Conversation with me and Victor:
me: I just realized something: Spiders have eight legs and eight eyes, and humans have two legs and two eyes, and worms have no legs and no eyes.
Victor: And?
me: And cats have four legs…BUT ONLY TWO EYES.
Victor: Um…yep.
me: I mean, it doesn’t follow, does it? Are they missing eyes? Do they have too many legs? Are they supposed to be bipedal but they’re just lazy?
Victor: That’s not how biology works.
me: WHY DO CATS HAVE ALL THOSE EXTRA LEGS? WHAT ARE THEY USING THEM FOR?
Victor: Have you been drinking?
me: No, I’ve been thinking.
Victor: Just as dangerous with you, really.
me: So here’s my theory…
Victor: Oh, good. There’s a theory.
me: I think that cats intentionally don’t walk around on their hind legs because they know if they started standing upright we’d expect them to get day jobs because that’s the next step in evolution.
Victor: What about dogs? They have four legs and two eyes.
me: Yes, but dogs can walk around on their hind legs if they want to. They just look ridiculous doing it so we’re like, “Oh, stop that. You’re embarrassing all of us.” They’re always trying to stand up on their hind legs when you enter the room and their owners are all, “GET DOWN, MR. PUMPERNICKEL. WE DO NOT JUMP UP ON OUR VISITORS. STOP SMELLING CROTCHES.”
Victor: Hmm.
me: They clearly want to stand on their back legs. I think dogs would have probably turned bipedal years ago if we weren’t so uptight about crotches.
Victor: Wow. You’re absolutely right.
me: I’m…wait. You’re agreeing with me?
Victor: If it makes you stop talking, then yes. I agree wholeheartedly.
me: Oh. How terribly disappointing.
I wanted to post a picture of Hunter S. Thomcat standing on his hind legs but he got all intentionally floppy on me so instead I’m posting a picture of him wearing an inflatable unicorn horn:
