So, I just got proposed to.

Actual phone call I took today:

Him: Hello Miss Jenny Lawson.  I am calling from Health and Human Services.  Your government is giving you a grant you do not have to repay for $14,588.  You were selected because you pay your taxes on time and do not have a criminal record.  Congratulations!

me: But I do have a criminal record.

Him:  Ma’am, have you murdered anyone?

me:  Yes, but they haven’t found all the bodies yet.

Him:  *click*

Call from the same number, different guy, 2 hours later:

Him:  Hello Miss Jenny Lawson.  I’m calling from Health and Human Services.  You are being given a grant for $14,588 because you pay your taxes on time and have no criminal record and your government wants to reward you and 5,000 other selected people.  How does that sound?

me: But I do have a criminal record.

Him: Ma’am, have you murdered someone?

me:  Yes, but only because they tried to steal money from me using a phone scam.

Him: …Oh.

me:  Yeah.

Him: Ma’am, are you married?

me:  Yep.

Him: You should divorce your husband and marry me.

me:  Well this took a turn.

Him:  I’m serious.  I only took this job to find a smart woman who could match me intellectually.  That woman is you.

me:  I’m gonna pass but if you could remove me from your list I would really appreciate it.  You’re wasting my time and yours.

Him:  True love is never a waste of time.

 

And that’s the weirdest phone call I’ve gotten all week.

 

 

 

132 replies. read them below or add one

  1. So, I’m still second in line, after what’s-his-name?

    Liked by 7 people

  2. Wow, I wish the crap calls I get from spammers and scammers were as funny as that. You’re winning today Jenny.

    Liked by 5 people

    Gaz recently posted Old Bay Panko Crab Cakes.

  3. 3
    Leora Wambach

    Is your life even real?

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I’ve never had a phone scam person propose to me. Obviously, I am living my life wrong.

    Liked by 8 people

    theycallmetater recently posted My Week in Books, TV and Movies 10/27/18.

  5. 7
    Kathy Anderson

    Glad you got one with a sense of humor 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Bwa ha ha ha! That is awesome.

    Like

  7. That is utterly amazing!!! “ true love is never a waste of time” from a phone scam is the best thing I’ve heard in a Long time!

    Liked by 5 people

  8. And the week’s not even offically over yet! There’s still a couple more hours left to get an even weirder one! 🤣🤣

    Liked by 4 people

    romcomdojo recently posted Butter Off Dead.

  9. I’ll marry that guy.

    Like

  10. You should have told him you wanted money for a wedding outfit first; once the $14,000 arrives you can discuss the actual wedding date.

    Liked by 6 people

  11. My hero. ❤

    Like

  12. You can tell he was hopeful from the get-go because he called you Miss

    Liked by 2 people

  13. I wonder if he was calling from one of those urban legend phone numbers you should never call (check YouTube).

    Like

    Mamacita recently posted Taco Bell It Is!.

  14. You’re almost enticing me to start answering my phone. Can you give us some more of these convo starters so I’ll be ready for anything?

    Liked by 5 people

    Jodie Utter recently posted No Longer Sorry: A Long Overdue New Rally Cry For The Warrior In Each Of Us.

  15. He wins best phone scammer ever. Plus he was right true love is never a waist of time.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I’m so stealing this response to scammers😂

    Like

  17. 20
    Another Jenny

    I got a call trying to sell me something using my father’s name.
    Me: That is my father and he has been dead 11 years and never lived at this house or been associated with this phone number.
    them: …Would YOU be interested in this product?
    Me: no. Really? no.

    Liked by 5 people

  18. I love it! I quit talking to the phone scammers. It bothered my husband how quickly I could tell lies and spin tales.

    Liked by 2 people

  19. Amazing!

    Like

  20. And I thought pretending I spoke only German when those guys call was funny… uff-dah! I need to up my game!

    Liked by 1 person

    theladygnome recently posted Murder.

  21. Almost as good as, “I’m sorry – you’re mumbling – can you repeat that…” say that as many times as it takes to realllllly sink in. It’s fun to count and see how many times it takes:)

    Liked by 1 person

  22. 25
    A Nony Mouse

    I see I am making a mistake when I hang up on phone scammers. I should play with them. You are a great role model, Jenny. I did have a great conversation about dogs the other day when I called my cable company about a problem with my internet, though. So there’s that.

    Liked by 2 people

  23. Wow, the best I managed with a repeat telemarketer was convincing them that our company, a small family owned business, had no executives, no payroll dept, no IT department, and that we didn’t know where our paychecks came from. “They just arrive.” By the time I was done they were basically in tears.

    Liked by 2 people

  24. Jenny,

    If this guy calls you back, interview him for your blog. I sure want to know more.

    Liked by 2 people

  25. My husband likes to tell the phone scammers that he’s “not wearing any pants”. That usually cuts the conversation short.

    Liked by 4 people

  26. Your days are numbered, Victor!

    Liked by 1 person

  27. At least he has a sense of humor! That is a rare bird indeed, among the flock of telemarket scams!

    Liked by 1 person

  28. I will be telling that one to the fam tonight!

    Like

  29. Sadly, while that is a marvelous technique, I won’t be able to use it as all the scam calls I get are from robots. Or space monsters. Or Terminators. I don’t really know what they are, but not human.

    Liked by 1 person

  30. Hahahaha! From phone scam to suitor!

    Liked by 1 person

    Andrea Gillies recently posted The stressiest stress test.

  31. 35
    Athena Detrempe

    But I wonder what he would have said if you’d said yes! LOL

    Like

  32. Baaaa haaa haa haaa! I love it! I had someone leave a message for me the other day, saying that I owed back taxes (I do not). I called them back, asked them to explain the situation then asked for their name so I could just run it by the local police and make sure it wasn’t a scam (which I knew it was). The man on the phone got so mad at me he used some very choice words and then hung up. I called back two more times, got two different people. The second guy also had some very nasty words for me (which just made me laugh) but the third guy just apologized and then hung up. I feel like that was a win for me!

    Like

  33. I live this so much!

    Like

  34. They haven’t found all the bodies yet? They need to go to Belize… remember that time in Belize!

    Liked by 1 person

  35. Strangest and best conversation! hahahaha! I love that he understands you and your humor.

    Like

  36. Just the weirdest one this week….not like the weirdest one ever. I love you Jenny Lawson (but I won’t awkwardly propose to you.)

    Liked by 2 people

  37. I don’t answer my phone if I don’t recognize the number.
    That changes today.
    rubs hands together like every scheming evil genius in every movie or cartoon ever

    Liked by 1 person

    OwnLessDoMore recently posted Born to run? You’d have thought so, but no. It was harder than that..

  38. Him: You should divorce your husband and marry me

    You: Do you have a large life insurance policy?

    Liked by 7 people

  39. Wow…. you are just perfection Jenny. I wish we were friends. Your experiences are hysterical. I live vicariously through you. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  40. You have all the fun!!!

    Like

  41. I want to grow up and be you some day! That is epic!

    Like

  42. That is hilarious!

    Like

  43. If all you get are the computer monsters, I highly recommend signing up for Nomorobo.
    It’s free! for landlines ( please tell me I’ m not the only one of those, it still works if the power goes out, and the reception’s a lot better). The version for cell phones isn’t stellar, but the landline version…just one ring, and the call goes >POOF!< That isn’t anywhere near as much fun as a proposal, but the computer monsters aren’t half so romantic!
    That having been said, Victor, watch your back…

    Like

  44. Weirdest call… This week only?

    Like

  45. This post absolutely made my entire week. ❤

    Like

    mindyqs recently posted Summer Writing.

  46. I think I love that guy. He believes in True Love.

    Liked by 1 person

    Shannon akaMonty recently posted WOO! BOOK REVIEW!.

  47. I did not expect that. Only you could turn a phone scam into a marriage proposal.

    Liked by 2 people

    Adie // The Cupcake Witch recently posted Friday Free-For-All: Follow Friday.

  48. You win the telephone call lottery!

    Like

  49. This is fabulous! BAHAHAHA! Thank you, Jenny! 😂

    Like

  50. I got the EXACT same call…but my response wasn’t nearly as awesome as yours…

    Like

  51. I have never been proposed to by a stranger on the phone. The best I can claim is a telemarketer who told me he loved me. I’m still to shy to say it back.

    Liked by 1 person

  52. You have to hand it to him. True love IS NEVER a waste of time

    Liked by 2 people

  53. All I get is the IRS has issued an warrent on my name and local law enforcement will arrest me if I don’t call back within 24 hours.

    Liked by 3 people

  54. I’m going to use this – except when he asks if I’ve murdedered anyone I’m going to say,”Yes, both my previous husbands.”

    Liked by 1 person

  55. 60
    Jessica Ramesch

    Did he sound Nigerian? Those Nigerian princes must have super sexy accents cuz why else would you give them your social security number? Personally I only offer mine to men with posh British accents (and they’re SO polite when they refuse it) but hey,one woman’s kryptonite…

    Liked by 2 people

  56. I can’t wait until the Nigerian Prince calls you.

    Liked by 1 person

  57. He only heard what his heart allowed him to, and that was a sarcastically smart woman on the other end. I’m sure had Victor heard you talking on the phone he would have been to say the least, perturbed. lol
    I love your response to the first caller though, classic Jenny!

    Liked by 2 people

    thehuntress915 recently posted Charming Part 4….The Emotional Vampire Disguised as Prince Charming.

  58. Wow. Weeeird…

    Like

  59. phone call at work:
    me: not buying any ads thanks
    him: you don’t want to make more money?
    me: we dont know what to do with all were making now, so…
    him: (pause) can you help a brother out?

    he was fun

    have also told callers: we don’t have a phone

    Liked by 3 people

  60. If this is the weirdest call you got this week, it makes me wonder what your weirdest call of the month is, or even the year.

    Liked by 2 people

  61. And also, the longer you keep them engaged (see what I did there?) the less time they have to scam other people.

    Liked by 1 person

  62. That’s literally the best phone scam I’ve ever heard. A while ago I got something similar but I’m not as clever as you so I just said “Fck off” to which the telemarketer responded “No, YOU fck off!” and then we swore at each other some more until I hung up on him. True romance.

    Liked by 2 people

    mydangblog recently posted My Week 213: Speaking My Mind, I Am Your Sunshine.

  63. That’s awesome. I wonder if it’s the same guy who called me about my “serious computer Trojan issue”. A good laugh was had by all and he complemented my quick wit. He called me a few months later to ask if I remembered him and If we could please at least be fb friends. That was so weird. If he calls you back, please ask him!

    Like

  64. He’s the Wesley/Dread Pirate Roberts of telemarketing.

    Liked by 1 person

  65. Don’t do it! These phone voices will never wear a clearance Halloween costume for you, pirate or not. And they’re so hard to fit properly.

    Liked by 2 people

  66. Am I late to the party? Am I within your 5000 closest friends list?

    Like

  67. I got a call last week from a woman who sounded like a recording. So when she asked for me I asked if she was a real person. She confirmed she was and I apologized saying she sounded like a recording. She told me she gets that a lot.

    Like

  68. Your callers are a lot more entertaining than mine. The last one wanted to offer me the chance to get a new front door which would cut down our heating bills. She asked how old our door is and I said over 150 years. She asked if I lived in a conservation area and when I said no she asked if the door was made of wood or pvc. I said: ‘It’s over 150 years old – don’t think pvc had been invented.’ She said we could have a new door and I said I didn’t want a new door, our door is just fine, thank you very much.

    Like

  69. Why don’t my Spammy phone calls ever go this way?!

    Like

    Jeanie Tortoisefly recently posted Someday, when I'm a grown-up - an open letter to Wil Wheaton.

  70. Wow… LOL!!

    Like

  71. Ummm, so have you decided where you’re going to register? Or is that premature? I’m just going to be sitting over here.

    Liked by 2 people

  72. may i have your phone number? Please….

    Liked by 1 person

  73. You’ve inspired me to write a script and keep it handy by the phone. My day would have been less boring.

    Liked by 1 person

  74. I can’t believe you turned him down. I suppose you’d turn down a Nigerian Prince too! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    Kat recently posted Have You Hugged A Kangaroo Today?.

  75. Thanks for making me laugh. I’m having too much social anxiety to go to a going away party for my absolutely lovely manager who is only leaving to live closer to her family. I know I should go, I know I should say good bye, but I’m newish and haven’t really made any work friends even though everyone is friendly but I’m so awkward and scared at parties. I just don’t want to drive 30 minutes anxiously thinking about the party so I can stay for 10 minutes before bolting and drive another 30 thinking how embarrassing it all was. Sorry, I just needed to vent, in a safe place, and here is always safe. Thank you for making it so.

    Liked by 1 person

  76. I just don’t answer, but that’s because you’re much funnier than I could ever be messing with these guys. 🙂

    Like

  77. I was once proposed to if I would buy a guy a case of beer. He did offer to share it with me but I had to pass….I was already married to a guy who shared his beer with me. I don’t like beer so it wasn’t much of an incentive. But still….

    Liked by 3 people

    Mrs. Completely recently posted He Who Laughs Last…..

  78. Jenny, I got rid of my problem calls very easily. I used the forward feature and punched in a totally random number. I haven’t had a phone call in over a year. It’s wonderful. My phone works fine for texting which is more fun anyway.

    Like

  79. Jenny, I got rid of my problem calls very easily. I used the forward feature and punched in a totally random number. I haven’t had a phone call in over a year. It’s wonderful. My phone works fine for texting which is more fun anyway.

    Like

  80. This is like that date from hell, in that less is more when interacting with them. Hang up, don’t press any numbers that they might give you to unregister because surprise this just puts you on an Active list to spam!
    Instead-
    The National Do Not Call registry is free at 888-382-1222 or go to donotcall.gov.

    Once in the system, you don’t have to re-register, per this page:

    https://www.consumer.ftc.gov/articles/0108-national-do-not-call-registry

    Like

  81. 86
    eleventhpercent

    Any chance you could give me his number?

    Liked by 2 people

  82. I’m jealous, the phone call I keep getting is only for a grant of $9,000. And I NEVER get proposed to…

    Liked by 2 people

  83. Wuv, Twue Wuv…

    Liked by 3 people

  84. “True love is never a waste of time.” He’s got you there, you’ve gotta give him points for love.

    Liked by 3 people

    Wendy Weir recently posted Bleeding Out.

  85. I stopped taking the scammers’ calls a couple years ago, because all I got were the Indian “IT guys” and it was getting boring. But I DID get 1 guy to tell me that Bill Gates was not authorized to fix my Windows computer!

    Liked by 3 people

  86. 91
    AJ-The Short One

    All I can say is Thank You…… can’t breathe…laughing too hard….

    Liked by 1 person

  87. My husbamd always messes with them, tells them he has no credit cards, asks what a FICO score is, and they drop their masks right away, call him all the choice words. He just laughs until they hang up on him. Good for you…I just won’t answer my phone.

    Liked by 2 people

  88. My phone calls are never so exciting. Oh, wait, you have to answer the phone for them to be exciting? Well, there’s my problem.

    Liked by 1 person

    reneewittman recently posted Pumpkin Carving!.

  89. I had a scammer call me a few years ago. I don’t remember how we got off topic of him trying to scam me. I was making pizza for dinner. He asked me what I put on pizza. I named a couple of things then said BACON. He told me in his saddest voice he doesn’t eat pork. He then asked me about the weather and we were having a snowstorm. He told me he had never seen snow. We were talking for about 1/2 hour. He then asked if he could call me back sometime. He called me again the next two days. I never heard from him again after that.

    Liked by 2 people

  90. I had one phone scammer call me and ask me if I was married. When I said yes, he asked me if I liked to go out and party. I did (and do) not. His response? “Aw…just cuz you’re married doesn’t mean you can’t go out and have a little fun with me.” Uh no. Nope nope nope. I also had a guy try to scam me out of 700 bucks. Nope.

    Liked by 1 person

    mommatrek recently posted I am a TERRIBLE person..but they kind of deserved it.

  91. I always say, hello my little hindu friend to the foreign sounding telemarketers.
    one replyed, I am not hindu, I am Christian, you son of a bitch.
    he then proceded to swear at me, poor english. I asked him to translate into hindu, because I wanted to become bilingual.
    next thing I knew, there were 2 or 3 telemarketers swearing in English and some other language, all together
    it was quite amuseing

    Liked by 1 person

  92. Now I feel left out because my scam phone calls are never this much fun. Just to be clear, I mean the scam phone calls I receive. I don’t make scam phone calls myself.

    Liked by 1 person

    Library Heather recently posted In which I discover libraries supporting health and wellness – Part 1..

  93. It’s probably a good thing I don’t have your phone number.

    Liked by 1 person

  94. 99
    Carey Rellis

    Thank God that’s the weirdest call you’ve gotten all week.

    Like

  95. I once got a telemarketer who said she could save me money on my insurance. I asked her how she knew what I was paying for my insurance, so she was so certain she could do any better. She said :um, I don’t know… I’m not very good at this, I guess. I actually felt a little bad for her.

    Like

  96. Wow! Clearly he doesn’t know Victor. I had a telemarketer call back and leave a message to tell me how incredibly rude I was. I was vacuuming at the time and didn’t hear the phone, so I missed the opportunity to interact with him again. I don’t think it was a love match. https://possumscatsthingsgnawingatme.wordpress.com/2018/10/27/we-cant-keep-track/

    Like

  97. Oh, that was funny. I always want to mess with them, but I forget to when I answer the phone. Sometimes when I do look at the caller name or number on the phone, I will answer it as (insert town name) police department. We usually hear a click on the other end.

    Like

  98. After getting 4 calls in 15 minutes from the same people, I answered the phone and claimed to be my own sister. I told them the real “Me” was in jail, but I should be getting out soon…after all it was self-defense. I got the telemarketer to agree that the self-defense argument should mean a speedy release from jail. They never called back.
    Also, telling the TV/cable service sales people that you don’t have TV because the devil comes through the wires is an objection they have not been trained to overcome.

    Like

  99. That is freaking fantastic! If you got his call-back number, let me know. winkwink*

    Like

  100. Most of us wish we could think of these retorts at the time. You do, which is awesome. But this man called back several hours and recreated the conversation just to live that dream. That is just admirable. I mean bit slow on the uptake if it took that long, but admirable nevertheless.

    Like

  101. This is amazing. I wish I could be that calm and cool in these kind of situations. The last time someone tried to phone scam me I almost let the log into my computer screen remotely. That’s when I realized and started yelling abort! And dropped my phone like a hot potato.

    Like

  102. This just made me laugh on a day when I really needed one. Well done.

    Like

  103. See, I want to respond to the scam emails I receive like I did to my Craig’s List scammer but I’m fearful it will add a virus to my computer. Someday I’m going to get super drunk and just have at it.

    Like

  104. I once put someone on hold (a solicitor call) while we ate dinner. The caller was still there when we finished. He knew what I’d done but could see the humor in it and I was amazed he was still on the line. I still detest that kind of call, but we all got a laugh from that one.

    Like

  105. We’re looking for a sales person at work. Can you please send me that guy’s number?

    Like

  106. You have inspired me, Jenny. I am going to start talking about my rash the next time a telemarketer calls me.

    Like

  107. 112
    Joe Passarelli

    True Love is too a waste of time. No arguing, fights, heartache, or cheating… Who needs it? Marriage counselor would go out of business. So would Private detectives. We need to look out for them, ya know…

    Like

  108. I have had few weird phone calls. My mom ,my sister ,and I were watching of all things a Peter Sellers Pink Panther movie. The phone rang I answered it and man ( I’m totally NOT kidding!) asked for FooFee. The second was a series of calls by a confused older lady who adamantly insisted I was her pharmacy. She called me six times,and each time I kindly told her it was not a pharmacy and that I was not,not had I EVER been a pharmacist,nor had I gone to pharmacology school..

    Like

  109. You are both and gifted and cursed with a life of unique & curious events

    Like

  110. You are both and gifted and cursed with a life of unique & curious events

    Like

  111. But that’s awesome! I love his optimism. “True love is never a waste of time.” He’s pushing it to the limit!

    Like

  112. OMG! That is hilarious!! I can’t believe some of these scammers!

    Like

    Lisa Orchard recently posted New From Iris Blobel! Check it out!.

  113. he sounds lke a keeper. Would your husband need to know?

    How come you get the cool phone scammers and the rest of us get little indian men who sound like peder sellersss…

    Like

    judyt54 recently posted We Get Too Many Political Calls Anyway.

  114. I also was in receipt of a caller saying that I owed back taxes (yup, I do) and that, through very broken English, stated that if I don’t deposit $5000 into an account then the authorities would come and handcuff me—to his surprise, I was very excited, I started jumping up and down and said “jail–great!! I have 7 kids, 4 dogs, 2 goats and jail to me is a vacation!! Somebody to cook for me, do my laundry, no dusting, no kids, and no homework!!! Yipppeeeee!!! Can you be here by 5 so I don’t have to drop anybody off at football, dance and bible school??!!” Click…….that was the highlight of my day, and I was a tad disappointed when nobody came and got me….

    Like

  115. I call shenanigans … that can’t be THE weirdest call all week. 🙂
    Well done though.

    Like

  116. I usually just tell them I am dead and this is my sister…amazing how many then try to sell stuff to my grieving sister. I also ask them what they’re wearing if I am home…then it gets weird and murdery.

    Like

  117. Every time a salesman would call my dad and try to pitch a product my dad would tell him he already bought it and go on and on about how great the product was. The salesman would be begging to get off the phone.

    Like

  118. Heard your voice on a commercial last night! It was for audible and the premise of the commercial was a highschool girl having a rough time, getting picked up by her mom. And the mom, to cheer the daughter up, started playing Lets Pretend this Never Happened. I pretty much squealed at the tv.

    Like

  119. I had to laugh. Second dude was persistent, wasn’t he?

    Like

  120. Lol!! My scam calls are never like that!

    Like

  121. The most amazing part of this story is that you actually answered the phone when you didn’t know who was calling.

    Like

  122. 128
    Donna C Waldron

    I have gotten the same phone call several times. I now act really surprised and excited. Then I tell them that since I have to write a check to the IRS each and every year, they should just credit my social security number and I will not pay taxes until the money has all been used up. That is when they hang up on me.

    Like

  123. This is hilarious! I get this exact call constantly. I answer them now just to have fun with them. After they say who they are I give them their pitch before they do. They hang up on me!

    Like

  124. I was proposed to over the phone by accident once! I was in college (at a conservative Christian school where dorms weren’t co-ed, and we had a curfew, which is why this is a phone call and not in person). I’d been asleep for a while and then the phone rang at like 4am. I answered, and it was some dude immediately started playing guitar and singing some song he’d written about how much he loves me. I had no idea what was happening – I’m half asleep, so I just listened. At the end he says,”I love you so much, other girl’s name. Will you marry me?” And I finally realized it was a wrong number. I said, “I’m SO sorry, but I’m not girl’s name. You have the wrong number…but I’m sure she’ll love the song!!! It was beautiful!”
    Guy is super upset…explains that he’d written the song, timed the call for the exact time his girlfriend was born, but was nervous and must have dialed the wrong #. His whole plan is shot.

    I felt so bad for him. I never even got his name. No idea what happened with the proposal after that.

    Like

  125. 132
    lasharring@aol.com

    hilarious!!!!!!

    Like

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