Victor says I can’t stay home and drink myself to death until I’m making more than $100 a month on my blog so this week I sent out my first real business proposal and Victor was all “So how goes the blog sales?” and I’m all “Awesome. I’m in discussions with a mucky-muck at Chipotle” and then he looks over my shoulder at the email and is all “WHY ARE YOU DISCUSSING MIDGET PORN ON A BUSINESS PROPOSAL?” like that never happens to him. It happens, people. In fact, if you plan on getting private ads this is totally going to happen to you too. My current negotiations:
Dear Chipotle,
I have a blog that is about ninjas, sasquatch, vagina mittens and other pressing issues. Shockingly, it is quite popular and is in the technorati top 2,800 which is very impressive but only to about 2800 other people.I love your burritos so much so that when I don’t go to Chipotle the people there worry that I’m sick. It’s kind of awesome if by “awesome” you mean “embarrassing in front of other people”. If you sponsor my blog I could create some amazing ads, much like the one I have up on my blog right now, which claims that your burritos cure polio. Also, thank you for curing polio. Also, I have no fact checker. And I’m a little drunk.
Have you ever considered advertising on bizarre blogs that make people laugh and go “WTF?” all at the same time? Because you should. In fact, if you paid me a shitload of money it would probably make the NY Times and all the bloggers would be talking about it and you would get so much publicity for supporting the blog arts you wouldn’t even know what to do with it. And I don’t know what “a shitload” is because this is the first serious business proposal I’ve ever written but I think $100,000 for a year seems totally “shitloadirrific”. $110,000 and I will even write you into my book, which is going to be awesome and will sell well according to my agent who is not imaginary. $115,000 and I will throw in a nude photo of myself. It’s only “mostly nude” though because I want to be able to run for congress one day.
Hugs,
Jenny, the Bloggess
Jenny,
Thank you for writing us, and it’s great to hear that you are such an amazing fan. I noted your mention of “sasquatch” in its singular sense. Is there more than one sasquatch, and if so, would the plural be “sasquatches,” or is there only one, in which case, should it be capitalized as “Sasquatch?” Or is it more like “fish,” where singular and plural are the same? In any case, as the saying goes, give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day, teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime. Or something like that and blah, blah, blah…. Also, that’s good to hear about our burritos curing polio. Jonas Salk would be thrilled, if he were alive today. And while unfortunately we probably won’t be able to advertize on your blog at this juncture, we can at least appreciate your fandom. I’d like to send you some free burrito coupons for your support. Please don’t send me any nude photos. We get enough of those already. We hope to hear back from you soon.Sincerely,
Joe Stupp
Chipotle
Dear Joe,
I didn’t get the whole “teach a man to fish” thing at first but now I think I understand. You’re saying that you’ll teach me to counterfeit money so I don’t have to rely on you for sponsorship, right? Because I’ll be honest with you Joe, I’m intrigued. And by “intrigued” I mean “appalled”. Unless you can prove to me you aren’t an undercover cop wearing a wire. Then I’m back to intrigued again. Also, I’m a little insulted that you are rebuffing my naked pictures and even more unsettled that you seem to be implying that you have enough naked pictures of me already. Those photos are not of me, and also those midgets were photoshopped in after I had already left the motel room. Also, you aren’t supposed to call them midgets, Joe. You’re supposed to call them “little people”. Or “Bullet McCoy and Big Todd”. Those might not have been their real names.I am very disappointed that we were not able to reach a business agreement but I hope you’ll remember me in the future if you decide to try blog advertising because I’d love to be all “Well now the price is ONE MILLION DOLLARS, JOE. And every second you wait it doubles!” And God help you if it’s a long weekend and you don’t respond to me for 3 days because then you might as well sign the deed over to me. But yes. I’d love a coupon for a burrito, Joe. You are one tough negotiator.
~Jenny
PS. The sasquatch are a peaceful group of creatures and are cool with being called either “the sasquatch” or “the sasquatches”. They’re like the Cherokee. Only hairier.
Jenny,
I can’t technically prove that I’m not an undercover cop wearing a wire and my counterfeiting skills are slim to none (more closely approaching the latter), so I don’t think I could help you there. And the implication was not about naked pictures of you per se, but more about what other people have sent. I was trying to say that it didn’t move us or persuade us. We are immune to your potential wiles. Besides, you said “mostly nude.” What fun is that? Also, grammatically speaking, aren’t periods and such supposed to go inside and not outside the quotation marks? Additionally, is Bullet McCoy nice?
Finally, if there is more than one sasquatch, would they be called Big Feet instead of Big Foot? And you know what they say about big feet, right? Big shoes…. I am always intrigued by herd names.
-Joe
Dear Joe,
I think it’s very unprofessional of you to distract me with midget porn inquiries when I’m trying to negotiate a contract. But yes. Bullet McCoy is very nice when he’s sober. If you ever see him in person after 10am though you should stand at least 20 feet back because he will be drunker than a pirate and will pee all over you. Honestly, I’ve seen it happen. He calls it his “golden autograph”.
Also, I think the quotation mark thing goes both ways (much like Bullet McCoy). Is that why Chipolte is not considering my advertising proposal? Because of my haphazard punctuation? Because I happen to know of a best-selling book that has no quotation marks whatsoever. It’s called “The Bible”. True story.
Love, Jenny
Next post…selling your plasma to supplement your income.
Comment of the day: Let me tell you about selling plasma. The wind will knock you over when riding your bike home, only to go to sleep and wake up with blowned up arteries so that you can’t move your arms and you look like a robot. ~ Shannon