I shouldn’t be allowed to adult

My car has been broken so I’ve had a loaner and it’s much fancier than my normal car, which is a real problem for me because I don’t like changes.  I wasn’t even the one who broke my car and I was perfectly fine with living with it (the glass covering the radio screen thingy was shattered) but Victor said it looked bad and suspected I’d broken it myself.  I couldn’t have though because it was shattered from the inside and the outside of the glass was still perfectly smooth so it was more like something inside the car was trying to break out.  I suspected it was some sort of demonic car possession like in Christine or Knight Rider but when I went to the dealership to drop it off the lady working on it said that it happens fairly regularly because Texas is too hot and the glass cracks from overheating.  So basically the sun wrecked my car and didn’t even leave its insurance information.

The dealership gave me a loaner and it has all these bells and whistles that I’m not used to and I’m intimidated every time I’m in it.  Like, several times I’ve been getting ready to back out of a parking place and my seat will fart.  For me, I guess?  I don’t know why you’d want that.  Just random vibrations coming from different sections of my ass that sound like I’m suffocating a mouse on a motorcycle with my butt.  But there’s no fart smell because that’s how fancy this car is.

Also, there are all sorts of buttons that I’ve never seen before, like these three:

The first one is obviously “please crash into fancy people only at night” and the bottom one is, of course, “Activate stinky steering wheel” but I don’t know what the middle one is.  I assume it makes the car stay in the correct lanes when you’re drunk or blind.

Luckily the dealership called and my car was fixed, which was awesome except that when I got there the lady at the front desk asked, “What color is your car, ma’am?” and I was like, “Tan.  Sort of.  More like brown?  BRONZE.  It’s bronze.”    Y’all.  My car is black.

I was thinking about my last car and so I was like, “Wait.  No.  It’s black!  Sorry.  That was my last car I was thinking of.  Duh.  New car.”  Except that it’s not a new car and it’s really obvious because this lady is literally staring at my paperwork because I bought it there.  YEARS AGO.  And then suddenly we went from “We’re just pulling your car around” to “Would you care to have a seat?” which I think is code for “Someone find the steering wheel button that calls the cops because this bitch is trying to steal a car.”  And also Victor texted me that my car isn’t even black.  It’s “metallic gray”.  But turns out they just lost my car for awhile and I couldn’t really complain because I sort of lost my own car in my brain so I totally get it.  NOT ARRESTED.  AGAIN!

PS. Victor says that the fancy car farts are vibrating sensors to warn you when there are things behind you that you could run over.  Now I’m sort of sad that fancy car farts don’t exist somewhere.  You don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone, I guess.



185 thoughts on “I shouldn’t be allowed to adult

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Isn’t the middle one the “Takeoff” button? Which is fairy irresponsible IMHO, giving people flying cars without proper explanation.

  2. I think you need a personal driver. I’ll be down in a few days. I’ll bring the Big Kid who’s a trained pastry chef…

  3. Adulting is hard. Cars are weird. Meet everyone in the blanket tent for reading and quiet time?

  4. You have such an amazing talent for not getting arrested.
    I envy you. Not that I’ve ever been arrested, I think. No I’m sure. Really, I’m sure.

  5. At least they didn’t give you the keys to someone’s tan/brown/bronze car and send you on your way! And your description of the fancy car fart has me picturing Ralph S. Mouse being smothered by your butt. What can I say, there was a lot of Beverly Cleary in my childhood.

  6. I feel you. I had a to get rental a few years ago, and it had kinds of touchscreens and doo-hickeys. It took forever for me to figure out how to turn on the radio. I’m 37, and pretty good with technology, but I just wanted my car back.

  7. Actual conversation: so, what kind of car do you have? “Green. It’s green.”

    …I have a Honda Element that I adore for several reasons, one of which is NO CARPETS in the car. Plus, my power chair fits beautifully in it. Oh yeah, and it’s green. 😆

  8. To me, the first one looked like a star gazing button, the second one broom sticks will appear on the sides. So like just call that one the Harry Potter button. And the last one looked bacon. So….the steering wheel cooks bacon for you?! That would be so awesome!!! I love bacon, and this fancy car will cook bacon for you! (Okay, I know…that would be incredible lay messy but who cares?! It’s bacon! )

  9. I think the middle button means, “Stay in the centre of the freaking road, for Pete’s sake!”..

  10. I got out of a ticket years ago in Florida because the officer wrote on the ticket that my car was blue and it was a white VW bug. When I went to court, the ticket was voided. Yay! I’ve never gotten another ticket (California) and I’m 72. Yay, again!

  11. I got a new car a couple of years ago because a tornado destroyed my old one (no kidding, I live in Tornado Alley). I didn’t realize it had heated seats until I accidentally turned it on. I was driving and I turned on the passenger seat so it wasn’t until the next time I got into the car with my husband driving that my butt started getting hot and I thought, “Hmmm….that doesn’t usually happen.” Fortunately there was a little light on the console (which is actually just a divider between the two seats) that showed me the rocker switch which turned on the seat warmer. Learn something new every day.

  12. I just had to upgrade my license to a class 4 so the government would know that I probably won’t crash when driving a bunch of people around in a 15 passenger van but that seems really unfair because WAS MY LIFE ALONE NOT WORTH THE EXTRA LEVEL OF TESTING? Now I feel unloved by the government, which to be honest is kind of a regular problem.

    I’m getting off track.

    The van had a bunch of buttons on the dash that I had never seen but my trainer was like “just ignore those” but I can’t because BUTTONS and I couldn’t ask my driving tester guy because I was afraid he’d be like “you don’t know what those buttons are?” and then take away my fancy license.

    I wish I had a picture of the buttons. I don’t though. The moral of the story is “I TOTALLY GET YOU GIRL”.

  13. The comparison of the mouse being smothered by your butt reminded me of a car a friend had in college. She did reptile shows for her job at a museum full of stuffed dead things (you’d have loved it). The show was with live snakes, though, not dead ones which didn’t really fit with the museum but whatever. So she was driving this big snake named Houdini to a show and the sucker escaped in her car. More specifically, it escaped into the upholstery through some rips in the seat. She looked high and low but didn’t find that snake for two months. I have no idea how she explained his absence to her boss. Anyhow, the cold season hit and while she was driving to church one day, Houdini (the snake, not the magician) dropped out of the ceiling and landed on her lap. I guess he was looking for a heat source in the cold. Somehow, she didn’t crash the car even though IT WAS RAINING SNAKES and she returned Houdini to the museum. I think she was only allowed to handle turtles after that.

  14. I love you so hard! Thank you seems so inadequate to express what you bring by admitting you’re only human. So many of us have spent a lifetime trying to keep the world from seeing who we really are behind the curtain. Thank you for encouraging us to be imperfectly, perfectly, human.

  15. I just had a loaner that farts. Scared the shit outa me. Ha! Poop jokes 😂
    I was driving down the road and I guess I got too close to side of road for the cars comfort cause all of a sudden my ass started vibrating and it scared me so much I nearly ran off road anyhow.
    They really shouldn’t give me a car that does all that stuff when I own a 2004 Pontiac Bonneville that could care
    less if I run off the road. The only vibrating I get is when my tires out of alignment.

  16. Last year I got a new car (lease) and it really was possessed! I had it less than two weeks when the check engine light went on, then off a couple hours later. At right around 2 weeks, the check engine light went on and stayed on. Got the car repaired (they fixed a part that had shorted out), and I drove it for about a month. During that month the car yelled at me to put my seat belt on while I had my seat belt on, the bluetooth/phone/radio thing was wonky and then the check engine light went on again at right around 1 month after the first repair. Same part was broken. I told them to figure out what was causing it or I’d just be back in a couple of weeks. I also told them to get a priest and exorcise the damn car. They didn’t, and 2 weeks later – check engine light, same part. I ended up calling the corporate office and telling them I didn’t want the car anymore and they replaced it with another. It took them 3 months, but they replaced it! And my current one is not possessed.

  17. My truck has absolutely nothing automatic in it, and the highest tech item in it is a CD player me and my dad installed in it. However, the two of us painted it a couple of years ago and now it’s absolutely badass. http://imgur.com/a/2JZMG
    Love my truck.

  18. All I know is, I want a heated steering wheel! (Which, I think, is what that bottom button is.)

  19. That first sentence is even more interesting when you think it says “cat” instead of “car”. I was worried about Ferris for a minute!

  20. I took my van in to get the oil changed one time. The guy asked, “What is the make, model, and year of your vehicle?” “It’s the white minivan right out there.” He was rudely surprised, “You don’t know the make and model of your car?”

    No. Why would I bother knowing such a thing? I’m ready to hand over the keys, just click the thingy until a white minivan beeps. How hard is that? It’s right in front of the business. I could point it out. It goes without saying that I get my oil changed someplace else.

  21. My husband got a rental that had seat warmers .. I didn’t know he activated them and it took me a few uncomfortable minutes before I leaned over to tell him I thought i had pee’ed on the seat 🙈

  22. I feel your pain. My new washing machine is much smarter than I am. It also mocks me in droid beeps.

  23. Every time I rent a car, it is fancier than my own car and I feel like a magnificent fraud who has just pulled a daring car heist.

  24. I’ve had my car for just three years now. I went from a bare bones to a brand new car that feels like I’m driving the space shuttle. I still don’t know to what two thirds of the buttons and features do and that’s after driving across country on a 2400 mile relocation. Oh, and then the engine had to be replaced due to a factory recall. So apparently fancy space shuttle cars can still barf out their engines at less than 5000 miles just like a normal bare bones … Um…. Never did.

    Yeah, that didn’t make sense to me either. I’m gonna stop before I declare myself ahead and lose it entirely.

  25. I admire your not getting arrested skills.
    I did once steal a car by mistake. Just after going for a job interview at a law firm. I got about a mile before I thought “I’m nearly sure this car didn’t have zebra print seat covers this morning”
    So I took it back and found another one that was the same except without zebra print seat covers.
    I think it was the fault of the car manufacturers, though. They ought to make the keys so they don’t work in more than one car.
    Also, someone probably got very confused when they got back to their car that evening, because the space I stole it from was taken so I had to park on the opposite side of the street, facing the other way..
    But I can pass for a real adult most days.

  26. Two of the buttons turn on warning systems. The top is a forward-collision warning system. The middle one is for a “lane keeping assist” system.
    I know this only because I stumbled across a website with a fantastic name… “my car does what dot org”.

    The bottom icon isn’t there though — so maybe it’s a warning icon for steering-wheel farts.

  27. You make me laugh every time you open your mouth. Bwwaahhhllooll Jennifer A.

  28. We were in the Burgundy region of France a few years back, and had a great rental car. Then we were ready to go to Nice, so we returned the rental and went to the train station. There was a “greve” (strike) which happens like every other week in France. So, no trains for a few days. Luckily my husband was smart and ran back to the rental place and said, “We need that car back that we just returned.” they couldn’t give us that one, and they gave us a teeny car with NO room for our luggage – terrible car – but we got the last rental car available, And there were like, 30 people behind us pissed off that there were no trains and NOW no rental cars. Instead of taking the train all the way across the country we DROVE, It took hours. But when we were in Nice, we would park, and then I kept looking for the wrong car – the first one we’d had – and couldn’t find it! And the car color was “maron” so I kept looking for maroon which is RED but it turns out in French maron means tan. I had lots of problems finding our car when we parked. No car farts, though, alas.

  29. Unfortunately someone uplist was more right than me — I DO see that icon online for heated steering wheels.

    I imagine the sales departments in Maine promote heated steering wheels more than they do in Texas.

  30. My husband was driving a rental that also had a vibrating seat while driving and it scared the shit out of him every time it happened. The first time though he almost got in a wreck and yelled “Something just zapped my balls!!” and then had to go on a rant on why anyone would think “electrocuting a man’s boys” would be an appropriate warning whilst driving.

  31. i think the middle one is cruise control and the last is for heated steering wheel? hmm..heated steering wheel….you wouldnt know being from texas but that shit would come in handy af here.

  32. The first time I got in a car with heated seats (not mine…a friend’s) and it started getting warm I was concerned for a moment that I might have wet myself.

  33. My car is smarter than me. And the having a compass in the review mirror? It took me FOREVER to figure out that “E” meant “east” and not “empty”, and trying to figure out what was wrong with my car!

  34. DON’T push the center one! Ben Stein will start reminding you to “Stay between the lines. The lines are our friends.” on endless loop.

  35. I don’t have fancy car farts but what I DO have is A Viking that will drive on the road shoulder rumble strips for as long as I want him to. Because my lady parts really like it. And I say “Who’s a dirty boy?” to him. HE doesn’t really like that in a sexy kind of way, it just makes him laugh because I’m the worst ‘Sexy Talker’ on the planet.

  36. I had my last car for 18 years 8 months before it gave up the ghost. Um, cars have really changed since I last bought one. Must say, I’m getting used to the auto lights and auto windshield wipers. And love the backup camera. But I passed on the brake assist and lane assist that I think are the first two buttons in your picture. Was the third button maybe a heated steering wheel? Not something needed in Arizona.

  37. Good luck abdicating adulthood. I’ve been trying for years but my husband isn’t having it.

  38. My car is a 14 year old Corolla. I dread having to replace it. It still runs great! And I understand from someone else that you’ll be lucky to find a car with a CD player these days. Can’t do road trips without my tunes 🙁

  39. My car has a stinky wheel warning light, but without the stinky part, and I thought it was a Pokeball.

  40. We’ve been driving my grandmother’s fancy car, and so far as I know, it does not have a fart button. But the dog keeps standing on the switch that activates the heated seats and dammit, it’s hot enough in August in Texas without dog-activated heat. Mr.Spouse insists it’s not the dog, it’s me, but why would I turn on the damn heat?? We borrowed it because the AC is out on our car! Husbands make no sense when they fuss about these things.

  41. When I was a kid, our car had a button on the floor. My dad once told us if he pressed it with his foot, the bottom of the car would fall off. My brother and I spent car trips terrified, taking shifts watching him to make sure his foot didn’t slip. Turns out it was to activate the high beams. Lucky we couldn’t see his foot at night.

  42. My husband’s old car was so generic that we just called it “Car.” Not only could I not pick it out of a line up, I could never remember what color it was, either. It was SO generic that my daughter got used to me trying to get into strangers’ cars, sometimes with them IN it. Also not arrested, again. I guess that puts us on the same team.

    I have never heard of a car that vibrates your bum if you’re about to hit something. I would just have assumed it was a seat-ghost trying to make friends with me.

  43. My mom’s new car has a lighty up signal like the middle one. It’s right beside the odometer. I saw it and thought it meant her car would start swerving erratically after 12 more miles. The salesman was a little confused….it means her lane departure system is on and the car only had 12 miles. I was all about driving 12 more miles to make the car dance! My interpretation was way more fun.

  44. I have no idea what ANY of those buttons are. I should ask my husband. He’s got a fancy car and he would know.

    Me? I’ve got the most unfancy car imaginable…it doesn’t even have power windows OR one of those lighter-plug things in the dash next to the radio, where most cars have them. So now I’ve got my fancy new car air freshener (it was a free sample) right next to my elbow (because apparently that’s where the car lighter plug is in my unfancy car) where I keep whacking into it all the time.

  45. Not that this will ever be read, but, my partner and I drive a 20 year old Camry, so had a pretty bad fail in Hawaii because we had no idea you had to touch the key fob to the starter to get the roof running. Funny. Not funny.

  46. My new car (now one year old), has an indecipherable radio controller. So I only listen to one station.

  47. For the record, I haven’t seen any previous evidence of you trying to adult and I see no reason why you should start now. Obviously your car is in fact possessed by a Texas demon – haven’t you seen Midnight Texas yet? And for heaven’s sake, DON’T TOUCH ANY OF THOSE BUTTONS ON THE LOANER!!! God knows what might happen!!!

  48. The middle one is “car sometimes uses stilts” or possibly “use oars in case of flooding”

  49. I hear you, Jenny! I just bought a car that’s 20 years newer than my last car, and although I’m slowly struggling through the manual, I still didn’t understand all the buttons. Then I took my son for a ride, and he figured most of them out in about ten seconds. He says it’s because he understands “pictograms” better than I do. No shit, Sherlock! I think my car is black, but it’s called Metallic Black Granite. Still black, in my books.

  50. Maybe it’s just me but the middle button looks like “activate auto car tears” to get you out of traffic tickets and shit!

  51. Tears of laughter running down my face ! Feels so good to laugh ! 😂 Thanks!!

  52. I’ve had my Mini convertible for 5 years and just found the recline lever for my seat. It’s on the right, stuffed between the seat back and the console and basically completely hidden. Now I drive with my seat 100% reclined BECAUSE I CAN.

  53. Years ago one of my patients – a very dignified Native elder – was telling me about her ride to breakfast in her daughter’s new car. She was sitting there, enjoying the view, when she suddenly told her daughter in a panic that they needed to turn around and take her right back home. The daughter was puzzled, but started to do as she was told. Then her mother started to apologise and explained that she feared she had just wet herself in the daughter’s new car. Daughter started laughing and explained that she had turned on the heated seat for her mom!

  54. Literally thought car farts was heating steering wheel. Victor proving me wrong!

  55. I have yet to figure out several of the buttons in my car. I’m not even sure if my ac is not working right or if I just haven’t actually turned it on. Feel your frustration and confusion!

  56. A friend of mine had heated seats but I didn’t know. I thought I peed my pants. He said what do you think of the seat warmers and all I could think was thank God I didn’t actually pee my pants when I didn’t have to go.

  57. The middle one makes it so the car beeps every time you drift over a lane line.

  58. Couldn’t figure out how to start my keyless entry car for two days. I think I finally accidentally stepped on the bake while furiously pushing the damn button.

  59. This has nothing to do with car buttons. Although I do believe their icons are dreamt up designers on powerful drugs. Yesterday I saw a dead armadillo on the side of a street and thought ‘oh I wish I could pick that up for Jenny’s Dad!’ You’ve entered my mind and imagination. See all the power you have? Only you can place stuffed armadillos in my overworked brain. Thanks.

  60. I wonder how many of your days end with your arms triumphantly up in the air and the words “NOT ARRESTED! AGAIN!” before you flop back onto a pillow and sigh happily next to Victor.

  61. I love you Jenny. You and Trevor Noah and Stephen Colbert are helping me cope with life by laughing my way through depression.

  62. I bought a pressure cooker and am too overwhelmed to use it. So many buttons and options!!! I thought it was supposed to make cooking easier but instead it just taunts me from my kitchen counter. I don’t appreciate that kind of attitude from my kitchen appliances, even fancy new ones. I’m showing it who is boss with lots of side-eye.

  63. Pretty sure first one is auto stop function, turning it on will make the car break if you get to close to another car, middle one being lane assist, warning you if you drift out of the lane, bottom being a steering wheel heater, but being Texas you’d not want that… maybe they should include steering wheel cooler instead, but I don’t think that’s a thing.

    Congrats on not being arrested!

  64. Michigan called…we need that second button installed in ALL vehicles here post haste! I think everyone else on the roads is both drunk and blind…

    I once worked at a car dealership. I went to lunch and heard this hissing noise coming from a tire. I looked and sure enough, there was a screw in my tire. I could see the Phillips head of it sticking out while the rest of it was buried into my tire like a gigantic “EFF YOU!” to me. FRICK. Oh well. At least I work at a car dealership! This’ll be an easy fix! #famouslastwords I pull up to the service department and one of the guys helps me…err, he takes my keys and tells me he’ll look at it and let me know what my options are. Cool. An hour or so later, he calls my extension and proceeds to tell me I’m batshit crazy. “Your tires are fine. There is no screw. A few rocks stuck in the treads, but nothing to worry about.” I argue for a bit; I HEARD the air hissing out of my tire! I SAW the screw head! “Must’ve been a rock.” A ROCK WITH A PLUS-SIGN IN IT?? But the more I argue, the more certain he sounds that I lick windows in my free time. FINE. He tells me that he is heading out early, but that my keys will be on his desk. FINE.

    I get out of work and go to collect my car. My keys are not on his desk. My keys are nowhere to be found. What the…?? So someone finally calls him on his cell and he proceeds to insist that my keys are on his desk. There were a set of keys on his desk, but they are most definitely not mine. Finally he, on speaker phone, goes, “Yes…her keys are on my desk!! It’s the white Focus on the drive!!” Uhm…I drive a black Focus. We finally found my car, parked on the side of the building, keys in the ignition, and, most importantly, screw still in the tire – I AM NOT CRAZY! Well…not for that anyway…

  65. For the first six months I had my new car (new-to-me. It’s a 2001) I couldn’t go shopping alone because I could NOT find the car after I had parked. I’d just wander around looking for a Dodge, and it’s actually a Subaru and an entirely different color. My husband finally put stickers on it to make it easier because apparently a four inch sticker of a beaver is easier to find than an entire car. Also, it’s fading and peeling up, so maybe they could send me more or I’ll have to buy one. I’m not sure I’ll find my way home without it. I think they make you buy stuff first though as the last one came in a package of firehose pants.

  66. My car is a silvery/goldy/beigy color but the insurance company says it’s brown.

  67. I totally commented before I read the whole post and now my comment seems bossy. Obviously don’t push the button if it’s back at the dealership. B&E n all that…. next time though. STEERING WHEEELLLL BAAAACONNNNN

  68. No one understands my car’s color. It is “Mineral green” – but it looks different depending on the light. Sunny – pale metallic green (I bought it on a sunny day) Overcast -grey/green. Artificial lights- gray. To someone with any degree of colorblindness it is “what is that color anyway?”

  69. I always feel like I have to say the ridiculous name they call the paint on the car. “Yeah, it’s the Honey Beige Metallic 5-speed over there.” Also, I’d like a job naming paint colors. Where can I apply for that?

  70. Clearly your radio is really a stasis cube and Zygons are trying to get out…tiny, tiny, Zygons 🙂

  71. My first solo car buying experience went dreadfully….ended in tears. The used car guy was mean and mocked me for saying I just want something blue with two doors and a trunk. Is that so hard?

  72. AMC used to make a paint color they called Yucatan. Get it? Yuca tan! Well, I thought it was funny anyway.

  73. I’ve had my CRV for 12 years. I just found out the wheel cover in the back turns into a table. Is that cool, or what? Wish I had known it sooner.

  74. I have a friend who used to drive a car with heated AND cooled seats. Heated seats are great, especially in New England winters. Cooled seats? They make you feel like you’re sitting in a puddle of… something. Or a wet bathing suit. No thanks.

  75. My husband was a technician at a dealership a few years ago. We laughed bc he said that some cars have “seat air conditioners”. That is code for fart suckered. We laughed and still laugh. He said they figured that it was geared toward elderly people bc sometimes they don’t realize they fart. I was going to argue but then recalled the time that I took my 80 yr old G’ma to her attorney. As we were walking out, she ripped one. I said, “GRANDMA!” She said, “What?” She was completely perplexed. I told her what she had done. We argued with her denying and she even appeared a bit angry of being accused of such atrocities. Finally, she said that the same thing used to happen to her mom. “Thy fate is the common fate of all”??

  76. My van is possessed. One day the battery died and the windshield wipers still worked. With the van off. And the keys in my hand. Also if you flip the power door locks off and on about 20 tines in a row, the van will start. This was discovered by my 11 year old with Down Syndrome when my ignition switch was stuck. And the other day the mechanic asked me how many cylinders it had and I said “You must not be a very good mechanic if you can’t go out there and count them yourself.”

  77. I just sent 500 coloring books 250 sets of crayons and 500 pairs of socks to the shelters. I don’t know what else to do… I’m just lost. I threw in a case of Lifesavers and a case of balloons just for a moment of joy. This all just breaks my heart in two

  78. Wtf would the seat vibrate if there’s an obstacle? That seems more like a distraction. Plus it doesn’t tell you where this alleged obstacle is. I mean really. People are trying to drive, and this car is out to sexually harass its driver. What kind of shenanigans is going on here?

    PS My car beeps and flashes an arrow when something is coming. We have an understanding. I suppose that it could be because my dog rides in my car daily, and she gets very angry at the tv when there’s a rapist on shows like SVU. Guess my car knows not to try anything. XD

  79. That heated seat thing got me once too. I was in a rented car and didn’t know of such a thing. Boy, I found that switch fast!

  80. Anon 103, I just wish you could call that ghostly problem in to Click and Clack McCracken, a show no longer on the air as one of the players passed away. They would love this problem and “get plently of mileage” out of its high comedy, before solving it.
    Unless something else was trickling some juice into the wiring-? The alternator, but I don’t see how, if it wasn’t on-? You have me curious!

  81. Top Button: Time For a Second Dinner. If you drive past a 24-hour fast food drivethrough late at night, the star lights up.

    Middle Button: Time for Road Trip. The vehicle looks at your GPS, the amount of gas in the tank and makes a calculation. Handy!

    Bottom: Eating Bacon While Driving. No No! Says your car, as well it should. Pull off road and enjoy.

  82. Oh man… the timing of your post is just perfect!
    I had to pick up a loaner car today because mine is in the shop. First of all, there is no key… there is a button on the dash board.. So I keep losing the fob in the car somewhere and have to search for it when I try and leave the car, there is something to be said for having your keys in the ignition because YOU CAN FIND THEM WHEN YOU WANT TO GET OUT!
    So I got off work at 1am and went to drive home only to find out that this car is so freaking complicated that I had no idea how to even get the right settings for the lights! All the way home I was trying all sorts of different combinations of settings and couldn’t seem to find one that had all the lights I wanted on. I was getting pretty upset because I figured that I was about to get pulled over (or cause some sort of road rage incident for flashing my lights at some gang member or something) and have to try and explain that I was too stupid to figure out how to work the headlights!
    By the time I got home I ended up pulling up the owners manual online and it turns out that the combinations require a seven column matrix to explain! My car is simple…. there is a switch with two options “on” and “off”! When I saw the matrix I nearly started to cry!
    Don’t even get me started on how it actually took me four tries to turn the damned car off properly! Every time I tried to turn it off it seemed like more things turned on!
    Anyway… your post was a blessing because now I don’t feel alone in this!

  83. In June went on a trip with family to drive down to Orlando….our rental Beast (suburban) had lots of bells and whistles that we were still learning what they did after 10 days…I’m sure there were many other things we didn’t learn; however, the heated seats and heated steering wheel were my favorite because long car rides are uncomfortable car rides with fibromyalgia but at least my dad and I split up the driving duties. I understand surprising vibrations in the seat because it about scared me while driving but the feature is supposed to warn you that something was close to you behind you….whereas if you got too close to someone in front of you…you saw red or orange car on your dashboard…and if someone was on the of your car, little lighted arrows on the side mirrors lit up. I was just surprised to teach my dad that the lil arrow on the dashboard near the gas gauge told you what side you needed to add gas to the car…but we were all taught a painful lesson about child locks and what happens when someone walks away with the key bob….the car goes into “don’t let out the prisoners in the back seat” mode…but if they climb over the seats to the front of the car….they can escape

  84. I misread ‘car’ as ‘cat’ and made it all the way to the first comma before I realized that couldn’t be right. I don’t know why I assume you would say “my cat is broken” or have a loaner cat, but had to stop and look more closely when you said it was fancier than your normal cat. Even at 3:40 in the morning, why is ‘fancier’ my breaking point? #thingstheyneverteachyouinphilosophyclass

  85. I got my car in August 2012 and didn’t learn how to properly turn on the air conditioning until July 2013. Not because it wasn’t hot enough to need it before then. I just had never had a car with it before, so my expectations for how cold it would be were very low. It turned out that the thing in the middle of the cold/hot knob was a button and the whole time I’d just been using the fan. I felt stupid.

    But then after a few years, I had a loaner car that was a newer model of the same one. On that one, it was way more obvious that the thing was a button that needed to be pressed. Now I don’t feel as stupid, because they wouldn’t have changed it if other people hadn’t also been confused, right?

  86. Chil’ you are not alone in this. Have had my new car two years now and just last Sunday , the young man helping us load some goods in the back showed us how to let the back seats down to allow a table to slide in! Who would have thought! I still cut my phone calls off if someone calls while driving ,cause I can’t figure out the buttons. But oh boy I love that Satellite Radio!

  87. You know, “vibrating sensors to warn you when there are things behind you that you could run over” is the worst idea ever because if things are behind you you’re already past them and not going to run over them. Unless you’re backing up in which case farts make even less sense. The last thing you want to do when you’re about to run over something is also fart on it. That’s just adding fart to injury.

  88. I actually never learned to drive. I meant to! I really did. I didn’t get around to it before I ended up with a Brain Problem that makes my eyes all strange, so now pretty much all car buttons are equally fancy and baffling to me. It’s inconvenient, but also makes me pretty easy to impress, so… Win?

  89. I still think I drive a white car, when I’ve actually had the red car for a year. Like, I leave the store and look for my white car and then remember that’s not what I’m driving now. I used to have a brain, I swear…

  90. My car (a geriatric Mercedes) has many buttons I don’t understand. Since it’s smarter than I am, I named it Einstein.

  91. I don’t know about any of these other women who read your blog, but personally, I walk around the world thinking: ” There is no one weirder than me.” But ummm…your blog proves me wrong in the best of ways. I thought you were/ are too young for menopause brain? ( not knowing the color of your car, etc…) doesn’t matter, your confessions always make me laugh and feel better about my whacky life… what a relief knowing Im not the only one.

  92. I think Tesla is working on a fancy car fart feature. But it’s electric so you have to pull over every now and then to plug in your butt and recharge.

  93. I am having a hard time with cars right now. My car of almost 10 years was totaled in an accident in May when my brakes went out and I slammed into the back of a stopped vehicle in front of me at almost 55mph. Luckily no one was hurt. So, I had to buy a new car. I have been paranoid to drive ever since, but have gotten better at it over the last four months. But yesterday I confused Drive and Reverse (because my old car was a manual and this one is not and the gear shift is weird) and backed slowly into my husband’s new lifted Jeep. I smashed in the back end of my 3 1/2 month old car and spilled tea all over myself and scared my kids. I am now even more terrified to drive, but have to keep going. My car even beeps at me when I’m in reverse, but some how I missed that over the noise of my children. I feel like I shouldn’t be allowed behind the wheel….would you like to be my chauffeur for awhile?

  94. My vehicle had a light come on on the dash (it looks like an exclamation point in brackets), so I pulled over and texted my husband (a mechanic) a picture and was all “DO I NEED TO PANIC!?” but then I read the owner’s manual while waiting for a reply and it was the TMPS sensor, so then I looked up at my overhead display (which always just says “service parking assist system” because of course my mechanic husband hasn’t had time to fix it) and it showed my right front tire was slightly low. I apparently did not need to panic. It should be a better symbol than an exclamation point. Exclamation points should only be for things that are really important.

  95. My dealership did that and when I asked why their loaners were fancy they said ” to tempt you to buy an upgrade”. When I replied that I could not afford that upgrade they said “yes you can, we checked before we gave it to you…” I now take my car to Groovy Lube or Groovy automotive where I am pretty sure they are not running financials on me.

  96. Called my husband to check the online manual because the helicopter light was on. Helicopters must be a standard, because I sure as hell didn’t pay extra for the helicopter option. The manual was in my glove compartment (does anyone keep gloves there?) but I was DRIVING. Evidently, the CHECK ENGINE light design needs to be improved.

  97. I had an emergency move this week. The lease required vehicle details. I made them up. All of them. Because I don’t know. The only thing I know for sure is, oddly, the license plate number. ???? Baffling.

  98. When I lived in Texas, I bought a used car that had air conditioning, which was a big upgrade. I couldn’t figure out why I had cool air coming out of the top vents, but really hot air coming out onto my feet. My brother the mechanic looked at it and started laughing. I had both the AC and the heater on at the same time. I had driven like that for a month, during a Texas summer.

  99. I had a rental car recently after someone rear-ended me and although it was an automatic, unbeknownst to me, it had secret alternate gears. One night I was driving on an access road going about 50 and it suddenly flipped itself into the “whoa, there” gear so that I had a top speed of 20 if I red-lined it. There was nowhere to pull off and the other cars were flying past honking. I still don’t know what the purpose could be but driving while frying bacon (DWFB) sounds positively safe by comparison.

  100. My job gave me a rental when it sent me to training for a week in another city, and I swear it took me twenty minutes to figure out how to turn the headlights on. I even went for the manual from the glovebox but the rental agency had removed it (assholes) so I had to keep staring at the dashboard and pushing buttons.

  101. I’m pretty sure the middle button is the “beam me up Scotty” button but my car isn’t very fancy either so I have no idea really.

  102. Jenny, new cars suck. I have a 2012 that I thought was fancy and my nephew in law loaned me his 2015 jeep Cherokee while in San Diego and it included this really judgey bossy bitchy lady telling me what the speed limits were and how I was exceeding them. I thanked baby Jesus when I figured out how to turn her dumb ass off. The steering wheel insisted on vibrating too which I guess is fun for some ppl but not me. Anyway, yeah, new cars suck. Ha! When they asked you to have a seat I thought they were going to try to scare you into buying a new car lmao.

  103. Dad, a car guy, and I are in hysterics 😂 My vehicle has a rearview camera and it fucks me up every time I back up because WHERE DO I LOOK?!
    P.S. We don’t know what the top button is either.

  104. The middle one looks like the button you might push when driving at night down a dark rural road lit only by your headlights, and suddenly a ghost/zombie/alien/Sasquatch appears in front of your car, but I don’t know if it makes it appear or helps you swerve to avoid it without ending up in a ditch.

  105. My Prius farts when I shut it off, but only in cold weather.
    II think it’s agreeing with me that cold weather blows ass!!!!!!

  106. Those are all the reasons that I never want to buy a new car. The only car farts I need are my own especially when I’m alone after dinner with friends and it’s like “FINALLY, car farts.”

  107. You don’t know what your imagination is giving you until you realize it isn’t real.

  108. I live inTexas and our new car has heated seats. I use the passenger side heated seat feature to keep our take out pizza hot on the way home!

  109. The first time I tried to gas up my new car, I pulled in, got out and looked at the side, open the driver’s door and stared at the floor, then got in and drove away. Couldn’t figure out how to open the gas tank door! Turns out you press it to release, and I had tried the wrong spot and then went looking for release buttons.

    My favorite thing about the car? The color is “jazzy blue” 🙂

  110. I JUST got a new car. Haven’t bought a new car in years ( we buy used ones and drive them until the wheels fall off… and then donate them…) I completely relate to the foreign nature of the steering wheel buttons…. I try very hard not to touch ANY of them ( I’m positive one will eject me from the vehicle).

  111. Who cares about those buttons…that skirt is adorable!!!
    I was just given a rental too that vibrated, lane corrected, lights blinking, alarms beeping…I swear the car was trying to get me in an accident! I am glad you got your car back so quickly…mine took over 3 weeks!

  112. The middle button is for when you have a flat and then your car can use crutches. : )

  113. I suffer from face blindness and car blindness.
    Scot: What kind of car were they driving?
    Me: Um, I think it was white? Or white-ish? And had four wheels?

  114. I can relate to this post, in that “I had a new fancy car recently for 69 days before some child took it from me” kind of way. Which, when you think about it, is the opposite of what you have. I had somebody break my car from the outside and I miss all the fancy buttons it had because my loaner car doesn’t have nearly as much fancy in it.

    Before the new car the only fancy buttons I had in the old car were to roll down windows. And those buttons were nowhere NEAR the steering wheel.

    My new car, which is supposed to come back to me next week after a month, is black. Actually black. In fact, it’s Star Wars Limited Edition Dark Stormtrooper black.

    PS The Knight Rider car was not possessed by a demon, but by a computer. Unless you were talking about David Hasselhoff, the Knight Rider himself, in which case you might have a case.

  115. I need a little help.

    I once asked you, dear Bloggess, for Harold the reindeer to be placed on a mug so I could give it to a graduating Art Student. It was well received. I have made a habit of giving either the Harold mug, or the Double Unicorn Success mug to my students as they leave me, depending on their temperament. Thank you for your help with that.

    Now I need something for myself, if you have time. I am on antidepressants, and can’t drink so a flask doesn’t really work for me. Unless Zazzle has a hip flask shaped coffee much for work, ’cause how cool would that be? Otherwise, can you possibly manage to put the ladyhood of vampires on a coffee mug? I’m really needing that right now.

    I have been given a work project to finish that was handled poorly by a colleague. In his meeting explaining why he hadn’t done his job, he blamed ME for everything.
    OUR boss knows better, and called him on it, and she was honest about it with about his accusations, etc. I will be O.K. in the long run. In the mean time I have to take this vindictive persons project and see it through, clean up the mess and avoid potential sabotage and character assassination.

    I could really use some Ladyhood of Vampires protection. Could you make that image available on a mug if you have the time. The next few months are going to be long and stressful.

    P.S.- I broke my personal double unicorn success mug today, and am currently ordering a new one, cause I can’t live without it. That’s how I saw the Ladyhood image and thought, how I wish I was a vampire right now. It would solve a lot of problems.



  116. Because of you, I’m going to live my life wishing my car could fart for me. I’m not sure if this is a good or bad thing!

  117. My position on having a car that vibrates the seat to tell you you are too close to something, or outside your lane or whatever.. is screw that. Who needs a car that criticizes your driving? I can get that from my family.

  118. YAS!!!!!!

    This happened to me at the worst moment! My daughter had just died, going off a building, at age 20.
    I had to get the loaner because our Toyota Forerunner required maintenance and the rental place was like “well we don’t have anything that small so we are giving you this cool upgrade to a CHEVY TAHOE”. and I got nervous, after all I had to call the insurance company 2x at the rental place, to get this all to happen for free for me to get home for the day or two. I just wanted to get home.

    So they gave me a TANK, a fucking TANK. Bigger than a Humvee, smaller than the tianamen Square tanks, but HUGE. I said, uh, don’t you have something more my size? They seemed pleased to give me this BRUTE. They honestly seemed joyful about this torment.

    Worse: they had to take the plastic off the seats, because it was a BRAND NEW HUGE vehicle, that I was to drive on narrow and crowded streets in the NE. Park? Not on your life!
    Also, this energy brutalizing beast was NEW at a cost of $60K, did I want extra insurance? I squeaked ‘no, we have insurance’ and just about tossed my lunch.
    The drive home was a white knuckled nightmare, but at last I reached home, swearing I would NEVER drive this thing again ever! I would order beer and wine on Amazon for fucks sake!
    Wondering if Uber could help me tow it back to them in two days.

    Then the Butt Buzzing began. My husband is a sweet control freak, so we must park the vehicles in by backing them in, hey, no kids to run over on the run out, who knows what you run over on the park in. So I’m backing this BEAST up into the driveway and it starts buzzing like fucking crazy on my ASS, and I am in full panic mode not understanding what is going on, jumping out of my skin with each buzz, when I realize all this stress is over me being a teeny bit too close to my own trash cans. Really? Hypertension over almost bumping my trash can? I can live with the trash can suffering, that bitch is the bane of my existence of maintenance.
    But honestly, I forgot to tell you, that seat and other alarms tormented me on the drive home as I apparently left my lane “center” slightly in my TANK a couple of times and came “too close” to possibly scaring a micro Corolla or two. Too bad it wasn’t a Mini Cooper in my vicinity, that would have been amusing in a sick way.
    I mean, how do you keep a TANK within the lines so consistently?

    When I got the Forerunner back we said a prayer together, me and the car, let’s never get separated again baby, we can be old, broken, beaten or sad, but we belong together.

    Thank you for reminding me I’m not crazy alone. 🙂 Tech is out to get us, and bigger cars in this time and age are insane on their own.
    Honestly, automated cars may someday help us, but it won’t really help until every vehicle on the road is the same mass/size, going the same speed, and everyone who designs Tahoe GIGANTIS is obsolete. It’s if a fucking aircraft why can’t I fly it?

  119. Car farts. That’s what that is! Also, the steering wheel can probably heat up. In Canada, we have heated steering wheels. A real game changer.

  120. Car farts. An interesting way to tell you something’s behind you. Hmmm…I can see that being an asset. Ha! Ha! Asset…LOL! I didn’t even try to be funny. 😉 Maybe it’s so weak it’s not. Lol!

  121. SO much to love about your post and the following comments. Forget car farts. Someone needs to invent the loaner cat. You know, for when your cat is broken (ie,being a dick). A loaner cat would certainly put your regular cat in its place.

    For not knowing make and model I don’t know which is which or what is what but I know what I drive (Toyota Tacoma) but lord help me when an online place I hadn’t visited in eons wanted to know the make of my car for a security question, cuz what the heck is a make and what the heck did I drive in those days? I had to call the help line and they asked the same darn question so I had to ask when I set the thing up and it was in the 80s so I argued that “online” didn’t exist in the 80s. Then I yelled “A RED VETTE” and the guy said that was the right answer according to what I put but that was not what a make is. Ha, he was just jealous that I drove a vette in the 80s. I didn’t bother to tell him it was a CHEvette.

    Also back when I drove a Daihatsu, I used to pick mechanics based on the make/model of my car. What do you have? A Daihatsu. A what? A Daihatsu. A die what? Can you spell that? Dee Ay, oh never mind, taking my business elsewhere. Anyway, got the best mechanic in town that way. Not only could they pronounce it and spell, they asked if I had the Charade (yes!) or some other version of it. They quit importing them because they were bad for the economy because nothing ever broke on them except axles. BTW, axles sound important but aren’t really apparently because you can drive for weeks on a broken one while you save your pennies to replace it. And it doesn’t get any broken-er. It just doesn’t always go quite the way your point it though.

    And for rentals. I have a 15 year old previously mentioned Toyota Tacoma with no bells, no whistles, windows you have to manually roll down and a combo cassette/CD player. It is sweet and white and little and girly and my friend mistook it for a driveway and ran into it. So while it was in the shop they gave me a newer, bigger, shinier Toyota Tacoma in wicked black with chrome everywhere. The first thing I thought of when I saw it was that it the kind of truck men with small penises drive to compensate. It was so huge I asked if it came with a stepstool to get into it? And it had buttons galore and the radio was set blaring to a top 40 station (OMG, small penis AND no balls). I didn’t even try to park it in my driveway, I used the whole front yard for it because it was that ridiculous. Who needs such a big truck?! And as a truck it was useless for hauling because you’d need a crane or a ramp or something to put stuff into the bed. The bed wasn’t all that big anyway because the truck had full blown backseats that had their own doors.

    I believe the lady that said they check your financials before giving you a rental thru the dealership because they couldn’t wait to get my opinion on the new truck. And of course I blurted out the first thing that came to mind: My penis is much too big for that compensation truck!

  122. I think the middle one is for when you are driving the Daytona 500 and heading into a banking turn.

  123. I wonder what the purpose of a stinky steering wheel would be? Maybe if you’re disappointed with the lack of smelly car farts? To each his own, I suppose…

  124. I once saw a commercial about a car that could stop on its own to avoid a crash. Is that what the first button refers to?

  125. This has nothing to do with your car or your adulting, but I wanted to thank you for recommending “Stolen things”. I’ve juste finished it (in a café, trying to bawl my eyes out discreetly), and as someone who lost her dad to cancer a few years ago, it definitely hit a nerve, but even without this, it would be a wonderful, wonderful book.

  126. Thank you Jenny, I have ordered a Ladyhood of vampires mug. I already feel better.
    We all have our Brad Dinglemans to deal with. Mine is this particular co-worker. I enter the fray fully armed and ready, thanks to you.

    It means a lot.

  127. Thank you for the Ladyhood mug.

    We all have our Brand Dinglemans to deal with. Mine is this particular co-worker. I will now enter the fray fully armed and prepared.

    It means a lot to me.

  128. I’m still giggling – too funny! The weird/best part is that I have really dry eyes that burn a lot but your posts make me laugh until the tears flow – what a relief in so many ways! Can’t thank you enough! And yeah, I want a car that farts too…


  129. I was thinking of you while reading this profile and decided you should join a study under this doc to help figure out treatments and improve science knowledge. It’s in Oklahoma. Think about it.


    I ended up there by searching how the drug Serc works and places doing research to help mdDS syndrome. This weekend I feel drunk and hung over without even drinking, totally unfair! But I forgot to bring my Effexor on our camping trip, so my bad. I wanted to send this as email but couldn’t figure that out. I’m not firing on all mental cylinders today. I hope you are doing better. Cheers!

  130. I started driving my mom’s Trailblazer after she died. This thing is fully loaded and has all sorts of bells and whistles and I’m sitting in the driver’s seat going ‘whuck’?? Unfortunately, with all the bells and whistles comes multitudes of electrical problems. Mainly the battery keeps going dead and pretty much has since the day she bought it. So currently it’s a fancy gray paperweight in the drivewaylol

  131. I got a new car last year and I am still not sure what all the buttons do! Honestly I don’t think we need all of those buttons. My car also beeps at me whenever I get close to going over a white line. It scares the living daylights out of me and I fear some day it will cause me to crash the car completely negating it’s purpose!

  132. Hello i least you have a car and know how to drive helas i do not know how to drive and 64 years old

  133. Are you still using a loaner? If so, did you find out what the fancy buttons were? I now drive one of those fancy cars, but I grew up driving a ’78 hatchback that I had to leave the heat on in order for it not to overheat. It burned a hole in my right shin every time I drove it. Did I mention I grew up in florida?? The top button keeps you from rear ending someone. Handy when you are going at a high speed on the interstate. It doesn’t help you to avoid getting a tail-gating ticket. Just saying. The middle one keeps you in your lane. It doesn’t allow you to take a quick nap, though. I’ve been tempted to test that. The bottom button is the greatest of all. It heats your steering wheel when your fingers are frozen. I lived in Houston a while, so I know I could’ve used that there. Now I’m in Kentucky and it gets damn cold. Growing up in Florida, I turn
    N that steering wheel on when it dips below 60.

  134. I forgot to mention…there ARE still buttons on my fancy car that I can’t figure out. My husband tells me to read the manual but it’s much more fun to push them and discover their purpose by accident! It gives me a happy surprise!

  135. Feeling depressed, very depressed because my daughter relapsed after 15 months clean and sober. Advise from my 79 year old mom via text: “oh sweetie. I’m so sorry. Try to do something that makes you laugh like watch Ice Age, Indespicable Me, or read Jenny Lawson. You came in third place, Jenny! But I did re-read from both of your books and laughed my ass off. Thank you.

  136. I feel the same way!! I had to borrow my son’s newly purchased Subaru Forester due to my Honda Element needing the brakes changed. I was driving to a Boy Scout camp over an hour away and did not want to risk the brakes. His car has this amazing sun roof that opens up (what seems like) the entire top of the car. I took advantage since the day way beautiful and opened it up along with rolling down the back windows. When I arrived at camp, I had to roll down the passenger window to get instructions as to where to park. When I went to roll up the windows, I could not get any of the windows to go up. I tried with the key in the ignition and the ignition turned on, ignition turned off, all the buttons. Nothing worked! Two other men came over to try and help and could not figure out what the problem was so I went ahead and left the windows down and went inside. After all I was at a Boy Scout camp right? After we went on the tour and had our lunch, it looked like rain so I was concerned again because my son had not mentioned there was an issue with the windows and I was like what is going on why can I roll the windows up??? So another leader went outside with me to take a look and he said “Oh, you have a window lock button and pressed the button. Walla! All the windows rolled up no problem. OMG!! My Element has never had a window lock button, no vehicle I’ve ever driven has the lock button. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a window lock button but apparently when I was rolling down the windows I accidentally pressed it and lock them all in the down position. Needless to say everyone had a great laugh about it. I hope you will too!

  137. Last week I upgraded from my bare-bones 2002 Civic to an Acura. It took me five days to figure out that it kept resetting the freaking seat settings to “impossibly tall man”, making me slide down in the seat so I could reach the brake pedal (which I was taught was necessary in driving school all those years ago) in order to turn the car on so I could once again readjust the seat to “normal short leg person” because the fob was for “driver 2” and I had stored my settings under “driver 1”.

    I should have just bought two Civics back in 2002 so I had a spare.

  138. Yep, them fancy cars…. my best friend bought a used cougar sometime in the seventies. We got dropped off to drive her new ride home, but first we needed to gas that baby up! After struggles trying to remove the key because the car wouldn’t let go, and the horn was randomly beeping,which we figured out when we couldn’t see any other car around, and the guy in the station was staring at us. It also seems we had some difficulties in getting gas in the car, but we did finally learn the horn was in a thin strip around the inside of the steering wheel, which she was hitting with her boob while trying to figure the key situation out….

  139. I got a new car in April and am still figuring out all its fancy things. (It has those same symbols but the first two are things in the middle of the speedometer that light up when they aren’t working (and then I have to try to decipher the owner’s manual WHICH IS WRITTEN IN PICTURES) and the third one is somewhere by my left knee. I just figured out that the sun visors slide on their rod so that they block the sun better when I swing them to the side. Fancy things, yo.

  140. I hate loaners and rentals. I drive a 6-speed manual (stick) transmission Honda Fit, which is, in fact, a TARDIS. Loaners and rentals will never meet my rigorous expectations. I’m glad you’re back in your own.

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