You know how Amazon recommends stuff to you based on stuff you’ve bought or liked? Well, here are a few things Amazon thought I’d like this month:
A pillow with the words “HORSE PENIS” on it.
It comes in eight different 
Answer: Neither. Although now that I think about it it would be pretty fun to be like, “Hand me that horse penis. I need to get comfortable.”
I am my own worse enemy.
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Spider doll who also has nipples for some reason.
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Ridiculously enormous sock monkey. From the description: Now you can say “My sock monkey is bigger than your sock monkey.”
I mean, finally.
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Sun-dried Googley eyed porcupine blowfish. “ONLY 7 LEFT IN STOCK. ORDER SOON.”
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So this is what $300 worth of flesh-eating larvae looks like.
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Liver in a pickle jar. Description: “This plastic specimen jar contains a Biolike2 model of a cirrhotic liver floating beside a pickle”
Customers who viewed the pickled liver also viewed the cat butthole purse, lactating incense burner (That’s not how smoke works?) and this thing that is supposedly a soft plush pillow but is clearly a crudely drawn penis frosted like a birthday cake.
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Sexy Princess Leia costume, which I appreciate just for this review alone. (Strong nipple theme emerging here.)
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Octopus specimen. With “Octopus” written on it in case you don’t know what an octopus is?
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12 foot beach ball. “It’s just like a classic beach ball, only gianter.”
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Slow Farts. “More than 25 farting sloth coloring pages.”
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Pants that make you look like you shit yourself. “ONLY ONE LEFT IN STOCK.”
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Fake human skin for practicing face tattoos. Or for making a Silence of the Lambs style skin jacket. No judgement.
Okay, some judgement.
PS. As always, I’m using affiliate links that help fund the annual James Garfield Miracle so if you do end up buying a bunch of shit pants or human skin or horse penises you’re totally buying them for children.
That came out wrong but you know what I mean.