So I got a couple of copies of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened in traditional Chinese recently and I love the cover but I just took a closer look at the back and it’s my favorite thing ever:
The front.
And the back:
That’s me with my arm jammed in a spermy cow vagina as my sister dressed as a giant hawk tries to pull me out and it’s all over China.
That’s it, y’all. I’ve finally made it.
A lot of high school kids do monologues or speeches or interpretive scripts based on my books but I almost never get to see the finished products. This one was online though and I just watched it and it made me (cough) furiously happy. It’s based on Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. Thought I would share:
(PS. Skip to the 2 minute mark if it doesn’t do that for you automatically.)
So, I got more medical bad news and it’s not the end of the world but it means lots more invasive tests and very soon I will write about it when I can find the humor in it (and there is humor in it) but today I just feel a little low and the best way for me to get out of that is to remind myself that my words matter so today for Mental Health Awareness Month and for Jenny Wants To Do Something Happy Day I’m giving away a couple dozen copies of Furiously Happy, or Let’s Pretend This Never Happened or YOU ARE HERE: An Owner’s Manual for Dangerous Minds. Or any book you need to have stronger mental health, actually. I was going to do the usual and just pick emails from the comments but there are always people who want to buy books for others as well so why don’t we do it like we do Booksgiving? You make a brand-new wishlist with one book on it you really need and then post it here and I’ll fill as many as I can. If you want to buy a book for a stranger you can just search the comments for open lists. It is a lovely thing.
These are the steps you have to take to set up a wishlist for today:
The only rule is that this is just for books. No gift cards or clothes or anything else because it gets out of hand really quickly. Just a simple book to take you away from the world and help you find new ones.
And as always, thank you. Thank you for supporting my words and listening and passing them on to others.
PS: Here are screen shots of what you should see while making a wishlist and add a shipping destination because it’s less complicated if you have pictures to walk you through:
Create a list under “Your lists”.
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Make it a wish list, name it and make it public.
After you click “create list” click on the “public” button below:
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Click “view details” to add your shipping address to this wish list:
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Choose a shipping address and save changes.
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Now you’re ready to add something to your list. Pick a book and choose the “add to list” button on bottom right side:
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If you have another wish list set as your default (like I always do) then you’ll need to click “move to another list.”
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Just click the list you’re going to share here.
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Now go to the wish list and copy the link and then paste it into the comments. Done! There might be an easier way of doing it but that’s how I do it.
PPS. If you click on a wish list that says it’s empty that’s because the book has already been bought for them. 🙂 That is a very good thing.
PPPS. I love you guys. I’m going to rest for an hour or two but then I’ll be back to buy some books.
This isn’t a real post. It’s just a quick note to tell you that I’m going to meet the lovely people from BookPeople tomorrow in a parking lot to sign all of the books you might want personalized for Christmas/Hanukkah/Festivus/Flying Spaghetti Monster week. If you want one for yourself or for a gift make sure you call or order online by tomorrow morning so they bring enough. Also, I will be happy to write “Knock knock mofo” or “Thank you for burying that body” or “I’ll always remember that night in Vegas” or “This is the best gift ever” or whatever else. They have copies of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened and Furiously Happy. Just click to order.
(To order a signed copy of a book, place the book in your cart and indicate “SIGNED COPY” and write the name of whoever you want it made out to in the comments. They ship worldwide.)
PS. I don’t get anything extra out of doing this. I just like to give everyone the chance to get a signed copy even if they can’t ever (or don’t want to) go to a signing. Plus, it’s from an independent bookstore and that’s always a plus.
PPS. Later tonight if I can get my shit together we’re going to start the James Garfield miracle. More to come.
Dear anonymous stranger in the car ahead of me who paid for my breakfast:
You made my whole morning brighter and you inspired me to pay for the next person behind me. Which actually made me feel even better, which is the nicest thing ever but it’s also sort of weird because the gift you gave me is basically you giving me a reason to give a gift to someone else. Now my head hurts from the circularness, but it’s totally worth it.
When I got home I got a small, unexpected box of audio books from my publisher to celebrate winning an Audie award so I’m giving them out randomly to people who want them. Want one? Just leave a comment telling me if you want Furiously Happy or Let’s Pretend This Never Happened.
PS. I love you.
You guys. My book has now been translated into Czech, which is awesome because my dad’s parents are Czech and if they were still alive I think they would be very proud. Or they’d change their names and pretend they were Bolivian.
I never know what the covers are going to look like so it’s always a surprise. This one is a particular favorite because I’m pretty sure they dressed up a live mouse in a Shakespearean costume, and also because it literally has the word “fuck” scrawled right on the front cover. That’s not something I did myself. The cover is intentionally vandalized. And that is awesome.
I think it translates to “Fuck. This is true?” Which? Fair enough, I guess.
Apparently it’s getting good reviews, although I can’t read them because I don’t speak Czech. But I did do a translation of one of them and this paragraph was pretty explanatory:
“When the snake looks like a rattlesnake and still has before him an armed to the teeth mother, it’s the same as if you were in front of the cop and pulled out a fake gun. In both cases you are expecting nothing but death. Texas is a state where they once banned sodomy and oral sex, but calmly here in the name of passion hunting is tolerated when guys smell like skunks.”
So, yeah. NAILED IT.
PS. This could never have happened without your amazing support so as a small token of thanks I’m giving away an autographed copy of my book in whatever language you want. Or an autographed copy of someone else’s book. Or a banana. You want me to sign a banana? ‘Cause I can do that. You need a cake? Whatever you want really. Just tell me what you want in the comments and I’ll randomly pick someone to send an autographed hamster or whatever it is you need.
UPDATED: Okay, I’m sending signed weird things to several of you but the actual winner is Karen Martin, who made me cry a little with her comment:
One of my last favorite fabulous days with my mother was sitting on the beach raeding your book right when it came out. I was laughing so hard at everything and mom asked what was so funny? So I started reading aloud the part I was reading at that moment and mom grabbed the book out of my hands and proceeded to read the entire book! She loved it and once I got it back, so did I! Mom suffered from six strokes shortly thereafter and held on for almost a year after. I was blessed with the gift of caring for her during that time and would read your book to her wvwn though she couldn’t outwardly respond. I know she was laughing inside though. In her memory, I would love a book signed to her, Claudette, so I can always see a visual of the love we shared and all the laughter! You rock, Jenny, and you rocked my mom’s world, too!
Thank you so much for sharing that, Karen. Check your email.
My first book just got released in Polish, and I haven’t seen it in real life but the cover looks sort of baffling and also adorable.
I don’t speak Polish so I did a quick auto-translation to see what they’re actually saying about the book:
LET US MAKE BELIEVE THAT THIS IS NOT usually TRUE
AUTOBIOGRAPHY
Jenny Lawson, PRIME MINISTER 27 AUGUST 2014Hot Barbara and Wanda Gadomskie:
Jenny Lawson comes from killed desk holes in Texas. She grew up amidst a house of sensational eccentrics, insulated by asbestos. Her father – Feelin’ hairy giant who looks like a dangerous version of ZACHA Galifianakisa – loved animals, but outside the right across … hunts and he taxidermies them. Mama was in turn a hot advocate of literate interpretation of the maxim: “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”, which could not remain without influence on psychology of the heroine and her emotional life, especially as a child that already suffers from anxiety and depression. Jenny decided to tell their story and not wrapped in cotton. Through her sense of humor, millions of people doubted their own common sense, breaking my head, for example, on the author’s mad theory that Jesus really was a zombie.
I just read this to Victor and he was like, “That sounds like a better book than the one you wrote” and I’ll admit, it sounds intriguing. The most fascinating part is that according to the title I think I’m going to be crowned the new Polish Prime Minister on August 27th. I’m not sure it lasts longer than that one day so if you want any Polish laws, commandments or wishes passed then please leave them in the comments and I’ll approve all of them by waving the scepter I got when I became a Czar. I assume it works internationally. Also, I think this makes me a foreign diplomat and unarrestable on that day so I’m saving up all of my arson for then. Don’t piss me off on August the 26th or you’ll be fucked.
PS. I just got a few copies of the Turkish version of my book in the mail and I’m giving a signed copy away if you want it. Just leave me a comment and I’ll pick one. Or if you prefer I’ll give you an English version. Or I’ll pass a Polish proclamation that Saturday will henceforth be known as “YOUR-NAME-HEREday” and free cheeses will be available to all. Up to you, really.
That’s supposed to be me on the cover. It’s not really the most flattering position.
So this week I did a keynote address at the Texas Conference for Women. The other keynote speakers were all uber-professional and awesome, and one was a nobel peace laureate, and they all said very important, inspirational things. And then I got on the stage and panicked and decided to do a reading from my book about the time I got my arm stuck up a cow’s vagina. In my defense though, I’m me, so it wasn’t like they didn’t know they were getting into, and surprisingly few people actually walked out. I suspect the few who did walk out probably just had cow vagina phobia (I feel ya, sisters) but then later I realized it might have been for another reason altogether. Very sweet friends sent me photos of myself on stage and some of them made me look almost professional:
Pretend I was saying something profound here and not just explaining how easy it is to get your arm broken in a cow vagina.
Then my friend Laura sent me pictures from the back. After the fifth one I had noticed they all had one similarity:
Do you see it?
You might not notice from the picture, but after looking at a series of them all I can see is what appears to be my right nipple escaping from my shirt.
No shit. It's in EVERY shot.
And I know it’s not my nipple because I’m about to turn 40 and my nipples weren’t that perky even when I was 20. In fact, I’d almost be proud if that was an accidental nip-slip, because who wouldn’t be impressed with nipples that are so perky they seem to be reading the book along with me? Answer: Professional conference attendees staring at a possible wonky nipple during a 20-minute diatribe about cow vaginas.
Let me assure you, it was not my nipple. I suspect it was shadow of the circular microphone on the podium, but now I’m worried that thousands of women think I was intentionally showing off my one good nipple. I would never do that, y’all. Because I’m a lady.
And now that I’ve straightened that out (or possibly made it much, much worse) I’m going to change the subject to tell you that I just opened a box from my editor and it was filled with my book in Portuguese. I think. I’m not good with languages. But as an early Christmas/Hanukkah present I’m going to give away signed Portuguese copies to a few random commenters. Why would you even want this? I have no idea. But I guarantee that you’ll be the only one with one.
I shoved the cover in my cat's face and screamed, "HEY, CAT! YOU'RE TOTALLY FAMOUS IN BRAZIL," and then she ran and hid under the couch. Some people just can't handle fame.
Did you know that Alexa gives you a list of search phrases that they believe drives traffic to your blog? Because, yeah. Here are mine:
Honestly, I’m not sure whether I’m more “proud” or “ashamed”. I’m leaning toward “both”.
PS. When you actually do a google search for “sloth texas divorce” my blog is not even on the front page. Probably because surprise sloths made our marriage stronger. Stop jumping to conclusions, Alexa. You don’t even know us.
UPDATED ( 7 hours later): If you google “Texas sloth divorce” this blog is now actually the very first thing that pops up. Conclusion: Alexa is fucking psychic.
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And in entirely unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up:
What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
What you missed on the internets:
This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by the fantastically odd novel, Can’t Buy Me Love, by Summer Kinard. It’s a story about a freegan who falls in love after finding a scrapbook in a dumpster. The story comes complete with masked female Mexican wrestlers, lemurs and miracles, awesome lesbians, a psychic Jewish grandmother, a yarn-bombing midwife, and it’s quite possibly the only romance where tacos save the day. You should probably buy it.
Today I got a box filled with vintage glass cow eyeballs. Except replace “vintage glass cow eyeballs” with “new copies of the UK version of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened“.
They’re very similar in that they are both fairly baffling and people can’t help but pick them up and wonder at them. And also, you don’t actually need a whole box of them. At most you can only use a dozen glass cow eyeballs and then the rest just go to waste. Ditto with a giant box of books. That’s why I’m giving away several here this week (autographed books, not eyeballs). All you have to do is leave a comment and you’re entered to win.
This copy includes the new chapter, which you might possibly be in. Please don't sue me.
What should you comment about? Anything. Your favorite toe. The pet names of your body parts. How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime. The number of bodies you can fit under your bed. It’s totally up to you.
Also, for some strange reason this bewildering memoir is still on the Indie Bestseller lists and the NYT bestseller list and I’m still getting emails from people who had never even heard of this blog but who stumbled over the book and are so thankful that they’ve finally found their tribe. Thank you for being that tribe. And thank you for letting me be a part of it.
THINGS I LOVE TODAY: THESE SOCKS
