Last month when we were in Atlanta I found an old, two-headed taxidermied bobcat in a thrift shop that I really wanted to buy, but then I noticed that the shop also had a human hand in a jar for sale. I couldn’t justify buying both of them and that’s when I realized that this is probably the kind of torture that normal women go through when they’re forced to pick only one pair of shoes. The bobcats were awesome because they were on clearance, so they were twice as cute and half off. The math does itself. Victor disagreed, but I pointed out that there was a lot going with these bobcat heads. One face seemed conservative and cranky while the other seemed flighty and possibly insane. These heads were a personification of us. The Victor-ish head seemed to say, “No. This is a terrible idea” but the me-head was like, “I CAN’T WAIT TO GO HOME WITH YOU GUYS. GIMME A SNUGGLE AND A BALLOON.”
But the severed hand was cool too, mostly because it was tattooed in the most ironic way ever.
You have to question how “lucky” a guy is if he ends up with his hand in a jar, but severed rabbit feet are supposed to be lucky too so maybe this all makes sense somehow. I couldn’t decide between the two so I held them up to Victor one at a time. “Which is better? The conjoined bobcat faces or the severed hand?” He looked at me like he was in pain. I don’t blame him though. It was a tough decision. Victor insisted that I couldn’t buy both but I cradled the bobcat heads and said, “I don’t know. I really need ‘a hand’ with these two. Literally.” Victor pointed out that we were getting on a plane in a few hours and I probably couldn’t bring a human hand through airport security, and I was like “Good point. Because of the liquid formaldehyde, huh?” And he was like “AND BECAUSE IT’S A HUMAN HAND.” I don’t know much liquid can you bring on a plane if a severed hand is displacing most of it so I still couldn’t decide but then the clerk pointed out that the hand was an old movie prop made of latex and so I decided to pass on it because I’m allergic to latex. I paid for my cat(s) but I couldn’t come up with good names for them. Victor suggested “Hang-Nail & SideCat” but I asked twitter and they suggested several winners too and now I can’t decide. So I’m going to let you decide. Please vote on the best names for the newest members of my terrible posse: Take Our Poll
UPDATED: Another option. Please don’t sue me, Kevin Smith. It’s a tribute. Swear to Alanis Morissette. 