I’ve been a bit MIA lately so here’s a quick update about where I am and what I’m doing.
I had a severe allergic reaction that made me vomit for 10 straight hours and I don’t recommend it. I developed an allergy to brazil nuts this year and now it’s so bad that even a sliver makes my body turn inside out and my doctor was like, “Hey, interesting trivia that might kill you: Brazil nuts are the only allergies that are sexually transmitted.” And I was like, “Awesome. So I have a severe allergy AND an STD?” and she explained that I couldn’t give the allergy to other people but that if I had sex with someone who ate brazil nuts I could have a severe allergic reaction because apparently brazil nuts come out of your semen. Not whole, I mean. That would probably be noticeable. But enough to send you into shock if you have sex with someone full up on brazil nuts.
This seems like something that should be known since some people have deadly nut allergies and I suggested an ad campaign like, “Keep nuts out of your nuts” but my doctor said it probably wouldn’t fly because the people who make brazil nuts wouldn’t be pleased and I was like, “I’M NOT GOING TO LET BIG NUTS KEEP ME DOWN.” And she looked at me weird and I explained that the people who owned tobacco were “Big Tobacco” so the nut people were probably “Big Nuts” and she nodded and probably wrote a note to herself to stop accepting my insurance.
In other news about my body trying to kill me, I can’t take the injections for rheumatoid arthritis because of the latent tuberculosis that I probably only have because my autoimmune system is fairly non-existent because of the injections I take for rheumatoid arthritis, so I have to take a medicine to kill the tuberculosis but my doctor just checked my blood and the medication to kill the TB is fucking up my liver so I have to go back in for more tests to see if I need to go off the anti-tuberculosis meds which would mean I couldn’t take the RA meds keeping me out of a wheelchair because then I could get active tuberculosis. I am a snake swallowing it’s own tail. And also I’m allergic to snakes. Additionally, the pill cam data came back and the doctor was like, “You’re all fucked up but we still don’t know where all your missing blood is going. Your stomach looks gross though and you have ulcers.” Probably from the stress of all these tests. Long story short, my body is trying to kill me and I want a replacement. Or a cyborg body. I’m not picky.
PS. I’m fine. A little pathetic and very tired but it’s a relief to know the scarier things I was worried about seem to be okay. Things could be worse and I think the meds (mainly supplements, vitamins) the doctor has had me on for the past 3 months are helping. And I’ve lost almost 25 pounds on this horrible low-carb, low-sugar diet the doctor forced me to go on so I almost look like the person I photoshop myself to be on the internet.
PPS. AND my hard drive broke last week but Apple just fixed it and Victor backed it up and the books I was working on are there! I was so relieved I cried a little.
