And that’s why you should learn to pick your battles.

This morning I had a fight with Victor about towels. I can’t tell you the details because it wasn’t interesting enough to document at the time, but it was basically me telling Victor I needed to buy new bath towels, and Victor insisting that I NOT buy towels because I “just bought new towels“. Then I pointed out that the last towels I’d bought were hot pink beach towels, and he was all “EXACTLY” and then I hit my head against the wall for an hour.

Then Laura came to pick me up so we could go to the discount outlet together, and as Victor gave me a kiss goodbye he lovingly whispered, “You are not allowed to bring any more goddam towels in this house or I will strangle you“.   And that was exactly what I was still echoing through my head an hour later, when Laura and I stopped our shopping carts and stared up in confused, silent awe at a display of enormous metal chickens, made from rusted oil drums.

Laura:  I think you need one of those.

me:  You’re joking, but they’re kind of horrifically awesome.

Laura: I’m not joking. We need to buy you one.

me:  The 5-foot tall one was $300, marked down to $100.  That’s like, $200 worth of chicken for free.

Laura:  You’d be crazy not to buy that.  I mean, look at it. IT’S FULL OF WHIMSY.

me:  Victor’d be pissed.

Laura:  Yup.

me:  But on the plus side?  It’s not towels.

Laura:  Yup.

me:  We will name him Henry.  Or Charlie.  Or O’Shannesy.

Laura:  Or Beyoncé.

me:  Or Beyoncé. Yes.  And when our friends are sad we can leave him at their front door to cheer them up.

Laura:  Exactly. It’ll be like, “You thought *yesterday* was bad?  Well, now you have a enormous metal chicken to deal with.  Perspective.  Now you have it.”

Then we flagged down a salesman, and we were all “What can you tell us about these chickens?”, as if we were in an art gallery, and not in a store that specializes in last years’ bathmats.  He didn’t know anything about them, but he said that they’d only only sold one and it was to a really drunk lady, and then Laura and I were all “SOLD.  All this chicken belongs to us now.”

Insert-inappropriate-cock-joke-here.

So he loaded it onto a trolley, but Beyoncé was surprisingly unstable, and the giant 5 foot metal chicken crashed over onto the floor.  And Laura and I were all “CHICKEN DOWN!  CLEAN-UP IN AISLE 3″ but he didn’t laugh.  Then the manager came to see what was causing all the commotion, and that’s when he found the very-conservative salesman unhappily struggling to right an enthusiastically pointy chicken which was almost as tall as he was.  The salesman was having a hard time, and he told everyone to stand back “because this chicken will cut you“, and at first I thought he meant it as a threat, like “That chicken has a shiv”, but turns out he just meant that all the chickens’ ends were sharp and rusty.  It was awesome, and Laura and I agreed that even if we got tetanus, this chicken had already paid for himself even before we got it in her truck.

Then we got to my house and quietly snuck the chicken up to my front door, rang the doorbell, and hid around the corner.

Knock-knock, motherfucker.

Victor opened the door and looked at the chicken in stunned silence for about 3 seconds.  Then he sighed, closed the door and walked away.

Laura:  What the fuck?  That’s it?  That’s the only reaction we get?

me:  That’s it. He’s a hard man to rattle.

Victor was surprisingly pissed that I’d “wasted money” on an enormous chicken, because apparently he couldn’t appreciate the hysterical value of a 5 foot chicken ringing the doorbell.  Then I said, “Well, at least it’s not towels” and apparently that was the wrong thing to say because that’s when Victor screamed and stormed off, but I knew he was locked in his office because I could hear him punching things in there.  Then I yelled through his door, “It’s an anniversary gift for you, asshole.  Two whole weeks early.  15 YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS.”

Then he yelled that he wanted it gone, but I couldn’t move it myself, so instead I said okay and went to watch tv.  Then when the UPS guy came I hid, but he was all “Dude.  Nice chicken” and Victor yelled, “IT IS NOT A NICE CHICKEN”.  Which was probably very confusing to the UPS guy, who was just trying to be polite, Victor. Victor seemed more disgruntled than usual, so I finally dragged the chicken into the backyard and wedged it into a clump of trees so that it could scare the snakes away.  Then I came in and Victor angrily pulled me into his office so that I could see that I’d stationed Beyoncé directly in front of his only window.  And I was all “Exactly. YOU’RE WELCOME.”  I told him that he could move Beyoncé if he wanted to, but he totally hasn’t.  Probably because of all of the giant rocks I piled on Beyonce’s feet to dissuade burglars.  Or possibly because Beyoncé is growing on him.  Still, I can’t help but think that we wouldn’t even be having this argument if Beyoncé was towels.  Honestly, this whole chicken is really a lesson in picking your battles more carefully.  Plus, he’s awesome and I can’t stop giggling every time I look at him.  Beyoncé, that is.

Best. 15th anniversary. ever.

UPDATED 2012: It’s been half a year and people still continue to laugh, scream indignantly and to ask questions, so here are a few follow-ups.  Victor and I are still (of course) happily married and after a few weeks he got over his giant rooster aversion.  Beyonce stares at him from outside his office window.  I eventually got new towels.  “Knock-knock, motherfucker” is embroidered on all of them.  Victor was not impressed.  Beyonce-the-giant-metal-chicken now has her own Facebook page with over 30,000 highly imaginative fans, and you can buy your own travel-sized Beyonce right here for under $20.  You’re welcome world.  Now please stop yelling at me.

3,991 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Gold.

    This is what my life has been missing. A 5 foot chicken.

    katesaysstuff recently posted Menu Monday Linkup- Slow Cooker Stew and Sourdough.

  2. That is possibly the best purchase anyone has made ever. You would think Victor would be grateful Beyonce wasn’t towels – of the hot pink variety or otherwise. I feel like I NEED to go shopping with you because that chicken was A BARGAIN!! Keep up the good work.

    Starrynite recently posted Every silver lining….

  3. Bok BOK, motherfucker!

    edenland recently posted Roadtrippin with my two favourite allies.

  4. i am just laughing, thinking of the salesman – bless u Jen, i needed a giant metal chicken in my life :D

    Sheila (@stinginthetail) recently posted Some light reading….

  5. I seriously laughed out loud to the caption “Knock knock motherfucker” hahaha

    And Victor was right… it isn’t a nice chicken. It’s a nice cock ;)

    Leila (Don't Speak Whinese) recently posted Humpday Haiku- Let’s Get This Party Started!.

  6. Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. You really, seriously and for real, need to be my best friend. I would love to have chicken adventures with you. But, alas, we are miles away. Ah, unrequited love.

    Victor just doesn’t understand the dire need to have chickens in your life. But I do.

    Sarah Elizabeth recently posted Because Nobody Likes A Bruised Banana.

  7. Insomnia be damned – This is frigging hilarious.

    I want me a big metal chicken.

  8. By the time I post this there will be comments, but this is literally the firs ttime I’ve ever seen a post of yours with no comments… Also, Dude. nice chicken.

  9. I want to choke your chicken.

  10. OMG, I love this. Poor Victor… I can’t blame him for stressing, but OMG GIANT CHICKEN!!! I seriously think I’d have been tempted too!!

    Laynie recently posted Win a Beach Bag FULL of Awesome Kiss Supplies!.

  11. Or… I guess, I want to choke *Victor’s* chicken…

  12. Oh. My. Lord. I need a friend like you who encourages this kind of behavior. Because that is AMAZING!

    Elise recently posted If You Play Her Meows Backward- There Are Hidden Messages.

  13. Oh..my…god. I just laughed so hard I cried! I want a metal chicken that is as tall as me!!

  14. I don’t know if it’s because of the insomnia or the fact I have had a migraine all day or if that was the best story ever but I laughed my ass off. I’m sending my mother this link to with a note saying “Why I am not married” because you really have to build up to that kind of amazingness and I would start it on day one. I also want to know where you that chicken cuz my birthday is next month.

  15. Sigh. New Zealanders are basically drunk insomniacs. I would SO buy a 5 foot chicken for $100. You should drag him into your room next.

  16. Fucking awesome! Victor is a crabby chicken. Totally best anniversary gift ever!

  17. I’m emailing this to my husband as a warning the next time he tells me not to buy something… so fucking hilarious!

  18. Your post had me laughing out loud. I would do something like this, but probably only have the guts to purchase (and install at home) a 3-foot chicken of revenge. You ROCK. (Can we go shopping?)

    Mommy's Minions (@MommysMinions) recently posted 6-20 - Space Guy balances on a coffee delivery vehicle.

  19. and my boyfriend thought i was bad when i bought a shit ton of barbies, with which to make pervy lesbian comics with… see, i told him he was overreacting.

    Satan recently posted SHITTASTIC!!!.

  20. Ok, I ran across your blog from one Ms. AngryJulie on Twitter and holy crap I’m in love with you. Actually, I’m totally sending this post to my own hubby so that when I come home with some piece of randomness (earlier this year it was pillows) I can look to him and say, at least it wasn’t a five-foot tall chicken. That should settle that battle. Love.

    Brandon Smith recently posted These Ain’t Your Mother’s Ceiling Fans.

  21. This might be the most awesome blog entry ever. Even if there are no zombies included. Not yet.

  22. Damn. First the tequila gun, and now a five foot chicken. If they have any left, I’m driving to Texas right now. It will make up for the lack of baby pygmy goats in my yard. After you shared the video, and I watched it 5000 times, I decided to get some because they’d keep the lawn clipped, and look absolutely adorable doing it, but no, husband said we couldn’t get them because of “ordinances” or “covenants” or something, so at the very least I should be able to get a five foot chicken. I deserve it.

    Barbara recently posted Generic Pot.

  23. Was it Home Goods? This looks like a Home Goods purchase.

    (It was TOTALLY Home Goods. ~ Jenny)

  24. Aaaaaw, c’mon, Victor, everybody needs a little cock in their lives! Or a big fuckin’ chicken. Seriously? I love you. I wouldve just bought towels. A five foot cock is much more effective. *nodding appreciatively*

  25. so I’m feeling down…

    come plant that chicken in my front door window.

    pamela recently posted So….

  26. Oh. My. Fucking. God. Giant chicken. This is the single greatest thing I have seen in at least the last half hour, and I’ve seen some weird shit tonight. This whole post is the argument for why insomnia is sometimes awesome (even if it’s mostly an asshole).

  27. I really feel like the only thing you can do is add red LED lights where the eyes are located, then wheel that thing next to the sleeping form of your husband. Then you play some loud-ass, hopefully creepily metallic and not at all realistic chicken sounds (which you’ll have to purchase, of course) to awaken him. That can be on the actual anniversary, and he’ll finally realize the value of the sharp, rusty, five foot tall, $300 chicken.

  28. Where did you acquire that metal monstrosity? I ask because my parents (well…it was Mom’s doing) have a rooster motif in their kitchen and I think a giant metal rooster that gives love AND lockjaw is what’s missing.

    Also, I am neither drunk nor suffering from insomnia so I hope it’s ok that I read this.

  29. I am silently laughing with tears rolling down my cheeks, trying not to wake up the people who are actually sleeping right now. I never knew I needed a big metal chicken until now. I may love Beyonce more than James Garfield, and that’s saying a lot.

  30. I really can’t get over the size of that cock.

    PS I wonder if we are anniversary twinsies? July 13th, 1996?

    (July 4, 1996 ~ Jenny)

  31. You have got no idea how bad I want a huge metal chicken. Even more than I wanted the real ones I have. But, my real ones are not 5ft tall, so they’re really failures.

    Did they have ducks as well?

    Veronica recently posted Growing up and updates.

  32. Perhaps if you covered the chicken in towels????

  33. How is it that I have never felt the urge to buy a chicken the same height as menuntil this moment? If you ask me Victor is going to end up loving it. In about a couple of months you should offer to get rid of it and watch him squirm as his pride and love for Beyonce battle out internally. It’ll be at that moment you will know you’ve won.

    Lisa recently posted A weekend of chilling with the future bosses.

  34. Fantastic purchase. You just can’t pass up $200 worth of free chicken! Victor will come around. He just can’t argue that logic!

    I haven’t laughed so hard in such a long time. Brought tears to my eyes. Although my hubby seems to think it’s because I am currently sleep deprived and have hit the silly spot where everything seems hilarious. He just doesn’t get how funny a big metal chick ringing a door bell is! Men.

    Tracey recently posted Because I Feel Guilty.

  35. That chicken would make a hell of a towel rack.

  36. I usually hate birds, but this one is an exception.

  37. LMAO
    Also, how is it possible to have this many comments this fast after posting, this late at night?
    Are all your readers insomniatic drunks?
    Wait, don’t answer that.

    (For the record, I’m not currently drunk. I’m just an insomniatic pregnant lady who can’t get comfy enough to sleep in her third trimester.)

  38. I am seriously disturbed by the number of parallels between your story and my experience in grad school.

    1. Ridiculous quantity of money spent
    2. My adviser frequently threatened to cut people. In the shiv kind of way.
    3. No one appreciated the hilarity of my practical jokes.
    4. I spent entirely too much time around poultry, including chickens AND turkeys.
    5. At least one fellow student had hair like the comb on your metal chicken.
    6. Long suffering husband.

  39. My. What a nice cock you have there.

    Kay Bee recently posted Monday Miscellaneous.

  40. I am very glad you decided to post this, because it spawned a conversation with my husband that ended with me making this statement:

    “I will NOT be sitting at home like some kind of idiot asshole while you go gallivanting around at reach-around diners.”

  41. That looks *exactly* like something I would ironically fall in love with (that my husband also wouldn’t understand) like Modern Art or WIlliam Shatner. Never change. Hey! Maybe we could all send you one new, random towel. Then you can have towel and Victor can’t get mad cuz you didn’t actually buy them. But imagine his face when he discovered your stockpile of towel. Imaginarily priceless.

    Cassie recently posted the day my world tried to fall apart.

  42. I wish I lived close to you, so when I was feeling down you’d always be there to give me a giant metal cock.

  43. @#41 – Cassie
    Now see, I was just going to suggest that we all send her a dollar so that Victor could no longer be mad about the chicken because WE paid for it, not Jenny. And well, the story about the chicken is WELL worth the dollar.

    That said, I’m willing to send a dollar AND a towel.

  44. It kinda makes me sad that I am divorced and cannot put a giant, shiv wielding cock at the front door–ring the bell and run and hide while my husband answers the door. The fact that a huge metal chicken can make me regret my marital status is frightening. That is one of the most AWESOME uses of $100 not spent on towels I have ever seen!

  45. Also, I think Victor is just secretly jealous because no anniversary gift he buys you could possibly top a 5-foot chicken. Don’t hate, Victor.

    And, my mom and step-dad’s 25th anniversary is July 4th. Mom says he picked it so he wouldn’t screw up and forget their anniversary. The kids still forget it sometimes though, but I blame the distraction of fireworks.

  46. 47
    LOLing in dorms

    I laughed out loud in my dorm when I read this part:
    “Then I came in and Victor angrily pulled me into his office so that I could see that I’d stationed Beyonce directly in front of his only window. And I was all “Exactly. YOU’RE WELCOME.” ”

    and because our walls are paper thin my jackass neighbour kept knocking on the wall…….hahahahhahaha

  47. This is hilarious. Poor Victor, though. I can imagine he’s got so much funny going on in his life he just doesn’t know what to do with himself. He reminds me of my third roommate in college, who my other roommate and I accidentally made cry. I can’t remember what we had done, but it was funny and roomie #3 just wasn’t playing ball.

    So be careful and don’t make Victor cry, OK?

  48. i would take a trip around the world for that chicken… and you!

    “hi victor!”

    neers recently posted Le Gémeaux.

  49. I was at the end of a very shitty day (hubby can’t fly home tonight because of the stoopid volcano ash cloud), but this post has made my day…. quite likely my week (its only Tuesday) and possible my month.
    That is so fucking funny I have been crying tears of laughter for 10 minutes already. I had to walk away twice because I couldn’t breath in between the fits of laughter….. omfg… I am coming back here more often!!
    Thanks soooo much for the laugh <3

  50. Put me down for $1 and a towel and also that I love a doorbell-ringing cock.

  51. I have to say, my sympathy’s with Victor on this one. He has had to be very understanding of these purchases. James Garfield was pushing it, I think maybe Beyoncé should go back…

  52. I love you, woman. I truly do.

    Jools recently posted Please help.

  53. aawwww man this links PERFECTLY with my latest blog post! Oh and I think Victor is amazing for not strangling you. Maybe you should make some Beyonce Chicken cards to sell to negate the money spent on said metallic fowl. It worked for James Garfield did it not?

    Louise recently posted The solemn business of naming your chicken.

  54. I can’t stop laughing and can’t remember the last time I laughed this hard! I’m not sleeping tonight and am now glad for it! You’re are Awesome Jenny! Don’t ever forget that!

  55. Please make t-shirts and cards with pictures of that chicken and “insert cock joke here” on them…. Bet the chicken turns a profit.

  56. I can’t wait until the metal chicken starts to lay eggs.

    Lynn from For Love or Funny recently posted Charge up your guns It’s dinner time.

  57. This post is good for people with insomnia And people who have been camping and therefore felt crap. That’s a *double* win (which is a bit like a double rainbow, only with less crying and more Charlie Brooker…)

    Kim recently posted I could have sworn I had something interesting to say.

  58. Ok so that is the funniest shit I have read in a while…needed that laugh Jenny. Omg; I want one! Definitely not chicken little…lol

  59. Here they come to snuff the rooster-
    You know he ain’t gonna die.

    Alice in Chains.

  60. Crying. With. Laughter. This is seriously hysterical.

    I hope you’ll be glad to know your humour is going down brilliantly in my little part of the world, the original Hampshire. :-D

    Sahara Desert recently posted thesaharadesert- 15th anniversary present- Texas-style- http-tco-LoxmIyA via the fantastic @TheBloggess.

  61. AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I cried!! And cried!! And the kids wanted to know why I was laughing and crying all at the same time. I let them read it………………….but they didn’t get it! Maybe when they have been married for 14+ years they will get it. Or maybe not as they are all males. I get it, and I love it. Thank you for sharing.

  62. 63
    craig @09thehippy

    On one hand I am really worried for you because you’re not sleeping. On the other hand you are seriously fucking funny when drunk, high or sleep deprived. So I’m conflicted here. It’s like I’m laughing at your insomnia. Or because of it. I can’t be sure. See my dilemma.

    PS. Did you find any more info on citronella and valilla essence as a scorpion repellant?

  63. 64
    JDaniel4's Mom

    I bet they were excited to see the chicken go to a loving home.

  64. 65
    Sandra (a.k.a. Sandrandan)

    I NEED a giant chicken in my yard!!!!!!!!

  65. bahahaha this is hilarious! And also, a really great gift idea for my mother. No joke. She would die for this. Where did you get it?

    Jenna
    momofmanyhats.blogspot.com

    Jenna recently posted My Life in France.

  66. I choked on how big that cock was and so did my significant other who whimsically said why wasn’t mine as big as that.

    My manhood is at -1000 XP

  67. I laughed sooooooooo hard! Poor Victor. Poor Beyonce. Poor sleep deprived Jenny.

  68. OMG THIS STORY IS SO AWESOME. I love this. :D

    linda recently posted For My Fifteen-Year-Old Self.

  69. At least you have chicken.

    Happy anniversary to both of you.

    Mr Farty recently posted Pentland Walk.

  70. my baby and I saw chickens, pigs and frogs at H.E.B. on Saturday, which one of those would look good on Mindy’s front lawn?

  71. Jenny, I’ve been reading your blog for years and I don’t remember ever laughing as hard as I did with this post. When I scrolled down to the picture of the chicken in front of the door, my coffee almost came out of my nose. Which sort of hurts.

    Amy @ A Little Nosh recently posted Menu Plan Monday 6-20.

  72. Dang, I with the fights I have with my husband were half as interesting as the ones you have with Victor. On the bright side, we’ll be having our 15th anniversary in a year and a half, so I’ll be on the look out for a large metal chicken. Hmmm. Except I’m in decluttering mode and there isn’t room in his man-cave and we don’t have a back hard (though it would look mighty fine in the front yard, except — despite the size — I’m concert the the neighborhood hooligans would wander off with it)… maybe I’ll try to find him a small, desk-sized metal chicken. It’s a good thing I have a year and a half to find it.

    Kelly recently posted Fractal No 304.

  73. I think I see the problem. Fifteen years is Big Metal Chickens and you got him a Big Metal Rooster. Awkward.

    You may have to take him through gender reassignment. And by him, I mean the rooster.

    Marinka recently posted Young Ladrinka is Ten.

  74. You are so brilliant! You totally win that battle. Giant Chicken Beyonce rules…seriously you gave Victor such a practical gift.

  75. I officially want a giant metal chicken. Too funny!!

    Leanna recently posted Whats In My Purse.

  76. That’s beyond amazing. I almost choked on my cereal like 3 times.

    Beckles recently posted Im Not Sure Whether to Find This Depressing or Encouraging.

  77. “Knock, knock, motherfucker.” Best picture and caption ever in the history of ever. Ever.

    Kathy recently posted How Not to Get Free Coupons.

  78. That chicken is glorious. I can think of several people in my life who definitely need one.

    Evil_Cat_Grrl recently posted So happy….

  79. You are a genius and I love you. Thank you for the chicken-at-the-front-door photo. I have not laughed that hard since you took a picture of your parents back yard.

    Also, i think you could use Beyonce as a towel holder, if you wanted.

    Annadanna (from Canada) recently posted Not all dads are jackoffs.

  80. Best part of my morning, reading about Beyonce!!!!!!!

    Koockie recently posted Got 99 problems but a drink aint one.

  81. that is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. thank you!!!

    {and happy 15th}

    carrie recently posted State facts.

  82. WANT. I’d use it as a chicken decoy, to draw REAL chickens to my front yard. But only because I appreciate nature. And dinner. Because I’m capable of killing two birds with one stone, both figuratively and literally, I think.

    Angela@BeggingTheAnswer recently posted You Dont Win Friends With Salad!.

  83. someday victor will learn to be more specific

    Hamlets mistress recently posted What Amy’s Been Reading….

  84. Oh my god, I wish we were BFFs and we went shopping together like every single day and bought stuff because it’d be awesome. I have a habit of buying things simply because they are hilarious. It’s why I have a ~1 ft tall colorful chicken in my kitchen.

    Also, for Christmas my mom got me a wooden box full of tea. With a cock on it. She said she spent the longest time trying to find some sort of assortment of tea without a rooster so that she would not have to deal with me announcing that I had received a cock box all day long.

    Victor should be happy that you didn’t put your mighty cock behind the couch so that anyone who sat back was in danger of being pecked in the head.

  85. This was nothing short of the funniest fucking thing I’ve read all week… maybe all month. “That’s $200 worth of chicken for free!” Just when I think I should stop paying attention to you, you send me this and totally redeem yourself. Once again, glad to be following.

    Ninja Mike recently posted Freedom.

  86. Happy anniversary! We’re celebrating 8 years today.

    I would love to have a goddamned cock lawn ornament, but I worry that my king cobra lawn ornament would want to eat it (can you see the headlines? The snake eats the cock??) Besides, the lawn gnomes are already stressed out as it is.

    Yes, our neighbors LOVE US.

    cagey recently posted Scream Thy Last Scream.

  87. It kind of looks like the good luck chickens they make in Portugal, only giant sized. If Victor tries to get rid of it, tell him he’ll have bad luck for years. Happy 15th anniversary!

  88. 15 is the giant metal chicken year?! Where am I going to find another giant metal chicken?!

    Happy Anniversary. 15 is awesome.

  89. 90
    Just A. Reader

    Victor DOES know what a lucky man he is, right? Nobody else I know gets life lessons like this on such a regular basis.

  90. I am in desperate need of a giant metal chicken! This is great!! :)

  91. Wow! My 15th anniversary is next week, and I had no idea that the 15th is Big Metal Chickens! Once again, your blog is both timely and informative! My husband will be so pleased.

  92. You know, maybe he hates it not just for it’s aesthetic value an utter impracticality. No every man wants to be given a giant cock as an Anniversary gift. Subliminal messages are messing with him, telling him he doesn’t measure up… But then again, you can flip that right around and say it is in honor of 15 years of enjoying his “big chicken.” Cheers. VB

    Vinobaby recently posted Why I Deserve My Mommy WineAnd So Do You.

  93. Oh. My. God. It may be because I haven’t slept more than 2 hours in a row for the last 9 months, but that was the funniest thing I’ve read in, well, forever. Thank you. And tell Victor thanks, too, for hating towles so much.

  94. OMG. Truly in hysterics over here. Like I had to wait for my breathing to get to seminormal before I attempted typing. I think the best thing for me is that in my pre-caffeinated haze, I didn’t fully take in the size of the chicken, even in the photo in the store, I thought it might have just been a chicken head. But then I got to the photo of the chicken at your door and could not control the laughter as I finally took in the spectacle of what $300 of chicken looks like.
    Happy anniversary to you and welcome to the family to Beyoncé.

    Angelique recently posted Free to play.

  95. I just laughed so hard that I snorted.

  96. Now I want one! :D

    Phoenix Talon recently posted Murphy is Out to Get Me.

  97. OMG! I just laughed so hard in the coffee shop the coffee guy asked me what I was laughing at!
    Suzanne

  98. I love this. Still laughing very hard! Bringing home a metal chicken in lieu of towels was def not what a husband would expect. God I love this post. You are flippin’ awesome!

  99. Giant metal chicken joy. That is what you have done.

  100. I want you to know that I plan on quietly saying, “Knock-knock, motherfucker.” To EVERYONE I see today. Everyone.

    You just made today worth it.

    Kelly recently posted Fourrible.

  101. 102
    Jamie Lynn

    Now I need a 5 foot cock.

  102. I can’t wait to get to 15 years so I can get a Big Metal Chicken for my anniversary! And I so LOVE that you named him Beyonce….that is fuckin awesome! You so made my migraine better this morning.

    Knock knock motherfucker

    Karen recently posted Fibro Friday! - Spotlight on Fibro Duck and introducing a new friend!.

  103. That was awesome! Loved the story. Hope it’s growing on your hubby as each day passes.

    Trina Stewart recently posted Our MMVA Experience Sans The Show.

  104. I have tears streaming down my face. This is the greatest chicken story in the story of chickens. Beyonce is Legend! Love!

  105. 106
    Paula schuck

    I am lmao at you two in the store causing a commotion. It is awesome that yu have a friend equally crazy enough to see the value in this amazing piece of art.

    Paula schuck recently posted Stylish and Affordable Glasses and an Exclusive Deal.

  106. Wow $300 to spite your husband? You are retarted.

  107. And all this time I’ve thought my $5 (on clearance–originally $20) peacock was impressive. Now I know better.

  108. I think it’s safe to say that Victor has learned a lesson here. Well, we hope anyway.

    Anna recently posted I Need Your Help- Dr Internet Friends.

  109. This is an amazing story. But man, that chicken is hideous.

    Les recently posted The head of St Vitalis of Assisi.

  110. Oh. My. God. That is awesome.
    Make a tshirt about this, stat.
    I will buy it.
    Because I will NOT buy a chicken like that.
    Damn stores around here aren’t carrying any.
    Assholes.

    SarcasminAction recently posted Blogger Face Off Round 6.

  111. Goddamn right! That is one of the best chicken purchases I have ever seen! I would spend $100 on that in the drop of a chicken beak! Think of the uses!

    Jess recently posted Housewarming Gifts.

  112. Isn’t that a rooster?! I think this post would have been lots funnier if you said ‘cock’ more. I mean, it’s hilarious, but that would have brought Beyonce to a whole other level.

    John B recently posted things Ive learned recently cough phoning it in today.

  113. Did they have any giant flamingos? I would totally drive to Texas and rent a Uhaul if the had 5 foot metal flamingos.

  114. I can see my husband buying that just so he could say to people, “Hey, wanna see my 5 foot cock?” But he’d have been just as happy with towels since we ALWAYS seem to be short on towels.

  115. Am I the only one who wants to see what kind of fucked up, sharp-ass eggs that cock would sire?

  116. I didn’t realize until just now that anniversaries are competitive events, and that, if you do them correctly, there should be a clear winner. My wife will be so happy that, after 30 years, I will finally get this right. Can you do birthdays the same way. Mine’s coming up, and I NEED one of those chickens.

    Jonah Gibson recently posted Darwin in Gatorland.

  117. Put me down for sending you a towel in the mail. Maybe I’ll even do an iron-on transfer of a chicken. You know, to coordinate with Beyonce.

  118. What disgruntled employee at what failing company came up with the idea for that chicken do you think?

    That said, brava.

    Stimey recently posted Sam- Creative- Thoughtful- and Respectful.

  119. Victor needs to get over it. I mean, it could be worse – you could have bought him 2 giant metal balls like we have near the Main Building at the University of Texas, passing as “art.” Course, the theme *is* similar — giant balls, giant cock . . . interesting.

    (And I would totally donate a dollar towards the cause to help Victor feel better about your purchase).

  120. AWESOME. I’m still astonished that a 5 foot metal decorative chicken is an item for sale in a store anywhere….I want to know who’s buying these for non-hilarious purposes.

  121. BTW…hilarious post. I’m still giggling, and I’m not a giggler. Thanks. I needed that.

    Jonah Gibson recently posted Darwin in Gatorland.

  122. LMFOA!!! At work in open-plan office!! Not good!!

    Also, have sent link to husband for training purposes. Be thankful we have towels, young man, and no 5ft metal chickens. (Is it just me or does Beyonce remind you of the Wallace and Gromit penguin with a washing up glove on its head? Sinister.)

  123. I think I’m in love with the chicken! This is hysterical! Oh and Happy Early Anniversary. :)

    Sarah Peduzzi recently posted Friends- Dont forget about them.

  124. Love it!!! I have a 3 foot chicken that is very similar. His name is Henry and he is perched on top of our fridge and looks down at us. I like to think he’s watching over us and protecting us.

    rachel recently posted Treasure- A horse is a horse.

  125. size does matter. enormous is always better.

    pattypunker recently posted show us your meat.

  126. This is the best shopping adventure ever! You rock!

    The Escrow Goddess recently posted Weight Watchers just might be turning me into an alcohlic Well- at least I will be a skinny drunk.

  127. 128
    Irishmama

    I can’t breathe!

    I love how you have the big rock on the chickens feet to hold him in place, so that he can’t run in the house and mix it up with James Garfield.

  128. I am totally filing this little tidbit away for when my husband won’t let me buy something I want. I just hope it’s around our anniversary.

    And I already have picked out my own chicken. But it’s a suit of armor from Garden Ridge. I might get two. One in gold and one in silver. Because I’m kind of fickle. And I think I’ll name the gold one Benoit, and the silver one Ray.

    Thanks for the shopping tip. Can’t wait to use it.

    C-

    carolyn recently posted Old Rags and Tailors - Normal or Not Normal THAT is the Question.

  129. I read you all the time and find you hilarious. But this takes the cake.

    Totally the best chicken story I’ve ever heard, and that includes all the reasons I’ve heard it crossed the road.

  130. I bloody adore you, woman.

    Though technically, Beyonce is a rooster. So perhaps Victor is offended that you bought him a giant metal cock for your anniversary?

    Anyway, nice cock, dude. All the single chickens, all the single chickens…..now put yer beaks up, beaks up…..

    Ms. Pants recently posted nails and a movie.

  131. Thank you, I’ve never laughed so hard, like ever, plus I’m deep in the throes of PMS-depression, but I now believe that husband-aggravating giant chickens may be the long sought after cure for that affliction…Also, Please tell Victor I’m laughing WITH him not AT him every time I visualize that damn chicken just standing there, being NOT TOWELS, and staring blankly into his window

  132. Priceless! I want me one.

    The Six-Fingered Monkey recently posted Gorilla Tits.

  133. 134
    pinatasgotthebat

    Did James Garfield teach Victor nothing? Just wait. Come Holiday season, when Beyonce joins The Bloggess League of Unlikely Saints, and starts performing miracles and shit, Victor will change his tune. Unless he *wants* children to go without food and toys?

  134. That is one fantastic cock. I don’t know how Victor managed not to totally lose his shit laughing all over the place. Completely fantastic.

    Dangerboy recently posted Surviving the Life.

  135. 136
    SungaiKecil

    I seriously can’t stop laughing. I laughed so hard I woke my kids up.
    *best*

  136. What man wouldn’t appreciate a GIANT METAL CHICKEN!?

    Oh, I asked my husband. Apparently none.

    Why do we keep them around again?

  137. Return it for not being able to stand, get discounted more, and buy towels with the free money. Thrifty is sexy, so he’ll appreciate that! However could he compete with this gift?! He couldn’t.

    mrtl recently posted Youll Never Call Me Beer Buckets.

  138. Moral of the story: Men are threatened by large cocks?

    Mandy Fish recently posted When Baby Is Quiet.

  139. nothing says happy anniversary like big cock!

    p.s. every time i think of “knock – knock, motherfucker” i crack up. i so needed this today. xoxo

  140. from now on, every towel you buy should have a chicken on it . . . . .

  141. You have given new meaning to the term “Cock-blocker”

    Jay Lee recently posted Sun Halo – May 4- 2011.

  142. Loved the Knock Knock Motherfucker, I just about died laughing at this comment…

    “Bok Bok Motherfucker”

  143. Jenny, Jenny, Jenny,

    I could have so used a 5′ cock on my door step this morning. Thank you for being the ward of unwanted animal bizarrities. I needed this chicken story this morning.

    -robin sans giant chicken

  144. My did almost the same thing. They were at Burlington and saw this two ducks. They had been marked down from from a lot to $12.50 each. So they bought them and they’ve lived in our backyard ever since. The employees were sad to see them go.

    Xander recently posted Season of Cliffhangers.

  145. Husband and “co-worker at home guy” came into my office to find out what was making me laugh and choke and spit Diet Dr.Pepper out of my nose, wonderful. Thanks for the yucks.

  146. I’m not going to lie.

    I kind of hope that is exactly what I get for my 15th anniversary.

    I wonder if they ship to Seattle.

  147. Jenny, I feel I should warn you about the following possibility: Leaving Beyonce in the woods outside is just asking for wasps to build nests in there. Which is fine if you never move him, but if Victor ever does decide to move him… that chicken will not only cut him, but also sting him unmercifully. Once a wasp built a nest right inside the door to my gas tank. Those Texas wasps are sneaky little things. You want to fill up your Jeep and then SURPRISE! an angry disoriented wasp flies out at you.

    On the other hand, a giant metal chicken that shoots wasps at you sounds like just the sort of thing that you might enjoy. So, enjoy!

  148. Tell me where to send the dollar and a towel. Seriously. Tell me. Because I have not laughed so hard and for so long… I will totally help pay off that purchase. And lord knows, if there’s anything I love, it’s a huge…chicken.

  149. Aww, why can’t I ever find 5-foot-tall metal chickens on clearance for 1/3rd of the price? Jealous.

    Oh, and that’s a HUGE COCK! Bwahaha I couldn’t help myself.

    Kendahl recently posted One of my favorite actors one of my favorite actresses how could it be bad.

  150. Can’t . Breathe. Laughing . So. Hard. Please please PLEASE do the t-shirts and the postcards.

  151. Is it far too obvious for me to say “Victor is likely suffering from cock envy”?

  152. That. Is. Awesome. Thinking about doing something like that to my fiance, just to go ahead and break him in.
    Also, awesome, awesome friend. Good friends make friends buy ugly crazy crap.

    Allyn recently posted Treasure- A horse is a horse.

  153. No wonder he’s pissed!

    HE is supposed to be giving YOU a big cock for your anniversary. NOT the other way around.

    Ed Adams recently posted Eating Spunk While The Kiddo Is Away At Camp.

  154. I’ll have to remember that one. 15 years is Giant Metal Chickens… hmmm.

    CaJoh recently posted Spin Cycle- Watch Your Step at the Wishing Well.

  155. Seriously I am moving … we don’t have amazing cool shit here at all…. I want one…

    Honestly I think that Victor is an asshole, because only assholes see the world of huge metal chickens in a bad way. The only thing that would make it better is to have it on your porch and install a sensor that when people walk by it says “Only knock if you have brass ones” Or something like that in the voice of “chicken hawk” … remember him???

  156. First time blg reader here. I was only able to post after I wiped my eyes with a tissue. Freakin’ hysterical.

  157. This story has made my morning! Love it so so much!!

  158. I want a five foot chicken named Beyonce!

  159. You are my hero. I love that your sense of whimsy does not quail before a giant metal chicken. Thanks for making another happy spot on my mental landscape.

    Summer recently posted gangsta style game pun.

  160. You Wear A Disguise To Look Like Human Guys, But You’re Not A Man You’re A Chicken Booooooo…

  161. That’s LMAO great! Totally worth $100. I love you have it watching him through the window. I bet he gets more work done with inspiration just a glance away.

    Melinda recently posted This Isn’t What I Expected My Worst Job Ever.

  162. “15 Years Is Big Metal Chickens” sounds like the perfect title for the pilot episode of the Jenny and Victor show. Maybe you should start writing it. He probably will forgive you (in time) if you became a big Hollywood writer AND you could buy him a bigger house with more bathrooms, more linen closets (for the towels), and room for the lawn art* collection.

    *art is used loosely here…

    Cece recently posted Training Opposite The Tendency-Theory of Opposite Action.

  163. Brilliant! Love It. My wife & I are reaching our 10th anniversary and I quite honestly feel as if we have the same relationship as you do here! Thanks for the ideas…pick your own battles!

  164. I so understand exactly how you feel. I once bought a very soft stuffed F.R.O.G that was plushy with blue and white flowers at a Mobil Mart because the letters stood for Fully Rely On God and I was drunk and it was like 3 am and how could I not buy a God F.R.O.G that was sending me spiritual messages at a gas station. But some how when I got in the car with my new shaman my husband picked a fight with me and told me I was bad with money and I was all like “DUDE, for like 2.99 I have been saved!!!”

    He didn’t believe me. And now the F.R.O.G. sits in my underwear bin being a pervert.

    A Vapid Blonde recently posted Hurry Up Shut The Door Behind You Put On This Cloak Of Ultimate Protection Alternate Title- I May Have Lost My Marbles A-Fucking-Gain.

  165. This post completely made my day! And the chicken standing at the front door = best photo ever! Happy Anniversary – Victor is a lucky man!

  166. I am so, so glad that if I came home with that chicken, my boyfriend would be all THIS IS FUCKING AMAZING I LOVE YOU. And if I went to the store with him and we saw one, HE would be the one going RACHAEL WE NEED THIS. And I would say: “YEAH we do.” And we’d have a chicken. Where can I get a chicken?

    Rachael recently posted Horrible Medical Advice of the Week- Ancient Native American Dandruff Remedy.

  167. You need to make Happy Anniversary cards from Beyonce now and sell them to help pay for her room & board. Then Victor can’t complain about how you much you spent b/c it was both an investment and you were giving a giant homeless Cock a yard to play in and a window thru which to watch Victor endlessly.

    P.S. You should totally put some blinking L.E.D. lights in the eyes then wait till night to turn them on & off to scare the crap out of Victor.

  168. That is a damn nice chicken, I don’t care what Victor says.

    Karen recently posted Wait Youre supposed to use a cell phone to talk to people.

  169. OMG….frickin’ hilarious. My husband is also always bitching about towels. I’m on a mission now for a giant “chicken/cock”….lol

  170. Holy crapper, I needed a laugh! We are full of dying grandfathers and strokey dads around my dwelling. If we had an enormous metal chicken life would be better.

    That Uncomfortable Itch recently posted These days.

  171. We’ve only been married for nine years, but we’ve been together for fifteen. Does that count? Because I really, really need to get Mister W a giant metal chicken.

    Leigh recently posted Its Like Camping Without All The SMores!.

  172. Tsk Tsk at Victor for exhibiting such Fowl behavior…

  173. It’s posts like these that make me glad I’m all alone in the house. My husband tends to look at me funny when I laugh maniacally in front of the computer.

    Lynn @ Walking With Scissors recently posted You can thank my brother for this one….

  174. When I have my 15th wedding anniversary in a few years, I want to go shopping with you. Seriously. I will find a way to transport you to Missouri, so that we can go shopping for something equally as awesome as a five foot rusty sharp chicken.

    Sarah recently posted A Week’s Worth of Irritation.

  175. Ohhh goodness … I’m dyin’ over here on Vancouver Island! I think the hundred bucks you spent on Beyonce was just about the best thing you could have done. I’ll be laughing over this story for days.
    ;-)

  176. If I had a giant metal chicken…my life would be complete. Especially if it was a freakin $300 quality chicken for the price of $100! I don’t know what’s wrong with the world if it had to go on sale! I’m honestly surprised it didn’t sell out in seconds! >.<

    Lexa recently posted Leave Me Alone you Itchy Sweaters!.

  177. I just had to come and tell you that I am in TEARS. I am laughing SO HARD. Awesome.

    Kristi recently posted Delicious Weekend.

  178. I blogged about a giant metal chicken last week! but I didn’t buy him (or her, I admit, I am not sure) but I should have. he would look awesome in my cubicle. Giant metal chickens are the new black.

  179. I’ve just been a lurker until now.
    But seriously “Knock Knock Motherfucker.”
    You made my day.

  180. Victor: $100 worth of towels or $100 worth of chicken. Looks like you win…

    Brandy recently posted I believe Ive avoided being morbid.

  181. I sent this to my boyfriend. He felt the need to call and tell me “No chickens!!!” I feel like he knows me too well.

    Random recently posted Have you ever noticed.

  182. 183
    Elizabeth B

    Victor obviously doesn’t appreciate good whimsy when he sees it.

  183. This story made me giggle inappropriately at work. You win. :)

    Erik recently posted Story a Week - Part Twenty-one - Murder Cruise.

  184. Sweet! and perfect, since it’s our 43rd anniversary today :)

  185. This just made me laugh so hard I cried. I aspire to maybe being, one day, a vague reflection of your greatness. If only my budget would allow me a five foot tall metal chicken o_o

  186. I have the same chicken, Rayland.

  187. That. Is. Fan.Fucking.Tastic.
    Also? I brought home a distant cousin in December! I got the same reaction, except mine was at the airport. he just hung his head in bewilderment.

    Lady Estrogen recently posted Move Over Struzan- Theres a New Bitch in Town.

  188. I just love you.

    And now I want a metal chicken.

    Angella recently posted Rays Of Sunshine.

  189. “Knock, Knock motherfucker” Ha!!! You are a RIOT!!! And your man must be made of steel not to have melted down in laughing fits!

    Catherine Chandler recently posted Seattle- SNAG- and The Sale!!!.

  190. My headache & my vocal baby must be messing with my head. By the end of this it was a 15 foot chicken! Hey Victor, at least it wasn’t a 15 foot chicken standing at your door! Now I must look for the 15 foot chicken for my 15th anniversary. I’ve got 9 years to find him. Nah, I like cats. So it would have to be a 15 foot cat staring down at my husband. Ok, carry on :D

    L.A.C.E. recently posted Hope For Carsen.

  191. Beyonce, is SOOO much better than towels. What was Victor thinking?

    NotJustAnotherJennifer recently posted My First Time.

  192. I totally would have rang the bell and hidden as well. But my husband would have probably picked it up and heaved it across the road or something, because he is easy to rattle. lol Happy Anniversary! May you have many more. I think 16 is towels, by the way.

    Polish Mama on the Prairie recently posted Pickle Hamburgers.

  193. DOH! … I posted in the wrong place … here’s a second try. I blame it on lack of sleep.

    So … I can testify that hammocks are FABULOUS. Now there’s proof. Try this with your five foot cock next to you and I imagine you’ll sleep like a baby. Also … drinking a Killer Bee helps too. http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2011/06/20/137300311/why-hammocks-make-sleep-easier-deeper?sc=fb&cc=fp

  194. I started out grateful I don’t have to ask permission to buy towels. Now I’m wishing I had someone to aggravate with a giant rusty chicken. Come to think of it, the aldermen who voted against allowing a 4-H member to have chickens in our city might deserve a visit from mega-chicken . . .

  195. Best. Blog post. Ever. Happy Anniversary!

    Carla (@chickmae) recently posted Sooke baby!.

  196. First of all, Victor needs to lose the damn attitude, you didn’t get towels, he needs to be a hell of a lot more specific YOU NEVER CLAIMED TO BE PSYCHIC, how the hell were you supposed to know he wouldn’t like a 5 foot metal chicken named Beyonce? Jezus Victor get in the game dude, it’s like you don’t even know her and shit? Be Specific ! When you were all flipping injuring your self in another country all AWOL with her passport locked up and being selfish she was there ( not physically because you fucking locked up her passport and wouldn’t tell her the town because you were huffing mexican jumping beans to deal with the pain or whatever) but mentally dude, she was there. Now this? Let me tell you something dude, if You got Jenny a 5 foot cock for you guys 15 year anniversary she would lock her self in her room and punch shit. Mostly because punching shit would hurt her hands but that’s besides the point. Right now Victor I am pretty upset with your reaction, which is bad timing on your part considering our local 60 year goofy putt putt golf place just went out of business and they have shit tons of crazy huge things for sale. You better get in line man.

    ThePeachy1 recently posted Tell it Tuesday- Not even advice.

  197. If you didn”t love Beyonce before, you gotta love her now. Thanx for sharing. Hilarious.

  198. I have solutions ! Move the 5 foot cock into the bathroom and hang the pink towels on it. Make Victor ONLY use pink towels hung from the beak of the big rooster. There. phew, solved. you’re welcome.

    ThePittsofBeingPeachy recently posted I got honked- won 20 and no nuts were tazered.

  199. That is phenomenal.

  200. That was totally worth the wait. How much would it cost to have him shipped around the country?

    Rita Arens recently posted Will It Stick This Time.

  201. Dear Jenny’s Blog,
    Jenny can’t be with you right now, but she loves you and misses you very much. She will come back to you as soon as she can, but don’t be scared or sad because we are all here to love you and take care of you until she gets back.

    XOXO,
    Aunt Erin

  202. Hi Jenny’s blog.

    Jenny asked me to drop by and tell you that she misses you. Don’t worry I’m sure she’ll come back soon.

  203. OMG that is Hysterical and NOw I want one!

  204. That second photo just made my day. It was even better than the broadcast email we just got from the cafeteria chef advertising today’s lunch special in all caps:

    “SANGRE DE CHRISTO NACHOS $6.00″

    Because who doesn’t want BLOOD OF CHRIST NACHOS?

    Jess recently posted On RVs.

  205. My eyes are full of tears right now, from the hysterical laughter. That photo of the chicken on the doorstep is pure platinum awesomeness.

    And the thought of a rooster named Beyonce is even more hilarious. I had no idea you could buy a gay metal rooster that will cut you.

  206. I think you have a very grand entry way to your house. Beyoncé belongs there. Not only is she an awesome conversation starter, she will scare away any and all solicitors you might get.

  207. Hi Jenny’s blog … she so misses you and your big Cock

  208. This is all 100% true and exactly how it happened. Only the giant metal chicken was only $99, not $100. Also, Victor still owes me a better reaction. And I will collect. Oh yes I will.

  209. Your cock is colorful and beautiful! The ones I’ve seen around here (and contemplated stealing) are not painted and have the general rusty old cock look. Excellent purchase!

    Jocelyn recently posted Thank you.

  210. fan-freaking-tastic! why don’t they sell those at my local discount stores? i’d buy all of them and hand them out as christmas presents! haha victor!

  211. OH MY WORD! I SO need that chicken! Thanks for the laugh. totally needed it.

  212. This is, quite possibly, the most hilarious story involving Victor yet. I am at work, and now everyone sitting around me wants to know what’s so funny that I am snorting and yelling “Chicken!”. So, congratulations – you now have like 15 new readers. You’re welcome.

  213. I can’t get past the fact that Beyonce is a cock. A rooster, not a chicken, right? She is also AWESOME! Beyonce, transgender 5 foot rooster/cock/chicken!!!!!

    jenB recently posted Love in the time of dial up.

  214. That is such a valid argument and you have a heart of gold for getting Victor the best Anniversary gift EVER! Who can say No to Beyonce?? :) And yes, he should be so glad Beyonce is not towels.

  215. Victor probably has a case of cock envy. Had you gotten a female instead of male, you wouldn’t be having this problem.

  216. Fucking HELL did I need that belly-laugh this morning! #thisiswhyiloveyou

    Chibi Jeebs recently posted On body acceptance.

  217. The caption on that photo really needs to say “knock knock, motherclucker” instead.

    Brilliant! I love Beyonce and look forward to Beyonce’s many adventures.

    melistress recently posted Dear Canada.

  218. 219
    KS_sunnyone

    You could position Beyonce outside your bathroom door and she could hold towels for you. Win-win.
    The caption “knock, knock motherfucker” made me snort!
    Victor is a very lucky guy. Either that or he is highly medicated.

  219. That is fucking AWESOME. I want one.

    yvonne@attracted to shiny things recently posted Lookitmeeee!!!! Im on BlogHercom!! And Some Google search terms.

  220. OMG.. I think I love you… and your huge chicken. lol

  221. 222
    agtmacgyver

    This is why you’re awesome. You do all the stuff I’m too chicken to do.

    Also, I’m confused by the sign behind you in the store that says, “Prices are 20% to 60% less everyday.” Why would I buy anything today if I know it’s going to be 20% to 60% less tomorrow? That’s terrible store management.

  222. Did someone already say how this is a classic example of life imitating art? Or art imitating art? Because this is just like Victor is Peter Griffin and that chicken is the Giant Chicken. And anyone who says “Family Guy” isn’t art can just fuck off.

    Handflapper recently posted Ladies and gentlemen- I present to you Michael Jackson’s successor- Hellbaby- the Princess of Pop.

  223. This is what marriage is all about.

    Alex@LateEnough recently posted 10 Things To Do With Your Kids This Summer And PROBABLY Not Get Arrested.

  224. I’m still laughing. Love that you put Beyonce outside of his window :)

  225. I really need to stop reading these at work! I’m so gonna get fired for laughing by myself and disturbing the others.

    Kimberly J recently posted Happy Fathers Day!.

  226. I died laughing when I read, “This chicken will cut you.” Bwahahahahaahah! You need a tin sign that reads the sentiment. I love it. I’m totally wanting one.

    Towels would have so cost you $50, so the money is a wash. Enjoy your cock!

  227. You fucking rule, there is nothing more that needs to be said!

    Eric recently posted Washington DC.

  228. DAMN! I need a Chicken like that! But can I steal the name O’Shannesy for my chicken? I totally have to go to Ross or those other discount places and find a chicken like this. My neighbors would HATE it and it would be awesome and win my neighborhood.

    Lesley recently posted Fairy Tales- The Geek In Me.

  229. Holy mother, this made my cry, it was that hysterical. I would have unoriginally named him Kellogg, but I’m glad you saw his booty shaking abilities. When he fell in the store you should have demanded a discount because he was dented. Just like the old ladies with cans who always get in line in front of me.

    Mrs. Mustache recently posted His Name is Sammy Sosa.

  230. omg I love it, I want a big giant metal chicken.

    Sharon recently posted Texas Bash- Dominos Pizza 30 Giftcard Giveaway 3 winners.

  231. Best fuckin’ post evah~Just forwarded it to my OWN husband….as a warning.

  232. My husband NEVER buys me thoughtful gifts like this.

    Betty Fokker recently posted Of facts and death threats.

  233. IT’S FULL OF WHIMSY.

    I don’t know why that made me giggle so, but it did.

    I imagine a giant metal chicken at your door is a small step down from a decapitated horse head in your bed. Happy Anniversary!

    Andie recently posted I just had the puberty talk and the sex talk at one time and now I need a drink- thanks.

  234. Mr. Snarky should consider himself lucky that I mostly shop online, for clothes and shoes. Until I order five-foot-tall stripper heels, this is win-win for him and he doesn’t even know it!

    P.S. That second pic is so full of win that I can’t STAND it. Honestly I think you should just keep it at the front door like that.

  235. There is nothing I don’t love about Home Goods, nothing. And nothing I don’t love about your stories. And I’m in the midst of a deep fucking depression and haven’t left the house in days, but I tried to sound borderline suicidal on the phone with my psychiatrist’s office so they are letting me come in before July 15, which is when he actually has an appointment open, and when I get to his office and peek around the corner to let him know I’m there: ” Knock-knock, motherfucker….”

    He has a good sense of humor.

    Thanks for a moment of cheer!

    kim recently posted And this is what depression looks like Read at your own risk.

  236. Awesome! It’s my 9th wedding anniversary tomorrow and I just bought him a bottle of vodka and made him a card photoshopping his face onto ‘Neo’ from the Matrix (long story… don’t ask). I hope he doesn’t see this post or he’ll want to know how come he didn’t get a 5ft metal chicken. If only it was solar powered and lit up after dark then that would be like the best present ever.
    Hugs
    DHW x

    TheDHW recently posted Summer Solstice Times 2011.

  237. This is quite possibly my favorite story ever.

    bschooled recently posted It’s times like these when I miss being a corporate drone.

  238. I am so excited to know that chickens are the 15th anniversary gift. And not some lame-ass towels. The chicken fund saving has begun – three full years until my own 5 foot Beyonce. Cluckin’ A!

    Becky recently posted Put This Bowling Party on Ice.

  239. i can totally identify with a guy named Beyonce – except the other way round. No, not a beyonce named Guy! You know what I mean.

    And when I start doing standup again (real soon so get your tickets now!), I’m going to do at least one “Knock, knock, motherfucker!” joke. I swear I am.

    Jami recently posted Sharing is caring.

  240. You know, I was thinking about the James Garfield postcard project to raise money to subsidize the cost of James Garfield and I think the Knock Knock Motherfucker picture would make for an excellent line of anniversary greeting cards.

    melistress recently posted Dear Canada.

  241. the picture of Beyonce at the front door is now my new wallpaper on my computer. awesome.

  242. Just think of all the things you can do to this chicken such as hang plastic neon eggs from it at Easter and wrap it in lights at Christmas.

    Marge recently posted Vintage 1970s Newspaper Pattern 9225 Dress Jacket sz40 B44 Uncut in FF.

  243. Awesome anniversary gift, Jenny! What a DEAL….. Sorry Victor doesn’t appreciate Beyonce. Give him time….

    Dana recently posted Fathers Day At The Ryanns.

  244. Chicken. You’re doing it right.

    Amy recently posted Im so strange even my bike needs a special pump.

  245. That thing is ricockulous.

    See what I did there?

    Yes.

    I am as clever as a 5-foot-tall chicken.

    Rebecca recently posted Bright Moments with Becca-.

  246. So I just spent two whole minutes trying to figure out where the bottom half of your body was in the pic of you hugging the giant cock, er, chicken. Because I need glasses, apparently. Or I’m not bright. Either one, really.

    Moral of the story: if I get fired for viewing inappropriate stuff on the internets at work, it’s totally Victor’s fault.

  247. HAHAHA.. Knock Knock, Mother Clucker!!

  248. This was beautiful. I have the checkmate I need to win all arguments with my husband now. Thank you. Perspective. I have it.

  249. I think Victor is becoming inured to your mania for all things whacky.

    Penbleth recently posted Longest day- minus 21 years.

  250. Why did the chicken cross the road?

    TO FIND ITS HOT PINK, MOTHER-FUCKING BEACH TOWELS.

    I think you should drape one of the towels around Beyonce. Then leave the she-cock in the bathroom when Victor is in the shower.

    Sarah recently posted Strange Days.

  251. EVERYTHING about this post is why I now have a wet spot on my office chair.

    Plus you owe me a pair of new jeans.

    But I would TOTALLY take Beyonce in trade.

  252. I, for one, would like some greeting cards with that giant metal chicken at the front door photo on them, and blank inside. Many sentiments can be expressed via that photo: You say I never come visit, but you should be careful what you wish for; Surprise! we’re having a baby (chicken)!; Remember that money you owe me? I’d like it back; Congratulations on your new pet – oh it’s not a chicken? how banal; Congratulations on the new baby – I’d heard the stork had been replaced but this outsourcing trend is out of control; etc.
    Victor, as usual, is possessed of an appalling lack of imagination, but then couples are supposed to be complementary, so maybe he just needs to appreciate how much money Beyonce will bring in. Please let me know when I can buy my greeting/note cards.

  253. I just laughed so hard I woke up my 3 week-old newborn and now she’s screaming bloody murder but you know what? WORTH IT.

    Freaking awesome.

  254. omg…omg…I can’t even…ohh lord…

    we just happen to need new towels. My husband disagrees. I wish I had your balls.

    Jennifer recently posted Cloth diapers do not make me a better person than you.

  255. I’ve been following you for a while now, and have never left a comment. I have tweeted at you, and you followed me back so I felt like a celebrity for a few minutes one night. BUT I have to say, this is one of my favorite posts EVER, if not THEEE TOP FAVORITE. I’m not sure yet. But I can’t think of another I’ve enjoyed so much. The only thing that would make it better is if I had been there in person. But that would have involved ALOT of stalking and hunting you down and what not, and I’m just too lazy for all that shit. So that’s why I felt compelled to comment. Keep up the good work, and Happy Anniversary!

  256. Oh, my god, Jenny… I apologize to Victor, but I can’t stop laughing. Now I want a 5-foot metal chicken, dammit! Xander could use a little surprise to come home to.

    Like, “Honey, you know how you always have a raging cock for me? …I feel bad that I never have one for you…Fixed!”

    Kella recently posted If I love you- I will shrink you into yarny miniatures of yourself….

  257. Oh my gosh. I love you so much. I can not stop laughing. You totally made my day. I want to be your neighbor, and your best friend – no both. Will you be my neighbor?

    XOXO,
    ld

    lifedramatic recently posted Cha Roo shared an Instagram photo with you.

  258. 259
    Adrienne Jones Myers

    This is friggin hilarious. Thank you for this. I want a Beyonce’ too!

  259. I don’t think I will take suggestions for an anniversary present from you, but I will say I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time!

    And now I want that chicken! They have them ALL over Texas (I so don’t get it) but that is the biggest one I have seen and I want it!

  260. I need one of these!! No, seriously.

    While it would completely annoy my husband I just think it would add so much to my back porch which is a bunch of gypsy cowgirl junk <3

    Kristi Stone recently posted Love to Dress Zulily.

  261. Oh… I forgot, where can I buy one!?!?!? I saw you are near Houston so DFW isn’t too far.

    (They have a 6 foot one at Home Goods in San Antonio ~ Jenny)

    Kristi Stone recently posted Love to Dress Zulily.

  262. This was the last post that I read last night. And the first post that I’m commenting on today. It is so memorable. I had to post it on all of my social networking sites, to share the love. Thank you Jenny for making a crappy week so much better. I wish I was in Texas to experience to the joy of shopping with you and Laura. Oh the fun we could have….

    Julie {Angry Julie Monday} recently posted Poolside at The Hyatt Regency Huntington Beach.

  263. I haven’t laughed this hard since you introduced us to James Garfield. I desperately need a giant rooster now…

  264. OK, let me get this straight.
    Victor wanted you wet and dirty (or at least not dried and clean) so you went off and bought a huge metal cock?
    AND it can sing! (Beyonce, duh)

    You never display Victor on the lawn, that’s why he’s mad, he feels rejected. But really he should be all “I’m such a man my wife had to get a 5′ one to make me feel small”.

  265. Um, I mean, has Victor READ your blog or even been paying attention the past fifteen years? “Don’t buy towels” is like a CHALLENGE to come home with something FAR MORE ridiculous to display your condescending amusement at his restrictions. BAM FIVE FOOT METAL CHICKEN, how do towels look NOW?!

  266. Holy crap, Jenny! I just googled “giant chicken” and found this: http://roadsidegeorgia.com/site/bigchicken.html – a 56 foot chicken. Victor should be happy you showed some restraint.

    Barbara recently posted Generic Pot.

  267. And now that the demand for 5 foot metal chickens is inevitably going to skyrocket due to this post, he is probably worth more than you paid for him. SO it was like an investment.

    ADDGirl recently posted Oven roasted veggies- recipe tuesday.

  268. I bought a giant chicken at Pecan Street last fall and had to walk back to our booth with it. I couldn’t see shit and walking slowly as to avoid a cocktastrophe. Still a drunk asshole slammed right into me and down I went onto 6th street with a giant chicken right on top of me. I bet it’s on YouTube somewhere.

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted If you really believe- then why is this so hard.

  269. This was awesome. And that’s on big f*cking chicken.

  270. Oh thank God for you.

    trinity67 recently posted bum.

  271. Oh geez. That was friggin hilarious. I love the chicken and I absolutely love that you’d be brave enough to drop that sucker off at someone’s house to cheer them up or show them things could be worse. Although that might be easier if it were not 5 feet and weighing in at, say, a decent amount of pounds? Love it.

    Andrea recently posted Island Girl Book Review &amp Giveaway!.

  272. And to think that I got rid of my big, metal chicken just before my 15th anniversary! Oh, that parting was NOT sweet sorrow :D

    Heather recently posted What a Difference a Year Makes - June edition.

  273. I fucking love Beyonce and I don’t live that far from you so there might be a Beyonce in my future. Because, hello? Clearance!

    Two weekends ago we were in Marble Falls and I found three giant metal chickens except they were MARIACHI chickens and they were $600. Walking away from them was one of the hardest moments of my life.

  274. Thank-you for a great laugh, and a lesson on the “Passive-Aggressive Argument” technique…

    I’m thinking Victor may have learned a lesson here?

  275. This post just made my day 1000 times better! Hilarious.

    The chicken is awesome.

    bevchen recently posted Here’s one I made earlier….

  276. 15 years is big metal chicken! this makes me want to watch super troopers and bow to your brilliance. This might be my favorite bloggess story ever.

  277. Quite possibly the funniest thing I’ve read this month!!! :)

  278. Made my day!

  279. Your metal chicken is bigger than my metal chicken, dad gum it!

    Cindy recently posted Happy Fathers Day.

  280. What a great way to make some extra scratch (pun intended). You can post flyers advertising a private in house Beyonce concert and sell tickets. Download songs sung by chickens (they exist) and when people get there you can play the chicken music. I would totally go!

  281. Victor is surprisingly hard to rattle because he has a wildebeest head on his wall and some other weird animals and his father-in-law is a taxidermist. Just sayin’

    Windsor Grace recently posted Fall Preview I know- it’s only June- but I’m trying to think ahead.

  282. Wow, is this what rich folks do with there time? YIKE!!!

  283. Yeah, you BOUGHT a giant metal chicken, but whose badass idea was it to MAKE the giant metal chicken(s)?

    (Spoiler: Not mine. But someone out there is pretty badass.)

  284. This is the kind of behavior that tells me you have a failing marriage or at least are headed for one. If your husband was being unreasonable, then you communicate and let it go, putting the ball in his court. You should have given him time to think about it, even if that meant a few weeks of going without your towels. Instead, you went behind his back, commiserated with another friend about him (a betrayal of trust in the marriage) and wasted money anyway on something that, while harmless in and of itself, amounted to a “fuck you” to your husband. If I were you, I would consider some marriage counseling, focusing on healthy communication and problem resolution and compromise.

  285. Victor, you know you’re not allowed to comment on my blog.

  286. And this is why dumb white bitches need to be sterilized.

  287. Has no one else wondered how one gets a 5 foot chicken home to begin with?

    I feel like at some point your response to Victor should have been: “Well, CLUCK YOU, Motherclucker!”

  288. My sister sent this to me knowing full well my 9th anniversary is tomorrow. I would love nothing more than to give that to my husband!

    Wonderful!

  289. I forgot to tell you, my ad money this month was officially for giant metal chickens.

  290. I can’t even stop laughing long enough here to leave a decent comment.

    I want that picture for a poster in my kitchen.

    How do I do that???

    Alexandra recently posted Things Dont Happen By Magic.

  291. I think that was easily the best blog post evah!

  292. I very rarely crack up by myself in front of my computer… But this did it. Totally. HI-larious! I’ve shared with my husband and told him to watch his battle-pickin’ or we’ll end up with a giant chicken, too. :P

  293. BEST BLOG EVER!!

  294. Your actions were childish, cowardly and wasteful. All you husband wanted was for you to do what he told you, how fucking hard is it for women to honor their men anymore? Oh yeh, go buy a damn chicken made of scrap metal and put it in his face to purposely piss him off. What the fuck? I really wonder how you’d react if he treated you in the same manner, but hey at least he’s a big fucking joke to you.

    PS – I see you only approve positive comments supporting your website and actions because I’d be a bit damn surprised if you actually allowed what i have to say to you on this.

  295. 297
    Micaela Morris

    Fantastically funny story! I, too, want a big metal rooster…..and I think I found where to get one! Try this site: http://www.piperchase.com/categories/Rustic-Metal-Animals/Metal-Roosters/
    Gonna read your blog now….best out there!

  296. This has inspired me to name the next chicken we add to our flock “Beyonce.”.
    I am dying with laughter now. I read this to my coworker, and she’s all “that is SO Jenesque!” which is how she describes anything that sounds like me. I laughed when I saw your name was Jen too, because hey, it’s now doubly Jenesque!

  297. I’m pretty sure that someone, somewhere would be willing to sponsor Beyonce for a trip to BlogHer. Just sayin’

  298. omg i’m crying reading this. it sounds just like life at my house – just with a 5′ tall teddy bear instead of a metal chicken. thanks for the giggles!

  299. I laughed so hard. This was hilarious and victor should be happy. It wasn’t towels.

    Mandie recently posted 1 Mandie.

  300. This is HILARIOUS. I was having a bad day and then I came across this post and my day suddenly got so much better. I needed this laughter and whimsy.

    Dori recently posted Focus On- Core Fusion at The Fitnessista.

  301. I…there…there are so many puns. SO MANY PUNS.
    Tears, down my face. Where have you been all my life, anyway?

  302. All the single ladies (All the single ladies)
    All the single ladies (All the single ladies)
    All the single ladies (All the single ladies)
    All the single ladies
    Now put your hands up

    Up in the club, we just broke up
    I’m doing my own little thing
    You decided to dip but now you wanna trip
    Cause another brother noticed me
    I’m up on him, he up on me
    don’t pay him any attention
    Cause I cried my tears, for three good years
    Ya can’t be mad at me

    Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
    If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it
    Don’t be mad once you see that he want it
    If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it

    Bok Bok Bok Bok Bok Bok
    Bok Bok Bok Bok Bok Bok

  303. I hope I have a Victor someday.

    sigh.

  304. This was SO funny! I just came across your blog and I am laughing so hard at this post. I’m at work right now and a cleaner is in my classroom and I must look like an idiot because I’m shaking from trying not to laugh out loud while she’s in here! I need a giant chicken on-hand just so I can pull it out when necessary!

  305. I just texted my honey “Knock Knock Motherfucker!” .. he responded with “are you high?” .. little does he know I’m just warning him! I need a giant cock in my life. (And yes, you can read an insult into that.)

    Evin Cooper recently posted Guest Post and Giveaway!.

  306. You need to move him into the bedroom so that victor wakes up to the giant chicken staring him in the eyes. Awesome.

  307. P.S. If you’re anywhere near Austin, can we be friends??

    Evin Cooper recently posted Guest Post and Giveaway!.

  308. Wow. Just. Wow. It makes my chicken with the reflector in its stomach that I got in New Mexico at an awesome truck stop look downright…PUNY. Plus Beyonce has a pink neck. I’m not gonna show this post to my chicken with the reflector in its stomach. It’ll give him a complex. He doesn’t have a pink neck.

  309. Wow, Victor…way to be Captain Funsucker. And, to Charlie Red…..Dude…seriously??!!

  310. Effing hilarious. Best post I’ve read all day.

  311. BAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    Thanks :)

  312. I’m trying to imagine what my ex would have thought if I’d brought that much cock home. Sort of makes me wanna get married again! Also, from now on maybe Victor should only be allowed to use the hot pick beach towels? :D Nice work!

  313. Haaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! I’m laughing SO HARD I’m crying!! Marriages need more humor like yours!! Hope your hubby can see the joke soon!!

  314. Wow what the hell is wrong with Charlie Red? I never understand the impulse to work up the vitrol to attach a blogger about a persona story. If you don’t like the story- go the faulk away. No one here wants to ready your comment- assmunch.

  315. Seriously, if you ever want to get rid of Beyonce, I will gladly take her. I collect them and the largest one I have is a 3 1/2 foot wooden cock I got on the beaches of Jamaica. I named him Shakespeare. In my house, only the really big ones get names.

  316. You know what I just as much as your posts? Your commenters. Except the Debbie(Nathan)Downers which thankfully are few.

    Scottsdale Girl recently posted Please register to view this blog….

  317. I just laughed so hard I cried. I saw Dori’s retweet of your post and came to look because I am also having a bad day. That really did help. I love Beyonce.

    Carly D. @ CarlyBananas recently posted Change of Plans- A Day to Run Commute.

  318. ^what I LOVE* sorry

  319. Dying over here I am laughing so hard. I just celebrated my sweet 16 with mr. k. I get it. There is a lot to it.
    I need that chicken. Or to have you for a neighbor so I can pay it some visits now and then.
    *** (200 dollars worth of free chicken?? cracking up!) ****

  320. 322
    Richard J. Patituccio

    Well the question to ask yourself now is do you want to spend your future with your chicken or your husband. Because every day he looks at it, it will fester into something that some day nobody will be able to laugh off.

    Where do you plan to go from here?

  321. That’s true, because my first marriage ended by “festering chicken”.

    Where do I plan to go from here? Honestly? I’m kind of hoping that Charlie Red from comment 296 is single. Because that man sounds like a joy to be with, and it’s pretty obvious that he’s totally into me.

  322. DUDE. I was nursing Violet while I read this and I think *she* snorted milk out her nose. You are awesome.

    Boston Mamas recently posted Great American Backyard Campout.

  323. I think Charlie Red is also jealous of the 5′ cock, though I am hoping that Jenny is coming up with a funny comment to put below his because come on, Nathan/Victor and Blank/Mom were almost as funny as “Knock-knock, Motherfucker.”

    GO JENNY! SUCK IT, HATERS!

  324. I love your story and the way you tell it!
    Thanks for the laugh today!

  325. 327
    SharonCville

    Total Win. I do feel for Victor, but after 15 years he really ought to know what this ride is all about. Just absolutely love this!

  326. 328
    Anonymous

    Bravo!!!

  327. that is flippin’ hilarious. i looooooove the chicken, but i have to say i feel a little sorry for poor victor. however… i’m all about gettin’ $200 of chicken for FREEEEEEEEEEEEE… keep it, honey. ;o)

  328. Thank you so much for the laugh!!! Love it!!! I need a five foot tall metal chicken!

    Sue/RFamHere recently posted Just sayin!.

  329. Hey everyone Charlie Red’s name is linked to his site. You can’t comment on his posts (of course not) BUT…we can email him!

    You’ve got mail, mother fucker. BOO-YAH!!

  330. Crap, my tenth anniversary is coming up in August. What the hell do I do now? A three foot papier mache pig? Bloggess, you make the anniversary gift giving standards wayyyyyy to high.

    Frumptastic recently posted The Suitable Alternative to a Suit.

  331. Oh hell. I just snorted when I read the caption underneath the picture of the chicken at the front door.

    Wendy recently posted Mexico City Style Tacos.

  332. 334
    Kathy Trosclair

    Ok! Love the story! I want a chicken like that! Where did you get it?

  333. this was friggin hilarious!!!!! I love how your mind works!!! lol……….

  334. “All you husband wanted was for you to do what he told you.” Now *that* cracked me up, Charlie.

    Wendy recently posted Mexico City Style Tacos.

  335. This MADE MY DAY.
    Thanks Beyonce.

  336. This sounds like conversations I’ve had with friends while shopping, usually involving platform heels and feather boas. The chicken is by far more awesome.

    Wendy T. recently posted Last weekend’s nerdtastic adventures.

  337. If Victor doesn’t come around I think you should put the chicken in your bed – Godfather style (only don’t really kill the chicken, this is just for pretend).

  338. I’ll buy that Chicken!

  339. That is one big motherclucker.

  340. That is absolutely hysterical!!!
    You’re my insane kind of people!!

  341. That chicken has Homegoods purchase written all over it. I have a paper mache giraffe that would go perfectly with it.

  342. This is awesome. Last Sunday, I went to the farmer’s market and forgot that my guy told me not to buy any more tomato plants and I bought a dozen tomato plants. I still have them in my car. Now, I can show him this post and then bring in the tomato plants and tell him “at least it’s not a five-foot-tall metal chicken.” Laura was right. Perspective is everything.

  343. This is absolutely hilarious!! How did I not know about your blog before this day…I cannot tell you the last time I laughed this hard and boy did I really need that today

  344. My neighbor and I love these sorts of adventures. We would like to know you and Laura and buy you both a drink! And the chicken is AWESOME!

  345. Ha. Maybe you will get some towels for your birthday?;) If not, I vote for Beyonce find a friend around Christmas time to sit out there in the yard with him! ;)

    Beth recently posted Mamavation Monday- Walk Run Week 2.

  346. OMG! This is the best blog post I have ever ever read in my life!!! #1 – I wish Beyonce was on my doorstep…. #2 You made my day!

  347. I would go shopping for towels with you any day.

    Tom recently posted Valparaíso and So Forth.

  348. Hilarious : )

  349. 351
    Kittenears

    Oh my goodness I just laughed so hard I cried. Clearly you are full of win!

  350. Who posted this link to the “Angry Men With Disobedient Wife Issues” yahoo group, anyway?

    Suebob recently posted 50 for 50 Day 35- Seed Savers Exchange.

  351. I laughed so hard, I was in tears! Then I forwarded to my husband…

  352. And besides? Now the chicken is an officially tax-deductible chicken. I can’t wait to see that line on your tax return. Beyoncé – Metal Chicken – $100.

    Suebob recently posted 50 for 50 Day 35- Seed Savers Exchange.

  353. AHAHAHA THIS IS SO FUNNY! My husband and I are cracking up! I love love your blog!

  354. I kinda want to take Beyonce to Charlie Red’s house. Knock knock Motherfucker indeed.

    Andie recently posted I just had the puberty talk and the sex talk at one time and now I need a drink- thanks.

  355. Is Charlie Red being ironic? He must be. Hipsters only live their lives ironically.

    This post is now 100 % more awesome thanks to that dude.

  356. 358
    Jennifer Shearin

    I have been giggling for ten solid minutes. This is awesome! Knock-knock, motherfucker.
    This cock has so many hilarious possibilities!

  357. This is easily the hardest I’ve ever laughed at a blog post. And just as I was lamenting having to laugh by myself, my friend came online and was all, “OMG HAVE YOU SEEN BEYONCE? THE CHICKEN BEYONCE?” It was awesome.

    Also awesome–how many people think this chicken is going to end your marriage. I’ve noticed that everyone who thinks this also seems to be sexist. Who would have thought “offended by giant chickens” and “sexist” went hand in hand.

  358. Beyonce would make such a great playground toy. Except for the sharp edges.
    Slight correction: Beyonce would make such a great playground toy for obnoxious children.

    Also, I sincerely hope you have plans to leave Beyonce right next to Victor while he’s sleeping, then play a crowing rooster track at high volume to wake him up. Who wouldn’t want to wake up next to a mildly creepy 5 foot tall possibly psychopathic chicken?

    Molly recently posted Non-Passive Passive Aggression.

  359. Oh MY GOD!!! This is the best story EVER. You are amazing. Thank you so much for buying the chicken. I haven’t laughed so hard in ages. Thank you and thank you!

    me recently posted Writing and writing….

  360. Suebob (#351) for comment of the day!

  361. Thank you for this.

    We’ve got an anniversary coming up and I’m tired of buying him wallets.

  362. This post just keeps on giving. Thanks to you, Jenny, I now have a proper response to people who want to know why I divorced my ex-husband. Festering chicken.

    And I also think you have a real chance with Charlie Red. *fingers crossed!!!*

    Andrea recently posted Finding My Voice.

  363. 366
    Mrs. Counts

    This is too epic for words. I catch so much shit because I came to my present marriage with a serious collection of VERY NICE chickens that decorate my kitchen, AND WAITED FOR 10 YEARS to be unboxed in a kitchen bigger than a cabin cruiser galley. Well played. I could only hope to get such an epic opportunity for revenge.

  364. 367
    Bobbie Jo

    OMG that is the funniest thing ever!!! LOVE IT!!!!!!

  365. This story had me crying over my computer! I loved every minute of it! @Queenofspain on twitter was talking about it with her hubby @aaronvest (I can only imagine how that conversation was going)

    This was hilarious and I swear I would keep that 5 foot chicken and I would move it around every week!

    Yes Sister, pick your battles…but this wasn’t a fight, this was making an extreme point. Sometimes that’s just how you gotta roll.

  366. Wait? Won’t James Garfield be jealous?

  367. Man, I totally want to start a band and name it FESTERING CHICKEN in honor of comment #322.

    Anne recently posted Ready Or Not.

  368. Jesus. Christ. A Chicken.
    It will be hard to top that next anniversary.

  369. Like he didn’t know you’d come home with a giant chicken (which I totally covet btw)

    Neeroc recently posted How much change is too much.

  370. I think this should start a new trend in chicken jokes.

    Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
    A: To fester into something that some day nobody will be able to laugh off.

    Steam Me Up, Kid recently posted In which I dabble in cyberterrorism.

  371. Great cautionary tale. Sent it to my husband.

    Cory recently posted Aloe Shampoo Bar with Rosemary- Lavender and Spearmint essential oils.

  372. Fucking fabulous. And now you have a new fan. Simply because, after seeing the chicken at the door, I almost peed just a little.

    Andrea recently posted Facebook is in Cahoots with Those Gym People.

  373. I think your blog went offline for a while because I sent the link to thousands of people who really, really need a laugh. Sorry about that. Not really.

  374. 377
    Sir 2 good 4U

    wow…that there was about 10 minutes waste of Time I shall never see again, I know the ONLY relief I got out of it was this little bit of whimsy words I just had to share…tsk-tsk…some people just really should NEVER live above their means…seriously?!? some of that “wasted” $$$ really could’ve gone to better use to any of our local charities, really…

  375. I’ve been married for 19 years this year, and I never know what to get him. THIS WOULD BE THE BEST GIFT EVER.

    briya recently posted No- reallytake that off.

  376. I now have chicken-envy.

  377. 380
    TheNextMartha

    Dammit. Now the 3 ft. pig on my doorstep seems puny. Thanks.

  378. My husband is in love with you now. He and I both want a giant chicken in our yard because of you. You are awesome. And tell victor that towels require constant washing and drying, giant chicken does not. And the chicken can cut strangers. That baby is totally paying for itself.

  379. Ok…. So after reading this, I honestly think the chicken paid for itself and then some just by the reaction and what happened in the store… I laughed and laughed and am still laughing by it all. I needed that greatly so thank you for sharing… I love it…

  380. Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    Howie.
    Howie who?
    Howie fucking hard is it for women to honor their men anymore?

    Steam Me Up, Kid recently posted In which I dabble in cyberterrorism.

  381. You are killing me with the awesome. I die.

    anne nahm recently posted Forget it- Marge It’s Summertown.

  382. You, my dear, are brilliantly funny. I’ve just discovered you!

  383. O.M.G….I am in TEARS laughing so hard over this post….holy crap! Thanks for the good laugh…..

  384. I needed this laugh today. Thank you. :)

  385. You totally made my day! Oh thank you, mwah mwah mwah.

    Holly recently posted Week by numbers- First week of summer.

  386. So funny I’m crying!

  387. I, officially, can no longer read your blog at work.

    This is a serious place, and to my surprise, they find my cubicle giggles and attempts to conceal my mirth a bit distracting.

    This reminds me of that old parable, a cock at the door is better than one in the bushes. I might have that wrong.

  388. You sound like how my sister and I act in a store with a giant chicken. We did something similar but with a giant can of sausage gravy from the dollar store. My parents were not thrilled with the 5 year joke of giving each other the can as a present for holidays. Well I think my mom saw the humor.

    Nikki recently posted My new fav book on running Lots of good info!.

  389. I can’t stop laughing. Beyonce is a great looking chicken. Hehehehehe.

  390. Nathan, (285), Blank (287) and Charlie Red are bitter, bitter asshats.
    I personally think they have a case of chicken envy.
    They wish their “cocks” were as big…..

    hee, hee.

    SarcasminAction recently posted Blogger Face off Round 7.

  391. This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. Perhaps EVER. Man, I wish I was this cool.

    Always Winning the Booby Prize recently posted Sometimes it pays to be a good friend- other times they just throw anal sex in your face.

  392. Oh it hurts!!!! ROFL….

    @PamelaMKramer - A Renaissance Woman recently posted Mamavation Monday - How Many Miles Are You Covering.

  393. Tears streaming down my face. This post is a work of comic genius. Thank you.

  394. This is why divorces happen. This isn’t funny at all! Its hundred of dollars wasted because she couldn’t control her spending. Our economy is in the dumps because of people like her. Next time do something positive with all this money you’re freely wasting like donate to a charity, horrible person.

  395. I don’t know about you, but I added a HomeGoods shopping clause to my wedding vows. I AM obeying my husband by purchasing two red rollerskate statues – both left feet.

    This clause also permits me to not leave Target without spending less than $300.

  396. I have not laughed this hard in so long.

    Blair@HeirtoBlair recently posted Do you live this close to the beach No Then you’re probably jealous.

  397. This is the best thing I’ve read all week! Towels aren’t half as good; they can’t cut you like a 5′ chicken can! :)

  398. I just did a chiLcken spit-take. Not a cock one. That would be dirty.
    Beyonce is beautimous.

    ~looking wistfully out my office window, for a chiLcken

    Sidney recently posted BlogShorts - Day 20.

  399. 402
    Sharon Arsenaut

    Iit appears that #285… aka…some little Mr. Cranky Troll woke up on the wrong side of the marriage bed this morning!

  400. This is actually the greatest thing I’ve read in over a week. I’m just sayin’.

    SillyJaime recently posted Zombies &amp Toys features Pseudooctopus!.

  401. You named a chicken Beyonce? That is truly great. I will tell you that the only thing better than buying a giant thing you can’t really carry is buying a giant thing that your boyfriend/husband/whatever doesn’t really want and then ends up carrying for you all the way back to your cruise ship where it takes up half of your tiny cabin for a week. Not that that happened to me or anything… (And now that giant Mexican planter is filled with weeds.)

    Florida Keys Girl recently posted Swankey Palooza.

  402. I LOL’ed myself sick.

    Best blog post I’ve read in a long time.

  403. Did anyone else think of Boondock Saints 2? “Ding dong, motherfuckers, DING DONG!”

    Dangerboy recently posted Surviving the Life.

  404. oh, honey, you make me cry in ways I totally enjoy.

    Nenette recently posted Coconut Natural Deodorant.

  405. OMG. I’m still laughing with tears running down my face. My husband loathes my visits to Home Goods . . . . but now I’m just saying at least I didn’t bring home a giant chicken.

    Jennifer Taggart recently posted Cleaning the Garbage Disposal – Vinegar Ice Cubes.

  406. You have me in tears over here, the kids are asking questions….they’re too young to subject to Beyonce and all her glory. You frockin’ rock!

  407. You. Are. My. Hero.

  408. Okay I know I’ve already commented on this post but reading the Nathan/Blank etc comments made me laugh alone. Reading your responses to them pretty much made me fall in love with you. You are simply the most awesome person in the world.

    If you’re free I have a few haters I would LOVE for you to batter with your humour words. Let me know.

    Lisa recently posted A weekend of chilling with the future bosses- part deux.

  409. oh my goodness. I could NOT stop laughing. Thank you for brightening my day :)

  410. 413
    SouthernSheri

    Wow, some posters are so serious. They must be in need of a big cock named Beyonce.

  411. Freaking AMAZING.
    This could be an Aesop’s Fable. But, you know, way better.

    Wifey recently posted Fruity Blondes.

  412. 415
    Sorry So Wordy

    I’m sorry, but I actually agree with what a few detractors have said, just not to the degree of misogyny they have taken it into. Victor was probably wrong with the tone he set when you left, but your reaction was also pretty juvenile. I doubt you would even contest that statement.

    I actually think the chicken is pretty hilarious looking. His reaction to seeing the big dumb thing on the doorstep would probably have been great.

    But I think you have to get rid of the chicken. You and Laura had a great laugh, but I think you ought to return/resell the thing. Someone above implied that it will just serve as a reminder of negative feelings every time Victor looks at it. I don’t claim to know how either of you actually feel, but I get the impression that he doesn’t see the humor in a big, sharp, rusty chicken.

    And, in the end, you both should get to the root problem. Either, Victor didn’t like your choice of towels and is excluded from the decision (however small) or he felt that buying more would be a waste of money. If the former, it’s as simple as letting him make a couple small decisions (or even set a couple parameters, like a preference on dark blues and greens vs. hot pink). If it’s the latter, dumping $100 on a rust bucket chicken, however hilarious, is really going to be a big problem for him.

    If you have that much money to throw away on a goof and an amusing blog post, then I’d hope you would make a matching contribution to a charity of your choice, perhaps http://www.stjude.org/ (St. Jude Children’s Hospital) or http://ww5.komen.org/ (Susan G. Komen, Breast Cancer research).

    Anyway, good luck on handling the fallout with Victor, figuring out what the @#$% to do with Beyonce, and the blog.

    From Jenny: You were actually very polite in your critique so I’ll give you an actual answer. Victor enjoys my sense of humor even when he wants to strangle me, and vice-versa. We have very similar personalities so that means I don’t actually call the police when he threatens to stab me for buying towels, or when he tries to convince me that I’m going to be attacked by night squirrels, or when he rigs all the faucets to spray directly at me. He actually thought this post was funny and spent most of the day on the phone with my host company trying to get it back online when the server went down. He did, however, mention that he really doesn’t like Beyonce in front of his window so we agreed to move it to my window together. The chicken was $99 and it’s awesome and makes great yard art and was a small price to pay for making so many people laugh. This is actually my job, so technically Beyonce is probably tax deductable and counts as work supplies. Regarding charity work, I’m not sure why every silly expenditure has to be linked with a justification of charity. When a normal person tells her coworkers that she decided to take her family on vacation she doesn’t usually get hit with a “Well, I hope you spend an equal amount on charity”. But, as you are probably new here I will share that I actually do a great deal of charity work here on this blog, and on a twitter account dedicated solely to helping others (@thegoodbloggess). My last silly expenditure (which Victor also was initially not pleased with) was a giant boar head. It too was almost $100, but that same boar head eventually inspired a charity drive 6 months ago (organized right here by my amazing readers) which lead to over $42k in gift cards being raised to help parents who were unable to buy Christmas presents for their children during the recession. You can read about it on the Washington Post. Or on The Huffington Post, where I was awarded “The Greatest Person of The Day” award. (It was a slow week, obviously.) I’m not saying all of this to defend myself, because almost everyone here already knows all of this. I’m just pointing it out to anyone new here. Ridiculous chickens and silly laughter are worthwhile and are nothing I would ever apologize for. My goal in life is to make people laugh. It’s my job and it’s how I support my family. In turn, they support what I write and if they have a problem with something, I don’t post it. I could have added all this to the post but I didn’t. Because this stuff isn’t funny. It’s just life. Which is not usually funny. Unless it includes giant metal chickens. Now, back to random silliness…)

  413. This is my favorite post ever. Way to be!

    Katherina @ Zephyr Runs recently posted Love for the Diva.

  414. sure it was immature. sure it was crap communication. but that doesn’t mean it was wrong. and hell, it was funny as FUCK and i say any husband who can’t learn to laugh at that doesn’t deserve a wife. all you men scolding jenny for this can go fuck each other. like a train, one ass fucking another ass fucking another ass fucking another. one long, ass-fuckin’ train of sexist chicken-haters.

  415. oh my God, thank you. I am crying at my desk with laughter. “knock, knock motherfucker” had me burst out while coworkers look suspiciously over at me.

  416. My cheeks hurt from laughing.

  417. OMG. We seriously could b best friends!! I love it!!

  418. Comments 285-288 are pure perfection. On your part Jenny!

    And #296 Too hot for words. Oh wait, I’m not actually supposed to be able to see your comment.

    And who knew giant metal chickens were so controversial. It’s probably because the chicken is transgendered or festering or something.

    A Vapid Blonde recently posted Hurry Up Shut The Door Behind You Put On This Cloak Of Ultimate Protection Alternate Title- I May Have Lost My Marbles A-Fucking-Gain.

  419. Huh, so that’s what year 15 anniversary gift is. A giant cock.

  420. I don’t mean to be a stickler for anatomical correctness, but right there you have a giant rooster, cockerel or indeed, cock.

    It seems even more appropriate.

  421. Holy shit you are freaking hilarious. Be my friend, please.
    http://lauragoesirish.blogspot.com

    Laura recently posted Amsterdamned.

  422. 425
    Not Evelyn

    Actually, my neighbor has two enormous plastic chicken heads in his yard ! I think they are over 5 feet tall, too! Not sure why they are there or where they came from (a restaurant? a holiday parade float?) but they have been there for months! And we are not in Texas!

  423. LOVE THIS!!! :)
    LilFamilyBlog.com

  424. I was laughing to myself in my car thinking about the picture of the giant rooster at the door and it’s caption. “Knock-knock, motherfucker!”

    Carla (@chickmae) recently posted Sooke baby!.

  425. This so beats my sitting in silence fuming at Ty when he asked me why I was throwing attitude to look at him, petulantly, and say, “Don’t talk to me like I’m a child.” Next time I’m going to purchase something that gets my point across in a more succinct way. Like a Giant Chicken. I aspire to be as awesomely able to communicate as you my dear interweb friend.

  426. This marriage will last forever. (I’m a writer, so I know.)

    Shelley recently posted Welcome.

  427. 431
    Anonymous

    You need hardcore therapy

  428. I think i love you..

  429. I want to be you when I grow up.

    Rachel recently posted Who wants to drive a Dodge Lady-parts truck.

  430. I considered not commenting, because I would just be reiterating just how friggin hilarious this was. I literally guffawed! Perhaps now Victor will think twice about fighting with you about something so benign as bath towels!

    Cheryl recently posted Dandelion.

  431. I think of these kinds of things often, and then chicken out. You make my dreams come true in this regard. It is every bit as fantastic as I imagine. maybe next time I’ll follow through, because ha ha ha ha ha ha!

    Way to go, Jenny!

    Therese recently posted Sunday Picture.

  432. I laughed so hard I scared all 3 of my cats!

  433. 437
    Ann Riordan

    OMG – that was the funniest thing I have read in a loooong time! Thanks for making my day!

  434. Can’t. Stop. Laughing. The tears…they burn… *giggle*
    I feel for Victor, poor sap. I wouldn’t be able to keep it up like you did. I am full of admiration of you. He is sooo doomed. Hopefully he comes around so he can appreciate your twistedness again.

    If Nathan, Blank, and Charlie weren’t being ironic (as the only even remotely non-I LOVE YOU comments it makes me wonder) then I sad about the lives they live. Imagine thinking that women should obey what men tell them to do. LOL. That is a path paved with 5′ metal chickens.

    I would love to see the world through your eyes. Just thinking “knock knock motherfucker” sends me into giggles again. Thank you!

  435. I’ve never read your blog before and totally stumbled on it from someones facebook post. I NEVER, EVER laugh out loud while in a room by myself. I can tell you, it’s not a good time to start that practice while you’re at work…with an office full of people. And when the owner came in and I was laughing so hard tears were streaming down my face….probably saying “knock-knock motherfucker” when she asked me what the hell was wrong with me could have gone in a bad direction. Thankfully, she read your blog post too and laughed with me. Thank you so much for helping me laugh out loud and indirectly managing to keep me employed. :)

  436. 440
    Stephanie McGregor

    I wish you were my WIFE and not in a lesbian way, unless you insisted, I FREAKING LOVE YOU and wish I had that 5 foot CHICKEN!

  437. This should go in a blog on how to ruin a marriage….

  438. I love it!
    My mother always told me to pick my battles, but she was never very specific as to how to go about them, this is a perfect example. :) I will never look at towels, or roosters, the same again.

    Dawn Marie recently posted Teaser Tuesdays - Eat Pray Love.

  439. 443
    SunDriedrainbow

    To commentor #414 and Jenny:

    This is the best example of Internet debate I have ever seen. Thank you both for taking a moment to put aside whatever knee jerk reaction you may have had and actually communicate what you think in a way that is not hateful, and for actually listening to what others say. I have been in some online communities made up of people who claim they are “social justice defenders” or “defenders of the marginalized” who treat everyone who disagrees with them as STUPID and EVIL and I hate it.

    You are why I keep coming back to the Internet. Thanks.

  440. 444
    Miss Jenny J.

    I can’t decide if 414 is joking or being serious…either way, bravo Wordy! That was bloody hilarious!

    Miss Jenny J. recently posted and then someone made a zombie musical and it was really cheesy- but also awesome.

  441. Seriously, the most awesome thing EVER! You need to start a service where you charge people to put the giant, metal cock on their door step to surprise their housemates.

    Katie recently posted Working Out Again.

  442. I may or may not have rescued a 4 foot tall black jaguar hand-painted piggy bank from the garbage room in my apartment building a few years ago. I also may or may not have placed it in the living room I shared with my often cranky roomate. Long story short, she hated Carlos (and I’m pretty sure I saw him shooting her a dirty look more than once), and he often sat on the chair next to me at the dining room table, I dressed him up for birthday parties, and he made the trip home for Christmas and I insisted he have the front seat and I took the back.

    It never got old. And then one day she had company over and I relented and let her move him to the porch in the middle of a windstorm.

    RIP, Carlos.

  443. You had me at “This chicken has a shiv.” Say hello to your newest stalker.

    :)

  444. This post is fantastic! My husband laughed so hard at it that he startled our cat. Although if my tiny yard ends up with a giant, metal, chicken, it will be because of you.

    Though I pity anybody who thinks a giant metal chicken could cause a divorce. The strongest marrages I’ve seen always have a good bit of play and a sense of humor on both sides. So by that rule, your marrage may last forever.

  445. You are officially metal chicken awesome and if Victor doesn’t love you anymore, I do.

  446. 450
    magdalena

    God, I love you. My grandma just passed away this weekend and i really needed the laugh!!

    Ps: That chicken is FUCKING AWSOME!!! I wish i had a chicken that was taller than me.

    pps: everybody could use a 5 ft cock once in a while.

  447. 451
    Stephanie McGregor

    Sorry So Wordy = shouldn’t she be in a 3rd world country where she has no access to internet or clean water for that matter, helping someone herself instead of trying to read a hilarious blog! I am always curious when people make suggestions with MY money especially when they don’t do the research to find out where I already donate! I want send her a Bible, John 8:7 But when they continued asking him, he looked up and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him throw the first stone at her.” Also a 12 foot COCK, chicken whatever . . . just had to be said!

  448. “Ridiculous Chicken” shall be my stripper name for the day. Of course, I will add an extra “L” and donate my twenties to charity.

    Sidney recently posted BlogShorts - Day 20.

  449. Haha! I just read it again, and guffawed again! It’s the line about a really drunk lady being the only person who bought one. Haha, it takes me back to a time my sister and I would shop at our favorite pottery place. They’re no longer in business, but damn we found some great and weird stuff there (stuff only drunk ladies would buy!)

    I’m definitely subscribing to your blog!

    Cheryl recently posted Dandelion.

  450. Irony between your title and clueless reactions = priceless.

    Sidney recently posted BlogShorts - Day 20.

  451. I guarantee you will be divorced within 5 years.

    Neither of you gives two shits about the other.

    A sense of humor is wonderful. Using it as a tool to mock your partner? Well, it might be funny, but it sure don’t make a healthy marriage.

  452. Jenny, I’ve got to wonder if Red/ Blank/Crazies coming out of the woodwork all have the same IP address. Or if they are targeted spam to “Keep down the bitches. They be gettin uppity ideas” The comments are remarkably similar!

    Mrs. Mustache recently posted His Name is Sammy Sosa.

  453. 457
    Entertained

    I tried to write Charlie Red a love letter on his blog, but he’s turned the comments on his blog off…which is funny cause he’s accused you of filtering yours… silly Charlie!

  454. OMG. Woman, I love you! You an the commenters have me in stitches!

    It was also wonderful to read your response to the polite detractor (#414). I’m glad to know Victor has a sense of humor like yours. I may have asked this before, but does Victor have a single brother? One who likes crazy blonds?

    I wish I lived nearby so you could cheer me up by leaving a giant metal cock* on my doorstep. (does not necessarily have to look like a chicken)

    Kernut the Blond recently posted My Brain Thinks Money Is A Drug and My New Boyfriend.

  455. Victor needs to relax. LOL Way too funny.

    Doreen recently posted Happy Fathers Day.

  456. What’s baffling to me is that I linked to this post on my fb and some of the most conservative (and closed minded) people I know read it and found it HILARIOUS. So who does that leave to post hateful comments? The open minded love it, the closed minded love it. Wait, the no-minded? Is that who is being so hateful?

  457. Oh, and after 15 years… with all the antics you’ve pulled, if Victor were going to leave you, it would have happened long ago.

  458. My wife came back from a trip with a 750 pound concrete life-size deer that took 6 men and a hernia to move to our back yard. Every once in a while one of the dogs notices it nestled amongst the yews and growls at it. I would have loved the metal chicken, especially after he rang the doorbell. But this never would have happened in our house – I’m the one always being told “don’t buy any more towels.” Seriously, help me out here – some of them are threadbare, holey and shredding because they were wedding gifts from 32 years ago. We NEED new towels! Even hot pink ones.

  459. This is the first time I have read your blog and I am bookmarking it.. and am joining in the group who really, REALLY wants one of those chickens.

    Sheridan recently posted 6-15-1924 It has been quite an enjoyable trip.

  460. Someone else liked comment 414 and your response, but I’m cranky enough to think he’s a mansplainer:
    http://karenhealey.livejournal.com/781085.html

    Suebob recently posted 50 for 50 Day 35- Seed Savers Exchange.

  461. Is the chicken made of tin? Because 15 years is tin. Just sayin’…

    Kristin recently posted Fathers day post- remembering my dad.

  462. You my dear are the most awesome thing on the internet. My son just said, “Mom must be reading The Bloggess ’cause she’s laughing so hard she’s snorting.” Please do not ever change.

    Cyn/fairiesnest recently posted Listening to Fabric.

  463. 467
    Angel Hernandez

    A friend shared this with me and I have never laughed so hard!! Way to go! Btw….I love the chicken! ;)

  464. You know, I probably should have been more tollerant with my Ex. She wasn’t so bad after all. Could have been a lot worse.

  465. I have laughed so much at this tonight, thank you! My hubby (having already read this when I showed him) could hear me muttering under my breath ‘When can I get hold of this…’ (Meaning some pen nibs) and shouted “YOU ARE NOT HAVING A 5FT METAL BLOODY CHICKEN!” He’s just so mean!

  466. Wow. I wish I had read this at the beginning of the day so my entire day would have been awesome.

    Elisa recently posted Fahzers.

  467. hahahahahahahahahahahahah I can’t…stop laaaauuuuggghhhiinggg!!! The next time I start to have a “debate” I will think Beyonce!!! Thank you so much for the laugh!

    Laurie@Food is Love recently posted Coconut Macaroon Brownies.

  468. Okay, seriously. If I had a cock that looked like that, I’d be seeking serious medical attention, and a write up in two medical journals, and maybe even an above the fold mention on msn.com!

  469. I feel so left out. No one is ever offended over my giant cock enough to complain on my blog about it. And I so wanted complete strangers with absolutely no grasp of context to pick meaningless fights with me about blocking comments when all of their comments are blocked. Dammit, Janet.

    Am I the only one thinking that hot pink towels embossed with giant cocks and “Knock knock, mother fucker” would be an amazing compromise?

    Heather Heartless recently posted Eat Pray Love Makes Me Want to Kill Myself.

  470. I found this to be petty, immature, and inane. Obviously there is a sense of entitlement going on if you value your stuff more than you value your relationship with the people around you. Maybe I don’t know you well enough, but through the whole story I found myself siding with the husband. It was not funny. It was wastefully and pointless. Grow up.

  471. I used to be married to someone like Victor and thought things like the chicken were hilarious. Now I’m with someone much nicer. We have lots of towels, no 5-foot-tall chickens, and I don’t miss it a bit.

  472. I have been having a crappy, fight with medical facilities kind of day and you made me laugh for the first time. Thank you.

  473. I LOVE this! I’m keeping that in mind for my 15 year anniversary! :-)

  474. Jenny, you’re the best thing on the internet.

    (not including porn)

  475. I feel so empowered by this post.

    You see, a couple of weeks ago I desired STRONGLY to buy a huge penis pinata and name him Chauncey: http://www.thebirdflipper.com/2011/05/i-made-penis-cookies-lets-just-start.html

    And I imagined we’d have grand adventures around town, me and him at the drive-in, the two of us sharing a sundae, maybe checking in to the No-Tel Motel (yes, we really have one of those in Tucson, SAY WHAT?).

    And my husband said, you don’t need to spend $50 on a penis pinata when we have diapers to buy.

    But you know what? Fuck him, I’m gonna do it. And have a 3 foot penis pinata ring our doorbell.

    Cuz that’s how I roll. Thank you, Jenny, for empowering my penis pinata purchase.

    And #414… Bless your heart. (Gently pats your head, then patronizingly rubs your cheek). You’re adorable.

    Busted Kate recently posted Happy Fathers Day- Mother @&ampers.

  476. Fabulous business idea, I have moms lining up to work for my new “Chicken Delivery Service.” I think we need to buy a flock of these chickens and deliver them all over Oahu!! We have a truck, my tetanus shot is current, and I have a decent pair of running shoes that will be put to great use running from the doorbell chime.

    If the giant metal chickens run short, we can hire someone to catch live, wild chickens and deliver them in boxes of say – 40?

    And by the way, my husband laughed and agreed that this is something I would easily do. That is why I am nominating you for the “Marriage blog of the year award.” Classic.

  477. still coming back to a) reread the blog; b) crack myself up reading “knock knock motherfucker” over and over again; c) to see what hill billy joe bob comment is coming next!

    Janeen recently posted Dignity Authority Dollars.

  478. Thank you for this story. And I definitely think you need to sell some cards with the “Knock knock, motherfuckers” picture in your store for people to put up on their doors. Though I’d also offer the caption “No solicitors, please.” Also possibly a “This Chicken Will Cut You” t-shirt. I’d take bets that they’d pay for Beyonce themselves, and possibly also some towels.

    On the subject of transgendered chickens, I submit for your consideration the University of Delaware mascot, YouDee, the Fightin’ Blue Hen. My understanding was that a hen was a female chicken, but YouDee is clearly male-identified, and is referred to using male pronouns. http://www.udel.edu/youdee/index.html

    Finally, it’s clear to me that those who take issue with this situation have clear ideas about traditional gender roles, especially with respect to the earning and spending of money. Admittedly, the ability to purchase a $100 big metal chicken as an anniversary gift without consulting one’s spouse is a luxury not affordable to many Americans in the current economic climate, but since we live in an aspirational society where everyone at least *wishes* she or he could spend a discretionary $100 on a big metal chicken, I say even the impoverished should salute you, because laughter is good for the soul, and free.

  479. Karen posted: The open minded love it, the closed minded love it. Wait, the no-minded? Is that who is being so hateful?

    I have to answer, it isn’t about being open or closed minded, it is about where you are in your particular point in life. People who have money to burn, resources, and time are the ones who will enjoy this and maybe find the humor somewhere. If you are like me where we are struggling, living on a budget so tight that sometimes there is not enough for food, and have had to give up luxuries such as new towels than you can see where fighting over finances or spending $100 in order to make your husband mad does not sound funny. I am sure that in 10 years we will find this funny, but now, it just seems wasteful.

  480. This post empowers me.

    You see, a few weeks ago I really really wanted to purchase a 3 foot tall pink penis pinata…

    …and name him Chauncey: http://www.thebirdflipper.com/2011/05/i-made-penis-cookies-lets-just-start.html

    I imagined us going around town together… sitting head to (ahem) head watching a movie, sharing a sundae, maybe slipping into the No-Tel Motel together (yes Tucson actually has one of those, SAY WHAT?)

    And my husband said, you don’t need a penis pinata… NO ONE needs a penis pinata. I said, how do you know that unless we get one? It might become indispensable.

    Thanks to this post, I say FUCK ‘EM. I’m getting Chauncey. And we’ll be blissfully happy together.

    To #414: Bless your lil’ heart ((Pats head, patronizingly rubs your cheek)… you’re adorable. Clearly you’re new here.

    Someone issue her some Judy Garland trail mix.

    Busted Kate recently posted Happy Fathers Day- Mother @&ampers.

  481. 485
    Bat Cave Twidget

    Other commenters want a giant metal rooster but I *need* a giant metal rooster. I do. Out here on My Side Of The Mountain, NC people put life sized Jesus statues in their front yards and dress them in robes & capes. Purple capes, black robes, haven’t seen a Superman cape yet. Check it out: http://picplz.com/user/jessica1011/pic/6td4t/

    I need a big ass metal rooster to put in my front yard and dress in a Superman cape so I can keep up with my hillbilly Joneses neighbors. Can you picture a big old metal rooster getting his Jesus Cape on in my front yard?
    http://picplz.com/user/jessica1011/pic/gkxf7/

    Also, does anybody else find themselves trying really hard to click Like for 92.8% of these comments? Anybody?

    Bat Cave Twidget recently posted Drill Baby- Drill!.

  482. Wait!!!! I accidentally hit ‘Done’ and I wasn’t!
    Third – comedy is her job, therefore giant chickens are a business expense (Seriously? I need a jOb like that). And Jenny also uses her powers for good and organized one o the most amaIng charity events I have ever witnessed or participated in.
    She IS better than Morher Theresa; she didn’t seem to have any sense of humor….
    Rock on, Jenny, rock on.

  483. Ahhhh…lighten up baby, I am in love with you! So damn funny; the men’s comments…they dont have a clue about the time you two acted like you had a meth lab one morn while at the convenience store in your pajamas!! That was too damn funny as well! Love, love, love it!

  484. It makes me feel weird when you’re serious, Jenny.

    Karen recently posted Wait Youre supposed to use a cell phone to talk to people.

  485. 490
    procomicdiva

    My Anniversary is in august how the fuck am i supposed to top that? lololololol I’m buying frick n towels!!!!
    sighhhhhh!!!!!! Sounds like we are married to the same man !!!!

  486. Oh my God.
    Good luck beating that for your sixteenth.

    Lindsey recently posted Something Old- Something New.

  487. “that’s like $200 worth of chicken for free” – so awesome.

    thank you, I needed this laugh today. I am still laughing. I need a 5 foot tin chicken.

    Kristina @ spabettie recently posted these make me FEEL GOOD … for many reasons.

  488. This blog post made me laugh harder than I have in a really long time. That picture was friggin’ priceless. Thanks for making my day with this one :)

    Catherine recently posted Simply Solo Spotlight- Wave That Red Flag- Girl.

  489. 494
    Anonymous

    So now Beyonce should, naturally, be a place to hang the beach towels.

  490. Is it wrong that I read comment #363 as that she was tired of buying her husband *whales*? I thought she was trying to outdo you like, “Oh, you think giant anniversary cocks are cool? Well, I’ve bought my husband anniversary *whales*!”

    Damn, I’d buy giant cocks and whales if I had the money! You rock, girl!

    Diana recently posted Stop Growing up All Ready!.

  491. The only thing that could possibly rival this ….. is the purchase of a 5 ft tall egg.
    And then, once and for all, we could answer the question of which came first. Obviously it was the chicken.

    The Hubby Diaries recently posted Laughter Is The Best Medicine.

  492. Thank you for this. Who knew a picture of a giant metal chicken named Beyonce standing menacingly at your front door was exactly what I needed to see? I showed this to my husband as a warning… Then again, I *have* brought home a hat that looks like a panda bear. (Panda’s name is Mortimer. Let’s face it, he’s no Beyonce.)

    The ZB recently posted Nice little surprises.

  493. So I read this to my hubby because I so could have done it and he laughter until he cried which he hasn’t done in forever..we own our own construction company…..so the post was like charity and therapy rolled up together. You ROCK!!!

  494. You are freaking HILARIOUS. We need to be friends.

  495. A woman after my own heart! Best laugh all day!!!

    Laura recently posted Baked Mac n Cheese.

  496. You have the best husband. Your husband has the best wife. :)

    I want to be you when I grow up, except I want my own Victor. And chicken.

  497. I simply MUST know where you procured this enormous fowl!!! Please, Bloggess, I beg you – the name of the Giant Chicken Emporium…..there are long-running ( I’m talkin’ years here) chicken jokes at my office – I would be the biggest hero if I showed up with this!!!

  498. 503
    Grumpy Fat Crab

    Having a crap day at work and you suceeded in making me snort into my coffee – Thank you. If Victor will pitch in the cash you can ship it to OZ and Beyonce can live with me in the Crab Shack by the beach, it would be like his retirement. I promise to send Victor picture of Beyonces new life. xx Grumpy Fat Crab

  499. I cannot thank you enough for this post and the joy that it has brought to my day. I flipped the link to my BFF this morning with the (totally serious) tagline “If this is marriage, I am IN”. As a result of the ensuing IM conversation she is compelled to buy a tiny chicken and put it somewhere prominent in her house. She will not disclose the meaning of the chicken to her husband (who just won’t get it) but it will be an unending source of amusement for her and I. Thanks for letting us share this. Also, I may need to make the “Knock-knock motherfucker” photo my screensaver.

  500. TEARS from laughing so hard. My husband is coming over to see why I’m laughing out loud. That is so great.

  501. I think I just peed myself a little. Best. Present. Ever!!!

    Kate recently posted I knew in a moment.

  502. Not only does it scare your ordinary garden snakes, I’ll be willing to bet you’ll never see a basilisk, either.

  503. laughed so hard i have tears!! AWESOMENESS!!!!!!!

  504. I just shared this on facebook I was laughing so hard. It totally sounds like something I would do!

    Allison recently posted Day of the Fathers.

  505. 510
    Jack shiite

    Must be nice to be a stupid asshole with hundreds of dollars of someone else’s money.

  506. Oh my god!!!! This is so funny and reminds me of my husband. Today is our 20th and I’m really pissed that I didn’t get him a giant chicken!

  507. i know my comment is just one out of OVER 500… but this was too funny not to say something.

    i absolutely adore this post. i laughed so hard i cried. and then i shared it with my own husband, so maybe he can learn the perspective thing without actually having to go through it himself….

    Nobody recently posted Meh.

  508. This is the most hilarious piece I have ever read…. thank you Jenny for writing and sharing this post…
    “Knock knock motherf***ker…”
    you are awesome.

    maggie recently posted Somewhere in Europe.

  509. Melly dear, I think you’ve found yourself at the wrong blog.

    SarcasminAction recently posted Blogger Face off Round 7.

  510. 515
    AshleyLynn

    This is absolutely delightful. It had me in tears I was laughing so hard.

    15 years is supposed to be watches for an anniversary gift, you should try and find a watch with a chicken on it. His head might actually explode if you do, thought.

  511. When you rang the door and ran, leaving the chicken, AND had a photo, I snorted coffee out of my nose. OMG, good stuff. Happy metal chicken anniversary!!!

    Jules

    sparkly jules recently posted For Today June 20- 2011 Simple Womans Daybook.

  512. I tell my boyfriend almost every day that reading your blog is looking into the future of our relationship. (I have anxiety issues, and Boyfriend’s copes and loves me anyway. Although to be fair, I don’t have anxiety wigs, I just change my hair color every time I feel like giving up and hiding behind the faux logs in my non-functional gas-free gas fireplace with my bottle of Xanax.)

    Anyway, he took my laptop when I couldn’t stop laughing after 5 minutes of re-reading this and, after reading Victor’s reaction to the epic doorbell ditching, I think he’s finally beginning to understand.

    Thank you for providing us with literary time travel.

  513. 518
    Jack shiite

    Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?

    Your didn’t get your way when you wanted something, so you acted out of spite and spent a pantload of his money just to get revenge on him? What kind of childish retard ARE you?

    You’re the reason thousands of women every year are beaten to death by their husbands.

  514. That is one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. I need that. My husband would be ecstatic. I’m sure of it. ;)

  515. When I got to the picture of Beyoncé at your front door, I completely lost it. Priceless. I’m disappointed Victor didn’t have a more amusing reaction.

    Stacey recently posted He Makes It Look So Easy .

  516. I am more in love with you right now than I thought possible.

    I am dying every time I scroll back up to see that chicken at the front door. Brilliant.

    Thank you for being you.

    Suniverse recently posted Not as erudite as I thought.

  517. I can’t believe how this made me laugh. My husband the whole time looking at me like I have finally gone round the bend so to speak. If I weren’t terrified of chickens I would so go out and buy one. I will definitely be on the look out for a 5 ft animal of some variety though.

    Thank you I almost wet my pants laughing at this.

  518. He should totally count his blessings. You COULD have come home with several gallons of Pepto-Bismol pink paint to redecorate the bathroom, since you now need it to coordinate with pink beach towels.

    Rachael recently posted What Happened to His Pants!.

  519. This was truly hilarious, as per usual. I love how you owned the humorless visitors. I also think that may have been the real Bob Costas (454) as he said “it sure don’t make a healthy marriage”. That type of grammar kills me.

    Mary recently posted Polaroids from Weird Al’s 2000 Touring With Scissors Tour.

  520. Oh my gosh. I haven’t had tears from laughing in a REALLY long time….but I sure do now! THANK YOU!!!!! Hope you have a fabulous “actual” anniversary day! :)

    Diane {Hershey Boudoir Photography} recently posted Nomi Lancaster Children’s Photography.

  521. This seriously may be the funniest thing I’ve ever read, plus I can totally picture my bff and I having this same day. Wonderful! Thanks for sharing with us all.

  522. 528
    Lynnlea Anderson

    By the time I was finished reading this, I had tears streaming down my face as I laughed hysterically. This, in turn, caused my husband, my son and my dog to come rushing into the office to find out if I was okay. Thank you so much for sharing this hilarious and yet, poignant story about how we, as women, can get around just about any directive our husbands give to us. I’m off to find my own “chicken” for an upcoming anniversary…:)

  523. Oh my God, I think you killed me. I laughed so hard that I fell of the couch and hit my head. My brain is probably swelling right now and I will be dead in a couple of hours, but it was totally worth it. If I don’t die I will be laughing for weeks whenever I see something even remotely chicken-related.

    I love you (and Victor) so much, but I think I might love Beyonce more.

    And who linked this post to the self-help forum of people with sticks up their asses? Or is it the same humor-challenged person posting all over again? Dude, whoever you are, go somewhere else. I’d tell you to go read up on Victor before you get your panties in a bunch, but I don’t think you’re *really* worried about Jenny’s marriage.

  524. Hubby sometimes gets annoyed with my blogging and blog-reading (he just doesn’t get it, as much as he tries, the poor dear), but I showed him this post and he thought it was GENIUS. The picture is hilarious, and now he’s quoting “knock knock motherfucker” every few minutes.

    AND THEN I showed him the negative comments (and your perfect responses) and he got his back up and all defensive of you! So cute.

    Just thought you might like to know that even people who aren’t necessarily as in love with you as I am agree with your logic on this one. It’s a hilarious post and it made hundreds of people very happy. Including the two of us. Bravo!

    xo

    Annadanna (from Canada) recently posted Not all dads are jackoffs.

  525. Props to you Jenny! I’m betting that any man you’d marry, HAS to have an awesome sense of humor. When you two are old and gray, you’ll look back on rusted out Beyonce and laugh. I think Victor may not want to admit that he thinks it’s pretty hilarious too.

  526. OMG!! I so need to find myself a giant chicken to try get my “Victor” to laugh!!! That is hilarious!

  527. just absolutely perfect. my husband was yelling, ‘you better explain what your laughing about, or stop laughing so loud!’

  528. Two words. YOU ROCK!

    That has to be the funniest thing I have seen in a long time. First time visitor to your blog, brought by a link on Facebook. And at this very moment, I too would be more than willing to send $1 and a towel.

    With a cock on it, of course!

  529. 535
    Lina barragan-armendariz

    I cant stop laughing:)

  530. 15 years ago, Victor liked it so he put a ring on it.

    Now, he gets Beyoncé.

    That’s some ironic cockiversary beauty right there.

  531. Thanks so much for making my day! I sent this to my husband with a note about how lucky he is – he laughed like hell. And reading the comments here reminded me how lucky *I* am – I’m soooo glad I’m not married to one of these humorless men.

  532. This made me do several genuine LOLs! I like your style!

  533. My husband is still using towels we got for our wedding in 1981. I have moved on to new ones, but not he. Guys must have a thing about towels.

    On the main drag in Kerrville, I saw a place that sells the 3-D giant Texas stars that can pose in your front yard. You need one to match the chicken.

    What, are you in a subdivision with rules against putting chickens in the front yard? You could decorate it for every holiday. I used to have a neighbor with a cement goose on her doorstep that had a new costume for every occasion. More creative family fun embodied in a metal chicken.

    I am linking to this post on Facebook because I simply can’t keep it to myself.

    Amy recently posted Down to the Wire.

  534. 540
    Sharon Arsenault

    Bloggess (Jenny) Please don’t let any of the self proclaimed therapists standing on thier rickety soapboxes ruin the genius behind your posts(s), Your humor makes the day for thousands and thousands of readers. I know, I am one of them. We are all here to follow you and your random silliness by choice. If there is a negative opinion regarding your antics, then those who are so free with thier meanness should follow there own therapeutic advice and wash thier own windows before they peer into yours. I love what you post. And I love how you unselfishly share the humor, connections and relationships of your personal life with us. You are brilliant, and fun and an individual and I shudder to think that the uninvited mean spiritedness would bring you anything but a tongue in cheek reason to keep us all laughing all the more. : )

  535. I love it. I am laughing so hard I have tears running down my face and my husband is looking at me like I am crazy. I could so see me doing this. Hell I probably have. :)

  536. My friend just shared this link on Facebook with me and now I’m hooked to your blog. All because of Beyonce. You are awesome! Happy Anniversary!

  537. OMG – you totally made my day! I sooo needed that laugh – absolutely awesome!

  538. Absolutely HYSTERICAL!!!!

  539. That is fricken awesome!!!

  540. I just read this out loud to my husband… twice because I was laughing so hard he couldn’t understand me the first time. Totally awesome.

  541. You women are all f’ing crazy but we men somehow still love you! Bitches!

  542. Geez Jenny, how dare you waste your husband’s moneyy… blah blah blah Obviously some don’t realize that women are allowed to work and earn their own these days. I’ve reread this several times today. Keep brightening the world one blog entry at a time! You’re awesome again!

  543. jack Shiite #516–I really tried not to respond to this, but I have to. The reason that women get beaten to death by their husbands is because they are married to men who can’t control their anger. Nothing a woman ever does EARNS being beaten–much less to death. Please, please go to some anger management classes.

    sophie recently posted Coffee table DIY.

  544. 550
    Springmom

    And his reaction is exactly why I’m single. Happily raising my daughter and there is no one to tell me how I can or can’t spend MY money. It’s mine, I make it, so I spend it. :p

  545. Nathan, blank, all the obviously oblivious hate trolls are the same person. Semantic and syntactic analysis are concise methods for determining authorship. This is a deeply disturbed personality that seethes with hatred at your universal approval and popularity as he/she sits sipping at a glass of room temperature vinegar and water.

  546. This is the funniest thing I have ever read. EVER. And here I thought there would never be a way I would actually love Beyonce!

  547. This is phenomenal. I laughed my large ass off. Completely gone. Knock Knock Motherfucker HAHAHHAHAAAA!!!!

    Summer @ Banana Hammocks & Tutus recently posted Chocolate Dipped Banana Pops.

  548. 554
    Anonymous

    Funniest shit i have ever read!!!

  549. This is hilarious, but I have to admit, if money was remotely tight I wouldn’t spend a hundred bucks on a giant metal chicken….given that it’d probably end up at a thrift store for way less money eventually.
    <3

  550. 556
    Katie lyn

    THANK YOU for this!!! Christmas… Beyonce needs lights and his own tree!!!

    congrats on 15 years of wedded bliss :) Too bad Victor can’t take a joke.

    No one is home right now, but I literally sat on my couch reading this with tears in my eyes! Thank you for making my day, month and year!!!

  551. I know I’m, like, the 870bajillionth person to comment, but ohmahholyhell, this made me howl & snort & cackle & other bodily functions that I shall not mention.

  552. Did you know that your 16th anniversary is, in fact, towels with giant chickens printed on them? It is incredibly convenient, really.

  553. You have a new subscriber now (me), thanks for the laugh!

    Jaci recently posted Baby6 &amp Baby7 have arrived! fargo doula birth story.

  554. You. Are. Hilarious. And you need to come visit San Antonio. My friends and I would welcome you with open wings.

  555. That’s cock of the walk right there!

  556. OMG…pure genius once again. I have to say, I was reading this while sitting on the couch and the hubz is trying to watch The Voice. I cracked up laughing…almost to tears…and got a look like I have 3 horns sticking out of my head. I didn’t even try to explain. He doesn’t understand to awesomeness that is James Garfield, so clearly he would not begin to understand something like a 5 ft metal chicken named Beyonce. I think Victor secretly loves Beyonce and is just pissed he didn’t spot her first. Of course he loves the new view from his only window. We need a pic of said view!

    Jen

  557. I hope you also gave him the best BJ of his life, because I don’t know how he puts up with you otherwise.

  558. Ok, totally cannot stop laughing now!!! I’m gonna be giggling for the next week… and every time I see a chicken in the near future! AWESOME! YOU ROCK!

  559. Dear Jenny,

    I would just like to congratulate you on the 16th anniversary of my efforts on trying to comment today. If you need to beat of HostGator, I know some people ;)

    …and of course I am thanking you for these awesome words, to which I was woken up by this fine morning ;)

    “Knock Knock Motherfucker!”

    Love at ya!

    Tony

    Tony Hunt recently posted Just a little funny.

  560. Laughed so hard – and that was before I saw the photos of Beyonce, the 5 ft chicken – hilarious! Victor is a very lucky man!

    Adriana_G recently posted When Life is but a Blur.

  561. 1. best. revenge. ever.
    2. I think I have just found the in-laws’ Christmas gift
    3. I am totally forwarding this to my husband as a warning

    Lori B recently posted Its a House Party!.

  562. I’ve been wanting to say ‘knock knock motherfucker’ to someone all day, and haven’t yet found the right opportunity (it’s still early). Anyway, I randomly came across this http://www.houstontech.org/photos/28/in/2/

    You’re so tall! Love x

  563. HI.LA.RIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  564. 571
    Unfancynancy

    I don’t think I have ever laughed so damn hard in my life. Every single step of that story is so FUNNY!! I have read it 10 times today!

  565. Freaking HYSTERICAL!!!!! LOVED reading this!

  566. I just love it!!! Laughed out loud until tears streamed down my face :-))

  567. You just made my day. Thanks Victor for being Victor. Thanks Laura for taking you shopping and knowing you well enough to know you needed a 5 ft chicken. And, thank YOU for blogging the best laugh of my day!

  568. Wow. Cock-gate 2011. I love it!

    And who knew whimsy could be so controversial?

  569. I’ve been laughing on and off for the last 20 minutes. First from the post… and now because of the sad deluded men who really seem to think they know everything about someone based off a blog post. Yikes guys, I think you need to realize that women are entitled to free thought. And yes, spending money on a giant metal chicken now and then. If it had actually been a big deal, odds are, it wouldn’t still be in the yard.

    Also: Giant Metal Chicken for 15 years? WAY better than crystal or watches.

    WhitneyD recently posted Down with Pirate Princesses!.

  570. Nice… two years ago my girlfriend made this “amazing” find at a yard sale – a basket of glass rods. The woman selling them was an amateur glass-blower, and these were the practice pieces or excess or some other unwanted by-product of her hobby. I was on the other end of the driveway, inspecting something completely useful and practical, like a pile of 1983 Star Wars comics, so I didn’t hear what she told my girlfriend, but next thing I know I’m $10 poorer and schlepping this 30lb basket of glass rods to the car. “When i organize the study, I can decorate it with the glass,” she assured me. I tried to point out that she knew nothing about decorating with glass, this just was the leftovers from *real* glass decorations, and the study was never going to be organized if she kept moving in this crap she found at yard sales. No luck. Twenty four months later, the study is still a mess, and we have 30lbs of glass rods still sitting on the floor. Well, beats a metal chicken.

  571. Not so much related to Beyonce the chicken but who doesn’t love good taxidermy… huh? http://www.stuff.co.nz/oddstuff/5174457/Lancasters-critters-Dead-animals-turned-to-art

  572. Seriously, this is a horrible thing to post for a middle aged woman who’s had seven children….. laughed so hard I peed my pants.

  573. I so love you people. Especially those of you paging down far enough to read this. You rock.

    I wish you chickeny dreams, all.

  574. I think Victor should simmer down and invite the chicken in for a vegan dinner. Maybe beyonce could hold the camera on its beak for intimate nights. its win win.

  575. I found this link to your blog on a friend’s FB page and had to read it. The crazy thing is my husband has wanted a giant metal chicken for our yard. NO KIDDING! I have been the anti-Beyonce here. Now I’m rethinking my opposition. Maybe if I agree to it, I’ll just get towels! BaaaHaaaa!

  576. I need a big metal chicken, where’s my Beyonce?

  577. Okay this was just pure fun to read.

  578. Christ that was the funniest thing I’ve read in a while.

    Dreich recently posted I would walk 500 miles.

  579. I should like to see a Beyonce-cam so that we can watch your chicken in situ. I would check in on that sh*t daily, yo. DAILY.

    Also, I shall be on a hunt this weekend for either some rusted-ass oil drums or a ready-made chicken. I have some spray paint at home. TEXT ME WITH CHICKEN INFO!

    KelleBelle recently posted Harm Reduction.

  580. A friend sent me the link to your blog this evening. OMG!! It’s 3am and every time I look at that bird at your front door I crack up. I have to stop looking now so I don’t wake the whole house up. I think it was an EXCELLENT purchase and a thoughtful anniversary gift. I’ll bet you can do some great holiday decorating with Beyonce too. I’m thinking a witch hat & cape, dress her up like Santa, you know how folks dress those dumb geese up. This is the gift that can keep on giving!!! What a hoot!

  581. If my lady ever did this to me, I’d just have more proof I had found the right woman to share my life with. She tolerates my insanity, I hers and somehow this crazy thing between us has been working for 15 years now as well. We are just nutty enough for each other and it sounds like you and Victor are the same. When I stopped laughing and started reading comments, I had to say something from a man’s perspective… so here it is! Keep on keeping on!

    As an amusing aside, I ended up here via link when I shared a gift my lovely crazy lady sent to me at my work with a friend. Big metal chickens really must be the new millenium’s 15th anniversary gift!

  582. I laughed my ass off while reading this. Thank you.

  583. “Chicken Down!” Can’t tell you how hard I laughed, thx u!!

  584. That was such a great laugh. I am new to your blog and have been working my way backwards as well as forwards because I enjoy your sense of humor so much. I think this is my second favourite post – the first one being where you had Victor take photos of you with hamburgers before you went to Japan. You are a terrific writer with a wonderful sense of comic timing. Thanks for sharing.

  585. 592
    kelp lady

    this is why young people need counseling before getting married and having kids, and the reason we have a 50% divorce rate. She sounds like an immature spendthrift who is used to getting her own way and her husband is in a tight spot with her. He’s in trouble if he leaves or stays.

  586. I read this aloud to my husband just before he left on his annual mens’ camping trip to the High Sierras. He laughed his head off. However, I think there’s a really good chance he won’t retell the story to the guys. I’m totally loving this!!

  587. My Tuesday Morning (where I met Eustice) has some smaller versions of those that totally BOUNCED when you touched them. It was SO hard not to buy them up so I could have a flock of bouncing chickens in my patio garden. My husband shook his head when I told him how lucky you were to find Beyonce! I am totally jealous! Can everyone send Eustice $1 so he can have one too?!

  588. 595
    PatioKitty

    This was exactly what I needed to read this morning! I think I woke my son up with all my laughing though…but it’s so worth it LOL

  589. OMG if I woke up to that chicken in my doorway it would SO make my day. totally worth the money, plus, that should teach Victor to stay out your business

    angelica recently posted 12 months June- family self portrait.

  590. Could you have had a family of chickens, all different sizes? Will Beyonce be multiplying sometime around the holidays?

    Visty recently posted 40.

  591. When the store manager mentioned “This chicken will cut you,” all I could think was that the chicken needed to be named Bon Qui Qui.

  592. i found this hysterical loved it

  593. Brilliant! Reminds me of the rather obscure mid-1990s cartoon DuckMan. There was Duckman’s nemesis called King Chicken…Mwuhahaha…. bawk bawk…. (voiced by Tim Curry). Thank you. (from London, UK)

  594. 601
    Anonymous

    Would it be possible to aggregate all of these responses by pro- and con- and gender?
    As far as I can tell, it seems to fall out as roughly:
    500 female pro-
    0 female con0
    75 male con-
    0 male pro-

  595. Omg! This is the funniest story ever. I was literally sitting here LOLing til I cried. Hilarious. And I totally think you need to go back and buy Beyonce a friend — the only thing better than one 5′ tall chicken, is two. Ahahaha

  596. First time I’ve read your blog and I am in fits of laughter!!!!
    ROFL ROFL ROFL

  597. So has Victor snapped out of his fowl mood, yet?

  598. No wonder he’s pissed.

    One small argument and you go out and blow 100 bucks on the biggest cock you can find.

    (Apologies if this joke has already been done, I couldn’t be bothered going through 600 odd comments.)

  599. Words cannot describe how much I needed this post today.

    Sunday recently posted Summer break.

  600. My 15th anniversary is next March – now that I have read this with my husband, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if I end up with a metal chicken of some description as a gift. Thank you for the laugh, it is a great story told really well

  601. 608
    Anonymous

    ha ha ha! should have let you buy the towels :D

  602. Not only did Victor get the gift of Beyonce for your anniversary, he got the reminder that being married to you in unlike being married to anyone else. A giant, shart-edged, metal, clearance-priced reminder.

  603. I must have a metal chicken in my life!! Is it the year of the rooster??? I will have to check…
    This? Is awesome!

    Kelly recently posted Summer Time is Picnic Time!.

  604. That was supposed to be sharp-edged. Though shart-edged is pretty good…

    Brutalism recently posted Backhanded Compliments.

  605. I just read this to my husband and we both almost wet ourselves laughing. (Of course he totally understood where Victor was coming from with the whole ‘office abuse’ scene, whereas I was with you in front of the tv/hiding). This is going viral on Facebook Down Under. Just so you know.
    ?
    BB

    Bush Babe recently posted Hunting for Audrey and Mia Ch 15.

  606. I saw this post on a friend’s facebook page… now I’m a fan.

    Absolutely terrific.

    Poor Victor… chicken at the window.

    Lucky Victor… to have such a fascinating lady around! :)

    Great blog.

  607. 615
    Jane Sailor

    Makes me want one too.

  608. Damn you’re funny. I’ve laughed till I cried. This is going on my FB.
    V

    virginia recently posted Fête de la Musique - Un jour de retard.

  609. 617
    yankeemomm

    A very FOWL deed!

  610. 618
    Janet Gamache Craig

    Funniest caption under the chicken at the door ever. Sounds like a day out of my own former life

  611. I’m laughing out loud on the subway. People are staring at me, but I can’t stop.

  612. Oh. My. Goodness. Thank you so much for making me spew diet Mountain Dew all over my computer screen. Well, at least he’ll never tell you not to buy *towels* again!

  613. Ok, so it could be the bottle of wine I have drunk but Im sitting here pmsl! I dont get why Victor is so peeved about Beyonce! Beyonce will stop theives breaking into “his only” office window and stealing something important

  614. Can I hire you? I just had the exact same argument with my husband about dishes and our anniversary is in September. AND there is only one window in my husbands home office. Brilliant. And hilarious.

    Kathy recently posted I’m a Mom For Cooties.

  615. I absoultely LOVE this!!! I really should keep up with the proper gifts for the occassion because I missed a perfect opportunity to get a giant chicken…DAMN IT ALL!! What would have made this better is if you would have put a new towel around Beyonce’s neck to help wick away the sweat on hot days!

  616. 624
    Stephanie

    OMG….I am crying and trying to laugh as silently as I can in my cubicle….HILARIOUS. I LOVE Beyonce

  617. Wow. This is possibly the best thing EVER. I am so very very jealous that I do not have this chicken.

    FreshHell recently posted They Say It’s My Birthday.

  618. This is whizzing around FB faster than a headless one, Jenny.
    I want your life (well, just the good bits).

  619. 627
    Stan Dyer

    You should have draped the pink towels around the chicken as if he were either returning from the beach, or looking for someone to join him.

  620. 628
    Jillianne Marie

    I got this link on my way to work and seriously started laughing so hard in my car I couldn’t drive. knock knock is what did me in. I am sure the commuters at the stop light behind me didn’t appreciate it when I couldn’t go on green but it was so worth the horns honking for such a good morning laugh.

  621. Absolutely hilarious! I loved reading this story. You made my day!

  622. Seriously the funniest thing that I have ever read.

  623. You are my new hero… Beyonce definately trumps my “Christmas Dragon” also found at at similar discount-you-don’t-need-this-crap-but-you-know-you-want-it store.

    Great blog!

    samshine20 recently posted Day 63- Wish You Were Here!.

  624. You are my new hero… Beyonce definately trumps my “Christmas Dragon” also found at a similar discount-you-don’t-need-this-crap-but-you-know-you-want-it store.

    Great blog!

    samshine20 recently posted Day 63- Wish You Were Here!.

  625. @505 : IT WILL CUT A BASILISK WITHOUT EVEN COCKING AN EYE.

  626. Yesterday, June 21, was our 8th anniversary. It’s too bad I didn’t buy my husband a giant chicken named Beyoncé!

  627. OMG. I think I love you. That is the funniest story I have heard in a long time. I am sitting in the kitchen laughing out loud while my teenage son sleeps down the hall. I hope I woke him to the thought that his mom might be a little crazy. It’s good to keep them on their toes. I want a big metal chicken, now. Have a great day, because this made mine!

  628. hahahahahaahhaha this is fantastic.

  629. 637
    Sorry So Wordy

    “To #414: Bless your lil’ heart (Pats head, patronizingly rubs your cheek)… you’re adorable. Clearly you’re new here.”

    I absolutely am new here. I tried to make very few presumptions about either Jenny or Victor because I got here via a random Twitter link that got retweeted around to my feed.

    @Jenny

    I appreciate the response. The charity thing was probably uncalled for, and I am overjoyed to hear how active you are in your own charity work. Thank you, also, for the background about how you and Victor are much more on each other’s wavelength than a first-time reader would understandably glean from this post. Given those facts: Long live Beyonce, the sharp, rusty chicken.

    P.S. “Knock knock, mother fucker” and “The chicken has a shiv” were highlights of the post. Excellent comedic writing.

  630. This is hysterically funny! Even funnier because I’m a Gamecock fan, and I want one of those metal chickens!

  631. LOL! I am totally showing this to my husband as a lesson. “Let me buy what I want or you may end up with giant chickens!”

  632. That is HILLARIOUS!!!! Thank you so much for the great laugh.
    I hope Victor knows that you won!! :)

  633. The next gift – towels with chickens embroidered on! It would almost be funnier if he was the one to give them to you ;D

    I wonder if there is a way to put a speaker inside the chicken and play songs like the Chicken Dance, the Bird is the Word and the theme that Family Guys plays when the huge chicken fights some character!!!

  634. THAT was the most wonderful thing I have read in a long time. Laughed till it hurt! Thank you for buying Beyonce’ and blogging about it.

  635. This chicken is the paragon of useless crap, and thus might make my husband cry. I need one to keep in storage for just the right moment. Thank you for the laugh!

  636. Wonder how long ’til we’ll see a story about a Houston-area writer who got pummeled to death by a giant metal chicken.

  637. You madam, are a comical genius.

  638. Not funny. Your “marriage”, such as it is, is already on the rocks and you don’t even realize it. That’s too bad. If you were a grownup you’d realize the situation.

  639. 647
    Liz Ashton

    It’s good to know I’m not the only one to enjoy having a less than conventional relationship. The 5 foot chicken was *genius* I tell you! I’m trying to find a life sized statue of a Yorkshire Terrier to give my partner for Christmas. To match the real Yorkie we have, Gizmo. Makes perfect sense yes? Yes?!

  640. Jenny, I haven’t laughed so hard in a while. Thanks! I’m going to print this for my mom who doesn’t have the internet.

    Nathan, you’re making big assumptions. Maybe Victor and Jenny work out their fights with jokes like this. Maybe they have such a strong marriage that Jenny knew he’d get a kick out of Beyonce eventually or he’d get the message this way easier than a long, drawn out discussion about towels. Anyone who thinks that their spouse is going to honor “trust” and not “betray” them in a marital argument over not letting someone buy towels or something else equally trivial is being silly and has no sense of humor. Maybe Victor realizes that he has a jewel in Jenny and he wouldn’t trade her for the world, because who else is gonna ring the doorbell with a giant metal chicken and then tell him the 15 year anniversary is for huge metal chickens? That’s gold.

    Jenny, great come-backs. Now I have to go read the rest of your blog. This is my first visit thanks to my great friends on Facebook who were cracking up over it. xo

  641. My husband and I also have fights (well, intense discussions) about towels, but ours are about the proper (half/half/thirds, also known as “my way”) way to fold a towel, versus the improper (half/half/half/wad into the linen closet, also known as “his way”). Our towel-issue has been going on for the entirety of our 20 year marriage, although he officially “won” a few years back.
    We were “discussing” the topic, while folding laundry together, and he stopped and looked at me for a long moment. When I looked up, he said “You know… some day, I’ll be gone. And your towels will never be folded anything but your way, from then on.”
    Now, when I stumble across one done “his way”, I may curse, and I certainly do re-fold it, but I also think of it as a reminder that I’m blessed to have his presence in my life for all these years.

    Jess Hartley recently posted In Which We Share Three New Pieces.

  642. I don’t know about you, but the giant comb on the chicken’s head just screams ‘great place to hang hot pink beach towels.’

    moooooog35 recently posted Shit My Kids Make - This is Probably Why I Miss Appointments.

  643. Seriously. I want to be friends with you so we can go shopping and hang out together.

  644. I heard the 16-year anniversary is the Bronzed Chupacabra anniversary. Can’t wait to meet Jay-Z.

    Julie the Wife recently posted Monday Minivan Media.

  645. OMG! I needed to laugh this morning!! Thank you! We should all deal with our husbands this way!

  646. The comments are nearly as funny as Beyonce.

    Busy Mom recently posted Why do you read blogs.

  647. I always said Victor deserves a metal. Now he’s got one, of sorts.

  648. You saved money!!! A set of good towels would have cost more than the chicken, and I doubt the towels would even have made you giggle.

  649. 657
    anneliese

    where did the chicken come from!?!?! i want one!! and i want to name it Beyonce Jr (or Jay-Z)

  650. I cannot believe how many people from every subset of friends and relations I have, have (justifiably) reported this. Not only has it appearred again and again in my FB and twitter feeds but it’s stalked across every yahoo group and listsev on every topic. Completely viral. Go you!

  651. I don’t know you – but I am in love with you

  652. I sooooo want you to be my neighbor. And your responses to the weird creepy people trying to tell you how to live your life and passing judgement on a humor site? Perfect!

  653. OMG I’m DYING! This is the funniest thing I’ve seen all year. Just moved in with boyfriend and can so relate right now. I totally need a 5′ tall chicken. THANK YOU!!!

  654. You always make me laugh…and shoot coffee out my nose!

    Jeane recently posted Escaping the dirty on laundry day!.

  655. *bowing down to you* Kudos, my friend. Kudos.

    Jules recently posted I’m At Blogger Body Calendar Today!.

  656. you are my FUCKING hero!

    karen recently posted Holy Shit! The Bruins Win! 6-15-11.

  657. That was the best way to start a day ….. Awesome!

  658. my parents bought a rusty metal chicken (rooster) in mexico. and they had it above their cupboards in the kitchen. anyway my mom was cleaning and apparently their mexican chicken was rickety like Beyonce and it fell off of the cupboard onto her head. and cut her open. so they panicked because of all of the blood and called 911 and when the ambulance arrived and they tried to explain how she sliced her head open, they had to say the rusty chicken did it. let’s just say that my dad received some evil/odd looks like they did not believe it was really the chicken.

  659. A friend of mine sent this on over to me, and I am LOVING it. Thanks for the giggle!

    Christine B recently posted Best peanut butter brownies EVER.

  660. Now I feel a lot less guilty about the antiqued chicken sculpture I’ve been lusting after. At least the one I picked out has some class. Not much more than yours, but it’s ANTIQUED!

  661. You are a beautiful woman with a beautiful soul, and I would sincerely like to take you to Chili’s for some soup and half a sandwich.

  662. Wow you’re a massive bitch. How many times has divorce been threatened?

  663. I love this chicken…. IF I lived in TX I would so buy one.

  664. You, my dear, need to be published. I see you as the 21st century Erma Bombeck whose books started out as a series of newspaper columns. I know you’re ‘published’ online but I want a book of your best. Or 2, or 14.

    Judith Bandsma recently posted It’s so nice to be far from SC right now.

  665. best anniversary gift ever!

    Secret Mom Thoughts recently posted Stripes and Polka Dots.

  666. my face hurts i’m laughing so hard.

  667. If you only knew. You have captured the essence of my marriage and my sensibility about spending money and my husband’s refrain, “Did you really need that?”

    Alleluia!!!

  668. I think my comment was eaten by Beyonce… I believe I insinuted that Beyonce was a cock rather than a chicken … but with its comment eating ways I now believe it truely is a female… as only females are that vicious..

    and btw.. thanks for the laugh.

  669. Perhaps you could claim Beyonce as a dependent on your taxes?

  670. Thought the neighbors may call the paramedics as they heard me laughing so hard I could barely breathe.

    You absolutely made my day.

    I am seriously coveting your chicken – Beyonce would look great outside my office window.

    Wonder how many google searches have been conducted for “5′ metal chicken” in the past 24 hours….

    Dude, nice chicken.

  671. 679
    Paula Johnson

    Classic! I don’t really want the chicken, but it is a classic. I am dying to send this to my friend Sue. She would so understand because she and her cohorts could so pull the same sort of thing. It’s great that you and Victor can keep your marriage ‘fresh’ with humor. I am not so cool.. would have just bought the towels anyway and took the dirty looks. Showing this to my daughters now!

  672. 680
    fussybritches

    This is the most hysterical blog post I think I’ve ever seen. The next time my husband and I have a fight about something, I’m totally buying a 5 foot rusty chicken.

  673. http://www.barrioantiguofurniture.com/metal-farm-animals–flowers.html

    scroll down…..

    METAL FARM ANIMALS!

    in case anyone wants one….

  674. Awesome. Utterly awesome. If only Beyonce, or her ilk (do 5 foot chickens have ilk?) had been around when I went through my own Towel Trauma with my ex. (He didn’t like the new bathroom towels because they were too soft and absorbent. Huh?)

  675. Just the story I needed today. I might just have to go find my own chicken.

  676. I felt like I was reading a story about myself! I too enjoy torturing my husband with metal chickens and toilet monsters.

  677. This reminded me of my husband! But he would at least appreciate the chicken, seeing as he works for a poultry company. Of course, he’d make me return the damn thing, but he’d get a laugh out of it just the same. Totally made me giggle.

    Courtney recently posted 101 Free Things to do in the South.

  678. And I congratulated myself on my restraint for NOT buying the cute little sheet metal chickens at Dollar General last night. For $6 each. With adorable little metal tags around their necks spouting pithy sayings such as “It’s the simple things in life” and “Welcome to my garden.” Because spouse does not appreciate the artistry of the ornamental chicken.

    I think I’m going back there today, and those metal chickens are coming home with me after all.

    Angela recently posted Tornado and aftermath no yarn-related content.

  679. Maybe I missed something while skimming through the comments, which are predictably almost as good as the post itself, but is nobody concerned that this is clearly a MALE chicken? Named Beyonce, an uncommon name known to most people as a famous FEMALE? Anybody else hearing the line from “A Boy Named Sue” and thinking, “My name is Beyonce! This chicken will cut you! You gonna die!” Really, Jenny, good thing he’s rusty metal, because if he ever came to life and decided to get even, you’d need the sound of his clanging and squeaking to get away in time.

  680. i literally just peed my pants a little bit. while sitting at my desk at work. guess i won’t be getting up anytime soon…

  681. I laughed until I cried and then I shared it with my sister. Thank you for that!

  682. I’m thinking the chicken needs to keep moving around the house. One day she needs to be in the shower, your bedroom, the closet (if she fits), and basically anywhere thats rediculous. With a straight face you have to explain why shes there.

    Shower: “She got dirty so I wanted to rinse her off.”
    Bedroom: “The rocks on her feet were moved last night so I wanted to move her inside to keep her from being stolen…” (this is also good to try and put the moves on Victor and have the chicken facing the bed….creeeeeppppyyyy)
    Closet: “I was wondering where I put her…..”
    Kitchen: “I was making eggs….reminded me of her”

  683. For the 25th reunion, you should really consider investing in a life-size terracotta soldier replica, imported from China. (You could name him Jay-Z.) Or, you could just have one of my mom’s. Please take it away. Please.

  684. I think I love you. Best. Blog. Ever.

  685. OK, so now we all need to buy stock in the “big metal chicken” business because clearly this is what has been missing! Women across the country are clamoring to own one. I’m not even married and I want one…you know, in case I get married. (chuckle snicker)

  686. I mean anniversary, not reunion! Damnit!

    Courtney recently posted Let the record show that I used to be a good person.

  687. This is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while. Thank you for the laugh.!

  688. 696
    Dyane Nelson

    This is GREAT! I have the same humor! Love it!

  689. I think your chicken is GREAT! I love it, my hubby would love it, and ifit ever needs a new home I will be happy to find one for it!!!

  690. That was flippin fantastic. I’m so doing this the next time the husband says he needs more fishing tackle. Oh, you bought fishing tackle? I bought a 5ft tall metal chicken. Call it even.

    Andrea recently posted FML- SMH- IRLwhatever!.

  691. OMG!!!! Hilarious!! I’ve added your blog to the list I follow now.

    I do have a question, since hubby and I will be celebrating in August…..if 15 years is a five foot metal chicken, what is 30? TWO??????

  692. Yeah! Finally made it to the end!! :D
    Been reading this all day (well, afternoon) and did nothing else, yet…
    …AS I COULD NOT STOP LAUGHING!
    Tears running down my face, jaws aching and belly hurting! And the comments! Even some of the neg. comments could not stop me from falling of the sofa.
    My Doggy is looking at me time and time again, wondering what the hell I’m doing, but it was all worth it. When MOH comes home in a bit, he will wonder why my eyes look so red…
    You. Are. So. Very. WONDERFUL!!!
    Thank you so very much for being who you are and having the graciousness to share your humor with us, sometimes it is all that lightens my day.
    “Knock, knock, motherfucker” WHAAAAAAHAAAHAAAAHAAAHAAAAA
    …Gotta go now….. hooohooooohoooooo *snort*

    T recently posted My Out of Control Hormones are making me.

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