A pictorial essay of things that happened yesterday:
Got waited on by Grizzly Adams.
Stuck my finger in (what I hope was) an alligator vagina.
Contemplated how odd that last statement was.
Considered buying a human skull in an antique shop.
Watched my daughter ride a giant banana
Bought a vampiric doll which will eventually be used to create dioramas of creepy Blythe doll death scenes.
All in all, it was a good day.
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And now, time for the weekly wrap-up:
Last week on Ask the Bloggess:
- I got fired. But first I quit after publicly posting my resignation letter which included threats of setting fire to my desk and ended with “Thus I tender my resignation. Yippee Ki-Ay, motherfuckers“. Then they said there had been a terrible mistake offered me my job back and I briefly considered it because I do actually really like the website that hosted it and I hold no grudge but I decided to pass because it was probably the most bad-ass exit I’ll ever make and you need to treasure that shit when it happens. So Ask the Bloggess is now deleted (at my request) and I’m sure it’ll still pop up here from time to time and eventually when I’m homeless and need drug money I’ll xerox all of it and sell it to the people who pass by the bridge I live under. It’ll be like a book signing except someone’s probably gonna get hepatitis.
What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):
- You’re going to sing #7 later at the most inappropriate time imaginable. Sorry about that.
What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:
What you missed on the internets:
- Only on the internet can you be singled out as a controversial, vulgar mommy blogger and still feel vaguely flattered. Also, these lists are nice to find yourself on but they don’t mean anything. I was writing exactly the same quality of stuff last year and didn’t make it on the Top 50 list at all. It’s all subjective, y’all. Sweet, but subjective.
- Forty seconds into this segment I’m in the news FOR NO DISCERNIBLE REASON WHATSOEVER.
- Pre-orders started for the Blogger Body Calendar. I ordered one. You should too. All proceeds go to the National Eating Disorder Association. Plus, I’m vaguely naked in it.
Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome: