Soup: Real life vs. In my head

Today I’m in Portland doing a signing and reading so while I’m on tour I’m running some of my old posts.  This one is from 2008:

This is how the conversation went in my head:

Waiter:  Would you like soup?

Me:  No.

Waiter:  I must insist!  The soup is excellent!

Me:  Soup is all flavor and no substance.  I do not like soup.

Waiter: I bet you like broccoli and cheese.  I’m going to blend this broccoli and cheese until it’s mush and then add a gallon of water.  Okay?

Me:   I don’t want you to add water to my food.  I do that myself.  It’s called ‘spit’.

Waiter:  How about some potato soup?  We warm up some water and then we wave a baked potato near it for a few minutes.  You’ll love it!

Me:  No.

Waiter:  How about some thin gruel?  It’s all the rage in Europe.

Me:  Please leave me alone about the soup.

Waiter: We’ll plop some ice in it for you.  Make it a nice ‘summer gruel’.

Me:  Listen, the only soup I like is soup with big chunks in it and even then I only eat the chunks.  It’s only good if it’s boiled so much the water evaporates and it becomes a solid again so why don’t we just skip the middle-man and you just bring me damn solid food?

Waiter:  Ah.  I’ll bring you a bisque.

Me:  You’ll bring me your death warrant and a machete!

This is how the conversation went in real life:

Waiter:  Would you like soup?

Me:  No.

Waiter:  It’s quite good.

Me:  *sigh*  Okay.

138 thoughts on “Soup: Real life vs. In my head

Read comments below or add one.

  1. *Crosses off tomato soup from possible menu for when the Bloggess comes over for dinner.* How do you feel about grilled cheese sandwiches?

    Please remember – you ARE good at it.

  2. Why am I just now finding your blog? Yesterday I read the post about Sasquatch & high-quality photos, and d**n near hurt myself trying to stifle my laughter. So, though I love to cook & eat soup, I guess I’ll give you a pass for making me laugh! Can’t wait till I can get back to Texas for some real barbecue — it’s all pork here.

  3. Your made up in your head conversation with the waiter is pretty much my real life conversations about soup with my husband and kids.

    Hubs (after just finishing a hearty homemade soup with bread (also homemade) and salad: “That was good. What’s for dinner?”

    Argh.

  4. It’s 5am here! Get some sleep woman, so you’ll be your awesome self when you sign my book tonight! I’ll be the one with the busted arm. Can’t freakin’ wait!

  5. They’re also rather pushy by insisting that you accept their damn glasses of water. I’m always disappointed when I taste it and find out that it’s not Tequila.

    Have fun in Portland, m’dear!

  6. I love these ‘re-runs’ some of my all time favorites are coming through. Soup? pah! who eats soup? -unless you have no teeth & then it is probably all you do eat…just through a straw. ACTUALLY, my granddad had no teeth but still used to eat toffee & boiled sweets, so I take that back! Way to go gummy people!!

  7. Soup is banned from my house. My husband won’t touch it. He says that if he has teeth, he wants to chew his food. If one day he looses all those teeth, then he will eat soup.

  8. You might be codependent if…..you agree to the soup because he asked twice and nice, even though you clearly hate soup.

    You are my kind of people.

  9. I would bet the conversation in your head transpired in the seconds between “It’s quite good” and “Okay”. I can so relate. I rarely share the conversations that take place only in my head because the response is normally a blank stare of confusion.

  10. I like soup. Although both me and my husband favor soups that are so dense no mortal spoon may find it’s way to the bottom of the bowl. If your soup is too thin, add noddles. BAM instant pasta dish.

  11. I like soup. It keeps me skinny-ish, and enables me to use leftovers at home. Oh and for my kids they will sometimes eat vegetables if I’m sneaky enough about it. Sneaky soup. That’s my favorite kind really. But I think the fam is catching on to my game…

  12. I make a MEAN potato soup. Actually, we call it left-over soup. All left-overs go in a pot and are tortured with heat until consistency of wallpaper past and bottem layer is melded to bottom of pot for all eternity. You need a knife and fork to eat this stuff. *grin*

  13. But…. DID YOU LIKE THE SOUP?!?! I’m not going to be able to do anything until I know!

    PS Hope the tour is going swimmingly

  14. Hahaha I like soup, but the waiters NEVER know if its really vegetarian or just doesn’t sound like it has meat in it. NOT THE SAME.

  15. Why can’t the realize our inability to say no to anything due to the intense need to be liked and leave us alone after we’ve said “no” once? Don’t they realize how hard that one “no” was? Or maybe that’s just me. Probably just me. Off to find my self esteem. I know I left that thing somewhere around here…..

  16. I hate chicken noodle soup. Most people love it, but i can’t stand it. Last summer, when i was sick, my boyfriend made me a big bowl of chicken noodle soup, and we hadn’t been dating that long, so i didn’t know how to tell him that i hated it. I ate the whole thing to avoid hurting his feelings. I am never doing that again. No man is worth eating chicken noodle soup for.

  17. Thanks. Now I have to go apologize to a friend of mine for giving him a hard time about his “unique” soup aversion. Until this point I believed he was the only one who thought of soup in this way, but now here you are repeating his argument verbatim.

  18. Thank heavens! I thought I was an oddball because I don’t understand the point of soup. Stew, yes. Soup, no. How can soup be a meal? It’s just flavoring for the crackers.

  19. I love that most of your “Conversations in your head” assume that whoever you are talking to is socially awkward and doesn’t know when to shut the hell up. 🙂

  20. I want to live a day inside of your head…. sounds creepy, but people say it to me so…. now I’m saying it because I always actually “LOL” when I read you. You complete me. I am picking your book for my Moms Club Book Club. That’s right, I’m cool. I’m in a club within a club, and they aren’t dorky at all..

  21. Jenny: Thanks for being amazing last night in San Diego. It was *almost* ok that I had a panic attack in a room swarming with strangers because I got to meet you and you were so sweet. And Lisa was really nice, too!

    Anyway, thank you again, for coming to San Diego, for giving a giant crowd of misfits a great evening, and for just being your incredible self.

  22. God i hate soup. Always have. Thank you. I recently had abdominal surgery and am having trouble with the restricted diet. Everybody says “Oh have some really good soup.” Soup is warm liquid with chunks in it (or no chunks) and gags me even when i’m feeling well.

  23. If you’re really up this early I assume you’re getting Voodoo Donuts…because yum. (Or you’re just smarter than me and schedule posts ahead of time. Ha!) Sigh. I love Portland…but it’s not hot enough for my husband there (he wants us to move to San Antonio or Florida) .

    I love soup…when it’s in a bread bowl (clam chowder in a sourdough breadbowl on Pier 39 in San Fran) or when you can dip grilled cheese in it. Otherwise I concur: it’s a vessel for crackers. Damn it. Now I’m hungry and it’s too warm in Mpls for soup.

  24. The word “no” has two letters and one whole syllable. How can it be so hard to comprehend?

    Bisque is just weird, though. I mean, I can understand using a thickening agent, but ground up shells? Really? This is a thing?

    @Jess, bread bowls are indeed wonderful, and that’s because it’s not soup, but a wonderful loaf of bread loaded with a delicious sauce with which to cover the bread.

  25. Oh man! My fiance is in Portland today on business, I wish I could have gone with him. I would have made my way to you. Did you put a bird on anything?

  26. So close to Portland, yet far enough without the right transport. I guess I will just have to listen to the Audio edition of your book *again* and imagine you are really in the room reading it and not just on the Audible app. I never liked soup until I left home and found that soup can have real chunks of food in it and not just a potato waved at it.

  27. Since this was a blog re-run….and for some ridiculous reason I continue to watch Seinfeld re-runs….I feel it could be appropriate to reminisce about the episode where soup was only a meal with crackers. 😉

  28. I’m so glad I’m not alone in having conversations with someone in my head completely different from how they are in real life… makes me feel less… uhm… different? 😉

  29. I do like soup, but I LIKE TO PLAY with the waiters

    Me, what’s the soup of the day
    Waiter, whatever
    Me, is it nice
    Waiter, Oh, yes, very nice
    Me, When did you have some today
    Waiter, Excuse me (flustered)

    Works every time I haven’t managed to find one yet who has been quick enough to answer…. Bless em I doi usually leave a tip

  30. In addition to amusing me, this post also helped me decide what to make for lunch. Soup it is! (I love soup. I think it’s because I’m always cold and the broth warms me up.)

  31. I can’t fucking believe you are on Bob River’s show this morning and I don’t have a motherfucking RADIO in my MOTHERFUCKING OFFICE and my SHIT FOR BRAINS computer won’t let me listen to it online.

    OH WELL! I get to hug you tomorrow…I hope…so…that’ll have to do. You *do* give hugs to perfectly harmless PNN Blog mates, don’t you? What if I sweeten the pot…with PASKETTI!

    No one can resist my pasketti-charm.

    Also? I look forward to the boob signing in the parking lot. I’ll bring my own Sharpie thankyouverymuch…

  32. People never understand my hatred of soup – I don’t understand why people enjoy flavored water. And no, cream based, cheese based, or even stews doesn’t make it any better – I see it as mashed up watery food. I feel so much better understood now, thank you.

    Enjoy Portland – one of my favorite cities.

  33. That’s odd, i thought you were in Toronto today I just heard you on the radio this morning!! Those prerecorded interviews are misleading lol

  34. I don’t want to eat anything that rhymes with cruel. Soup is like Chinese food, 5 minutes after you eat it you’re hungry again. It’s a tease.

  35. It’s like you read my mind. Soup is one of the most anti-climactic foods out there. Even if it tastes amazing, it can’t ever truly satisfy me.

  36. If I hadn’t just spent 12+ hours on the road driving home yesterday, I’d totally do the 4 hour roundtrip drive it takes for me to see you in Portland. I’m sure you’ll be great and have a good time.

    I just can’t seem to convince myself to get back into the car.

    Also I have similar complaints about soup, but goddamn if some of it isn’t delicious.

  37. So, Emma Roberts just tweeted about how much she loved your book. Do you realize what this means? It means she’s probably going to suggest it to her favorite aunt (JULIA ROBERTS) who will love it as well. Now I’m really excited for the movie they’re going to make about your book.

  38. YES! I thought I was one of the few out there. My rule for soup is “more eatable, less drinkable” which usually blocks out most bisques, soups, and even chowders. Soup, to me, just looks like dirty rain water and I do not want to drink/eat dirty rain water.

  39. About bisque — you don’t eat the shells. The recipes start out saying to break up the shells because otherwise you get too much water for flavor. After the stock boils, you strain out all the chunky shell bits and do more to it.

    I like soup….but I’d never force anyone to eat it. Except my 5yo …and even that’s just one taste. She’s allowed to say “no thank you” after she takes a taste of anything. Except medicine…. yeah, I’m having trouble getting past details today, aren’t I? Sigh.

  40. OMG! I thought I was the only one who disliked soup! Should have known that here in Bloggess world, I would find my soulmates. I don’t like soup, don’t want soup, and people keep telling me how much I will like their soup – Please stop.
    I went to a dietician once, and she told me to lose weight, I had to switch one meal a day with soup, preferably a broth. I think it was then I decided that an extra 10 pounds was worth not eating soup everyday.

  41. In MY head, I gave the waiter a bad French accent. Both in the imaginary and the real conversations.

  42. My in laws are Chinese.

    We are forever going to Chinese restaurants that give you “free” soup.

    Except I know that it’s not free soup.

    It’s dishwater.

    Ack.

    Totally with you on the no-soup rule.

  43. I love soup. Wait no, I hate it. I like stews and soups that are like stews, you know, that are basically saucy meals. My mother in law looooooves brothy soups and especially on hot days. Her dream is to have a gallon of chicken broth with a 1/3 of a carrot in it, on a 100 degree desert SW day. Ick. Broth soups are for the terminally ill, or, when I had a Mexican parasite and could only keep down broth. Otherwise, salty water is NOT a meal.

  44. all with you on this one, sista’. hate soup. and it’s very dicey (see how i did that?) when you are eating out because it’s soooooooooo easy to hide stuff in soup. just can’t stomach the possibility.

  45. Conversation Currently Going on in my head:
    Me: How can anyone hate soup?!
    Bloggess: Um, you read the blog. There were many, many reasons. Cut out the middle man.
    Me: Would you like the soup if it were served to you by a taxidermy weasel, or would that make it worse?
    Bloggess: Leave Juanita out of this!
    Me: Sigh. But I love you. AND I love soup. I just don’t know if I can handle this,
    Bloggess: You can handle this. I make you laugh until your tummy hurts. And I never said YOU couldn’t continue to love soup. Go buy your can of soup a red dress or something and be Furiously Happy! Rock on with your soupy-self. Just don’t try to feed me any.
    Me: You are so wise.

  46. I feel EXACTLY the same way about soup! 🙂

    My friends and I are SO FREAKING EXCITED to see you tonight in Portland!!! You’re our kinda peoples. Let me know if you want some tips for great spots to see in the City of Roses. 🙂

    Keeping Portland Wierd,
    Theresa

  47. I just peed a little (OK, maybe a lot) while simultaneously hiding my face since my HR Director was coming my way and there were tears streaming down my cheeks. How do I explain that even though my nose looks like Rudolph after a 3 day binge and my mascara is running, I am not in fact in major pain or experiencing any trauma? Unless that trauma includes trying to keep my guffawing laughter inside because it did hurt and now I have a headache and a stuffy nose. So thank you for that! Sincerely

  48. if you’re going to eat soup, just go straight to tequila or some other liquid beverage of choice. about the same calories (if you have to justify it somehow) and heck, you sure do feel A LOT better!

  49. Story of my life…hence the blog title. Just can’t say no, huh? Now I want some Ramen. No soup. Just noodles. All sodium, no nutrients!

  50. I love soup. I’ll have yours. Yum. ; )

    I’m thrilled you added Portland to your book tour, and completely crushed that I can’t make it there. My boss called a ridiculous last-minute meeting and IT WASN’T EVEN NECESSARY. 🙁 Since I live two hours away, it wrecked my chance to make it to Powell’s. Hope you have a great time and someone brings you Voodoo instead of soup.

  51. I’m so excited that you’re in Portland! I may out may not have gotten to Powell’s two and a half hours early.

  52. One night (after far too much alcohol), a friend of my husband’s argued with him for at least an hour about the sodium content of soup. I haven’t been able to look at soup the same way since.

  53. As much as I totally adore you and bitched ceaselessly about you needing to come to Seattle, I don’t think I’m actually going to be able to meet you. Sigh. I’ve been having godawful back pain radiating down my arm for three weeks now and I’m having an MRI Thursday. I know you wanted to know all that… Anyway, my point is that depending on the level of pain I’m in, you may have one more or one fewer fan turning up. Whether I’m there or not, I hope you have a fabulous time meeting your Seattle groupies, and make sure to wear something for hot weather. It’s supposed to be in the 80s. Much love. And if you see someone in a splendidly retarded outfit, it’s probably me.

  54. This was made funnier by the tiny print on my kindle causing me to think I was reading a conversation between you and some guy named “WALTER”. Why does Walter care if you eat soup or not?

  55. Waiting in my great seat in Beaverton! Probably close to 300 people here! Very exciting

  56. I am SO bummed that my daughter and I can’t make it to Beaverton to see you tonight! We both have problems with heat, and it’s been just too hot for us to even spend any time outside, much less stand in line even to see you. I’ve been in tears a couple of times over it already… We planned to have you sign our printed and cut out Beyonce and Juanita. Hope you have a great turnout and that you enjoy the weirdos here in Portland as much as we enjoy YOU.

  57. Actual conversation between me and my husband:
    ME: Hey, Pete. Go ahead and serve yourself some Taco Soup from the crock pot. I’m going to change the baby and be right there.
    PETER: Sure.
    (Later)
    ME: Uh … you used a slotted spoon?
    PETER: Uh-huh.
    ME: To serve soup?
    PETER: Yeah! It’s great! You get all the chunks and meat and stuff without all the juice!
    ME: IT’S SOUP!!!
    [From “A Romance For the Ages” on DarthMama.com]

  58. Thank you for being sooooooooooo awesome and signing my shoe! You rock! Portland loves you!

  59. From the wikipedia article on Bisque (the soup, not the pseudo-ceramic): “Bisque is a method of extracting every bit of flavor from imperfect crustaceans not good enough to send to market. In an authentic bisque, the shells are ground to a fine paste and added to thicken the soup.”

    In the world outside the kitchen, we call such things cement. Watery, watery cement. Worse, it’s watery cement made from things not good enough to sell on their own. Yeah, no.

  60. Just had the opportunity to meet you in real life at your Portland signing. What a fabulous experience! Thanks for taking the time, you were amazing!!

  61. I love the idea of potato soup just being warm water with a baked potato that was near it for a while. My husband makes soup like that sometimes. I wish I were kidding, but seriously, that is exactly how it tastes!

    Next time ask for salad!

  62. While you’re in Seattle tomorrow, and also the next day, do you think you could venture to my place of nannydom? The young charges are not a fan of bookstores (or rather, bookstores are not fans of them…turns out drool and gnawing on corners of books while asking every single patron, “WHAT IS YOUR NAME!? HEY! WHAT’S YOUR NAME?!” does little to boost sales.

    On second thought, that’s a creepy request. Plus you’ll be busy signing cleavage, methinks!

    So maybe next time!

  63. Thank you so much for coming to Portland. You were funny, beautiful, and gracious, staying until well after the store closed to make sure everyone had a chance to have their book signed and meet you. I was truly honored to meet you, and even more impressed after the fact.

  64. It was awesome meeting you tonight! My dad said he’s going to start reading your blog, and wants to borrow the book! The only down fall? The lady that took my picture with you, didn’t actually take a picture! Bummer. At least I got a signed copy of your book! Thanks again!

  65. I feel awkward intruding on your soup post to talk about the book. But, I just got a part time job at the library. So I have less than zero money and access to *all the books*! I cannot express my joy when I saw that I had dropped from #69 to #6 on the hold list! Then it came for me THE NEXT DAY! SQUEEE!! When I have thirty-ish bucks to spare (which should be about the time my 6-yr-old knocks it off with the pull-ups, already) I’m going to totally buy the hardback. Because it’s something I can hand down to my daughter when she is 15. And I will say, “Honey, I know. But, it could’ve been so much worse. Here, read this.”

  66. You were wonderful tonight at mini-Powell’s (glad you visited the real, mega Powell’s yourself. The branch you were in is but a pale echo echo echo). Funny, touching, hilarious, endearing, hysterical, moving, have I mentioned funny? Sigh, our little secret all grown up and filling big rooms with a bazillion fans…

    Thanks for being you, and for being courageous and for facing your fears, and for making it a little bit more OK for us to face ours.

  67. I would worry that they’re trying to push it on you because it’s really a bowl of all the left-overs and about-to-expire food that they just boiled the taste out of and splashed some broth in. GET THE SALAD.

  68. Thank you for a wonderful night. I laughed so hard, I cried. It was great meeting you, and have my book signed (crazy and all) I went home to my husband and read the chapter that you had read to us. He loved it. Thank you for helping me laugh at my own crazy, and for just making me laugh during a hard year.

  69. You were awesome last night! I’m really glad you were able to see the City of Books downtown (a wonderous place isn’t it?) before heading to what we call the Suburb of Books here in Beaverton.

    Right after my husband, daughter and I got our picture taken with you I mentioned a wee piece of trivia about our local doughnut shop, Voodoo Doughnut – if no one took you there they suck and that will have to be rectified on your next trip and they are open 24hrs so you can avoid the crowds.

    ANYWAY, once upon a time they served Nyquil and Pepto doughnuts and I thought I’d drop a link to an article about it for fun. http://www.time.com/time/travel/cityguide/article/0,31489,1975826_1975753_1975584,00.html

    As an added note – I wish one of us had had our cameras going in the back of the room because something that happened that would have just made you keel over laughing. In the row in front of my group some “lady” felt the need to haul her tatas skyward and apply de-stinker to the underside of said tatas IN FRONT OF ALL OF US. My OCD (no really, I call her by her Indian name – Runs With OCD) started twitching and gasping like a drowning fish she was so shocked. There are just some lines a person ought not cross in public… so much for the mysterious allure of womanhood.

  70. THanks for the wonderful book signing and for reading a wonderful chapter of your book! my mom gets here on friday and she is borrowing my signed copy of the book, but I’ll still have my signed IPAD so all will be well.
    You were quite funny, personable and lovely. Hearing you read from your own words was all sorts of awesome. I hope the pegasus keeps the name you mentioned!!
    JWW

  71. Last night was amazing! I was one of the people at the very very end, and my shyness kicked in right as I got to the front of the line, so I was super awkward. You rocked!

  72. This is too funny. Peer pressure is tough, my sister is one of those people who always seems to order the suggested dish, she has a hard time saying “No”. You can talk her into about anything if you ask her like three times in a row. When the fam gets really bored at Christmas we offer her crack, it’s probably not a smart thing to do but it’s fairly cheap entertainment. 🙂 Just Kidding, Say “No” to drugs…and Soup…

  73. My mom used to make the post-Thanksgiving soup with leftover gravy. No water.
    We’re fans of what we call not-so-soupy-soup in my house. More like really wet rice with bits of chicken and veg. No celery any more. DS thinks it’s toxic or something, probably due to its low sugar content.

  74. In fact, if you were having a Chinese waiter, the conversation in your head could have been the reality. We are bunch of people who would not take no for answer, particularly when it is about introducing a healthy food! ready? Try rice soup for 10 days, it works much better than lipo-poison. Rice soup is cooked by adding 1 cup of dry rice grains to 1 gallon of water, slow cooked until rice grain is gone. You are only allowed to drink it with either pickled pepper or a pinch of salt. Guaranteed to lose fat and not to kill you. Following that, decrease your diet to 1/2 so that you can enjoy your recovered beauty for life. Side effect: say bye bye to depression.

  75. You were fantastic last night in Portland. Thanks so much for coming and sharing. You’re the best!!!

  76. Our group had such a good time at your signing on Wednesday!!!! It was worth all the craziness that happened leading up to that point, including a 5 hour road trip (10 hours total b/c we drove home that same night), the multiple near shankings, the 5 million mile trek across Beaverton to get to the bookstore, and the marathon cross-stitching I had to do to finish the unicorn for you. Thank you for being so ridiculously awesome!!!

  77. It was well worth the 5 hour drive (10 hours total b/c we drove back that same night), the multiple near-shankings, the 500 million mile walk in the boiling heat, and the marathon cross-stitching session just to meet you! I hope the rainbow-shitting unicorn brings you plenty of smiles & thank you for being so ridiculously awesome!!!!

  78. You were even more fabulous and beautiful in person than I imagined! Thank you so much for putting Portlandia on your tour. You deserve a freaking medal. Seriously. 🙂

  79. Soup is an abomination. It was invented to get rid of leftovers and substandard ingredients. Let’s see…we have some corn, a ham bone, moldy bread… throw it in a pot of water for a few hours, they won’t notice what we did there.

  80. I have had this conversation, except about seafood (I love soup) and living in a fishing ‘village’ the waiters here will actually argue the point to DEATH until I feel like screaming “IF YOU BRING ME AN EFFING FISH I WILL BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH IT” but instead excuse myself never to ever return and really I wouldn’t hit anyone with a fish as seafood makes me sad, nauseous and there for not very likely to touch it. Plus I’m pretty sure my dinner mates are already planning on banning me from our outings anyway and slapping a poor waiter with a fish would most defiantly not help my case, unless maybe I screamed “Mosquito!” while I did it.

  81. Well. . .shit. I just found out you were in P-Town last week. When did I find out? Today. This information is not helpful so late in the game. ((sigh)) I need a Day Planner…

  82. Yes! I thought I was the only one in the whole world who didn’t like soup! I’m like…”It’s a bunch of food chunks in a bunch of wet stuff. What’s the point of all that wet stuff?”

    I’ll eat tomato soup, though, if it’s nice and thick and more like a sauce, and only if there’s a grilled cheese sandwich on the side. And then I’ll dip my sandwich in it like it’s tomato au jus and give the rest to my husband.

  83. I go on a crazy Private Practice and Grey’s Anatomy marathon and I miss that YOU WERE IN PORTLAND?!?!?!?! Damn it! I have failed myself!

    On a side note, when I first started reading your blog, I read it with a british accent. I was totally convinced that you were british. You completely messed up my reading when I had to change your voice in my head from Dr. Who’s girl of choice to Reba McIntyre. Is Reba from Texas? Did I spell her name right? That’d be a total fail if I botched that. Never mind.

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