Actual phone call I took today:
Him: Hello Miss Jenny Lawson. I am calling from Health and Human Services. Your government is giving you a grant you do not have to repay for $14,588. You were selected because you pay your taxes on time and do not have a criminal record. Congratulations!
me: But I do have a criminal record.
Him: Ma’am, have you murdered anyone?
me: Yes, but they haven’t found all the bodies yet.
Him: *click*
Call from the same number, different guy, 2 hours later:
Him: Hello Miss Jenny Lawson. I’m calling from Health and Human Services. You are being given a grant for $14,588 because you pay your taxes on time and have no criminal record and your government wants to reward you and 5,000 other selected people. How does that sound?
me: But I do have a criminal record.
Him: Ma’am, have you murdered someone?
me: Yes, but only because they tried to steal money from me using a phone scam.
Him: …Oh.
me: Yeah.
Him: Ma’am, are you married?
me: Yep.
Him: You should divorce your husband and marry me.
me: Well this took a turn.
Him: I’m serious. I only took this job to find a smart woman who could match me intellectually. That woman is you.
me: I’m gonna pass but if you could remove me from your list I would really appreciate it. You’re wasting my time and yours.
Him: True love is never a waste of time.
And that’s the weirdest phone call I’ve gotten all week.