Yesterday my friend Laura and I decided we needed a break so we went camping (fine, glamping) and it was very relaxing until we checked our phones in front of the camp fire and realized that we’d gotten tons of frantic, distraught emails from the DCCC (Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee) who was using some fairly odd tactics to get us to donate cash to fund ads battling the ads that the Republicans were seeking donations for. I’m not into politics so I’m sure I explained that wrong, but what I do know is that all night we were flooded with so many doom-filled emails that if the DCCC was a person I would have called the police to have them do a well-check. I realize this is partially our fault, as Laura and I have each donated before, and that we could have unsubscribed if we wanted to, but at a certain point it became so insane that it crossed over into baffling entertainment.
Just a few of most terrifying:
From: Nancy Pelosi <dccc@dccc.org>
Date: September 30, 2014
Subject: we. will. fail.We will fail to hit our goal tonight
Laura, we’ve tried everything.
— President Obama has emailed you.
— Hillary Clinton has emailed you.
— I’ve emailed you more than I can count.But with this new Republican outside spending, we’ll still need 28,OOO more online donations to be able to compete.
It’s hard to see that happening with just 4 hours until the deadline.
We have a meeting set to figure out how we’ll slash our campaign plan. But for right now, we have to ask one more time:
Can you please donate to President Obama’s call-to-action, and help us limit the damage?
MIDNIGHT DEADLINE: All Gifts Triple-Matched!
Thanks, Nancy
Nancy’s disappointment in us was palpable and we suspected we would soon be grounded. Then more letters flooded in from equally frantic DCCC members asking for donations and saying things like:
“We’ll be blunt: We need help. And we don’t know where else to turn”
“It’s just awful.”
“We’ve got nothing left, Laura.”
“YOU ARE ON NOTICE.”
“If we fall behind now, we will be past the point of no return. We will lose.”
The subject lines alone made me need xanax: “no time. just read.” “PUMMELED.” “BEGGING.” “we. will. fail.” “Please help!” “TRAGIC Conclusion.” You could almost hear them pulling their hair out and tearing at their clothes. Honestly though, the “BEGGING” one did push me into action. Here it is:
From: James Carville <dccc@dccc.org> Date: September 30, 2014 Subject: BEGGINGI’m not going to sit by and let the Republicans buy this election.
Will you chip in $5 or whatever you can right now to turn this election around?
(If it helps, I’ll beg too.)
We’re still coming up short.
When we say we’re begging, we’re REALLY begging.
Control of Congress is at stake. President Obama’s agenda is on the line. And we’re in serious danger of falling short here.
If we can’t pull it together TODAY, we’re going to get demolished.
We’re begging, Laura. We need 13 donors from your zip code to answer President Obama’s call-to-action. Can you step up today?
MIDNIGHT DEADLINE: All Gifts Triple-Matched!
Sure, it was a little unsettling that our own party was sending us emails that made us feel like we’d all spontaneously explode that night, but in their defense, that terrifying email shamelessly entitled “BEGGING” was the one that spurred me into action. Sure, I could donate the $5 they were asking for, but I’d already done that before and it obviously wasn’t enough to stem the hysteria so Laura and I decided to use some good ol’ DCCC tactics to raise morale and money: Apocalyptic-sounding emails.
We replied directly to James Carville’s email:
Date: September 30, 2014
To: “dccc@dccc.org”
Subject: Re: BEGGINGDear James Carville:
I am begging you right back.
Please, please, please, for the love of God, send me a photo of yourself holding a Popsicle or other frozen confectionary by midnight tonight and I will not only donate five dollars, I will match that five dollars.
If the frozen dessert is an ice cream sandwich I will triple match it.
And I’ll use that photo to raise money for our party. Your gift can make or break us.
DON’T LET US DOWN, JAMES CARVILLE.
Unsurprisingly, the DCCC recognized the power of vaguely threatening emails and responded immediately. They must have been confused though, because their email read like a form letter and began like this:
From: <dccc@dccc.org>
Date: September 30, 2014
Thanks for emailing us at the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee (DCCC)!
If you have a question or request, we want to get you what you need as quickly as possible:
1. Want to donate online to our campaign to elect Democrats? CLICK HERE TO ACCESS OUR SECURE DONATION FORM…
We stopped reading at that point because they seem to have misread our initial email. Suddenly I understood how frustrated they probably were. It is awful when people ignore your histrionic emails. But we took a deep breath and (following standard DCCC procedures) we decided to send another email explaining the severity of the issue and the level of shame they need to feel:
Date: September 30, 2014
To: DCCC
Subject: Re: Thanks for emailing the DCCC Membership Team!Dear DCCC:
Thanks for emailing us at Laura’s laptop!
You said: “If you have a question or request, we want to get you what you need as quickly as possible” but the quickest way would have been to respond to my original response asking James Carville to send a photo of himself holding a popsicle (or similar) by midnight. Please see original email for details as it could be worth up to $15 to our party.
PULL IT TOGETHER, DCCC.
“1. Want to donate online to our campaign to elect Democrats?” Yes. Desperately. But I can’t help you until you help yourself. As Nancy Pelosi said to me moments ago, “I’ve emailed you more than I can count.” (Twice, actually. So I guess I can count how many times. Sorry. I’m bad at hyperbole.) At first I thought Nancy was shaming me a bit much considering that we don’t know each other, but I understand her frustration now.
If we don’t get the photo of James Carville holding some sort of frozen dessert the Republicans will have already won. As you said to me a few hours ago, if we don’t have your cooperation “We. Will. Fail.”
YOU ARE NOW OFFICIALLY ON NOTICE. Your chance to get my donation TRIPLE-MATCHED will end at midnight tonight. Control of Congress is at stake. Please, don’t delay.
Also, that last paragraph was taken almost directly from the email you sent me moments ago but I don’t know how to do it in the flashing yellow warning letters like you did. Please know, however, that I am just as serious, regardless of font.
Shockingly, no popsicle pictures came. Apparently the DCCC were just as immune to our threats as we were to theirs.
We checked on twitter to see if we were alone in getting these terrifying emails every few minutes. We were not: (You should see a box of tweets here that you can scroll down through when your mouse is inside it. If not, just go to the link)
We waited for the whole hour(s?) for a follow-up after the midnight deadline passed, but all was quiet. We had expected another email. Possibly something with the subject: “WE. ARE. DOOMED. And it’s mostly your fault” with a picture of orphans and kittens and orphaned kittens being speared by gleeful Republicans making giant shish-ka-bobs. Instead? Silence. They were serious. It really had been our last chance to donate and be triple-matched. We felt a bit bad and said a prayer for the people at the DCCC, who we hoped were being given sedatives by helpful nurses.
The next day this came from Nancy:
Date: Wed, Oct 1, 2014
Subject: we. fell. short.
I was being dead serious when I said we’d miss our goal last night.We fell short.
Despite emails from President Obama, Hillary Clinton, and myself…we just couldn’t get it done.
It was one of the most aggressive fundraising goals we’ve ever had. We even surpassed our initial goal of 1OO,OOO online donations in 5 days. But we were forced to raise our goal when we learned that Republican outside groups put in 12 million dollars at the very last-minute.
I’m not giving up. And you shouldn’t either, Laura.
We have one last chance to right this ship. To do it, we need 11 donors from your zip code to make a triple-matched donation by midnight.
TRIPLE-MATCH EXTENSION: (for donations made TODAY ONLY)
Chip in $5 immediately >>
Chip in $35 immediately >>
Chip in $50 immediately >>
Chip in $100 immediately >>
Chip in $250 immediately >>
Or click here to donate another amount.
Thanks,
Nancy
PS. For those of you who might be new here: This isn’t a political post. It’s more about marketing. Also, it’s a waste of your time to debate politics in the comments section because this community is fairly divided politically but united in the fact that you have the freedom to believe whatever you want no matter how wrong you are. I’m a Democrat but I’m married to a Republican and we can both agree that there’s a lot of crazy bullshit on both sides. If you can’t recognize that you probably need to seek help right now. But first give me $5 immediately if you believe in America, or else all the American eagles will become so despondent that they’ll lay out in the middle of the road and just let you run over them.
PPS. I wrote this yesterday but forgot to publish it. This is exactly why I should never be trusted with deadlines, Democrats.