Below is an actual email conversation between me and PETA. (FYI: This happened over a year ago and I was going to put it in my book as an addendum to my pets-eaten-by-hobos chapter but it was too long, so if you bought my book just consider this a bonus chapter. Also, if you haven’t read my book yet you probably should because this is going to have a mild spoiler alert. You can buy it here.)
From: David (from PETA.org)
Date: April 12, 2011
Good morning.
I wanted to share some information that I hope you will want to pass on to your readers as Easter approaches. Each year, PETA receives scores of calls of concern about the use of live animals—mainly rabbits, but sometimes ducklings and chicks—as props in Easter photo sessions. Unsuspecting parents and kids might not realize it, but the animals used in these photo sessions are generally terrified and miserable.
It’s a sad fact that many of the rabbits purchased on a whim during Easter time die within months—victims of unintentional neglect and cruelty. Others are abandoned, relegated to tiny outdoor hutches and subjected to weather extremes, dumped at overburdened shelters, or abandoned outdoors, where they are unable to fend for themselves and starve or are killed by predators… …Would you please share this information with your readers? Please let me know if you have any questions.
Best regards,
David
****
From: Jenny Lawson
Date: April 12, 2011
When I was little I got a duck from the carnival and he was awesome. His name was Daffodil and he lived in an inflatable raft in the backyard with the cats. He was very happy. But then my mom decided he’d be happier with other ducks because he started to think he was a cat, so we let him go at the lake and then a month later all the ducks were eaten by homeless people who lived under the bridge. This is all true. I think the real problem here is the homeless problem. And by “homeless problem” I mean the problem I have with homeless people eating my pets.
Hugs,
Jenny
Enclosed: A girl and her duck enjoying the sunset on their back porch. Those were golden days, David.
****
From: David from peta.org
Date: April 12, 2011
That’s quite a remarkable story, Jenny! A few years ago, while with a group helping to hand out food to homeless people outside of a shelter, I found a number of them to be quite kind to a pigeon who showed up with an injured wing. They were also impressed that I had the little guy (gal?) on my shoulder for a bit while I tried to figure out the next step.
****
From: Jenny Lawson
Date: April 12, 2011
You’re lucky you didn’t lose an arm because based on *my* experience with Daffodil the “next step” would be the helpful homeless people making a big pigeon cake. Or pigeon sandwich. I don’t actually know how you cook pigeon, David. But what I do know is that homeless people are very sweet until they see your pet duck and then they’re like a bunch of damn zombies. (I assume.) My mother says this is an unfair generalization and she encouraged me to go volunteer at a homeless shelter when I lived in Houston, and the people there were all very nice (except for one schizophrenic guy who had some sort of aversion to wearing pants) but that doesn’t mean I would trust any of them with my wounded pigeon.
PS. I wanted to ask how your pigeon fared but since you didn’t mention naming him I’m assuming that he must’ve been eaten. I once had a live chicken hang out on my shoulder for an entire afternoon so I totally relate to your pigeon story. Her name was Schmalzie Nugget and she was a total bad-ass. Also, she was super heavy so when she finally decided to jump off my shoulder I looked like I had scoliosis. Whenever anyone else would get near us she would peck at their face violently. Her owner tried to apologize and said it was because she was mostly blind and probably thought their earrings were bugs to eat, but I didn’t judge her because any pet chicken who fights off being eaten by homeless people long enough to go blind is a goddam hero. She was like the Chuck Norris of chickens.
PPS. Here’s a picture of me with Schmalzie:
It’s a camera phone picture. We’re not normally that fuzzy in real life.
****
From: David from peta.org
Date: April 12, 2011
Apparently, our homeless guests were satisfied enough with the vegan food that we had bestowed upon them! There was at least one other time when I was out when I came upon a bird in need. Very strange. (And several other cases when I rescued some, including a seagull who was in the median at the top of a fairly busy bridge near our headquarters. I chased that one across the oncoming-traffic lane below the top, wondering if I wouldn’t get hit in five seconds. I did capture the poor thing and we went to a wildlife rehabber’s place.) That other time, someone discovered a baby at the bottom of the building that we were in front of. We figured there was a nest up above outside of one of the windows. Who knows!
I took those all to wildlife rehabbers or some such people.
****
From: Jenny Lawson
Date: April 12, 2011
I tried eating all vegan once and I literally thought I was going to die by the 5th day. That’s the one where you can’t eat anything but air and boiled cabbage, except on Friday when you can have a banana, right? That is a harrowing diet. Those homeless people were probably just too weak from hunger to go after even a wounded bird. Weak and gassy. That’s a terrible combination.
But ignoring all that, did you say that someone discovered *a baby* at the bottom of the building you were in front of? Because that is insane and you should lead with that story. Were you in front of a convent in the 1960’s? Because if so, that sounds like an awesome made-for-tv-movie that should star Valerie Bertinelli and I want to hear more.
PS. My husband just informed me that I’ve mistaken the apparently-totally-healthy vegan diet with the rather-dangerous-and-somewhat-stupid cabbage soup diet. I should probably just erase that whole first paragraph but I’m leaving it just in case you’ve been considering going on the cabbage soup diet. Avoid the cabbage soup, David. You will never stop farting.
****
From: David from peta.org
Date: April 12, 2011
Ooh–by “baby,” I was still writing in the context of the aviary world!
I’ve not done much exploration with cabbage. It sounds like I should keep from doing so. I actually just had a dinner of nachos–much tastier than air!
~David
At this point I decided to make David my new best friend for being so awesome and asked him if he’d be okay with all of this appearing in my book. He never responded again. Probably because he was eaten by homeless people. It happens way more than you think. Also, I donate (non-duck) supplies to the homeless and am a card-carrying member of PETA so please don’t yell at me. Except technically instead of sending me a card they always send me magazines, but no one understands you when you say you’re a “magazine-carrying member of PETA.” That sounds fucking ridiculous.
In short, I support homeless people, ducks and their right to eat each other. I understand the circle of life. Just not when it involves my Daffodil.
