Me: Every time I cook something in the microwave it smells like burnt popcorn.
Victor: That’s because you burnt popcorn in it.
Me: Yeah, like, a week ago. It’s like the microwave is holding a grudge. It wasn’t even my fault. I hit the popcorn button and next thing I know there’s a fire. If anything, I’m the one who should be holding a grudge.
Victor: It’s not really normal to fight with microwaves about whose fault it is that you burnt popcorn.
Me: It’s like the microwave is being haunted by The-Ghost-of-Burnt-Popcorn-Past. We might need an exorcism.
Victor: I’m pretty sure we just need you to watch the popcorn when you’re microwaving it.
Me: Or maybe it’s being haunted by The-Ghost-of-Burnt-Popcorn-Future. Because it’s bound to happen again.
Victor: It really doesn’t haveto happen again.
Me: Why can’t our microwave be haunted by the smell of a delicious four-course meal?
Victor: Probably because you don’t microwave four-course meals.
Me: Well, no, because they would just end up smelling like burnt popcorn. This is exactly the reason why I don’t cook.
Victor: Yeah. That’sthe reason.
Me: I mean, get over it, microwave. It’s time to move on. You’re keeping me from baking delicious things.
Victor: You “bake” in an oven. You microwave things in a microwave.
Me: No. Like if I made home-made squash casserole in the microwave I think that’d be baked squash.
Victor: It’s microwaved squashed. Because you microwaved it.
Me: No. It would be “microwaved squash” if it was frozen, pre-packaged squashed made explicitly for the microwave. This is different. It has ingredients.
Victor: It’s just squash.
Me: And salt. And I had to wash the squash, and cut the squash. So yeah, it’s a pretty big deal.
Victor: You microwaved squash.
Me: Stop saying that. You don’t “washing-machine” your clothes. You don’t “oven” a roast. So I didn’t “microwave” fresh squash casserole.
Victor: It’s not a casserole. It’s just squash.
Me: Sometimes I think you hurt me on purpose.
Winner: The microwave. Loser: The Catholic Church, because they refused my offer to pay them for a microwave exorcism. It’s like they don’t want Jesus to have money. This is why people don’t understand the church.