I just ran all over my house trying to find my phone because I could hear it ringing, but no matter which room I ran into it sounded like it was right in the next room and I started to suspect that Victor had my phone and was running around with it just to fuck with me. Then the phone stopped ringing so I asked Victor to call me so I could find it but it still sounded muffled like it was hidden under something big so I was lifting piles of books and looking under cats and then I noticed that Dorothy Barker was following me around and I was like “DID YOU EAT MY PHONE, DOG?” and she looked at me like this:
And Victor said, “The dog is smaller than your phone. What is wrong with you?” and I was like “I’M BEING HAUNTED BY MY OWN PHONE. THAT’S WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME” and then Victor sighed and got up to help and started picking up all the shit on my desk because it sounded close and then I bent over to look under my desk and it got louder and louder but nothing was there but the rug, so I pulled back the rug and slowly put my head down on the floorboards and I was all, “Uh. I think it’s coming from under the house” and Victor shook his head at me and I may have screamed, “MY PHONE IS THE TALE-TELL HEART. HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE?” and Victor was like, “It’s not possible” and I yelled: “TELL THAT TO MY UNDERGROUND PHONE, VICTOR” and that’s when I felt this buzzing on my leg and I thought it was a bee and I thought to myself, ‘First I lose my phone and now bees? Is this a plague?’ Then I slapped at my leg to stun the bee and that’s when I realized that my phone was in my dress pocket and had been following me around while I looked for it, and when I pulled it out Victor was like “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?” and no – no, I was not. But then I was like, “Well at least it wasn’t bees, Victor” which probably would have made more sense had I explained that I was on the floor punching myself in the leg because I’d thought there were bees in my dress. Or maybe not. It’s hard to tell with Victor.
And that’s pretty much how my whole week has been.