me: Hey. Hear me out and keep an open mind, okay? I want a baby.
Victor: Who are you and what have you done with my wife?
me: It’s a 14 foot foam baby on craigslist.
Victor: Oh. There you are.
PS. Apparently you have to go to New York to pick up the baby in person so I guess it’s not going to happen. Ugh. Adoption is expensive, y’all.