Ten things that happened that aren’t worthy of a post but sort of work as an itemized list:
1. Victor just got a new job, and the President of his new company is named Ken Hoffman.
2. If you google “Ken Hoffman” the second thing that pops up is a post entitled “Ken Hoffman is a Jerk“.
3. Written by me.
4. Which he found.
5. And confronted me about it.
6. Victor did not get fired because he is a different Ken Hoffman who is awesome and totally not a jerk and probably gives enormous raises because that’s the kind of generous guy he seems like. Also he’s very handsome and has really shiny hair. I bet he conditions all the time. Please don’t fire my husband.
7. We went to this super classy restaurant on a docked boat to celebrate Victors new job but the food took forever so the waiter brought us out a bunch of potato chips and Victor gives him this look like “Are you fucking kidding me?” and the waiter’s like “Is there a problem?” and I wanted to diffuse the situation so I whispered “My husbands’ mother was killed by potato chips” but he didn’t even respond because that’s when the carnival people came in. And granted, there were only two but the chick was a fire-eater/ juggler/plate-spinner and the other one was a guy on stilts blowing up balloon animals so it felt like five of them and I’m all “Um…what?” and Victor’s like “Surely the manager will get out here and shoo them away” and the Maître d’ was all “This is a classy establishment! Get the carnie broom!” and he pushed the stilts guy overboard but he was so tall he just stood up and ran away and then the fire breathing lady caught the broom on fire and the manager’s all ” Fuck! Get the rake!” which leads me to believe this has happened before because who keeps a rake on a boat? Also, everything after the carnival people came on the boat only happened in my head but honestly, none of the rest of it would have surprised me after the whole potato chip/fire-breathing.
8. I took Barnaby Jones to a pet hotel because we went out of town and after I left I got all freaked out and started crying and I called my friend Tracy and I’m all “Tell me I’m not a bad person for kenneling my dog because I could see the other dogs there and they looked really happy and those dogs have no reason to lie to me, right?” and Tracy’s all “You’re asking me if I think a bunch of dogs were purposely pretending to be happy just to deceive you? …No. Probably not” which made me feel better but as far as he knows those dogs are all actors and then I thought that technically that would be very cheap advertising because dogs will work for peanut butter and they’re fucking everywhere and for a minute I considered going back into the pet hotel and asking if any of those dogs were actors but I was afraid they’d make me take my dog back.
9. I’m going to write a sex column, apparently. A humor sex column reviewing bad p0rn. Or something. Honestly, I have no idea what I’m doing and Victor’s all “Don’t you already have enough to do?” but if you can turn down a paycheck for watching bad p0rn you are a stronger woman than me probably my mother because when I told her about it she was all “Wow. I…I’m not going to tell your grandma about that”. But now I need a title for the column and all I can think of is “Clown Porn is Not Funny”. I also like “Hints From Heloise”. Suggestions?
10. A new Ask the Bloggess is up. Don’t read it if you don’t want to know about nipple hair.
Comment of the day: My nipples look like someone has a wookie in a headlock. ~ furiousball