Today I’m in Portland doing a signing and reading so while I’m on tour I’m running some of my old posts. This one is from 2008:
This is how the conversation went in my head:
Waiter: Would you like soup?
Me: No.
Waiter: I must insist! The soup is excellent!
Me: Soup is all flavor and no substance. I do not like soup.
Waiter: I bet you like broccoli and cheese. I’m going to blend this broccoli and cheese until it’s mush and then add a gallon of water. Okay?
Me: I don’t want you to add water to my food. I do that myself. It’s called ‘spit’.
Waiter: How about some potato soup? We warm up some water and then we wave a baked potato near it for a few minutes. You’ll love it!
Me: No.
Waiter: How about some thin gruel? It’s all the rage in Europe.
Me: Please leave me alone about the soup.
Waiter: We’ll plop some ice in it for you. Make it a nice ‘summer gruel’.
Me: Listen, the only soup I like is soup with big chunks in it and even then I only eat the chunks. It’s only good if it’s boiled so much the water evaporates and it becomes a solid again so why don’t we just skip the middle-man and you just bring me damn solid food?
Waiter: Ah. I’ll bring you a bisque.
Me: You’ll bring me your death warrant and a machete!
This is how the conversation went in real life:
Waiter: Would you like soup?
Me: No.
Waiter: It’s quite good.
Me: *sigh* Okay.