Hello. It’s me.

When I was in Arizona a few months ago I saw several things that I forgot to write about because I lost my journal.  But I just found it so here goes:

The first was this cactus, which seems to be wanting to escape.  It’s as if it was being a normal cactus and then suddenly said “Nope.  Fuck this bullshit.  I’M OUT” and then started burrowing into the ground.  It’s comforting to know even cactuses want to go into hiding every once in a while.

It's like the cactus on the left is all "WHERE IS THE BOOZE" and the one on the left is like, "Jesus, Miriam.  Not again."
It’s like the cactus on the right is all “WHO WANTS TO SEE MY BOOBIES?” and the one on the left is like, “Jesus, Miriam. Not again.” And Miriam is like “YOU DON’T OWN ME, KEVIN.  YOU HAD A CHANCE WITH THESE BOOBIES AND YOU BLEW IT” and Kevin is all “We’re getting a divorce.”

I also had an issue with mild paranoia because I felt like I was being watched and it turns out that I was being watched.  By this cactus.

This cactus is very judgey.

And I was also being watched by a wild animal.  I live-tweeted it because I didn’t know what it was and twitter is like accessing the hive-mind.  Click here if you can’t see the video below:

Several people suggested it was an iguana but I explained that it was too fat to be an iguana and that I couldn’t properly capture how big it was.  Like, if it was a wallet I’d say, “This wallet’s too big.”

Apparently was the missing descriptor because then several people told me that the not-a-wallet was a chuckwalla, which I’d never heard of before in my life, but turns out it’s a lizard whose secret power is running so fast that it faints and also blowing itself up so fat that it becomes unable to be pulled out of crevices.  And I was like, defensively fat and fainty?  I’ve found my Patronus.

This is a real thing.  It's the size of a deflated football.
This is a real thing. It’s the size of a deflated football.

I made this last night when I was too sick to sleep:

It's weird that this graphic didn't exist until I made it.
It’s weird that this graphic didn’t exist until I made it.

There needs to be a better ending to this but Hailey and I are sick and going to the doctor so just give me the benefit of the doubt and pretend I said something hilarious.  Or yell at me and I will get fat and faint on you.  Choose wisely.

UPDATED:  Hailey and I have upper-respiratory ridiculousness so we’re on steroids and sleeping-on-the-couch therapy.  Someone send soup and give us good suggestions for what to watch on Netflix.

186 thoughts on “Hello. It’s me.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. You so should not wander the desert alone and/or unsupervised;I learned something new today thanks to you; you and Hailey feel better soon.

    And your captions are hilarious; trademark that graphic!

  2. “I will get fat and faint on you.” <= my new retort to all people who are assholes to me and also now my new favorite aspirational superpower. getting fat and fainting on people >>> flying, because we have planes for that.

    I hope you and Hailey feel better soon!

  3. Some of the responses to the fat and fainty lizard video are awesomely funny – the one I liked best was – Jenny’s new mantle piece, but your graphic would probably look nicer.

  4. You’re sick and still are able to pull off a funny as shit post. Kudos, Bloggess, you are the blogging master. Hope you and Hailey get better soon!

  5. That Shrek balloon… Do. Not. Want.
    Like the monitors swimming in Asian sewers.
    No. That’s not how sewers work.

  6. THAT CACTUS IS SPOOKY! its like it threw it’s arms ups to scare you. That is a Tim Burton Cacti

  7. Get well soon, both of you. If you are ever riding your motorcycle in the desert, don’t forget to pee when you get the chance; it’s miserable needing to pee but not wanting to get left behind…

  8. OMG. “Gets fat; faints defensively” would be the best subheader on a resume ever. I really want to update my linkedin now.

  9. If that’s what a patronus is, then mine is the hog-nose snake. When I’m threatened, I flop on my back, pretend I’m dead and piss myself.

  10. Yeah, the judgey-cactus might be staring at you but HE needs to take a good look in the mirror because his teeth are pretty ugly. Like really ugly. There– how does THAT feel judgey-cactus? Also, I would have been nervous taking a video clip of the unknown wallet-animal. The whole time I would be thinking, “That thing is going to jump out of that crevice and attach itself to my face. I just know it.” I’m so glad that didn’t happen to you. But if it had, hello, awesome blog post. Either way it’s all good.

  11. When we moved to Florida I had to mow a sandy patch of lawn, and when I did one day this creature poked its head out of the ground. It looked like a combination of the Alien monster and Jiminy Cricket. I found out later that it was a mole cricket, and that it and its friends were eating the grass starting with the roots. Strange world….A few weeks later I almost walked face first into a banana spider that was as wide around as my palm. It had strung its web across my driveway. I nearly dropped the trash I was hauling to the curb. “Welcome to Florida,” I thought.

  12. I can’t stop laughing:). Perfect patronus for sooo many of us. I’m thinking of combining and axolotl and an aye aye (see here: http://divaboo.info/) b/c they represent my happy and let’s just say less than happy sides:). A hybrid Patronus, of sorts.

  13. Patronus or spirit animal, the chuckwalla is awesome!! and that cactus is seriously creepy. Feel better soon, both of you!!!

  14. I went to high school with Chuck Walla. Nice guy, quiet, kept to himself, mostly.

  15. I’m very happy to see that your patronus line resonated with many people. As for Netflix. The first thing I ever binged on was Fringe. I also loved Warehouse 13.

  16. I love that my pet cactus shows the history of my neglect. Other plants just die, but that one holds on deliberately to say “SEE! LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME! OH, THE SUFFERING!”

  17. On my honeymoon, we came across a saguaro cactus with 2 arms, 2 legs, and….umm…he looked VERY well endowed if you catch my drift. We still have a photo of it somewhere. MY husband said, this is one reason why I love you….you take photos of kinky cacti.Little did he know I’m not right in the head….really, my literary hero (that’s you, Jenny/Bloggess) I think our minds were separated at birth.

  18. So my Facebook feed showed your caption “I’ve found my patronus” with a big picture of a cactus and I was thinking Jenny, you’re doing it wrong. A patronus has to chase down the dementors, not just sit there and wait for them to impale themselves on it…

  19. Netflix suggestion: THE SECRET OF ROAN INISH. John Sayles movie, beautifully done.I can’t believe it took 22 years before I watched it.

  20. I live in Arizona where we have many a saguaro and you my friend have found the best one out there. He looks completely disappointed and a bit horrified. I wish he lived in my backyard.

  21. And that’s why I love living in Arizona: nowhere else can you get judgy [come on, spellcheck, that totally is a word] cacti and inflatable lizards all in one place. And that’s just the beginning of the weird. I have baby gila monsters living in my garage. They are adorable and poisonous and bitey [also a word] and fearless, and I found out that if one bites you it will latch on and then you have to go to the hospital to get it removed but the hospital can’t give you any pain meds because the meds might make the gila monster sick. How awesome is that?? Side note: I now wear boots to enter my garage.

    I can’t send soup because I’m a crappy cook and it would make you worse. I’m not even sure I should give you Netflix recommendations, since I have very odd taste. Although I do highly recommend my particular cure for any sort of illness: equal parts Doctor Who, Neil Gaiman (reading is good when your eyes get tired of TV), and lemon tea with whisky in it. No whisky tea for Hailey, even though my parents let me drink it when I was a kid. Come to think of it, that explains so much.

    Feel better.

  22. I think you already know what to watch. I mean you just used the word patronus . Harry Potter 3. Because you can never watch HP enough.

  23. MASH because I love the story, the humor and the humanity – as far as your patronus, it’s a pretty darn cool one…feel better and be glad that you are recording every fever induced moment to reexamine and laugh at later! (I’m not sure what is going on with the first cactus one, but I don’t really know that I’ve seen a lot of cactus in real life, so I can’t seem to figure out what all is going on in the photo! I laughed a lot though, so thank you!)

  24. Unbreakable Kimmy, Miss Fisher’s mysteries, Parks and Recreation, Rosemary and thyme, The IT crowd.

  25. I second The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt on Netflix. And there was also a horror movie I watched that wasn’t horrific called something like The Big Ass Spider. Kid you not. And it was actually really, REALLY good. Totally self aware script writing, pretty darn humorous, bad special effects – there is nothing to not like. Though that doesn’t explain why my husband won’t watch it. (He’s sadly not well endowed in “let’s choose a scifi/scary movie that’s so bad it’s funny category. Sharknado? Over his head. But I still love him. )

  26. Oh noes! Feel better soon, ladies. Family friendly and Netflixable? I highly recommend The Extraordinary Adventures of Adèle Blanc-Sec. Sublimely described as a brilliant, sexy adventurer named Adèle Blanc-Sec has discovered a dinosaur egg – and now a pterodactyl threatens steampunk Paris!

  27. I have the same problem with patronuses (patroni?) that I have with furries. Everybody always claims that their spirit animal is a wolf or a jaguar or a fox or some other sexy, majestic animal. Nobody is ever like, “I have the spirit of a naked mole rat or a blobfish or a one-legged stork.” That’s just not real life, people. As for me, I’m firmly content with the fact that my patronus/spirit-animal-if-I-were-inclined-to-be-a-furry is probably a mosquito. I suck the life out of all those around me, and I enjoy every single sip.

  28. Hector’s search for happiness is a wonderful funny film – enjoy on Netflix.

  29. Oh, and as for mandatory TV watching, obviously the answer is The Wire. You can never get yourself too much of Mr. Omar Little. On second thought, you have your kid. Um… maybe they have a PG version of this inner city story somewhere?

  30. Hawaii Five-0 seasons one through four on Netflix. Because Alex O’Loughlin. And Carguments. If you haven’t seen H50 yet, you need to watch it just for the Carguments. It’s what it sounds like. Arguments in a car. With two gorgeous men. Who you swear should be married to each other. The first episode is a lot of blowing-uppy-type stuff but trust me it just gets better and better.

    Oh. And Hawaii. Must not forget the scenery.

    Upper respiratory stuff is my nemesis. Just got over it myself. Zithromax and Prednisone powers, unite!!!

  31. Ah! I am in possession of a kindred illness, I have pre-bronchitis respiratory inflammation. Or whatever this is. Hot tea & NCIS seem to be an excellent restorative. I hope you both feel better very very soon’

  32. We should take you to the desert more often. Have you visited our Death Valley? You probably have, because I know I haven’t. I do know, however, that nothing lives there except rocks that race each other on a racetrack. Well, probably a chuckwalla. And more than one peccary (Texans likely call them “javelinas,” because Spanish). OKgetbedderloveyoubye.

  33. I know you’ve already seen it, but who can resist watching Stardust again?

    Otherwise, I haven’t seen you mention it before…you should watch Avatar: The Last Airbender. It is AMAZING, for ALL ages 😀 You won’t regret it ^_~

  34. Feel better, you two!! I HIGHLY recommend “Grace & Frankie” on Netflix. I fell in love and have been mildly obsessed with it.

  35. Tig Notaro’s documentary currently streaming on Netflix. It’s good.
    Then August 22 on HBO she has another special, looking forward to that too. 🙂
    Hope you and Hailey feel better soon <3

  36. I’d like to hold a festival and call it “Chuckwalla”. It would be held somewhere nice and shady with real bathrooms because I would hold it all day to avoid using a porta potty. Everyone could bring their favorite beverage, premixed in a 2-gallon thermal jug like construction workers use, so we can stay hydrated. And, of course, there would be plenty of people there whose main job was to tell everyone how amazing they are, that color looks great on you, and I love what you’ve done with your hair.

    If you haven’t watched Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, turn it on right now and binge-watch the whole thing. You’ll instantly feel much, much better.

  37. I just ploughed through 4 seasons of Shameless. It’s a great way to make you feel like a good parent! Feel better soon 🙂

  38. Watch Kung Pow. So many quotable stupid lines, and if you’re too sick to take in actual words, there’s plenty of even more stupid sight gags. And product placement!

  39. You and Hailey should watch An Idiot Abroad with Ricky Gervais’ friend Karl Pilkington. It is on Netflix and so funny and interesting!

  40. Leverage, Gilmore Girls, That 70s Show, My Boys.

    Also, that is amazing that graphic didn’t exist before.

  41. @helleanorrigby… my Patronus is a Galapagos tortoise because I am large, a slow walker, and sometimes tempted to hide in a big-ass shell when the world seems awful.

    Jenny – I recommend Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries or Call the Midwife on Netflix.

  42. Cut Throat Kitchen is great if you like cooking shows. Alton Brown is hilarious. Teeth is a hilarious B Movie but not kid safe. Heathers is one of my favorites. Sharknado 1 and 2 is on there. Sharknado 3 is on SyFy Wednesday Night at 9 est.

  43. Hope you guys feel better soon! I don’t have nexflix but on Hulu there is a really sweet documentary about Tiny Houses. They also have 26 seasons of Survivor. I enjoyed re-watching some of my favorites. Oh, what about Modern Family and Blackish? Those are both fun shows.

  44. I’m sorry you two are sick. I suggest watching The League Of Gentlemen (British comedy). Hilarious, but probably not suitable for your daughter until she’s a few years older.

  45. I always watch Spaced or Leverage when I’m feeling sick

    get well soon

  46. Netflix recommendations are not PG13 or younger, but just for yourself Grace and Frankie, and Sense8. Have Victor go pick you up some good chicken pho, extra ginger. Works wonders. Love you, sweetie. Take care.

  47. Take care, girls. I don’t know what you should watch on Netflix, but don’t forget Sharknado 3 tomorrow night on Syfy!

  48. When Dan and I were in Arizona, we saw what we thought was a rattlesnake’s shed skin. It turned out to be a duct tape’s shed skin. I’m embarrassed at how long it took us to figure that out.

  49. Someone call Soup Peddler to get them some soup!! (I love their Tomato basil soup and grilled cheese sandwich!)


  50. You need mindless entertainment….I vote for an “Absolutely Fabulous” marathon (though I don’t know if it’s even available on Netflix)…nothing more mindless and entertaining than than. 😉 Sending healing vibes out to the cosmos for you and Haley!

  51. The Last Unicorn is on Netflix. That seems like a good movie for you both to watch together.

  52. Binge-watching the entire first season of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt might be better than chicken soup! 🙂

  53. I’ve lived in Arizona for 12 years, and I never see weird stuff. It’s always visitors on like their first day. I’m jealous of your chuckwalla.

  54. Get well soon, you two! Try That 70’s Show on Netflix. Just started it and it’s hilarious. 90’s Topher Grace is ❤

  55. The bletchley circle… women who were decoders during WWII work together to solve the case of a serial killer while also fighting sexism by their husbands and police. Creepy, smart, and I happen to love everything from WWII era with an english accent.

  56. Another thought occurred to me, “fat and fainty”… what if farty was also part of those superpowers?! Fat, fainty and farty! You blow up, pass out and pass gas! You might even be self propelled!
    I should probably stop talking as I am just embarrassing myself.
    This is why I stay home a lot.


  57. Chuckwallas will eat your flowers right in front of you because they know you won’t stop them. They’ll walk along your wall and just eat the blossoms, going all “ha, screw you, you’re just sitting there and staring at me, you won’t stop me!”

    This happened to my sister-in-law in her garden.

    Can’t beat Arizona flora and fauna. We have to have something to make up for the crazies.

  58. Hope you and Hailey feel better soon. Not sure if it’s to your taste, but I am watching a British whodunit series called Rosemary & Thyme on Netflix right now. (Well, I’ll be watching again after Sharknado 3 airs tomorrow.)

  59. You must watch Unbreakable. Period. Kimmy Schmidt is amazing. And you know there is the whole living in a cult underground thing…

  60. I recommend The New Girl on Netflix. Zooey Deschanel is adorable and quirky and slightly socially awkward.
    Feel better soon.

  61. Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries on Netflix are AWESOME. Feminist, great clothing, and intrigue without too much gore.

  62. Fat & fainty. That’s my DJ name. Netflix: you have to watch Tig. Loved it so much. Grace & Frankie, like everyone is saying. I just started watching Rake so the jury is still out. I watched An Honest Liar because you recommended it. I think I’m s few years behind you. I just discovered Firefly & Serenity last weekend so my heart is freshly broken. If you have Amazon you just have to watch Vicious. Feel better, you two.

  63. Wish I were close enough to deliver soup. Instead I’m sending healing thoughts. As for Netflix, check out The IT Crowd. British tech humor.

  64. IT Crowd, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Magic School Bus, Bill Nye. If you have Amazon Prime you should totally watch Sabrina the Teenage Witch cause it was awesome and totally underrated. I’m fighting the same stuff you are and I’m watching NCIS right now. Feel better.

  65. OK, people suggesting comedies are obviously trying to kill you–do not fall for it. Laughing when you have respiratory crap going on is no joke. When in doubt, rewatch Doctor Who, that’s always my plan.

    When you’re better, though, totally watch The IT Crowd. It’s awesome.

  66. Does Netflix have ‘Spirited Away’? That is an awesome movie for mother and daughter bonding time. Also ‘Howl’s Moving Castle’ and ‘Kiki’s Delivery Service’

  67. Have you seen “Troll Hunter” yet? Any of the “Jane Eyre” movies are great, too. (Even though they take liberties with the real story.)

  68. I love that this is just how you go through life thinking about stuff. It’s magical. And so hilarious. Feel better, you both.

  69. Antarctica, a year on the ice(I believe its called on Netflix) is very entertaining and cool for adults and kids.

  70. Make sure you rest a lot and keep from deciding you’re magically better which leads you to doing stuff and then getting pneumonia. Because that just happened to me last month.

    Anyway, Jenny, I had thought that we’d make good travel companions (based on nothing whatsoever) but after watching your chuckwalla video, I’m not so sure. I was yelling at you from my computer, “Stop moving, Jenny! JENNY! Just…no! Not like that. I can’t see it! Ugh, just…here, let me” and then you were like, “Back off, bitch. This is MY Instagram and then my blog and I’m doing the best I can, here, with this weird alien creature. It’s probably contaminated and I’m saving your life by keeping you back.” Then I called my brother on the phone and demanded he get down here and catch this thing with his bare hands so we could examine it and he was all angry because he was busy and he’s sick of me calling me to do my dirty work all the time.
    I now realize it’s for the best that we don’t travel together, you and I…or, actually, even know each other because, man, we’re argumentative.

  71. If you haven’t already watched them, Agents of SHIELD and Agent Carterare both fun to watch!

  72. Netflix suggestion = Supernatural. Start with Season 1 for hot boys hunting monsters, with lots and lots of feels thrown in for good measure.

  73. Have you seen Tucker and Dale vs Evil? If so, then it’s always worth a re-watch. If not, what are you waiting for??!!! Alan Tudyk is hilarious! Also, I’ve seen other comments recommending The IT Crowd. Yes!
    Also, hope you both feel better soon.

  74. Can you get Dead Like Me on Netflix? Only around for two seasons, so you can binge watch without losing touch with the world. Funny and quirky and sad and touching and true and funny and thought provoking and bittersweet and weird and funny. Superb acting from a superb cast. Extremely well written and well made. Substantially family friendly with the potential to pave the way for some good mom/kiddo girl-talk. Episode five from season one is my absolute favorite—if you only watch one, make it that one.

    So, so sorry to hear the two of you are unwell. Thank goodness Victor can bring you cool compresses and kiss each of your fevered brows (because he’s still well and will rise to the occasion—right Victor?). I shall take this opportunity to publicly whine. I, myself, have been feeling under the weather. S o o o t i r e d d d. Did NOT expect the validation of Epstein Barr titres of 628 and 399 that are each supposed to be under 18. Goody.

    So, for the two of you, gallons of hot tea with milk and honey, hot honey and lemon (and a slugga somethin in yours) (and my recent favorite to quell a cough, Ouzo, neat), and for all of us, soft, soft pjs, lots of throw blankets, and unscheduled naps wherever and whenever we happen to doze off.

    Sorry about the length of this comment. I had more to say than I thought I did. Sending hugs.

  75. LABYRINTH. David Bowie in tights, with puppets puppets. Cool ones. Also, the Bog of Eternal Stench, which makes farting noises, and a teenage heroine. You can’t really go wrong with a mother-daughter experience like that.

  76. Hope you’re feeling well soon. Netflix: The Wrong Mans, Lost in Austen, Broadchurch

  77. Hilarious! You should watch the spectaculars. Its with Robin Williams and it’s a great sitcom. They only have one season on Netflix and that may be the only one. But he was his usual funny self. Be sure to watch all the way through to the credits so that you can see the spoofs! Guaranteed to make you feel better! Get well soon.

  78. You need mint chocolate chip ice cream (the green kind) and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Repeat until feeling alive again. Trust me on this.

  79. You need mint chocolate chip ice cream (the green kind) and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Repeat until feeling alive again.

  80. Hope you guys feel better soon! Until you do:

    Agents of Shield
    Once Upon a Time
    Hart of Dixie
    Gilmore Girls
    All the Dr Who! (probably reruns for you but obviously still must be included)

  81. The first cactus is probably broken on that stalk, so it fell over but kept growing. They are oddly fragile. Crunchy on the outside, but all squishy inside that thin hard shell. Like good french fries. Anyway, so an animal or something hits it, it breaks, bends and then just grows funky depending on where it bent.
    As for the judgy saguaro, if it helps it’s at least like 100 yrs old. And the eye holes look like cactus wren nesting holes. So it’s a grumpy old home for birds cactus. Like if Hagrid was a saguaro? Wow, I’m all about the metaphors today….

  82. Watch the cirque du Soleil movie Works Away on Netflix! It stitches together footage from a bunch of their shows and is beautiful and magical

  83. Totally agree re: Gilmore Girls — perfect comfort food when you feel crappy — and also Orphan Black, which is mind-blowingly awesome and twisty. I started watching this with my own daughter, and we are OBSESSED.

    Feel better, sweet girls!

  84. The judgey cactus isn’t really judgey. It’s waving to you. It’s just very reserved. And tired, because standing out in the desert all day can be exhausting. You’ve got other cacti screaming out their boobies and lizards getting fat and fainting all over the place.

    Feel better soon. If I could I’d send hot and sour soup from this great Chinese restaurant I found. You can tell it’s great because they don’t have furniture. I think their menu has “Get your food and get the fuck out” printed on it.

  85. For tv shows, I highly recommend the awesomeness of French and Saunders. Their specials are fabulous, but I also love the tv shows that feature these two awesome ladies: Absolutely Fabulous, The Vicar of Dibley, and Clatterford. Laughter is the best medicine!

  86. Feel better soon!

    May I suggest Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries on Netflix? Super awesome female sleuth in 1928 Melbourne Australia, with kickass clothes, amazing car, golden gun, and the ability to do whatever the heck she wants to. Ep 1 is pretty darn good, and Ep 2 is where I got hooked. 🙂

  87. Watch The Almighty Johnsons. Nordic Gods living as humans in New Zealand.

  88. For your binge watching pleasure, I recommend: Bob’s Burgers, & Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. After Haily guess to bed, I’d watch Orange is the New Black and Absolutely Fabulous. Feel better!

  89. I’d agree with everyone else on Kimmy Schmidt. I’d also second Avatar: The Last Airbender (and The Legend of Korra, while you’re at it). Genuinely funny and thoughtful; ostensibly a kids show but some really excellent writing and well developed characters. (i.e everything the live action version was not).

    I’ve been binge watching Orange is the New Black on Netflix…but as others have said, might be a bit risqué for Hailey.

  90. From my own experience, sounds like Hailey brought home “camp Plauge”, thats what us counselors call it. I am just recovering from the strain i obtained.

  91. Hope you both feel better soon. Definitely recommend Sens8 on Netflix, but rated R. Not really Haley appropriate (but my 20 y/o daughter and I loved it).

  92. The lizard is the size of a deflated football? So it’s Binomial name must be Tomus Bradius.

  93. Not sure about availability on Netflix, but The Thief and the Cobbler is a great cartoon. And The Book of Kells, also a great cartoon. Feel better!

  94. I one-hundredth recommend Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. You’ll laugh out loud, cringe sometimes and maybe pee yourself just a tiny bit.

  95. If you’re still looking for binge watching ideas…get thee over to rifftraxlive.com! Bad movies, made funny. I’d recommend staying with their Sharknado work.

  96. Ummm, starting with, not staying with. I mean, come on autocorrect, no one wants to stay in a Sharknado!

  97. I highly recommend SAVING GRACE with Holly Hunter, if it’s on Netflix. About a cynical cop in Oklahoma and her “last chance” angel. Might not be daughter-suitable tho.

  98. Now that I think about it, watch Kung Pow on your own. You can see highlights for free on YouTube. They took an old, bad kung fu movie, cut in their own actor as the “chosen one,” and dubbed in all new lines. Hilarious.

  99. Watch Lilyhammer. It is so funny, but it might be inappropriate for Hailey due to swear words. If you mind those, I don’t.

  100. I would tell you guys to watch the 1967 Dragnet for Jack Webb goodness, but those boogers on Netflix took it off, because apparently we can’t have nice things.

  101. Ah! You were in Arizona and didn’t come to see me? I would take you to the Arizona Sonora Desert Museum here in Tucson where you could see all sorts of cool stuff. Maybe next time when it is cooler. Even our CA daughter won’t visit in the summer.

  102. remarkably, i don’t see judgey in that cactus. he looks terrified of judgement, himself. or perhaps camera shy, but can’t move, so he’s doing his best to not look terrified as he understands he has no choice but to be photographed? what an innocent boogeyman…who is just like edward scissorhands. awww. tots wanna hug that spindly succulent southern thing.

  103. I really think you and Hailey would like Wizards vs Aliens. It’s written by Russel T Davies, and is good like his early Doctor Who stuff. Definitely a kids show that is enjoyable for adults!

  104. Orphan Black. The women who plays 5 different characters is incredibly awesome. Feel better.

  105. They’ve got chuckwallas at the Science Center here in LA – I always want to call them chumbawumbas =)

  106. Watch Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries! She’s smart, sassy, and glamorous.

  107. ((Reading you for a bit now but only just commenting now…))
    Whaaat, the judgey-cactus-face gave me the chills. Eeep!
    Perfect Netflix rec for you + Hailey: Pushing Daisies! And add a variety of delicious pies to your soup request as well. 🙂

  108. My mother and I always watch Dead Like Me and Pushing Daisies on chick day. They’re morbidly comedies and we reference them all the time! I’m pretty sure they’re both on Netflix…

  109. I took a desert survival thing and learned more than enough about chuckwallas. When you are stranded in the desert and running out of water you are supposed to grab them by the tails which will fall off and consume them for the water content. Yeah, not going to happen. Ever.

  110. Well, when I was Hailey’s age, I watched Doris Day/Rock Hudson flicks with my mother. Great memories.

    My tip for upper respiratory gunk: don’t eat or drink any dairy. It causes mucus.

  111. BoJack Horseman. Amazing, and season two was just released. Maybe not the best to watch with your kidlet. I’ll let you make that call.

  112. My Whole Family just had that upper-respiratory thing! Take care. It is evil. I wish I’d had a chuckwalla to see me through it.

  113. Megan P. | July 21, 2015 at 11:36 pm at 117— YES YES YES! My husband still says Labyrinth still has THE BEST message for girls, “You have no power over me.” (Our baby girl is now 33.)

  114. It’s not on Netflix, but Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee with Jerry Seinfeld on crackle.com is quite wonderful, especially the episode with Alec Baldwin. Netflix: Departures is a great travel show, Rehab Addict for a DIY show, Danger Mouse for a throwback cartoon, and Turn:Washington’s Spies for some suspense. Get well soon!

  115. The sicker you are – the better Gilmore Girls becomes. Had a doozy of a respiratory infection in March, watched all seven seasons in 18 days. I’m pretty sure that is world record pace. Turns out it is pretty good when you are not sick too – – –

  116. The inner lives of cacti. I don’t know what to tell you to watch. My viewing choices can’t be trusted as I watched not only Sharknado 2: The Second One and Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! last night. Movie walk of shame.

  117. The envelope of soup
    Lovingly stamped, yet seeping
    Slowly shrinks
    Like a deflating fat patronus

  118. Just saw the Eugene Mirman comedy special on Netflix and it was hilarious. Among other things he does the voice of Gene on Bob’s Burgers (also good but I can’t imagine you haven’t seen that yet).

  119. LOL – when I saw your “judgy cactus” picture, the phrase immediately popped into my head, “He’s all up in arms” and I laughed actually out loud by myself in the living room and got a weird look from my dog.

    You write the way the voice in my head sounds, so I should always read your blog first thing in the mornings… 😀

    Hope you guys get better soon! I rarely watch Netflix but if I were forced today, I’d probably go with Back to the Future or Frasier, or Big Bang Theory, except they won’t put that dang show on Netflix. Just- why.

  120. If you want to see more animals you’ve never seen before, come to the Houston Zoo and I’ll give you a tour. (nice rhyming, huh?)

  121. I would suggest farscape, but not sure if you are ready for Hailey to see it. But maybe the great 80s kid movies, Flight of the Navigator, The Goonies, Labryinth, The Dark Crystal. You know, sci fi and puppets and fun.

    Get Well Soon!

  122. You should watch the movie Frank on Netflix because it was weird, and it’s one of those movies where at the end I’m not sure if I liked it, but I didn’t hate it. I’m just not sure what to make of it. Maybe you could watch it, and tell me what you think.

  123. Watch Nature’s Weirdest Events. You will love it. And it’s safe for Hailey. I put it on the other day while folding laundry and it was so cool my kid gave up playing to watch, then requested another episode the next day.

    Feel better!

  124. Supernatural. Even if you’ve seen them all, start over.

  125. If it hasn’t already been said, watch The Almighty Johnsons on Netflix. If you can get past the New Zealand accents, it is a very entertaining funny show, and possibly right up your alley. Can be a bit nudie and potty mouth at times, so don’t watch with kids around.

    Get well soon!!

  126. Not enough RAID in the world for me to get that close to that chuckwalla.

    I hope you and Hailey will be feeling better STAT. That is a direct medical order Jenny.

    I have been in a depressive slump and have been watching three hours a day of Four Weddings on TLC.

  127. Alice. It is on netflix. it’s a weird Russian 80’s movie about Alice In Wonderland but with taxidermied animals. It’s creepy as hell, and lovable at the same time.

  128. My beby’s name is Miriam. You don’t hear it often babies or cacti. I’ve always wondered what your patronus was too.

  129. Watch “The History of Future Folk” Sci-Fi + Hipster + Bluegrass!

  130. Binge-watching the entire first season of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt might be better than chicken soup! 🙂

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