I saw that Winnie the Pooh was trending on twitter and my first thought was that he was dead and then I realized that was insane and my next thought was that he must’ve said something racist or sexually harassed someone and then I thought that the world is a bit bleak right now for me to rush to that conclusion but in my defense, the guy walks around wearing a midriff t-shirt and no pants all the time, which is questionable at best.
Turns out though that it’s Winnie the Pooh Day and that’s nice because I really love A. A. Milne, although mostly because I’m a big fan of Eeyore, who is my personal patronus and is forever overshadowed by a mildly problematic bear who only ever covers his upper nipples.
One of the most famous Winnie the Pooh lines was being quoted a billion times on twitter:
And I know that line is very celebrated but basically it just means “I want for your last day on earth to be spent in mourning, oh and also it’s your birthday.” I mean, maybe it’s just me, but I don’t want your corpse as a birthday present. If anything the quote should be “I want to live to three hours after you die so that I can throw out all the empty bottles and delete your browser history and burn all our p0rn before the grandkids get here and start poking around in our drawers.” That’s the kind of love you want. Realistic, gritty, slightly unsettling. Get yourself an Eeyore kind of love.
PS. Spellcheck keeps changing “Eeyore” to “Eyesore” and that is exactly the kind of bullshit Eeyore shouldn’t have to put up with but totally would because he’s jaded but also very real. Happy Eeyore Day, y’all. Don’t wish your corpse on people. Unless they’re people you don’t like. Some assholes probably deserve to be bombarded with unexpected birthday corpses. Just choose wisely.