Okay. Last week I told you that we have lawn gerbils and then a few days later it turned out we maybe had fairies but there have been more developments and those developments are that squirrels are assholes and I adopted an owl. Sort of.
Basically I realized that whatever it was I saw in the lawn was too small to stay inside the live traps and it would just eat the peanut butter and squeeze out of the cage so I bought new, smaller traps and this happened:
And I’ve reset the traps, but this morning when I came out I found that Squirrelly Temple had ripped off the back of the trap AND CARRIED IT AWAY WITH HER. So basically the squirrel converted the trap into a squirrel feeding system and she keeps glaring at me like, “Why haven’t you refilled this shit? IT IS EXHAUSTING STEALING FROM YOU” and then Victor went outside and fed it peanuts and I was like, “THAT IS SO IRRESPONSIBLE” and he was all, “But she’s hungry” and I’m pretty sure we just switched bodies.
I haven’t seen the lawn gerbils/rats/fairies/voles again but I assume they’re still there so I found a big plastic owl at the store that’s supposed to scare away rodents and Victor was like, “We’re not buying big owl” and I was like, “Well, we have to now because you just named it. Big Al.” And he was like, “I said ‘big owl‘ and I said, “Well good, because that a terrible name. Waste of an owl, really. We should name it Hootie. Or Weird Owl. Oh! OWLEXANDER HAMILTON.”
So we brought Owlexander Hamilton home and I felt bad about leaving him outside at night and Victor was like, “WHY IS A PLASTIC OWL IN OUR BED?” and I explained that the directions say: “must be moved to different locations for maximum efficiency” and Victor glared at me so I claimed innocence and told him the owl probably did it himself. “He’s like Hootini.” And Victor just shook his head and said, “I’m talon you, this has to stop.” And that’s exactly why we’re still married.
