Hello. It’s me.

thebloggess

9 years ago

When I was in Arizona a few months ago I saw several things that I forgot to write about because I lost my journal. But I just found it so here goes:

The first was this cactus, which seems to be wanting to escape. It’s as if it was being a normal cactus and then suddenly said “Nope. Fuck this bullshit. I’M OUT” and then started burrowing into the ground. It’s comforting to know even cactuses want to go into hiding every once in a while.

It’s like the cactus on the right is all “WHO WANTS TO SEE MY BOOBIES?” and the one on the left is like, “Jesus, Miriam. Not again.” And Miriam is like “YOU DON’T OWN ME, KEVIN. YOU HAD A CHANCE WITH THESE BOOBIES AND YOU BLEW IT” and Kevin is all “We’re getting a divorce.”

I also had an issue with mild paranoia because I felt like I was being watched and it turns out that I was being watched. By this cactus.

And I was also being watched by a wild animal. I live-tweeted it because I didn’t know what it was and twitter is like accessing the hive-mind. Click here if you can’t see the video below:

First I thought it was a snake & then I thought it was a turtle who lost his shell & then I thought I shouldn’t be allowed to wander the desert unsupervised.

A video posted by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Apr 30, 2015 at 3:32pm PDT

Several people suggested it was an iguana but I explained that it was too fat to be an iguana and that I couldn’t properly capture how big it was. Like, if it was a wallet I’d say, “This wallet’s too big.”

Apparently was the missing descriptor because then several people told me that the not-a-wallet was a chuckwalla, which I’d never heard of before in my life, but turns out it’s a lizard whose secret power is running so fast that it faints and also blowing itself up so fat that it becomes unable to be pulled out of crevices. And I was like, defensively fat and fainty? I’ve found my Patronus.

This is a real thing. It’s the size of a deflated football.

I made this last night when I was too sick to sleep:

It’s weird that this graphic didn’t exist until I made it.

There needs to be a better ending to this but Hailey and I are sick and going to the doctor so just give me the benefit of the doubt and pretend I said something hilarious. Or yell at me and I will get fat and faint on you. Choose wisely.

UPDATED: Hailey and I have upper-respiratory ridiculousness so we’re on steroids and sleeping-on-the-couch therapy. Someone send soup and give us good suggestions for what to watch on Netflix.