IT IS MY MOTHERFUCKING BIRTHDAY AND I HAVE A SNIFFLY-ASS NOSE.
It should be against the law to not be able to breathe properly on your birthday, but such is the curse of the Capricorn…always having to share a birthday month with Jesus, and usually taking too many antibiotics to have another margarita.
But, it is my birthday and if I could ask you for a present I’d ask you to go buy my second book, but I’m putting the finishing touches on it this week so you are off the hook. Unless you haven’t read my first book, in which case get thee to a bookery.
Still, it feels like birthdays should have presents and so in celebration I’d like each of you to do something wonderful for yourself. Maybe buy yourself those shoes you can’t stop thinking about, or watch bad tv that you love, or pet all the cats at the animal shelter, or tell the person you have a secret crush on that I’m forcing you to make out with them, or just lock yourself in a room and read until you make yourself dizzy. It’s up to you. Or if none of that does it for you, I’ve made you something.
It’s a horoscope. It is non-refundable so I hope you like it. Also, there are probably a lot of typos. I blame the margaritas antibiotics.
WHO ARE YOU?
Capricorn: The tears of a Capricorn can heal a broken typewriter if applied directly. You can provoke those tears by reminding the Capricorn that they have a terrible mascot/patronus. Seriously…goat head + fish tail = WORST MERMAID EVER.
Libra: Never ask a Libra to mail you a five dollars. They suck at this. PROVE ME WRONG, LIBRAS.
Leo: No one is good at eating corn on the cob, but Leos are the best at not being good at it.
Sagittarius: Never tell a Sagittarius to calm their tits. They will become violent and stabby. “No, why don’t you calm your tits, sir? MY TITS ARE WILD AS THE WIND.” ~ Said every Sagittarius ever.
Cancer: Cancers always tap on the glass, even when the sign specifically says not to tap on the glass. If you tell them not to tap on the glass they will tap even harder while staring right at you. Don’t fuck with Cancers.
Pisces: Pisceses are confusing. Mostly because spellcheck doesn’t even recognize that Pisceses exist. Instead it’s telling me that the plural of “Pisces” is still “Pisces”, which seems wrong. But I guess the plural of “fish” is still “fish,” so that sort of makes sense? But if the plural possessive of fish is “fish’s” then would the plural possessive of Pisces be Pisces’s? Pesci? Oh my God, my head hurts. Thanks a lot, Pisceses.
Aries: The Aries wants to correct your poor grammar on the internet but they won’t out of fear of writing something grammatically incorrect in their correction. Except sometimes they will. They’re terribly unpredictable, those wily Aries.
Gemini: Almost every adult Gemini is missing his or her original teeth. That’s right. Your secret is out, Geminis.
Khaleesi: Not a real sign. True heir to the Iron Throne.
Scorpio: Scorpios act all tough, but really they are a full sack of feelings. Who hurt you, Scorpio? TELL ME WHO HURT YOU.
Virgo: Virgo is simply not having it. None of it. None of your motherfucking bullshit. Awww, you done fucked up now. You better run. Virgo’s got a knife.
Taurus: The great tragedy of the Taurus is that they can’t eat cheese. No, that’s not right. It’s that they are always making witty references but no one in real life understands the references. No. Hang on. Is it something about gluten? Shit. The great tragedy of the Taurus is that no one remembers what their great tragedy is.
Aquarius: The only thing Loch Ness Monsters find more delicious than an Aquarius is two Aquariuses. Don’t go into the water, Aquariuses. That’s how they get you.
PS. Happy birthday to you. I know it’s not your birthday but I’m getting a head start on next year. Unless it is your birthday, in which case I totally knew that. That’s why I made you this horoscope. Happy birthday, us. We’re awesome.