So, I just got proposed to.

Actual phone call I took today:

Him: Hello Miss Jenny Lawson.  I am calling from Health and Human Services.  Your government is giving you a grant you do not have to repay for $14,588.  You were selected because you pay your taxes on time and do not have a criminal record.  Congratulations!

me: But I do have a criminal record.

Him:  Ma’am, have you murdered anyone?

me:  Yes, but they haven’t found all the bodies yet.

Him:  *click*

Call from the same number, different guy, 2 hours later:

Him:  Hello Miss Jenny Lawson.  I’m calling from Health and Human Services.  You are being given a grant for $14,588 because you pay your taxes on time and have no criminal record and your government wants to reward you and 5,000 other selected people.  How does that sound?

me: But I do have a criminal record.

Him: Ma’am, have you murdered someone?

me:  Yes, but only because they tried to steal money from me using a phone scam.

Him: …Oh.

me:  Yeah.

Him: Ma’am, are you married?

me:  Yep.

Him: You should divorce your husband and marry me.

me:  Well this took a turn.

Him:  I’m serious.  I only took this job to find a smart woman who could match me intellectually.  That woman is you.

me:  I’m gonna pass but if you could remove me from your list I would really appreciate it.  You’re wasting my time and yours.

Him:  True love is never a waste of time.

 

And that’s the weirdest phone call I’ve gotten all week.

 

 

 

132 thoughts on “So, I just got proposed to.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Wow, I wish the crap calls I get from spammers and scammers were as funny as that. You’re winning today Jenny.

  2. That is utterly amazing!!! “ true love is never a waste of time” from a phone scam is the best thing I’ve heard in a Long time!

  3. I got a call trying to sell me something using my father’s name.
    Me: That is my father and he has been dead 11 years and never lived at this house or been associated with this phone number.
    them: …Would YOU be interested in this product?
    Me: no. Really? no.

  4. I love it! I quit talking to the phone scammers. It bothered my husband how quickly I could tell lies and spin tales.

  5. Almost as good as, “I’m sorry – you’re mumbling – can you repeat that…” say that as many times as it takes to realllllly sink in. It’s fun to count and see how many times it takes:)

  6. I see I am making a mistake when I hang up on phone scammers. I should play with them. You are a great role model, Jenny. I did have a great conversation about dogs the other day when I called my cable company about a problem with my internet, though. So there’s that.

  7. Wow, the best I managed with a repeat telemarketer was convincing them that our company, a small family owned business, had no executives, no payroll dept, no IT department, and that we didn’t know where our paychecks came from. “They just arrive.” By the time I was done they were basically in tears.

  8. My husband likes to tell the phone scammers that he’s “not wearing any pants”. That usually cuts the conversation short.

  9. At least he has a sense of humor! That is a rare bird indeed, among the flock of telemarket scams!

  10. Sadly, while that is a marvelous technique, I won’t be able to use it as all the scam calls I get are from robots. Or space monsters. Or Terminators. I don’t really know what they are, but not human.

  11. Baaaa haaa haa haaa! I love it! I had someone leave a message for me the other day, saying that I owed back taxes (I do not). I called them back, asked them to explain the situation then asked for their name so I could just run it by the local police and make sure it wasn’t a scam (which I knew it was). The man on the phone got so mad at me he used some very choice words and then hung up. I called back two more times, got two different people. The second guy also had some very nasty words for me (which just made me laugh) but the third guy just apologized and then hung up. I feel like that was a win for me!

  12. Strangest and best conversation! hahahaha! I love that he understands you and your humor.

  13. I don’t answer my phone if I don’t recognize the number.
    That changes today.
    rubs hands together like every scheming evil genius in every movie or cartoon ever

  14. Him: You should divorce your husband and marry me

    You: Do you have a large life insurance policy?

  15. Wow…. you are just perfection Jenny. I wish we were friends. Your experiences are hysterical. I live vicariously through you. 🙂

  16. If all you get are the computer monsters, I highly recommend signing up for Nomorobo.
    It’s free! for landlines ( please tell me I’ m not the only one of those, it still works if the power goes out, and the reception’s a lot better). The version for cell phones isn’t stellar, but the landline version…just one ring, and the call goes >POOF!< That isn’t anywhere near as much fun as a proposal, but the computer monsters aren’t half so romantic!
    That having been said, Victor, watch your back…

  17. I have never been proposed to by a stranger on the phone. The best I can claim is a telemarketer who told me he loved me. I’m still to shy to say it back.

  18. I’m going to use this – except when he asks if I’ve murdedered anyone I’m going to say,”Yes, both my previous husbands.”

  19. Did he sound Nigerian? Those Nigerian princes must have super sexy accents cuz why else would you give them your social security number? Personally I only offer mine to men with posh British accents (and they’re SO polite when they refuse it) but hey,one woman’s kryptonite…

  20. He only heard what his heart allowed him to, and that was a sarcastically smart woman on the other end. I’m sure had Victor heard you talking on the phone he would have been to say the least, perturbed. lol
    I love your response to the first caller though, classic Jenny!

  21. phone call at work:
    me: not buying any ads thanks
    him: you don’t want to make more money?
    me: we dont know what to do with all were making now, so…
    him: (pause) can you help a brother out?

    he was fun

    have also told callers: we don’t have a phone

  22. If this is the weirdest call you got this week, it makes me wonder what your weirdest call of the month is, or even the year.

  23. And also, the longer you keep them engaged (see what I did there?) the less time they have to scam other people.

  24. That’s literally the best phone scam I’ve ever heard. A while ago I got something similar but I’m not as clever as you so I just said “Fck off” to which the telemarketer responded “No, YOU fck off!” and then we swore at each other some more until I hung up on him. True romance.

  25. That’s awesome. I wonder if it’s the same guy who called me about my “serious computer Trojan issue”. A good laugh was had by all and he complemented my quick wit. He called me a few months later to ask if I remembered him and If we could please at least be fb friends. That was so weird. If he calls you back, please ask him!

  26. Don’t do it! These phone voices will never wear a clearance Halloween costume for you, pirate or not. And they’re so hard to fit properly.

  27. I got a call last week from a woman who sounded like a recording. So when she asked for me I asked if she was a real person. She confirmed she was and I apologized saying she sounded like a recording. She told me she gets that a lot.

  28. Your callers are a lot more entertaining than mine. The last one wanted to offer me the chance to get a new front door which would cut down our heating bills. She asked how old our door is and I said over 150 years. She asked if I lived in a conservation area and when I said no she asked if the door was made of wood or pvc. I said: ‘It’s over 150 years old – don’t think pvc had been invented.’ She said we could have a new door and I said I didn’t want a new door, our door is just fine, thank you very much.

  29. Ummm, so have you decided where you’re going to register? Or is that premature? I’m just going to be sitting over here.

  30. You’ve inspired me to write a script and keep it handy by the phone. My day would have been less boring.

  31. Thanks for making me laugh. I’m having too much social anxiety to go to a going away party for my absolutely lovely manager who is only leaving to live closer to her family. I know I should go, I know I should say good bye, but I’m newish and haven’t really made any work friends even though everyone is friendly but I’m so awkward and scared at parties. I just don’t want to drive 30 minutes anxiously thinking about the party so I can stay for 10 minutes before bolting and drive another 30 thinking how embarrassing it all was. Sorry, I just needed to vent, in a safe place, and here is always safe. Thank you for making it so.

  32. I just don’t answer, but that’s because you’re much funnier than I could ever be messing with these guys. 🙂

  33. I was once proposed to if I would buy a guy a case of beer. He did offer to share it with me but I had to pass….I was already married to a guy who shared his beer with me. I don’t like beer so it wasn’t much of an incentive. But still….

  34. Jenny, I got rid of my problem calls very easily. I used the forward feature and punched in a totally random number. I haven’t had a phone call in over a year. It’s wonderful. My phone works fine for texting which is more fun anyway.

  35. Jenny, I got rid of my problem calls very easily. I used the forward feature and punched in a totally random number. I haven’t had a phone call in over a year. It’s wonderful. My phone works fine for texting which is more fun anyway.

  36. This is like that date from hell, in that less is more when interacting with them. Hang up, don’t press any numbers that they might give you to unregister because surprise this just puts you on an Active list to spam!
    Instead-
    The National Do Not Call registry is free at 888-382-1222 or go to donotcall.gov.

    Once in the system, you don’t have to re-register, per this page:

    https://www.consumer.ftc.gov/articles/0108-national-do-not-call-registry

  37. I’m jealous, the phone call I keep getting is only for a grant of $9,000. And I NEVER get proposed to…

  38. I stopped taking the scammers’ calls a couple years ago, because all I got were the Indian “IT guys” and it was getting boring. But I DID get 1 guy to tell me that Bill Gates was not authorized to fix my Windows computer!

  39. My husbamd always messes with them, tells them he has no credit cards, asks what a FICO score is, and they drop their masks right away, call him all the choice words. He just laughs until they hang up on him. Good for you…I just won’t answer my phone.

  40. I had a scammer call me a few years ago. I don’t remember how we got off topic of him trying to scam me. I was making pizza for dinner. He asked me what I put on pizza. I named a couple of things then said BACON. He told me in his saddest voice he doesn’t eat pork. He then asked me about the weather and we were having a snowstorm. He told me he had never seen snow. We were talking for about 1/2 hour. He then asked if he could call me back sometime. He called me again the next two days. I never heard from him again after that.

  41. I had one phone scammer call me and ask me if I was married. When I said yes, he asked me if I liked to go out and party. I did (and do) not. His response? “Aw…just cuz you’re married doesn’t mean you can’t go out and have a little fun with me.” Uh no. Nope nope nope. I also had a guy try to scam me out of 700 bucks. Nope.

  42. I always say, hello my little hindu friend to the foreign sounding telemarketers.
    one replyed, I am not hindu, I am Christian, you son of a bitch.
    he then proceded to swear at me, poor english. I asked him to translate into hindu, because I wanted to become bilingual.
    next thing I knew, there were 2 or 3 telemarketers swearing in English and some other language, all together
    it was quite amuseing

  43. Now I feel left out because my scam phone calls are never this much fun. Just to be clear, I mean the scam phone calls I receive. I don’t make scam phone calls myself.

  44. I once got a telemarketer who said she could save me money on my insurance. I asked her how she knew what I was paying for my insurance, so she was so certain she could do any better. She said :um, I don’t know… I’m not very good at this, I guess. I actually felt a little bad for her.

  45. Oh, that was funny. I always want to mess with them, but I forget to when I answer the phone. Sometimes when I do look at the caller name or number on the phone, I will answer it as (insert town name) police department. We usually hear a click on the other end.

  46. After getting 4 calls in 15 minutes from the same people, I answered the phone and claimed to be my own sister. I told them the real “Me” was in jail, but I should be getting out soon…after all it was self-defense. I got the telemarketer to agree that the self-defense argument should mean a speedy release from jail. They never called back.
    Also, telling the TV/cable service sales people that you don’t have TV because the devil comes through the wires is an objection they have not been trained to overcome.

  47. Most of us wish we could think of these retorts at the time. You do, which is awesome. But this man called back several hours and recreated the conversation just to live that dream. That is just admirable. I mean bit slow on the uptake if it took that long, but admirable nevertheless.

  48. This is amazing. I wish I could be that calm and cool in these kind of situations. The last time someone tried to phone scam me I almost let the log into my computer screen remotely. That’s when I realized and started yelling abort! And dropped my phone like a hot potato.

  49. See, I want to respond to the scam emails I receive like I did to my Craig’s List scammer but I’m fearful it will add a virus to my computer. Someday I’m going to get super drunk and just have at it.

  50. I once put someone on hold (a solicitor call) while we ate dinner. The caller was still there when we finished. He knew what I’d done but could see the humor in it and I was amazed he was still on the line. I still detest that kind of call, but we all got a laugh from that one.

  51. You have inspired me, Jenny. I am going to start talking about my rash the next time a telemarketer calls me.

  52. True Love is too a waste of time. No arguing, fights, heartache, or cheating… Who needs it? Marriage counselor would go out of business. So would Private detectives. We need to look out for them, ya know…

  53. I have had few weird phone calls. My mom ,my sister ,and I were watching of all things a Peter Sellers Pink Panther movie. The phone rang I answered it and man ( I’m totally NOT kidding!) asked for FooFee. The second was a series of calls by a confused older lady who adamantly insisted I was her pharmacy. She called me six times,and each time I kindly told her it was not a pharmacy and that I was not,not had I EVER been a pharmacist,nor had I gone to pharmacology school..

  54. he sounds lke a keeper. Would your husband need to know?

    How come you get the cool phone scammers and the rest of us get little indian men who sound like peder sellersss…

  55. I also was in receipt of a caller saying that I owed back taxes (yup, I do) and that, through very broken English, stated that if I don’t deposit $5000 into an account then the authorities would come and handcuff me—to his surprise, I was very excited, I started jumping up and down and said “jail–great!! I have 7 kids, 4 dogs, 2 goats and jail to me is a vacation!! Somebody to cook for me, do my laundry, no dusting, no kids, and no homework!!! Yipppeeeee!!! Can you be here by 5 so I don’t have to drop anybody off at football, dance and bible school??!!” Click…….that was the highlight of my day, and I was a tad disappointed when nobody came and got me….

  56. I call shenanigans … that can’t be THE weirdest call all week. 🙂
    Well done though.

  57. I usually just tell them I am dead and this is my sister…amazing how many then try to sell stuff to my grieving sister. I also ask them what they’re wearing if I am home…then it gets weird and murdery.

  58. Every time a salesman would call my dad and try to pitch a product my dad would tell him he already bought it and go on and on about how great the product was. The salesman would be begging to get off the phone.

  59. Heard your voice on a commercial last night! It was for audible and the premise of the commercial was a highschool girl having a rough time, getting picked up by her mom. And the mom, to cheer the daughter up, started playing Lets Pretend this Never Happened. I pretty much squealed at the tv.

  60. I have gotten the same phone call several times. I now act really surprised and excited. Then I tell them that since I have to write a check to the IRS each and every year, they should just credit my social security number and I will not pay taxes until the money has all been used up. That is when they hang up on me.

  61. This is hilarious! I get this exact call constantly. I answer them now just to have fun with them. After they say who they are I give them their pitch before they do. They hang up on me!

  62. I was proposed to over the phone by accident once! I was in college (at a conservative Christian school where dorms weren’t co-ed, and we had a curfew, which is why this is a phone call and not in person). I’d been asleep for a while and then the phone rang at like 4am. I answered, and it was some dude immediately started playing guitar and singing some song he’d written about how much he loves me. I had no idea what was happening – I’m half asleep, so I just listened. At the end he says,”I love you so much, other girl’s name. Will you marry me?” And I finally realized it was a wrong number. I said, “I’m SO sorry, but I’m not girl’s name. You have the wrong number…but I’m sure she’ll love the song!!! It was beautiful!”
    Guy is super upset…explains that he’d written the song, timed the call for the exact time his girlfriend was born, but was nervous and must have dialed the wrong #. His whole plan is shot.

    I felt so bad for him. I never even got his name. No idea what happened with the proposal after that.

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