UPDATED: I have become what I have sneered at.

thebloggess

7 years ago

Remember last month when I wrote about Amazon recommending a ridiculous astronaut baby carrier to take your cats for walk in and they were like, “YOU SHOULD TOTALLY HAVE THIS, WIERDO” and I was a little offended?

And then I looked at it again and was like, “Fuck. I TOTALLY SHOULD HAVE THIS.” And so I bought it because that’s what happens when I have insomnia at 3am.

And today I’m reviewing it for you in case you also bookmarked it during a moment of weakness.

First cat, Ferris Mewler:

me: DO YOU LOVE IT? Ferris: This is mortifying for both of us. Don’t put this on the internet. me: Just give it time. We can go look for squirrels! Ferris: I’m fashioning a shank.

Verdict: Somewhat perturbed. Slightly fascinated. Last time I tried to take him for a walk I used a cat halter and he just flopped over and pretended to be dead even when I dragged him so this was a small improvement.

Second pet. Hunter S. Thomcat:

me: YOU LOVE IT. Hunter: I hate you with the heat of 10,000 suns. me: You sat in the box it came in for an hour. How is this any different? Hunter: So are the holes on the bottom to let my explosive diarrhea out?

Hailey: I don’t think he likes it. me: He’s yawning. Hailey: He’s yawning extremely loudly. me: THESE CATS ARE SO UNGRATEFUL.

Verdict: Hunter does not like confined spaces. Or backpacks. Or me.

3rd pet, Rolly.

NOT PICTURED

Verdict: Rolly is our smartest cat and after living with me for ten years she has a sixth sense about when to hide. I suspect she’ll turn up as soon as I put the backpack away. We respect her wishes. But I bet she would have loved it.

4th pet: Dorothy Barker.

me: So how- Dorothy Barker: I LOVE YOU AND GRASS AND THE WORLD AND EVERYTHING IS MAGICAL ALL THE TIME. me: We don’t deserve dogs.

Verdict: Totally cool with it. Which seem like a waste because I can already put Dorothy on a leash and walk her around, but she super freaks out in the car and this enclosed space seemed to weirdly comfort her so at least someone appreciates it.

Conclusion: