What the shit, me?

I just ran all over my house trying to find my phone because I could hear it ringing, but no matter which room I ran into it sounded like it was right in the next room and I started to suspect that Victor had my phone and was running around with it just to fuck with me.  Then the phone stopped ringing so I asked Victor to call me so I could find it but it still sounded muffled like it was hidden under something big so I was lifting piles of books and looking under cats and then I noticed that Dorothy Barker was following me around and I was like “DID YOU EAT MY PHONE, DOG?” and she looked at me like this:

I'm judging you. And I eat my own poop, so...yeah.
I’m judging you. And I eat my own poop, so…yeah.

And Victor said, “The dog is smaller than your phone.  What is wrong with you?” and I was like “I’M BEING HAUNTED BY MY OWN PHONE.  THAT’S WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME” and then Victor sighed and got up to help and started picking up all the shit on my desk because it sounded close and then I bent over to look under my desk and it got louder and louder but nothing was there but the rug, so I pulled back the rug and slowly put my head down on the floorboards and I was all, “Uh.  I think it’s coming from under the house” and Victor shook his head at me and I may have screamed, “MY PHONE IS THE TALE-TELL HEART.  HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE?” and Victor was like, “It’s not possible” and I yelled: “TELL THAT TO MY UNDERGROUND PHONE, VICTOR” and that’s when I felt this buzzing on my leg and I thought it was a bee and I thought to myself, ‘First I lose my phone and now bees?  Is this a plague?’ Then I slapped at my leg to stun the bee and that’s when I realized that my phone was in my dress pocket and had been following me around while I looked for it, and when I pulled it out Victor was like “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?” and no – no, I was not.  But then I was like, “Well at least it wasn’t bees, Victor” which probably would have made more sense had I explained that I was on the floor punching myself in the leg because I’d thought there were bees in my dress.  Or maybe not.  It’s hard to tell with Victor.

And that’s pretty much how my whole week has been.

194 thoughts on “What the shit, me?

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Whenever I need my sunglasses or reading glasses, I have learned that the first thing I have to do is hit myself on the head. Because there is nothing more foolish than someone running around looking for their glasses, while their glasses are running around with them and staring at the ceiling.

  2. I really should not read your stuff at work, sitting at my desk , you can hear a pin drop until I start cracking up laughing and can’t stop, and now everyone is looking at me and asking me why I am laughing but I can’t quit- so I just say Bee’s. Can I please come work for you when I get fired?

  3. Once, I searched for my lost caterpillar all day, until I found it under my shirt, under my all-day scratching fingers and it was crawling IN ONE PIECE up the skin of my chest. I totally get it.

  4. Same thing happened to me, only it was in my jeans pocket, under the warm jacket I was wearing. I’m thinking you and I are very much alike (except you’re a whole lot funnier than I am!)

  5. My favorite is when I’m talking on my phone, and trying to leave the house, but I can’t leave until I find my phone.

  6. you make my day! I’ve done something similar but quite so bad. mostly i lose my glasses & I don’t remember taking them off. Of course tere was the one time I hadn’t actually taken them off….

  7. I had a roommate who fell asleep with his phone in his pocket. In the middle of the night something started crawling up his leg causing him to jump up, punching his leg and trying to figure out what was attacking him. His is now the second best phone story I ever heard. 🙂

  8. I really should not read your stuff at work, sitting at my desk , you can hear a pin drop until I start cracking up laughing and can’t stop, and now everyone is looking at me and asking me why I am laughing but I can’t quit- so I just say Bee’s. Can I please come work for you when I get fired?

  9. Jeff has watched me walk all over the house looking for my glasses (I will never learn to locate my glasses BEFORE taking out my contacts)…has even helped me look for them…and then we both realize they are on top of my head.

  10. I actually once looked in my purse for my phone (leaving on a trip, making sure I had it before heading from car to airport terminal) WHILE I WAS TALKING ON IT.

  11. Bwahaha! I used to haul fuel and we were required to wear a Nomax cover-all (this is a fire proof coverall in case we happened to set ourselves on fire during the course of our daily chores). It had pockets, but it also had slits just above the pockets so the wearer could reach the pockets of their pants or whatever undergarment they were wearing. So, one day I loaded gas at Exxon’s distribution center in Toronto and proceed to the terminal building to print out my paper work. That done, I placed the paperwork in my pocket and went out to my truck to finish up my trip report. In the process I needed the bill of lading numbers off my load sheets,so I reached into my pocket and the paperwork was gone. I spent 15 minutes searching my truck and the parking lot and the terminal area with no luck – the paperwork was gone. I had to contact Exxon’s TOC (Terminal Operations Center) and ask for a reprint of my bills. This was considered an unprofessional walk of shame as TOC distributed a “incident” log monthly that included any and all reprints of BOL’s presumably to indicate document sloppiness or carelessness on the part of the drivers. They had a safety paradigm called The Pyramid that stated that numerous small infractions eventually lead to a major incident – and they included paperwork handling in this paradigm. Which meant that each call for paperwork help, resulted in an increased suspicion of a major incident. Too many and your services were no longer required.

    Anyway, shame aside, I was delivering my load within a 15 minute drive, so I just left on the coveralls and continued with my day. After a 12 hour shift, I finished my day and when I took off my coveralls, the paperwork fell out of the leg. Apparently, instead of placing the paperwork in the pocket, I had placed it in the slit above the pocket – which lead to the space between my pants and the coverall leg. I had walked around all day looking for the paperwork that was in the leg of my coveralls walking with me.

    Your phone story brought back memories Jenny. Ha!

  12. I have done this. Only it’s usually the back pocket of my jeans, and I spin all around trying to figure out where I set it down. I’m glad I’m not alone in this!

  13. I had something similar happen to me. I had gone to get a glass of ice-water in the breakroom at work and because I didn’t have any pockets for my phone (thanks asshole clothing designers!) I tucked my phone into my cleavage. As I was filling my glass with water, I heard a voice saying “Hello? Hello” from my boobs. I had forgotten that the phone was in my bra and instead it seemed like my breasts had gained sentience. Turns out I had boob-dialed someone. So that was awkward. I also boob-texted someone once. But that’s another story…

  14. Been there, done that! But thanks for the giggle in this very long, tedious work day! And thank you so very much for the reference to the Tell-Tale Heart.

  15. I spent 20 mins looking for my phone the other day. I was talking on it. That’s why I couldn’t find it.

  16. I’ll admit that I have been late(r) more than once while looking for my phone while talking on it to apologize for being late to whoever I was meeting. I think I need one of those giant cell phones with a bag from the 80’s.

  17. My mom once did that with my sister when we were little. She was searching around the ice cream shop frantically yelling for her. Until i reminded her that she was holding her. At least your phone was hiding from you in your pocket rather than in your hand. #silverlining

  18. I too, comment 8 Laurie thought Dorothy Barker was laying on it. That look she gave The Bloggess was perfect!

  19. I’m laughing so hard I’m in tears! (Major kudos for the Poe reference, by the way–my brain jumped to that track right along with yours.) Glad you find your phone, and that Dorothy Barker didn’t eat it. THAT could have been horrible.

  20. Maybe you could change your ringtone to a recorded message that says, “Check your pocket” just in case this ever happens again? If you do that and it does happen again, you will feel very smug for your foresight which would be hindsight by that time, but who cares. Smug.

  21. I once spent a frantic hour looking for my cell phone. I had the house phone and was wandering around the house. Sometimes, I could faintly hear it but never seemed to get close enough. Finally, I stood very, very still and called. And I heard it faintly. I turned around and called again then realized it was coming from the same direction as before despite my having turned around.

    And that when I realized my phone was in my bra where my boob was muffling the ring tone.

  22. I’m nearly crying I’m laughing so hard. I’ve totally done that too. My husband doesn’t understand how I can be a great scientist but manage “lose” my phone and/or my keys when they’re in my pocked or IN MY HAND.

  23. If it makes you feel any better I was once in tears running around my house trying to find my glasses and my roommate, stumbling upon the hysteria asked what I was looking for, and, on my response, paused, and then slowly said “Hey Lisa…can you see right now?”

    Yeah. I lost my glasses on my face.

  24. I have done this so many times. I even tried using the find my phone app from my iPad but it only finds a map of my house. You may want one of those find your key stickers so Victor can hunt your phone down for you.

  25. I blame gremlins for missing items. I was once searching everywhere around the house looking for my cell phone… not because it was ringing but because I needed to leave (I’m always running late). I was so frustrated and I was on the phone with my husband and he asks me what’s wrong. I yell at him that I can’t find my phone. Which was when I realized I was using my cell phone to talk to him…. Darn gremlins.

  26. I once had an iphontergeist. My phone started texting gibberish to people and even calling people while it was quietly plugged in and charging on my bedside table. No, I do not sleep-dial, and no, I was not drinking. I even woke up at 3am once because I could hear faint ringing – my phone was calling an acquaintance!

    I brought it back to the Apple Store and they gave me a new one, no questions asked.

  27. This is funny because it has happened to me! Well, except for the bees stuff. I didn’t think it was bees. But now that you mention it, it makes complete sense.

  28. Omg! I was having a Meh day and then I came across this and I’m still chuckling. This is one of the best posts ever (although I’m sure there are more gems here as I just started following. Thank you for sharing so I know I’m not the only one with moments like these and for the smiles and giggles. You rock!

  29. off topic I know, but today is the 4 year anniversary of my 4 year old sons death. And I am feeling very very dark and lost and sad. I thought you would understand….just a very bad day. But you made me smile, so thanks

  30. I needed the giggle today. Thanks for that! It’s like looking for the sunglasses that are on top of your head. I have personally gone searching for the phone I was talking on at the time.

  31. I have done the glasses on the head (am up to two pairs), talking on cell while searching franticaly for it and having a semi-heart attack thinking I have lost my purse when it was on my arms with some packages but the best story I have takes place back in the dark ages before cell phones. I had just moved out to the country and had gotten a pager (very high tech back in the late 80’s). It was mid-January in northern MN and the snow was thigh-high and the temps were in the mid-twenty below zero range…just a typical day in MN. Since it was our first year living outside of a city, I had learned how woodpeckers would attract females by pecking on something that would make a loud sound like on our metal windmill. I was fascinated by it but my hubs said that they are destructive when they start to peck on your wood house. My daughter and I were quietly reading when I heard this odd sound….kinda like a mini jackhammer.
    Well doggone it, it must be a woodpecker peckin’ on my roof and the last thing we needed was a hole in the roof so I got all bundled up and took a shotgun out side to shoot at it. The sun was blinding, glinting off all that snow so I couldn’t really see if there was a Pecker up on the roof or not so I just shot up in that general direction figuring the sound would scare it off. I started back into the house when I misstepped and fell face first into that thigh-high snow and was sprawled out like the letter “X”. Do you know how hard it is to get up in deep snow from that position?
    Got back into house feeling pretty darn proud of myself. No Peckers are gonna peck a hole in my roof on my watch. Eating dinner that night I was telling my husband all about my escapade, when wouldn’t you know it….that Pecker was back pecking on the roof again!!! My husband asked if that was the sound I had heard earlier and I said, “Yup”. He got up from the table, walked over to our wooden curio cabinet and pulled the pager from the top of it. My woodpecker turned out to be my pager on vibrate on the wooden surface!!!! 25 years later and I still have not lived that down!

  32. I lose my glasses. A. Lot. Recently I planted a Razzleberry bush, (yes, that is a real thing), on top of my glasses. I think my daughter is concerned I am getting demented, but, given my personality, knows it’s going to be hard to tell. Totally relate to your phone problem, Poe, bees and all.

  33. Obviously, your phone teleported itself into your pocket at the last moment. Because your phone is an asshole.

  34. My then college student son gave me a stack of cargo shorts saying, “too many damn pockets!” Turned out he had just washed his third phone.

  35. I once lost my phone. I used my other mobile from work to phone myself. This trick usually works. The line was busy! I panicked thinking The phone was in use by someone calling to China or mars. I Phoned a friend to ask him to call The provider to block my phone. Hè sais it was not necesary. It turned out i was using my lost phone all the time!

  36. I too have been frantically looking for my phone while talking to someone on it. I’ve also “lost” my keys, even breaking down in tears once over how late I would be, while sitting in my running vehicle.

  37. Don’t feel bad. About a month ago I spent 20 minutes tearing my bedroom apart, trying to find my favorite nightshirt. Finally gave up and took my second favorite into the bathroom to put on after I showered. And that’s when I realized I hadn’t been able to find my favorite nightshirt because I was wearing it.

  38. Work was getting boring. This made me laugh out loud, and startled my coworkers. I can totally see myself doing the same thing.

  39. choke giggles OMG I ducking live you. I have done this with phones in my pocket AND in my bra and lost my shit trying to find it. But hey, Victor couldn’t tell it was coming from your dress either so….. that pedestal is high Victor.

  40. I once lost my glasses while at my MIL’s house, I mean my real glasses, not those stupid reading glasses that everyone leaves on top of their heads. And I thought “This is how it ends. I can’t possibly find my glasses without my glasses. I’ll just be blind from now on.” They were NOT in my dress pocket. They were folded up in the bedspread. What?

  41. Welcome to my world! Once walked around looking for my glass of sangria, only to realize I had it in my hand lol.

  42. At least you keep your phone ringer on, Jenny. I always put my phone on mute and then lose it, just to up the degree of difficulty. My challenges can never be just frustrating when I can add a dash of aggravation too.

  43. Once I walked around the house for ten minutes because I couldn’t find the source of a jingling noise. It kept moving and finally I realized my cat Chloe was following me. I watched while he jingled across the room and then I put my ear to his stomach and shook him (ever so gently). Jingle jingle. In a total panic because I thought he’d swallowed a bell from one of the cat toys, I grabbed him up to rush him to the vet. It turns out that a little toy ball with a jingle bell inside it got caught in the long fur on his belly. I was really glad I found it before I got to the vet’s office…I’m already the source of some of their most entertaining animal stories.

  44. Stupid Phone…haunting your dress…and then appears out of NOWHERE just to fuck with you…I think its time for a new phone…something that understands you and doesn’t follow you around for NO REASON…one that is there when you call it…yep…

  45. I’ve moved furniture looking for missing pencils that were of course stuck in my hair. This has happened multiple times. Of course it all could’ve been avoided had I been willing to go upstairs for a new pencil.

  46. I’m over here reading Poe for my new Masters English class and there you go making it relevant. I very often lose my phone while talking on it. My glasses that really only need for driving and distance constantly hide from me. And I still look like the dang handyman because I have too many keys, if I separate them I lose them all, they live hooked to my pant loops. ::chang, chang, chang::: down the hall I go.

  47. I did not ask the dog, but he does have the same guilty face. I did not think it was under the house but I did put my ear to the ground. I did turn around like I was chasing my tail convinced my husband was tickling my ass with a feather. Jerk must have slipped my phone in my back pocket when I was ear to the ground. Must.Put.Bell.on.Husband

  48. I went looking for a watch for about 20 minutes before realizing it was on my wrist. I feel your pain.

  49. Well, at least you weren’t running all over the house looking for the phone while you were holding it in your hand. I’ve heard that has happened to people. Not me. Nope. I would never do anything like that.

  50. Once with my youngest, during the worst of the sleep deprivation, he was sleeping in this little bed that went in our bed and had a light and a little music doohicky that he found soothing.

    Unfortunately hearing it played over and over again in electronic beeps etched Brahms Lullaby so deeply in my brain that I started hearing it even when it was not on. Freakiest damn thing ever.

  51. Okay, now I don’t feel so bad. I lost my phone in the trunk of my car, under a plastic bad, FOR THE ENTIRE WEEKEND. And, naturally, this was the ONE weekend I got called into work on an emergency–so guess who didn’t go in. THIS gal, right here.

    My entire week has been like this, too.

  52. I totally feel for Victor on this one! My husband is ALWAYS losing his keys, his phone, his wallet, my sanity.
    Its gotten so bad that the last convo we had about it went like this:
    “Babe, I can’t find my keys!”
    “If I come in there and find them within 5 ft of you, you owe me 5 bucks!”
    “Fine.”
    I come in, move a paper on the dresser he’s standing in front of, then hold out my palm.
    On the plus side, maybe I can start my own business. The Finder, what do you think?

  53. Yes, this is a very funny story, but I’m going to need you to tell us more about where you got a dress THAT ACTUALLY HAS POCKETS because every woman here knows finding a dress with pockets is more exciting that finding a lost phone.

  54. I know just how you feel. I am currently being haunted by a smoke detector.
    It was chirping, so we replaced the battery.
    It continued to chirp.
    So we replaced the smoke detector.
    It continued to chirp.
    We searched the house for another, lost or stolen, smoke detector.
    Nope.
    It continues to chirp.
    So obviously it’s a really obnoxious ghost.
    Fuck you ghost.

  55. I left my uncles house yesterday FORTY FIVE MINUTES LATE because I’d moved a wet rag on top of my phone, while attempting to quell the screaming 2yo wanting his old cold oatmeal… because I was looking for my phone.

    I’d have called it, but my uncle was asleep (it was really early – we were in a different time zone) and I forgot he had a house phone (who has house phones anymore?!?!? my uncle.) and his computer was gone (desktop: no ideas, but was planning on using “where’s my phone” website had it not been missing) and my laptop was packed in the car – cause we were leaving.

    So I’m scrambling around the house looking for a phone I hid while looking for my phone long enough for my kids to make it out front and my 3yo starts scream-asking why there’s a big white van next door… and what’s it doing?… and I’m trying to shut her up through the open window, because it’s PROBABLY a drug deal (no, not over-reacting there: honestly a probable drug deal).

    All of this, long enough for my uncle to wake up and call my damn phone. Which was on the kitchen counter… right next to the cold bowl of oatmeal that I moved the rag away from.

    I feel your pain.

  56. Ahhhh, I am among my people, especially the ones who can’t find the phone they’re talking on. I’ve also had my refrigerator/feezer/cupboard/dryer ring, realized my glasses were on my head (after an hour of looking), my keys were in my hand, and so on. I also freaked out once thinking the cat had gotten out when she was following me around (and I had been petting her) as I was frantically searching.

    At least you didn’t have the tintinnabulation of the bells, bells, bells!

  57. Like the other day when I wasted ten minutes looking for my car keys and they were in my hand. durhh….

  58. And this is why we remember the Khereva catechism (the Kherechism):

    Q: Who is always right?
    A: Victor is always right.
    Q: What if he is wrong?
    A: See the first question.

  59. Oh! Also, don’t feel bad. One time I lost my phone in the house. My ringer was off so calling it wasn’t working. The “my friends” app showed it was in or around my house. I searched everywhere I’d been in and around the house. Including the little closet where the cat goes at night. Then around midnight I gave up and went to bed. I’d had visions of it being outside and getting rained on overnight.

    The next day, still no phone found. Then I drive the kid to his job. On the way back I think “Wouldn’t it be nice if hubby found my phone while I was out.

    He discovered on the Internet that there is a way to make your phone ring even if the ringer is turned off. So he wandered around trying to pinpoint the ping. Then he found it INSIDE THE CLOSED BIN I SCOOP USED CAT LITTER INTO.

    Apparently it’d fallen out of the floppy hoodie pocket into the bin when I crouched down to scoop the box.

  60. Ok, I’m not sure that I should be saying this outloud, because I am a grown adult. But here goes. I often lose things that I really need but if I can’t find them after a good search I just put it down to the naughty fairies playing tricks on me. I’m sure this is obviously from a film or book from a youngster, but I believe that when something goes missing that is right in front of your face, naughty fairies (or pixies or whatever) are secretly hiding them or standing in front of them so you can’t see them. And then when I have scoured the entire place, turned the air blue with profanity, and questioned everyone if they have used/moved what ever I am looking for, the fairies put it back and make me look and feel like a complete idiot.
    So now, when I cannot find stuff, I know the naughty fairies are just trying to get one over on me and I rarely take the bait. I just walk away or carry on and it reappears. And I stick my 2 smug fingers up to those pesky fairies.

  61. I absolutely did this the other day except that the phone was in my hand. True story.

  62. I have absolutely done this except with spinning in circles instead of searching the house. It was in my back pocket.

  63. The following happens to me at least once a month: drive to work, with phone resting on center console in car. Arrive at work, grab purse, lock car, head up the stairs. Halfway up stairs, dig around in my purse and realize I don’t have my phone. Back down the stairs, into the dark, spider-infested parking garage, unlock car. Panic, because phone is not on center console. Start frantically rooting around under seats. Realize halfway through that searching would be more efficient if I had both hands free. Which I don’t, because I have my phone in one hand, where it has been since I left the car. Consider driving home and going back to bed to start over tomorrow.

  64. Something like this happened to a friend of mine: her parents kept saying they smelled something bad, and it seemed to follow them to every room. Close investigation revealed Dad had been carrying around two-day old hamburger in the pocket on the front of his walker 🙂

  65. Spent at least an hour today looping around a couple acres trying to find something i thought i lost…come to find out someone else lost it (as it was sitting somewhere I hadn’t been). This was about 5 minutes after telling the owner I lost it and preparing to get chewed out

  66. I once spent a good 10-15 minutes looking for a pen. Guess where it was? IN. MY. FREAKING. HAND! Bottom line: you are not alone.

  67. I met my family at a restaurant one time and when we got ready to leave, I was in panic because I couldn’t find my car keys. I searched my purse, my pockets, the booth we had been seated at – they were no where to be found. Turns out, they were in my car – which was running – throughout the whole lunch. Yes, I’ve yet to live that one down.

  68. Pretty sure both my sister and I have wondered where our phones were…while we were talking on them. And it also may have happened that I wondered where my pen went…while I was holding it. So, you know, at least you weren’t holding it when this happened. How were you supposed to know it had hidden itself in your pocket?

  69. Oh, and there was a time when my mom kept accusing us of stealing her nail clippers out of her purse. She kept buying more. Eventually she found a hole in the lining of her purse…and then found about five pairs of nail clippers.

  70. I’m just glad your doggy didn’t eat your phone. That would have been ugly.
    I’d take imaginary bees (and leg bruises) over that any day.

  71. I have almost the exact opposite thing happen to me a lot. Because of my neurological damage, I get “buzzing” sensations in my legs all the time. When it happens, I always check my pockets, thinking that my phone is vibrating. Did I mention that I HARDLY EVER put my phone in my pockets?

  72. I spent a good 5 minutes searching for my phone in my car. I was talking to my mom on it at the time. #headslap

  73. Been there. Done that. And now I feel my “phone leg” vibrate for a phone call EVEN when the phone is on the charger. Which means I have bees in my leg. I must still be able to pollinate. So at least there is that.

  74. Once, I was talking to my friend on my commute home when I suddenly realized that my phone was not in my purse. I freaked out and told her, “SHIT! I think I left my phone at work!” Her response, “Aren’t you talking to me on your phone, idiot?”

  75. I got that beat. I got that beat. Lifts pants leg to show massive scar … Er I mean, I once spent 5 minutes searching the house for my phone only to eventually find it IN MY HAND. Admittedly it wasn’t ringing, but still.
    First line into your post I already knew the ending because I have done it myself SO many times it’s not funny. Like seriously, I think I might need a catscan.

  76. While on the phone I have starting digging through my purse and said “please don’t tell me I left my phone at work.” Again, while ON said phone.

  77. I don’t know. Dorothy has a guilty look on her face. And really who hasn’t forgotten where they have put a phone?

  78. Dear Jenny,
    I just wanted to write a note to say thank you for the lovely email you sent me on Goodreads about your book, Furiously Happy. (I know you know who I am since you called me pumpkin…)
    And since I met you that time you were in Annapolis for your first book tour and we got a picture together and you signed the copy of your book that I gave to my husband for his birthday because I think he was beginning to think I had imagined you. .. like he thinks I imagined the coyote or the velociraptor in our back yard… well, the coyote was real and the velociraptor turned out to be a barred owl… and you turned out to real enough to sign a book… so I wanted to thank you for having a brain that thinks like mine… but I blame mine on having 6 kids… you can blame my kids for yours too if you’d like. I’m good at sharing.
    Thank you and yes, I will be reading Furiously Happy… and reading it aloud with a glass of wine by the pool to HeMan Hubby on our next date night… because it sounds like the perfect way to spend an evening with the one I love.

  79. So…about Miss Barker eating her own poop, if you sprinkle 1/8 tsp of Accent (food seasoning) on her food for two weeks, should cure her of that habit. 😉

    (To be honest, it’s not her poop she eats. It’s the cats. I suppose it must have more flavor. ~ Jenny)

  80. This was just the laugh I needed after an insanely bad day, so I started laughing, but then my husband looked at me like I was annoying him, so I read it to him, but I was laughing to hard to read it properly, so he just ended up even more annoyed. I had a good laugh though. Glad you found your phone and lost your bees!

  81. Download the free Where’s My Droid app! You can text a code word to your phone and it will turn on, turn up the volume and ring till you find it. It’s free! If you have an iPhone…. Well, I can’t help you

  82. Oh em gee. This. This is one of the many, many reasons we love you so much. You are the best.

  83. Wait, are you my mom? Does she have a secret life as a blogger? Cause today in the car she couldn’t find her phone and it was ringing, and I kept calling her. And we could hear it but not find it. Turns out it was the bees in her bra. The phone was was in her bra. So now every time she loses her phone, I’m going tell her “it’s the BEES!!”

  84. What I really dislike is when my phone is NOT in my pocket but I get that vibration feeling on my leg randomly like someone just texted. Phantom texts, they’re creepy!

  85. I have never wished more for a LIKE button on your comments!!
    Long time reader, first time commenting. Love your tribe!

  86. As one whose daughter just said “Mom, it’s next to you. On your desk,” I can relate. I still think you’re awesome. This is the best tribe ever.

  87. That totally happened to me but with my own arm. In my defense, it was dark and my arm was asleep and the rest of me barely awake, and I thought my arm was a mouse.

    Also, Dorothy Barker should watch out for dog-eating phones because that seems like a real possibility at your haunted ass house.

  88. Gee I am feeling quite normal now after reading every ones reply’s I leave my phone in the bathroom and some times it slides between the cushions on the couch, in the car. Now I try to put it in the same place every time I put it down and that seems to be working out much better.

  89. And this is why those keychains that chirp when you whistle or vibrate when you clap would never work for you. Not to mention that they ARE probably small enough for Dorothy Barker to eat, so that could complicate things. I’m afraid you’ll have to walk or take the bus from now on.

  90. I have done that before but I had no witnesses so I didn’t tell anybody. I am surprised though that the cats didn’t join in the search being they are so curious…

  91. I was laughing so hard that my kids (all three, no joke) looked at me and said “Are you reading the Bloggess again?”. They know, they all know. Plus, I had horrible hiccups and you just cured them, so thanks for that too!

  92. My best story comes from high school when I was learning to drive. We couldn’t afford to send me to driver’s ed, and my mom desperately needed another driver in the house because she was spread way too thin. So I signed up for the free class at my high school and declared that she could teach me to drive. She didn’t exactly believe me on this, but I managed to convince her. Fast forward a bit and we’re in a parking lot for one of my driving lessons. This is out in NM, and let me tell you, that sun is a killer. So I start looking around the car for my sunglasses so I can drive without being blinded… can’t find them. My mom starts looking too, and she can’t find them either. We’re about to tear the car apart when I happened to catch my reflection in the rear-view mirror. I was wearing them. On my face. Not pointed at the ceiling, but already sheltering my poor eyes from the vengeful sun. It was so bright out that I couldn’t tell I had them on, which was bad enough, but I didn’t let me mom live down the fact that she couldn’t find them either.

  93. I am the worlds worst for looking for my phone while talking on it, so don’t feel bad. 🙂

  94. I once retraced all my steps at a hospital, and talked to some one at every place I had been telling them that I had lost my cell phone. I described it to all of them, I even drew pictures of it. And gave all of them my landline number in case they found it. The phone was in my bra the entire time!

  95. Me, starting to get slightly panicky….
    where’s my toddler? He’s not in the yard, or the house?
    friend: you’re holding him!
    could have been worse, I did remember I had him. And that’s not a given, with five kids 😉

  96. And also because I am OCD with a really bad memory, when I pack my shit in my bag to leave the gym, I have to say out loud “PHONE GOING IN THE BAG…..HEADPHONES GOING IN THE BAG….” so that when I get out to the car & think “Did I pick my phone up?” I can recall the look on the faces of anyone else in the area & remember I did indeed pick my shit up….People may think I’m mental (& they’d be right) but it means I don’t leave anything behind & pretty much guarantees me a whole bank of lockers to myself…..

  97. If anybody’s going to break me of lying in bed catching up on Twitter, it’s you and your commenters. It’s not humanly possible to suppress the belly-laughs, and I’m actually going to be sleeping in the dog house if this keeps up.

    The other day I was frantically looking for my keys all over the house, the ones that were in my hand the whole time…

  98. The first time I set my phone on vibrate I was in a meeting when someone called me. And I jumped up and ran around the room because I thought there was a wild animal in my pants.

    I probably shouldn’t work in an office. Sometimes my co-workers concur.

  99. Thank you for that morning laugh! I’m sharing your story with friends because it is too funny.

  100. Once I was talking to my son on my cell phone when I suddenly realized I didn’t know where my cell phone was. I said, “Oh my god, I think I’ve lost my cell phone!” and my son said, “Then how the hell are you talking to me right now?”, and I realized the phone was in my hand. I felt simultaneously stupid AND relieved.

  101. When my wife was in college, she would talk to her mom on the phone while walking home at night, as a safety precaution. One night she couldn’t find her phone, so she told her mom and her mom’s like, is it in your backpack? Your pockets? Maybe you left it in the car? So she retraced hersteps, with her mom giving her suggestions of places to look the whole way, before she realizes she is talking on her phone. Neither of them lets the other live that one down.

  102. On my! What is the world coming to when dress pockets turn against us? Dress pockets used to be so awesome! Oh wait they still are. And so are you fellow Jenny.

  103. Between the look on Dorothy Barker’s face, the bees, and Lori who shook her cat to see if there was a bell inside–I can’t even. I’m crying laughing here. And btw these are all totally things I would do.

  104. I emailed this to my husband. For general interest. Not at all because I’ve actually done this and wanted to prove to him it isn’t just me. And I promptly got flagged by email security for sending “objectionable content” … because apparently we can’t say shit in email.

  105. Holy shit, bee problems can be tricky. Be very careful, don’t pass Poe, have an epi pen handy for any notes you need to make for relocating the buzzing good-for-the-environment-and-scare-the-bejeebus-out-of-you winged compatriots. Oh wait. Your phone was in your pocket….never mind.

  106. That is priceless. I once did the same thing looking for my glasses; except instead of buzzing in my pocket, they fell onto my face when I bent over to look under my bed. Brilliant! 😉

  107. I didn’t just LOL, I was just doubled over (standing desk). It’s a good thing my office neighbors are used to things like this.

    Several times, I’ve been standing in a store and singing along with the ringtone I made for my sister’s number, or thought ‘weird someone else has that exact song/recording for a ring tone’ before realizing it was my phone.

  108. This has happened to me, but with jeans rather than a dress. More frequently though, I feel like my phone is on vibrate and I go to answer it and pull it out of my jean pocket only to realize that I don’t have anything in my pocket. Yes, there is butt dialing, but for me, there is also phantom butt vibrating. I wish I could work it to my advantage…

  109. That’s funny! Who hasn’t had the same situation where you’re running around looking for the damn phone, and low and behold…SHAZAM… its on you the whole time!

  110. While visiting my house Friday, my guest acquired a bee in her underpants. One can never be too vigilant.

  111. At least it didn’t fall out of your pocket & end up in the toliet. After you just peed in it.

  112. phones can do everything now days. why can’t you just yell out for your phone and it respond…I’M ON YOUR DESK or I’M STILL IN YOUR POCKET or SOMEONE IS TRYING TO STEAL ME AND RANSOM ME BACK TO YOU

  113. I come to read your blog on days when I need to know that crazy is perfectly normal! Thank you for that. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who slams around trying to find something I never lost.

  114. One time I thought my keys had disappeared forever. I looked everywhere, I accused my husband of taking them with him, I called places I’d been to the day before and then I gave up and I had to borrow someone else’s car to get the kids to school (because I couldn’t drive MY car without keys, of course) and then of course the kids were late to school and I was late to work after all that nonsense. Then later on, I found my keys in my purse.

  115. I’m unable to have children, but once many years ago I woke up from a nap (or so I thought), and proceeded to run around the house in a blind panic over not being able to find my kid. I was sleepwalking. My then-husband stared at me incredulously for a few minutes before asking me what I was looking for. I sat down and started to bawl that I “couldn’t find the boy!” The hubs kept asking “What boy?” and I kept gesturing by putting my hand out in front of me in a boy-sized measurement. “You know- THE BOY!!”, I cried. After a few minutes I slowly came to, and realized that I’d been sleepwalking.

    So I win, for A: totally losing something that never existed in the first place, and B: for being the world’s worst imaginary mother for losing my imaginary child.

  116. Ah, Michelle (#154), I’ve been there. I had just arrived home, last day of work before a company wide 2 week holiday vacation, when I realized I had left my wallet at work. I was preparing to make the long, long 30 mile drive back to work to get the wallet but I thought I’d better use the facilities first. As I stood up from the toilet, I heard a clunk, no accompanying sploosh sound, just clunk. Wondered what it was, but went ahead and flushed the toilet. Then, as I walked out of the bathroom, I reached for the phone in my pocket so I could call someone — anyone — at work to make sure I could get in and retrieve my wallet. Had to use the land line (remember when we all had one of those) to call my phone several times, trying to hear it ring, but finally had to admit that I had flushed the darn thing down the toilet. It was one if those little flip type phones, back before the smart phones got so popular. Apparently didn’t even challenge the flushing ability of the toilet. Swoosh. Right down. So, aftewards I made my son drive me all the way back to work because the way my day had been going I’d surely have been stopped on the way and ticketed for no license. Thank goodness I was able to get in once I got there since my wallet had all my credit & ATM cards, drivers license, basically my life, in it. And when I replaced my phone, I made sure it was one of the larger ones. Dropping it into the toilet might not be so good for it, but at least it probably wouldn’t flush without a race.

  117. Agh! I hate it when bees sneak into my pocket and use my phone. I’ve tried everything — stern lectures, strongly-worded letters — but nothing seems to work.

  118. I have passed those genes on. A couple years ago my teenage son called me at home to tell me he’d locked his keys in the car with the motor running in a store parking lot pretty far from home. I laughed and told him I was on my way with the extra set of keys and hung up. I went to the garage and realized my car had been stolen. As I was mildly panicking and checking for forced entry and my phone rang. It was my son, “Mom, you do remember I’m driving your car, right?” Right. Of course I do. I told him technically the family car was sort of driving itself in the parked position at the moment and that I was calling someone to come pick me up and we’d be there shortly, which I then did.

  119. This could have been me. I’ve panicked looking for glasses to find them on the top of my head. Hang in there, the weekend’s here!

  120. Dude, my whole week has also been this way. Thank god I’m not alone. And no, Mercury is not in retrograde. I checked.

  121. I wish I know how to “like” this on your site but clearly I’m challenged in these ways and also thank you for writing some of my own brain matter on your site. You’ve got ESP or whateverthehellit’scalled and you didn’t even know it, gold star.

  122. Yes. We are starting to get the horribly yearly influx of giant European house spiders, Tegenaria gigantea. They roam around dwellings looking for mates. So we have huge, horny spiders that have actually WON A RECORD FOR FASTEST SPIDER WHY IS THIS HAPPENING.

    “With speeds clocked at 1.73 ft/s (0.53 m/s) (1.18 mph), the giant house spider held the Guinness Book of World Records for top spider speed until 1987 when it was displaced by sun spiders (solifugids) although the latter are not true spiders as they belong to a different order.”

    That other thing isn’t even a spider. So that doesn’t count at all. The horrible things that wander through my house are STILL the fastest arachnid fuckers around. And they are SMART.

    Yeah. One of those fuckers was on our ceiling last night and was smart enough to jam itself in a crack when my husband tried to vacuum it up. He shoved the vacuum hose at it while I shrieked “It’s resistant to a vacuum! They’ve EVOLVED!” Finally he mashed it with one side of the hose and then it got sucked up. I HATE THOSE FUCKING THINGS.

    Although in fairness they DO murder hobo spiders out of pure spite, and those actually ARE dangerous. Soooooo…. okay, thanks, giant spiders.

    They’re still creepy as fuck, though.

  123. That sounds like the time I panicked in the park because I couldn’t find my infant son….because I WAS HOLDING HIM IN MY ARMS! I blame the sleep-deprivation….

  124. My mother, who often carries her cell phone in her right back pocket, once explained to me that, “If my left cheek is vibrating, it’s not my phone.” This explains a lot about my entire life.

  125. RE: Jenny’s response to Kathy M (#115).

    It’s called “Kitty Roca” at our house. Personally, I prefer the almond flavor.

  126. Good gravy.
    I think everyone has those days, though. This week’s for me was flailing around for thirty minutes going “I can’t find my glasses! Where the hell are my glasses?” And then realizing they were on top of my head.

    hangs head

  127. I did this recently with my keys. I went back to ask the place that I had just been to and they said ma’am they are in your hand! I needed a nap really badly that day!

  128. OMG, I did something very similar. Went to a football game and used my phone to take a pic. Put my phone away in the jacket pocket I ALWAYS put it in when I wore that jacket. Later when I wanted to use it, it wasn’t there! And the pocket was unzipped! I began searching frantically for my phone and hubby joined in the search. Nothing. Then all the strangers sitting around us started searching. Nothing. Hubby said, let me call your phone – and we all heard it ringing!! Began searching again, and hubby said I think it’s coming from your jacket. Impossible, I told him – I had checked every pocket 48 times. Except for one pocket I didn’t even know existed. I got THE LOOK from everybody. Stop judging me, people!!

  129. ROTFLMAO Oh dear gods….more giggling…wiping laughter tears from my face Sounds like a typical day around here…three redheaded females, one of whom is ALWAYS trying to figure out where the heck her phone is. You have managed to my one cousin who was runnign around with it in her hand, asking “Have you seen my phone? I can’t find it…why are you grinning at me? This is serious!” so I dialed her number just for the sheer cussedness which is me….and grinned even more when she looked down at her hand with a blank expression. But having a phone ringing and following you around….more giggling

  130. Too funny! I once spent 15 minutes going from room to room looking for my dog, who was following me the whole time. If I’d have stopped suddenly, he’d have bumped into me.

    With each passing year, I spend more and more time trying to remember what the hell I just walked into the room to get.

  131. I am now on week four of “where’s the damn checkbook hiding?” So, yeah. That bill is getting paid late. I’m so good at hiding gifts that we have searched for some for YEARS. I wish I were exaggerating. So, I love the whole “phone in my pocket” story, because that is totally something I would do.

  132. Once when I lost my glasses, I found them in the fridge. No idea why I put them there. I’ve also done the classic looking for my glasses while they were on my face…

  133. I once trashed my entire apartment in frustrated rage because I could not find my car keys (and I needed them to get to work) only to find them dangling on the from my rear end — the decorative doohickey on the key ring (that was supposed to keep me from losing them) was snagged on the denim. The keys had been hanging on my backside like a pig’s tail, the whole time.

    And I was two hours late for work. Shortly thereafter, I invested in the largest key ring ever made.

  134. Re: wombatcentral @ #180
    I did that too.
    I once bought Christmas gifts a whole 6 months early when i got a bonus check because I knew the money would be spent elsewhere before December. I hid the gifts so well that they drifted to that world where socks from the dryer hide. After a few years of looking, I gave up and it became point to my story of whyI NEVER buy stuff early (well one of the points, lazy being on of the others). I not only didn’t have the gifts but I wasted my bonus. Odd…haven’t gotten another one of those either.
    Sadder still, I moved a couple years ago and was sure I would find the gifts. I planned to give them for Christmas anyway. I was practically gleeful in anticipation.
    Yeah…that didn’t happen. Never found them.

  135. Don’t worry Jenny. My father regularly asks me where his pants are….and his glasses… and his jacket… and his keys…. and pretty much everything else. (So I guess I’m this household’s Victor?) Of course, this has also been a week where I put down a cup of coffee, panic that I left it in the kitchen and then turn round to find it on my desk…

  136. Crying from laughing right now. I have totally done that! So embarrassing when you find the phone .

  137. My dog is in emergency for three days from a snakebite, it’s been a horrible week, I have rattlesnakes under my house, and I couldn’t see a time in the near future I would be laughing, I read this to my husband and we are both cracking up. Thank you so much.

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