Email from company I’ve never heard of before: DEAR JEMMY, DON’T MISS OUT ON TODAY’S EXCLUSIVE SPECIALS!
me: ::Clicks unsubscribe button::
Their website: To unsubscribe you must go to this webpage to update your email preference.
me: ::Unchecks the EIGHTEEN types of email notifications that I never signed up for::
Their website: OH NO, JEMMY! YOU HAVE UNSELECTED ALL EMAILS FROM US! YOU WILL MISS OUR AMAZEBALLS EXCLUSIVE DEALS! ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THAT? PLEASE CONFIRM.
me: “Miss” is not the word I’d use here. Or “amazeballs” non-ironically. ::Clicks the confirm button::
Their website: We are sure this is a mistake on your part. We are sending you an email asking you to confirm that you want to unsubscribe.
me: wtf.
Their new email: Jemmy, we don’t want to alarm you but we believe some scoundrel may have hacked into your account to take away your access to our great daily offers. If this was not you, please ignore. Your notifications will continue uninterrupted If it was you please click here to unsubscribe.
me: ::clicks::
Their website again: Hello again! You aren’t attempting to leave us, are you? We want you to be happy. Please use the comment box to tell us why you are considering unsubscribing so we can fix these issues and keep you as a customer.
me: BITCH, ARE YOU EVEN SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?
Their website: You entered : “BITCH ARE YOU EVEN SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?” Thank you for your feedback! One of our customer service representatives will be contacting you as soon as possible to help!
me: Is this hell?
Their newest email: Hello, Jemmy! This is an automated response confirming your concern of “BITCH ARE YOU EVEN SERIOUS RIGHT NOW“. Please do not reply to this automated email. A representative will be contacting you by email in the next 48 hours for follow-up. While you’re waiting, be sure to check out today’s exclusive specials! If you would like to opt out of these emails click UNSUBSCRIBE here.
me: ::Stares at the screen for a full minute. Clicks “UNSUBSCRIBE”::
Their website: This account has been locked due to suspicious activity of TRIED TO UNSUBSCRIBE AFTER ALREADY UNSUBSCRIBED. The original setting of RECEIVE ALL EXCLUSIVE EMAIL OFFERS will be reinstated on this account. If you believe this is an error please click this link for help.
me: ::Clicks link. With hammer::
Their website: Thank you for being a valued customer! Please check your email for further instructions! Don’t forget to check out today’s exclusive offers!
Their email: Dear Jemmy. You are very persistent! Just like our desire to give you great exclusive daily deals! We have so much in common. We belong together.
me: ::crying:: Why are you doing this?
Their email: Dear Jemmy: Perhaps we weren’t clear. You can never leave. We love you. Check out our exclusive daily offers! As a valued customer today only we’re offering free shipping if you click here to authorize access to all of your contacts and social media accounts.
me: WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING? NO. MY NAME ISN’T EVEN JEMMY. IT’S JENNY.
Their email: Your name has been updated in our system. Thank you for being a team player, Jelly! Enclosed is your coupon code for free shipping. Offer is only valid last year on chainsaws that have been recalled for safety reasons. Be sure to check out our exclusive daily deals! Please note that your access to email and social media accounts has been locked for 24 hours as there seems to be someone masquerading as you trying to unsubscribe to your account. Your safety is our priority.
My Facebook status: CLICK THIS LINK TO CHECK OUT THE FANTASTIC OFFERINGS FROM THIS AWESOME SHOP! YOU WON’T TOTALLY PROBABLY WON’T REGRET IT! BE SURE TO SIGN UP FOR EMAILS BECAUSE THEIR EXCLUSIVE DAILY DEALS ARE AMAZEBALLS! LOVE, JELLY.
*end scene*
PS. It is shocking how little of this is hyperbole.