I think I’m onto something but probably not.

Conversation with me and Victor:

me:  I just realized something: Spiders have eight legs and eight eyes, and humans have two legs and two eyes, and worms have no legs and no eyes.

Victor:  And?

me:  And cats have four legs…BUT ONLY TWO EYES.

Victor:  Um…yep.

me:  I mean, it doesn’t follow, does it?  Are they missing eyes?  Do they have too many legs?  Are they supposed to be bipedal but they’re just lazy?

Victor:  That’s not how biology works.


Victor:  Have you been drinking?

me:  No, I’ve been thinking.

Victor:  Just as dangerous with you, really.

me:  So here’s my theory…

Victor:  Oh, good.  There’s a theory.

me:  I think that cats intentionally don’t walk around on their hind legs because they know if they started standing upright we’d expect them to get day jobs because that’s the next step in evolution.

Victor:  What about dogs?  They have four legs and two eyes.

me:  Yes, but dogs can walk around on their hind legs if they want to.  They just look ridiculous doing it so we’re like, “Oh, stop that.   You’re embarrassing all of us.”  They’re always trying to stand up on their hind legs when you enter the room and their owners are all, “GET DOWN, MR. PUMPERNICKEL.  WE DO NOT JUMP UP ON OUR VISITORS.  STOP SMELLING CROTCHES.”

Victor:  Hmm.

me:  They clearly want to stand on their back legs.  I think dogs would have probably turned bipedal years ago if we weren’t so uptight about crotches.

Victor:  Wow.  You’re absolutely right.

me:  I’m…wait.  You’re agreeing with me?

Victor:  If it makes you stop talking, then yes.  I agree wholeheartedly.

me:  Oh.  How terribly disappointing.

I wanted to post a picture of Hunter S. Thomcat standing on his hind legs but he got all intentionally floppy on me so instead I’m posting a picture of him wearing an inflatable unicorn horn:

That's what you get Hunter.  Next time stop being so floppy.
And that’s what you get for being so aggressively floppy, Hunter.   Learn to pick your battles, dude.

147 thoughts on “I think I’m onto something but probably not.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Hysterical. And now I’m going to be thinking about whales. Whales have two eyes and NO legs! Are they supposed to have legs? Why don’t they? Maybe they’re supposed to walk on their tail? Then why don’t they have just one eye?

  2. The truth is that cats DO have two extra eyes but they are SECRET. It’s how they always know when you are about to stand up from your chair so they can jump into your lap.

  3. “Aggressively floppy” is absolutely accurate…we had cats that became boneless blobs of fur the moment they were picked up. It’s a little creepy and unhelpful, actually. Maybe it’s the lack of extra eyes.

  4. I absolutely expect my cats to get day jobs. The need to be paying rent damnit. Sadly, I am still waiting. It’s a catspiracy, I tell you.

  5. Of course you must worry about what Hunter will do to you when you least expect it to get his revenge. That look in his eyes says he’ll put it on YouTube for all to see.

  6. You’re either onto something or on something…either is fine by me.
    My Lily Mae still plans to marry Hunter S. Tomcat. That is her on my shoulder in my photo.
    You should probably show him her picture before we arrange their marriage.
    (and she plans to continue to live with me and never consummate their marriage, just so he understands)

  7. Wow, that’s a big horn! I mean I’ve seen those for sale on Amazon, but it always looked so much smaller on the cat on the box… maybe that cat on the box is like an abnormally large cat and it makes the horn look smaller… this is kinda making me question everything now…

  8. bwhahhhahhahhhahhahhahahhha! Poor Victor and poor poor Hunter S. Thomcat. 🙂

  9. Oh no! Hunter S. Thomcat is wearing a strap-on! He’s trying to take over some of Mr. Pumpernickel’s crotch territory, obviously.

  10. I am concerned that my cats DO have day jobs. One particularity vexing job is them messing with my TV settings. Also, they open my bedside table for the dogs.

  11. I absolutely love Victor’s snarkiness 🙂 He is totally my idol for how I wish I could think of things to say in the heat of a conversation. I only ever thing of that shit later when it makes no sense to anyone but me.

  12. Girl cats make up for the missing eyes with lots of extra nipples. And they get offended when you look at their face, and get all “HEY! My nipples are down here!”

  13. Sharks have 2 penis’s, 2 eyes and no legs.
    Lol! I can’t stop laughing and my brain won’t quit trying to reconsil this one!

  14. You should be in charge of all scientific studies from now on. You have the power to find out the answers to these pressing questions, Jenny. (yes, I said that in my head like he-man)

  15. I can absolutely guarantee you are correct as I have seriously caught all three of the meows that live here wandering on two legs – how else are those dang beasts getting into the drugs and wine!

  16. One of the museums where I work has Glass Lizards. They’re lizards with two eyes and NO LEGS. They look like snakes but they’re not snakes.

    Food for thought. Or nightmares, whatever.

  17. There is definitely something other-worldly about cats? They are hiding something? It’s about damn time they get jobs!!!

  18. Note to self: Turn on safe search when searching for “cat standing on its hind legs and wearing glasses” images. shudder

  19. Can you send that cat over here with some powdered donuts? I’m hot and I’m hungry. I can play ring-toss with his unicorn horn.

  20. You’re right, Jen. Cats have an extra eyelid, hence the need for the four legs, so your maths is correct. Please feel free to share this information with Victor.

    My two cats have day jobs. They catch the chipmunks and mice that try to beak into our house and eat our food. So far, they’re doing pretty well. In fact, they are doing so well that they bring in LIVE chippies and put them on the floor for me to admire. Which I do, for a millisecond, before all hell breaks loose, and I have four children screeching, “Ginger/Alli brought in a chipmunk”, and I have to chase the poor demented creature around, and catch and release it.

  21. I think it just boils down to a fact that we have to face. Humans are just insects and cats rule the world.

  22. I think the answer is obvious- cats are both lazy and jerks. They stole the extra legs from the whales, just so they wouldn’t have to work.

  23. Okay, my niece, who–bless her heart–is 14, has a job helping out at the state fair. She told her mom “One of the ducks, that stands on two feet, has a really long neck.” My sister said, “that’s probably a goose or swan.” “Oh,” she said, “Well one of the other ducks, that stands on two feet…” “wait,” my sister said, “Why do you keep specifying that it stands on two feet?” “Well,” said my niece, “because it didn’t have four legs like the other ducks.” “Uh, no. All birds have two legs. Ducks have two legs.” “well, how was I supposed to know, they’re always laying down!” So there’s that.

  24. I once had a cat that would walk on his hind legs when he wanted my attention. He was the coolest cat.

  25. “Are they supposed to be bipedal but they’re just lazy?”
    YES. Cats are freeloaders! I keep telling mine to help out with household chores, but the ingrates just keep loafing around.

  26. Oh, Hunter. You. Lose.

    My cats intentionally flop everywhere, but I’m pretty sure that, when we leave, they are totally striding around on two legs, running up long-distance phone charges and eating all the leftover chips.

  27. When I was a baby, I walked on all fours. My children did the same thing. So all those animals that are using their forelimbs to walk instead of for useful things like turning doorknobs are developmentally slow.

  28. It’s true. Cats are smarter than dogs. They don’t want to give away any of their mystery. And they’re not about to relinquish any of their powers. My dog is pretty smart and only walks around on hind legs when stealing food behind our backs. Most dogs aren’t as smart. All that being said, I love dogs. And I hate crotch sniffing. I’m rambling now, but THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME TAKE A PICTURE WITH YOU LAST FRIDAY. I think I’m still a bit overwhelmed–hence the rambling.

  29. @Stephen M Schwartz (up at #33)—thank you for the video!! I love the kinda drunken, lurching motion most of them seem to have!! I have 2 sister cats who both occasionally stand up on their hind legs—but they look more like bunnies or meerkats. Immobile ones. BECAUSE LAZY.

  30. Oh lord this really had me chuckling! Sounds like the kinda conversation I’d have with my other half. Or the kinda conversation I have with my sister at 3am when our overtiredness has sent us wappy haha!

  31. Do you think when you are alone?

    Have you ever called in sick to your job because of your thinking?

    Does your thinking affect your choices of which friends you spend your time with?

  32. Please, can you compile a book of all of your conversations with Victor so I can stop reading them in such itty bits? Please???!!!! Think of the joy you could bring to us all 🙂

  33. Well, maybe their assholes can be considered at least a third eye, the way they’re always sticking in your face at staring at you with it…

    Interesting theory, though. I like it.

  34. Haha! I love how he refuses to play along for the picture. He’s like, “nope. unicat’s don’t like to be bossed” 🙂

  35. The cat looks like he is surprised to be a member of the Dr. Seuss chapter of the klan.

  36. I don’t know about the legs thing, but cats are definitely working on an evil plor to evolve thumbs. So far the results are polydactyl cats. So, extra toes, anyway.

  37. I disapprove of your reasoning only because it implies that spiders have the correct number of legs, which is clearly FALSE because eight legs is just too damn many when you’re staring down a giant house spider in the bathroom at 2am.

  38. Oh c’mon. Even Victor has to admit that cats have been shirking all work and responsibility forever. We all know their collective goal is to keep us enslaved. They are probably behind most of the cute kitty videos online. Building up their brand recognition. I’ll bet they were properly pissed off when dogs surpassed cats in popularity. Not anymore canines!

    You think that when you are trying to take a picture of them and they lick the base of their tail that they are just stupid? No. It’s because you didn’t go through their publicist first.

  39. So grateful to my friends who told me about your blog, Jenny. You absolutely MADE my day today!

  40. OK, that one REALLY made me laugh. But you’re wrong. Worms DO have legs. They’re just terribly modest, so they hide them so you can’t see them. There goes your theory.

    Keep up the good work.

  41. I’ve seen my cats do the groundhog/meerkat pose but so far no one has committed to being bipedal. “I’m a unicorn, mother fucker!”

  42. You know, the more you talk about it and the more I think about it, not only do spiders have more eyes, but like cats and dogs see more crap than we do, like ghosts. Part of me is realizing somehow we humans got gypped in the evolution process, and the other part of me is pretty happy I don’t see half the things cats do.

  43. Umm, what about horses, cows, pigs, mice, or lizards? Jess makes an excellent point about cats and their third eye though. Also what happened there when you switched from “me:” to “Jenny:”? Either you went all third person for just a second, or Victor took over your post. lol

    (DAMMIT. ~ Jenny)

  44. I get to be “that guy”! Woo! Cats actually only have two legs. Their front “legs” have essentially the same bones as human arms, and so effectively are arms. They just happen to walk on their arms as well as their legs.

  45. How soon after that picture was taken was there a big POP? My cat would destroy the inflatable horn in milliseconds. She’s why we can’t have nice things. And because they cost money. If the cat would just get a damn job, she wouldn’t be at home breaking things, plus, we’d have more money to buy nice things. Win/Win.

  46. Sharks HAVE TWO PENISES?! Don’t know why that is the only post that just grabbed me, but,really? I now have to google……I also just read a post elsewhere that the male octopus pulls off his Willie and throws it at the female so she can inseminate herself…..then he grows a new one. All of this cannot be true…….I would have heard in the last 52 years….right?

  47. JENNY, have you seen this website? Omigosh, you should have one of these, but my guess is that it’s unaffordable. http://wood-splitter-lee.deviantart.com/ The Hand Made Poseable Fantasy Thunder Stag! is beautiful! Sorry Hunter, but you are STILL my FAVORITE unicorn-horn-hat cat.

  48. Okay, the whole thing was great — but then I saw that you named your cat Hunter S. Tomcat, and now I love you, in that way that a stranger platonically loves another stranger in a totally non-creepy way because of a blog.

    Unfollowing now so I can have the satisfaction of clicking “follow” again.

  49. Thanks, I needed that. I’m glad I’m not the only one who gets that response from loved ones… Also, in our family that intentionally floppy state is called “going flopbottom”. I think it’s a James Herriott phrase. It gets worked into conversation surprisingly often, along with another diagnosis of his called “going crackerdog”. It’s a surprisingly accurate descriptor for a very particular kind of insane behavior seen in many domesticated mammals, including humans.

  50. If your readers think that THAT pointy, 11-inch thing on his head is a dildo, then I have severely underestimated the masochism of your target demographic.

  51. Victor: Have you been drinking?
    me: No, I’ve been thinking.

    Amazing. Also, I would enjoy seeing Hunter S. Thomcat as Unicat challenge Unikitty for unicorn-cat hybrid supremacy but sadly only one of them is real. Or none of them are real. Reality is a slippery thing on this blog.

  52. I cannot decide if he looks offended by the horn or surprised you figured out his species motives

  53. @Deana #47,
    We welcome our visitors from the great Centauri Republic.

    “Yes, it’s like being nibbled to death, by cats.”

  54. @Denise, if you think the sharks are bad, just wait till you google hyenas. keyword: pseudophallus.

  55. Cats only have two legs, their front ones have elbows, that makes them arms. Elephants on the other hand – four knees = four legs – where are those sneaky bastards hiding their extra eyes?

  56. Cats DO have extra legs that they reveal when being shoved into a cat carrier. They’re suddenly octocat!! And they use all of them to avoid getting in that box at any price!

  57. Dogs bipedal at times just to get food, cats don’t give a shit and know that you will eventually feed them. That or they will kill a bird and drop it at your feet as payback for not feeding them fast enough….

  58. The answer is this. Cats are Satan. It’s that simple. If they revealed their ability to walk on their hind legs alone (they can do it, don’t for a second, think otherwise) then they would no longer have staff to cater to their every whim and fancy. Yes, staff. You didn’t think you OWNED them, did you?

  59. First, food for thought for you Jenny- squid have two eyes and TEN tentacles (although they don’t walk on them)! Next, for comment #47, my daughter (now 30) made a 4 legged duck in ceramics in elementary school AND I can prove it ( if I knew how to post photos) because I still have it on my bookcase, so there is proof there are 4 legged ducks. Why would she make one if they aren’t real?

  60. Be careful Jenny. Sleep with one eye open. Hunter looks a tad put out. and now he has access to a horn. You may have unwittingly added to his arsenal.

  61. I’m always telling my dog to stop smelling my crotch. And I think someone is going to send you another unicorn cat within seconds. I would if I were not so technically challenged.

  62. And this is why your my spirit animal, Jenny. The other day we had my cat de-clawed
    (i know stupid, but hubby’s decision) so when we brought him home his front claws had bandages. So instead of stepping on them he walked on two feet. It looked like a fuzzy raptor. I think they evolved into the four feet to survive. Your kitty’s are really ancient raptors and t-rexs who learned to walk on all fours to defeat natural selection. Basically cats are bad ass dinosaurs who we can not categorize.

  63. I rescued a stray cat about ten years ago. I figured he should have a collar and a tag in case he ever got lost, so I found a cute collar and put it on him. Bad idea. He went from normal, sleeping on the floor cat to a crazed, zombie monster the second the collar clicked on. He got up, yes, on his back legs, began an increasingly louder and scarier growl, and stumbled towards me like he was bent on destruction. Needless to say, the collar came back off.

  64. It’s all very Orwellian if you ask me. Four legs good. Two legs bad. Unless it changes. Hrrmm.

    This could get ugly!

    But the ability to have a DIY UniKitty is awesome. So, there’s that.

  65. Actually, cats DO have 4 eyes, same with dogs… they have a “third eye” in each eye that comes up when their eye is injured. It is really like an extra eye flap, but it is call their third eye for some reason… so in that theory, CATS DO HAVE FOUR EYES.

  66. it just occurred to me that it’s completely possible that victor never talks and you’re just hearing these conversations in your head, which is totally okay, but wow, what’s it like being married to a mute?

  67. There seems to be an imbalance here… why to they have 8 nipples but have 12 in a litter?
    Cats have a sense that makes up for the missing two eyes. Dongs… well not so much.

  68. I need to take a moment to appreciate that you named the dog Mr. Pumpernickel. That’s perfect. My dog (and my foster cat that I named) have incredible names. Gizmo (my dog) has a full name: Sir Gizmo Bean von Wigglesworth [my last name]. The cat’s name is Tito Merlot Licksalot. However, Mr. Pumpernickel is amazing. I’m a little jealous I didn’t think of it myself.

  69. Cats probably have the all-seeing third eye, and because they’re so smart, they probably have TWO of those.

  70. Wouldn’t it make more sense, if we’re so offended by crotch sniffing, to make the dogs walk upright so their noses are no longer in that general vicinity? Maybe I’m thinking too much myself….

  71. Is that a hole in your leather pillow behind Hunter? That inflatable unicat horn must be pointier than it looks. (Unless, of course, that’s the hole left by that dick Elf.)

  72. Maybe the whole eye/leggedness thing can be explained simply by noting cats eyes are gigantoid. If you compared the percentage of eyeballness in a human head, cat’s eyes would take up way more room. If a cat’s head were enlarged to human head size, their eyes would be the size of tennis balls. You know, like one of those grey-skinned black-eyed aliens. Creeptastic and vaguely reminiscent of spiders.

  73. Not checking to see if someone had already posted but…
    Not all spiders have 8 eyes. Some have 6. Some have 4
    Also, while not legs, the pedipalps and chelicarae (or mouth and fang appendages ) actually
    mean most spiders have 10 -12 appendages, not 8.

  74. When my step-mom’s dog had puppies one was all black and I named her Pumpernickel. They didn’t let me keep her, unfortunately. But I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who thought that’s a bad dog name.

  75. I WANT this on a T-shirt: “Have you been drinking?”
    “No, I’ve been thinking.”
    “Just as dangerous with you, really.”

  76. I have 2 cats, and they between them they have 1 eye that has about 20% vision. In the eye/leg ratio department, they got seriously screwed, but they are awesome, confident, sweet, mischievous little monsters anyway. And they can kill and eat a housefly if they want to, so they have blind kitty superpowers regardless.

  77. ‘Intentionally floppy’ has just become my go-to description of this particular cat behavior. Manythanks!

  78. Dang, Boston Karen beat me to it. But seriously — that needs to be on a shirt. Just the first two sentences, though. XD

  79. Haven’t laughed this hard in a LONG time! And now I’m sitting here, laughing like an idiot. I’m sure everyone thinks I’ve finally lost it for good…lol

  80. Sorry, he does nit look like unicat, he looks like he has a penis strapped to his head. You should probably never sleep again, he’s thinking up his revenge…

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