. The Victor in question sounds like an asshole.

1465 Coretta June 23, 2011 at 3:37 pm

bless your relationship with Victor…
I needed this laugh.
Thanks

1466 Linda June 23, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Hate to tell ya, but Beyonce’ is a HE. What a RIOT, though.

1467 amy @ My Illinoisy Life June 23, 2011 at 3:38 pm

I tried reading this outloud to my boyfriend, and I don’t know that he got to experience the true esscence of the story since a lot of words were replaced with snorting and chortling and an occasional declaration of “I’m about to pee my pants.”
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1468 Nicole Raine June 23, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Thank you for making my anniversary liveable! That is a beautifully awesome adventure. It brought tears of joy to my eyes. :)

1469 Sarah June 23, 2011 at 3:39 pm

The only thing NOT funny about this is that now if I come across a giant rooster in Home Goods I’ll feel obligated to buy it whereas I never would have before. AND I live in Texas. My husband will be thrilled! (And, for the record, this is the kind of crap we do to each other all the time and our marriage is awesome, thankyouvermuch).

1470 KF June 23, 2011 at 3:39 pm

This is the funniest thing I ever read. I love to do this kind of stuff…you have inspired me to go big! Very Big

Kushan

1471 Sandwiched June 23, 2011 at 3:40 pm

My MIL seems to have a thing for birds with hats. She will buy bird tchochkes, bring them home, and festoon them with a chapeau.

I think she NEEDS to own this large rusty metal chicken. She’s on her own with the hat, though.

Off to find me a Home Goods store…

LOVE!

1472 Kris June 23, 2011 at 3:40 pm

I spit out my drink when I got to the photo of Beyonce at the front door. Holy mother.

One of the funniest blog posts ever. I shared this on FB and everyone else I know has re-shared it. This is GOLD.

1473 amy June 23, 2011 at 3:42 pm

I tried to read this outloud to my boyfriend, but between the chortling, snorting and occasional declaration of “I’m going to pee my effing pants!” I’m not sure that he was able to appeciate the true esscence of a five-foot chicken named Beyonce. I especially lost it at “stand back ‘because this chicken will cut you.’”
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1474 Corey June 23, 2011 at 3:43 pm

You have set me up for quite the interesting quandary. How do I explain to my 21 month old that clutching your sides while bent over, crying hysterically and gasping “Oh my god, I can’t stop! Oh my god, make it stop!” is a GOOD thing?
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1475 Stacey June 23, 2011 at 3:45 pm

Crying…. can’t breathe… so funny…so true…Chicken Down! OMG!!

1476 amy June 23, 2011 at 3:48 pm

I tried to read this outloud to my boyfriendI tried to read this outloud to my boyfriend, but between the chortling, snorting and occasional declaration of “I’m going to pee my effing pants!” I’m not sure that he was able to appeciate the true esscence of a five-foot chicken named Beyonce. I especially lost it at “stand back ‘because this chicken will cut you.’”
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1477 Corey June 23, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Original Comment: You have set me up for quite the interesting quandary. How do I explain to my 21 month old that clutching your sides while doubled over crying hysterically and gasping: “Oh my god, I can’t stop. Oh my god, make it stop!” is a good thing?

Comment on that comment: I clicked “submit” and got a very long and tedious error message. Taking a page from your book, I hit the refresh button, hoping my comment would magically reappear. It was witty and I liked it. I then got a message from you saying “You’re posting comments too fast. Slow down.” Ummm, I haven’t even posted ONE yet, but thanks. Now I am copying all this in case it shits the bed again :)

1478 TR June 23, 2011 at 3:53 pm

So, I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard when I read this the other day. Then my co-worker and I go out for lunch today and look who we came across! https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/270508_1933712815586_1025261596_31840794_4226400_n.jpg We could not believe our luck!!

1479 jen h June 23, 2011 at 3:54 pm

I highly recommend you write a screenplay.

1480 Leslie June 23, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Saw your blog on Facebook and had to instantly post it myself! Made my day :) (and now I want a freaky metal chicken)

1481 Jesse Lake June 23, 2011 at 3:56 pm

This is the first thing I’ve ever read on your blog and I’m already hooked. You’ve earned a coveted spot on my bookmark toolbar, right beside all the sites I click on every single day at least once if not 2 or 10 or 20 times. Congratulations, for whatever that’s worth. This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.

1482 Bronwyn Tudor June 23, 2011 at 3:56 pm

As someone who collects flamingos — in every imaginable form — and some not-so-imaginable, I could especialy appreciate this.

1483 Jesse Lake June 23, 2011 at 3:56 pm

This is the first thing I’ve ever read on your blog and I’m already hooked. You’ve earned a coveted spot on my bookmark toolbar, right beside all the sites I click on every single day at least once if not 2 or 10 or 20 times. Congratulations, for whatever that’s worth. This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.

1484 Lisa June 23, 2011 at 3:59 pm

As usual, I am CRYING laughing as I read this! “IT’S FULL OF WHIMSY!” is an awesome quote. I’m going to embroider it onto a pillow! And the picture of the chicken standing at your front do is the Best. Picture. EVER. Love ya, Jen!!
xoxo

1485 Belletrist June 23, 2011 at 4:01 pm

I totally love this story. Hahahaha. Go Beyonce!

1486 Carole Bryson June 23, 2011 at 4:01 pm

… just read this to my husband and he didn’t laugh like I did – in fact, he didn’t laughed at all, but he did say, that it was the type of thing that I would do !!! wah ha ha – it is as well !

I however, think that Beyonce the transvestite chicken-cock story is just about the funniest thing that I have ever read, and I’m passing it on to all the gals I know !

1487 Linda Ferrara June 23, 2011 at 4:01 pm

My only laugh today… and all week. If the chicken was wearing a towel, I might have peed. Thanks for the cluck!

1488 ronda June 23, 2011 at 4:02 pm

LMAO! Bet you get towels for your anniversary!

1489 Sharon Usry June 23, 2011 at 4:04 pm

This is too doggone funny!!! My husband needs a lesson like this!

1490 Sharon Usry June 23, 2011 at 4:04 pm

This is too doggone funny!!! My husband needs a lesson like this!

1491 Rufus Monkey June 23, 2011 at 4:05 pm

That cock is Hilarious and I’m calling all the Home Goods in Las Vegas looking for one as I sit here with tears streaming down my face from laughing. I want it for my Balcony that overlooks a parking lot and I will be adding light up eyes if I find one. I want to spook my neighbors witha 5′ Cock!

1492 Walking In My Sleep June 23, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Stationing Beyoncé directly in front of his only window…has be laughing so hard I think I’m going to pee! Can’t wait to see what his anniversary present to you is. Perhaps towels???

1493 TIm June 23, 2011 at 4:07 pm

I’m so torn (like, little chicken or big chicken torn) because I want my wife to see this, yet…I know I would strangle her and wrap her in crappy bath towels if she brought home a giant ass chicken. I think I’m going to go with letting her know she should google 5′ metal chicken and Victor and if she can find it, fine.

1494 Walking In My Sleep June 23, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Stationing Beyoncé directly in front of his only window…has be laughing so hard I think I’m going to pee! Can’t wait to see what his anniversary present to you is. Perhaps towels???

1495 Dana June 23, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Have you noticed that most of the guys who commented have no sense of humor about this whatsoever…and all of us women are laughing our asses off? I love it. It’s like a modern-day Aesop’s fable with the moral that men shouldn’t make dictatorial edicts about how money is spent…especially if their wives contribute to the bank account.

1496 Johi June 23, 2011 at 4:08 pm

I have tears streaming down my face. No wonder this page wouldn’t load for me yesterday. EVERYONE on the Internet was on here laughing and commenting.
I bow to you. And I thought the 3 foot tall cowboy hat wearing frog playing a guitar that I found was a necessity…. now I must find myself a 5 foot chicken as well.

1497 Kate June 23, 2011 at 4:10 pm

I just wanted to thank you for making me laugh until I nearly cried/peed/choked simultaneously. Seriously, this made my day.
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1498 Hedlie LaMar June 23, 2011 at 4:10 pm

WHO made that fabulous chicken?
My softball team is named Chicken Mafia and we need one for a mascot STAT.
Especially a chicken that will cut a bitch.

1499 Linda June 23, 2011 at 4:11 pm

You made me laugh, and then when I thought the laughing was done, your reply comments cracked me up all over again.

That was the first one of your posts that I’ve ever read (talk about coming late to the party), and now I get to discover the rest of your blog. Yay! :D
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1500 Walking In My Sleep June 23, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Stationing Beyoncé directly in front of his only window has me laughing so hard I think I’m going to pee! Can’t wait to see what he buys you for your anniversary present. Perhaps towels???
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1501 Chelle June 23, 2011 at 4:15 pm

This is the best blog post I have EVER read. I didn’t read all of the 1053 comments, but I would imagine that most of them are 100% saying this was one of the funniest things they ever read.

I linked my own blog to this entry this afternoon because I feel like Beyonce should be shared with the whole world. I made everyone (including my husband) read it and they all loved it. I can only aspire to write so well that I make people want to keep coming back to read it over and over again and still be laughing an entire day later.

I would totally buy a 5 foot metal chicken. I need a 5 foot metal chicken and I would love it if one showed up at my door!

Chelle
http://www.lifeonthedomesticfront.blogspot.com

1502 Chelsea June 23, 2011 at 4:15 pm

I actually cried I laughed so hard. I love it!

1503 Chelle June 23, 2011 at 4:15 pm

This is the best blog post I have EVER read. I didn’t read all of the 1053 comments, but I would imagine that most of them are 100% saying this was one of the funniest things they ever read.

I linked my own blog to this entry this afternoon because I feel like Beyonce should be shared with the whole world. I made everyone (including my husband) read it and they all loved it. I can only aspire to write so well that I make people want to keep coming back to read it over and over again and still be laughing an entire day later.

I would totally buy a 5 foot metal chicken. I need a 5 foot metal chicken and I would love it if one showed up at my door!

Chelle
http://www.lifeonthedomesticfront.blogspot.com

1504 Gaston Hinostroza June 23, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Brilliant!
Where does one MEET women like this?

1505 Chelle June 23, 2011 at 4:16 pm

This is the best blog post I have EVER read. I didn’t read all of the 1053 comments, but I would imagine that most of them are 100% saying this was one of the funniest things they ever read.

I linked my own blog to this entry this afternoon because I feel like Beyonce should be shared with the whole world. I made everyone (including my husband) read it and they all loved it. I can only aspire to write so well that I make people want to keep coming back to read it over and over again and still be laughing an entire day later.

I would totally buy a 5 foot metal chicken. I need a 5 foot metal chicken and I would love it if one showed up at my door!

Chelle
http://www.lifeonthedomesticfront.blogspot.com

1506 Lyndsay June 23, 2011 at 4:18 pm

I will begin my search for a 5-foot chicken of my own.

1507 erica June 23, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Best laugh I’ve had in AGES! Thank you for this!

1508 Heather Strachan June 23, 2011 at 4:24 pm

OMG I laughed so hard!! this chicken will cut you HAHAHAH… how do I become a “friend” or whatever I have to do to get notified of new hilarious stories? This is awesome… so posting this story to my facebook :o )

1509 Lisa June 23, 2011 at 4:25 pm

OMG! The biggest laughs I have had in forever!!!
Priceless and you, blogger dear, deserve a fricken medal!
I am sooooooooo getting a big, fricken chicken next time I
want towels or, shoes or, anything that improves my quality
of life ever so slightly. I can’t wait for my next shopping trip!
I love you blog lady! And, everything that used to be freeking,
freakin’, or f@*%ing, is now and forever officially “fricken”!
Thank you for such a great , great laugh!!
Trixie, in fricken Maryland

1510 Lisa June 23, 2011 at 4:26 pm

OMG! The biggest laughs I have had in forever!!!
Priceless and you, blogger dear, deserve a fricken medal!
I am sooooooooo getting a big, fricken chicken next time I
want towels or, shoes or, anything that improves my quality
of life ever so slightly. I can’t wait for my next shopping trip!
I love you blog lady! And, everything that used to be freeking,
freakin’, or f@*%ing, is now and forever officially “fricken”!
Thank you for such a great , great laugh!!
Trixie, in fricken Maryland

1511 Jess June 23, 2011 at 4:27 pm

That chicken is a STEAL at $100! I would totally have gotten it even though then I would have had no place to put it except in the yard. But then my ridiculously clumsy dogs would have cut themselves on the chicken’s sharp pointy edges 1,000 times which would have ended up costing me a fortune in vet bills. Although I suppose the chicken could have lived in our front yard with the bird my great uncle made out of a shovel (“Yard Bird”). But then I think our HOA might fine us.

No matter how you look at it, I think that chicken would have ended up costing me more than $100.

1512 Lisa June 23, 2011 at 4:27 pm

I am reading this over and over again and I am laughing harder each time. “That chicken has a shiv.” LOL! LOVE.

1513 CHarles June 23, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Absolutley Brilliant ~

1514 saramd June 23, 2011 at 4:30 pm

I love it!

1515 Lisa June 23, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Keeps telling me this is duplicate comment but, I have not posted before!

1516 Lisa June 23, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Keebefore!

1517 Jodi June 23, 2011 at 4:39 pm

This is hilarious! Thank you for brightening my day :)

1518 Miranda June 23, 2011 at 4:39 pm

BEST. STORY. EVER and I want a chicken!

1519 muyfifi June 23, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Where did you purchase this? I desperately need this shiv-wielding chicken in my life!

1520 Ashley M June 23, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Freaking hilarious! LOL’ing at work.

1521 Nicki June 23, 2011 at 4:42 pm

You should have all your credit cards taken away and never be allowed to make another purchase again. It’s people like you that gives them the reason to keep sending this stupid shit from over seas.

1522 Ashley M June 23, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Freaking hilarious! LOL’ing at work. “It will cut you” Love it!

1523 Lisa June 23, 2011 at 4:42 pm

OMG!!! I am crying as I am laughing so had! Hilarious!

1524 Nicki June 23, 2011 at 4:43 pm

You should have all your credit cards taken away and never be allowed to make another purchase again. It’s people like you that gives them the reason to keep sending this stupid shit from over seas.

1525 Lisa June 23, 2011 at 4:43 pm

OMG!!! I am crying as I am laughing so had! Hilarious!

1526 Lody June 23, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Thanks for the good laugh! I need that chicken here.:)

1527 Gina Coomber June 23, 2011 at 4:45 pm

OMG – my 14yr old thinks I have gone round the bend. I laughed so hard I cried! Best thing I have read in a long time, best laugh I have had all day!

1528 Elle June 23, 2011 at 4:45 pm

hilarious! This is the first time i’ve read your blog and that was a very funny story. thank you for sharing.
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1529 Elle June 23, 2011 at 4:46 pm

hilarious! This is the first time i’ve read your blog and that was a very funny story. thank you for sharing.

1530 TessaLeFae June 23, 2011 at 4:50 pm

My cheeks hurt from laughing. :D

1531 Fred Miller June 23, 2011 at 4:51 pm

You don’t have a hair on your ass if you don’t name that chicken “Fred”.

1532 Jennie June 23, 2011 at 4:52 pm

This is making me die in laughter. I’m silently crying. At work. While I should be working. Thank you for this.

1533 karen June 23, 2011 at 4:54 pm

LOVE. IT. dot COM!!! Can’t stop laughing! I want that chicken!!

1534 Rachel June 23, 2011 at 4:56 pm

That. Is. Hilarious.
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1535 Irene Peterson June 23, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Brava!

1536 Cracking up in Arizona June 23, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Thank you! I wish you were my friend, we TOTALLY have the same sense of humor. Give me your address, I’ll send you a towel. Or maybe another chicken. LMFAO

1537 CampAunt June 23, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Have been sharing this with girlfriends and they are pissing themselves with laughter. Got my husband to read it and surprise apparently I’ve married Victor. Not even a smirk. just an eye roll and a unhunh. But I know he’s nervous – cause it’s the sort of thing I’d do and our 15th anniversary is just ’round the corner.

1538 Wzzy June 23, 2011 at 5:07 pm

I heart you. And him. Beyoncé, that is.
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1539 Big V June 23, 2011 at 5:09 pm

In all seriousness, my husband bought me this same chicken for Christmas… and nothing else. Really – nothing else – just a metal chicken. And it wasn’t even 5′ tall. Only 1′. I mean if you’re going to buy your wife a scrap metal cock for Christmas at least make it a big one.

1540 Kathleen Kaufman June 23, 2011 at 5:12 pm

I, for one, think Victor will eventually learn to love Beyonce and you did exactly the right thing by carefully positioning her in his view. Soon, Victor will go back to the store and buy Beyonce a sister, or brother…. You might end up with a whole chicken family in your backyard.

1541 Jessica June 23, 2011 at 5:24 pm

That is AWESOME! It’s so something me and my friend Chrissy would do. I laughed so hard at this I cried.

1542 Lindsay June 23, 2011 at 5:25 pm

I. Can’t. Stop. Laughing.

This was pure wifery genius. You are what I hope to be as a wife.
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1543 Hannah Draga June 23, 2011 at 5:32 pm

I JUST has the “we need to buy towels/we don’t any more damn towels” argument with the hubby. I bought the towels. I wish I’d bought a giant metal chicken.

1544 Marty June 23, 2011 at 5:33 pm

This is exactly the kind of thing that I would do to my husband (or anyone unpleasant who thinks they are in charge)

1545 Jayne Warren June 23, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Hilarious! I had a tiny metal dog named Spike with tiny testicles, but alas he was stolen :( I think a 5 foot chicken would be much more secure from neighborhood hooligans.

1546 Tracy June 23, 2011 at 5:46 pm

I want to divorce my husband and marry this post.

1547 Taryn June 23, 2011 at 5:51 pm

OMgosh that just made this single girl LMBO!! SWEEEEEEET!

1548 Wendy June 23, 2011 at 5:55 pm

you are awesome

1549 Nicole June 23, 2011 at 6:04 pm

mlaiuppa (#891) all 5-foot cocks have that problem. :-)

My husband and I have been saying “knock knock” all day, have to leave off the last bit since the kids are in earshot, but we both giggle nonetheless.

I am SOOO buying the next chicken I see!
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1550 Melissa June 23, 2011 at 6:04 pm

That is awesome! I just showed this to my best girlfriend and we laughed until we cried. The best part is that we could have a shopping trip exactly like this one. And we sort of did, only it was the pink yard flamingoes. :)

1551 Mindy June 23, 2011 at 6:09 pm

This post made me so damn happy.

1552 Andrea Randall June 23, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Someone posted this on their facebook page. I haven’t ever read this blog before but am now thrilled to have it in my life! I laughed out loud more than I’ve ever laughed out loud at printed text. I shared it on my wall and everyone is dying. I had my husband read it. He shook his head and said “that’d be something YOU’D do.”
win.

1553 Ian June 23, 2011 at 6:09 pm

I only hope Victor is adult enough not to reciprocate the same childishness when you tell him he can’t buy something he needs or wants.

1554 Liz June 23, 2011 at 6:17 pm

OMG! This was the most hilarious blog post I’ve ever read in my life! I was literally laughing out loud and now I want a big metal chicken for when my husband and I have a disagreement. I tried to relate this epic blog post to my husband but he didn’t see the humour in it. Meanwhile I keel over laughing every time I think of it! LOL I’ve now saved your blog as one of my homepage tabs LOL

1555 amanda June 23, 2011 at 6:26 pm

I’m disappointed I haven’t found your blog sooner. A woman after my own heart, I would do the same, and my husband would act exactly like Victor! lol. Thanks for making me realize we’re not the only married couple that acts this way!

1556 Judy June 23, 2011 at 6:35 pm

Reading this was the highlight for my day!! Thank you

1557 Theresa June 23, 2011 at 6:41 pm

Thanks for the laugh, I even cried. One of my yoga moms posted your link on her facebook. I am not a blog reader but after reading this, you are now on my favorites tab. You are a girl after my own heart.

Looking forward to your future posts!

1558 Jackie June 23, 2011 at 6:50 pm

All I want to know is how did you not pee your pants laughing getting it set up at the door??? Totally hilarious!!! I SO needed to see this today!

1559 Jill R June 23, 2011 at 6:55 pm

That was a great story, never read your blog before. Lot’s of laughs, but isn’t that a rooster? I will be back for more laughs…..and at this point could use one of my own.

1560 Austin June 23, 2011 at 7:09 pm

Maybe the wife should get a job so she can buy whatever she wants without any drama. This isn’t even funny. It’s actually pretty sad that a married woman would waste her husbands hard earned money during these tough economic times.

1561 Karen June 23, 2011 at 7:17 pm

OMG, that is the most fucking brilliant thing I have read in a long time. MWA HA HA HA HA!

I have four years to find a metal chicken for my 15th anniversary.

1562 cathy June 23, 2011 at 7:21 pm

I so need that laugh today. Thanks. Maybe I should show this to my husband and he will relent and get me start putting gnomes in the backyard. OR I am going to find a giant chicken. Maybe I will buy the chicken to guard the gnomes.

1563 Mark June 23, 2011 at 7:28 pm

I just have to thank you for making my wife’s attempts to drive me crazy seem so ineffective. Well, they’re NOT ineffective, but they are at least amateurish by comparison. I love her. I think that’s the problem. Must be Victor’s prolem.

1564 Leigh Ann Wilson (@SurvivingFive) June 23, 2011 at 7:33 pm

Don’t worry, Victor will get over it, it was just a case of cock envy

1565 Shannon June 23, 2011 at 7:39 pm

Firstly, this is superb – Thank you!

Second, when I saw the “Knock knock Motherfucker” I immediately thought perhaps it was a ‘Thankskilling’ reference, but in further reading decided that MF was commonplace… (it is a great word).

Anyhoo – I’m pretty certain that with one-thousand-and-who-the-fuck-can-count comments, you may never read this.. However, if you have any predilection for awful ‘B’ horror films – “Thankskilling” is about as campy as they come. (And they know it, no one actually tries to act in this movie) It’s about a foul mouthed puppet turkey that kills a bunch of college students on Thanksgiving break. His catchphrase: “Gobble Gobble Motherfucker!”

So, perhaps if you are looking for inane shit to do during an insomnia stricken night – you can check it on Netflix or YouTube. It’s quite terrible.

Again, thank you. This story (and the rest of your blog) is phenomenal and has made all our days’…

1566 Cristy June 23, 2011 at 7:40 pm

You totally made the right call in buying the chicken…I once passed up the opportunity to buy a weird cinchy hooded running shirt and claw hand gloves (there were 2 large fingers instead of the traditional 5) that, combined, would have made a perfect scary monster outfit, and I’ve been kicking myself since.
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1567 Bethany Balsis June 23, 2011 at 7:42 pm

That is freakin awesome. I just read this to my husband and he is dying laughing!

1568 Eva June 23, 2011 at 7:49 pm

This was the funniest thing I’ve seen in months. I am still laughing! Thanks!

1569 Stephanie June 23, 2011 at 7:50 pm

We recently drove by a home and garden store, and I can’t tell you how tickled I was with the 6-ft.-long 3-ft.-tall concrete pig they had fetchingly displayed at the entrance. But now that I understand the pig’s real value, and what it can bring to my marriage, I’m beyond excited! Please, please, please–could I name it Beyonce as a tribute to you???

1570 Jennifer B June 23, 2011 at 7:55 pm

The caption could have been slightly improved if it had been “knock knock motherclucker”

1571 Kate B June 23, 2011 at 7:56 pm
1572 Jodi C June 23, 2011 at 8:00 pm

Thank you for sharing this. I’ve had a rough couple of weeks and this has brightened my day as much as that Chicken brightened yours.

1573 K.smith June 23, 2011 at 8:03 pm

this is hysterical!

1574 Momma Rita June 23, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Just about tee-teed myself on this one. This would be something my best friend and I would do. Beyonce’ looks like the old Kellogg’s rooster.

1575 offpump June 23, 2011 at 8:09 pm

You are my hero!!

1576 PatHaugen June 23, 2011 at 8:11 pm

This is one of the greatest stories I’ve ever read.

..and I’ve read many.

1577 lo June 23, 2011 at 8:16 pm

stop saying “and I was all…” “and she was all…” you sound like a stupid 11 year old.

1578 marcus June 23, 2011 at 8:20 pm

It’s a shame that so many commentors are encouraging you and laughing because they think you sure got him good. IT takes away from the fact that you used financial irresponsibility to antagonize the situation from bad to worse. If this is the sort of disregard you show him all the time, your poor husband…

1579 suz June 23, 2011 at 8:21 pm

seriously brilliant. had the ‘no sound coming out but tears running down my face from laughing so hard i couldn’t breathe’ thing goin on… totally brilliant and i want you for my new best friend. but not in a weird stalker way of course.

1580 Abfab June 23, 2011 at 8:25 pm

That was TOTALLY funny! I laughed til I cried!
Thank you thank you thank you!

1581 Bill June 23, 2011 at 8:26 pm

Tell Victor I’m ready whenever he wants to get drunk and talk about hens.

(Although I am LMFAOROFL)

1582 Josephine June 23, 2011 at 8:30 pm

I want your life. This is the best thing ever!

1583 Bonnie June 23, 2011 at 8:32 pm

Love Chickens…Love you! You had me at Knock Knock Motherfucker…and now I am yours forever! Where the hell is that “follow” button. Oh and Im posting this to my fb….Pure Genius

1584 Holly S June 23, 2011 at 8:33 pm

Brilliant! THANK YOU for blogging!
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1585 Tia June 23, 2011 at 8:35 pm

This is HILARIOUS!!!!!

1586 mick June 23, 2011 at 8:37 pm

This was so freakin funny, it made me laugh out loud all alone!!!!!!!!

1587 Amy June 23, 2011 at 8:40 pm

Best laugh of the day, I love you and I really want that chicken! Where can I get one?!!

1588 Laura June 23, 2011 at 8:41 pm

OK – I don’t know you, have never read your blog, and I am so happy my friend forwarded me this post because Oh Good Golly this is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. Well played.

1589 MentalErrorist June 23, 2011 at 8:41 pm

This is hysterical! You’re a fantastic writer. It’s my first time visiting your blog, but you’re my new favourite. I’m off to read everything you’ve ever written now… :D
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1590 Jeepwillykers June 23, 2011 at 8:48 pm

I was reading this in the library because a friend had posted the link on Facebook. I snorted out loud and was in tears when my kids found me. My daughter read out loud to us in the car on our way to eat dinner and I laughed again. Great story!

1591 Fire Wife Katie June 23, 2011 at 8:53 pm

Lol! See? This is why women shop together. So we can talk each other into buying 5 foot tall whimsy revenge chickens. :D

1592 Caroline June 23, 2011 at 8:55 pm

This chicken needs to do a round the world trip, documented in photographs.
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1593 melysa June 23, 2011 at 8:56 pm

does the chicken come with batteries? wouldn’t need the hubby then :)

1594 Mallory June 23, 2011 at 9:00 pm

This is hilarious. thank you very much for sharing this story. Not only should everyone have a 5 foot revenge chicken, but it reminded me very forcefully and pleasantly of my late mother and her best friend. thank you for a great laugh at the end of the day.

1595 Heather June 23, 2011 at 9:04 pm

I cannot stop laughing!!!!!

1596 Kathryn June 23, 2011 at 9:08 pm

Inspirational!!!
Oh how I WISH I had done this to my ex-husband back when we were married!
An absolute riot!
LOVE IT!!!!

1597 Nagagator June 23, 2011 at 9:10 pm

Love it! You are after a person after my heart. I did the same thing with a Flamingo one year for our anniversary. He pitched a fit, so being much smaller than your “Cock”, I planted it in the dirt with a potted plant in our main bathroom. He never went in there again. LOL

1598 Amy June 23, 2011 at 9:33 pm

I loved this! I can totally see myself & my best friend doing the exact same thing – except we would probably be the drunk ones that bought the first one. ;-)
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1599 Resa June 23, 2011 at 9:39 pm

I am laughing so loud, my DD just came and shut the door between the living room and my office. SO FUNNY!!
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1600 Anna June 23, 2011 at 9:40 pm

LOVE it!!!! I would so do that if I found a 5′ chicken..actually I bought a 3.5′ tall concrete cow from my neighbors and then made hubby roll it home on a dolly…all 800 (or so) pounds of it…down the road from next door….and all because he told me I couldn’t spend any money and he was too chicken to request a refund from the neighbor and too cheap to just eat the money

1601 Daisy Dexter Dobbs June 23, 2011 at 9:43 pm

First time visitor…but certainly won’t be the last time! Loved this, love your sense of humor. :D Just followed you on Twitter too. Thanks for the giggles!
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1602 Heidi June 23, 2011 at 9:52 pm

Oh my goodness…I can’t stop laughing. My husband and children are sound asleep and the house is filled with my laughter. I am cracking up as I type this. Time to share this with my friends on FB. Thanks for this AWESOME post … sounds like something my husband and his coworkers do … I woke up to a giant freaking paper mache acorn one time. It was was as tall as my dining room table. Then my husband comes home with the worlds biggest stuffed animal tied to his bumper … not realizing it until hours after he is home. HA HA HA HA I love this kind of stuff. Thanks for posting!!!!!

1603 Padhopper June 23, 2011 at 10:08 pm

I never laughed so much, reading a blog post, in my life. LMFAO!!

1604 Laurie June 23, 2011 at 10:11 pm

Hi, a friend of mine sent me your link for this blog and made my whole day. I laughed so hard and then I read it to my mom who does not particularly like the F word and she laughed so hard. I would love to share your link on my facebook page so my friends and family there can enjoy this as well. I would use your direct link so people would come to your site to read it. I wanted to get your permission first.
I imagine I’ll be up late tonight reading more of your blog. Very enjoyable and thanks for sharing and giving us all a good laugh.
Laurie

1605 Cynthia June 23, 2011 at 10:11 pm

Gosh, I just celebrated my 15th anniversary yesterday. Too bad they weren’t selling them in Canada.
We should send the chicken around the world for a week long visit at each stop and sticker it each time. Then what would the UPS guy say?

1606 ChristineMarie June 23, 2011 at 10:12 pm

I am crying and snorting so hard I can barely breathe, barely read the second half of the post and I think I relocated my floating rib.

Best. Post. EVAR!!!!

I love Beyonce!!
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1607 Eva Mayfield June 23, 2011 at 10:12 pm

This is seriously awesome! I don’t know if you have ever read cracked.com articles, but this is right up their alley! I laughed soooo hard! I need a Beyonce for myself…. Or my big 15! :)

1608 Simone June 23, 2011 at 10:13 pm

That is freaking hilarious! Haven’t laughed so much in ages…

1609 Wendy June 23, 2011 at 10:13 pm

OMG Eric I Already almost peed my pants reading the blog,then to read your post,I had to run to the bathroom HA HA.This is the best blog ever.

1610 Victor June 23, 2011 at 10:15 pm

Really? My name is Victor. I like to roast free range chickens! Hah!
And I’ve been married for over 30 years – though to three different women.

1611 Corey Q June 23, 2011 at 10:34 pm

Thank you for providing me with ammunition every time my boyfriend says “Well, the towels/pillows/sheets/cutlery/etc. we have now are ‘perfectly good.’” He even read this post and laughed, knowing full well he could be a ‘Victor’ as early as tomorrow.

Now, all I have to do is say, sternly, “FIVE FOOT CHICKEN,” and I will have no guilt about buying something to replace (or add to) something that is ‘perfectly good,’ but not as cool as new stuff in a store.

Also, it appears this post has gone viral. Congrats. Because this is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time.

1612 pnems June 23, 2011 at 10:35 pm

I READ THIS TO MY HUSBAND ONLY TO GET A BLANK STARE BACK (like i was discussing the concept of indoor plumbing)…..NOW’S THAT FOR IRONY METAL CHICKENS FOR EVERYONE!!!

1613 Niki June 23, 2011 at 10:38 pm

Thank You!!! This is the first blog I’ve ever read – don’t think I’ll ever read another one! No way to top this! My exact words to my husband when he told me 7 months ago he was moving out Because of a bunch of petty little shit – pick your battles! Where or where can I get one of these chickens? I can’t tell you the last time I actually laughed out loud! I SO needed it! :)

1614 Sara June 23, 2011 at 10:43 pm

Hey! Now you can ask people if they want to see Victor’s Giant Cock when they come over…. DO IT! DO IT NOW!

1615 Annie June 23, 2011 at 10:47 pm

I adored your story and could picture myself being you in that store. I have always wanted to own a giant something. That chicken is a very original design and you could have very well made him famous by now. I think since he had a tag around his neck that said “Clearance”, you should have named him “Clarence”, but that is just my opinion.
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1616 brittanie June 23, 2011 at 10:47 pm

this is HILARIOUS. Love it!

1617 MaGoo June 23, 2011 at 10:48 pm

What a dipshit. You intentionally wasted $100, and purposefully disrespected, insulted, and pissed off your husband in the name of a cheap laugh for you and your friend?
Fuck lady, you’re a bitch.

1618 Amy June 23, 2011 at 11:06 pm

OMG! This is the most hysterical thing I have read in forever! Thank you for the best laugh I have had in so long and I laugh alot!

1619 Chicken Lover Delightful Friend Amazing Run June 23, 2011 at 11:09 pm

You are the reason some husbands beat their wives

1620 Tracy @ Ascending Butterfly June 23, 2011 at 11:17 pm

Evil genius! I have never been married, but if I ever get married, please send me that metal chicken!
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1621 MyDatingRx June 23, 2011 at 11:20 pm

OMG, I just found myself in the middle of a huge battle (not of my making , I swear) and I finally had to pull the plug. Your post came at precisely the right time. I SO want a metal chicken!
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1622 needlewings June 23, 2011 at 11:23 pm

OMG too funny! So now I know the answer to why did the chicken cross the road, (so she didn’t have to buy towels!) lol So what are you having for anniversary dinner? Chicken? Or are you eating crow!
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1623 The Mocking Bird June 23, 2011 at 11:30 pm

Goddamned. Fucking. Psychotic. Bitch.

Hope Victor dumps your ass for something better.

1624 Teresa Lynn June 23, 2011 at 11:32 pm

That is a slice of Awesome Pie right there!! Happy Anniversary. :-)
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1625 rachel June 23, 2011 at 11:32 pm

I loved that blog entry! I was totally laughing out loud so many times! Thanks for that!

1626 kerri June 23, 2011 at 11:35 pm

HAHAHA I love it! I told my husband to come read it, and all he said was “i can’t believe she spent $100 on a chicken!” Men just don’t get it.

1627 Dread Pirate Robert June 23, 2011 at 11:44 pm

1. This blog is your gainful employment/place of business/job.
2. Beyonce was necessary for the production of this work.
3. YOU CAN WRITE OFF THE PURCHASE ON YOUR TAXES AND SHOW VICTOR.

Happy Anniversary, this was a wonderful story. I died laughing.
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1628 shortsale222 June 23, 2011 at 11:45 pm

seriously brilliant. had the ‘no sound coming out but tears running down my face from laughing so hard i couldn’t breathe’ thing goin on… totally brilliant and i want you for my new best friend. but not in a weird stalker way of course.
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1629 The Redneck Princess June 23, 2011 at 11:51 pm

Seriously…I have not laughed that hard in forever, you are hilarious…and that was the best chicken story ever.

1630 Shealyn June 23, 2011 at 11:58 pm

I laughed, I cried and laughed again. This is great… You have to appreciate Victor – If I had brought this home to my husband he would’ve appreciated the wackiness of it all and it would not’ve been near as funny as Victor’s reaction! I say you go with your idea for cheering your friends up… who could possibly be down with a 5′ chicken standing at their front door?

1631 TruXter June 24, 2011 at 12:03 am

Brilliant chicken. Why get even with someone you love though?
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1632 Kathleen Evergreen June 24, 2011 at 12:12 am

I laughed so hard I cried. Thank you.

1633 JennTheGamerMom June 24, 2011 at 12:30 am

I have just laughed myself into an asthma attack
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1634 Susan Fowler June 24, 2011 at 12:37 am

My dad has had one of those for years! My mom actually bought it for him– this one person in town has decided to sell stuff like this out of their front yard & my dad drove by it every day wanting it. He finally stopped & asked how much and it was like $600! He decided that that was just too much, even though he was in love with it. It’s that same strange infatuation you suddenly get with NEEDING that chicken in your life! A few months later it was still there and my mom bought it for his birthday or something for a ‘deal’ at around $200 because he’d been talking about that stupid chicken for the better part of a year!
FYI- he has it anchored to the ground with some rebar I believe. Even then, it has fallen & the poor tail isn’t doing so well anymore.

1635 June June 24, 2011 at 12:43 am

treat a marriage as a contest, or battle, and you treat it with disrespect. i dont meant you dont have to have humour, but I fail to find why so many think it’s great to piss off their spouse… or waste money. Maybe see someone about the shop-a-holic issues. hubby and I are at 8 years marriage, and I’ve bought him some funny gifts over the years, but the day i spend 100$ on something so wasteful, is the day I give up my right to be a parent.

1636 Natasha June 24, 2011 at 12:47 am

Haven’t laughed that much in a while. Thank you!!!

1637 Kathy Sena - BadBallet.com June 24, 2011 at 12:53 am

Oh, jeez, I was already spraying Diet Coke onto the screen from reading this, but the picture of that chicken at the front door put me over the top. What a hoot.
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1638 Hear Mum Roar June 24, 2011 at 1:10 am

It’s a lucky lady who finds herself with a cock big enough to hang a towel on.

1639 akwife June 24, 2011 at 1:14 am

Absolutely funny! Read for the first time the other day & sent to my husband. His reply “Yeah, it was funny.” I did not read “Revenge Purchase” in your story. Simply, a series of circumstances. You two had an argument. You went shopping and found an awesome lawn ornament. The conversations that ensued were part of your normal relationship. I plan to read your earlier posts and become a follower. Thanks for the wonderful humor.

1640 Cuz June 24, 2011 at 1:20 am

The chicken, in of itself, is hilarious. The things you did with the chicken (putting him at the front door for the UPS guy) is funny too.

Whether $100 is a lot of money to you, or closer to what $5 is for most of us is rather moot. If it’s your money you get to spend it your way, if it’s someone else’s money you don’t touch it. If you’re spending money just to piss someone off, even if it’s your money, is not classy.

This post would’ve had me laughing my head off, (seriously, giant chicken = awesome) if it hadn’t been about pissing off someone you love dearly for fun. Gotta admit, I don’t see anything funny about that.

Meh, back to the internets.

1641 Merrill June 24, 2011 at 1:33 am

I love this story, and laughed out loud. But I have some empathy for Victor. In his shoes I can see myself getting a bat or a sledgehammer and beating the living shit out of the chicken right there on the front steps, leaving it in large but separate and heavily dented parts all across the lawn. Is that wrong? Maybe an alternate ending to the story?

1642 Affamato June 24, 2011 at 1:40 am

Wow! June lives in a satire and irony free world.

1643 Babs June 24, 2011 at 1:55 am

Absolutely priceless – thank you so much. Do you think they ship to the UK? Perhaps every woman needs a giant chicken with which to assert their right to buy whatever the heck they like!
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1644 Jackie June 24, 2011 at 2:02 am

That story was hilarious!! I wish I had a 5 foot metal chicken. LOL

1645 Isabeau June 24, 2011 at 2:13 am

OMG FRICKN hilarious!!! I laughed out loud this rocks! plus i think beyonce is groovy!!

1646 Stefani June 24, 2011 at 2:21 am

This was the best laugh I have had in a while.

Thanks for posting, you definitely made my day after my husband made me mad today! What a great way to end the night. If only he knew what I was laughing at.

1647 Peggy June 24, 2011 at 2:25 am

HEARTFULLLL, so thank you. 10:00p.m the 23rd after a unpleasant encounter I Facebooked and clicked on a post and read “Pick Your Battles”. After a damp, no wet chair, tears, lol alot,etc I read over 500 comments and agreed with the majority, so I felt well represented no need now to comment…. 34th anniversary and counting, I want to make 50th, 75th, …health willing. I envy your job, making people laugh. How to put a value on laughter, to be able to smile and see the simple, live-love-learn-laugh, four “l” that are priceless and free. I often fear the absents of these four “l” words. I salute you, bravo, and thanks for reminding me to laugh at just the right time. My husband knows he takes himself to seriously but in this cause it did not hurt him to be reminded. His simple comment was, “cute”.

1648 Elisa June 24, 2011 at 2:28 am

Damn. This makes my anniversary gift to my husband look lame. Do they ship these chickens to Switzerland? Not that we don’t have any chickens here, but none that big or that awesome. Ha! Insert inappropriate cock joke right there ;-)
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1649 A guy June 24, 2011 at 2:42 am

Ha ha, and the next aniversary, when the guy asks for you help to get the dead hookers out of the hotel swimming pool, I’m sure you’ll be all “OK Honey. I got you the chicken last year, so this year it’s my turn to fix things.”

1650 JJ June 24, 2011 at 2:43 am

HOLY. CRAP. right, now I get that ‘goes viral’ tweet. Someone pinned the photo of the chicken at the front door on Pinterest and though to myself, ‘that looks like something The Bloggess would do’ (seriously, not even blowing sunshine on this one) so imagine my non-surprise when I clicked through. I’m sure I’m not the first one to come up with this, but haven’t read all 1200 comments that came before … Won’t the chicken just pay for him/herself like James Garfield did when you put it on your Christmas cards for this year? How did Victor not think that one up himself? I guess that would be admitting defeat though. Love it.
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1651 Anna June 24, 2011 at 2:46 am

Man! Assure me that Victor isn’t as much of a kinda jerk as he seems to be in this post!

(My husband gave me a concrete laughing pig for our first Christmas together: we’re STILL howling about it… totally ridiculous!)

1652 I don't get it June 24, 2011 at 3:19 am

Does no one who reads this blog ever get out? Or indeed associate with other humans. This kind of story is what happens when you leave the house. Nothing fancy. Go. Now. Leave and live.

1653 wolfgang June 24, 2011 at 3:20 am

Funny little story and it really is funny.
But now imagine the exact same story with the roles reversed, the girl working in the home office and her hubby going out to buy the metal chicken with his friend.
Would it still be funny or would we all think he is just an a** ?

1654 Jill June 24, 2011 at 3:29 am

Great post. Love your sense of humor. Please consider putting Beyoncé on promotional items.

For those that complain about spending money and Jenny’s lack of fiscal responsibility – I work retail. It’s people’s “sense of whimsy” like this that keep us employed. Not everything in life is or has to be serious, and yes, there are some people who have been surviving this recession without losing all of their spending money. I appreciate people like her who help keep the economy going during this downturn.

Oh, and for those concerned with Beyoncé’s gender – they’re all chickens. Male chickens are roosters/cocks and females are hens.

1655 Ryan C. Robert June 24, 2011 at 3:44 am

I really just don’t know what’s funnier. The blog post itself, or the angry comments about it where people are telling you you need to obey Victor.
Honestly do they know NOTHING about him? After all, this is the same guy who said that buying James Garfield was a bad idea. And James Garfield ended up SAVING CHRISTMAS. So really, these people have no idea what they’re talking about. I’m also 90% sure that Beyoncé will ALSO end up saving Christmas, or maybe Hanukkah. Or labor day. One of those.

1656 Chanelle Bevilacqua June 24, 2011 at 3:52 am

OK, That made me laugh out loud this morning!!
I needed that, hilarious!
c

1657 Kim June 24, 2011 at 4:07 am

Being wasteful in order to be mean, and then bragging about it. Just what this world needs more of.

1658 In Awe June 24, 2011 at 4:31 am

BEST BLOG POST, EVER!!!
(and I mean out of all the blogs, and all the posts ever)

awesomely funny shit! Thank you…

1659 Steve June 24, 2011 at 4:41 am

OMG… that is hilariously funny. Great way to start my day!!

1660 Audrey Brown June 24, 2011 at 4:42 am

I freakin love that chicken story!!! That sounds so much like something that I would do and my Husband would totally have acted just like Victor. LOVE IT!!!

1661 Tanya Cyr June 24, 2011 at 4:46 am

This is by far the funniest thing I have EVER read in all my life. When it got to the part about the UPS guy I had to stop I was laughing so hard. BEST EVER!!

1662 Nancy June 24, 2011 at 4:54 am

so totally forcing my husband to read this so that i can get us the 55euro towels i’ve had my eye on…so much better than a chicken!
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1663 TAZbabe June 24, 2011 at 5:18 am

HAHAHAHAHAHA This is definitely the funniest thing I have read this week, this month, and hell …probably this year! I was linked by one of my cousins on Facebook and I will definitely be following it now. Love your style and sense of humor …it is a perfect fit for me and just how things play out in my head. I could totally see my husband and I having a similar conversation/argument/giant chicken adventure! Awesome, just awesome!

And, because I’m assuming most of the people who follow this blog are women, most won’t get the reference …but her writing style is very Skatergome-esque! (Castersrealm/EverQuest 1 – Circa 2001)

Keep being awesome!
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1664 diane June 24, 2011 at 5:21 am

OMG this is SO funny. and i LOVE the chicken too. i would have totally bought it at that price. my kind of thing…great anniversary gift.

1665 Moon June 24, 2011 at 5:22 am

I looooove this story….only because I loooove that chicken! Obviously Victor needs to lighten up just a bit. Thanx for starting my morning off on a good note.

1666 Beth June 24, 2011 at 5:31 am

one of the funniest stories I’ve read in a long time! what a hoot! An excellent lesson in picking your battles.

ps
I think you should go get some towels now!

1667 Beth June 24, 2011 at 5:42 am

what a hoot! A great lesson in picking your battles. I can’t stop laughing, it’s a good thing i didn’t have coffee in my mouth when I started reading or I’d be desparately trying to save my laptop.
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1668 b June 24, 2011 at 5:46 am

jeeeez, that is hilarious!!!! Here is a thought for you…… move the rocks from said chicken’s feet, and move that huge sucker (chicken) every day or so to a new location. Say…. mmmm, beside his office chair, or maybe in the driver’s seat in the car or how about inside a walkin closet? Scare the crap outta him, i promise you will not be able to keep a straight face for weeks……..

1669 b June 24, 2011 at 5:51 am

jeeeez, that is hilarious!!!! Here is a thought for you…… move the rocks from said chicken’s feet, and move that huge sucker (chicken) every day or so to a new location. Say…. mmmm, beside his office chair, or maybe in the driver’s seat in the car or how about inside a walkin closet? Scare the crap outta him, i promise you will not be able to keep a straight face for weeks……..

btw, thanks for my morning giggle!

1670 Cathie June 24, 2011 at 5:59 am

Oh, this post made my day. I laughed so hard. Thank you. I’ll have to read more of your blog.

1671 Jody June 24, 2011 at 6:03 am

I agree with Cathie. This is really funny.
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1672 Cathie June 24, 2011 at 6:12 am

I laughed so hard. This post really made my day. Thank you.

1673 Jill C June 24, 2011 at 6:15 am

1. Roosters don’t have penises. Which is ironic, all things considered.
2. There is a Phallogical Museum in Iceland. I have just been thinking of going on a trip there with my husband, and if we actually get to go, I assure you, I will INSIST that this museum is where I must go.
3. Though roosters don’t have penises (don’t ask me how they get the job done), ducks and geese have corkscrew-shaped penises.

That is all.

1674 John Glass June 24, 2011 at 6:23 am

Totally amazing. (1) your chicken, (2) your writing style.

I would love to have the chicken for my Man Cave but I’m afraid I wouldn’t have room due to the 5ft Barbarian Sword and matching Shield, but I would consider trading. Victor may like those.

Would like to offer you a Honorary Membership in our Writers Group. Its Aliante Writers Group, just google it. we have a few long distance members. Again, writing well Done.

1675 Stephanie McGregor June 24, 2011 at 6:31 am

June #1224
I am pretty sure you gave up your right to be a parent as soon as you just judged this situation. One most important thing a parent teaches their children is to NOT judge or assume you know the whole story when you just have a snippet. Teach your children to be gracious and kind and NON judgemental and you will have added a great contribution to society. Again I must say your parent card should be pulled already. My seven year old daughter was told by a classmate that she had $1000 dollars and my daughter asked me if I thought she was telling the truth and my answer was wow how wonderful that she has $1000 I hope she is able to something wonderful for others with it and enjoy it herself too, do ya get it, she was LYING her ass off and trying to brag but now my child learned to not judge the statement or child but to think the best and feel happy for her regardless.

1676 Wombat Central June 24, 2011 at 6:41 am

Giddy with excitement that next year is our 15th anniversary, and I can go get my husband a giant chicken. Damn, I love you lady. And not in some weird stalkerish way. Just in a “you have no idea who I am, but I totally want to hang with you and your chicken” kind of way.
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1677 B Irwin June 24, 2011 at 6:46 am

I need you for a neighbor! I immediately shared this with the special man in my life because any man who can do an imitation of drowning ants doing the backstroke to cheer me up will totally “get” giant metal chickens. Which is why I love him.

Subscribing to your blog IMMEDIATELY. We are sooo sisters of the heart. Right down to my fuschia and neon green beach towels!
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1678 Anna banana June 24, 2011 at 6:54 am

Seriously, this is almost as good as my husband buying me a giant TEAPOT with a CHICKEN on it!!

1679 Jennifer June 24, 2011 at 7:01 am

You have made my day! I’m STILL laughing an hour later. You and I would get along SWIMMINGLY – matter of fact, I feel like we could’ve been seperated at birth!

1680 Jess June 24, 2011 at 7:01 am

That’s nothing short of a big bucket of awesome-sauce.

If Beyonce ever needs a place to stay, send her this way.

Or perhaps a big metal chicken world tour should be in order… Could be in the Guiness Book of World Records for most traveled big metal chicken.
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1681 Kristen June 24, 2011 at 7:09 am

you are a genius and i will now forever read your blog. this story is killing me and i want to buy a similar chicken for my office.

where pray tell did you find your amazing cock?

kristen

1682 lauren June 24, 2011 at 7:10 am

“15 IS GIANT METAL CHICKENS” – perfect.
Awesome post. I’ll be back.

1683 Nicole June 24, 2011 at 7:12 am

You have no idea how much I needed this laugh today. Even though you didn’t leave it at my door, your chicken cheered me up on a week that has been otherwise sucky. Feel free to tell your husband that your chicken has been fulfilling its philanthropic duty by bringing joy to the sick and weary (me).
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1684 Ann Laperouse June 24, 2011 at 7:13 am

I feel your pain. All of my children said the only difference to this story is that I would have tried to buy one for everybody. I love monkeys. My husband said for every monkey that comes in, one must go out. Sorry, not happening.

1685 colleen June 24, 2011 at 7:23 am

I think that this is absolutely priceless! Honest to God…reading people’s responses has me laughing all over again. Thanks for making my day! Happy Anniversary!!!

1686 Mare June 24, 2011 at 7:25 am

I once bought a 5ft pink flamingo in Curacao and almost had to buy it a seat on the plane to get it home..finally got a suitcase and checked it as luggage..still have it and my husband has grown to..well not quite love it..but he can laugh about it

1687 cédric June 24, 2011 at 7:33 am

shannah, you are creasy…lol made me laugh my ass off thow. :)

1688 Melissa June 24, 2011 at 7:35 am

Thanks so much for this. You Rock!!! You also have a really great friend; don’t lose each other.

1689 MurphyGirl June 24, 2011 at 7:37 am

Tears coming down hiilarious…my hubby thought I was crazy I was laughing so hard and so I made him read it and then HE started crying laughing. “This chicken will CUT you!”…makes me laugh every time I think it! Brilliant woman…brilliant!

1690 Jon June 24, 2011 at 7:38 am

I really need someone to shop for towels for me. Mine are looking a bit shabby but its not a priority, I think that’s just how us guys are. Vic should be happy you take care of this kind of stuff. Now if I can find a big metal chicken that might be a priority.

1691 christy aka Imfreckles June 24, 2011 at 7:41 am

Gold is right. This is hilarious. Thanks it made me smile
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1692 Michelle Tanner June 24, 2011 at 7:47 am

Funniest things I’ve ever read! I’m in stitches over here!

1693 Morgan June 24, 2011 at 7:47 am

Oh my gosh I laughed til I cried. This story sure made my day and some of the comments made me laugh even harder. Thanks for the boost.

Morgan

1694 Melanie June 24, 2011 at 7:53 am

LMBO! You have made me start my morning off right: by laughing hysterically. Oh my how I must send this to everyone immediately. Thank you for making me laugh. Brilliant writing!
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1695 KateC June 24, 2011 at 7:55 am

I loved this too much for words! The first time I read it, the tears were just streaming down my face. The second and third time, I contained my emotions, but hardly managed to keep myself in my chair. Thank you thank you thank you! Must feel good to bring so much joy to the world! :)

As for the (few) haters… I have no idea how you could read this and not find it funny. Good grief. I’d love nothing more than to end a petty argument with my husband in this much laughter! I think you guys are to be envied in your marriage! Happy 15th!
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1696 sarah m. June 24, 2011 at 8:04 am

I’m having a crappy week & never would’ve thought it would be a 5′ tall chicken to snap me out of it! Thanks to you & Beyonce for the laughs!

1697 Julie June 24, 2011 at 8:06 am

I just read this for the second time, and once again laughed until I had tears in my eyes. I started giggling at “PERSPECTIVE” and by the time I got to “Knock, knock, motherfucker,” I nearly spit out my coffee. This is amazing.
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1698 Morgan June 24, 2011 at 8:09 am

This link was passed on to me by a friend and I think I just peed on myself! Thanks to you, now I need new pants AND a giant metal chicken!
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1699 Lauri June 24, 2011 at 8:09 am

This relationship is like living at my house. However, my theory is “dont get mad, get even”. I wonder if thats bad between a husband and wife?

1700 sarah June 24, 2011 at 8:12 am

Thank you I so needed this laugh
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1701 Linda June 24, 2011 at 8:14 am

God I love those chickens! – I bought 2 last month and I’m having them shipped from Texas to my home in Miami Beach, where I’m sure my neighbor Lenny Kravitz will soon hit me up for info on how to get him one too!!! My other neighbors are a different story however…Love Live Big Metal Chickens!

And by the way, just for good measure, I bought a huge Texas boot too…that will sit right outside my front door and will be filled with a bunch of fake Texas bluebonnets!

Like Victor, this will be a huge surprise to my husband when they are finally delivered. You’ll hear the bitching and moaning and kvetching all the way from the tip of Florida very soon.

1702 Taichiflower June 24, 2011 at 8:22 am

Funny story, but Victor sounds like a scary guy.
You OK?

1703 nicole June 24, 2011 at 8:22 am

Love the chicken, hilarious story, but I gotta say I’d name mine Sasha Fierce.

1704 MJ June 24, 2011 at 8:23 am

It looks more like a cock, er, rooster to me *giggle*

1705 Shannon June 24, 2011 at 8:26 am

I think I just pissed my pants. Can’t. Stop. Laughing.

1706 Dana June 24, 2011 at 8:31 am

Jenn… I bought a big metal chicken at the grocery store of all places last year for my husband as a joke. He LOVES it. We love our chicken so much that we refuse to get a dog because we have the big chicken. Tell your husband to look at the bright side: no messes and no noise.

1707 Becky June 24, 2011 at 8:42 am

One of the absolute best blog posts I’ve EVER read, and if you haven’t read the Sweet Potato Queens’ Book of Love by Jill Connor Browne, you MUST go out today and buy it. Paperback. Probably in the humor section. Happy Anniversary!

1708 EDJ June 24, 2011 at 8:42 am

I want one.

1709 Maggie June 24, 2011 at 8:45 am

By the far the most hilarious thing I’ve read in a long time. Thank you.

1710 Tilberian June 24, 2011 at 8:47 am

My Serbian friend says there’s a Serbian custom to have some kind of representation of a chicken in the kitchen. So he always gives a ceramic chicken of some kind as a housewarming gift. He says every woman needs a little Serbian cock in the kitchen.

It’s his line, not mine.

1711 Deb June 24, 2011 at 8:47 am

Hillarious!

1712 Cyan B June 24, 2011 at 8:48 am

Okay, everyone in my office now thinks I am crazy(er). I am sitting at my desk laughing out loud, so hard that I am crying. Everytime I thought the hilarity had ended, there was one more little thing. LOVE IT!!! Oh, that is so me. I would totally do that to my husband…ahhhh….okay gotta stop laughing so I can breathe.

1713 K. Drake Neal June 24, 2011 at 8:49 am

“Beyonce” would be sitting on the front porch…. holding your bags…. AND your hot pink towels!!

1714 Voice Of Dissent June 24, 2011 at 8:55 am

Well I didn’t read all 1200+ comments, so this may not be an original thought. For all of you ladies cackling over this story (and I find a LOT of the Blogess’ posts hysterical) think about whether you are responding to the story itself (some silly elements) or the “message” contained in the headline and the subtext of the story. I don’t know (and it doesn’t matter) whether Blogess’ household is single- or dual income, as it isn’t about the money (although based solely on the photo provided, the household seems somewhat affluent) as it is about respect. Could Victor’s request been made more elegantly ? Absolutely. Was the chicken a giant F***-YOU in response ? Sure was.
I imagine virtual pitchforks and torches raised if the story was told with gender roles reversed.

1715 lindsay June 24, 2011 at 8:56 am

I’m actually crying from laughing so hard – it’s been a horrible week for me and that just lifted my spirits. it was like having my own 5′ metal chicken at my door!! Thanks for the perspective and Happy Anniversary!

1716 Mary Beth June 24, 2011 at 8:59 am

who the HELL would not want that chicken? I applaud your purchase.
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1717 Jake June 24, 2011 at 9:02 am

Poor Victor.

1718 Tom June 24, 2011 at 9:02 am

I would’ve covered the damn thing up with some old towels. Pink ones.

1719 Kat June 24, 2011 at 9:09 am

This is the most BRILLIANT thing ever!

1720 Heidi Saxton June 24, 2011 at 9:13 am

I’m pretty sure the 20th anniversary is the “bacon” year. You know, total commitment. Better start looking for that giant pig now!
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1721 Carolynn June 24, 2011 at 9:17 am

First time visitor and I couldn’t have chosen a better day to stop by. I LOVE the metal monstrosity, although I think it’s actually a rooster. Which could be why Victor isn’t happy. You know, male territoriality, and all that. I just got married – can’t wait for year 15 so I can get my own big metal chicken/rooster thingy.

I’ll be back.

(That wasn’t supposed to sound as ominous as it did…)

Carolynn

1722 Zoe Faulder June 24, 2011 at 9:20 am

Seriously where did you get it? Are they available in Europe?

Giant Chicken = viral blog … Pfft I could’ve told you that.
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1723 Crystal June 24, 2011 at 9:21 am

Um, you’re hilarious. That is all.

1724 Farmer Lady June 24, 2011 at 9:25 am

My love of chickens aside this is the funniest thing I have ever read. I actually had a male coworker come in my office to check on me because I was laughing so hard and crying!

If you replace towels with throwrugs I had the exact conversation with my husband last week. Unfortunatly it did not end with the purchase of a hilarously large chicken.

You are my hero!!
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1725 RebeccaC June 24, 2011 at 9:30 am

This post should come with a warning label. I am 9 months pregnant and I’m laughing so hard tears are running down my cheeks….and I swear I just felt a contraction. I’d heard of your blog but this is my first visit. Adding you to my blogroll immediately. Thanks for an amazing laugh….and HAPPY anniversary.

1726 Robert June 24, 2011 at 9:31 am

Maybe he bought you towels for your 15th anniversary?

1727 Matthew June 24, 2011 at 9:34 am

You are so funny!
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1728 Linda Cobb June 24, 2011 at 9:35 am

hysterical – sounds like something my mother would have done to my father

1729 Anne Green June 24, 2011 at 12:50 pm

You know… you might be able to stop by a fitness store and buy that chicken some ankle weights to help keep her upright. Probably about $200. worth should do it! ;oP
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1730 Mr Farty June 24, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Still giggling. You guys rock!
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1731 Sophia June 24, 2011 at 12:51 pm

I do not want a giant metal chicken for my own backyard, but I feel soooooo much better knowing I live in a world where somebody has one. Thanks for the awesome story! I am still clucking–er, chuckling–to myself!

1732 Eleanor June 24, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Probably one of the bets things i’ve ever read! Still laughing about this a couple days later & passing it along to friends!

Thanks for the good laughs :-)
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1733 Janice Skinner June 24, 2011 at 12:54 pm

This is priceless. I once had a 5′ set of armor on my front porch because my accross the street neighbor was such an ass. Every year a little bird made a nest in it so I couldn’t move it!

1734 Von June 24, 2011 at 12:55 pm

I have tears in my eyes…best.giggle.ever!

1735 Austin Girlie June 24, 2011 at 12:58 pm

I love Beyonce. Let me know if you’re willing to rent her out…My husband won’t let me buy a bath mat.

1736 Ashby June 24, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Classic – made my week!
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1737 ky June 24, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Funniest thing I’ve read in MONTHS. Fantastic.
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1738 nate June 24, 2011 at 1:02 pm

All dollars and no sense huh? ….and my wife told me I had to read this because I use the line “you should choose your battles carefully”. ….and you should…but much more carefully. Victor could get creative and cut the chicken’s head off(wrap it in pink towels) and leave in your bed one night, take the body and weld it upsidedown to your hood, as a new hood ornament ya know?

Point being, choosing your battles IS important, so is starting(and finishing) wars…..:)

Sounds like your “friend” had the most fun being an instigator…hmm interesting possibilities for being a double agent perhaps? ….also have to choose your friends carefully….

1739 momtoemma June 24, 2011 at 1:04 pm

This is seriously, the funniest shit I have ever read and I will read your blog until I breath my last breath, which was almost five minutes ago from laughing so hard.

1740 laura June 24, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Holy crap! That was one of the funniest stories I’ve read in a long time! Still giggling. And the argument banter sounds like me and my husband… but, he would like the giant chicken. Just awesome!

1741 julie shidell June 24, 2011 at 1:07 pm

oh sheesh… this made my day!
i heart beyonce mc chicken

1742 Hester June 24, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Great job…love the story & the chicken…

1743 Amanda June 24, 2011 at 1:18 pm

This has been posted in like 40 different places. I am in awe of how the story of the gigantic metal chicken has spread far and wide.

I think we’re in for a giant chicken epidemic and I couldn’t be more happy about the possible outcome of this.
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1744 Angel June 24, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Busted Kate is right!

JUDY GARLAND TRAIL MIX FOR ALL THE NOOOOOOOOOBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1745 Shawn Sawyer June 24, 2011 at 1:20 pm

“That chicken has a shiv” funnier words have NEVER been typed…

1746 Shash June 24, 2011 at 1:22 pm

we just celebrated our 15th anniversary. I totally should have picked up a big metal chicken!!

you know…. sale is a four letter word from God. You had to buy it. You had no choice! :)
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1747 crystal June 24, 2011 at 1:25 pm

HILARIOUS!!!! i need a chicken…

1748 Marc June 24, 2011 at 1:26 pm

I don’t blame Victor for being pissed. He’s obviously a very smart and sensitive man who can see right through your plan to ridicule him by giving him a five foot cock for your 15th anniversary.

1749 james @ agirlcalledjames June 24, 2011 at 1:27 pm

oh man. i was rolling reading this. if i didnt have a husband and a 2 year old sleeping i so would have let it out. thanks for the laugh.
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1750 M. Spencer June 24, 2011 at 1:29 pm

That is AWESOME! I was laughing so hard my husband came running out to ask what was wrong because I was crying. Seriously the BEST story ever! It’s totally made my day! Kudos to you. Best anniversary gift ever too! Bet DH was wishing you’d bought towels now!

1751 Misty June 24, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Once my friend and I stole a ceramic rooster from an old man. We just called him Party Cock ’cause he was the biggest and best cock at all the parties. All the guys were jealous of our cock. Beyonce would love him.
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1752 Jenny June 24, 2011 at 1:35 pm

This is seriously the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. i was laughing so hard I was crying.

1753 Roxanne June 24, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Oh, holy god, that’s funny.

1754 Stu June 24, 2011 at 1:40 pm

OMG! I love this!
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1755 Liz June 24, 2011 at 1:46 pm

I have never laughed so hard at a blog post in my life!

1756 T~ June 24, 2011 at 1:49 pm

I have not laughed that hard in years! You are my hero! Ihave forwared your blog to some family & friends and even my mother agrees that she is surprised I have not done this already to my husband. So glad there are other people out there with a good sense of humor.
Live long & Carry on your good works!!!!

1757 Kathi June 24, 2011 at 1:52 pm

OMG!! I just had a huge fight with my boyfriend over some stupid stuff so this was perfect! Passing this along to the girls. Big Metal Chickens Rock!

1758 Mom in High Heels June 24, 2011 at 1:53 pm

OMG. I have tears rolling down my face. That is hilarious. I’m sad now that I let my 15th anniversary pass by without a 5 foot metal chicken. Maybe it can also be for the 17th?
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1759 Connie Sablan June 24, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Hilarious! Love it. I need to find my own Beyonce.

1760 Amy Rico Faust June 24, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Thank you, thank you for sharing this with all of us! I’m headed to my 20th and my hubby sounds a lot like yours. Wish they had big metal chickens in my area…he’d totally be getting one. :)

1761 Inkstainedpaws June 24, 2011 at 2:13 pm

I showed this to my brother, and told a coworker about it at work- and they agree that you’re hilarious. My brother loves the picture, and the card, and the caption. My coworker is questioning your sanity about buying a $100 chicken. Apparently the economy is shitty because people make giant metal chickens. He also doesn’t believe you *weren’t* the drunk lady to buy the chicken. Told him you named him Beyonce and he couldn’t stop laughing. I’m pretty sure you won that argument too. :D
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1762 Bobbi June 24, 2011 at 2:13 pm

My mom did something similar when I was a kid… but hers was a ship. A side view of a big old ship with 3 or 4 masts and a tons of sails! It was awesome! My dad was pissed! It’s still hanging in their living room. Her comment “instead of waiting for my ship to come in I went out and bought it!”
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1763 Mark Gaskins June 24, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Hahahaha! That is full of win! Rock out with your cock out!

1764 Tamara June 24, 2011 at 2:25 pm

I might be crazy overly tired but I was laughing so hard reading that I almost started crying. I love how you can throw down your dysfunctionalness (I mean that as a compliment) and we get to read it and and laugh. Maybe I need to make our dysfunctionalness funnier. I might just have to buy a giant chicken next time I’m out…
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1765 Sheri June 24, 2011 at 2:27 pm

I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants (a topic for another post altogether).
I also want one of these chickens. Can you tell me where you got it?
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1766 Lisa June 24, 2011 at 2:29 pm

i seriously ADORE you!!! This made me laugh so hard!!! I would have done the same damn thing!!!!! HAHAHAHAAH!!!!! XD

1767 OhanaMama June 24, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Victor is a lucky man. :)
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1768 Anonymous June 24, 2011 at 2:33 pm

Apparently, after much deliberation, the size of one’s cock does matter.

1769 Nicole June 24, 2011 at 2:36 pm

The funniest thing I’ve read in a while. I definitely would have bought the chicken too :) it is just too funny not to!

1770 Talulah June 24, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Best blog post ever. I have read it at least 12 times and I still have tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard.

1771 Horrible June 24, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Wow are you a horrible human being. Do the world a favor and never have children. I would say I feel bad for Victor but he was stupid enough to marry a shallow, self centered, waste of life like you, so he’s getting what he deserves. Seriously, swallow a knife.

1772 hulitoons June 24, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Awesome!!!

1773 Elizabeth June 24, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Biggest giggle I’ve had for a long long time.
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1774 Summerlyn Gwin June 24, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Today is my first visit to your fabulous blog, and I cannot stop giggling! All I can say is A.W.E.S.O.M.E!!! You Rock!!!

1775 Rachel June 24, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Holy shit, I so need one of those chicken for the roof of my garage. Something to watch the crepy unemployed neighbor for hours on end for a change.

1776 Dave June 24, 2011 at 2:50 pm

OMG I just about peed my pants reading this. I was at work at the time and totally reading it when I shouldn’t, you know not on break. Luckily I was able to control myself somewhat. And you’re totally right, a big metal chicken ain’t towels. I now consider myself warned and will be careful how I phrase things to my wife in the future. I don’t want to have to stair out my window at a chicken beak forever.

1777 nikki June 24, 2011 at 2:58 pm

so many people sent me this link and i read it multiple times because it’s full on awesome, sister.
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1778 nursejoc June 24, 2011 at 3:00 pm

This is comedic gold… I totally want a 5 foot chicken now just to dink around with my husband.
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1779 TinyPeachesWA June 24, 2011 at 3:07 pm

I laughed, not only until I cried, I laughed until my nose ran. Maybe a first. And the comments are nearly as funny as the story. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

1780 Emily June 24, 2011 at 3:09 pm

And I thought when I wanted to buy an 8 foot Betty Boop as a sparkly waitress on rollers skates (she even had a tray you could put things on) at the local discount brand names store that was the find of all finds – of course if she had been $100 instead of $900 (marked down from $2500) I probably would have bought her. Congrats on the new chicken!
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1781 wont June 24, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Fabulous from start to finish. So funny. Of course the best part…you completely bamboozled Victor and his silly towel declaration. Love it.

PS: Perfect name!

1782 cinda June 24, 2011 at 3:12 pm

The best place for your chicken is beside your swimming pool (if you have one), holding a towel.

1783 Marianna June 24, 2011 at 3:12 pm

This is the best and funniest thing I have ever read. I keep coming back and rereading it. Every time I see that chicken standing at your front door I lose it.

1784 Mina June 24, 2011 at 3:14 pm

I still can’t stop laughing! And, I LOVE the chicken!

1785 Johann June 24, 2011 at 3:15 pm

I feel that any man who threatens to strangle you over towels deserves:

1. a big metal chicken

2. To have to air-dry himself after showers for the rest of his life.

3. Possibly a divorce.

And that’s only AFTER I rejected the idea of strangling him before he got a chance at me as impractical because of what a time-waster the trial and punishment would be.

1786 Ali June 24, 2011 at 3:17 pm

I seriously about peed in my pants. Thank you!!!!!!!!! :)

1787 Jennifer June 24, 2011 at 3:23 pm

OMG If I laugh any hardermy husband just may put me in the loony bin. LOLOLOLOLOL

1788 j June 24, 2011 at 3:26 pm

That was the dumbest fucking story I have ever written. I feel dumber because I just wasted 3 minutes of my life reading that useless bullshit. Who ever wrote this can fuck right off.

1789 KNC June 24, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Proud or embarassed? Office cooler: “what’d you’re wife get you for you’re anniversary?” Victor: “A 5ft cock!”

1790 becky June 24, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Now what if the chicken takes a bath, and needs a towel to dry off. You might need to buy yourself a giant chicken sized towel. Poor Victor.

1791 Kat Blackthorne June 24, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Thank you – this story made my day!

1792 Leatrice Hargrove June 24, 2011 at 3:39 pm

What I want to know is when you moved in with me & my husband? My daughter sent this to me and we both laughed until we cried.
I said, “You totally know what you’re getting for our anniversary, right?!!!
Love it!!!

1793 amy hohenadel June 24, 2011 at 3:45 pm

I SO want a 5 foot chicken ringing my doorbell!
Love this site!! You remind me of my sister… http://www.mevstherapy.webs.com
you both have the same delightfully strange sense of humor!

1794 Adam June 24, 2011 at 3:50 pm

I’m pretty sure that’s a Rooster…

1795 deb June 24, 2011 at 3:52 pm

Thank you for posting this. I told my husband that we need new towels, but he doesn’t understand. Now, I think he will. ;)

1796 Salli June 24, 2011 at 3:56 pm

You are my hero! Fabulous!

1797 Melissa June 24, 2011 at 3:57 pm

This. Had. Me. In. Tears. from laughing so hard. Absolutely hysterical and loved every word. I’m emailing it, facebooking it and tweeting it to everyone! Fantastic stuff.

I want my own Beyonce.

1798 Anonymous June 24, 2011 at 3:59 pm

Yes, a funny prank and good laugh but part of me couldn’t help thinking “Here’s a couple of well-heeled ladies with too much time and disposable income on their hands out looking for things they don’t need to take back to their McMansions.

1799 Bunny June 24, 2011 at 4:11 pm

This sounds just like Phyliss Fantozzi and Bunny Frey. This so could have been us!

1800 Anonymous June 24, 2011 at 4:13 pm

I love this. It’s so something I would do if I had $300, which I don’t. Come to think of it, I don’t have any towels, either.

1801 Andrea Green June 24, 2011 at 4:14 pm

I love this. It’s so something I would do if I had $300, which I don’t. Come to think of it, I don’t have any towels, either.

1802 Fornicon June 24, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Look at the comments. They’re pretty much all women rooting this shitty blogger on for showing her husband up for complaining about wasting money. He’s mad that she’s obviously buying shit that they don’t need so what does she do? She wastes a $100 to play a stupid prank on him that she knows in advance is going to piss him off. When a guy wastes money in a relationship, he’s being a selfish asshole. Women doing that is apparently something to be celebrated.

Vagina owners are a twisted bunch of people.

1803 SPD June 24, 2011 at 4:17 pm

I keep opening this just to see the KNOCK KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER picture and laughing my ass off.

1804 Melodee June 24, 2011 at 4:22 pm

I read this yesterday and laughed. I read it again today and laughed even harder. I have GOT to get myself a big-ass chicken.

1805 Anon June 24, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Did you see Blue Valentine? You are SO Ryan Gosling & Victor is SO Michelle Williams. It doesn’t end well. I feel sorry for little Hailey/Frankie. She’s the real victim here.

1806 Heather June 24, 2011 at 4:28 pm

That. rocked!!!!

1807 Jane June 24, 2011 at 4:31 pm

You and that “really drunk lady” are the two very lucky giant chicken owners. Brilliant.

1808 Rana June 24, 2011 at 4:33 pm

YOU ARE MY FREAKIN HERO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1809 Natasha June 24, 2011 at 4:35 pm

I know exactly where we can get a big metal chicken Tam. .not as colorful. .but it can be arranged. Towels are overrated anyway. Awesome tale.

1810 Amanda @ The Lungos June 24, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Freaking crying. This is the best anniversary story. EVER.

1811 Bite_Me June 24, 2011 at 4:38 pm

I wish you were my neighbor. I would fake bad days just so I could look forward to coming home to a giant metal chicken stationed at my front door to cheer me up.

My personal feeling is that Beyoncé should start a letter-writing campaign to Victor to win him over. Who could resist love letters from Beyoncé?

1812 Isabella June 24, 2011 at 4:41 pm

completely true be careful what u say men!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:):P:):P:P:)

1813 Christina June 24, 2011 at 4:42 pm

You are BLOWING up on FB right now. So far I’m up to 7 friends that have posted this link. We’re all laughing hysterically. One of my co-workers keeps quoting from this in a Mr. Chow (you know from The Hangover) voice adding her own spin with a little profanity at the end that starts with “mother”. I just had to send you love. Great blog. Only downside is that I can’t send it to my husband because now he’s getting a giant chicken for our anniversary. I just need to figure out how to position is outside his office window on the second floor.

1814 Some guy June 24, 2011 at 4:42 pm

You didn’t buy it as a anniversary present, you bought it to piss him off because you waste HIS money on stupid crap that you have enough of already. So out of spite, you waste a whole lot MORE of his money on something that has ABSOLUTELY no usefulness for anything or anyone except for you, which at most only gave you about a whole 5 seconds worth of entertainment. So now you have this 5 foot butt ugly chicken cluttering up the backyard and in front of his study window of all places, probably the only window that he has, and all it is, is constant reminder to him about how dumb you really are and should probably never be allowed to spend money on anything let alone be out of the house ever again.

You suck with money, you suck as a wife, and you suck as a overall human being.

By the way, the chicken isn’t growing on him, he still hates it and will always hate it.

1815 Michelle June 24, 2011 at 4:54 pm
1816 Dana June 24, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Oh this is priceless!!!! I will have to remember this for when a similar situation arises, and I am sure that one will (dont they always) I hope I will be able to find as nice a chicken when it happens… LOL

1817 Greer June 24, 2011 at 5:12 pm

We all have a few chicken stories to remember. Looks like long time relationships can fall to the birds if you can’t bring a little humor to the playpen.

1818 Danielle June 24, 2011 at 5:19 pm

so – do you think that Beyonce has any relatives in Laredo, TX ?? I think my hubby NEEDS a giant chicken friend to ‘brighten’ his day!!

1819 houndstooth June 24, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Oh, I am laughing so hard right now, I can barely see to type! Even my husband is cackling like a hen! Oops! Sorry, Victor!
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1820 Jennifer Sosniak June 24, 2011 at 5:29 pm

The Bookish Snob shared this and now I’m following you because of it. You are hilarious!

1821 Joe June 24, 2011 at 5:30 pm

That’s AWESOME!!!!

1822 Jennifer June 24, 2011 at 5:34 pm

I love it! This has got to be the funniest way to end an argument that I have ever heard of.

1823 Tish June 24, 2011 at 5:37 pm

I haven’t laughed this hard in years! But, if you live in Houston – I found 2 giant chickens at the HEB on Bunker Hill for the bargain price of $99.00 and they are much more colorful (if you can imagine that) that this one!

1824 Winnie June 24, 2011 at 5:38 pm

I laughed so hard I farted. Now THAT’S funny.

1825 Robin June 24, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Too funny! I laughed out loud. Great post.

1826 Elena (running in heels after child) June 24, 2011 at 5:42 pm

That was the funniest thing I have read in a while. I don’t think my husband I I have had an argument that would crack any one up, but we have only been married 5 years.

1827 Denise Burridge June 24, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Thank you for such a much needed ROFL.
My hubby is currently deployed so between missing him, burning my candle on both ends, chasing Typhoon Trio, starting a business and insomnia. I’m running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off. I think you may of been holding it in the picture ;)

This was definitely a great start to my day. Thank you BIG (((hug)))

Reading the comments was great too. Too bad some people just don’t have a sense of humor.
Loved your reply to some of the comments. Victor you’re not allowed to comment here. Mom???
Genius!

I did read a couple of previous post. The future post was too cute. Loved the fact that the science magazine replied back. Can’t hang out with you too much longer since it’s morning here on Okinawa and I have to get going but will definitely visit again =)

prosperity, peace and love
Denise

1828 Marty Paola June 24, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Is this his subconscience way of expressing ‘cock-envy’?

1829 Myna June 24, 2011 at 5:46 pm

I have real chickens scratching around in my yard in Happy, Texas: The town without a frown. You should come see me when you’re driving to Colorado. We should be facebook friends. Love, Myna

1830 Blissful Babe June 24, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Solid. AWESOMENESS. I think I might have peed.

1831 Martha June 24, 2011 at 5:54 pm

That picture of the chicken at the front door? LMAO. Holy crap this is a great story…

1832 Laurie June 24, 2011 at 5:55 pm

This is the funniest thing I have read in a LONG time. You are my new hero and inspiration. My hubby better watch out next time he makes me cranky about my shopping!!!!!

1833 Wendie June 24, 2011 at 5:56 pm

Thanks so much for the laugh!! Seeing that photo of that huge chicken at your front door is priceless!

1834 Sonny June 24, 2011 at 6:03 pm

I heartily encourage Victor to divorce you and find a younger chick.

1835 Vmouton June 24, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Damn! That was the best thing I’ve read in a long time! Go Beyonce’!!! LOL!

1836 Kim June 24, 2011 at 6:13 pm

O….M….G….

THAT CHICKEN ROCKS!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!! And $100 is a real bargain!

1837 Liza June 24, 2011 at 6:21 pm

This is the one of funniest things I’ve read in a long time. I also laughed until I cried. Thanks.

1838 JenniB June 24, 2011 at 6:22 pm

I must thank you. That was the BEST laugh I’ve had in months. I laughed so hard I cried and may have even pee’d a little. I love marriage and all it’s little psychotic nuances!
“15 YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS.”
Fucking classic.

1839 michele June 24, 2011 at 6:23 pm

I am gonna pass this on to every woman I know! Too freakin hilarious :o ) Made my day

1840 Cindi H June 24, 2011 at 6:32 pm

I feel lucky to have an 20″ tall rooster given to me by a great friend! LOL!

Roosters rule!

1841 Pinkim (kim wright) June 24, 2011 at 6:41 pm

Wow, I have only gotten to comment # 400 Aend something and so I must come back to finish them…I have enjoyed the comments as much as the story….well most of them…Thanks for answering the polite detractor because, I was going to have to look up the story of the boar head as so many people have mentioned it here and i don’t have time right now…
this was just hysterical and I shared it with my husband and told him to watch out the next time he tells me not to buy something! He said that OK, I’ll put it out in the front yard!

1842 Katie June 24, 2011 at 6:51 pm

Okay…that damn chicken is FUNNY. I have tears coming down my face & I think I may have peed a little too. My hubby and I just celebrated our 10 year anniversary & now I’m bummed I didn’t get him a chicken.

1843 Catherine McDaniel June 24, 2011 at 6:53 pm

This story (and your deadpan wit) has brought me more happiness than you could imagine…

1844 ANGELA June 24, 2011 at 6:53 pm

I’m going to make an altar and place you on it. I love you. You are awesome.

1845 Sarah V. June 24, 2011 at 7:01 pm

Totally hilarious! Thanks to my friend Ann for sending me this blog. This girl makes a point of being funny and I love it. If you can’t see the simple humor in it, it’s sad. Life is meant to be enjoyed and not get upset over the little things in life. Happy Anniversary! :)

1846 Jules June 24, 2011 at 7:06 pm

This is THE best post EVER !!!! I have now reached the end of the internet….

1847 Wendy Jolliffe June 24, 2011 at 7:07 pm

Seriously, I hve read this at least 4 times. And, I keep quoting it. Genius. I need a 5 foot metal chicken. Bock, bock, motherfucker.

1848 Peggi June 24, 2011 at 7:16 pm

Rofl too funny!!! My hubby wouldn’t care if I bought towels, and would probably just roll his eyes at the chicken, so I can’t have that kind of fun with him.

I think you should wait about a month, put the chicken on eBay and get the full $300 (there’s enough people HERE clamoring for it!), then buy some towels. Take the towels into an embroidery shop, have them embroider chickens on the towels (show them pictures so they can make it look the same), hang em up in the bathroom and don’t say a word.

1849 jj June 24, 2011 at 7:18 pm

I hope you write a book, I really lmao!!!

1850 Ginny June 24, 2011 at 7:21 pm

I am still laughing. which isn’t an easy thing to do. i just cracked up! and some of the comments are almost as hilliarious. You know this story is gonna go viral

1851 Ginny June 24, 2011 at 7:22 pm

I am still laughing. which isn’t an easy thing to do. i just cracked up! and some of the comments are almost as hilliarious. You know this story is gonna go viral

1852 Kathie June 24, 2011 at 7:26 pm

These are women after my own heart. I laughed so hard my neighbors thought I was having a stroke. I LOVED this. I’m sending it to ALL of my friends.

1853 Choka June 24, 2011 at 7:27 pm

This is the funniest thing i’ve read in years – I have tears running down my face. Thank you :)
I think I’ll get my OH one for our next aniversary, lol.

1854 Bella June 24, 2011 at 7:27 pm

Seriously. I laughed so hard I cried. Because my husband is like Victor only I don’t quite have the balls you do!!! Awesome!!!!!

1855 Nichole Renee June 24, 2011 at 7:39 pm

Oh my gawd. I just cried and peed my pants. Hubby asked what was so funny, and I couldn’t tell him because he SO would not get it. Thank you for making my entire day!

1856 Kalli June 24, 2011 at 7:42 pm

Just wanted to let you know that ever since finding your blog, (and no… I did not find it by doing some crazy porn search on google… I found it the semi normal way of blog stalking thank you very much.) I have failed to complete three homework assignments and canceled a date with some random dude. It has made my life worth while. Thank you for this masterpiece of a blog and for your mind that is so far out in left field that it matches mine. (and the left field thing comes from my roommate. I on the other hand completely understand and agree with you on just about everything.)Thank you thank you thank you.

1857 lighten up June 24, 2011 at 7:44 pm

To the maybe 5 lame party pooping, bitter, humorless people who posted comments, I feel sorry for you. Battles? Domestic Violence? Angry about a funny practical joke? Come on! This was some funny shit! I was having a bad day and a friend forwarded this to me on FB. I can totally see myself and my BFFL doing this one day. You rock and this was fucking so funny, I am still chuckling off and on, a few days later! I will be checking back to see more of your funny shit. Thanks!

1858 Stephanie June 24, 2011 at 7:53 pm

Dude I NEED one of these STAT! I have a friend who is ridiculously obnoxious and he NEEDS this for his birthday, he just doesn’t know it yet.

1859 Wes June 24, 2011 at 7:59 pm

If I were Victor, I would have strangled you and stuffed your body inside that chicken. Still hilarious, though.

1860 Catherine@happinessafterheartache June 24, 2011 at 8:02 pm

I just had to comment for a second time. I have been thiking of random quotes from this post ever since I read it, at random times, and laughing out loud, at random times. My husband thinks I’m nuts. And every time he asks what I’m laughing about I tell him it’s the CHICKEN! Now I have more to laugh about – some of these comments suggesting the marital advice. So glad I came back to read them, and your responses!

1861 Kevin M Westman June 24, 2011 at 8:06 pm

I just keep thinking of the picture of you choking your chicken in public. Also, my favorite saying to everyone is ” no matter how bad you think things are. Just remember that GOD could have made you a chicken and you would be forced to eat with your pecker”………just sayin.

1862 Cathy June 24, 2011 at 8:19 pm

Methinks Some Guy (#1324) needs to have a giant metal chicken left on his doorstep.

Many thanks for the laughs–made my week! You might find a friend for Beyonce here in Memphis at the most bizarre estate sale I have ever seen advertised. You and Laura should take a quick trip to the land of Elvis, but I strongly suggest leaving Victor at home. Here’s the teaser: taxidermied baboons. I swear.
http://www.estatesales.net/estate-sales/174006.aspx

1863 Jon June 24, 2011 at 8:23 pm

Why do I have a feeling that if Victor had owned the chicken when they met, it would have been the first thing she demanded in no uncertain terms that he absolutely must get rid of once she moved in.

1864 Jeanette June 24, 2011 at 8:24 pm

I laughed so hard I cried . . . and that’s saying a lot if you know me

1865 Suzie June 24, 2011 at 8:35 pm

I am so glad you said where you found the chickens. I need the chicken. I emailed Home Goods and told them:

I follow a blog called “The Bloggess” and she found a metal rooster (VERY LARGE) on sale and I would give my first born to have one. Or my husband. Whichever. But please, I want a metal chicken! I love chickens. I have chickens. I even eat chicken. Please please help me find one of those metal chickens.
Hugs,
Suzie

So, Jenny, if you find another chicken, please buy, I will reimburse, or I will send you towels in exchange. That way you aren’t *buying* towels. Win-win. xoxoox, Suzie

1866 LuvMyCrzyLife June 24, 2011 at 8:41 pm

BEST blog post EVER!

1867 Kristina Baesman June 24, 2011 at 8:45 pm

Not only did my drink come out of my nose, I think I got a hernia from laughing too hard! :)

1868 AmazingSusan June 24, 2011 at 8:46 pm

Cock-a-doodle-do LOL.

One of my own comedic adventures: http://www.amazingwomenrock.com/myblog/some-days-it-pays-to-stay-in-bed.-or-does-it.html

Love your blog dahhhling <3
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1869 Jen June 24, 2011 at 8:46 pm

Your post totally made my day. No, my week. No. My life.

IT’S FULL OF WHIMSY still makes me crack up for no reason whatsoever.

1870 Theresa June 24, 2011 at 8:51 pm

Oh, there MUST be a comment because I celebrate my own 15th anniversary in August and now I am so glad to know what the appropriate gift should be. BTW, I will be offering a link to this blog to my own readers (paltry in number though they be). Thank you so much for a well needed giggle!
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1871 Kristin... in Va Beach June 24, 2011 at 8:52 pm

Hilarious… Thank you for that! All of that! Pure greatness! I was laughing so hard, I was crying!

1872 Janeen June 24, 2011 at 8:54 pm
1873 Alyssa Brennan June 24, 2011 at 8:55 pm

This is hysterical. HYSTERICAL! My husband and I both loved it. 15 years is big metal chicken!

1874 Dot June 24, 2011 at 8:58 pm

I did the exact same thing with a metal cat sculpture I had. We had a big one that met its demise before we got married and moved in together, but I found a smaller version of it and placed it in random places at times to egg my husband on. He was so happy that we finally let the first one go that he was not impressed when I wasted $11 on a replacement. Another HomeGoods find, I believe.
I’m on a mission to find these chickens. I threatened to get one and the only reaction I got was something about the HOA not being too happy. Meanwhile, hubby’s friend seemed to take me a little more seriously because his face was a bit more interesting when I mentioned how if nothing else I just wanted to drive around town with a 5-foot chicken in the back of the truck for a day.

1875 Heather H. June 24, 2011 at 9:01 pm

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I can’t remember the last time I laughed this hard by myself! I had (& still have!) tears rolling down my face while reading. Honestly I might have to print this out & read it when i need a laugh! Hysterically funny story & the pictures made it so much better. Beyonce ROCKS!

1876 Julie the Wife June 24, 2011 at 9:03 pm

Anyone who has EVER read this blog knows:
A) Jenny has the biggest heart in asylum
B) Victor is awesomely awesome and is not intimidated by a 5 foot cock
C) If Jenny ever “grows up” her regulars will leave their boxed wine and beg her to knock it the fuck off.

We love you Jenny! Keep doing what you do! Can’t wait for your book!
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1877 Meg June 24, 2011 at 9:08 pm

AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! This is about the funniest thing I have EVER read! I can so totally see this happening as if I were there, my belly hurts from laughing. So, think you’re having a bad day? Now you have a 5 foot chicken to deal with. Very funny…. my pets think I’ve lost it , I can NOT stop laughing. Thank you for a wonderful end to a crummy day,. :>

1878 Mama MOE June 24, 2011 at 9:11 pm

I’m not surprised you have so many comments on this post. I still have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard! I love the play by play…I was dying! Awesome post, thanks for making me laugh THAT hard about a metal chicken….and the towels of course. Mama MOE

1879 Ha! June 24, 2011 at 9:12 pm

It’s rare I laugh aloud at anything on the internet, but this had me in actual chuckles!

1880 Lisel June 24, 2011 at 9:14 pm

I read this in a public place and I laughed so hard with tears streaming down my face. My preteen daughter was mortified and said I could win the prize for the most embarrassing mother ever. So when I regained my composure I started singing Christmas carols, loudly. I have an image in my head of the manager all serious, wrestling that chicken and warning everyone to get back cause cause the chicken “will cut you!”. Hilarious !!!!!

1881 julie/just precious June 24, 2011 at 9:16 pm

And now. I totally want a 5 foot chicken. Or whatever the equivalent for an 11 year anniversary is.
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1882 Mother Duck June 24, 2011 at 9:20 pm

ROFL! Good one. Happy anniversary btw! :-D
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1883 Geeky Canuck June 24, 2011 at 9:22 pm

Abso-fricken-lutely PRICELESS!
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1884 Geeky Canuck June 24, 2011 at 9:24 pm

Best name for a chicken EVER!!!
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1885 Riki June 24, 2011 at 9:26 pm

LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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1886 Anonymous June 24, 2011 at 9:40 pm

thank you. I was having a terrible night. It is no longer terrible.

1887 Beth Surdut, Visual Storyteller June 24, 2011 at 9:41 pm

It’s a rooster. which means you’ll have to go back to that store and demand that they provide you with a flock of hens to keep him happy. which might be construed by your husband that you’re promoting polygamy. which would cost him a fortune in towels.

1888 MegSaid June 24, 2011 at 9:48 pm

I’d send you a buck, too. Post a P.O. Box and see what happens! I bet Beyonce’ would send you a towel, in fact.

1889 Anonymous June 24, 2011 at 9:49 pm

HILARIOUS!

1890 redredwein June 24, 2011 at 9:50 pm

I can’t believe this is going all viral now. All my friends are all “Have you seen this?” and I’m like, duh, where do you think I found the honey badger video and finally got validation that Little House on the Prairie was fucked up.

1891 Anonymous June 24, 2011 at 9:51 pm

Jenny, you are my new girl crush/imaginary BFF! I have been reading through your blog since yesterday when a co-worker forwarded this post to me. I can’t wait to read your book!

1892 Suebob June 24, 2011 at 9:54 pm

I’m just so proud to be able to say that I have known you since the day I first mistook you for a drunken neurotic cancer survivor backstage in Chicago. Wait, San Francisco. Or was it Chicago? Shit, these cities are all beginning to blend in. That was BEFORE your shit went viral.
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1893 Jakki June 24, 2011 at 9:56 pm

Jenny, you are my new girl crush/imaginary BFF! I have been reading through your blog archives since yesterday when a co-worker forwarded this post to me. I can’t wait to read your book!

1894 Alex @ Anniversary Gifts June 24, 2011 at 9:57 pm

Hahaha, great story! That picture of the giant cock had me laughing to tears!

1895 Honeysmoke June 24, 2011 at 9:58 pm

Umm, Happy Anniversary. Thsnks for the giggles!
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1896 Honeysmoke June 24, 2011 at 9:58 pm

Umm, Happy Anniversary. Thanks for the giggles!
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1897 Ellen Elizabeth Mae June 24, 2011 at 9:59 pm

This is hilarious! Thank you for the good laugh.

1898 Jean McDermott June 24, 2011 at 10:04 pm

Now here’s an advantage to living alone. You can buy a huge, pointy, rusty, tetanus-ridden CHEERFUL CHICKEN and put it any old damn place you want to!

Here’s the disadvantage to living alone and having a huge, pointy, rusty, tetanus-ridden CHEERFUL CHICKEN. Not having anyone around to have an entertaining screaming and punching fit at the sight of it!

I have two acres in Alaska. I can have a whole herd of metal chickens if I want!
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1899 chuck June 24, 2011 at 10:05 pm

Why don’t you do your husband a favor and throw out some of your old towels. Obviously he’s annoyed that there’s too much crap in your house already, then you go and piss money on that.

1900 Summer June 24, 2011 at 10:14 pm

You are now my hero. Next time my husband argues with me, I will be searching out a GIANT metal chicken in tribute to this. XD

1901 Sharon June 24, 2011 at 10:14 pm

I have shared this with every girlfriend/sister/friend I know! It made me laugh so hard that I even emailed the link to my now-remarried, EX-husband (we were together for 15 years) Hahaha!!!! Awesome.

1902 kelly June 24, 2011 at 10:19 pm

You should have bought a hot pink beach towel and hung it around beyonce’s neck! LMFAO

1903 Martha Smith June 24, 2011 at 10:21 pm

Your hubby should see my front yard!!! My brother gave me an 8 foot rooster for Christmas…I wanted one..then he added a 5 foot one for my birthday…sorta like a Mrs. Rooster…I then added 3 smaller ones for Father’s Day! I have more people stopping by to see them than my miniature horse that I bring home every once in a while! Wish I could add a pic here…but he does have his own Facebook page! Rooster Cherico! I love what you did! Next time you do need towels…get some with Roosters on them!!!!

1904 Martha Smith June 24, 2011 at 10:38 pm

By the way….I have a scar on my arm from my 5′ Rooster! I was decorating the 8′ Rooster and the 5′ Rooster’s beak caught my arm! Shiv…oh yea! LOL
Martha

1905 Teresa (not of this blog) June 24, 2011 at 10:44 pm

I definitley need one of those chickens.

1906 Teresa (not of this blog) June 24, 2011 at 10:44 pm

I definitely need one of those chickens.

1907 Leah June 24, 2011 at 10:48 pm

I saw a 2 foot tall chicken at Ross today and walked by it 3 times wondering if I should buy it while thinking about this blog. I don’t know if it would have had the same effect so I left it.

I might go back for it…

1908 Steve Bush June 24, 2011 at 10:49 pm

What a cock (Victor and the Chicken).

1909 Monica June 24, 2011 at 10:50 pm

Laughed till I cried. Thanks!

1910 Andi June 24, 2011 at 11:02 pm

Absolutely loved the story… and it released my inner desires to have a metal chicken nearly my own height… or two..

Thanks for the belly laugh!

1911 arin June 24, 2011 at 11:04 pm

your detractors are just suffering from “cock-envy”, though in their defense, i’m pretty sure the rules of the internet state that: EVERYTHING ON THE INTERNETS IS TRUE and anything you read MUST be taken literally.

however, they’ve clearly broken two of the most important rules: 1) none of them were “first” and 2) not one of them mentioned “hitler”.

i’m pretty sure this means YOU WIN THE INTERNETS, Jenny.

*Well done*.

1912 Ann Marie Lessner June 24, 2011 at 11:09 pm

Oh my goodness I have tears running down my face. This is hysterical!!!

1913 Jody June 24, 2011 at 11:17 pm

omg… i havent laughed so hard in ages… thank you! hehehehehehehe

1914 CrrrAzy June 24, 2011 at 11:23 pm

Alas! A kindred spirit! That is right up my alley! I do that crap all the time! And I’m the only one who thinks it’s funny. My friends and family refer to my husband’s “that’s not funny” face. And we collapse in hysterics all over again. I think his (and Victor’s) reactions make it all the more beautiful. (And today is our 11th anniversary. The traditional gift is stainless steel….ah the possibilities….) Thank you. You made my day.

C

1915 kyle June 24, 2011 at 11:27 pm

Great job on the consumption spending! You sure showed him!

1916 emily illinois June 24, 2011 at 11:31 pm

Love you Jenny. I barely have a pot to piss in, but I still would have been secretly amused if my boyfriend put a giant metal animal at the front door for me. I’m sorry for all the trolls out there. I guess some people drink haterade while looking for new places to puke up the shitty ticker-tape called ‘thoughts’ that they have. I love your blog and you and I send mind-turds to anyone who doesn’t. xoxo 4-evah.
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1917 wendiwinn June 24, 2011 at 11:33 pm

what can i say that hasn’t been said already in the 1thousandumpteen comments before me?

i love it. i want it. have victor mail it to me. because right now. i’m going thru the same thing with my hubby. except it’s not about towels. it’s about our living room furniture. blah blah blah you just bought those chairs. and i’m like blah blah blah three years ago. and he’s like blah blah blah no one has even sat in them. and i’m like blah blah blah that’s why we need new ones!

the end.


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1918 Janice June 24, 2011 at 11:44 pm

I freaking love you. Best. laugh. evar.

1919 Shelley June 24, 2011 at 11:53 pm

Thank you. I just returned from a shopping trip where I found my very own miniature Beyonce. Thanks to you and your story, she came home with me…

1920 Miranda June 25, 2011 at 12:02 am

You just got yourself a new follower.

However, the chicken needs accessories. “If you like it then you should’ve put a ring on it.” But it would have to be a giant metal cock ring.

Count me in for a dollar and a towel. Completely worth it.

1921 Dee June 25, 2011 at 12:12 am

I can only hope that my 15 year anniversary is as wonderful as y’alls!!

1922 Anon June 25, 2011 at 12:28 am

Interesting, and disturbing. Four of my friends posted a link to this on Facebook and said it was soooo funny. I finally read it, and my first reaction was “Two predictions: One this woman’s never worked a day of real labor in her life. Two, this couple is on their way to a divorce.”

I appreciated the thoughtful response to the one poster who criticized it, and your explanation that this type of humor is the norm, makes me think prediction #2 is probably wrong. (Although I don’t know if your marriage would survive a financial crisis intact.) What I find really disturbing though is that out of all the comments I counted up, only around 1.5% found something wrong with this story, and of those most were misogynistic. (Melly #482 came closest to nailing it, except that I think she’s overly optimistic in assuming that poverty is a stage of life rather than a perpetual state for many.)

Yes, I also make the assumption that you live primarily on your husband’s income, but that’s not because I stepped out of a time warp where I think women don’t earn money, it’s because I think that people who work hard for money don’t spend it as frivolously as those who are given money, or those who are paid more than is due them. In the case of the former, the money is usually given by a spouse or inherited. The latter is rarely the case for women, who usually have to work twice as hard to get the same recognition and compensation.

Saying that you raised $42k for charity really doesn’t help the perception of you. I think the people who are posting negative comments basically think you and most of the people who find this funny have too much time and disposable income. Saying that you and your readers can raise that much money on a whim only reinforces that idea.

There is a huge and growing class divide in this country—and most of those at the bottom are too busy envying those at the top to even complain about it. This story, and people’s negative responses to it, are a symptom of that. You should not be personally blamed for being a symptom of that system, but I think the idea behind asking you to donate to charity is to get you closer to an awareness of that disparity. I am glad that you organize fundraisers, but getting to the point you question the role of frivolous spending in relation to class divide I think is probably a long, long way off.

1923 Princess Mom June 25, 2011 at 12:32 am

I super-love this post and love you. Some day I hope I can introduce Beyoncé to my giant metal goat.

1924 April June 25, 2011 at 12:47 am

Best post ever. This is exactly the kind of shenannagans I get in trouble for around here with my bestie

1925 Brenda June 25, 2011 at 1:26 am

OH MY GOSH THIS WAS SOOO FUNNY!! My husband is next to me sleeping and I nearly woke him up from trying desperately to finish the article AND silently laugh hysterically. Thank you sooo much! This is exactly what my day needed. Now I can go to bed with a smile on my face.

1926 badassmothaf*cker June 25, 2011 at 1:40 am

i laughed so hard i almost barfed – no, for reals. Who are you and why have i only just found you???? thanks for making my life

1927 mccue June 25, 2011 at 1:54 am

I just gotta say I loved this story. I hope that all of your anniversaries are this awesome. Next year is my 33rd with this guy and I’ve got my eye out for a ……. rusty chicken. Remember “Rusty” the chicken…O never mind, before your time. hint ( the friendly giant)

1928 Casey June 25, 2011 at 1:56 am

That huge chicken would stun the crap out of me lol, So funny haha
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1929 Dylan June 25, 2011 at 2:12 am

This is just sad. Why would you do this just to antangonize your husband? The only lesson to be learned here is not to waste money on useless and stupid shit that you KNOW is gonna piss your spouse off! And if you’re anything like most women, Victor was right you probably didn’t need any more towels because you had too many to begin with.

1930 Stefanie June 25, 2011 at 3:08 am

OMG. This must be shared with the world. I only have another 12 years left until my 15th anniversary. I cant wait! :)

1931 whatever June 25, 2011 at 3:14 am

Your relationship is doomed. Just divorce already.

1932 A man June 25, 2011 at 3:45 am

You sound like a real bitch. I feel sorry for victor. He’s only trying to be practical.

1933 Lisa C June 25, 2011 at 3:48 am

When your current towels become thin and totally useless, drag Beyonce into the bathroom and tell Victor to use it to wipe himself dry, because there are no more new towels… and do tell him to be careful of the sharp bits…

1934 Roksi June 25, 2011 at 3:54 am

I’m nearly 5 months pregnant, and quite frankly I blame you for making me pee myself.

This was hilarious. I am so jealous you found a giant metal chicken! I’m not allowed near places that stock such items. Cause that’s exactly how we wound up with a 4 foot tall porcelain giraffe covered in gold.

(To be fair, he’s grown to love it. Our dog is terrified of it).

But I do think I need to add a chicken to our inanimate zoo collection.

1935 Jenny the bloggess June 25, 2011 at 4:13 am

Sorry it’s taking me so long to approve comments. My blog isn’t used to this kind of traffic so my host server kind of rioted. Thanks so much for all the comments. Especially those of you who came back multiple times to insist (using multiple names and the same computer) that I dont know the meaning of money and that my vagina has impeded me from actually having any money of my own. You. Are. Adorable.

Just to be clear though, I grew up quite happily but with no money at all. Our first years of marriage were financially tough but we made it through with our senses of humors as a shield to the anxiety of going without and crushing debt. I graduated college while working a full-time night job to pay for it (this was while Victor and I were married) and in the 15 years that Victor and I hhave been happily married I have never not worked. And in spite of my vagina I’ve even had years when I’ve made more than him. I now work full-time writing several columns, blogs, ad copy, design work, and a book which sold last year.

Victor happens to think this post is hilarious (although he still insists that we don’t need new towels) and when my blog kept crashing from the traffic, he’s been working with my host for days to got it back online. Not because he’s whipped…but because he has a sense of humor and enjoys mine.

Most of the time.

In hindsight.

Probably.

1936 Stephanie June 25, 2011 at 4:18 am

Seriously.. I’ve just read this once to myself and a second time to my husband… both times I laughed so hard I cried and my husband couldn’t stop laughing either. Thanks for the tummy ache! I’m sending this out to everyone I know.
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1937 Jenny the bloggess June 25, 2011 at 4:25 am

PS. The hot pink towels were swim towels with princesses on them for our daughter who is learning to swim (and I was with Victor when we bought them). And yesterday for the first time ever, she swam by herself. Yeehaw.

1938 Jo June 25, 2011 at 4:30 am

I have tears streaming down my face, this is so funny. Good on you for teaching your man a valuable life lesson that all men should be taught. I hope Beyonce can make it to the pool one day to cheer your daughter on from the sidelines. Best Swim Meet EVER. xo

1939 The Baceman June 25, 2011 at 4:42 am

I’m a guy married for 25 years. I would have loved that! Angry over towels? Over a 5ft metal chicken? The man needs a high colonic. Lighten up, Victor. There’s a lot of fun in whimsy! Just for that, the Pink Flamingos are going on the lawn in from of my McMansion this morning. Screw the HOA. I do this in Victor’s memory.

1940 Jean C. June 25, 2011 at 5:09 am

Please, for all that is holy, find me a giant metal dirty hippie so I can annoy my husband too! Oh, wait, he’d probably name it and let it move in as long as it promised to pay rent. (And provide it’s own towels…) ;)
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1941 Lady Armitage-Shanks June 25, 2011 at 5:10 am

I have a small pig with wings made of Mexican oil drums in my front yard but it’s not nearly as nice as your chicken! Great story!

1942 Stephanie @ The Coexist Cafe June 25, 2011 at 5:42 am

I’m celebrating my 6-year dating anniversary this year (first year as a married couple!), and I couldn’t help but think our argument the day before was NOWHERE NEAR AS EPIC.

I should get a Beyonce to make up for it. ;)
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1943 SEEJ June 25, 2011 at 5:43 am

So after I read your blog and laughed until I was fist pounding on the desk, I was watching TV with my husband and a Beyonce commercial came on….well I started laughing again. My husband asked what was so funny, sadly shaking my head I told him he would not understand.

1944 Christine June 25, 2011 at 6:02 am

Love it love it love it! And here I was, thinking about acquiring a small lighthouse to set in our yard. Livestock is the way to go!!! I’ve even got my own truck to convey it home. All I have to do is find something immensely striking and take along my own trusty sidekick to egg me on with the purchase. Hilarious tale. Carry on, girl! Carry on!!!

1945 LeddyStree June 25, 2011 at 6:03 am

Hysterical…War of the Roses Part 2….next time you go out to “not buy towels”, make sure it’s not a chandelier. Perhaps some vodka or laxatives for Victor??.

1946 Linnie June 25, 2011 at 6:11 am

I laughed the entire time I read this…I can totally see my Aunt Lainie and I going to the store and buying a giant metal chicken just to spite my husband….and laughing hysterically the entire time!!

1947 Annie June 25, 2011 at 6:20 am

Literally crying with laughter. Crying. With laughter.

All my sympathies to your husband. But this is HYSTERICAL.

1948 THEA MR June 25, 2011 at 6:22 am

Oh my gosh… you absolutely cracked me up. I NEEDED this giant chicken story. Now I’m in search of my own giant chicken.
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1949 Amy June 25, 2011 at 6:32 am

Hysterical! Excellent laughs for a Saturday morning! Makes me wish I had purchased all the “giant chickens” I’ve contemplated buying over the years. Next time, I’m buying the offending item and leaving at the neighbors front door!
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1950 Betsy Smith June 25, 2011 at 6:55 am

I need a Victor! I am sure my blogs would be much funnier! ha ha

1951 Christy June 25, 2011 at 7:00 am

love it! I actually liquid startched and ironed my husband’s underware when he said i needed to do laundary the way his mom did.

1952 hi_desertgirl June 25, 2011 at 7:12 am

I wanted to buy some floor rugs before we move from North Carolina to Rhode Island because we will have wood floors up there and it gets COLD in the winter. My husband has been dragging his feet on getting the rugs (which were on sale at a consignment shop (NEW) $149 for a 9 x 11!!–not the highest quality, but good enough for a year) and the movers/packers just left yesterday…without rugs. I got the “I really don’t think we need rugs right now” look when I brought it back up. I think this winter when I spend $300 (minimum) on a rug or 3, they should be accompanied by a 5 foot metal chicken. Knock-knock.

1953 beth June 25, 2011 at 7:14 am

Makes my 1 foot tall metal crane in the garden seem shabby…..

1954 Ha! June 25, 2011 at 7:38 am

Also, the comments about how you must have a horrible marriage and don’t respect your husband make it even funnier! I get the feeling that this is the type of thing that keeps your marriage fun and exciting. And boy had Beyonce paid off– I am sure the increased traffic and exposure is worth far, far more than $100.

Have you ever noticed the people who say things like “you could have spent that $100 on charity” are the very ones who probably don’t themselves?

1955 Jon Gilbert June 25, 2011 at 7:52 am

Men are always bragging how big and steely our chickens are. The one time you try to “flesh out’ your husband’s fantasy, he gets upset. Go figure. We just celebrated our 15th, too — all we did was go to Niagara Falls. This was way better!

1956 Aimee June 25, 2011 at 7:53 am

@the people claiming responses would be different if the roles were reversed….let me tell you something, if my husband pulled this same thing I would DIE on the doorstep after opening the door and finding that chicken. His sense of humor would earn him the best blowjob of his life that night.

I feel so sorry for the people who are too miserable to appreciate the fun in this….and respect a marriage where the couple can actually still make each other laugh after 15 years. SMH

1957 abegweit June 25, 2011 at 7:57 am

That’s no chicken – that’s a cockerel. I would have named him “Victor”…
put him in Victor’s office…and then I would have put newly purchased
towels in every room in the house!

1958 Andi Grant June 25, 2011 at 8:09 am

what a great way to start my day….hysterical story!!

1959 Liz Campbell June 25, 2011 at 8:14 am

This is hillarious!

1960 Stephanie June 25, 2011 at 8:16 am

Towels are so much easier to fold than metal chickens. LOL!

1961 Marla June 25, 2011 at 8:26 am

My husband would be the one to get the chicken! He would like it too much! That man loves to collect things. We used to have Godzilla in my son’s room from the movie. My husband had to have it. during one of our moves the head broke off. I wasn’t too sad when we threw it away- it was ony made of card board- but it was almost 6 feet tall. I thought my son would be real hurt and my husband too. But I think they were tired od totin the thing around. NO- My husband can not see the chicken!!!!!! lol

1962 Marla June 25, 2011 at 8:37 am

I was thinking>>>>your story was funny! and the chicken in the yard would make a great conversation piece!might scare my dogs though! lol Ok maybe my husband can see the chicken!!!!!

1963 Sheila June 25, 2011 at 8:43 am

Oh wow! Filing this away for my own 15th anniversary! What a fun way to celebrate…. and win an argument. Thank you for making me laugh ’til I cried!

1964 Stacey June 25, 2011 at 8:49 am

Beyond fabulous.

Married to my own “Victor” who was horrified when I made him read it, which just then made it even funnier.
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1965 Deb June 25, 2011 at 8:52 am

I’m one of the ones guilty of posting this over-and-over on Facebook – I had to ’cause this story reminds me of so many awesome women I know who would have done the same or something similar. I still chuckle when I read it (and my fav part is “This chicken will cut you!”)… Shows me how out-of-touch I am, though, that people would be upset and offended by this story – I was shocked when a male friend of mine was concerned about the interactions between Jenny & Victor. I didn’t see that at all as I read this – I saw a couple who’ve beaten the odds in staying married for 15 years (which based on divorce statistics is pretty damn close to a miracle) and have kept their sense of humor in tact. Rare, folks. RARE. And for those who are getting on their high horse and complaining about the wasting of money – “let him who is without sin, cast the first stone”… Like you’ve never spent money on something that had no point (well, the chicken had points ) but for the value of the expression it was intended to express… Seriously? Time to stop pointing the finger towards others, people!

Jenny – thank you for sharing about yourself, your life and your marriage. You are a source of inspiration and joy to thousands. And that’s a pretty awesome impact to have on the world :)

1966 Jane June 25, 2011 at 8:58 am

Thanks, Jenny (and your beautiful family) for making the world a better place!

1967 kim June 25, 2011 at 9:02 am

hilarious!!!!!!!!

1968 Mikel June 25, 2011 at 9:07 am

there is an identical one of those chickens in the Gaylord Texan hotel at their Riverwalk Cantina restaurant. We were just there last night and my other half took a picture of it! Too funny.

BTW, loved this post!

1969 R. Doug Wicker June 25, 2011 at 9:17 am

Now THIS was one funny piece. And tell Victor I think it’s a neat-o chicken, one guy to another.

And just think what a great towel rack it’ll make in the master bath when you finally get those new towels.

1970 Maggie @ Midwestern {Sewing} Girl June 25, 2011 at 9:25 am

Holy crow (or chicken…you know, whatever) – I am laughing so hard I’m crying…I really needed a laugh like that…thank you…

Beyonce rocks…hard.

1971 John M. Cook June 25, 2011 at 9:30 am

That is some seriously funny shit. It is like a bad song you can’t get out of your head… I will be laughing about this all day. Thanks for that!

1972 kyooty June 25, 2011 at 9:34 am

You’ve gone Viral, this post has made it to atleast 20 FB shares on my friend list. :)

1973 Jill @ Mormon Surrogate June 25, 2011 at 9:37 am

Sorry, if this is a repost, wasn’t sure if my other comment went through. First time here and I think this is the funniest thing ever! I love it! :) I was seriously laughing out loud more than once. This is pure blogging entertainment.
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1974 kyooty June 25, 2011 at 9:38 am

Me again same name. :) comment 1904!!! you ROCK! :)
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1975 Polly June 25, 2011 at 9:40 am

I would have called him Clarence, because of his tag. And I think he should go in the bathroom, to be used as a towel rack. Okay, so he needs a few layers of paint or something, to avoid rust. I loved your scheme. You’ll dine out on that chicken story for years.

1976 Lisa June 25, 2011 at 9:41 am

that picture of the chicken at the door is priceless and so was Victor’s reaction…thanks for my laugh for the day!

1977 Annie June 25, 2011 at 9:48 am

Why doesn’t anyone leave me a big metal chicken? I need new friends.

1978 BCG June 25, 2011 at 9:48 am

This is so so funny! You have found MANY new followers after this hysterical post! I cried from laughing and that has not happened in a while. We all need that kind of laughter on a regular basis. You both must have been crying int the store. I would definitely pay $100 for that kind of comic relief! I have been scouring the internet and can not find a rooster/chicken this size. There is one on ebay that is 17″ tall but that just won’t do:) Can’t wait to read more!

1979 Melissa June 25, 2011 at 9:49 am

A friend shared this with me…I giggled so much I tinkled. That thar is how I know whether to follow a blog or not. Because really…there are tons and if they are not going to make you tinkle when you laugh, then they are waste of my time. I’ll be back!
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1980 Carolyn June 25, 2011 at 9:53 am

This was hysterical! It didn’t make me yearn for my own metal chicken, but it gave me a great laugh to start the day. Thanks for sharing your marriage trials. I’m just wondering if Victor bought you towels for your anniversary gift to admit his defeat…

1981 Frankie xD June 25, 2011 at 9:55 am

I will probably delete this before I post it.

I just read your entire blog. But don’t worry, it’s not so much that I’m a stalker as it is the first week of my husband being stolen by the military, and the first week I always end up doing silly things like not cleaning, reading entire blogs and living vicariously through those who purchase $100 metal chickens to taunt their spouses with. And eating chocolate. Or Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

All that to say you are fabulous, and I’m sharing your blog with all my girlfriends who have any sense of humor. And my 19 year old sister who also has RA.

PS don’t worry, my husband’s only training, he’ll be back soon and I will stalk you less. Probably. Possibly. Probably not at all.

1982 Frankie xD June 25, 2011 at 9:57 am

Crap I was waiting for the word verification, now I posted it! Oh well. That’s my life.
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1983 Brooke June 25, 2011 at 10:06 am

this is hysterical!! Beyonce is the luckiest chicken ever

1984 magpie June 25, 2011 at 10:08 am

Maybe next time Victor won’t be so “cocky” BAWWWHAAAA

1985 Sue June 25, 2011 at 10:12 am

Love it. Laughed out loud, and had to take my glasses off and wipe my eyes so that I could read it to the end. Finally…a blogger with a similar sense of humor! Thanks.

1986 Michelle June 25, 2011 at 10:12 am

Thank you, thank you, thank you! This is hilarious and made me almost pee my pants and laugh out loud! My entire family now thinks I’m more nuts than usual for laughing at the computer but, I’m in a great mood for the entire day after reading this!!

1987 Bob June 25, 2011 at 10:13 am

From now on, every whimsical spontaneous purchase – every penguin potholder, every plastic art deco-inspired lamp, aquamarine picture frame – is named Beyonce.
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1988 Marla June 25, 2011 at 10:20 am

Thank you! I’m laughing, my friends are laughing, my daughters are laughing. There is no greater gift than cheering others. You are a gift. I’ve been married 32 years pulling stunts like this. Keep it up! Thank you, again!

1989 Anonymous June 25, 2011 at 10:21 am

What a dumb purchase. I totally see Victor’s side to of it.

1990 jammin' June 25, 2011 at 10:26 am

Awesome! I had to stop reading several times due to the tears from laughter blurring my eyes!!!! LOVE IT!!!!!

1991 Judy June 25, 2011 at 10:32 am

I was driving home from Texas Tech last Sunday and actually saw 3 of those big chickens for sale between Sweetwater and Abilene. I thought who would buy one of those and where would you put it? Thanks for sharing this fun episode of your life. Loved it.

1992 fen June 25, 2011 at 10:42 am

OMG dying over this!

1993 HDCShah June 25, 2011 at 10:54 am

This thing is going to fawking ROCK with Christmas lights on it. On the front step of course.

1994 Paulla June 25, 2011 at 11:01 am

Yep, definitely viral. I’ve seen this post on several FB shares.

Officially, there’s Jenny B.C, and Jenny A.C.

I think we know what the *C* stands for.

I love you, dear woman!

1995 Trinity Serpentine June 25, 2011 at 11:08 am

Best. Story. EVAH!

1996 Poecyn June 25, 2011 at 11:10 am

I need one to go with my plastic lawn penguin

1997 spirithawk June 25, 2011 at 11:15 am

I love it. Am always finding interesting chickens to leave for my sister in inconspicuous places. Wonder how long it would take her to find a five footer…

1998 Tricia Ratliff June 25, 2011 at 11:19 am

BAAAAAHHHHAHAHAHAAAAA

I’m crying and laughing so hard that my stomach aches… so we’re posting your link on the agile arts blog and facebook to share with others – it’s only fair to share!

Our day will be all like “This chickn will cut you” and “Bok Bok mother…”

Thank you for the GREAT LAUGH!!

1999 Jenni June 25, 2011 at 11:28 am

You are my hero :) !

2000 Click1st June 25, 2011 at 11:32 am

Freakin FAB!!! I soooo need me a big metal chicken!! WTG!

2001 Cindersu June 25, 2011 at 11:49 am

ROFLMAO…serves him right!

2002 Kelly June 25, 2011 at 11:52 am

THIS made me laugh my ass off! I think what’s truly important here is your tremendous sense of humor and Victor is lucky to have you keeping him on his toes…and keeping him laughing. You funny lady…LOVE Beyonce!

2003 Expatmom June 25, 2011 at 11:59 am

I hope the UPS guy was delivering a big box of towels!

2004 Holden Merrell June 25, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Now that is what I call a gigantic cock block!

2005 Amy June 25, 2011 at 12:07 pm

This is the funniest blog post I have ever read!
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2006 Midge Carstensen June 25, 2011 at 12:10 pm

I’m still trying to think of an ‘inappropriate cock-joke’!! This is sooooo funny and reminds me of shopping with my BFF in Texas. We’ve looked very seriously at some of those BIG, metal, yard art animals and thought, “Hey, why not??”

2007 Jodi Seery June 25, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Tears are running down my face! One because it is soooo hilarious, but mostly because it just the kind of brilliant dialogue that I only true girlfriends can share. Love it!!! Truly!

2008 Jenn June 25, 2011 at 12:33 pm

I read this for the first time the day after you posted it and giggled and laughed over it the entire day – even after I shared it with friends and family…and my husband telling me he damn well better not find a 5-foot-tall chicken on the front porch OR the back porch when he got home from work. No worries – I told him it would be in the driveway waiting for him :)

Absolutely love it – you have a new reader :)

2009 Scot June 25, 2011 at 12:35 pm

Thanks that story reminds me of my aunt Sharon that we just lost, I needed that!

2010 Casey June 25, 2011 at 12:45 pm

This is priceless!

2011 La tiff June 25, 2011 at 12:46 pm

I read it twice and I laughed out loud at the same part “at least its not towels” hilarious!

2012 Lori June 25, 2011 at 12:48 pm

OMG! I have just read a woman as twisted as me. I have to do this. It’s nearly perfect in every way. Can I use Beyonce’ for my FB profile pic?

2013 TheMelloMama June 25, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Love it! I wish that i had the same level of “whimsy” that you do!

2014 Katrina @ In Katrina's Kitchen June 25, 2011 at 12:59 pm

omg I need this chicken in my life! And I need more of YOU IN MY LIFE> HILARIOUS> SImply hilarious.
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2015 Sweet June 25, 2011 at 1:08 pm

actually…I wasn’t drunk, but, my blood sugar WAS dangerously low

ps…I named mine Rigoberto Von Doodledoo…yes…THE Doodledoos

2016 MaasiBeth June 25, 2011 at 1:10 pm

You are hilarious!!! And btw, i bought the turtle and the pelican and love them! (and wasn’t drunk when purchasing them!)

2017 Chicken! June 25, 2011 at 1:12 pm

I am laughing hysterically and my husband just keeps asking me why. Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

2018 Katie F June 25, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Just wanted to thank you for the greatest Friday night we have had in a long time. My computer was passed around to five different neighborhood moms and one soon to be husband. We laughed, we cried, we peed our pants. This and a cool glass of chardonnay completed our week!

2019 Marilynne June 25, 2011 at 1:30 pm

I think your chicken is a rooster. What about some male bonding here.
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2020 Amanda June 25, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Thank you for this. I literally laughed until I cried. victor has quite the wife on his hands!
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2021 Carol June 25, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Thanks Jenny for making me laugh so hard! Two very different friends posted a link on Facebook, so I knew I had to read it. I re-posted the link and now all of my friends are reading it and laughing. You have a gift for humor — thanks for sharing it.

2022 Carrie Chastain-Little June 25, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Aaaahhhh! Sometimes men get exactly what they deserve for not seeing the world from our perspective! LOL!

2023 Holly June 25, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Fucking Hilarious. :)
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2024 Lora June 25, 2011 at 2:14 pm

That is one freaking great chicken!! I think I need one. The battle story is priceless! Men just don’t know what they are getting themselves into when they tell a woman NOT to do something!!

2025 donna June 25, 2011 at 2:17 pm

I am still laughing…OMG…too funny. You got him good!

2026 Marisa Birns June 25, 2011 at 2:18 pm

One time there was a knock at my door and when I opened it there was a ladder standing there. Wish it had been a metal chicken. I mean, this ladder had paint splatter all over it and if it had a face, am sure it would be smirking and saying something like, “I’m in tight with Jackson Pollock.”

But it never answered my questions and, now I’m thinking, it probably only spoke Renovation, and I only know English and some Esperanto I learned during a crazy night drinking sidecars with some people. Or riding in a sidecar. Don’t remember.

Anyway, the chicken is great.
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2027 Jacquie June 25, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Omg. My mom collects tasteful chickens. Everytime she gets another one, my dad says, “Not another fucking chicken!”. Everytime! I think he’s given up now ;) . I don’t think my mom would ever get that chicken, but I can only imagine my dad’s reaction if she were to!!! Awesome!!

2028 HBR June 25, 2011 at 2:28 pm

I WANT THAT CHICKEN!! I LOVE THAT CHICKEN!! Where did you get it?

2029 Kyra June 25, 2011 at 2:36 pm

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This is one funny story. Good on you! :D
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2030 Liberty June 25, 2011 at 2:52 pm

And suddenly, sales for giant metal cocks skyrocket.

Heh. Best thing I’ve read in ages.

2031 Abbey Allen June 25, 2011 at 3:12 pm

CRACKING ME UP!

2032 Kate June 25, 2011 at 3:15 pm

I have laughed so phucking hard I have tears!! This is an awesome story and one I can so totally relate to! Thanks for writing it I am signing up for your adventures! Also where can I get that chicken? My anniversary is coming up and my husband wants one! hahaa Kate

2033 Lisa P June 25, 2011 at 3:19 pm

I learned long ago to pick your battles. But this is good. Married 30 yrs

2034 Dani June 25, 2011 at 3:25 pm

The best part is when Victor informed the UPS guy that the chicken is evil. That may not be what he said, but that is what I heard. Then it reminded me of the evil chicken that Peter from Family Guy got in fights with that one episode all over the city. So now I envision that Victor looks like Peter and he is running around town yelling and trying to capture a metal chicken. Good times.
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2035 Minx Malone June 25, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Where have you been all my life? I haven’t laughed this hard in ages.

And to all the people who apparently missed the point, this is a HUMOR site. I’ve been married almost 10 years and this is exactly the kind of crazy stuff my hubs and I do to each other. It’s the reason we’re still together. If you can’t get the humor in this, you are probably not too much fun yourself.

2036 Jessica June 25, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Best. Story. Ever!

2037 Buddy Birmingham June 25, 2011 at 4:17 pm

I am jealous, I need a friend for my full sized paper mache penguin that is at my door to greet people, a present from my hubby of 25 years. Life is about laughter

2038 Lynn Lovejoy June 25, 2011 at 4:22 pm

I am crying and choking right now…that was the funniest thing i’ve read. ever.

2039 Laurie June 25, 2011 at 4:33 pm

This chicken is ART. Victor, have you no taste?

2040 Krista June 25, 2011 at 4:47 pm

ROFLMAO. Thank you!

2041 Dria June 25, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Men are all alike! My husband said the same thing as yours “What a waste of money!” No humor I tell you -

2042 Molly June 25, 2011 at 4:54 pm

I laughed really hard at this post saying to myself, “oh haha, that’s so funny, who would ever buy something like that if they weren’t drunk or making a joke?!” then i remembered that my mother has a fairly large bird sculpture made out of garden tools sitting quite un-ironically outside her front door.

as a social experiment i showed my mom a picture of your huge metal chicken without any context and now (not surprisingly) she wants one. she said its beautiful and wants to know where you got it. i wish i were lying.

2043 Marian June 25, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Best. Blog. EVER! Seriously… thanks for the much needed laughs.

2044 Lisamarie June 25, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Wow, you guys need counseling. First of all, it’s ridiculous that you would need permission to buy towels, and that he would (even jokingly) threaten physical abuse if you buy them. On the other hand, I can see why you need permission to buy things because you are clearly irresponsible with money – there are people who can’t even afford to feed their children, pay their rent, etc, and you are wasting money on a tacky piece of art for the sole purpose of very childishly get back at your husband instead of communicating like adults.

I agree with whoever said sitcoms tell us this kind of thing is normal but it is not.

2045 sweetsugarbelle June 25, 2011 at 5:22 pm

I seriously think my mom was the drunk lady. Dad got one of THESE for his birthday. Bet she paid full price too!!!
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2046 Kimberly at Rubber Chicken Madness June 25, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Holy Chicken, Batman!
I laughed until I cried and peed. I had water shooting out everywhere over that damn chicken.
So. Damn. Funny!
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2047 Karen June 25, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Victor sounds like my husband, only in Our house, it’s throw pillows. Awesome.

2048 bette June 25, 2011 at 5:43 pm

It’s 1967, I’m newly married and at a pottery show with some girlfriends. I saw a *turkey vulture peanut butter jar* for $25. I pictured my new husband’s choloric visage (who by the way is a ringer for Victor, even at 73), and after arguing with myself, didn’t buy it.

YOU, Jenny, are without regret and laughing your ass off (mine began falling off going into your third paragraph!!), whereas I am still filled with regret over not buying “my bird.” Please keep on writing your wonderful stories!

2049 kim June 25, 2011 at 5:49 pm

I LOVE that Victor looked at the chicken in “stunned silence” and just walked away! A friend sent me this link to brighten up my sucky day and it worked. Rock on.

2050 Ag June 25, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Oh ty sooo much for the laughs; I really needed that!!! My daughter emailed the link and all she wrote was “let me know what you think”.
You know your purchase truly was logical and I would be willing to wager a bet that your hubby never says “no more …. (insert anything)” in the future.
This is my first visit here and you can bet your sweet bippy that “I’ll be backkkk”.

2051 Sue June 25, 2011 at 5:52 pm

And in the coming years, whenever Victor gets in a snit over something silly like buying a few towels, all you have to do is lean over & whisper softly in his ear, “Knock, knock motherfucker!”

2052 Caitlin Schroeder June 25, 2011 at 6:02 pm

Love this! I’m studying for the bar right now, and this is the hardest I’ve laughed in four weeks! Thanks.

2053 Jenn June 25, 2011 at 6:06 pm

I’m mildly scared that you may be my clone because I nearly bought this exact same chicken, also for revenge purposes.

2054 Rachael June 25, 2011 at 6:14 pm

I just read through ALL the comments, because the insulting ones are so hilariously ignorant.
1. Who ever said it was Victor’s money?
2. What the hell ass balls is up with the “permission” thing?
3. IT’S A HUMOR BLOG, Y’ALL. Not really something that you can accurately psychoanalyse.

P.S. Congratulations on Hailey swimming!

Also, I am so intimidated by how perfect this post is that I probably have to quit my blog now.
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2055 Daave June 25, 2011 at 6:34 pm

Saw one of these yesterday in Brooklyn on sale for $1500

2056 Nan June 25, 2011 at 7:04 pm

If only the chicken had been wrapped in new bath towels!

2057 tizliz15 June 25, 2011 at 7:42 pm

Totally awesome blog!!! I love it. Everyone should have a 5-foot metal chicken.

2058 Stephanie June 25, 2011 at 7:56 pm

I keep giggling over “knock-knock, motherfucker.” I’d have come home with a carload of towels, but the big metal chicken was so much better.
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2059 Shauna June 25, 2011 at 7:58 pm

I want to be your friend.

2060 Sophie June 25, 2011 at 8:06 pm

I laughed, I cried, I peed my pants. This story is hilarious. Your giant metal chicken really puts my ceramic hen to shame. I’m going to break it right now.

2061 Terri June 25, 2011 at 8:13 pm

I laughed til I cried. My daughter sent me your link and then told me she could so see me doing this to her dad, of who I’ve been married to for 33 years. Best compliment ever! Thanks for a belly laugh!

2062 Angela June 25, 2011 at 8:15 pm

That is possibly the funniest blog I have ever read. Thank you for making me and my husband laugh together!

2063 Steve June 25, 2011 at 8:17 pm

Victor sounds like a humorless dick.

2064 j. caroline June 25, 2011 at 8:35 pm

I so wish my husband would give ME enough money to buy such a chicken. But, that also assumes he would let me leave the house.

Perhaps some are not ready for the phenom known as The Bloggess. In fairness, we should give them time to catch up.
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2065 Laurie June 25, 2011 at 8:54 pm

I think Nathan & Charlie Red are just mad their women can’t say they have 5ft cocks. They both have no sense of humor.

2066 Maggie Crandall June 25, 2011 at 9:05 pm

I love it! I want one for my hubby! Our 2nd anniversary is fast approaching, and I think a big metal chicken would make an excellent anniversary present! I’d sure as hell appreciate one if I got one!

2067 Anonymous June 25, 2011 at 9:06 pm

Good story. Good writing

2068 Michelle I June 25, 2011 at 9:06 pm

I still cannot laughing. I made my husband read it and

2069 Michelle I June 25, 2011 at 9:09 pm

So. Freakin. Funny. My husband was afraid I was hyperventilating as I laughed reading it over his shoulder (when I made him sit down to read it…did I say forced him to read it). I still can’t catch my breath when I read it over and over. Thanks for sharing!

2070 j. caroline June 25, 2011 at 9:15 pm

And, because I can’t resist, your retarded.
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2071 Lisa June 25, 2011 at 9:18 pm

When giving directions to my parents ranch I tell people to look for the big metal chick as the landmark. Apparently there is a market for big metal chickens. Who knew?

2072 Anonymous June 25, 2011 at 9:21 pm

best 15th anniversary ever? well you only have one – unless you plan on divorcing Victor sometime soon. Picking your battles carefully? If that were the case you would have realized spending money was the lesson, and you went ahead and bought a $100 piece of junk. You saved $200? More like you wasted $100. Picking your battles carefully should have been that you a) didnt react to a situation where money was involved by spending more money or b) bought towels for less than $100.

2073 Dan June 25, 2011 at 9:23 pm

best 15th anniversary ever? well you only have one – unless you plan on divorcing Victor sometime soon. Picking your battles carefully? If that were the case you would have realized spending money was the lesson, and you went ahead and bought a $100 piece of junk. You saved $200? More like you wasted $100. Picking your battles carefully should have been that you a) didnt react to a situation where money was involved by spending more money or b) bought towels for less than $100.

2074 John Brown June 25, 2011 at 9:26 pm

My wife and I have been married 20 years. This story made us laugh. HARD!!

We figure most arguments early in a marriage are over the bigger things. Where to live, what schools to send the kids to. By the time you get to 15 or 20 years, it does come down to towels.

When I asked my wife if she would have bought a metal chicken, she replied “I would have bought the towels in a color you Hate.”

2075 Lisa M June 25, 2011 at 9:36 pm

I laughed so hard, I am still crying!

2076 jerry June 25, 2011 at 9:37 pm

You go, girl!

2077 Kaessa June 25, 2011 at 9:49 pm

Your husband is a saint… mine would have killed me (not really). But that’s an awesome chicken. I was laughing so hard I had tears coming out of my eyes.

At least it’s not towels. :D

2078 Ross June 25, 2011 at 9:59 pm

A friend sent this to me after I’ve had 3 crappy days and I laughed so hard I cried. My husband wanted to know what I was laughing about after been depressed for so long and I read it to him, now he is worried that I liked this so much, hahahahaha he keeps saying 100 DOLLARS ON A METAL CHICKEN! hahahahahahahaha I’ll be back for more things to frighten him with, thank you for that

2079 Dan H. June 25, 2011 at 10:03 pm

best laugh i’ve had in a while…and i’m still laughing! Where’s the ‘like’ button on this page?

2080 Divorce in the Future June 25, 2011 at 10:05 pm

It sounds like you and your friend like to torment your husband.

If it were me, you would not be worth the effort, and divorce is in the future.

You are the type of woman that does not appreciate her husband for anything except giving you money to waste on junk.

I feel sorry for your husband,

2081 Kivi June 25, 2011 at 10:08 pm

your my hero!
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2082 Juli Hoffman June 25, 2011 at 10:10 pm

I laughed so hard I was crying!

2083 Julie the Wife June 25, 2011 at 10:45 pm

Hey Anonymous 2046 – I have $100. You have no idea who I am or the relationship betwixt me and my husband or my personal taste. Could you PLEASE give me some marriage advice and tell me how to spend my money? Base it solely on your values and what is important to you. AND? Tell me your favorite joke, you funny bastard!!
*crickets* *crickets* *crickets*

2084 Lynne June 25, 2011 at 10:53 pm

Holy crap, I cannot stop laughing. I was already in tears over “…this chicken will cut you,” then I really lost it when I saw the picture of the chicken standing at the door.
Fabulous.
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2085 Rhianna June 25, 2011 at 10:58 pm

this is hysterical! fairy wishes and butterfly kisses to you, Victor and of course your chicken
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2086 The Queer Next Door June 25, 2011 at 11:01 pm

Wow … doing a “Ctrl-F” and discovering that there are 182 *cock* occurrences in this post (and the related comments) was even too much for this homo.
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2087 betsy June 25, 2011 at 11:04 pm

I laughed so hard at this I almost pee’d. I love your sense of humor.

2088 bob June 25, 2011 at 11:33 pm

Ok, so I’m a 54-year-old guy, and my wife and I are about to celebrate our 29th anniversary in a couple of months. I’ve also read virtually every bloggess post (and most of what Jenny posts at other sites) since sometime in 2008. I loved this post, as did my wife and our daughter. I rarely comment, and I’ve held off here, but I feel compelled to respond to some of the judgmental criticisms that have been posted. I know Jenny is managing to find humor in them, but they do rather disturb me.

I have a few problems here: First is that, regardless of however much pain many people are going through in this country right now, $100 just isn’t that much money anymore. $100 is about two tenths of one percent of the annual median household income, nationwide. This means that, for half of all households in the US, this is less than a half a day’s income. Unless someone is living well beyond their means to begin with, $100 isn’t going to make or break most families’ financial well-being. Moreover, if everyone with money stops spending, because of feelings of guilt, or fear of the future, or whatever, then the economy just never gets better. Charity is good, but jobs and a healthy economy is better. If you want to help the jobless get back on their feet, go out and spend money. Now. And yes, it really does work this way.

The second problem I have is this idea that one spouse getting pissed about one little thing is an indication that the marriage is failing or likely to fail in the future. As someone married to the same person for almost three decades, I will say with some confidence that this perspective is just pathetic. Marriage is work, and it takes constant attention and true commitment to be sucessful. I have never seen a long-standing marriage absent of conflict — at least, not one that wasn’t a little creepy. Now, I have seen marriages wherein the partners rarely allow any outward sign of conflict, but if you know them well enough for long enough, eventually the guard comes down and the disagreements and disappointments start to show through.

Perhaps this is the real “sin” that Jenny commited: Being so open as to let the world see their conflict. But trust me: Especailly if both partners are comfortable with it, this is healthy. And Jenny has been reporting these little spats with Victor (often, I expect, somewhat fictionalized) for years. If Victor had a problem with it, I very much doubt she’d still be doing this. A well-developed sense of humor is another one of those things that helps a marriage survive.

2089 Trixie June 25, 2011 at 11:41 pm
2090 Jen R June 26, 2011 at 12:06 am

I just laughed so loud that I think I woke up my kids. Funniest chicken EVER!!!!
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2091 Debra June 26, 2011 at 12:14 am

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Your front door photo is gold. I will picture it every time I’m feeling upset. Sure cure! You rock, Sister!

2092 donna June 26, 2011 at 12:16 am

omg–love it
think of the possibilities—–a santa hat a x-mas, tail feathers at thanksgiving, rabbit ears, and oh my a pumpkin mask !!! This is the gift that keeps on giving all year long

2093 bschooled June 26, 2011 at 12:20 am

“And in spite of my vagina I’ve even had years when I’ve made more than him.”

I think I just tore my hymen (again) from laughing so hard.

I know some women who would argue that it was “because of” their vagina. In fact, they’re working on the street across from my apartment building right now…

2094 The Cool Mom June 26, 2011 at 12:56 am

I think you are pretty awesome and the kind of person I’d hand with! :) For those who are giving you crap about it – they totally have NO sense of humor and it is YOUR business what you do with your money – buying 5′ chickens or giving to charity – certainly not theirs. If people can’t take a joke and laugh a little what good are they?? I thought it was awesome and the next time maybe he won’t be so opinionated and demanding in what you buy or don’t buy. Marriage is suppose to be 50/50 – most of the time anyway. If you both get along and do funny stuff like this and haven’t divorced by now or killed each other then no one has the right to say anything. I got a huge kick out of it. My husband would totally expect me to do something so random like that. He knows not to tell me to ‘not’ to do something. Simply doesn’t not work! You keep up the good work! I’m glad someone posted this on Facebook – soooo good! :) Now I can go to sleep peacefully!!
RMK

2095 Atroxe June 26, 2011 at 1:03 am

This proves once again that women are capitalism’s useful idiots.

2096 Leila (Don't Speak Whinese) June 26, 2011 at 1:03 am

I keep coming back to this post because its hilarious. The banter between you and Victor, to me, is very comforting that there are two other sick and twisted individuals that would get a damn good laugh out of harassing the shit out of each other. I’d do that. My friends love me for it ;)

The negative comments that claim to sum up flaws in your marriage and most even say that you are headed for divorce actually shocked me. They based their assumptions on something that was meant to be funny. But, humor is the root of all evil in a marriage apparently!

The negative commenter obviously…

A) Is the epitome of perfection in all relationships. I bet they were picked first for every team, always got the girl and helps little old ladies cross the street. They are the perfect all american commenter we all wish we could be like. They are just that effin cool.
B) Does not like big cocks
C) Feels that a successful and happy marriage is based only on total obedience and void of sarcasm, banter and laughter
D) Has cock envy
E) Probably doesn’t understand the sarcasm in this comment
F) Will probably now jump to my blog and leave me an insightful negative comment on how I suck at life because I don’t whine and laugh too much.
G) All of the above

I vote for G!

Either way if a happy marriage is based on total obedience and being void of any fun, laughter, sarcasm and banter then I relish in the fact I’m a single Mom!
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2097 Rachel Y. June 26, 2011 at 1:04 am

Okay, seriously people? You complain that Jenny wasted $100 on a chicken which she purchased because she found it full of whimsy? You claim that the issue is that she ‘wasted’ $100? Yeah? Well, go picket the BMW dealership. Stand in the chips aisle of the grocery store. Sneer at people at the mall. Go find stores selling metal chickens or pedeggs or silk men’s shirts or personalized bowling balls and yell at the managers because they are selling things that are a waste of money. A lot of people spend $100 on something YOU don’t approve. Does it hit your pocketbook? NO. It’s HER money to spend. So it’s NOYB. NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS how she chooses to spend her money! People don’t have to take into account YOUR financial situation before they decide how to spend their own money. Your Mama should have taught you it don’t work that way!
The commenter who said that it’s about the haves and have-nots… well, you’re right. But it’s a fact of life that some will have more and some less than you. You only have one life so look at yourself, not others. Everywhere you look you will find those more and those less fortunate than you. Jenny works for what she has. And sometimes between the hilarious posts you will see one about how she went to the emergency room in intractable pain from her crippling arthritis. Or you will see a post about all the miscarriages she suffered. Or her battles with depression and anxiety. Her life is not all sunshine and silly shopping trips. But if she can afford $100 to spend on a yard decoration which she loves, that’s her decision. You have been given your own life with its challenges and its rewards. Don’t look at what others have and envy them. Jenny worked hard to raise that money for charity. She put in long hours matching up donors and recipients. It didn’t come free or easy to her, either. You assume far too much. Instead of deciding that she must have had an easy time raising $42,000 because you perceive her to be privileged, try to raise $4200, yourself, for charity.
For those who feel sorry for Victor, have you ever heard of the concept of a ‘straight man’ in comedic writing? That’s who Victor is. He’s the straight man. It wouldn’t be funny for her to go out and buy a metal chicken if she didn’t have him to react. If she just took it home and used it to hold the towels, we would all click away from the blog. There may be some hyperbole added to the blog for comedic effect. That’s how she sells ads, which allow her to buy wine slushies and met…. oh, never mind.
Which leads to the final point. If this blog is not your cup of tea? You know how to click away! We’re not all alike so please exercise your immense powers to redirect your browser to asseenontv.com or whatever makes you feel right at home.
Where the hell is Nancy Kappes, paralegal, when you need her? She’d tear these people a new asshole. Bless you Nancy, and R.I.P.

2098 chris June 26, 2011 at 2:15 am

Wow…what a selfish bitch! I guess the next time she told Victor not to stay out too late with the guys, she would find it funny if he came home early with a crackhead on the front door.

2099 Julia June 26, 2011 at 2:19 am

Happy Anniversary for July 4th, we too celebrated our 15th anniversary this year (we thought it ironic to lose our independence that day). Sadly I don’t think I could top that gift for my hubby but you have given me some ideas, and some thoughts on my next shopping trip lol.

2100 Kara June 26, 2011 at 2:23 am

The huge chicken out the front door is so funny, but It would scare me if it was waiting at my front door lol
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2101 Iona Mcavoy June 26, 2011 at 2:38 am

Laughter is what keeps the insane world from tearing us down. I’m pretty sure that theis metal chicken has earned its right to stand proud in having made many people laugh and giggle, and its just begun.
now, as a fellow resident of houston who has an annual flamingo fest duirngth e lights in THE Heights it is second SAT in December, so there is time for us to help beyonce find something fun to wear! :_) Iona McAvoy

2102 Liz Scherotter June 26, 2011 at 4:31 am

It’s 3:31 am- I cant sleep and I just read your post.
You are seriously fucking hilarious.

2103 Steele June 26, 2011 at 5:20 am

I have never laughed so hard

2104 Geo C June 26, 2011 at 5:29 am

I thought this was an absolutely HILARIOUS story!
I did not read through ALL of the comments, but I read the first couple and then the last couple …. I find it hard to believe that ANYONE took offense to this story and/or tried to give you ‘marital advice’.
I found both Leila & Rachel’s comments to be right on …..
A marriage without ‘give & take’, that is totally devoid of humor, is a boring existence. Trust me … I KNOW.
GOOD FOR YOU Ms. Blogess!
(“Dude, nice chicken”)
15 YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS!

2105 jab June 26, 2011 at 6:15 am

The lesson here for your husband isn’t that he needs to pick his battles more carefully, but that he needs to seriously consider divorcing your crazy ass.

2106 BrandiJo1217 June 26, 2011 at 6:39 am

This is one of the greatest posts with cock referrals that i have ever read! bwhahaha!

I love the Home Goods store – they have a seemingly large selection of ugly chicken/rooster items at any given time. I venture there to buy my sister’s presents as she collects those things and the last thing I bought for her was a 4 foot wide by 3 foot tall wire rooster that is an outside patio table….it’s like Jenny and I live parallel lives or something….:)

2107 Caitlin June 26, 2011 at 6:46 am

This is hilarious. I was kinda wondering, What store was that?

2108 Nanclyn June 26, 2011 at 7:15 am

What a hoot! I am dying to know if your friend Laura is my Texas daughter Laura. It sound like something she would do…especially if you to the bird home and she didn’t have it haning around her grayhounds.!
Sooooooo funny.

2109 Gayle Lin June 26, 2011 at 7:16 am

I have a neighbor who has a life sized metal moose in her yard. I wonder if she’d have it if her husband were still alive.
This is hilarious!

2110 Rebecca Banks June 26, 2011 at 7:17 am

That is AWESOME!!! I LOVE Beyonce, and I want one!!!!

2111 Heather June 26, 2011 at 7:22 am

Thank you for the best laugh I’ve had in weeks!!!!!!!

2112 Anonymous June 26, 2011 at 7:40 am

Thanks for the chuckles this morn I really needed that! P.s. I love the foul language makes me laugh even more (cuz it sounds like me) ;)

2113 Karen Cunningham June 26, 2011 at 7:46 am

Without a sense of humor – life is dull….Thanks you made me cry laughing :)

2114 Valerie June 26, 2011 at 7:52 am

I have not laughed this hard in a while! My husband was going right along with me.

2115 momma June 26, 2011 at 7:55 am

Love this story! It`s nice to see that other couples share the same sense of humor that hubby and I have. I sent this to hubby,and he laughed and laughed.

Then he proceeded to tell me that 14 years (our next anniversary) is towels, not big metal chickens.

2116 Jill/Twipply Skwood June 26, 2011 at 8:01 am

Oh I LOVE those!!!! I actually (unsuccessfully) campaigned for one myself! I probably should have gone the surprise chicken ringing the doorbell route…
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2117 GiantChicken June 26, 2011 at 8:08 am

I love the log on Beyonce’s feet. Great tale – LOVE it!

2118 Cynthia Eden June 26, 2011 at 8:45 am

This was just awesome. Now I’m incredibly jealous and want that chicken.

2119 roxie June 26, 2011 at 8:56 am

This is one of the funniest stories I have read in a while. It sounds like something I would do. I think my husband learned a long time ago it is best to NOT try and tell me to not do something. :D

2120 Linda June 26, 2011 at 8:59 am

I seriously want that chicken! Please share where you found him!

2121 Sue June 26, 2011 at 9:03 am

OMG – I have never laughed so hard on a Sunday morning. Tears are streaming down my face! A friend of mine posted your blog on Facebook – I am now a totally devoted fan.
Dude, Nice Chicken.

2122 Amanda June 26, 2011 at 9:04 am

That is the most awesome ‘yard art’ I’ve ever seen. Have been laughing my A$$ of w/eyes filled w/tears for 5 minutes. Men are just not equipped for that type of threat. Also the towels would have cost more. LMAO

2123 Sue June 26, 2011 at 9:04 am

And I’ll be happy to send a dollar and a towel, too! :-)

2124 Mikeporterinmd June 26, 2011 at 9:14 am

I wonder if a giant, 5′ metal bird will show up on Google Earth? Making Victor’s gift cock visible from space?
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2125 Joe June 26, 2011 at 9:14 am

Maybe you should try living a life where you actually have to watch your money only being able to buy things you can afford, think of everyone out there and what they could do with that $100. Oh and your right picking your battles is correct but your the one who picked a battle over a bath towel why? Because you can’t handle Victor being right, you don’t actually need new bath towels?

2126 Brooke Farmer June 26, 2011 at 9:16 am

The funniest part about this post is the fact that there are actually people who think you have stayed married for more than three and a half minutes to a man who doesn’t get your sense of humor. People are fucking daft. And I love it. I hope to someday piss off this many people in an equally ridiculous way.
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2127 Boom Boom Larew June 26, 2011 at 9:20 am

With over 2000 comments already, you hardly need mine, but I can’t help myself… I bow to your awesomeness!
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2128 JamericanSpice June 26, 2011 at 9:20 am

Now this is definitely a Sunday read! lol Love it!
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2129 Carmen June 26, 2011 at 9:21 am

Now that is some funny shit right there! I haven’t stopped laughing. I happen to get this blog from a girlfriend of mine, and have been down since my boyfriend shipped out for Army training in Missouri on Wednesday. Thanks for the laugh, I SO needed it! :)

2130 h June 26, 2011 at 9:24 am

I just choked on cottage cheese b/c I was laughing so hard.

2131 Lori June 26, 2011 at 9:31 am

We (my sister and I) read this to my brother-in-law. He didn’t find it funny at all. Which, of course, made it all the more hysterical.

2132 Mike D June 26, 2011 at 9:41 am

Dang. Why’d it have to be the 15 year mark. If it was 20 I cold totally use this as a reason to get a 5 foot chicken for my wife in a couple years.

For perspective I’d love to see a version of this from Victor’s side. I can see him sitting at a bar telling his buds (I picture him having buds, multiple) telling them all about it.

“I just said I didn’t like the pink towels and she brought home this !@#$%^& chicken. I think she may be mentally disturbed”

bud#1: “But she’s good in bed, right?”

Victor: “True”

Conversation over.

2133 Elizabeth June 26, 2011 at 9:42 am

A friend of mine shared this with me on FB and I could not stop laughing. This is something I would do! Thank you for the hystarical story, and possible future idea:) My husband has “banned” me from buying baskets…
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2134 TheKittellian June 26, 2011 at 9:43 am

Where are your ads? I want to click on them to reward you with 2 cents for writing this gem. Make that goddamn chicken pay for itself already.

2135 Melissa Cohen June 26, 2011 at 9:48 am

This is beyond fabulous! I loved it!

2136 Colleen June 26, 2011 at 10:09 am

What people need to remember is that as bloggers, we tell stories… plain and simple. Writing our stories is a small reflection of who we are… not the whole picture. Our readers don’t ‘know us’ just because they are a fan or a follower. Our families… friends… they’re the ones who know us and support us and from the small bit Jenny has shared about her marriage to Victor… there’s a lot of love, laughter and mutual respect between both of them. The writing… that’s just for fun… to make you laugh or think. Certainly bloggers put themselves “out there” and it draws criticism at times… but lets not forget that Jenny just wrote a funny story… that’s it anad that’s all. And… i’m pretty sure she wrote it with the support of her husband… knowing her humor and silliness as well as he does.

Thanks Jenny for showing me the ‘lighter side of life’, for making me laugh until my sides hurt, for proving that all of my self consciousness and fears are “normal”, for teaching me that as bloggers we really can make a difference in the lives of so many (proven countless times by the money you’ve raised for your readers).

Most importantly… thank you for the personal email when the man I was married to turned out to be a Giant Cock… your silly stories and inspiring journey really has gotten me through some of my very worst days.

I don’t claim to begin to know you… but I definitely consider you a friend.

2137 Kim Norstedt June 26, 2011 at 10:24 am

I wish I knew you personally…You are my kind of girl. This made me laugh out loud, thanks!

2138 Adele June 26, 2011 at 10:36 am

This had me laughing so hard, I am actually crying. so wonderful

2139 Valkyrie June 26, 2011 at 10:50 am

A friend of mine sent me the link to this posting …. and O.M.F.G!!!! Just hilarious!! Your husband is seriously lacking in the humor department, isn’t he? Poor thing…..

But you are PRICELESS!!! Thanks for this!

2140 TheresaJ June 26, 2011 at 10:55 am

Hysterically funny! I nearly fell out of my chair when I read the caption, knock-knock, motherfucker, and I keep returning to re-read it and it continues to have the same affect. Bravo!
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2141 Mary June 26, 2011 at 10:58 am

I HEART you.

2142 glenyce June 26, 2011 at 11:14 am

WE ALL NEED METAL CHICKENS!!!!thanks for the laugh

2143 Lainey June 26, 2011 at 11:21 am

Thank you for such a great laugh first thing this morning! If I had a hubby I would buy him a huge chicken as well! You are hilarious. Now if you could animate the chicken on a sensor – imagine the possibilities! Like the robot in Lost in Space! “Good morning Victor” every time he comes outside! teehee
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2144 chris odt June 26, 2011 at 11:28 am

my chicken is only 2 ft tall…..i am jealous, very very jealous…….

and the husband who cant laugh?……think about that.

2145 gpr June 26, 2011 at 11:56 am

Normally a guy gets a blowjob on the anniversary.

Granted, it’s not as enthusiastice as when you were dating, nor do they swallow as much, but it’s the thought that counts.

2146 Viki Twyman June 26, 2011 at 11:57 am

Thank you so much for giving me a wonderful laugh this morning!!! I was laughing so hard and just could not stop!!
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2147 Angie June 26, 2011 at 12:06 pm

I have read this post at least 10 times and to all of my friends and am still laughing hysterically. I NEED one of these chickens.

2148 watercolor June 26, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Oh Jenny! There is a place in the French Quarter in New Orleans that sells OTHER ANIMALS!! I have a lime green flying pig with yellow wings!! Granted mine is only a foot tall, but I think they had bigger ones!!!!!!!!!
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2149 Kathyd June 26, 2011 at 12:12 pm

This was so funny I laughed so hard my bladder stimulator turned off. This chicken is going to be famous. I don’t know where you live but you would be a very fun friend..

2150 Polly June 26, 2011 at 12:43 pm

hahahha, that was the first laugh I had today! I sure wish I had a giant chicken. The second best laugh of the day came when reading the comment by June above. She was all sanctimonious about the disrespecting marriage and then wound up the comment by saying “the day i spend 100$ on something so wasteful, is the day I give up my right to be a parent.” The pure douchyness of lecturing someone else on marriage, coupled with the self-righteousness of parenthood made this comment hysterical.

2151 Sciura June 26, 2011 at 12:50 pm

I find it hilarious how many new people feel qualified to comment on the state of your marriage based on this one post. Then I imagined teleporting Beyoncé in front of their doors and couldn´t stop laughing. Knock knock, motherfuckers.

2152 Ellen June 26, 2011 at 1:15 pm

Thanks for posting this1 i have forwarded it to everyone I know!

2153 donna Walsh June 26, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Just when you think you heard it all another wonderful story comes along. Thank you for such a great laugh.

2154 donna Walsh June 26, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Just when you think you heard it all another wonderful story comes along. Thank you for such a great laugh.

2155 cjy June 26, 2011 at 1:27 pm

I want one of them god damn chickens

2156 mom2boys June 26, 2011 at 1:27 pm

this was just the best!!!

2157 Rebecca June 26, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Laughing so hard I scared my kids….have tears in my eyes and my sides hurt! THANKS FOR MAKING MY DAY!!!! (and giving me possible gift ideas!)

2158 Catherine June 26, 2011 at 1:42 pm

A friend at my book club (who has the BEST sense of humor) recommended this blog to me yesterday. I just read this post and laughed so hard I cried. LOVE your sense of humor. Thanks for sharing. I have NO desire for a 5ft chicken, but I sure do like the story.
Thanks for making my day.
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2159 MelBeau June 26, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Best. Chicken Story. Ever.

2160 Mia June 26, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Oh sweet Beyonce. x D
That.
Was.
Hilarious.
Thank you for both making me nearly choke to death in laughter, and inspiring me to just live a little. Because I think everyone needs their own five foot metal chicken named Beyonce in their life.

2161 yolanda June 26, 2011 at 1:55 pm

I think that’ll teach Victor not to tell you what u can and can not buy…maybe next time he will be careful with the battles and demands he choses…lol

2162 Kate June 26, 2011 at 2:09 pm

You ROCK Jenny!!! I needed a laugh today as my hubby and I have been disagreeing lately and wish I could find a big chicken for him just to make the point.

2163 leslie (crookedstamper) June 26, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Awesome. OMG, my sides hurt from laughing. *wipes tears* Totally hysterical!
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2164 Rachel June 26, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Love! I actually have a peacock just like it. His name is Petey :)

2165 Susan Mavro June 26, 2011 at 2:20 pm

I was presuming that your title was saying “Lesson to self – learn to pick your battles” But Noooo! Crabby, towel-purchase-denying husband needs to pick HIS battles!!! Excellent!!! INDEED – OTHER people need to LEARN that lesson, uh-huh, yeah, that’s what I said!

2166 Sarah June 26, 2011 at 2:40 pm

So I decided to read this to my husband and at the very beginning he was all, “towels are towels” to which I responded by going to the bathroom and grabbing a bath towel and beach towel. I came back and said, “observe the absorbency of this bath towel.” He did and agreed it was very nice. Then I said, “now observe the non-absorbency of this beach towel.” After seeing the difference he understood why you have one of each. XD

Also, very awesome post. I was cautioned to not present a 5ft chicken for our 15th anniversary, but I have a feeling this is going to be one of those times I conveniently forget. XD

2167 Piper June 26, 2011 at 2:41 pm

This reminds me of the time that I blogged about my husband telling me not to buy towels. Of course instead of going out and buying a big, metal man-chicken, I canceled my shopping trip. THen I got out my needle and thread and repatched and rehemmed all our towels. Later I made my husband a pot-pie and told him how it was the best day ever. The funny thing is, nobody read my blog post.

2168 DocACT June 26, 2011 at 2:49 pm

My mom sent this to me in an e-mail after she and my dad read it. My dad almost busted a gut and they have been married for over 30 years. People are ignorant and silly with their mean sexist comments. I never comment on blogs, but I wanted to say thanks in a time that i have been feeling down and full of anxiety, this humor made my day. (And my best friend and I would totally have done the same thing!) I will continue to read your blog.

2169 JAN 58 AND YOUNG June 26, 2011 at 2:51 pm

PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHERE THIS STORE IS – I HAVE TO HAVE ONE FOR MY GARDEN. MY NEIGHBOR NEXT DOOR HAS A MONKEY HANGING IN MY TREE THAT IS ON HIS SIDE OF THE FENCE AND I WANT THE GIANT CHICKEN (ROOSTER) TO FACE HIS POOL!

2170 Faye June 26, 2011 at 2:55 pm

Now, all you need to purchase is a big metal egg — think of Victor’s face the first time someone asks him, “What came first, the chicken or the egg”???? Gotta love it!

2171 Abbe June 26, 2011 at 3:04 pm

Someone forwarded this to me and you are a hoot! The tears are streaming and I’ll now forward this to my “Victor” to gauge his reaction.

2172 Dragonus June 26, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Sounds like you enjoy playing abusive mind games. Two can play that game. Spending money uncontrollably will irritate MOST sensible people. Be glad you have Victor. At the minimum, I would have chained you to the chicken and looked at you suffer for awhile out the window. If that didn’t work, then you might have found yourself impaled by the overly sharp chicken during the night when I was getting up to get a drink of water. Then during the investigation I would site the facts that the chicken is clearly unstable, even having evidence from the clerk who had trouble with the thing in the store, just like you were for buying the chicken and wanting it in the bedroom. Everyone can be replaced, even a mentally unstable wife who likes to push things too far.

Of course, before getting to that point, I would have left long ago and avoided this kind of behavior. I would have found someone more compatible and less mental. But to each their own.

2173 Michelle G June 26, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Jenny, I have read your blog for a very long time now. I have laughed, cried, and thought about life with you. However, this is the BEST. DAMN. POST. EVER.

2174 Lynne June 26, 2011 at 4:00 pm

This is the funniest thing I’ve read in ages.

I MUST have a giant chicken.

2175 Sharon H June 26, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Hilarious story. It’s like a scene out of one Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum novels which I love, btw. And the photo of a five foot tall rooster ringing the doorbell is awesome.

2176 Janel June 26, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Hilarious blog post. One of your best, Jenny.

I wonder if the owner of the business where you purchased the chicken/rooster/cock agrees that spending a $100 in her store was wasteful? I’m sure when she’s doing her payroll or paying her electric bill, she was cursing that extra $100 and wishing all those frivolous spendthrifts would stop patronizing her store. Jeez. Who needs them anyway?

2177 Liz June 26, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Please, please, fix it so you can hang hot pink beach towels from the chicken. So Beyonce becomes a giant-chicken-towel-butler.

2178 diane June 26, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Pretty much the best chicken story I’ve read all week.

2179 des June 26, 2011 at 4:37 pm

OK. The few men that commented are really pissed off because you made Victor look like a sap. But to the Victor goes the spoils, and that would be you and your metal chicken. If my wife brought home a 5′ metal chicken, I would name it Foghorn Leghorn, after my favorite cartoon character, and I would plant it on our front lawn so all the neighbors and passers by could see it, and wonder WTF is wrong with those people. Obviously, you are ashamed of your chicken, because you planted it BEHIND your house, among some bushes, where only Victor can see it. Why don’t you man up and put it on the front lawn, where it belongs.

2180 Beth June 26, 2011 at 4:38 pm

AWESOME.

2181 Jessica June 26, 2011 at 4:39 pm

It’s official. I’ll be on the hunt for a 5-foot chicken now. I must do this to everyone in my neighborhood – although I think I should find something a bit lighter and sturdier…or maybe I’ll create my own!

If only…

2182 Heather June 26, 2011 at 4:50 pm

I love this. I totally want a metal chicken now.

2183 Flock Mistress June 26, 2011 at 5:00 pm

OMG, not only is this hilarious, but I totally would have brought the rooster home too. If you really want to get rid of it and are in the Bay Area, shoot me an email.

2184 Theresa June 26, 2011 at 5:02 pm

What did you you get him for your 3rd year anniversary? I was thinking of getting my hubby a little rubber chicken to start small. For 15 years, that is the best gift ever.
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2185 Grammy E June 26, 2011 at 5:24 pm

I love it. That is the best news I have heard in years. I can not stop laughing. This was priceless. You got more than your moneys worth. :) Have a great day.
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2186 lisa June 26, 2011 at 5:44 pm

i can’t stop laughing!

2187 Julien June 26, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Too freakin funny. You know the poor guy is never going to hear the end of it or stop getting chicken gifts for the next 20 years. That’ll teach him to not let you buy towels next time! I once tortured my husband with a big ass heavey 40 pound wooden carved monkey that I made him drag all over Africa so could have it in my office. That poor guy still hate monkies to this day.

Love your blogs!

2188 lisa June 26, 2011 at 5:47 pm

wow @Dragonus, lame!!!!!!! relax

2189 sarina June 26, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Wow. If this many people are pissed off about a chicken what must they think of the soon to be saint James Garfield?

2190 Myself June 26, 2011 at 6:22 pm

Hysterical! And I’m a chicken fanatic too. Too bad she ruined the entire thing with all the “and I was all like this” and “she was all that” and “Victor was all like”. You had a great story, spoiled in large part by the telling. Just leave out the vernacular next time. Oh, “vernacular” means “stupid trendy crap that people use to describe normal things”.

2191 Caitlin June 26, 2011 at 6:27 pm

I literally just died laughing. that chicken at the door picture almost killed me. Hilarious.

2192 Samantha June 26, 2011 at 6:36 pm

I found a link to this post on Twitter, and oh my gosh. I love you. I wish I had a husband to tease XD
Also I love the name Victor. Just throwing that out there.
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2193 Lis June 26, 2011 at 6:37 pm

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

2194 Old Babe June 26, 2011 at 6:39 pm

The photo by the door’s hilarious! And I LOVE your wit! This is my first time reading your blog but I did note that Bloggess rhymes with Goddess – how apropo!

2195 Samantha June 26, 2011 at 6:46 pm

I love it! I showed it to my husband, and 2 days later told him we needed new towels. He sighed and said “Well, at least its not a chicken” :)
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2196 ChristineMarie June 26, 2011 at 7:18 pm

I’ve already commented, but I had to come back and tell you that I have read this at least once a day because it makes me laugh out loud every freaking time. I was near Home Goods the other day and the urge to go in and hunt for a chicken was damn near uncontrollable.
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2197 Cassie June 26, 2011 at 7:36 pm

OMG!!!!!! I am legit laughing uncontrollably over this! Beyonce the chicken? A big metal chicken!?!?!?! Hhah, I hope this is my life when I’m married one day!
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2198 Cindy W June 26, 2011 at 7:51 pm

Thank you for this post. I laughed throughout and am now going to find you on twitter. Seriously. Funny.

2199 ciara June 26, 2011 at 7:59 pm

I found and purchased a big metal chicken!! My best friend suffered a personal loss recently and I haven’t seen her really just laugh since then. We are sharing custody of our chicken, whom we named Maybelle. Thank you so much for making us laugh, even when we didn’t think we could!

2200 Jeanette Rothenbeck June 26, 2011 at 8:00 pm

I’ve been married 36 yrs and never came across a metal 5′ chicken! I’m gonna look for one before the 37th anniv. so i can present “him” with the best anniversary present anyone could give! i have rubber chickens which I hung from a string in the stairway of our bedroom but a metal 5′ chicken is the ultimate!
You Rock!! :)

2201 jenna June 26, 2011 at 8:08 pm

I am quite certain this is the funniest blog post in existence. You’re amazing.

2202 Eilonwy June 26, 2011 at 8:21 pm
2203 LS June 26, 2011 at 8:23 pm

I can’t believe how many people are freaking out over spending $100 on something. It’s 100 bucks. It’s not like she sold her house to buy lawn art and then had no yard to put it in because it was sold like some fucked-up Gift of the Magi scenario. People have the right to spend their money on whatever they see fit to spend it on. And if I could find a 5-foot frog in my neck of the woods, that sucker would be mine, even if $200 of it wasn’t free.
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2204 Amy June 26, 2011 at 8:31 pm

Is your husband’s name really Victor? Because that’s a great name for a bloggess’s husband. Much funnier than if his name were Chris, Tom, or Sam. (or Bob, Dave, Justin, Jason, Blaine, etc.)

And… maybe I’m old and traditional, but I would never stand for any interference in my linen closet affairs from a husband. Husbands do not get to have an opinion about any kind of towels except shop towels. Shop towels stay in the shop, and are not allowed in the house.

These younger guys who can be depended on to turn the oven down to 350 in 30 minutes, and who wash dishes, have their good points, but a husband (who I assume is a straight man) has NO BUSINESS even BRINGING UP the subject of towels much less expressing an opinion about the timeline of purchasing them. They can say they like bath sheets better than regular size bath towels if that opinion is solicited by their wife but they are not permitted to give any unsolicited preference of color or any other towel attribute.

Same thing for sheets, pillowcases, blankets, duvet covers, quilts, bedspreads, dust ruffles, pillow shams, and throws. Curtains, tablecloths, and placemats also follow the linen closet rule: Husbands butt out, this stuff is none of your business.

Yes, I have a husband, same one since 1981. He says he likes high thread count 100% cotton sateen sheets but only when asked. He has slept on solid colors, (colors my choice) and dainty florals without complaint or remark of any kind, which is just as it should be.
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2205 LA June 26, 2011 at 8:39 pm

O. My. Gosh. Absolutely the most hilarious things i’ve seen in months. Was linked from my best friend’s FB page. And the whole time i was reading I could envision us totally having the same conversation and loading that big-ass chicken in my truck. The doorbell pic was a surprise however and I laughed and cried uncontrollably…..the pieces of wood across her feet to keep her from tipping over sent me over the edge…lol…what a great end to the weekend. AND I love the idea of making beyonce a towel rack!!! You’ll have to supply more pics of beyonce’ along to let us know what she’s up to…lol. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

2206 Rob Fluhr June 26, 2011 at 8:51 pm

Funniest damn thing I’ve read in a long time. “Knock-knock, motherfucker”…freaking classic. Totally can picture my wife and I having this same scenario happen to us and appreciate that other people are as crazy as us.

2207 Anonymous June 26, 2011 at 8:58 pm

Too funny!! I have a different metal chicken that drives my husband nuts too and thats why we still have him. I call him “art” cause he is a work of art. :) My husband has even heard women he works with talking about buying chickens for decorating their home with. He cant get away from the “chicken.”. Lol

2208 Loren June 26, 2011 at 9:02 pm

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR. I am still pissing myself. Funniest shit I’ve read online in…EVER. And my husband even agreed even though he was CRANK.EEEE because I woke him with my choking gasps as I read this. (He was concerned that I was “in danger.”) Truly, stupendously and awesomely funny.

2209 Shell June 26, 2011 at 9:08 pm

Damn- I was totally unaware that the 15th anniversary was giant metal chickens. I’m totally missing out!
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2210 Laura Ivy June 26, 2011 at 9:33 pm

After I just celebrated and blogged about my 4th wedding anniversary, my husband’s stepmother passed this blog on to me so I could read a very different anniversary story. Hilarious. I’m hooked. Note to self: 15th anniversary is giant metal chicken.
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2211 Jennyred June 26, 2011 at 9:42 pm

OMG I’d love to meet you or even shop with you….I laughed so hard….My friend send me this and said it’s me all over and yes I would have got the chicken but hide the towels

2212 Kate June 26, 2011 at 9:44 pm

Absolutely pissing myself laughing at work whilst reading this, well done! :D
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2213 Elizabeth Yeager June 26, 2011 at 10:04 pm

I really needed a good laugh and I got one full-on with tears. Thank you!!!!

2214 katiedidn't do it June 26, 2011 at 10:34 pm

this is pure greatness!

2215 Jen June 26, 2011 at 10:35 pm

This was the funniest f&cking thing I read all week. I started wheezing from laughing so hard at the “Knock, knock motherf&cker” photo caption. O.M.G.
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2216 no June 26, 2011 at 10:53 pm

If it was me, you’d be alone with the chicken.

2217 Bethany June 26, 2011 at 11:18 pm

Perspective. Now Victor has it.

I also love how many people have accused you of wasting ‘his’ money. Even if he is the only income-earner in the household, it’s still YOUR money. If you stay home, cook, clean, raise a child, and have sex with Victor, then you work too. If he was paying somebody to do all those things for him, I’m pretty sure the bill would far exceed the $100 you spent. I’m not saying this for Victor’s benefit, since he seems like a really cool guy, but for the benefit of those who think a woman who stays home doesn’t work and therefore has no right to the bank account. Which isn’t even the case for you, since you DO work, and damn hard by the looks of things.

You are awesome. Never stop being you.

2218 Mary F June 26, 2011 at 11:19 pm

Crazy delightful sense of humour …. the chicken is just so outrageous it has me thinking that it should have a set of adventures… akin to the postcards of the stolen garden gnomes in Europe etc!!!! Keep on writing… this is great stuff!

2219 Julie June 26, 2011 at 11:24 pm

This is the funniest blog post I have read in forever…Sisterhood of the Travelling Chicken, anyone?

2220 Julie June 26, 2011 at 11:31 pm

Wow…I just realized you write for the Chronicle and live in the same area as me! You should definately Travel that Chicken!!
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2221 Bethany June 26, 2011 at 11:39 pm

And @ Rachel Y. (#2092)

AMEN!!! If Nancy could see this, this post would have been 1000% better than it is, and it is 1000% better than any post I have ever read. That would be like…I don’t know, a metric shit-ton of amazing. I’m bad at math. But just think: Knock-knock Motherfucker meets Carry On, Motherfucker. Jenny’s servers would have just imploded from the sheer awesomeness.

2222 Seriously? June 27, 2011 at 12:09 am

This post was hilarious, but what’s even more laughable are the ridiculous comments. I bet when you posted this you didn’t expect the handfuls of unwarranted marriage advice? After reading a number of your posts, I’m assuming Victor knew what he was getting into when he married you (good man.) You don’t take yourself too seriously, which is a quality some of the commenters on this post need to adopt. Your husband doesn’t seem like the kind of man who would harbor “resentment” over a damn chicken, and you, or any woman for that matter, shouldn’t feel the need to stroke your husband’s ego because you happen to be blessed with one hell of a sense of humor. So basically what I’m saying is, your zest for life is admirable. You’re not a “man basher” or a bad wife. To hell with the haters.. they can marinate in their resentment and enjoy the stick up their asses.

2223 cindii June 27, 2011 at 12:12 am

Best laugh I’ve had in years. Everyone needs a little chicken in their lives!!!

2224 Angel June 27, 2011 at 12:18 am

NEWS FLASH: HR departments have been issuing paycheques/checks to people with vaginas for at least five years now. Yeah, sure, I have to get them issued in my husband’s name and he has to take them to the bank for me, but STILL.
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2225 Keira Marcos June 27, 2011 at 12:37 am

Thank you for the best laugh I’ve had in WEEKS.

2226 Shakey Mae June 27, 2011 at 12:43 am

Holy Hannah — I just leaked pee. Everything about this situation screams hilarious.
Love it.

2227 auberginefleur June 27, 2011 at 1:59 am

I don’t think I would have bought the chicken, well I know I wouldn’t have, but I love your blog post on it! Cheered up my day immensely.
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2228 Annonymous June 27, 2011 at 2:51 am

Laughed so hard I cried! You made my day

2229 Liz C June 27, 2011 at 6:04 am

I was laughing OUTLOUD! I was referred to your blog by damomma.com, and I’m so happy I read your post you crack me up!

2230 amotherworld June 27, 2011 at 6:19 am

brilliant!!!
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2231 Chris T June 27, 2011 at 6:25 am

Is Victor really this much of a jerk? Wow. Sounds like you have a great sense of humor which is what marriages need. How could anyone not think Beyonce is not funny?

2232 holly June 27, 2011 at 7:40 am

jenny the bloggess, if you tried to get together with charlie red then there might be some kind of statutory rape issue. because his writing styles makes him sound around 15…. so please rethink those future moves : )

2233 Wombat Central June 27, 2011 at 7:49 am

Do you actually read comment #2223? Even if you don’t, I have to tell you how giddy I am with excitement knowing that next year on our 15th wedding anniversary, there will be some serious chicken fun in this coop. I <3 you. And Beyonce. (the brightly colored metal one) (though I will get up and shake my groove thing to "All the Single Ladies" if it's on) (Even if I do dance like the queen of Wonder Bread)
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2234 Wombat Central June 27, 2011 at 7:51 am

Aw, hell. I took so long to write that it was comment #2228. My apologies to #2223. I’m sure The Blogess read yours.
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2235 Julie June 27, 2011 at 7:54 am

OMG! You are hilarious! My husband better watch out, or he’ll end up with a chicken, too! Chickens are hilarious. I love that you named it Beyonce. I’m sure this is nothing you haven’t heard before in all these comments, but I LOVE it.
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2236 Bennie Haines June 27, 2011 at 8:01 am

“Knock Knock, motherfucker!” This is quite possibly the best line ever said by anyone! Thank you for making me laugh outloud, twice!

2237 Anonymous June 27, 2011 at 8:05 am

Taking bets on if you make it to 16 yrs

2238 Schluggo June 27, 2011 at 8:07 am

My wife and I own a 5 foot metal chicken as well. Birds love to nest in it. It is a litmus test for assholes. If people like it well chances are I like them if not chances are they are uptight dicks. We live on the main drag of a small town and people say that they feel they are home when they pass it at night (we keep seasonal lights on it year round, not just for x-mas anymore). Cracks me up the people that get pissed about it. We’ve had ours for about 5 years(paid full price). I think I got it for our anniversary too. We are now saving up for an 8 foot T-Rex same sort of construction. If you don’t like it, pay my taxes!

2239 Tim June 27, 2011 at 8:24 am

Wow. So basically your marriage is all about disrespect for your husband. You do things purposefully, that you know will make him angry simply for the benefit of making him angry. What a wonderful wife you are. Don’t be surprised when he tells you to take your chicken AND your pink beach towels and GTFO.

2240 Dennis June 27, 2011 at 8:32 am

Can anyone tell me where I can get this on the internet??? This is hilarious!!

2241 RHOB June 27, 2011 at 8:38 am

This is the ugliest thing I have ever seen. I love it.

2242 Pinky June 27, 2011 at 8:40 am

First of all: 2230 comments????? Now THAT is impressive!!!!! A friend sent me over here to your blog and as soon as I wipe the tears of laughter offf my face so I can see, maybe I will type better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are one funny lady! Thanks for the GREAT laugh. As for Victor, he will mellow. I ahve been married for 43 years and they do….mellow. I love Beyonce!!!!!!!! XO, Pinky

2243 Diana June 27, 2011 at 8:50 am

brilliant!

2244 Kimberly June 27, 2011 at 8:55 am

This is now my litmus test for new relationships. If a guy doesn’t find this blog entry funny, then he’s not date material. I’m happy to say that my current boyfriend was doubled over laughing from this last night. His favorite part was the fact that Beyonce’ was in front of Victor’s ONLY window. He may be a keeper.

2245 rosie too June 27, 2011 at 9:01 am

Holy crap…step away from the internet for a week and miss a chicken shit storm. Beyonce is really bringing out everyone’s relationship baggage. I’m thinking you could make a fortune selling your Big Chicken Interpersonal Evaluation (patent pending) to family therapists. Or matchmakers. It would definitely screen out the undesirables. Just be grateful the hostiles didn’t stumble upon your parenting column.

2246 cathy June 27, 2011 at 9:19 am

I have got to find that chicken in a store somewhere.
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2247 That's funny enough for a sitcom June 27, 2011 at 9:32 am

So your husband told you to stop wasting money and your response was to waste money in the most spectacular fashion possible? Good plan. Having zero resect for your spouse is always a winner. I wonder if Victor and his mistress ever have a laugh at your expense. I shall look for that blog.

2248 Heather June 27, 2011 at 9:49 am

So, I showed my boyfriend this blog as a warning. He sent me this picture today: http://cl.ly/3P3U0H2u2D161I2a2E41/IMG_8423.jpg

2249 Ally June 27, 2011 at 10:21 am

I think you need to post your address so eveyone can send you & Victor towels as an anniversary gift rom all over the world………we can all address them to Victor and he can have more towels then he knows what to do with!!! NOW THAT IS A LASTNG LAUGH WHEN YOU LOOK AT THE CHICKEN AND THE MAIL FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

2250 Rickilynn June 27, 2011 at 10:23 am

You could always bring the chicken to South Carolina. They have big gamecock fans here…>>LOL

2251 mousebert June 27, 2011 at 11:10 am

Excellent column. I don’t even think this is your best stuff and I wonder why now the increase in traffic. You must have hit the critical point – well done.

Unfortunately many don’t get your humor and I admire the way you handle criticism, at least publicly. Of course you may have to your father take away your mother’s internet access again.

And for those critical of Victor – he is the straight guy in her/their comedy routine. The George to her Gracie, the Abbot to her Costello, but more of the Silent Bob type. That is all I have to say about that.

2252 Ms. G Jackson June 27, 2011 at 11:17 am

I’d like to order these chickens for every WAmu exec and his wife that were a party to the company’s demise. These are to be put where the sun don’t shine! Let’s see how that chicken scratches ! Might be good company if they end up behind bars!

2253 Kassandra @ Coffee and their Kisses June 27, 2011 at 11:24 am

I came over because Jay said you were awesome. She was right, you so are!! This is fucking hilarious!! I about pissed myself laughing. I need a 5 ft chicken, it would piss my husband off. Maybe I’ll get one for our 5 yr anniversary and tell him it’s his present too. LMFAO! Your newest follower too, btw :o )
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2254 Jennifer @ t1 service June 27, 2011 at 11:44 am

Okay, that is the funniest damn thing I have seen in weeks! Saw the link on my friend’s facebook wall and had to check it out. I am COMPLETELY getting my husband a huge metal chicken for our anniversary now. Trip to Vegas? No? Why? Vegas comes and goes in a weekend, but a huge metal chicken is FOREVER! HA!
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2255 Lindsay June 27, 2011 at 11:57 am

I saw the chicken at HEB this weekend and freaked out as if I had seen a celebrity.

2256 joanharvest June 27, 2011 at 12:02 pm

About 10 years ago I bought a gold metal Knight in Shining Armour for about the same price that you paid for your chicken. I cut myself on him 4 times just carrying him to the car. Sharp edged bastard. His name is George and he sleeps with me. Not in my bed, he’s too sharp.

2257 Miss Michele June 27, 2011 at 12:08 pm

That’s the funniest f*^@ing story I’ve think I’ve ever read. I laughed until I cried and was actually banging my hand on the desk.

2258 Barb Cooper June 27, 2011 at 12:27 pm

I’ve come back to read this several time and posted a link to it on my blog. I wasn’t going to leave a comment, but I just had to tell you, after reading some of these comments that there is a good Brene’ Brown quote that might be of use to you: “Don’t try to win over the haters. You’re not the Jackass Whisperer.”
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2259 Tracy June 27, 2011 at 12:50 pm

I read this and chuckled … then read again and laughed until my eyes watered. I’m going on 20 years of marriage and could totally relate.

2260 Joe June 27, 2011 at 12:51 pm

You deserve the divorce coming your way. Every chick here who says “I’d like to piss off my husband” will be divorced and having to make their own money for once after he finally finds his balls and dumps you.

2261 Victoria Mixon June 27, 2011 at 12:58 pm

“IT IS NOT A NICE CHICKEN” is going to be my new hashtag on Twitter.
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2262 Nicki June 27, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Obviously the giant chicken – (actually, to be fair, it appears to be a giant rooster) has brought joy to more than just you and your friend. This big fellow is sure to bring joy to you and everyone who see’s it for years to come! Had I seen it, I would have bought himself. Did you know there’s a band named “Big uh… Rooster?” Substitute the other name for rooster there). If you love big 80′s hair bands, you will love them!
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2263 Nan June 27, 2011 at 1:19 pm

You are my god! Thanks for the laugh… I truly needed it!

2264 Lindette June 27, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Seriously laughed until I cried, and stopped breathing briefly. All better now, but my 75 year old German mother-in-law is super jealous and wants a Beyonce of her own for her yard. Now I have to scour the world for a damn chicken for her. I’ll get one for me too… and leave it on doorsteps. Maybe we can start a chicken movement for world peace, or manure or something?

2265 IslandBlue June 27, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Could be worse. I got a revenge kitten once and it lived for 16 years. And she snarled and scratched at everyone but me until the day she died.

How good does it feel to know there are thousands of women who just want to have coffee with you, and maybe go shopping once in while? For chickens. Thanks for the laughs!

2266 NATUI June 27, 2011 at 1:49 pm

You are the sister I have always wanted and never got.
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2267 Laura June 27, 2011 at 1:54 pm

You should make a video of this one. You could win an Academy Award in the short films category for it.

2268 Nancy June 27, 2011 at 1:57 pm

LOL – I’m crying over here! LOVE!!!!!

2269 Paulina June 27, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Sooo to prove your husband wrong for not wanting you to buy towels, which I am sure you _wanted_ not _needed_ you went out and spent money on a giant metal rooster, that you didn’t need. What point does this prove, except cementing to your husband that you’re irresponsible with money.

I think your husband is the victor in this, not you. All you’ve done is further perpetuate the stereotype of women as over emotional wackjobs with no common sense.

“Don’t want me to spend $40 – 50 or whatever on new towels, I’ll show you by spending $100 on a giant metal chicken that serves 0 purpose!! HA HA, I showed you” Yeah, you really showed him honey.

2270 John June 27, 2011 at 2:02 pm

I should have bought my ex one since that will be only one she will get .

2271 Sandi Cunningham June 27, 2011 at 2:17 pm

I don’t know what made me click on my friend’s FB to view this site, but I have already been through 3 kleenex laffing and crying and pounding the desk trying to breathe.
I have seen cocks that had to be pumped up, ones you injected, but I have never seen one this BIG nor this colorful! I shall treasure this link as I pass it on to all my friends. Thank you for the best read in ages!

2272 Tracy Flores June 27, 2011 at 2:55 pm

That was freaking hysterical. I love your “I’ll show you” attitude… If he hadn’t made the towels a forbidden purchase, Beyonce might never have come home with you. Maybe…
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2273 Lisa June 27, 2011 at 3:03 pm

You are so fabulous and my sons thought it amazing- right up this mom’s alley- do you live in Ohio btw- I would by him off you to put outside my chcekn coop tp scare the stupid rooster that drives me nuts and yes my husband woud be like yours but he would get even! That’s why i love him so!

2274 JenT June 27, 2011 at 3:05 pm

That is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time..the chicken at the front door..the caption just threw it over the top. Perfect. I’m showing this to my husband, so he’ll appreciate the fact that I haven’t done this..yet.

2275 Jewels* June 27, 2011 at 3:25 pm

I have a caption for the pic of you holding Beyonce…Cockadoodledoo, any cock will do!

2276 Mary June 27, 2011 at 3:44 pm

Love it. sounds like something I would do.

2277 Mimm June 27, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Can I please not write my blog today and just repost this one? I’d change the names, of course, and photoshop my face standing next to the chicken. This was hilarious. I want a five foot chicken for my five foot square studio apartment. And one to scare away snakes (and men with no sense of humor).
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2278 Tammy June 27, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Chick Happens!

2279 Momma Fargo June 27, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Thanks for that. I almost peed my pants. Nah. I did. Changing now.
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2280 Salt & Nectar June 27, 2011 at 4:16 pm

This made me giggle like a kid. So. Very. Wonderful.

2281 Cyp June 27, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Bloggess, I want to build a 5-foot chicken for my GF. Noticing you posted #1 & #6 pictures… you are obviously holding out on on your CHICKEN PICS! Can you post others so I can build to spec?! I have no imagination- THX!

2282 Jim June 27, 2011 at 4:33 pm

You don’t need new towels, or a 5′ tall metal chicken. You need a divorce. Victor is a petulant jackass. If new towels make you happy, get the towels. Threatening to strangle you? Storming off and slamming his office door? He’s a toddler having a tantrum. Ditch the jackass. Get new towels. And name the chicken Victor.

2283 Misty June 27, 2011 at 4:49 pm

That is totally awesome and Hilarious!!!!! I love it and need a big chicken of my own!!!! hahahhahahah

2284 Leslie June 27, 2011 at 5:02 pm

My husband and I agree that this story is HILARIOUS and that that chicken is totally worth a hundred bucks. I first read this post while sitting in the middle of a mind-numbingly boring teacher workshop and had to stop reading halfway through because there was no way that anyone was going to believe that I was actually paying attention to the presentation if I started giggling hysterically.

As for the critics…dudes, maybe your marriages fell apart because you have no sense of humor? Or because you’re stone-age misogynists–love the whole assumption that women must always be spending their HUSBAND’s money, not their own.

2285 Miss Michele June 27, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Aah… Joe, lighten up.

2286 Anna June 27, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Hey Sweetie!

I have two! Unfortunately, mine are only a foot and a half tall and my real live chickens love to hang out with them in front of the bird feeders! Thanks for the laugh!

By the way, please tell me the UPS guy didn’t deliver towels to you from your husband for your anniversary!

2287 Nate June 27, 2011 at 5:27 pm

If I were Victor, I would be shagging the hell out of Laura, right after you pulled some idiot move like that. Basically, sharing the “cock” if you will……. then I would mount ” Beyoncé ” over the fireplace, and have a family reunion (your side). Which I would go into great detail (especially with your grandmother….assuming you have one that hasn’t died of embarrassment yet) as to your blatant ignorce to a dollar well spent and a dollar earned. Im sure you are unemployed (or have some BS part-time job) so you can feel somewhat worthy. I only assume that you’re the typical user of men, because of your vagina (which I am sure is getting old to Victor, especially when you act like this). Victor obviously has a good job and works hard to earn the money you don’t appriciate. Hopefully, he banged-the-hell out of some sweet 18 Year old, which, he probably did because you’re too ignorant to give him the respect he deserves. So, good on Him for getting the last laugh ……PS —- this is why you think he’s such a “good sport” about your towels…….you’d be wise to “pick your arguments better”. Chicks….all the same……..LMFAO!

2288 Laura June 27, 2011 at 5:32 pm

That is awesome. I’d have totally bought a $100 giant metal chicken. And I love that your main motivation was annoying Victor. Guess he won’t threaten you over towels anymore, will he?

2289 Tanya Storm June 27, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Loved this post so much I shared it with all my friends and a few coworkers. Was rewarded today with a little metal chicken surprise on my laptop when I came back from lunch. He had a post it note that said “Knock Knock” – awesome!
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2290 Dawn June 27, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Hil-fucking-arious!!!! “Knock knock, motherfucker” nearly made me choke!!! Thanks for the laughs ~ you rock!!!

2291 Another Dreamer June 27, 2011 at 6:01 pm

I absolutely love this <3
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2292 Libby June 27, 2011 at 6:05 pm

Add to bucket list “1x 5ft Metal Chicken” to torment husband!!
Gotta love it!!!

2293 Debbie June 27, 2011 at 6:43 pm

OMG..I have been married 10 years and you have just.set.the.bar! LOVE IT! I read it to my husband …while cracking up…and he just shook his head. But he best prepare! 15 years…GIANT CHICKEN…BOOYAH!

2294 Kris @Krazy_Kris June 27, 2011 at 6:54 pm

Oh. MY. GAWWWWWWWD.
I said OK and went to watch TV…
Love that beyonce is peering in – he/she is precious –
LOVE the SCENE in the story…
Oh no! The chicken has a shiv!

I. Will. Stalk. You. Now.
Be. Afraid. *winks*
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2295 Jen the Bibliophile June 27, 2011 at 6:55 pm

I thought I was going to pass out from my lack of being able to breathe. Why was I unable to breathe? Because I was laughing so hard!!! There is nothing quite like a 5-foot metal chicken sitting at your front door. Seriously, I think I’ll be giggling about that on my way to bed. A 5-foot metal chicken…BA HA HA HA!

Jen
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2296 Laurie June 27, 2011 at 6:55 pm

Joe needs to know this chick (Grandma) has made her own money since she was 16. Been married for almost 30 years. Has a husband who does not find humor in this blog , any more than when the kids tell him to dust off his money when he opens his wallet. But just like our parents (God willing) will be married till the day one of us dies. For one reason I did not marry a jerk like Joe. I’m sure Joe will end up alone if anyone he hooks up with can chew their own leg off to get away from him. Pretty sure there would have to be chains involved for him to have someone around in the first place.

2297 Lily @MilitaryFamOf8 June 27, 2011 at 6:57 pm

OMg, HE-larious!!!!!!!!!!!!

*inserting A LOT of Beyonce, chicken head, and cock jokes* here LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

2298 ridor9th June 27, 2011 at 7:00 pm

I love this entry — I burst out laughing at everything you write– I wish that you had a picture of Victor staring at the metal chicken!!

R-
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2299 Jean June 27, 2011 at 7:03 pm

“think of everyone out there and what they could do with that $100″ – Joe
Dear Joe: http://thebloggess.com/2010/12/my-heart-grew-three-sizes-and-now-i-have-an-enlarged-heart-worth-it/
Nuff said.

2300 Pam June 27, 2011 at 7:14 pm

Wet my pants laughing and after I cleaned up I sent this to Amy (*my* Laura). You are one funny chick (pun intended) and I want to be your friend. :)

2301 EVER........ June 27, 2011 at 7:17 pm

I LOVE this blog….you are the BEST!!!

2302 PeggyAnn June 27, 2011 at 7:43 pm

This is too, too funny. My daughter-in-law sent this to me because they bought us one of these chickens a couple of years ago. This year for Father’s day we got my husband a 5 ft. Pink Flamingo because apparently we had to have it to honor our trailer trash status. There is a store west of Abiline that we passed yesterday that had 4 chickens about 8-10 feet tall. I wanted to stop so bad.

2303 ldlow June 27, 2011 at 7:51 pm

you don’t need me to tell you this, but this if F-ing awesomely funny. I’m in awe. That is all. #winning

2304 Tara June 27, 2011 at 7:59 pm

You are ridiculous. Sheer brilliance.

2305 Michelle June 27, 2011 at 8:13 pm

Oh dear god this was funny. It is my first time here and took me 4 days to make it through the post and all (currently 2266) posts. SO freaking funny, I can’t wait to go read more posts. I shared with my husband and he A) also thought it was hilarious B) keeps saying “knock knock motherfucker” and C) wants one of those chickens, as do I (Also need to agree with the poster who said it IS a chicken, a chicken is a chicken is a chicken. Chicken is not gender specific, all chickens are chickens, females are hens, males are roosters/cocks. So, although he has a decidedly feminine name, Beyonce is, in fact, both rooster/cock and chicken).

As for the naysayers.

#1 lighten up, this is a comedy site, most likely the story has been fabricated or at least embellished for comedic purposes

#2 WTF? “HIS” money? Who said? First off she never said the argument regarding towels was because they couldn’t afford new towels and secondly how the hell do YOU know who earned said money? Like you haven’t blown a certain amount of money on something silly? Do you know how much money they have? I don’t. For all we know they are millionaires and wipe their asses with hundred dollar bills and therefore this $100 wouldn’t even blip their budget, let alone hurt it. Can *I* afford to piss away $100? Sometimes but not often. Totally not relevant to whether or not they can. Doesn’t mean I have to hate on someone who can. I’m HAPPY there are people who can afford to buy stupid shit that makes them happy.

#3 SHE thought it was funny, HE thought it was funny (later) and she had his blessing to write the post, post it and is supportive of her in general so obviously they are doing something right. I hope your relationship is as stable. Just because you and your spouse don’t have the same relationship as Jen and Victor doesn’t mean it isn’t working out very well for them. It’s not the same as ours and the above situation wouldn’t have gone on as it did in our house either but if it works for them who the hell are you to be pissy about it?

#4 If you are going to take the story literally and with no sense of humor, why is Jen the only one getting shit on here? Hell Victor threatened to kill her if she bought a towel and she’s the only bad guy in the story? Hell I’d much rather a 5 foot “fuck you” chicken response to being threatened bodily harm if I didn’t follow orders.

Going to go read more posts now…

2306 Lisa June 27, 2011 at 8:15 pm

I laughed to hard I cried while reading this outloud to my husband. I have an intense facination with giant chickens ever since I was a kid. The little town I grew up in had a restaurant right in the middle of it called The Burger Den/Dairy Dip… and on top was… you guessed it… I giant chicken!!! I was an adult, married with children but CRIED the day they took that chicken down. I even made my kids stand in the rain to take a photo with a giant chicken on the side of the road in Cave City Kentucky..so I would sooooo be buying a 5ft chicken! And I would position it to stare over the fence at my neighbor… that is so stiff she could use a some cock in her life to lighten her mood!

2307 Lizzy June 27, 2011 at 8:18 pm

Since I read this post two days ago I’ve seen no less than TWO other 5 foot chickens. So glad I found this first.

2308 Brenna Cervino June 27, 2011 at 8:24 pm

I had the worst day. Then i come home and found your blog. Your chicken made my day. You are now my favorite person ever.

2309 Courtney June 27, 2011 at 8:29 pm

OMG, I literally was laughing out loud while reading this. My coworkers probably thought I was nuts. Excellent writing! =)

2310 Michelle June 27, 2011 at 8:30 pm

Oh and also, after I got sidetracked from laundry by reading these posts, my husband very carefully asked me if I was going to do anymore laundry because he needed work shirts washed (and before anyone gets there panties in a wad, laundry has been our sole area of contention in our marriage – in that I want to be the only one to do laundry, however I am forgetful and easily distracted so sometimes it builds up before I remember to do it – or finish it. It has taken me a good long while to convince him to remind me or request I do laundry rather than doing it himself). I jumped to and thanked him for reminding me. I then added “Just don’t word it ‘Hey dumb bitch go do the laundry’ or you will get a 5′ chicken for your trouble”. He laughed and walked away muttering “Knock knock motherfucker” hehe. Excuse me, need to go move clothes into the dryer…

2311 A Man June 27, 2011 at 8:49 pm

I’m sure that’s a hysterical story to share at your book club meetings, and the self-esteem boost from all these clucking hens (pun intended) likely substantial… but your just going to have to take it in stride when ‘Victor’ divorces you and burns your cloths.

All men have their limit, and mine is WAY below wasting $200 on a tin chicken.

2312 Tenna June 27, 2011 at 8:50 pm

You should rent him out to women for their anniversarys!!
Every girl would die for a 5′ cock!

Imagine the envy of the men in the neighborhood?

And, how can we get him to my house?

2313 Samantha June 27, 2011 at 8:56 pm

i almost peed my pants when i read, ” this chicken will CUT YOU” Awwwwwww hilarious!

2314 steve June 27, 2011 at 9:03 pm

Great read, but the pictures suggest that you unknowingly purchased a 5 foot rooster. Yep, the crest on it;s head, and the swooping of the tail suggests it is a male chicken…

2315 MamaaKC June 27, 2011 at 9:07 pm

This. Is. Awesome.

I laughed my ass off the entire time I was reading this article, and then my husband told me that I’m an idiot.
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2316 Richard Crasta June 27, 2011 at 9:21 pm

Very funny; I have a dead chicken piece in my book “I Will Not Go the F**k to Sleep”, but it is lukewarm compared to this.

2317 Miriam DuBois June 27, 2011 at 9:36 pm

That is one AWESOME cock! This is the funniest thing Ive seen in a long, long time. Thank you! (BTW, my fiance and I have the towel discussion quite a bit as well.)

2318 Aurora AK Rory June 27, 2011 at 9:43 pm

Hey Victor: How does it feel to be goosed by a chicken?

2319 James June 27, 2011 at 9:48 pm

Wow, that’s rich! He didn’t want towels, and got a giant cock in return.
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2320 Taylor Moseley June 27, 2011 at 9:56 pm

Your sarcasm is hilarious! I think i’d like to hang out with you and your friend Laura when I get in a fight with my “victor” :-)
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2321 Nikki June 27, 2011 at 10:37 pm

I am here absolutely dyin’ – laughed so hard my sides hurt and I’m still trying to catch my breath. I am SO copying the link to send to my friends. Just unbelievably hilarious.

YOU ROCK. lol

2322 little lotus blossom June 27, 2011 at 10:52 pm

“because this chicken will cut you“

I just cannot stop laughing at that!

2323 Lady Locavore June 27, 2011 at 11:06 pm

I absolutely LOVE this! Congrats!
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2324 Ker June 28, 2011 at 12:46 am

I’ve just seen your blog for the first time…the metal chicken.

This has got to be the funniest, yet most sensible thing I’ve read in years. I want a chicken of my own. A five foot one. He can be the big brother to Gustov, our hand carved, jointed chicken and his chicken friends, Woody (also a carved chicken) and Pudge.

I’m a songwriter….and I love good writing. You, madam, are brilliant. I’ll be visiting your blog again. And again. And again.

2325 John June 28, 2011 at 2:53 am

You made me wet my pants.

2326 toni in florida June 28, 2011 at 6:17 am

My hubby has decided he needs to make some of these chickens and sell them, as you’ve created quite the demand and there’s no Home Goods here in my part of Florida. Thanks for giving him the inspiration!

Also, he and my 15yo son totally got it, loved it and laughed out loud while I read the post to them (twice, ’cause I was laughing so hard the first time). And they also totally get that money in a family belongs to the whole family… which is good for them, ’cause I’m the sole wage-earner in our family right now, even without a Y chromosome.

To the hater who keeps posting under different names (and to his li’l buddy whom he has obviously recruited to post more and nastier comments), that Y-chromosome thing? That means I’m a woman. A woman who supports her family by paying all the bills. Guess what? The days when men were the sole source of income in a family? They ended long before you were born (sometime between 1960 and 1980, I’d hazard) and most women today don’t need men to subsidize (that means “pay for”) their lives. And no, before your twisted and misogynistic minds go there, these women are not “lesbos” or “manhaters”. As for making a decent enough living to allow you to afford to spend $100 on whimsy, good luck. Based on your lack of ability to type and spell (as demonstrated in your redundant comments above), you will need it. I won’t even try to guess about the state of your love life, although your comments tell a pretty depressing story of anger, bitterness, immaturity, intolerance and a frustrated need to dominate some quiet little lady who “knows her place.” Yeah, um, good luck with that, too.

—-
Love you, Jenny, and Victor. Hope your vacation has rocked.

2327 yvonne June 28, 2011 at 7:19 am

Apparently Nate and Joe don’t know what humor and sarcasm are all about.

Rock on Jenny!

2328 Ashley June 28, 2011 at 7:24 am

I think Beyonce’ and Victor need to read “The Hoboken Chicken Emergency” by Daniel Pinkwater. Beyonce’ so s/he doesn’t get a complex about being an unloved giant chicken. And Victor because it will help put the whole towel v. chicken thing into even better perspective.
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2329 yvonne June 28, 2011 at 7:25 am

Oh and commenter #296, charlie Red, knows even less about sarcasm, yet calls himself a hipster. wow. and he posted about this post, but disallowed comments. How’s that for understanding humor?

2330 megan June 28, 2011 at 8:14 am

Thanks for the huge laugh!!! My son has cancer and is going thru his second stem cell transplant. I needed a laugh right now!

2331 Molly in OK June 28, 2011 at 9:02 am

God I just snorted my yogurt! I’m glad you and my sister are not acquainted. She gave me bronzed rhino poop on a plaque one year for my birthday with the inscription “You’re #2″ and that’s not even skimming the surface.

2332 Camille Brightsmith June 28, 2011 at 9:31 am

Victor. You are a lucky man. Plus, they always say the crazy chicks are the best in bed. Count your lucky start Victor. And I will count mine, for finding this blog. I just feel so pleased now, knowoing there are people like The Bloggess out in the wide world.
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2333 Hazel Wade June 28, 2011 at 10:30 am

OMFG!!!! SSSOOOOO funny!!!! Poor Victor but Well Done you!!! Why aren’t I this interesting? First time I’ve seen your blog (via a FB post from a friend) but will deffo look out for you <3

2334 Nikki June 28, 2011 at 10:37 am

Damn, girl, the responses are almost as good as your post. lmao

For the haters – you’ve got some choices available to you on the Internet for an unlimited time!

- Take a seat in the STFU Cafe, and have a cup of sarcasm with a piece of pie. It won’t kill you. Though, the waitress might, and perhaps her newfound fans.
- Find a fire hydrant and do some deep knee bends on it. And for a limited time, you can have some battery acid thrown in for lube!

Call now! – Operators are standing by…

2335 HarleyLady June 28, 2011 at 11:00 am

Pleeeeeease, tell me where to get one?

2336 Anonymous June 28, 2011 at 11:07 am

My friend just found her own Beyonce….and yes paid the $200 for her. Worth every penny. This has made mine and several of my friend’s week! Thanks!!!!

2337 Jill June 28, 2011 at 11:24 am

Shoulda wrapped a bath towel around the chicken. Next time!

2338 Jennifer Taggart, TheSmartMama June 28, 2011 at 11:32 am

I went to Home Goods this weekend with my daughter. Our Home Goods had 3 metal chickens about 3 feet high that seem to have been from the same collection. I started laughing so hard that other shoppers looked at me askance. My daughter too.
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2339 Camille June 28, 2011 at 11:33 am

I am wiping the streaming tears from my face. That is the absolute most fantastic post I’ve ever read. Ever. First place. Blue Ribbon. Thank you so much for making my day. I feel like now I cannot live without a 5′ metal creature. Probably not a chicken, though. You’ve done that — and done it far better than anyone else ever could.

2340 Frances June 28, 2011 at 11:38 am

Unlike most of the ladies here, I’m unimpressed, and think your husband don’t deserve this ill-conceived attempt to be cute. I think I’m more bothered by the $100 pricetag than anything, if you did this with something $10, I think it’d be completely different.

2341 Suzanne Ochoa June 28, 2011 at 11:44 am

I think your awesome for doing it. I have one “those” kind of husbands but it’s sooo nice to hear that husbands like THAT happen everywhere. Your blog is awesome! KUDOS!

Suzanne (Texas, mother of 4 and step mom to 2) That’s right, 6 total! (14 my boy, 11 my girl, 10 my boy, 8 my girl, 8 his girl, 5 his son) Enjoy life….and thanks for sharing and making me smile..;-)

Suzanne Ochoa

2342 Beck June 28, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Okay a link to this post was forwarded to me by a work colleague and as usual I’m laughing out loud reading Jenny’s blog. I will make a note to self that the traditional gift for a 15th wedding anniversary is a 5′ metal chicken complete with two logs to stabilize the feet so she doesn’t tip over and fall on my front door.

2343 Kim Stevens June 28, 2011 at 12:32 pm

I SOOOOOO want to go out for drinks with you!!!!!!

2344 Victor Sympathizer June 28, 2011 at 12:34 pm

I feel sorry for Victor. [Note: we didn't hear his side of the towel issue - maybe there are so many friggin' towels in the cupboard there's not even room for his shaving cream]

Anyway, you bought a big, silly, metal chicken, lugged it home and when it didn’t piss him off standing on the front door step you basically said it was revenge for opposing your towel purchase. So, you kept after him until you did piss him off. And somehow you think something’s
wrong with Victor? The man is a saint.

Maybe he’d stop being one of “those” husbands if you stopped turning him into one… or maybe he’ll find someone else.

2345 Txtingmrdarcy June 28, 2011 at 12:52 pm

I forwarded this to my fiance and told him it was premarital counseling. You’re practically a therapist, Jenny. :)

I think a Beyonce would be a KICKASS wedding guestbook. ;)

2346 Camille Brightsmith June 28, 2011 at 1:30 pm

I sent this to my EX Husband and he and his new girlfriend and I all died laughing about it. Relax. Victor loves this woman. Who wouldn’t???!?!?!

2347 J June 28, 2011 at 2:02 pm

At least it’s not towels! hahahahahaha!!!!

2348 dear Victor sympathizer June 28, 2011 at 2:51 pm

I don’t think she did it to piss Victor off. I think it was just more of a practical joke. if a marriage doesn’t have humor and laughter, then what is the point? He made his point clear when he told her he would strangle her if she brought home another towel. Now, I’m sure that was his joke. They were just turning what WAS an argument into a joke. My husband’s comment was, “that’s just weird!”

2349 mello June 28, 2011 at 2:55 pm

I would totally start decorating it with some other cheezy from the dollar store plastic yard stuff. And since it’s summer you should wrap a towel around the chickens neck, in case he wants to go swimming. I mean afterall, you don’t want him to be out there all alone do you?

2350 Dr. Psycho June 28, 2011 at 2:58 pm

There is a restaurant less than ten blocks from where I live that has a five-foot rooster that I think is even classier because you can still read the stencils on the sides of the drums it was made from. It is one where I often took my father (birthday July 4th, 1930) to breakfast after his therapy sessions during his final months of life.

Also, at one time I was serving people who lived behind a front door a whole lot like yours. It was guarded by a one-foot metal duck.
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2351 Priscilla June 28, 2011 at 3:02 pm

I TOTALLY would have bought the chicken. That thing is screaming my name. Love your writing!
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2352 Anonymous June 28, 2011 at 3:05 pm

Talk about getting “cock-blocked.” hehehe :)

2353 Karyn June 28, 2011 at 3:10 pm

All I have to say is AWESOME!!!!!! ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2354 Jennifer@SurprisingJoy June 28, 2011 at 3:36 pm

This is the funniest thing I have read in a LONG time. Thanks. I needed that.

2355 Susan June 28, 2011 at 3:46 pm

I love the fact that when I googled “knock knock motherfucker,” this blog post is the first thing that comes up.
Very very worth it.

2356 Nina June 28, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Seriously, my stomach hurts from laughing so hard.
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2357 Christina Johnson June 28, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Laughed myself into tears. Great piece!

2358 Patti June 28, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Great story………

2359 Garrett June 28, 2011 at 4:06 pm

You are completely unbelievable. Victor must be such a saint if he has been putting up with your immature, poor stewardship of money for 15 years. Being completlely honest, I would have been more impressed with you would have acted as if you were out of diapers and resolved the issue like grown up. I am completely ashamed of your grotesque behavior. Stop breathing my air.

2360 Chris T June 28, 2011 at 4:12 pm

This was my first time to read your blog & I laughed & laughed & laughed!!! LOVE IT!!!

2361 Marilyn Foster June 28, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Thank you for the laugh. Now I am thinking of different couples I know and putting them into your story and laughing more!

2362 cy June 28, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Wow–like a pink flamingo on steroids. I want one too.

2363 Momma Teacher Lady June 28, 2011 at 4:58 pm

I laughed so hard when recounting this story in the car, that I almost ran into a bus. True story. Reminds me of things my husband has done in the past . . . like the time he put a fox face in my lunch. Yep, the face of a fox that he bought at some trader stand on his way to fish in the wilderness. And he put it in my lunch box with my pb&j.
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2364 Pamela Smith June 28, 2011 at 5:18 pm

OMG my husband sent me this story with the subject line: “I swear this is something you and Shannon would do.” And I totally agree! This is so hilarious! “Knock, knock…” sounds JUST like Shannon! I am never ever going to stop reading this blog! Love it!

2365 AR June 28, 2011 at 5:26 pm

I have been reading your blog religiously – okay maybe on occasion when I’m bored at work or have insomnia- for the past few years. Not knowing your chicken blog had gone viral, I saw it posted as a link on a coworker’s facebook page. I immediately commented how much cooler I thought that person was for making a practice of following your blog, but she just saw it on someone else’s page and re-posted. Way to make me look like an asshole.

Please keep collecting totally random things and someday open up a museum of oddities.

2366 Mindy June 28, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Sounds like something I would have done if I was told “absolutley not to do something”, as if I was child and not earning my own money, Garrett, you are so wrong on this one and I’m pretty sure the issue of money had nothing to do with this story, it could have been a .50 candy bar and not towels — the point is don’t order or demand those you love, maybe asking would have brought a different result but we wouldn’t have had a good laugh today.

2367 JHC June 28, 2011 at 6:03 pm

This is awesome! I was thinking of buying my husband a really great gift for our 17th, but I seriously want a chicken we can name George! “and I will hug him, and squeeze him, and name him George.” Where can I get one???

2368 Michelle June 28, 2011 at 6:13 pm

New to your blog after seeing this all over Facebook. Hiiiii-larious! Well done, and I hope Beyonce finds his way into Victor’s heart. You should totally sneak him into your bed one night so when Victor rolls over, he’ll be staring right at that fabulous huge red metal head!
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2369 Wendy C June 28, 2011 at 6:30 pm

OMG!!! That has got to be the funniest thing I have ever read! You have brightened my day :D I read it earlier this morning and was still laughing and thinking about it 3hrs later, so I had to come back and read it again. To those who don’t appreciate this kind of fun, pfffft! Got over yourselves and have a laugh for a change ;) Keep up the good work, I LOVE IT!!!

2370 Michael Forrester June 28, 2011 at 6:47 pm

Having been on the receiving end of this kind of insanity for five years now, it is a testament to the hilarity of this story that I found myself laughing. If nothing else I am glad to know that some other poor bastard has to deal with that kind of cunning, witty, and often funny as hell crap. Soldier on Victor! Your are not alone! I do hope that you eventually come around to some laughs around Beyonce. Cocka-doodle-doo!

2371 Laura June 28, 2011 at 7:18 pm

Jesus. Where have you been all my life? Don’t mind that person peeping in your windows. It’s just me trying to get closer to you.
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2372 DANIELLE June 28, 2011 at 8:03 pm

Thank you!!! I needed a laugh so hard you cry moment. In this case moments.

2373 Christine June 28, 2011 at 8:06 pm

I am glad to see so many people still have a sense of humor!

2374 Christine June 28, 2011 at 8:13 pm

I am glad to see so many people still have a sense of humor! Nothing better than a great practical joke! My husband of 32 years went to a museum warehouse sale with me on Sunday. We are now the proud owners of a water buffalo skull! It is huge! No need to argue about it, God only knows what he would have brought home if I had said no. At least he hung it in the garage and not in the living room! I want a big chicken for my backyard but I bought towels today, they were on sale!

2375 Melissa June 28, 2011 at 8:32 pm

I saw one of those huge chickens today! Made me laugh.

2376 Gwen June 28, 2011 at 11:11 pm

I’m crying from laughter. this is awesome. Really, just awesome. thank you.
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2377 amylynn June 29, 2011 at 12:29 am

I have no idea who y’all are, but i love you. The Great Chicken Adventure Of 2011. Love it.

2378 Heidy McCallum June 29, 2011 at 12:40 am

All I have to say is “Thank you and this wonderful chicken! You have made my day!!! This is wonderful!! I am now addicted to your blog!!!”
Still Laughing
Heidy

2379 Kate June 29, 2011 at 3:36 am

This was so funny! Thanks for sharing it!
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2380 Francesca DeCaire June 29, 2011 at 5:01 am

Couldn’t have been a better story to start my day.
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2381 Ju June 29, 2011 at 5:47 am

OMG this was just the hilarious I needed tonight! The buying-a-5-foot-chicken conversation is totally the conversation I’d have with my best friend! Clearly what this tells me is that when our friendship grows up to 15 yrs we NEED a 5 foot metal chicken :P (To give people a happy, clearly.)

Thank you, thank you, thank you!
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2382 lorelei sawtelle June 29, 2011 at 5:54 am

Oh, silly people. A FEMALE chicken is a HEN. a MALE chicken is a rooster.. Calling this a “chicken” is absolutely correct. Just like a female human is a woman a male human is a man. A female pig is a sow and a male pig is a boar. Loved this. I’ve done stupider things. This is awesome.

I laughed my way through 1300+ of these comments. Saving the other 1000 for a bad day.

2383 Anne Greenwood Brown June 29, 2011 at 5:58 am

I laugh/cried all my makeup off. Must reapply. Thanks for this!
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2384 lorelei sawtelle June 29, 2011 at 6:05 am

A female CHICKEN is a HEN. A male chicken is a rooster. Calling this a “chicken” is correct, but a terrible understatement.

A merry heart does good like a medicine. This chicken is a gift from God.

L

2385 Mariya June 29, 2011 at 6:26 am

awesome!

2386 Desiree Spence June 29, 2011 at 6:36 am

Ahahahahah I sure could use one of those this morning!

2387 Sunny Lenz June 29, 2011 at 6:41 am

the rest of that chicken family lives in my woods – they move about slowly and peak out – they came to celebrate our anniversary – they are appreciated but they are coy

2388 Chris June 29, 2011 at 7:05 am

So…I guess the point of marriage is to piss off your husband?

Can’t wait for the divorce papers in a few years. If he sticks around with a wife who’s #1 goal is to piss him off every day, he’s a moron.

Hope your goal was to die cold and alone, because honey, NOBODY wants a wife that continually pisses them off day after day for laughs.

2389 Bayley June 29, 2011 at 7:30 am

I Love this!!!!!!

2390 TJ June 29, 2011 at 8:00 am

My fiance and I think the chicken is awesome, but he has now found true love: James Garfield. I told him, not over the bed, and he would be responsible for dusting duties. I think we have a deal. As for Beyonce, our neighbors would be SO jealous (really. you’d have to know our neighbors).

To the haters: your homes must be bland and boring with no artwork on the walls, curtains, throw pillows, scatter rugs, knick-knacks, landscaping, etc. If you’ve spent >$100 decorating your home, shut up right now.

2391 Arturo June 29, 2011 at 8:09 am

I LOVED IT, specially since my last name, Gallo, means rooster in English, LOVE YOUR BLOG!

and laughed so hard I almost went cook a doodle doo!

GREAT GREAT

2392 cori June 29, 2011 at 8:55 am

REALLY funny! Thanks for sharing.

2393 Ferne June 29, 2011 at 9:05 am

This was pure genius! I love the this story and it was very well told! I was rolling on the floor laughing, but trying to control it because I didn’t want to wake my sleeping daughter! :)
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2394 Raven carter June 29, 2011 at 9:06 am

So funny! I want a chicken now!! We use to have a giant dinosaur that we would put on friends porches if they were having a birthday…. a chicken to “brighten up a bad day” would be classic! I WISH I WAS IN YOUR WEB OF FRIENDS!!!

And I agree…. pick your battles Victor… you will rarely win them so you have to make them count! lol
Thanks for the laugh!

2395 Phil June 29, 2011 at 9:10 am

You have to be the best wife ever, except I am pretty sure what you bought was a cock and not a chicken. Maybe that’s why he was so pissed off.

2396 Renee June 29, 2011 at 9:22 am

Ha ha!! I hope Beyonce and Victor are becoming good friends (and just think, he’ll have someone watching over him while he works in his office!).

Hilarious prank – I’m glad you shared it. :D

2397 Teri June 29, 2011 at 10:04 am

I think Victor is cool for putting up with this bull shit and still loving you. Rock on, Beyonce!

2398 Elise Adams June 29, 2011 at 10:12 am

I’m sure nobody is gonna read this 2000+ comment–but truly, this is hilarious and brilliant all at the same time! Love how you connect this prank to ‘picking my battles better’–deep concept that there is ;-)
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2399 Marisa June 29, 2011 at 11:10 am

I’m standing in line ordering Pad Thai Chicken, on my lunch, on a very busy day and feeling burnt-out. I had to laugh out loud in front of everyone. I think you are hilarious. Thank you! I feel much better now.

2400 dms0513 June 29, 2011 at 11:20 am

BEST story ever! Made my day!!

2401 Diane June 29, 2011 at 11:28 am

Hilarious! Funniest thing I’ve read in a long time (and should be required reading for all engaged couples)
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2402 Paultera June 29, 2011 at 11:39 am

I’ve been reading your blog for a couple years now and I’ve never seen such idiotic reactions to one of your stories. If they think spending $100 on this is some vile, marriage destroying, economy crashing atrocity, I would love to see their take on the rest of the Victor stories.

“You’re a horrible person, Jenny, for having a sense of humor and sharing it with your friends and loved ones. Being a blogger MUST mean that you have zero dollars that you earned yourself so you basically just starved 83 homeless blind children by buying that chicken. It’s a miracle that Victor doesn’t plunge a sword into his own chest after beheading you. ONE HUNDRED DOLLARSS!!!!one!!!”

2403 KLR June 29, 2011 at 12:00 pm

He should be happy he finally has a big COCK!

2404 Lori June 29, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Really I laughed hysterically at this for some time

2405 Sonora June 29, 2011 at 12:08 pm

My sister has been going through a stressful time in her life and this post made her laugh so hard it brought her to tears. As soon as I walked in the door for a visit, she told me she HAD to read me this post. I have seen it shared on facebook several times by people who couldn’t stop laughing. Thanks for making us laugh. Oh and I have heard that you know you have reached success when you get negative comments. Not everyone will agree with you, but isn’t it interesting that they still took the time to read it and to comment? :)
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2406 Amy June 29, 2011 at 12:12 pm

I have seen – and coveted – these roosters. Leaving them on doorsteps is brilliant. I NEED ONE FOR $100, WTF WORLD?!

2407 Catherine June 29, 2011 at 12:41 pm

I bet Victor is wishing he had shut up about the towels and just let you buy them.

2408 Suzanne June 29, 2011 at 1:03 pm

ohmahgod! I want that Chicken! I want that chicken in my house! Or in my front yard to REALLY piss off my neighbors. There are so many things I would love to do with that chicken. Thank you for allowing me to pee my pants from laughter right here at work.

2409 Bambi C June 29, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Great idea! Bet he won’t bitch about towels again! Awesome pictures too!
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2410 Kat June 29, 2011 at 1:47 pm

I don’t even read blogs…but yours came up for some reason on my news feed. Anyway…I frikkin love it! You remind me so much of my girlfriends, that I just couldn’t stop laughing. Keep up the shenanigans…it’s good for your partner!

2411 Judith Zweiman June 29, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Laughed so hard, I needed my inhaler. Truly. Kicks the (chicken) shit outta out my rubber chicken story from 1977 at the Roseland Ballroom. Beyonce could be the next Travelocity Gnome. Imagine the clothing line…

2412 Diane June 29, 2011 at 2:24 pm

I peed…

2413 Nic & Jenn June 29, 2011 at 2:28 pm

LOVE the post.
As an offer of fellow blogger friendship, Society Finch would like to send you (via UPS obvi.) a beautiful rhinestone body suit and matching chrome helmut to keep Beyone not only stylish, but safe from the elements. We also wanted to send you a three legged dog we found in an alley, which we appropriately named Jay-Z, but apparently th

2414 Society Finch June 29, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Amaze-balls post!
As an offer of fellow blogger friendship, Jenn and I will be sending (via UPS obvi.) an elegant rhinestone and bullet bodysuit to keep Beyone not only stylish, but safe from the elements. We were also planning on sending you a three legged dog we found in an alley last week, (which we appropriately named Jay-Z) but he wouldn’t fit in the envelope, and we couldn’t afford a bigger box. (The bodysuit was kinda pricey… )
http://nicjennsocietyfinch.wordpress.com/
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2415 Laurie Knowles June 29, 2011 at 2:38 pm

This is the funniest thing I have read since Wiley Coyote vs. Acme! I laughed til tears streamed down my face. I so needed that! You are my Queen and I bow to you, o greatest of bloggers!
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2416 So glad June 29, 2011 at 2:54 pm

This was hilarious, but I’m so glad I’m not married to you.

2417 Ricardo June 29, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Interesting to see how all the ladies applaud the effort and the guys hate it.

I can see both sides. If it were a guy-focused blog, the dudes would be pouring in congratulating the guy for doing something hilarious and that “tightwad” wife should loosen up. But, it’s for the ladies. This is their version. The writing is indeed very good and the act itself reminds me of a gonzo-journalism Hunter Thompson type thing. Very entertaining.

My only objection as Victor would be that my wife made me look like a jerk on a very popular blog. Not much self-deprecation so much as Victor deprecation. It’s ok to make you both look like idiots, not so much to do so to your spouse alone. How would you ladies respond if a guy wrote this same post? Be HONEST.

2418 Anonymous June 29, 2011 at 3:12 pm

THis is pure garbage! I want the 5 minutes I spent reading this back! What a bunch of horse shit!

2419 Jessica Keener June 29, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Hilarious! Thanks for the huge laugh. I needed that today!

2420 Lori June 29, 2011 at 3:47 pm

So my husband did not understand why I am laughing hysterically and crying over this. He read it and looked at the picture and just gave me that smile and nod that you give to crazy people. Our anniversary is next month, I might just have to find him a big metal chicken.

2421 saydee June 29, 2011 at 4:14 pm

LOOOOOVE IT! and i’m glad to know that i’m not the only one that calls my husband an asshole with such endearment. i’m “nesting” right now (about to have a baby) and hubby constantly tells me no to everything i NEED to do, so i’ve sent him the link to this story. hopefully he’ll get the picture, before other random purchases happen. LOOOVE IT.

2422 Michelle June 29, 2011 at 4:47 pm

I now need me a 5 foot metal chicken!! That’s awesome!!!

2423 Laura June 29, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Got this from a girl friend – laughed ’til i hurt myself – then sent it on to my daughter. I read it aloud to my husband (thought he would find the same name a nice coincidence) … he just did NOT get it! I am headed out now to go buy some “towels.” Thanks for the laughter you added to my day.

2424 Jason June 29, 2011 at 5:11 pm

You know what you need now? Another 5-foot chicken holding a basket full of new towels.

2425 erica June 29, 2011 at 5:22 pm

pure joy.

2426 Ginger M June 29, 2011 at 6:01 pm

THank you giant chicken! For anyone who lived in the Atlanta area in the 70′s a giant chicken is over 20 feet tall! LOL Oh Beyonce, you are to die for…

2427 Nitta June 29, 2011 at 6:08 pm

Kudos to you girl! I was tearing in laughter! I would have done the same thing if i encountered a 5 ft chicken!

2428 Betsy Reside June 29, 2011 at 6:45 pm

My, SUCH a lucky girl! What a large cock u r holding!
Beyonce neeeds to come into the master bedroom….

2429 Mike June 29, 2011 at 6:56 pm

This is funny for about 30 seconds. Then it’s dumb. The dumb outlasts the funny.

2430 Shikole June 29, 2011 at 7:12 pm

I want this chicken. Where did you find it? I can’t find anything close online.

2431 BlogUMutha June 29, 2011 at 7:38 pm

Love you!

2432 Owen June 29, 2011 at 8:18 pm

And people wonder why I’m not married. Oh god, the thought of being married to someone like you, I’d rather just die. May God strike me down with a bolt of lightning if I ever get married.

2433 Sharon June 29, 2011 at 8:28 pm

SAD really sad for all concerned. Perhaps a conversation about budget was the more important issue missed here. When one partner is working against the other, i.e. always spending on wants rather than needs, it causes friction. Ultimately the partnership fails. This applies to marriage or business. You can still love someone but can’t be with them any longer because they drain the other person of energy, money, and ultimately any good feelings for them.

2434 Anonymous June 29, 2011 at 8:39 pm

I hope he divorces you. Your husband that is… you deserve the chicken.

2435 Sabrina N June 29, 2011 at 8:39 pm

We still have the giant chicken in Atlanta. It’s 10 minutes from my house in Marietta, Georgia. It’s a KFC. :)

2436 stacey potter June 29, 2011 at 8:46 pm

Have read this twice laughing my ass off both times. Needed that, thank you. This is totally my husband and I. Except I am not that light hearted. So, now begins my metal chicken marriage days. We are so going to rock it for now on. Thank you.

2437 Bill DaH June 29, 2011 at 8:48 pm

I laughed in spite of myself here. I would have laughed my ass off if my girlfriend did that to me. But I also sympathize with Victor … he must be a saint.

2438 C June 29, 2011 at 8:59 pm

I found one of these chickens today and could not stop laughing at it!

http://stocktoc.wordpress.com/2011/06/29/knock-knock/
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2439 Laura @ Our House Of Joyful Noise June 29, 2011 at 9:44 pm

HYSTERICAL, is not even the word to describe the state I was just in. It’s almost midnight as I type here, and I woke my husband up on the other side of the house, laughing so hard – he thought he was crying, and came running! The photo of the chicken at the door, and then reading the tag line….Well…that SERIOUSLY did-me-in!! I’m not sure if I have ever laughed so hard.

2440 Tori Soto June 29, 2011 at 10:20 pm

So my fiance and I are getting married this Saturday and I told him he needed to read this blog before we tie the knot. So him and his best man started reading. They go make a beer run and I find this at my door.

http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e57/sunbaby182/272009_10150287426134462_774774461_8853023_5213422_o.jpg

2441 Leonor June 29, 2011 at 10:31 pm

You have started a trend. My niece’s fiance went out and bought her a metal chicken (he is only about 2 feet tall) and left it on her door step. They named him Jay-Z. They get married on Saturday. Metal chickens are gifts of love.
I added the link of Jay-Z in the website space…hope you can see him.

2442 Gato June 29, 2011 at 11:01 pm

LOL – tears streaming down my face – gufawing with the windows open and the neighbors can hear me funny. You can bring a cock like that you my house any day of the week.

2443 Brandee June 29, 2011 at 11:02 pm

Have you seen this picture? Reminds me of your chicken :)

http://www.weirdpicturearchive.com/pics/doc-giantrooster.php

2444 Gato June 29, 2011 at 11:43 pm

That was supposed to say “you can bring a cock like that to my house any day of the week”!

2445 MommaCupcake June 30, 2011 at 12:02 am

Exactly. Victor should have known better. Happy Anniversary!
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2446 Laurence Brown June 30, 2011 at 1:02 am

I loved the story, it was rather hilarious.. but I feel pity for the poor Victor! poor chap he has been trying to help you guys with saving money!!!

2447 Laura June 30, 2011 at 6:28 am

OMG!! Well my husband said I cant get another purse bc i got one 2yrs ago!! Well I guess I shall borrow your chicken for next weeks wedding anniversary!!

2448 Jeffrey James June 30, 2011 at 6:36 am

Victor is one lucky guy!

2449 Angie June 30, 2011 at 7:06 am

OMG!! The best!!! I especially loved Beyonce’ colors… “Ding dong’ Happy anniversary motherfuckER!!! The best line ever!!! STILL LAUGHING!!!

2450 Patsy June 30, 2011 at 7:22 am

I can tell you all are city girls!! That is not a CHICKEN–that dear friends is a ROOSTER!! As in the male variety.

2451 Nola aka Aunt NoNo June 30, 2011 at 7:23 am

God, this post made me want to write a new one for my blog, which I haven’t touched in over a year and consists mainly of me bitching about how people drive and have generally sucky behavior. Then, it made me wish that I actually had a life this interesting and could write this well. Of course, all of that was after I’d read this to myself, via a friend’s post on FB, and enjoyed hysterical, laughter-induced breathing difficulties and tears streaming down my face. Then I read it to my daughter and enjoyed the same hysterical fit with her and finally once more to my 16-year-old son, who not only appreciated Beyonce far more than Victor ever will, but joined me in my third round of hysteria.

Thanks, Jenny! Is it wrong of me to appreciate your insomnia? I think my Dad needs one of these chickens. Did they have more? It would look so good next to his metal windmill painted in our high school team’s colors. Naturally, we’d have to paint our Beyonce silver, red and columbian blue as well … hmmmmmmmm.

2452 Jana June 30, 2011 at 7:29 am

I LOVE this!!!

2453 Nola aka Aunt NoNo June 30, 2011 at 8:04 am

Dear Patsy, (Post 2443)

From one country girl to another, you need a little city in your life. Art is subjective, even chicken art. Beyonce is totally a girl chicken and not a rooster. She’s just a lesbian girl chicken wearing a rooster outfit.

2454 Susan June 30, 2011 at 8:23 am

That’s like $200 of chicken for free.

Love this rationale.
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2455 Suzanne June 30, 2011 at 8:27 am

Ok, I really really NEED this chicken. Where can I get one!? I googled 5 foot metal chicken and of course i get 50,000 links to you. :-) Where oh where are those chickens! Oh.. and Knock Knock Mother Fucker is now the office credo. ha!

2456 Marion June 30, 2011 at 8:30 am

My youngest daughter sent me your link and said, “She’s like YOU, Mom!” LOL! You are my long lost sister. Carry on!!
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2457 Dave June 30, 2011 at 8:56 am

I am still laughing at the idea of a man getting a 5 foot cock for his anniversary. The inappropriate jokes I would make everytime I saw Victor, or the thought of how many things I could say about that, made this read worth while.

2458 Nola aka Aunt NoNo June 30, 2011 at 9:06 am

Anyone else feeling the urgent need to dress as a big metal chicken and ring Jenny and Victor’s doorbell on Halloween?

2459 Mary June 30, 2011 at 9:07 am

Wow. I didn’t laugh too hard… Until I saw the chicken standing at your door. Awesome.

2460 Donnalyn June 30, 2011 at 9:08 am

Seriously funny.

2461 AustinAngela June 30, 2011 at 9:12 am

I am sitting in an office in Germany trying so hard not to laugh my ass off. Believe me, it’s not an easy task. But I don’t think the Germans here would get the hilarity that is Beyonce. I can’t wait to get back to Austin to find a 5 foot metal chicken of my own. You KNOW they have that shit somewhere in Austin. They have to.

2462 Patricia Urban June 30, 2011 at 9:15 am

Chicken Shit!

2463 AustinAngela June 30, 2011 at 9:22 am
2464 Vynita June 30, 2011 at 9:23 am

My husband once (once) told me, “I FORBID you to do that.” I looked him square in the face and busted out laughing. GAME ON! Knock, Knock, mother……

2465 Nataliej June 30, 2011 at 9:39 am

Is Beyonce for RENT…

2466 Lee June 30, 2011 at 9:51 am

Metal chickens named Beyonce don’t make you breakfast in the morning.
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2467 Kim T. June 30, 2011 at 10:00 am

I need to know where I can get one of these!!

2468 Rich June 30, 2011 at 10:09 am

Saw this and had to click from a FB friends link…God bless Victor for dealing with your shit! :) If he was my friend, some sweet revenge would be planned and it would include live chickens(with a minimum of 1 rooster) in your bathroom, floor lined with chicken shit defiled towels, ALL of them in the house, except for 1 hidden for him :> Cockadoodledoo Motherfuckess! Go buy your fucking towels now. Hahahahaaaa! Would you like to take it one level higher to Defcon Level – Apocafuckenlypse?!? I want to read the story of the time Victor checked your crazy ass. Let me know when that one was/is written. Enjoy Beyonce’!!!

2469 Bill Learning June 30, 2011 at 10:24 am

Too Funny love it. Thanks for the lifter today. sometimes ya just gotta go with it. Thanks again
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2470 Anthony June 30, 2011 at 10:35 am

Knock Knock, motherfucker had me crying laughing. Called people to tell them about it. That is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. You are one hysterical woman. Thanks for the great laugh.

2471 jeanette June 30, 2011 at 10:46 am

Thank goodness for men like Victor (don’t worry i have my own “victor” too) because where else would we find so much funny material? I have my own issues with roosters – check out the link above. Tell me are the getting popular or something?
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2472 Kristin June 30, 2011 at 11:00 am

I just want a drink now!

2473 Taylor June 30, 2011 at 11:15 am

OMG. How have I never stumbled across your blog before?! I have read this about six times and it still has not lost its humor. Hilarity! I have forwarded it to the world.

We will be BFF. I live in Houston, too, so it’s perfect!

2474 Julie June 30, 2011 at 11:26 am

So glad to see that you are free-ranging! Makes for wonderfully tasty organic eggs. Ooops! Don’t mean to be the Egg Nazi, but …NO EGGS FOR YOU…it’s a rooster. {{sigh}}

2475 Anonymous June 30, 2011 at 11:31 am

I wish I had money to waste too.

2476 Pamela June 30, 2011 at 11:39 am

Probably the best laugh I’ve had this YEAR! Absolutely will be sharing this with everyone. Thank you!

2477 Emily June 30, 2011 at 11:42 am

I die, I read this and was laughing out loud at work. First time ever reading your post and I sent the link to a few of my friends that share your sense of humor. Amazeballs.

2478 Tara June 30, 2011 at 11:56 am

Excellent prank, well played. I don’t know if I’m just cheap or what. CHEEP CHEEP. But if I’m going to spend $300 on a joke that might impale me or lacerate an artery well, I want that dag thing to stand up on its own. I don’t want to have to weight it down with wood or have to prop it. C’mon, helloooooo, design flaw. I can’t explain how my brain works, but that keeps coming to mind.

2479 Nancy June 30, 2011 at 11:58 am

Your chicken went viral.

2480 Penny June 30, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Loved it!

2481 Rachel June 30, 2011 at 12:30 pm

My parents *ACTUALLY HAVE ONE OF THESE CHICKENS*, except it’s a version handmade by a local metalcraft artist. (The same artist also makes giant metal flowers, which I have installed onto my porch in hopes of overwhelming the UPS delivery guy with heroin-grade whimsey.)

I’m still in shock that my mother — who is obsessed with her garden — gave my father permission to obtain a four-foot-tall rusty metal chicken and put it in her garden and has allowed it to remain there for about four years thus far.

2482 vickie June 30, 2011 at 12:47 pm

best. post. ever. i seriously peed my pants – well, almost – you should find a giant metal egg to go with her.

2483 Melody June 30, 2011 at 12:49 pm

So, I was momentarily despondent because the 15th anniversary of my marriage was Christmas Eve, 2002. I had missed the boat, because whatever gifts were exchanged were obviously NOT memorable. But then, the joyous realization that our 30th is coming up in 2017. And I think the traditional gift for that momentous occasion must be TWO big metal chickens!

2484 Sheila June 30, 2011 at 12:51 pm

This is the best thing I have read in a long time. Thank you for your adventure!

2485 Tilcia June 30, 2011 at 1:18 pm

OMG I seriously need at least 2 or 3 of those, where can I find some?

2486 Ann June 30, 2011 at 1:42 pm

this was flippen hilarious!

2487 svfish June 30, 2011 at 1:45 pm

this is hilarious. i think i found a new favorite blog that i can read while im pretending not to waste time at work. that’s what they get for making me sit in front a computer with internet all day…

2488 LAREE June 30, 2011 at 1:46 pm

OMG– I think we might be mischeif soul mates. I *heart* everything about this little learning experience.

2489 Krys Slovacek June 30, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Please tell me I am not the only person who cannot stop telling people, “this chicken will CUT you!”

The whole post was hysterical – thanks, Jenny!
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2490 Martirene June 30, 2011 at 2:09 pm

BRILLIANT!!!!!! Absolutely Brilliant!!!!!

2491 Aida June 30, 2011 at 2:28 pm

This is too funny! I want that chicken! Place it at my ex-husbands place. HeeHee

2492 Lynne Rose June 30, 2011 at 2:51 pm

LMAO! <3 it, sounds like something I would to to my hubby

2493 Ashley @ the fit academic June 30, 2011 at 3:22 pm

haha, love this story! *knock knock, motherfucker!!!” love it! That’s $100 well spent, if you ask me!
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2494 Ginger Newingham June 30, 2011 at 3:35 pm

If I brought that chicken home to my husband, he’d try to put her on my side of the bed and tell me that he had moved on…

and then he’d get tetanus.

Again, worth the $100.00.

2495 Betty aka ZacksNana June 30, 2011 at 4:21 pm

My first time here. But I just gotta say that story is hysterical! AND if you ever need to RELOCATE Beyonce’, I’ll take her off your hands!!! I love her/him. And the idea of leaving him on a friend’s door step to cheer them up REALLY appeals to me! Thanks for the giggles. I’m serious about taking her/him off your hands. Could Laura deliver to north central TEXAS??? Or maybe Victor would love to! :O) ROFLMAO

2496 Jenna @ Newlyweds June 30, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Love this, sadly this isn’t the first 5 ft chicken I’ve ever seen a neighbor down the street from us has one in there yard! Wonder if it was an anniversary gift!
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2497 knuckledragger June 30, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Just think, if you woulda just given him a blowjob, that would have saved yet another cool hundy on cock that won’t cut you… unless you show up with more pink towels that is…

2498 Bigsteve June 30, 2011 at 5:20 pm
2499 Indy June 30, 2011 at 5:29 pm

I forwarded this to my husband. I recently mentioned that I needed new laundry baskets and he said that I didn’t need new laundry baskets – that the ones I had could be repaired. We’re talking plastic laundry baskets here!!!!! I’m like “What???” This from a man who has to have every part of his bike in prestine condition. I mean, I use those freakin’ baskets everyday! An arguement ensued.
So I began to cleverly use black duct tape to tape up all the broken areas of the baskets – it took so much time that he finally said, “Okay, go buy some effin laundry baskets”. But of course, he said it very sarcastically and by then I had a point to prove…An hour later, I had the finished products.
We haven’t really spoken about the baskets since..but as the tape gives way, I’m sure he notices that they are going into the trash bin – never to reappear. Eventually we will have no more laundry baskets…and when it’s time…I’m just going to ask him which he’d rather me buy, the laundry baskets or a freakin’ 5 foot metal chicken!!! I’m sure the baskets will win, but I’ll be a little sorry about that…the chicken is just too cool.
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2500 Julie @ Willow Bird Baking June 30, 2011 at 5:54 pm

I think Beyonce is all kinds of cute! Hilarious post.
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2501 Andrea June 30, 2011 at 8:17 pm

I think I have Beoynce’s baby…. it’s a 4″ blown glass chicken I named Rufus. :-) They’re made for each other.

2502 Christy June 30, 2011 at 8:33 pm

I think the idea of a giant chicken is hilarious, but the attitude you and your husband take towards each other is really disrespectful. I’ve been married 33 years to a wonderful man. We have a great loving relationship built on humor, but mainly on respect for each other.

2503 Katrina June 30, 2011 at 9:26 pm

That was THE BEST BLOG EVER!! I am actually laughing so hard that its hard to even type because of the tears rolling down my face and impairing my vision.

I want a Beyonce!!! Nothing ways love like a 5 foot metal chicken :)

2504 Phaedra June 30, 2011 at 9:41 pm

I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. THANK YOU. I shared this with my husband, who is intimately familiar with these kinds of arguments with his spouse, and he laughed his butt off, too!

2505 Veronica June 30, 2011 at 10:00 pm

I think I love you…..

I almost woke my 3 year old la