I want a baby.

me:  Hey.  Hear me out and keep an open mind, okay?  I want a baby.

Victor:  Who are you and what have you done with my wife?

me: It’s a 14 foot foam baby on craigslist.

Victor:  Oh.  There you are.

Worst crib ever.

PS. Apparently you have to go to New York to pick up the baby in person so I guess it’s not going to happen.  Ugh.  Adoption is expensive, y’all.

139 thoughts on “I want a baby.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. My eyes nearly popped out when I saw the title but, yeah, there you are, Jenny. Perhaps the Bloggess Tribe can form a supply chain down to your area?

    (Honestly, I was going to ask for a supply chain delivery because I love the idea of a giant foam baby strapped on dozens of cars speeding down roads but it’s over 300 pounds so then I got worried about it flying off the top of a car and nailing a passerby. “Death by flying giant baby” would look terrible on a death certificate. ~ Jenny)

  2. First of all, I’m in New York. Secondly, my boyfriend is so getting ‘I want a baby’ text message. And for that I thank you.

  3. Make sure it’s properly wrapped in a blanket during the journey. Also, do foam babies need a bottle? Or a squishy toy.

  4. Oh, Jenny, there you are! And so blessed is where we all are because of you. I’m hoping you’ve got vaulted ceilings, that you’re measuring them right now and that this baby will fit!

  5. I am amused that it says “Serious inquiries only”. Putting this thing on Craigslist is just asking for non-seriousness, IMHO. But I guess it IS Craigslist, though… Lol

  6. It doesn’t look like it’s painted with gold paint to me. Do you have to paint it yourself? Cuz that’s way more craft time that you should have to spend on one large baby. It would make a great pool float-y though.

  7. I agree with Wolf with Words. Can’t we chain transport it too you? I’ve helped transport dogs that way. I’m sure it can be done. Will a nanny be required??

  8. It’s not a 14 foot foam baby, it’s an “infant totem” according to the listing. You should have told him you wanted an infant totem.

  9. @mydangblog – Look at the last photo in the listing and you will see the baby in all its gold glory.

  10. The real question is what would it’s name be
    I just got caught coming up with a list of potential names in math class… can’t wait to explain this to my mom

  11. I think you should have it, and put it by Beyonce. That chicken needs something to live for.

  12. Can you imagine the diapers a baby that big would need?? And the size of the loads in said giant diapers??

  13. and this is why I need an RV. or maybe a tractor trailer truck. because truthfully, I would do this. go across country, take pics with bloggess tribe along the way with the baby.

    it could work out.

  14. I’m not sure why, but I was there with you until I read that it was 325 pounds… Now I legit want to know what you were planning. Are your neighbors awful?

  15. Perhaps U-haul would be willing to “sponsor” a post by providing the truck and the tribe could supply the chain. Just a thought, but I’ve been up with the foster puppies most of the night, so I’m not sure I’d trust my brain right now. (And YES, the one time I actually went to sleep, mama had an accident.)

  16. Guuurl – you gotta get yourself a convoy!
    Beyonce’ needs a 14’ baby & you can name her Blue Ivy.

  17. I was right with you until the “gold painted’ happened. Gold paint just looks terrible. If it had been realistically painted I would have wrestled you for it. :o)

  18. A short drive or train ride from NYC for me, if interested it could totally be arranged. Work closely with the postal service too; could figure out how it could be mailed to you at no injury to the baby.

  19. Jenny, Playwrights Horizons is like 3 blocks from where I live. But I have a tiny NYC apt. Tho a giant foam baby is very tempting!

  20. Jenny- it’s PERFECT. The size ratio of the baby and Beyonce’ works perfectly Remind Victor that it is FREE!!!

  21. Giant foam babies. Huge metal chickens. Taxidermied animals. You’ll have to have a Bloggess museum one of these days and after people buy their ticket, they have to yell “Knock Knock Motherfucker!” to gain entry. I would totally go!

  22. I once facilitated the acquisition of a loveseat made in the shape of a vulva where the way you sit on it is to sink into the vulva. It was shipped from SF to NY.

  23. I would saw off the head and use it as a hood ornament then hook up the body at home with sprinklers and red lights on the neck so the water spray would look red while it nourishes my yard in the middle of the night.

  24. That’s a big freaking baby! Perhaps you could have people transport it to you. Like have a fan in New York pick it up and take it as far as they are willing to another fan. An so on. Till eventually it makes it was to you. I would do it just to see the looks on people’s faces as I drive down the highway with a giant baby on the roof of my jeep!

  25. Victor must have had a heartache and thought you were on death’s door when you told him you wanted a baby. (My first thought upon reading the title was ‘WHY???’) You should have played it up a bit more and then agreed to downgrade to a cat. Victor would have given in and you’d get your ‘Mr. President’ cat.

  26. If someone can get it to Memphis, I’ll provide transportation to Texarkana. I don’t know how yet, but I’ll do it.

  27. Maybe you have a fan driving cross country who’ll be willing to drop it off. Not me of course.

  28. Omg. I see your response to that first comment, but I think ‘death by flying giant baby’ is totally worth it to get this piece of amazingness to you!

  29. This is the best “want to acquire” blog post from you yet Jenny. I am in tears laughing at this giant foamy baby. omg. Love it. Hope Victor lets you get it so we can all see what you do with it. I am sure there will be taxidermy animals involved 😉 Thanks for being you.

  30. I had no idea foam weighed so much! But I’d pay to see it trucking down the highway scrapped to the back of a pickup truck….just send me a photo! Let’s start a go faund me to “bring the giant gold Blogess Baby home”!

  31. My wife knows better than even to ask such a thing. Maybe you could just get dozens of normal sized foam babies and recite the charm that forms Babytron?

  32. Forget Flat Stanley. This is the Church of Bloggessianism’s road trip mascot! LOL. I could totally help get this through the mid-Atlantic states. Imagine the “baby book” with all the travel pics from members of the tribe!

  33. I kid you not, a friend of mine just posted about this on Facebook, and immediately grabbed the link and came here to share it with you. Seriously. And you cannot believe how happy I am that this exact thing is your latest post.
    I just thought you’d want to know that seeing a giant foam baby makes people think “Jenny Lawson needs this!”

  34. There’s a debate in our town over where to put a statue of a giant (9 ft tall) blue baby hatching out of an egg. I can’t post a picture, but if you Google “Hatched Baby Sculpture” you can see it. (Apologies in advance for any subsequent nightmares.) Apparently, it’s by a famous German artist and on tour around the country.

  35. I’ve decided that I want to be “that” neighbor, so I would proudly display that giant gold baby in my front yard. It would be a departure from the Virgin Mary statues at everyone else’s house, plus I would decorate him/her for different holidays. I will become legendary because nobody will know why…

  36. No no no! Not even a foam baby! Mine are close to being out of the house. Not even pretend starting over. Although I do love the “glorious infant totem” description.

  37. Hahaha, they’re not giant babies but every time I go to HEB or Walmart and see gigantic stuffed bears or any other gigantic stuffed toy I think of you.

  38. Question. How in the hell does a foam baby, albeit a 14 foot long foam baby, made weigh 325 lbs??? Unless – that gold paint is actually made of real gold and they painted it, like, 100 times so that there is a ton of gold on that baby. In which case go get that baby, Jenny!

  39. I didn’t notice the date of the posting, but I cannot for the life of me imagine that that baby will go anywhere except to the driveway of Madame Jenny Lawson’s Church of the Bloggessianism. Seriously, the tribe is big enough. I’m sure there’s someone in New York who has already started getting that ball rolling!

    Right?

    RIGHT, Tribe?

  40. I so agree this would replace your Christmas tree. And then go on to be Baby New Year, Cupid, Baby Leprechaun, Puck for spring, Copperton baby for summer etc etc etc. As for the transport issue why get stuck on the old fashioned automobile 🚗- think 21st Century – a few drones – or at least a couple of helicopters! Really! Wouldn’t that expedite it!?!

  41. I will be driving my baby to college in NYC in the fall and live in south Texas so I could get it
    for you. Bringing back a giant back might fill the giant void of leaving my youngest in such a big overwhelming place.

  42. I wish I didn’t live in California so I could help with this zaney baby supply chain quest! If you get this baby you need to put gigantic googly eyes on it. Googly eyes were MADE for this! 🙂

  43. Umm….I actually submitted a serious inquiry for the foam baby. But I haven’t heard back.

  44. Well, it’s in New York so all they have to do is spray it with some pink slime and it will walk to you on its own, probably leaving a swathe of destruction in its wake.

    There is literary precedent for this kind of acquisition. In the children’s book Harriet the Spy, a couple order a giant wooden baby statue: “It was an enormous, but enormous — perhaps six feet high– wooden sculpture of a fat, petulant, rather unattractive baby. The baby wore a baby cap, huge white dress, and baby booties. … The baby sat on its diapered bottom, feet straight out ahead, and fat arms curving into fatter hand which held, surprisingly, a tiny mother.

    “Where do you want her… it?”

    “Darling, I still think the corner behind the entrance, so that it isn’t seen immediately. You know, and then it will DOMINATE the room from the couch.”

    “It’ll do that, all right,” said the Railway Express man.”

  45. I think you should get the baby. Put it in the front yard. You can make clothes for it, depending on the season. It would be AWESOME at Christmas. Imagine the ginormous manger scene.

  46. Are you sure Beyonce wouldn’t be jealous? OTOH, you could sell tickets for a Golden Baby vs Beyonce cage match. That would give us gas money for the supply chain, and lunch.

  47. If you’re browsing Craigslist, I certainly hope you’re feeling better. Otherwise you might purchase something you don’t need. Like a baby. Unless it’s made out of foam, of course. Then that would be totally OK.

  48. Not only do I live in NYC, I am around the corner from Playwrights Horizon. Tiny theater – how the hell did that fit on stage? Jenny – uhaul is around the other corner. Happy to road trip with a sister.

  49. I want that baby for my library! We could use it for photos, when the students read a certain number of books, they get their picture with the BIG BABY!

  50. My sister now wants this baby, also. Her plan is to hang it in the vaulted ceiling in her living room. If they were offering shipping outside of Manhattan I think you’d have people fighting you over this baby.

  51. You are clearly underestimating the Bloggess Tribe. Victor should be TERRIFIED. With as much mileage as Beyonce got, if you lifted one pinky finger and said, “Help, y’all!” I bet that giant foam baby would be at some neutral drop off location in 4 days. With a giant pink bow.

  52. If you can find three foam bald heads and a really tiny foam bird you could have a whole foam Spirited Away thing going on.

  53. If you had a large foam-squirting 3d printer (They exist, for building yurts amongst other things) you could make yourself a whole tribe of babies. In a yurt.

  54. OMG my husband has a model shop in Chelsea and for a second I thought the giant baby was in his shop. Who knew there were so many people making crazy giant foam things in the middle of manhattan? You can literally do anything on the 7th floor of a high rise.

  55. I saw that play! And they give out miniatures of the baby (yay!) and then take them back during intermission (sob!). And the actual baby you get is the third photo, ie: it is painted GOLD and is spewing blood from its mouth. And its name in the play is “Cry-Baby” and really, maybe you need to spring for the man with a van because otherwise, where will the baby go?

  56. YES – you NEED that baby… I’m thinking it would look perfect on your front lawn – just like in the last photo -laying on its back with what looks like blood dripping down its cheek. You will be the envy of your neighbors! (Another perk – there would be no more solicitors coming round)

  57. I live in NJ, very close to NY state border and NYC. I’m willing to take a leg of this trip. Make this a reality!

  58. Also, second thought, they’re going to ship it to recycle. Maybe we can start a go fund me to have them ship it to you? Lol seems like a good use of gofundme.

  59. Well someone got it – it didn’t go to recycling at least. A neighbor of mine got a photo of it cruising up 9th Ave, around 49th St I wonder if someone can tell this Luddite how to attach photo here?

  60. I skipped that play. A “feminist” play with all male actors written by a male playwright plus the synopsis seemed tedious. I’m intrigued by the giant baby though…

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