I have no fucking idea what I’m doing.
Like, ever.
Last week I met with my shrink, and she told me I need to figure out who I am and what I want out of life. I think this is excellent advice for people who are grown-ups, and who have 401ks, and clean, matching socks, and 5-year-plans.
I’m not one of those people. I just do shit and then other shit happens. Sometimes it’s good shit and sometimes it’s shitty shit, but none of it is planned. And I sort of suspect that if I stopped to actually consider who I am, I’d stop being “me”. “Me” never knows who I am. And now I sound like an existential Tarzan. Awesome.
It’s been eating at me for the last week, but I think I’ve finally figured it out. My five-year-plan is to never be the kind of person who’s stable enough to have a five-year-plan. It’s technically the same plan I had five years ago, and guess what? I’m totally on track.
PS. I just realized that always accomplishing the same five year plan of continued instability actually makes me pretty damn stable. And now I’m just confused, and need more xanax. I can only assume my psychiatrist did this on purpose to ensure her job security. In fact, this whole scenario was probably all on her five year plan. Nice one, Dr. Q.
Slow. Fucking. Clap.
UPDATED: First off, thank you. It’s nice (and somewhat terrifying) to know how many of us are just pretending to be grown-ups. Also, my shrink is quite awesome, and when I tell her that I’ve decided to be perpetually and happily immature forever she’ll probably give me a high-five. Or a look of confusion. Maybe both. But what’s nice is that instead of feeling like a failure for falling backward into life, I woke up this morning feeling better…for choosing to dive in – albeit backward, eyes closed, chaotically, and possibly into broken glass or hyenas. I think that’s called “growth”. Or denial. Hard to tell.
Also, so many of you reminded me that I needed to listen to this song again. And you were right. Thank you:
