But the thing is that it’s totally a different Ken Hoffman and this one is awesome and I was also kind of drunk when I wrote that other post so it shouldn’t count anyway

Ten things that happened that aren’t worthy of a post but sort of work as an itemized list:

1.  Victor just got a new job, and the President of his new company is named Ken Hoffman.

2.  If you google “Ken Hoffman” the second thing that pops up is a post entitled “Ken Hoffman is a Jerk“.

3. Written by me.

4.  Which he found.

5.  And confronted me about it.

6.  Victor did not get fired because he is a different Ken Hoffman who is awesome and totally not a jerk and probably gives enormous raises because that’s the kind of generous guy he seems like.  Also he’s very handsome and has really shiny hair.  I bet he conditions all the time.  Please don’t fire my husband.

7.  We went to this super classy restaurant on a docked boat to celebrate Victors new job but the food took forever so the waiter brought us out a bunch of potato chips and Victor gives him this look like “Are you fucking kidding me?” and the waiter’s like “Is there a problem?” and I wanted to diffuse the situation so I whispered  “My husbands’ mother was killed by potato chips” but he didn’t even respond because that’s when the carnival people came in.  And granted, there were only two but the chick was a fire-eater/ juggler/plate-spinner and the other one was a guy on stilts blowing up balloon animals so it felt like five of them and I’m all “Um…what?” and Victor’s like “Surely the manager will get out here and shoo them away” and the Maître d’ was all “This is a classy establishment!  Get the carnie broom!” and he pushed the stilts guy overboard but he was so tall he just stood up and ran away and then the fire breathing lady caught the broom on fire and the manager’s all ” Fuck! Get the rake!” which leads me to believe this has happened before because who keeps a rake on a boat? Also, everything after the carnival people came on the boat only happened in my head but honestly, none of the rest of it would have surprised me after the whole potato chip/fire-breathing.

8.  I took Barnaby Jones to a pet hotel because we went out of town and after I left I got all freaked out and started crying and I called my friend Tracy and I’m all “Tell me I’m not a bad person for kenneling my dog because I could see the other dogs there and they looked really happy and those dogs have no reason to lie to me, right?” and Tracy’s all “You’re asking me if I think a bunch of dogs were purposely pretending to be happy just to deceive you?  …No.  Probably not” which made me feel better but as far as he knows those dogs are all actors and then I thought that technically that would be very cheap advertising because dogs will work for peanut butter and they’re fucking everywhere and for a minute I considered going back into the pet hotel and asking if any of those dogs were actors but I was afraid they’d make me take my dog back.

9.  I’m going to write a sex column, apparently.  A humor sex column reviewing bad p0rn.  Or something.  Honestly, I have no idea what I’m doing and Victor’s all “Don’t you already have enough to do?” but if you can turn down a paycheck for watching bad p0rn you are a stronger woman than me probably my mother because when I told her about it she was all “Wow.  I…I’m not going to tell your grandma about that”.   But now I need a title for the column and all I can think of is “Clown Porn is Not Funny”.  I also like “Hints From Heloise”.  Suggestions?

10.  A new Ask the Bloggess is up.  Don’t read it if you don’t want to know about nipple hair.

Comment of the day: My nipples look like someone has a wookie in a headlock. ~ furiousball

110 thoughts on “But the thing is that it’s totally a different Ken Hoffman and this one is awesome and I was also kind of drunk when I wrote that other post so it shouldn’t count anyway

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Dude. Look up squirrel porn. A guy I knew in college got some spam once that was about squirrel porn and he opened the message because he thought it was surely a joke. It was decidedly not a joke.

  2. Didn’t you know that sad pets in the pet hotel are taken to the Special Room where they are belittled by a tiny man who compares them (unfavourably) to Lassie? That’s why they all look happy. They’re all like, “If we smile then we won’t be insulted by Terrence” (Terrence is the tiny man’s name) “Just keep smiling and when nobody is about we can complain and whine like the upset pets we are”

    Wow, I just realised something. The word “Pets” is almost an anagram of “upset”. The only thing missing is U. Think about it. Please. So I don’t have to.

    Fuiru’s last blog post..Imaginary Drug Testing

  3. I wrote a blog once all about how I can’t stand my mother-in-law, but then my mother-in-law googled it and found it and confronted me and I had to deny it was about her, too.

    And you know they drug those dogs at the kennels. That’s how they all look so happy.

    Devil’s Daughter-in-Law’s last blog post..Wedding Hells

  4. But kenneling your dog is the responsible thing to do and is way better than just leaving Barnaby Jones to run the house while you’re gone. You know he would have used your phone to call long-distance or throw an out-of-control party where he invited all the bad doggies to come play. And then where would you be?

    Rachel’s last blog post..Ninety? NINETY?!

  5. My dear Jenny, you have made me distrust my sense of reality, because I come here and read and go, “Did she really do that?…surely she didn’t really do that…well, she did dress up as Britney Spears and did a cooch shot for fun…made she DID do that…” and then you’re all “I didn’t really push carnival men overboard but I AM writing a column reviewing porn…” and quite frankly, I don’t know if actually exist or not or if you do or if I dreamed you up and you’re my alter ego or what.

  6. Bad Porn Is Better Than No Porn At All.

    The Bloggess Watches Bad Porn So You Don’t Have To.

    If you need anyone to tag in with an expert opinion, please do not hesitate to call upon Will and myself. Will can educate in the Three Types of Porn, What To Do When Your Dad Films the Neighbors Having Sex With Your Stepmom, amongst others….

  7. OMG…this is probably the funniest thing I’ve ever read!

  8. Also, for future reference, please board Barnaby Jones and all pugs puppies at my house in Paducah, KY. Haven’t heard of it? I’m surprised, we’re well known for quilts and steam boats, which, I believe are two of your favourite things, and therefore, also of Barnaby Jones. He will be well-taken care of — wrapped up in a quilt during our steamboat adventure.

  9. How do you get these jobs? I mean that in a “I am totally jealous of you” sort of way. Not a judging sort of way. Except for the clown porn. Just the thought of it has guaranteed I won’t sleep for the rest of the month. Well, not without copious amounts of bourbon.

    AdrianaHearts’s last blog post..Sooo…

  10. I bet Ken Hoffmans the world over are shaking their fists in outrage over that blog posts. It’s rending families asunder, making babies cry, and kicking three-legged puppies right in the face, that post.

    Good thing your husband’s boss didn’t mind it, probably because he’s single, has no children, and has never met any three-legged puppies.

    Parsing Nonsense’s last blog post..Tricky Little Suckers

  11. While we’re discussing porn, you should check out Pirates. It’s hi-fricking-larious. We used to bust it out during parties and drink every time someone said the word ‘pirate,’ saw a CGI’d skeleton, or had a lit candle jammed in their asshole.

    MonsteRawr’s last blog post..Just a Pill on the Carpet

  12. You could call it “The Blogginatrix”. You could even reuse your photo – just replace the hair dryer with a flog or something.

    Steve’s last blog post..Worthless

  13. You know what’s more frightening than clown porn?

    Ken Hoffman porn.

    I just threw up in my butt.

  14. I’m pretty sure that’s the real American Dream, reviewing bad porn for money

  15. How about “Porn that even that fucking weirdo Ken Hoffman won’t watch” or “Movies with a ton of penises that are all bigger than Ken Hoffman’s ” or my personal favorite, “Ken Hoffman is the President of NAMBLA and I write reviews about totally unrelated porn, but seriously, Ken Hoffman is a total tool and I wouldn’t let him babysit my lawn from across the street.”

    mayopie’s last blog post..No, seriously

  16. My husband’s mother was killed by a chip too. It was a Dorito though. They have very sharp edges.

    janine’s last blog post..

  17. humorous sex column names:
    gross things people want to do.
    slap and tickle: the art of beastiality.
    so you have the clap…
    surprise you have something in your bum!

  18. I’m so glad there’s someone else out there who shares my feeling on carnies and that I’m not alone!

    I knew my dream job was out there! Just remember, there is some shit you can’t un-see and un-remember.

    SEO Hack’s last blog post..Hack, You’re Still An Asshole

  19. Pornucopia: Celebrating a Bounty of Bad Porn

    …with the graphic of a “horn of plenty” and two strategically placed pumpkins.

    Though you’ll probably hook more readers if you work “midgets,” “clowns,” or “furries” into your title somehow.

    Briana’s last blog post..Sleeping Beauties

  20. When I was 5 I got a potato chip stuck in my throat at a slumber party and I almost died from asphyxiation. The parents of my friend made me swallow warm milk to try and soften the chip up or make me fall asleep so they could dispose of my body or something. So I just stood there, choking on a potato chip with warm milk running down my face, until I finally threw up all over my friend’s dad. I was no longer invited to slumber parties.

    Lemish’s last blog post..I can’t think of a title that doesn’t involve drowning vaginas and a bunch of seamen, and I’m just too classy for that

  21. I totally pluck my nipple hair that has been growing on my lefty since I had a baby. Nothing bad has ever happened. Except my breasts are now smaller. Wait… The hell????? Do I blame my baby or my plucking?

    Janey’s last blog post..Duck à la Tutter….

  22. I once saw a porn title on the cable guide that, if I were to review porn, would be the first one I would rent: Burrit-hoes. BEST. PORN. NAME. EVER.

    Mommica’s last blog post..HALLELUJAH!

  23. How about “The Bloggess Does Porn” as your new title?

    Thanks for turning your blog potato chip yellow today…

  24. I’m sorry, but I’m still laughing from your post that I don’t think I could stand to read the comments. I had a hellish day – reading this made my day much better!

    Pop and Ice’s last blog post..From Trifecta to Tears

  25. Midget porn is far more disturbing. I guess they have regular sized genitalia, who knew?
    Here’s a title: That’s my woman, Bozo!

  26. I think midget porn is more distrubing. I didn’t even know it was midget porn until my grannie ( it was her porn) commented on how long it took the ass-less chap clad women to crawl to the pillows on the bed. Also…on a side note… I think that slogan for your sex job should be ” Jenny: Critizing Your Sexual Opinions… One Position At a Time” . Ewww. imagine midget clown porn. ERLACK!

  27. A) Docked boats are always a magnet for trouble. Watch Arrested Development.

    B) Dog kennels are run by the government. To test makeup on them. Which I am totally okay with.

    C) Fire in the Hole! Clowns are evil demons dressed in clown clothing.

  28. The Ken Hoffman thing is almost turning into a Chuck Norris thing.. like ” Chuck Norris counted to infinty.. twice” and but in a “he’s lame way” like “Ken Hoffman can’t read” lol… priceless.

  29. A) Docked boats are always harboring trouble.
    B) Dog kennels are run by the government- to test makeup on them. Which I am totally fine with.
    C) Fire In The Hole! Clowns are evil demons disguised in clown shoes. But really, porn review will be fun! Because it WILL be what she said. Again and again.

  30. Just AWESOME. Your blog is the first thing that’s mad me laugh out loud in a week. And I haven’t even hit the assvice OR the porn yet. YET.

    I like your mom’s suggestion for the column (what, that wasn’t a suggestion?) “Wow. I’m Not Telling Your Grandma That” really works for me.

    Sarah’s last blog post..I Want My Mamma!

  31. Blog title suggestions:

    Junky Junk

    This shows how smart you are to know what pernicious means or that you have a stupid spellchecker.

    Turn to classic lit for titles such as:

    Porn and Punishment
    Porn Expectations

  32. For a second, I thought it said “your comment is awaiting ‘molestation'”. I was all like “OMYGOD! Jenny’s blog wants to molest me!” But then I thought, “well, at least it’s being polite and warning me first and letting me get all mentally prepared.” Then I realized it said “awaiting moderation” instead but I’m pretty sure it’s the same thing.

    So basically your blog is a really polite molester and I appreciate it.

    LB’s last blog post..The first-time homebuyer class was trying to paralyze or infect me with the plague.

  33. How about Every Rose Has Her Porn. You can adopt an entirely new persona as Rosy The Porness and your grandma will never have to know.

    Or … Pornucopia. Porntastica.com. Porn-R-Us. Porn-4-U. We-Be-Porn. It’s Porny Time. Feeling Porny? The Porn Birds. A Porny Situation. Porny Porny Porny. Smells Like Porn.

    Or, for maximum traffic and a very short run: dooce.com with porn.

    PS – I love that this comment will link to my latest post titled “keeping our kids safe.”

    badassdad05’s last blog post..keeping our kids safe

  34. You could go for a minimalist “Jenny the Bloggess Reviews Bad Porn”?

    Did you hear over there that the UK Home Secretary’s husband was found to have been watching pay-per- view porn, then tried to claim the cost back on her MP’s expenses allowance? It would be hilarious if you could review the 2 films he watched; I sure they were bad enough. Hopefully there are clowns in there somewhere, if not in the films themselves then the idiot who was watching them.

    Drolgerg’s last blog post..A Poem About Swine Flu

  35. You should call your column Fucking With the Stars. The rating system should be called “Does the Pickle Tickle? ” and you could rank movies with the corresponding number of applicable pickles.

    Jennifer’s last blog post..Feburotten? Suckuary?

  36. My ex-boyfriend’s room mate used to have a porn entitled “Insane Clown Pussy”.

    Yes, I did watch it. And I was completely disappointed. I mean, it was probably exactly what most people would imagine it is. But I guess I was just hoping for something….else.

    (perhaps I should be talking to a professional…)

    (but you give advice. so that pretty much makes you a professional. in my opinion. which is the only one that matters to me.)

  37. Porn Flakes is always good, and reliably sure to also draw the breakfast crowd, some of whom are old enough.

    Porn On The Cob harkens back to a gentler time when “going down” meant tying one’s shoelaces or digging potatoes or weeding something.

    Porn O’ Graphy and you’ll appeal to all descendents of Irish immigrants. AND the drinking crowd.

    Porn For Idiots would net you a readership of most of the elected officials in Washington DC—-they’re reborn every minute.

    But I gotta admit that Fidget’s suggestion of “Bom Chicka Bom Bom “(#10), or variations of it, is inspired labeling.

  38. Know what kinda porn I’ve found that extremely disturbs me but amuses my roommate to no end because she’s SICK? Amputee porn. One of my first blog entries is about amputee porn because I just do not get it! And the thing is, my roommate has found some porn where it’s not just someone without a leg ridin’ the train on home with someone else who has both their legs AND their arms. We’re talking men putting their “nubs” into openings and that shit is just NOT natural if you ask me, and I’m young. I’m supposed to be into the kinky stuff.

    As for a suggestion for the title of your column…considering how much porn I watch and how much enjoyment I get from it (not just for making fun of, every now and then they get it right), this should be easy. But I’m drawing a blank. Maybe something obviously dirty like Cunning Linguist? Master Debater? Or something even more to the point, like “Clown Porn is Not Funny, Amputee Porn is Disturbing, and No One Likes a Dirty Vagina.”

    Samantha’s last blog post..Today is a day of celebration! And no, I don’t mean cinco de mayo.

  39. One of the crowning moments of my post college life was living with the son of a porn magnate in Cleveland, Ohio. He had the best odd porn, and I went on the web, where I hear you can find anything, to try to find it to give it to you as a gift. I failed, but I did find this, which is worth reviewing.

    walkin against the wind, baby. wait for it, it’s worth it.

  40. I swear we must be related. My sister refuses to read this blog because she said “It feels like I am stuck in my own head” I agree..

    Malkovich Malkovich.

    So when do we fall out onto some random road in New Jersey?

    Miss Destructo’s last blog post..Destroy Your Boredom!

  41. There really is no such thing as bad porn. It’s always good or entertaining in one way or another, right?

    Don’t tell your grandma I said that, either.

  42. I think you should call the new column: “Hints from Hole-oise” or “Creatively Understanding New Things about sex”. Wait. Maybe that last one is only funny to me.

    If you’re ever stuck on the “Dear Hole-oise, my wife does not appreciate the nine inch vibrating cock I got her for Easter, what should I do?” question, I’ve got your back. I mean, not in a grody kind of ‘iew’ way, but more of an I was in the sex shop being fitted for an S&M performance when a weirdo in a trenchcoat came in and asked that question sort of way. I’m there for you.

    cenobyte’s last blog post..The problem

  43. I used to work in a porn/sex toy shop, which catered primarily to a gay male clientele. It was a fun job. I have a lot of great stories to tell at parties because of that job. I also watched enough gay porn to last me several lifetimes.

    Allow me to recommend the low-budget gem “Food Fuck” — it involves pretty much what you might expect. However the absolute highlight was the watermelon fucking scene. It was actually the most genuine-seeming enjoyment of a sex act I have ever seen in any porn ever. The guy was so into it, he started sort of smacking the side of the melon and…it was just surreal. Watch it just for that. You’ll thank me later.

    Oh, and because it’s been awhile (and I just sent someone the link to this today, so it is fresh in my mind)…WOLVERINES!!!

    Miss B’s last blog post..&c.

  44. No, I’m sorry. It should be titled “Midget porn is not funny.” Because I’d like to save anyone I can from the scars that have been forced upon me.

    AmyAnne’s last blog post..Frustrated Much?

  45. It used to be that if you typed “gay midget porn” into a search engine in Canada, this message from the RCMP (police) would pop up advising you to steer clear. I just tested it, and it’s gone now, and I don’t know whether to feel patriotic or sad because the message was awesome and now only the handful of people I drunkenly showed it to that one time (and all those Canadian fans of the short-stack) will ever know about it.

    How about “The Sticky Keyboard Pornstravaganza Review”?

    emvandee’s last blog post..Sweet potatoes are the best thing ever for you. Even if you get swine flu. Though if you get swine flu, call me, because I’d like to lick your door knobs.

  46. How ’bout “The Vagina Monologues?” Oh, has that be taken already? Um…what about “Confessions Of An Overly Abused, Yet Under Appreciated Vagina?” That’s pretty much the same thing, but more honest.

  47. I just want to know what Nancy W. Kappes (paralegal) thinks about this.

    Seriously. I live to hear her opinion and you’re keeping it from us again.

  48. How about Porn Again, or Porn Yesterday, or Porn on the 4th of July.
    Or Creamed Porn (ew), or Porn on the Cob.
    Or Tooting my own Porn, or Dinah, Blow Your Porn (ew).
    Or Porn between Two Lovers.
    Of course, after a few weeks of this, you may be just plain porn out.

    …aaaaand I’m done.

    kittenpie’s last blog post..Worn

  49. Wait, no I’m not. What about “May Not Cause Strokes.” And sign yourself Stroke Victim.

    Now I’m done.

    kittenpie’s last blog post..Worn

  50. I’m so glad I’m not the only one that feels too guilty about putting pets into kennels. However, I have cats, and they’re all snobby and would just throw up on my stuff as repayment when I got them home, so chances are they should be kenneled anyhow.

    Also, I was in the gay district in Toronto many years ago, where they had a discount porn store across the street. I had to check it out because that’s how I am (I also made many trips into the three-story porn store near our hotel), and I found low-quality videos of women squishing raw meat with their toes. Not really my thing, even for $5.

  51. I think your new sex comlumn should be called “Masterbation is your friend” only because I think masterbation is a highly underated word.

    nikki’s last blog post..You wanna do what?!

  52. I’m thinking “Humping Heloise” might be more appropriate and I know how important appropriateness is to you.

    Vikki’s last blog post..A Phone Call

  53. Brown Chicken Brown Cow!

    To get the right effect you have to say the first Brown normally, then say Chicken really fast, the say Brown Cow in a really high voice.

    See, it’s awesome, right?

    Wendy’s last blog post..Dear Mr. Collection Agency Dude:

  54. So what does one wear when you become the Elvira of pr0n?

  55. I worked in a video store years ago that had a top-secret porn room (well, ok, just a closet full of porn with a “you must be 18 to enter this room” sign on the door) and here are some helpful things I learned about porn that you can totally use if you need them, I’m just helpful like that:

    1. There were always used tissues on the floor of the porn room. So apparently some people were so easy that even the COVERS of the porn was enough to get them off. Cheap dates!
    2. Pregnant porn was a big deal. I don’t really know what to say about that.
    3. So was midget porn. Again, not really sure what that said about the people who shopped my video store.
    4. However, the camera in the porn room (so we could spy on masturbators and thieves, or just laugh at people) had a blind spot, so if you wanted to have a secret conversation with your friend but look like you were working, you volunteered to clean up the porn room and then just stood in the corner where the camera didn’t reach and chatted. This, along with the cotton candy machine, were the most exciting parts of my shifts at this store.

    As an experiment, my friend and I rented two of the worst-looking videos as research. One was a Batman ripoff where Catwoman got down and dirty with everyone while the Penguin looked on and laughed this weird yuk-yuk laugh. We felt bad he wasn’t allowed any action and it was never explained why he was left out. We also rented one called “Edible Vegetables” in which there were no vegetables, edible or otherwise, just a lot of bored-looking college kids playing with fruit (and each other) while a librarian-type woman alternately looked shocked and shushed them.

    Both left us a little unsettled and a lot confused.

  56. Uhhh, Steve(#75), that’s good, The Blogginatrix, but it should read ” Like Mother Teresa, Only Wetter”, no?

  57. LOL @ RDC…that’s good!

    Apparently, many people really dig porn. Seems like an awful lot of comments for the time it’s been up.

    Byron’s last blog post..Driving

  58. You should call your new column “The Bloggess’ Porn Snort”, so it’s kind of like a cross between laughing and snorting coke off a hooker’s ass.

  59. My mother once told me that if I was going to blog, I might as well write about bad porn and cheap beer – then I could get a man while I was at it. THANKS FOR THE ENCOURAGEMENT, MOM.

    Tea’s last blog post..Fire Pit Rules: a poem

  60. who’s ken hoffman?
    reminds me of my daughter. she had a high school friend named Ken Johnson who I wouldn’t let in the house because a boy in middle school with the same name harassed me and called me names all year. she said “it’s not the same person! Mom, it was 25 years ago!” I said, “doesn’t matter, it’s the same name, it’s an evil name.” “but MOM, he’s really nice!” “I don’t care, he has an evil name.” Maybe the name Ken is just evil.

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