The Fifteenth Argument I Had With Victor This week

Me: Every time I cook something in the microwave it smells like burnt popcorn.

Victor:  That’s because you burnt popcorn in it.

Me:  Yeah, like, a week ago.  It’s like the microwave is holding a grudge.  It wasn’t even my fault.  I hit the popcorn button and next thing I know there’s a fire.  If anything, I’m the one who should be holding a grudge.

Victor:  It’s not really normal to fight with microwaves about whose fault it is that you burnt popcorn.

Me:  It’s like the microwave is being haunted by The-Ghost-of-Burnt-Popcorn-Past. We might need an exorcism.

Victor:  I’m pretty sure we just need you to watch the popcorn when you’re microwaving it.

Me:  Or maybe it’s being haunted by The-Ghost-of-Burnt-Popcorn-Future.  Because it’s bound to happen again.

Victor:  It really doesn’t haveto happen again.

Me:  Why can’t our microwave be haunted by the smell of a delicious four-course meal?

Victor:  Probably because you don’t microwave four-course meals.

Me:  Well, no, because they would just end up smelling like burnt popcorn.  This is exactly the reason why I don’t cook.

Victor:  Yeah.  That’sthe reason.

Me:  I mean, get over it, microwave.  It’s time to move on.  You’re keeping me from baking delicious things.

Victor:  You “bake” in an oven. You microwave things in a microwave.

Me: No.  Like if I made home-made squash casserole in the microwave I think that’d be baked squash.

Victor:  It’s microwaved squashed.  Because you microwaved it.

Me:  No.  It would be “microwaved squash” if it was frozen, pre-packaged squashed made explicitly for the microwave.  This is different.  It has ingredients.

Victor:  It’s just squash.

Me:  And salt.  And I had to wash the squash, and cut the squash.  So yeah, it’s a pretty big deal.

Victor: You microwaved squash.

Me:  Stop saying that.  You don’t “washing-machine” your clothes.  You don’t “oven” a roast.  So I didn’t “microwave” fresh squash casserole.

Victor:  It’s not a casserole.  It’s just squash.

Me: Sometimes I think you hurt me on purpose.

Winner: The microwave.  Loser: The Catholic Church, because they refused my offer to pay them for a microwave exorcism. It’s like they don’t want Jesus to have money.  This is why people don’t understand the church.

94 thoughts on “The Fifteenth Argument I Had With Victor This week

Read comments below or add one.

  1. My husband once had a microwave that randomly started beeping and blinking 666 CHILD on the little display so if anyone needed a microwave exorcism it was probably him. So I mean at least your microwave is only possessed by the ghost of burnt popcorn and not actual demons and/or ghosts?

  2. If Jesus was still around you could get a microwave that smells like wine – but it would probably be burned wine because I never heard of Jesus performing the miracle of un-burning.

  3. Anyone who thinks you don’t microwave a four course meal has never seen me slip into a mug cake frenzy on a Saturday night.

  4. Just say “Victor, you are right. You are always right.” That’ll shut him up. Hmm, wait, maybe he should say that to you.

  5. Lol I love your conversations with Victor. Reading Let’s Pretend This Never Happened Right Now, so I finally learned about how you met him and all your hilarious stories with him. LOVING it!!!

  6. If you microwave a whole potato. It’s still considered a “baked” potato. Right? You can certainly bake in the microwave!

  7. How to Remove the Smell of Burnt Popcorn
    Fill a bowl with 1/2 cup water and 1 tablespoon white vinegar. ◾Microwave it for 4-5 minutes and leave it with the door shut for 10-15 minutes.
    ◾Steam will loosen smell-causing detritus stuck to the walls. Vinegar absorbs odors, even stubborn ones like burnt popcorn smell.
    ◾After the waiting period, remove the bowl and wipe the inside of the microwave down with a paper towel

  8. I’m pretty sure if Jesus could multiply loaves and fishes, he could turn your burned popcorn into a four course meal! Then you could win your argument with Victor! Or something like that…

  9. Lol! I am right there with you Jenny. I don’t know how many innocent bags of popcorn had to die because my microwave’s popcorn button could not be trusted to do its only job correctly. Lol!

  10. The real solution here is to stop eating microwave popcorn and get yourself a WhirlyPop for the stove top. It’s delicious, and much healthier. Just oil, butter, salt and popcorn. 🙂 With the added fun of turning the handle and popping the corn.

  11. Personally, I think you won ALL the arguments. And if you find someone to exorcise your microwave, let me know–I have a ghost with braxism that I need to get rid of…

  12. Great … now I can’t use the excuse that our microwave is haunted and THAT’S why I don’t cook.

  13. Tracy (#10) is right, if lacking in humor. Next step: Wave paper towel over the microwave in the sign of the cross. You can even put on some sort of ceremonial outfit during the process.

  14. I have a popcorn maker and it’s awesome to watch. But I want one like we had as kids. It looked like a weird blender.

  15. The microwave is supposed to be your friend and make things convenient, not hold a grudge because it couldn’t do its job right. It’s making the bad smell because it is trying to blame everything on you. Maybe Victor knows this and is just trying to keep up appearances because he’s afraid the microwave will come after him next!

  16. Just add sauce to the squash. I think at least one ingredient + sauce = casserole by American standards. (Although, I truly don’t understand why casserole is even something someone would consider eating. It sounds like a bloody skirmish. “Grandpa, how did you lose your leg?” “Well, boyo, it was in that awful war at the battle of Casserole. We were surrounded by goblins just as the sky went dark under the squadron of flying attack-porcupines…”

  17. If Jesus made loaves and fishes in your microwave It would still taste like burnt popcorn. Some things even Jesus can’t save.

  18. I have no input on the squash argument because I use cooking terms rather loosely in general (everything I microwaved is something I ‘cooked’ right??) but omg microwave smells are the worst. My mom often heats frozen vegetables in the microwave and the smell of broccoli will linger forever!

  19. I once used the popcorn button on – as luck would have it – a bag of microwave popcorn, and it set the microwave on fire. We just bought a microwave and it, too, has a popcorn button it, and every box of popcorn we buy has “DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON ON MICROWAVE” in huge red letters. We have a breakdown in society on our hands. I don’t think the Church is going to be big enough to help.

  20. The burnt popcorn smell doesn’t just stay in my microwave. It permeates my whole house .It seems to just pop! Up when it decides to remind me that the burnt popcorn smell, is because the popcorn button is useless on the mircrowave. It’s as if the microwave is saying haha sucker! I’m going make you not want popcorn after I burn it

  21. I always agree with your side of the argument, as Victor’s position always relies on facts and reality. Too boring. Funny and creative is SO much more convincing.

  22. I burn my popcorn in a pot on the stove, the old fashioned way. Actually doesn’t burn very often cos you are right there shaking the pot and tastes way better this way. I melt the butter in the microwave, haven’t burnt that yet.

  23. The more things change, the more things stay that Victor is wrong. 😉 Your microwave definitely needs to be depopcornized and once those vegetables get cut up and placed in a baking dish, it’s a casserole! (P.S. Victor, you CAN microwave a casserole!)

    At least you weren’t like my dad who used to do popcorn experiments with his students. He set off the fire alarm once too often, so the fire department told him he wasn’t allowed to play with popcorn any more. Several of his colleagues came to his memorial service and brought popcorn instead of flowers.

  24. “You don’t ‘washing machine’ your clothes.” 🤣🤣🤣 I think I’m going to start calling the microwave the “microwave machine” just so I can use “microwave” as a verb and not feel weird about it.

  25. My husband burns popcorn on purpose. For reals. He likes it that way. Not completely black, just charred. My house smells like burned popcorn almost all the time. It’s our signature fragrance.

  26. Be careful using Tracy (#10)’s recipe: if you heat water in your microwave in order to clean it too often, the microwave guts will rust unseen and one day explode and cause terrifying noises and shooting sparks.

  27. I’m sorry, but that was hilarious! Who would’ve known that such opposite characters could derive such an inopposite interaction: you, your man, the microwave, and the idea of cooking? Reminds me of how simple my life could really be. sigh

  28. Don’t try microwaving a whole squash. Trust me on this. A husband who prefers to remain nameless did it once and the results were spectacular. I bet you and Victor could have fought for a week over it.

  29. If you hit him over the head and then microwaved said head….THAT would be microwaved squash. Your Squash Casserole was definitely more work. Definitely.

  30. Here’s a hint to prevent future arguments. Put the microwave bag on top of a small microwave-safe bowl (I use a Corelle cereal bowl). It will take a little longer to pop, but allowing air flow under the bag will keep the popcorn from burning. The rule of thumb is when it gets to the point where it takes longer than one second (count one-thousand-one) in between pops, it’s time to take it out. This works, trust me, I’ve been doing it for years.

    Of course, my blasted microwave died last week and it’s taking a week to get a new one delivered and installed above the stove so I’m going crazy not having a microwave. 🙁

  31. We have a small, movie-style popcorn maker in our break room at work. I am the keeper of the popcorn kits (otherwise people go crazy and make it all the time – and my boss buys it with his own money, so we can’t supply EVERYONE’S popcorn habit). When I give out the popcorn to “new” people, I tell them, “If you burn it, it’s your last time making it.” They laugh. I tell them I’m not kidding and how much I despise burnt popcorn smell. They look crestfallen. But damn near no one burns the popcorn lest their privileges be taken away.

  32. But the real answer is that you’re putting the unpopped, burnt kernels in the secret room, right? So that many years from now someone can discover it and think they found cremated teeth up there…

  33. I will trade microwaves with you. The 9y-o was messing around with his fabulous new weapon that he can use to pummel burglars with should the need arise, and he accidentally broke the outer covering of our microwave. There is a second layer of plastic in the door, but I am not sure which one holds in the gamma rays. Child said “You could duct tape it.” Yes, but though duct tape is made of miracles, I don’t think it is designed to hold in radiation. I could be wrong. I will let you know if one of us turns green and smashes MORE things.

  34. Why do all microwave machines have popcorn buttons that light them on fire? Why? Why? Why?
    I’m thinking class-action lawsuit here. Only half kidding. This is some fucked-up bullshit.

  35. Don’t spend too much time with your head close to the microwave radiation oven, if it leaks your brain might get cooked…

  36. I just got home from the “day-of-a-thousand-hours” at work, and thought “Gee, I wish The Bloggess would post another one of those great conversations with Victor.” I WIN!

    P.S. In an argument between the woman of the house and the microwave, the microwave is always wrong. Sorry, Victor.

  37. This brings back fond memories of when my daughter accidentally hit the potato button, instead of the popcorn button. We wound up buying a new microwave a month later because the burnt popcorn fried the microwave electronics.

  38. I know what the problem is. Your husband is afflicted with a terrible case of
    “Listening While a Man.” It’s actually not listening at all. It’s where a man has
    an idea, and no matter what you say, he will insist on his idea. There is no
    cute for this. You have to learn how to live with it while working around it.
    Like if he was missing a leg or something. And of course we love them.
    Just don’t forget this handicap.

  39. This has nothing to do with this post but i just want you to know that the bear has gone up to $1149 plus shipping.

  40. Wait a minute…is this a Scottish microwave? Because aren’t you supposed to still be across the Atlantic vacationing and making us all extremely jealous of those cream teas you are ingesting?

  41. Just wanted to let you know I’m on page 11 of let’s pretend this never happened and I am in tears. My five year old thinks I’m a crazy person because I haven’t been able to stop cackling since I opened this damn book.

  42. This is completely off the walk but Ik y’all will understand cause we all get that way but everyone should read Mark Masons new book or if you don’t like to read or can’t focus that long then listen to the podcasts! It’s like Pandora’s box to my mind! We all just care about too much stupid shit that makes us panicked and depressed. It’s mind blowing :p

  43. This is twice as funny if you read Victor’s comments in Gordon Ramsey’s voice.

  44. I’ve gone back to popping corn on the stove. Shake, rattle and roll. Pour about a tablespoon on oil in the pan. Cover the bottom with popcorn (for the uninitiated – UNpopped kernels). Shake it a few times while the oil heats up so all the kernels get covered in the oil. When you hear the first kernel pop, shake vigorously for a couple of seconds. When you hear a few more pop, shake, rattle and roll until you don’t hear anymore pops after 4-5 seconds. If you burn this, you won’t be able to blame the microwave anymore – your whole house will be frigging haunted for a couple of days. Good things it’s summer – open the windows and doors and turn on the fans. Burned popcorn is still good – slather with microwaved butter and loads of salt. Use a separate bowl for those who like other crap on it.

    Now I want popcorn.

  45. A paper towel soaked in vinegar works as a good exorcism for demon smells in microwaves.

  46. JANET COBURN #38 YOU CRACKED ME UP! Jenny had me grinning so wide it hurt…each successive comment had me strangling a chuckle… and you sent me over the edge.
    A whole squash!? I don’t suppose you got pictures, did you? << GRIN >>

  47. I might not “washing machine” my clothes, but my then 3-year-old son asked me once when I would be done “brooming” the floor.

    Toddler logic for the win!

  48. My microwave beeps regardless of whether you open the door before it finishes or not. If I have 3 seconds left and I open the door, six LOOOONG beeps to let me know it’s done. Like 20 seconds worth of beeping. If I let it go to the end of time, same thing. If I cancel everything before it’s done, same thing. I hate my microwave. You can’t make secret midnight snacks in a microwave that beeps no matter what you do with it.

  49. I set the office microwave on fire making popcorn. My reputation as the microwave killer lingered long after the smell.

  50. To get rid of the burt popcorn smell, might I suggest “microwaving” a fresh trout? That’ll do it FO SHO.

  51. I read this, and could only think of an odd product I saw recently – the Angry Mama Microwave cleaner. I mean, look at her. She’d tell off your obviously haunted microwave in a hot minute.

  52. You could always hold a grudge match set between your microwave and some tin foil! That might be an interesting exorcism all in itself! Let’s get ready to rumble! Oh, also, you might want to make popcorn to eat prior to watching the grudge match. Just saying…

  53. I suggested at work that we needed to add a benefit of exorcism coverage. If one of us gets possesssed, we would have a benefit kick in to have the exorcism performed. That suggestion got me moved to the fifth floor where no one works and i sit in a cube in the corner by myself.

  54. I love this!! I’ve been talking about you to my drug rehab patients. I would love to share some of your books with them!

  55. I had a microwave a few years ago that randomly turned itself on one day. When I checked it it continued to run with the door open. So I unplugged it and shut the door and it turned on again. While it was UNPLUGGED. That thing was 1000% possessed. I poured a ring of salt around it and waited for my husband to come home and remove the demon microwave. It was too heavy for me to lift.

  56. I’ve never come across a microwave with a popcorn button over here (UK). Maybe it’s more of an American thing?

  57. No wonder my husband gets upset with me when he cleans snow off the driveway and I tell his mother he blows the driveway! I should be saying he is “snowblows” the driveway! I think this just goes to prove English does not always have a word for everything.

  58. On a semi related note I bought this thing called a Cozy Buddy. It’s blue and has some crap inside it. Not sure what it is. Anyhoo, you microwave it for a minute and put it on your head, neck, whatever is stiff or sore. Wakes amazing. So much better than heating pads. And it’s super flexible so you can wrap it around body parts.

    But the SMELL. It’s smells like burn popcorn to the 100th power! And something else. Oats? Wheat? Sand? I’m not sure what it’s contents are but they smell odd. And so does the microwave.

    But I keep using it because I like it for migraines. I’m a glutton for punishment.

  59. Admittedly I am too lazy to read the 80 comments before mine. But I will say that I can help you exorcise your microwave for free. Put some water and lemon juice in a coffee cup and bake it in the microwave for 3 to 4 minutes. Wait a few minutes for it to cool off before you take it out or it may go all demonic on you and pop at you.

    Repeat for a few more minutes with a higher concentration of lemon juice. This has been known to make the burnt popcorn demons leave the premises.

  60. I think there’s a “bake” button on the micro – just check. And if there isn’t, get some white-out, a superfine Sharpie, and some clear nail polish…

  61. Because of Victor I’m still afraid to sit on couches because apparently I do it wrong too so it all his fault for burnt popcorn. If he had made you popcorn maybe it wouldn’t have burnt

  62. And LOOK, Jesus would be totally responsible with his money–help a guy out!

  63. SOLUTION: Stick an open box of baking soda in the microwave for few days. DO NOT BAKE/MICROWAVE THE BAKING SODA or you will provoke it and everything will get much, much worse.

    In a few days, the smell will have transferred to the baking soda. Then you just douse it in holy water, say a few prayers, and bury it in the backyard. #exorcism

  64. The ghost in the hidden attic space is clearly the source of the lingering burnt popcorn smell. I mean, didn’t you find a CORN nut up there? Also, Catholics really want money more for Mary than for Jesus, so try reframing your offer to them.

  65. Just wondering as I read the posts, anyone have an idea on a workaround to use on my android tablet like I’m on my desktop without downloading and installing an app? I heard you can type a URL and the site will think your tablet is a desktop. Any ideas? Just curious because as I read these posts I realize some streaming content isn’t working. I’m reading from a company tablet and don’t want to start downloading and changing things. 😉

  66. Same thing as above, but for The website keeps taking me to an app download page but I can access full pandora radio on my desktop! Help?

  67. How about burning sage in the microwave – it will cleanse your home of the evil spirit?

  68. Growing up we always said that anything put in the microwave was ‘nuked.’ Which is way more awesome than baked, if you ask me.

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