Okay. Last week I told you that we have lawn gerbils and then a few days later it turned out we maybe had fairies but there have been more developments and those developments are that squirrels are assholes and I adopted an owl. Sort of.
Basically I realized that whatever it was I saw in the lawn was too small to stay inside the live traps and it would just eat the peanut butter and squeeze out of the cage so I bought new, smaller traps and this happened:
And I’ve reset the traps, but this morning when I came out I found that Squirrelly Temple had ripped off the back of the trap AND CARRIED IT AWAY WITH HER. So basically the squirrel converted the trap into a squirrel feeding system and she keeps glaring at me like, “Why haven’t you refilled this shit? IT IS EXHAUSTING STEALING FROM YOU” and then Victor went outside and fed it peanuts and I was like, “THAT IS SO IRRESPONSIBLE” and he was all, “But she’s hungry” and I’m pretty sure we just switched bodies.
I haven’t seen the lawn gerbils/rats/fairies/voles again but I assume they’re still there so I found a big plastic owl at the store that’s supposed to scare away rodents and Victor was like, “We’re not buying big owl” and I was like, “Well, we have to now because you just named it. Big Al.” And he was like, “I said ‘big owl‘ and I said, “Well good, because that a terrible name. Waste of an owl, really. We should name it Hootie. Or Weird Owl. Oh! OWLEXANDER HAMILTON.”
So we brought Owlexander Hamilton home and I felt bad about leaving him outside at night and Victor was like, “WHY IS A PLASTIC OWL IN OUR BED?” and I explained that the directions say: “must be moved to different locations for maximum efficiency” and Victor glared at me so I claimed innocence and told him the owl probably did it himself. “He’s like Hootini.” And Victor just shook his head and said, “I’m talon you, this has to stop.” And that’s exactly why we’re still married.
176 thoughts on “Next step? Pet falcon.”
Read comments below or add one.
Does Owlexander Hamilton hoot catchy songs at you? You and Victor were made for each other, it’s disgusting how adorable y’all are.
WHY are you SO FUCKING FUNNY????
I appreciate everything you write. I get it. I am it. I am not you but I love your attitude. Thank you for your spin on everything. Especially husbands, oh and depression and anxiety. Thanks for making sure we get that we are not alone. You are the BEST, the SHIT, the BOMB, Baby!
The universe sent you a squirrel with attitude and a plastic owl. Read these as good omens.
Beautiful. Until renegade Squirrely Temple beats the shit out of him. I wonder how much damage squirrels can do to plastic…?
My Owl’s are named “Owliver,” and “Owl B,” Like….Owl Be damned….(I’ll be….). Anyway….Owlexander is going to have to be my next….
Next step, write a musical about the trials and tribulations of Owlexander Hamilton. I predict a huge hit, at least with the Audobon Society!
Aren’t those things supposed to scare woodpeckers, too? Because our house is wood and… well, you do the math.
thank you for being you.
My mother took pictures of plastic owls at a golf course because she thought they were live. I love her so much.
I hope you are planning to tweet this to Lin Manuel Miranda…
You are so amazing funny! You make my day every time you write! Thank you!
Oh gawd, that was funny!
I wanna fistbump the fuck out of you right now.
The intelligence level of Squirrelly Temple is starting to scare me a little. Her next step will be to break into your damn house if you aren’t careful.
Ok… maybe I can get behind Squirrelly Temple (she’s got grit), but Owlexander Hamilton? I gotta think you’re TRYING to create ur own petting zoo (except nobody will let you pet them unless u feed them peanut butter, preferably the kind with jelly already mixed in- or they’re too plastic to put up a legit fight)
Owl have to look into this squirrel business….
Hoot hoot motherfucker. Dying.
Oh my GOD Jenny I can’t even……
I haven’t seen one of those plastic owls since the one my uncle bought for his boat slip to scare away seagulls. (I don’t know why he thought it would work. Seagulls aren’t scared of owls. I don’t think they even know what owls are).
Getting a Falcon as well as Hooty would be cool. Some airlines let you buy a seat for your Falcon so it can travel with you.
In other news, I heard America’s Best is missing their owl……
Yes, but where did that star come from? I need to know!
I would name him Owl Bundy. 😀
I predict Squirrely Temple will start chewing Owlexander Hamilton to bits. His cousins eat Christmas lights at our house.
We also tried the owl to stop a woodpecker from moving in with us. Instead of scaring him, he thought it was a new friend and built his home right inside the fucking wall of our house! To keep warm, he plugged the hole with insulation. Crafty motherfucker. Couldn’t claim him on our taxes though.
Thank you for making me smile. Owlexander Hamilton looks ready to protect the Lawson Tribe from all tiny mammals.
So…funny circle of life story. I taught at a school where one classroom had pet finches. The finches had babies, and soon several classes had pet finches. Because of the finches, there was birdseed. Mice love birdseed. Around the same time, a redtail hawk that would often be seen outside the school disappeared. So mice started invading the classrooms. Not long after this, the pet snake in one of the classrooms escaped its tank. It was never seen again. But our mice problem went away.
Squirelly Temple. LOLOLOL. I’m going to be stealing that and re-naming my yard squirrel that! That’s just brilliant.
First off, I love your posts, but I don’t think I’ve ever commented. I really enjoy you. Second, I love your garden in the picture. Third, I finally ordered your coloring book and it should arrive Monday. Yay!
This doesn’t really go along with today’s post but I don’t know how else to send it to you. You MUST check out this artist and her dishware. RIGHT up your alley, unless it crawls off before you can check it out . . . http://www.thisiscolossal.com/2017/07/dishware-anatomy-ronit-baranga/
That’s hilarious. My squirrel nemesis was called “Squeaky Fromme”.
Whelp, this explains the silver star… it came off of Squirrely Temple’s dressing room door!
I had one of those big owls. It didn’t survive a week. The birds killed it. Then it fell to the ground and got completely torn to shreds by the raccoons.
Squirrely Temple??? Owlexander Hamilton (shouldn’t that be Hamiltalon?)…my GAWD woman, you KILL me with these names!!!!! You know what you need to buy next, right? A blowfish. That’s right….because then you’ll have Hootie and The Blowfish!!!!!!!
Ha ha ha….I slay me!!!!!!!
Just PLEASE say Owlexander isn’t a Hootie and the Blowfish fan.
Maybe you could figure out a way to get some real hawks to move into your neighborhood? Some little ones set up housekeeping somewhere near our house recently and the starling population is dropping fast. We were at some friends’ house on the 4th and I happened to be looking at the bird feeder in their back yard, where some were eating seeds – I swear I saw a blur flash through my field of view and there were just some feathers in the air at the feeder.
Also, an excellent book: https://www.amazon.com/Outwitting-Squirrels-Stratagems-Dramatically-Misappropriation-ebook/dp/B00IQY2PTQ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1500409868&sr=8-1&keywords=outwitting+squirrels
On the plus side if the lawn gerbils are small enough to get out of the big trap, maybe they aren’t rats? Mice are less terrifying.
Although still difficult to deal with, especially when you have a Evil ca who brings them indoors and lets them go, presumably for the entertainment involved in watching the thumb-monkey dry to catch them.
(there was one I couldn’t catch, so I named it Algernon and ended up putting food down for him as I didn’t like the idea of him starving to death.)
Fantastic post! Love the new owl. I think you will find the squirrels chewing his ears off but it’s worth a try.
I have a good book to recommend to you, if you haven’t read it.
“The Singing Creek Where The Willows Grow: The rediscovered diaries of Opal Whitely, presented by Benjamin Hoff.
About a young girl who saw, yes did see, fairies and wrote about them in her diary, as well as a lot of other natural history kinds of things. She was very tuned in to things. I recommend this as a completely enjoyable read which I think you will love, but also because possibly getting more tuned in with the wild folk there might help in dealing with them. You never know.
Meantime, the plastic Owl is awesome. 🙂
Seriously! If you weren’t married and I wasn’t married and we were both lesbians and one of us had a trust fund, I would totally marry you!!!
Bwwaahhhlllooolll – Jennifer a.
As usual, you made me snort water out my nose laughing so hard when I’d just been in a dark spin. Thanks and bless you (not for sneezing, you get different ones for those). I appreciate you.
Thank you for making me laugh out loud on a Tuesday afternoon!
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻😂👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 I can’t stop laughing/crying/choking…. That is genius right there. That is one of my favourites of all time. Oh damn that’s funny. Bless you, Jenny. And the faeries totally dig Owlexander. They’re quite pleased. 😉 ❤️💋
I knew it – vajazzled Brazilian squirrels. I’ve seen it a dozen times. Owlexander doesn’t stand a chance out there. Your best bet is a Sherman trap like this: http://con102.blogspot.com/2014/07/small-mammal-trapping-techniques-for.html
Also, when was the last time you spiced your lawn? Not Sean. Maybe cayenne pepper and/or chili powder. It’s important to have a well-seasoned lawn when dealing with vajazzled Brazilian squirrels.
My daughter has three toy owls, all of which are named Hootie. They’re a family. A very confusingly-named family. They are responsible for her never sleeping — after all, owls are nocturnal. (Now that I think of it, allowing the three Hooties to live in her bed was probably not the best of ideas, particularly since Hootie Jr’s eyes glow in the dark.)
“Owlexander Hamilton” made me fall off my chair.
Was Weird Owl Yankovic already taken?
Lol at Squirrely Temple! I would have given her peanuts too!
BAH HA HA HA!!! I have that same plastic owl. It was to prevent the Avian Mafia (a.k.a. Swallows) from nesting in our house. It worked. But I made the mistake of bringing it inside and it freaked the cats out. THE EYES!!!! I still wanna take cover when the Avian Mafia is flying about- they communicate, it’s not even the same house we had the nesting problem at, but they know… they follow me… it’s like that collective thing from the Wolves in Twilight.
My owl, Doctor Whooooo, does squat. I was hoping he’d keep the crows, or rather, the crow shit storm away from the deck, but nope. Fucking slacker.
That owl looks like he is inconspicuously taking a shit in a bush. Think your bed is the best place for him – he kind of screams low self esteem.
What you failed to realize is that squirrels are the Men in Black of the rodent kingdom. They’re called in whenever a human sets a trap baited with peanut butter. Or carrots. Or bird seed. Or Oreos. Because they’re assholes. I set a couple live traps to try to depopulate the small city of rabbits living under my deck and witnessed a squirrel de-baiting my traps one after another. This is particularly infuriating because I live on the high plains and the nearest tree is nearly dead from drought and like 30 miles away in some dude’s ancient shelterbelt. WHERE DID THE SQUIRREL COME FROM? It keeps me up at nights.
Which one is your spirit animal 🦉🐀🐿 (that’s a chipmunk , why no squirrel ?) 💗
Faeries are in my life big time. Honestly, Mr Norrell has NO idea!
Owlxander Hamelton needs a speaker and motion sensor so when fairies, lawn gerbils and others walk in his path, he can shout out, Hey, get off the lawn!!!
I predict a new Broadway hit: Owlexander Hamiltalon — book and music by Lid-Removal Squirrelanda. (I have no idea why spellcheck isn’t happy with this reply…) 😉
A HOOT?? Oh please…….owl, OK
While there is tea there is hope!
Many years ago I worked for a store that sold these owls. One day I was at the customer service desk when a nice couple came in and wanted to return the one they had bought. No problem, but for the form I needed to know why. I asked. They said it didn’t work and took it out of the bag to show me. The squirrels had basically beat the crap out of it. Chewed up its head. To this day whenever I see one of those owls anywhere I think of that owl. So, you know, good luck with your plan and all.
I got an owl to deter an effing chipmunk (i’ve officially named him that) from our tomatoes. I named it Dr. Hoo! I move it every night which upsets my toddler because he’s obsessed with owls and I think he’s made it his new pet.
I fed a squirrel nuts when I lived on a second floor apartment and he climbed up on my balcony every day. I thought he deserved it for scaling the wall to come and visit. Until I watched him take a giant pee all over my balcony. No more nuts for him!
Wow, for a minute there knowing you, I really thought you bought an actual live owl…
You are my favorite person that I know only on the internet and from books. You rank a lot higher than many people I know in real life, too. And Victor is a saint. You can tell him I said so. I can say that because, while I do not have the affinity for taxidermied animals that you do, I have my share of neuroses, personality disorders, and mental illnesses. I would not want to live with me. So I can appreciate his patience and even his occasional humor in dealing with Hurricane Jenny. Love ya!
I really hope that Owlexander Hamilton helps keep the lawn gerbils/rats away. Also, you are the BEST at naming things and animals. It’s one of the things I love and admire most about you.
We are celebrating our 25th anniversary, in the same B&B where we spent our wedding night.
If there is not an owl in this bed when we come back from dinner tonight, I will be very disappointed.
Squirrels are jerks. So are 8-year-olds. Last year, said 8-year-old didn’t want PIZZA. I have no idea where she came from or what’s wrong with her. (Actually, we recently learned about RAD and she hits all of the markers for it and that explains the pizza tantrum too, actually, but that’s a bit too serious for this story so…digression aside…) She ended up throwing out a few whole slices of pizza. Well, the local government was in some sort of trash war at the time, so it didn’t get picked up first thing in the morning that week and the cans sat at the curb most of the day. I come home at midday and there’s a squirrel, sitting on the railing of the porch, an entire slice of pizza in his paws, just chilling like he owns the place. He also steals whole seed cakes out of the bird feeders…unless it’s the peanut one FOR SQUIRRELS, then that shit sits there for a week.
Owlexander Hamilton. Perfect!
You & Victor give me hope. You two also rock.
Are you sure that is not a chipmunk? Sure looks like it.
GAH why do all the awesome things happen to you?! I want a crafty squirrel to be mad at! Owlexander Hamilton is just awesome, and I hope you keep us up to date on his adventures around your lawn. You and Victor are just the cutest couple ever, my goodness.
VICTOR”S HOME!!!!!! YAY!
Squirrelly Temple is so cute! It really does seem like you two switched bodies. Maybe you need to eat more fortune cookies?
I heart you.
Just so you know, I thought of you today because my chronic pain is off the charts. There aren’t many people who can keep from panicking when you say “it would be SO blissful if the pain just stopped forever.” You make a difference Jenny. And yeah, Big Owl is a TERRIBLE name <3.
Awww..he’s kinda cute.
You come up with best names. Wanna name my kids? They are 14 and 11 and sometimes total assholes but I love them anyways. They must get the asshole-ishness part from their father ;).
You must get a drone!!!!!! Attached the owl and make hoot sounds!!!!
Omigod, I want your life.
One question: does Owlexander Hamilton come with his own B’way show? Or at least rap? Because really, he should. It would be awesome for scaring away the lawn gerbils.
And yes, those squirrels are ASSHOLES.
(I can’t even imagine what would happen if I tried to explain this post to my family…)
My partner recently bought a Mazda SUV and named him Mozzy Mosbourne. We’ll come pick up Owlexander Hamilton and take him for a joy ride in Mozzy.
I love the way you come up with names and things like “Hootini” and “Owlexander Hamilton” and “I’m talon”! I wish I could think of things like that as easily as you do! And I’m at least as crazy as you are, so I guess that’s not what it takes. You keep me laughing–Thank you thank you!!
The plastic owl never worked in our lawn. Of course, that may be because I never gave him the MOST AWESOME NAME EVER. (I’m only listening to it for the 14 millionth time, and now I’ll hear “Owlexander Hamilton,” always.)
You should put a speaker in it that is activated by movement. It could play Weird Owl Yankovic tunes.
Paul Simon said you can just call him Owl. This whole post was a hoot!
raptor? I barely knew her…
I love owls, I was all excited thinking you bought an actually real live owl!
Big Al is the name of my bestest friend in the entire world (150 year-old tortoise). I would post a photo of him here, but html hates me, and the code escapes my memory.
I hope you get rid of your squirrel problem. They can tear your roof right up.
oh fuck me – I cannot stop laughing at this entire post! You are a hoot!!!!
Um, Jenny…Owls are nocturnal. They prefer being outside at night.
Squirrels are total assholes! I used to live in Portland OR area and moved into a property with lots of trees around it and a park across the street. I noticed the squirrels used the phone lines as a highway, which drove my dogs nuts. They wouldn’t come in the yard, but would taunt the dogs and stop to give them dirty looks from above. After a month I picked up my phone and it was dead, called the phone company and technician came out but couldn’t find a problem, but couldn’t get a dial tone. He finally discovered the assholes had chewed a piece of the line coming to the house, replaced it and all was good. For a week, then again dead phone, second technician, searched for a problem, but again nothing obvious. Finally she got up a ladder on the pole at the back of the yard and discovered the assholes had chewed a three foot segment of the wire almost through! She said in my area they were really more of a pest and cautioned me to NEVER EVER FEED THE SQUIRRELS. My Border Collie mix hated those squirrels, finally after years of trying to catch one when we would walk in the park she finally caught one, then looked at my like “now what do I do?” No help at all…
You are so fucking funny, I hurt from laughing so hard. Thank you, I needed this today. Welcome home, Victor!
I have a real owl that hangs out, but we still have squirrels. Maybe because owls are nocturnal and squirrels hang out all day… Dang!
So, when we moved to our condo complex, my husband, God bless his pointed head, kept exclaiming about all the owls in the area. Really? I said, I haven’t seen any! If you ever see one when we are out, show me! I want to see! So the next time we are out, he points to a roof line and shows me an owl. I swear, I am not at all sure what planet some men are from. I mean, to ME they look so fake they shouldn’t be able to scare anything (here, they’re used, without results, to keep the bunnies away). So I tell him it’s PLASTIC and he’s all like NO! He hangs out there every day! He goes on to point out several others that have “taken up residence” in our complex. Seriously! Eye roll/forehead bonk! PS: We had an asshole squirrel that used to sit in the tree outside our second story TV room window and yell at us because we were bothering him. The owl didn’t fool him, either. On another note, I’d bet your Internet passwords are pretty creative as well.
Owlexander Hamilton, we are waiting in the tree for you. If you join us right now together we catch the vo-o-oles! Hahaha!! Made my day!
Well I hope Owlexander Hamilton works for rodents! (I bought an owl to scare birds away from my pool, but really it’s just a perch and the birds shit on its head. We named ours “That Damn Owl What A Waste Of Money That Was”. )
When the squirrel breaks the owl, promise me you’ll rename him “Aaron Burrtail?”
OMGosh, Jennie, thank you for this HIGHlarious post!!!
I’m totally jealous of your owl AND your Cycas… Total climate envy as we have to grow them as house plants up here. Of course it IS somewhat negated by the fact you have even the possibility of rats, I’m an Albertan, we don’t cope with rats. 😉
OMG this is the BEST BEST BEST story ever! And you def have packrats, and they left you a shiny star as a thank you for the treats!! And the squirrel is just being it’s asshole self–they are really jerks.
I work for a Texas library system that used to have an owl for a mascot. Owlbert. I think you could probably get the costume for next to nothing.
There’s a million things you haven’t punned, but just you wait. Joust you wait…
You are so fun and smart and generous with your thoughts. I love that. Also marauding squirrel solutions. We had robber pigeons terrorizing our feeders and had to resort to gunfire. From a cheap water cannon. Never hitting them, just directed toward them until they got the hint. We even left for a week and they haven’t returned!
lol you are both hilarious. Can I come and visit to see your squirrel?
Next time I need something named, I’m sending you a message. Because you WIN at it.
OMG, this looks like the exact same owl my husband gave me for Mother’s Day!!! (So far only referred to as “that fucking owl”.) Squeeee!!!
Best blog ever, owl never stop reading it!
LOL! This is hilarious! Thanks for the chuckle on a day when things haven’t gone too smoothly!
You are a national treasure.
Please hide a microphone in him and hoot at Victor when he’s in the back yard PLEEEEASE!
I’m going to need a Hoot Hoot Mother Fucker T-Shirt.
Also – you need 2 more owls: Weird Owl and Hootini.
The squirrel outside of my back door eats the cat food and doesn’t even bother to run for the tree when I walk outside. And the cats have accepted it as one of their own.
Owlexander Hamilton would scare me away, that’s for sure. I hope it works on YOUR intruders!!! 🙂
For Victor’s sake I hesitate to mention this but you can rent birds of prey as a natural pest control(the birds come with handlers). They also work on seagulls. It’s a long story about grad school, beaches, and eagle owls.
And this right here is why I love you.
You Can Make Me LAUGH OUT LOUD at My Computer! THIS is your SUPERPOWER – to make us remember that we may be bordering on Crazy and our life might be insane, but there is aways someone out there CRAZIER than us …. and we can laugh!!
Rat Terminator: Owl be back.
I didn’t know what a vole was so I googled it and first found this image of a scary vole with his paws/claws outstretched like he’s wanting a hug or approaching you to eat your eyeballs. Then I noticed one of apparently hundreds of vole species named the “Heather vole”. Considering my name Is Heather, I am completely grossed out and really disappointed that something named after me Is so hideous.
PS. Vole was autocorrected to Coke which would have made this comment way more bizarre and interesting.
I’m just over here hooting and giggling to myself!
Gotta love big hooters!
You have to watch those squirrels. Years ago I fed a tame squirrel in the local park. He sat on my knee and when he’d finished the peanuts, he stuck his head in the bag to see if there were any left. Then he searched all my pockets to make sure I wasn’t hiding any more!
Watching that Instagram video, my first thought was, “This is the kind of thing that could only happen to Jenny Lawson.” Love it. And Owlexander Hamilton is an amazing name. I feel like I missed the boat on naming our dog Hoss – there are so many other options out there..
The best part of this saga is that the unbearably-long silences between posts mean that more delicious events are unfolding.
Someone please, please turn all this into a board game.
I call Dibs on the Hunter S. Tomcat gamepiece
You’ve made me feel much more normal about the pet fireflies I have in my bedroom.
Not to laugh at your predicament, but you’re hilarious!! OK, I laughed. A LOT. I’m so happy I found your blog
maybe they’re not lawn gerbils but baby sqirrels and she’s their mommy trying to feed her squirrel babies,but you keep glaring at her and now there’s a large lawn ornament Hoo is also glaring and now everyone is very stressed
I don’t know you, but…I think you have a succulent problem. I recently fired my owl. I came around the corner and caught him letting grackles stand on his head and cheer other grackles on while they ate every every tomato on the plant.
Jenny, I love reading your blog! And your books.
Squirrels are assholes. I once rented a room from a lady who woke up one day to find that her car wouldn’t start. Squirrels had stripped the insulation off of all of her engine wiring in order to build nests to raise more freaky little engine bandits.
PLEASE make a “Hoot Hoot Motherfucker” tshirt in Zazzle!!! You are just the absolute BEST and I love every little piece of your ridiculously funny, crazy, thought-provoking, magical brain!!! Oh, and the rest of you as well, of course. <3 <3 <3
I have an owl just like that…the only thing it scared was my cat
“Do owls have large talons?”
“Do they have what?”
“I don’t understand a word you just said.”
Watch out if you buy a falcon. They tend to coast when ahead of their prey and then choke.
OMG. I can’t stop laughing. We have 5 live trips, 2 big, 3 small. So far this spring my husband has ‘rehomed’ 25 squirrels and about 14 chipmunks, a possum, 3 raccoons and one skunk. Each time he carts away another squirrel I think that’s the last one and each time one or two more show up the next day. He says we have a ‘wait list’ of squirrels wanting to move into our space.
I hate squirrels. We have problems with them chewing through screens to get into the house or shed. Pellet guns work for them. They are shifty little bastards!
This is off the topic but you need to see this house listing. And read the realtor comments about each room. http://www.har.com/4302-colony-west-dr/sale_78077894
If the owl is Owlexander Hamilton, the squirrel must be Aaron Furr.
Funny, as always. I know you’re into humane methods so PLEASE, PLEASE, do not use cayenne pepper or chili powder. Small animals, including domestic ones like cats and dogs can get it on their paws and then rub it in their eyes or nose or mouth. There are stories of squirrels clawing their eyes out trying to get the sting out.
The owl is a nice touch. They do seem to work on pigeons. I don’t know about other creatures.
Let me add my vote to the “plastic owls don’t work” team. Mine had a head that would spin around (it was supposed to spin in the wind, but I had too much fun seeing how fast I could make it go and I think I broke something – it would still move, but not free-spin like it did when I bought it). I moved that sucker around every day and even put it in funny places (under the deck, behind a tree) and it didn’t scare away anything.
Then a black snake showed up and took residence under my deck and suddenly the birds and rodents all disappeared. I’ve been a snake fan ever since. Or if snakes aren’t your thing, give Victor a bb gun and turn him loose. Squirrels are smart enough to get the hint and leave.
I lost a lot of shoes before finding this book:
It didn’t get my single shoes back for me but the authors experiences with squirrels sure made me feel better about my own.
ps I never actually succeeded in deterring squirrels from my bird feeders but I DO have an old edition.
You made PureWow’s 50 funniest book list!
OMG! I just got falcons, so the dream is real! I live out in the country in SW Louisiana. There are mad raccoons, chupacabras, nutrias with attitudes, bugs that are smarter than me, etc., etc., but a few months ago I got an actual GOOD animal surprise – I discovered that two crested caracara falcons live in one of my fields. I immediately renamed the farm to Falcon Crest and started thinking about how one day I will be like an Arabian sheik having to buy individual airplane seats when I fly with my falcons. I just hope the falcons don’t figure out that I can’t have anything nice and leave.
True Story: When my son was about 2, he saw one of these at the store and Had To Have It. He then proceeded to spend a couple of years sleeping with it and dragging it around like normal kids do their teddy bears. A neighbor thought it was funny, so he gave my son another Big Plastic Owl that had a bobble head, and of course son loved Bobble Owl as much as he did Original Owl. So really, you bringing it to bed isn’t that odd. If my son were older and you weren’t already married, I’d suggest a blind date or something.
Jenny, you have to admit that since our Texas squirrels are almost as smart and funny and cute as you are, then you have to just let them alone. Or better yet; just feed them! Hope you are feeling better dear one.
I love squirrel ingenuity.
I sympathise with Victor. I felt so, so sorry for the poor hungry squirrels at my apartment building – until they broke in my bedroom window and made themselves at home. UGH. When I chased them out, they ripped most of the screens in the other windows trying to get back in. Give them an inch and they’ll take a mile, darn rodents!
So, Owlexander Hamowlton was just a bit too much, eh?
I’m just gonna leave this here…
You are so funny, the tears are rolling down my face
As a fan of a good caption, I’m happy to let you know that “hoot hoot, motherfucker” is easily the best I’ve seen all week.
Owl be checking back for more great captions in future 🙂
Squirrels LOOK all cute and fluffy but really they’re vicious fur-pig wrecking crews that will tear up your lily beds in an effort to get every last seed dropped out of the bird feeder into their slathering maws. NOT THAT I’M BITTER OR ANYTHING.
this made me spit out my tea! Brilliant! I need an owl now too, Im sure my kids would love one too. Do you think it would scare the mean crows away from my chicken yard?
I have one of these, and it totally works: http://thetrapmaker.com/bfoxtrap.htm
I haven’t ever caught a whole squirrel family like they show, but I have caught two at a time more than occasionally. I take them 5 miles away to a park and release them, so they won’t come back. We live in an area full of oaks (Oak Cliff) and pecan trees, so it’s like emptying the ocean with a spoon… but at least it cuts down on the number for a while!
That’s a squirrel…a gray squirrel to be exact. We have them all over where I live and they aren’t mean or anything. Just curious. They get fed and can still squeeze their rib cages and get under doors or OUT OF TRAPS, most rodents can do this actually. But back to the point squirrels are troublesome but not nearly as bad a rats. We actually have a few neighbors that intentionally feed them. 😊
Oh crap! Now I have to sit here and think about alternative lyrics for Owlexander Hamilton…and I am just not that funny…
Funny story. Squirrels have been stealing the birdseed until I found out they are allergic to peppermint oil so I ade a sachet and refresh it every few days. No more squirells.
Oh,your pet sitter is going to be busy… Better up her pay!
Hilarious! Love how those squirrels are doing their own thing with your trap. I also loved how you considered you have fairies. At last there is someone else in the world who seriously considers the existence of fairies – sigh!
My husband is from farmland is NW Missouri. We’ve lived in Phoenix for 20 years. His Dad died l
Some years ago. All he wanted from the Missouri farm was “Owl Roecker” the battery operated owl that respond to movement. We take it camping every. Single. Time. And it freaks me out. Glad to hear, Jenny, another odd thing within my family is actually normal. I love your standard for “normal” and I love you! We met in Tempe, AZ after your first book and I bought several. My whole (dysfunctional) family loves you. Keep being weird and honest. We embrace it.
I work at a shopping center where we had a pigeon problem, so instead of putting up spikes or wire the people in charge installed and army of owl statues around all of the outdoor eating areas. They work really well.
Found you through Gabe’s recommendation [almostunsalvageable]. I laughed aloud at your clever names (seriously, Squirrelly Temple?) — and again at your husband’s retort finding that he would be sharing a bed with Owlexander Hamilton (tho’ I might have settled early for Big Al). I’d love to be a fly on your wall (but not in the bedroom, of course!). I’ll be back for more from you.
(Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMORE dot com)
ADD/EFD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder
“It takes a village to educate a world!”
This is just amazing, Lin really has to get to meet Owelxander!!
We called my dad Big Al. Just sayin’ . He wasn’t an owl, but he was a cop for 12 years. He had to get a skunk out of a fruit jar once. I don’t think he ever captured yard gerbils though.
laughed out loud! I mean, ok, I often laugh out loud at your writing. One time I was driving across the entire state of Kansas listening to you read Furiously Happy and I had to pull off the road because I was laughing so hard I was crying and couldn’t see to drive. Twice. But the squirrel flossing her teeth….
My husband and I have an owl that we like to use to play pranks on each other. I have found the owl so far in my bed (under the covers), in my shower and trying to drive my car (among other places). He has found it in the refrigerator by the milk, floating in the pool on a lounger and sitting on his keyboard…and game goes on…
I have two kid,how long u can stay in home with your kids.
We had a squirrel invasion at my house once. The little f-ers made babies in my attic and wouldn’t move out even when I asked nicely. Since I was also pregnant at the time, I got all “I have to protect my baby” and took out a BB gun one day. So there’s me, in my backyard, in red slippers, a bulging belly, and a bathrobe firing BBs at squirrels.
So yeah, don’t get to that point. If you have to bring an owl into your bed, well that sounds like a rational choice to me.
Thanks for the laugh!
You two are adorable!
So glad I stumbled across your blog. It’s hilarious!
And I love the owl name!
Why did the owls invite the squirrels over? because he didn’t wanna be owl alone!! Maybe Mr. Owexander Hamilton can up his game…. Muhammed Owleee, float like a butterfly, sting like a bee! best of luck with all furry creatures great and small x
At first I thought you were going to say you adopted a REAL owl so I was super excited. Only slightly disappointed considering the rest of the post was so good.
You guys are hilarious! I love the owl idea, I hope it gives you some peace. I can’t believe how cheeky those squirrels are! Personally, I love watching them, but I know most people don’t share my love of the little fluff-balls… but it’s the novelty of it I think. We had monkeys in our garden in Africa, but we never had any squirrels!