Amazon knows me too well and it’s insulting and also costing me money.

in Random Crap

You know how Amazon recommends stuff to you based on stuff you’ve bought or liked?  Well, here are a few things Amazon thought I’d like this month:

A pillow with the words “HORSE PENIS” on it.

It comes in eight different  colors and on the bottom of the pillow it says: “The words ‘horse penis’ upon a pillow.  Ten letters.”  Even more confusingly, the amazon description says “Dog Penis on a pillow, it makes a great gift” and “Defined as ‘it’s a dog penis'”.  So am I getting a dog penis on a pillow or a horse penis on a pillow?

Answer:  Neither.  Although now that I think about it it would be pretty fun to be like, “Hand me that horse penis.  I need to get comfortable.”

I am my own worse enemy.

******

Spider doll who also has nipples for some reason.

******

Ridiculously enormous sock monkey.  From the description: Now you can say “My sock monkey is bigger than your sock monkey.”

I mean, finally.

******

Sun-dried Googley eyed porcupine blowfish.  “ONLY 7 LEFT IN STOCK.  ORDER SOON.”

******

So this is what $300 worth of flesh-eating larvae looks like.

******

Liver in a pickle jar.  Description: “This plastic specimen jar contains a Biolike2 model of a cirrhotic liver floating beside a pickle”

Customers who viewed the pickled liver also viewed the cat butthole purse, lactating incense burner (That’s not how smoke works?) and this thing that is supposedly a soft plush pillow but is clearly a crudely drawn penis frosted like a birthday cake.

******

Sexy Princess Leia costume, which I appreciate just for this review alone.  (Strong nipple theme emerging here.)

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Octopus specimen.  With “Octopus” written on it in case you don’t know what an octopus is?

******

Creamed Possum.

******

12 foot beach ball.  “It’s just like a classic beach ball, only gianter.”

******

Slow Farts.  “More than 25 farting sloth coloring pages.”

******

Pet ponytail.

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Pants that make you look like you shit yourself.  “ONLY ONE LEFT IN STOCK.”

******

Fake human skin for practicing face tattoos.  Or for making a Silence of the Lambs style skin jacket.  No judgement.

Okay, some judgement.

PS. As always, I’m using affiliate links that help fund the annual James Garfield Miracle so if you do end up buying a bunch of shit pants or human skin or horse penises you’re totally buying them for children.

That came out wrong but you know what I mean.

145 thoughts on “Amazon knows me too well and it’s insulting and also costing me money.”

Read comments below or add one.

  4. It’s the fact that one of the things written in the flesh eating larvae ad is “never buy food for reptiles, fish and birds again” that bothers me. Are we supposed to be feeding our pets to the larvae?!

    No, don’t tell me that it’s the other way around. You cannot fool me!

  5. Thank you! I’ve been feeling sick and you just made me feel slightly less vomity until the shit your pants thing, but really it’s all Amazon’s fault, not yours 🙂 Love your weirdness even when I’m sick!

  7. I’m wondering now – how many irresponsible people have been ordering their specimens so higgledy piggledy that they can’t keep track of which is the octopus?

    And really legitimately disappointed that the creamed possum can is filled with inedible product. That’s shitty people, really shitty :-/

  8. The thing is, Amazon is right. You want all of these things, don’t you, Jenny?

    (More than I want to admit. ~ Jenny)

  10. I think you need the dog ponytail, because that dog already looks like Dorothy Barker. IT’s FATE!! And if she won’t wear it, I’m sure one of you many other animals, both dead and alive would love it.

  11. The creamed possum can is causing me great stress right now. Where do they get the possum? is it locally sourced and ethically harvested? And what about the coon fat for the gravy? Are there possum/raccoon farms somewhere out there that I was blissfully unaware of? I HAVE MANY QUESTIONS.

  13. I’m getting stuck on “coon fat gravy”. I can’t seem to get past it. Sounds like it might be delicious but does that make me weird?

  16. Now if you could combine the sock monkey and the horse penis, then you’d really have something — maybe add the giant ball too.

    BTW, the ad popup at the bottom of the pickled liver page said, “Shop for Easter toys now!” Not sure if I want a liver in my Easter basket, but hey, whatever flips your eggos.

  18. Pet ponytail? As in, “An animal is supposed to wear this ponytail” or “I have this fake hair intended for an animal to wear, but I’m keeping it as a pet instead”.

  19. If you ate the possum, you probably wouldn’t need the fake shit yourself pants. You could make your own.

  21. I can’t even. That “man boxer… with breathable bulge” is just not sexy, and talk about chafing! The penis plush that’s supposedly for boys and girls birthdays(?!?) is mysteriously watermelon colored and I don’t understand its intended purpose. Does the person who designed the lactating incense burner even know how a woman’s body works? And lastly, is that a zombie, carrying a large appliance with “ergonomic and adjustable” straps? (I hope he knows to bend with the knees!) This entire suggested selection really makes me wonder what you order, Jenny!

  23. I want the slow farts book so I can color while slowly farting…I mean that’s where it feels like the advertisement is leading me

  24. Thank you, I reeeeeallly needed a laugh that brought tears to my eyes. Alas I don’t think these things solve my initial problem of experiencing how horrible and/or pathetic humans can be ;-P . On the other hand, I am looking forward to the scratches and scars that will result from attempting to put a wig on my cats.

  25. First, I had to get over the whole chicken in a can, then bread in a can, but Creamed Possum? Where was this hiding all my life? Sucks that so much of this “Does Not Ship To Canada”. How come we have to miss out? lmfao

  26. I am trying to imagine what you actually buy from Amazon that generates the suggestions you get! And it’s mainly through you that I realize just how many bizarre things you can get from Amazon. So, thanks?

  29. I really wish the pillow said “Unicorn penis” because then I could buy it to go with the Unicorn Mask that The Husband Dude bought me for Christmas. I’m thinking that pants that look like you crapped yourself would be a great frat-boy prank. Gone are the days of drawing dicks on their faces with sharpie. Now you just change their pants and wait for the fun to begin!

  31. I used to work for a natural history museum, and they used those kind of larvae to clean bones. And they would do so in a big tank in the middle of the insect exhibit for everyone to see. All this to say, I already know what $300 of flesh eating larvae look like, thanks 😜

  32. Maybe I’m just using Amazon the wrong way. I NEVER get recommendations like yours. Makes me think I’m living my life ALL WRONG.

  36. That “soft plush pillow” reminds me of the time in grade eight that I found a pamphlet about how to put on a condom. The illustrations were pretty detailed, so I got some pencils and coloured the penises in all sorts of crazy colours.

  37. Excellent – I’m ordering Fake human skin for practicing face tattoos a-gogo!

  39. I have a dried blowfish! I have it on a shelf right next to an owl figurine. With a little sign that says Hootie and the Blowfish!

  40. What the hell have you been looking at or buying to need pants that look like you shit yourself? Lol. Why? Haha

  41. Oh god.
    We worked as pickers for Amazon this past holiday season, and let me tell you, NOW WE KNOW that people really do order the strangest things.
    We just don’t know which people.
    Because pickers don’t see customer information — and I came to realize by the end of Day 2, that that is a win-win situation.

  44. I work for Amazon in customer service- yet was totally unaware that we sell Shit Pants. This is why you should disable your one-click settings, people.

  47. Well, my Amazon recommendations just got a bit more interesting. Apparently I need something called a Yodeling Pickle that looks suspiciously like a sex toy. Thanks Jenny!

  49. “A spider doll that has nipples for some reason”

    The reason is Rule 34. No exceptions.

  50. According to the movie Snatch you’re better off getting pigs than flesh eating larva because they will consume everything but the teeth.

  52. Oh my gawd, I can’t even figure out how most of those things even exist in the world. I lived a very sheltered life before I started reading your blog. Thank you for expanding my world view…I think…?

  54. The sun-dried puffer fish with googly eyes is incredibly tempting. When I was in 7th grade I received a run-of-the-mill, non-googly-eyed, sun-dried puffer fish, which one of my birthday party attendees stated she had gotten for me because it reminded her of me. I figure she was complimenting me on my exotic delicateness, don’t you?

  59. It’s products like this that make my brother regret he ever gave me access to his amazon account. His “suggestions based on previous views” are about to get weird.

  61. We just had a snowstorm and wouldn’t you know it I built a horse side penis in our yard ( long story involving prudish neighbors). How odd. Maybe I should get that pillow after all.

  63. You only get to say “My sock monkey is bigger than your sock monkey.” if the other person didn’t buy the American Made Plush Giant Sock Monkey 6 Feet Tall Soft Huge Stuffed Animal Made in USA America given in the related products.

  66. When I was training to do permanent makeup and areola pigmentation, I had to practice on fake skin, and it is SO, SO fake. Nothing like real skin. But what was awesome was that we didn’t just practice eyeliner, eyebrows, and lipliner on the fake face. No, we had this wonderful large forehead that needed to be put to good use. So we practiced tattooing nipples and areolas on the forehead. So if you ever need a realistic nipple or areola tattooed onto your face, you know who to call.

  68. very upset i didn’t read this earlier because I just placed a large Amazon order without realizing that sloths are so good at farting they get their own coloring book. Now on my wish list for next order.

  70. I want the googly-eyed puffer fish and the giant beach ball. Shipped separately, please.

  72. The spider with nipples, that looks like a character from Saga. One of my favorite characters. If you’re not reading Saga, you really need to read Saga. It’s amazing! And now I need to go order a spider with nipples!

  73. Sadly, that spider doll is a recast. The legit doll is “Elizabeth” made by Doll Chateau and costs a lot more. I have one.

  74. So if these recommended suggestions are based on your likes and purchases, what exactly have you bought before..haha? I’m disappointed that the creamed possum is not offered on Amazon Prime-darn it!!

  75. Meanwhile, Amazon can’t get its shit together for my recommendations. It keeps suggesting a breast pump for me for my almost 3 year old, adopted son. And before you think “Amazon doesn’t know he’s adopted, it’s not like Alexia follows you on FB”, I have 1) never bought nursing items and 2) have graduated to “ teach you child to poop” stuff.

  78. I clicked on the flesh-eating larvae link, immediately wondered “WHY for the love of God did I just do that?!?!” And then waited for it to load. Derp.

  80. This is taking me into corners of Amazon that I didn’t know existed. And I’m not sure that I want to know they exist. But now I do AND they’re doing to influence my recommendations in perpetuity. THANKS, OBAMA.

  82. Me, while adding the cat butthole purse and farting sloths to my cart— Oh… non-neutered. Fascinating.
    Husband- What now?
    Me- ITS FOR THE CHILDREN!

  83. Crotches region. Personal fave. The best part is not the items but the editorializing.

  84. Crotchel region. Personal fave. The best part is not the items but the editorializing.

  85. I didn’t even know this stuff existed. I’m not sure I wanted to know… Um, thanks, Amazon? LOL 🙂

  86. Jesus god Jenny, lol!!! Only you could find these things. Maybe browsing with a privacy filter
    up might stop Amazon with these psychotic suggestions? Maybe?

  87. I am NOT clicking on any of those links!
    I don’t want Amazon recommending penises to me!
    Creamed possum and dog ponytail, yes. Horse penis, no.

  88. I clicked on the ponytail… I’ve been searching for the perfect wig for my t-rex cookie jar.

  89. Omg! I can hardly breathe, I am laughing so hard! I tried to read this to my husband, but I couldn’t speak. 😂

  94. You KNOW I had to click on EVERY. SINGLE. ONE of these. And I think my secret reason is – I want Amazon to make equally odd suggestions to me. Copycat? Maybe. #smartshoppers

  95. ‪Warning: Do not make the mistake I did misspell “pet ponytail” as “pet ponytale” in an Amazon search because you thought there might be a black option to match your cats. I was not shown cute little wigs for animals. Thanks for the continued intentional and unintentional (my oops) laughter, Jenny. ‬

  97. The spider doll with the woman’s head and nipples might have been inspired by the classic old time radio show “Quiet Please” episode “The Thing on the Fourble Board” which some people have claimed is the scariest radio drama ever broadcast. This episode is readily available on the internet, so I won’t say anymore about it, except to say I have heard it and it is really creepy.

  98. I fell down the rabbit hole, and my recommendations led me to an infant circumcision trainer and a life-sized cardboard cutout of Guy Fieri. Send help.

  102. why are ‘liver in a pickle jar’, ‘octopus specimen’, ‘human skin’, and ‘huge beach ball’ – the only ones eligible for Amazon Prime?

  103. Horse penis has videos on how to decorate with throw pillows. Because you can’t just toss your horse penis any old place.

  105. I’m going to be yet another commenter to say that I have a dehydrated porcupine blowfish; mine is non-googly-eyed. It looks pretty cool on the bookshelf, I guess, but now I know it’s missing something.

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  108. I just want to know how one blows up a 12-foot beach ball. I get lightheaded just blowing up a normal sized beach ball.

  109. I think that horse/dog penis thing is something that got mixed up in China . . . probably lost in translation.

  115. hey that second one is a bootleg Doll Chateau Elisabeth. Seriously, if you havent’ checked out Doll Chateau, do this now. Their dolls are terrifying and awesome.

    But that bootleg shouldn’t be on amazon, pretty sure it’s illegal and against their T&C.

  120. “I am my own worse enemy.”
    Isn’t it supposed to be “I am my own worst enemy.”?

  122. Well this isn’t fair! I tried to order the blow fish and they won’t ship to Canada! Its not fair you get the opportunity to buy all this good stuff (possum in a can) and they won’t ship me a fish for my collection! Dag-nabbit! You are soooo lucky!

  125. All Ball Joint Dolls have nipples. I have a few. They are anatomically correct. So I’m guessing the spider doll is as well.

  126. After showing this to my Dear Hubby, his only comment was “What the hell is she searching for in the internet?” LOL

  128. Dorothy Barker NEEDS the pony tail. Or your bear friend on the wall. If Victor disagrees I’m sure it could get funded by us in your tribe 😉

  129. I bought a dried porcupine fish for my brother for Christmas one year. It’s the most useless gift I could find, which made it perfect. It didn’t have googly eyes; now I feel cheated.

  132. Spider girl is probably to let D&D fans make their own Lolth (Forgotten Realms)…..why yes, I am a gamer mom. (All of the ways you can read that — a gamer, a mom, and a gamer’s mom.)

  135. A few of the commentors have already mentioned this, but the spider doll is actually a Dollchateau Elizabeth. The one is the listing is a recast, another term for an unauthorized copy of another dollmaker’s work.
    All ball jointed dolls do usually have nipples but it is rather odd for a spider XD

  136. I clicked on the link to the flesh-eating larvae (because who doesn’t want to see that?) and at the bottom of the screen under “customers who viewed this item also viewed…” and guess what I saw? Everything you put up a link to! You get the best Amazon suggestions!

  137. I added the pooped pants to my boyfriend’s amazon cart. I know he will thank me.

  138. LOL I actually bought my Grandpa the canned possum for Christmas. He always used to tease me and say we were having possum for dinner .. I’ve never seen him laugh like he laughed when he opened this present 😀

  139. LOL! Someone must have sent one of the Sun-dried Googley eyed porcupine blowfish back as now there are 8. Oh well … will the children have to send a refund? Asking for a friend.

  140. Just so you know the spider doll you are linking is an illegal copy, a so called recast, they are a big problem in the doll making world as artists are losing a lot of money over the counterfeits being sold. The original company is called DollChateau

  142. Some of these are very funny, especially the pants that look like you’ve shit yourself. I wonder if you can get a ponytail for a black labrador, my Dexter would look great.

  144. Growing up my beastie’s house had those puffer fish hung ALL over the living room.
    No googly eyes though, just whatever regular eyes they had (I can’t remember now….maybe glass eyes like a taxidermied animal??)

    I don’t know what that particular design motif is, but it was evidently a “thing”!!

  145. My advanced ESL students are looking at writing reviews this class and I’m showing them the big beach ball because the language on that description is so playful and descriptive! This is going to be funny.

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