My car has been broken so I’ve had a loaner and it’s much fancier than my normal car, which is a real problem for me because I don’t like changes. I wasn’t even the one who broke my car and I was perfectly fine with living with it (the glass covering the radio screen thingy was shattered) but Victor said it looked bad and suspected I’d broken it myself. I couldn’t have though because it was shattered from the inside and the outside of the glass was still perfectly smooth so it was more like something inside the car was trying to break out. I suspected it was some sort of demonic car possession like in Christine or Knight Rider but when I went to the dealership to drop it off the lady working on it said that it happens fairly regularly because Texas is too hot and the glass cracks from overheating. So basically the sun wrecked my car and didn’t even leave its insurance information.
The dealership gave me a loaner and it has all these bells and whistles that I’m not used to and I’m intimidated every time I’m in it. Like, several times I’ve been getting ready to back out of a parking place and my seat will fart. For me, I guess? I don’t know why you’d want that. Just random vibrations coming from different sections of my ass that sound like I’m suffocating a mouse on a motorcycle with my butt. But there’s no fart smell because that’s how fancy this car is.
Also, there are all sorts of buttons that I’ve never seen before, like these three:
The first one is obviously “please crash into fancy people only at night” and the bottom one is, of course, “Activate stinky steering wheel” but I don’t know what the middle one is. I assume it makes the car stay in the correct lanes when you’re drunk or blind.
Luckily the dealership called and my car was fixed, which was awesome except that when I got there the lady at the front desk asked, “What color is your car, ma’am?” and I was like, “Tan. Sort of. More like brown? BRONZE. It’s bronze.” Y’all. My car is black.
I was thinking about my last car and so I was like, “Wait. No. It’s black! Sorry. That was my last car I was thinking of. Duh. New car.” Except that it’s not a new car and it’s really obvious because this lady is literally staring at my paperwork because I bought it there. YEARS AGO. And then suddenly we went from “We’re just pulling your car around” to “Would you care to have a seat?” which I think is code for “Someone find the steering wheel button that calls the cops because this bitch is trying to steal a car.” And also Victor texted me that my car isn’t even black. It’s “metallic gray”. But turns out they just lost my car for awhile and I couldn’t really complain because I sort of lost my own car in my brain so I totally get it. NOT ARRESTED. AGAIN!
PS. Victor says that the fancy car farts are vibrating sensors to warn you when there are things behind you that you could run over. Now I’m sort of sad that fancy car farts don’t exist somewhere. You don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone, I guess.