Hello! And welcome to my birthday! This post almost didn’t happen because last night the visual orbs that show up right as I fall into a depression started closing in and this morning I felt horrible, but then suddenly it all went bright again. Welcome to my broken and unpredictable brain!
So I’m writing this quickly since my serotonin is real asshole and I want to get it all down in case this happiness is a trap.
So for my birthday I got juggling balls because I’m not talented enough to tap dance and juggling seems like the next best thing to be able to do to entertain people at parties when you don’t want to have awkward small talk with them, but turns out that to juggle you need to be able to both throw and catch things and I can’t do either, much less at the same time. You’re supposed to start with just throwing a single ball back and forth (which is the least impressive juggling) and I dropped the ball half the time and then I managed to hit myself in the face with the ball hard enough that I suspected I’d have a black eye. But I don’t because my balls are soft and that’s good because no one’s going to believe “No, no one is abusing me. Honestly, I just punched myself in the eye with my ball.” Unless they know me, in which case they’d be like, “Well, that sounds like you. At least it isn’t two black eyes because those things usually come in pairs. Balls that is. Not eyes. Although they come in pairs too.” In their defense, people who hang out with me are weird and also awesome. And sometimes imaginary.
Basically when I’m juggling I look like those otters that play with rocks. You know those otters? Hang on.
This is why otters are my favorite animals ever. I’d like to go visit some today because I live next to Sea World but I can’t because I saw Blackfish so I’ve been avoiding it, but I just heard that Sea World was discontinuing their whale stuff so can I go now? I don’t know the rules anymore. I wish Sea World would call and say “Sorry about that whale stuff. We didn’t know. We’re fixing that shit now. Wanna come play with otters?” Because, yeah. I totally do. Also, it’s my birthday so you can’t yell at me for saying I want to go snuggle otters. You can say “Totally do that!” or “Um…I wouldn’t if I were you” but you can’t yell at me. (Strangers on the internet are laughing intensely at me right now for this logic.)
There’s actually a place in San Diego where you can swim with otters but they (for real) won’t return my calls. Probably because they know I’ll sneak out with some otters and I’ll be like, “Oh, this lump in my swimsuit? That’s a growth. How rude of you to ask. Now you made it embarrassed and it’s running away. Like growths do.”
Anyway, if you want to do something for me for my birthday you can either leave a comment with something on it that makes you happy because it makes me happy to see you happy, or you can go buy one of my books. For you or for someone else. And then when your spouse is like, “What’s this charge on the credit card?” you can say, “Oh, I had to buy a birthday present for someone” and they’ll be like, “Wow, I’m glad you remember all the birthdays because I suck at it” and you’ll be like, “I KNOW. YOU OWE ME” but really the gift is going to you. EVERYONE WINS. And if you already have my books then you can preorder the new one because half of it is drawings I made and you’re going to need several because you’ll either color them or rip them out and pin them on the wall and then you need another copy that you can lend to friends. That’s how books work. I think.
Thanks, y’all. Happy birthday to us.