I decided not to post this yesterday because I thought it would be too offensive, and so instead I posted about sugar, which was apparently a terrible idea. So instead I’m going to post the original post to distract people from my scandalous and heretical use of sugar limericks.
Email conversation between myself and my sister:
me: Someone just sent me a spam message that says “Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. He’s just got something better in store for you.” I sent it back as “Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. It just means he doesn’t care.”
Lisa: Yeah. You’re probably going to hell.
me: It also had kittens all over it and it said that if I didn’t pass it on I was “a bad Christian”. I’m not falling for religious kitten blackmail. How about “Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. It probably just means you’re boring. Maybe try incorporating car chases into your prayers. Or something with vampires. Vampires are really hot right now.”
Lisa: Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. It just means you aren’t as popular with him as the rich and pretty people he’s helping. Try to be richer or prettier, then maybe you can catch his eye.
me: Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. He’s just really focused on helping wealthy athletes win sports. Also? Fuck cancer. Apparently.
Lisa: Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. He’s probably out watching the new Harry Potter movie. That shit’s entertaining.
me: Just because God doesn’t answer your prayers it doesn’t mean he’s not listening. He’s probably just preoccupied with figuring out how to send a plague of rabid locusts to our homes because we’re not taking these God quotes seriously enough.
Lisa: Touche.