What are you even looking for? Seriously. What the shit.

Every once in awhile I look at the top searches that bring people to this blog, and then I think, What?  Why?  What?  And then I share it with you because honestly it’s jut too fucked up not to share.

The strangest searches that lead people to my blog this week:

pierced dog ears (Stop it.)

Did unicorns ever exist? (They still do.  They’re just very strong and they’re called rhinos.)

If it weren’t for my big balls I could have won. (I’m not sure what the contest is but I think this is a very good excuse for anything.  Track.  Spelling bees.  Whatever.)

What was wrong with the doll in the land of misfit toys?  (Low self-esteem?)

Hyena in my belly button (Please, God, tell me you misspelled “hernia”.)

jenny the squirrel nude  (So confused.)

lf you laugh in a dream you hand out sperm.  (Is this a dream interpretation?  Because I think you’re doing it wrong.)

What does she mean when she said I am going to miss your blabbering (It doesn’t seem like a good sign.)

What causes belly button to protrude and get wounded  (Hyenas?)

What’s great about eating brownies?  (Pretty sure this is a trick question.)

Taxidermy pygmy goat for sale (Send me pics.)

What does it mean when u did in your ear it feel like something crawls away when i smoke (You’re totally high right now, aren’t you?)

women’s gurgling belly adult movies (Is that a new thing?)

Why is my umbilical cord chilly (I don’t even know what to say here.)

You know that i’m not going to fucking marry you regardless of what you say (I’m already married but I still feel rejected, so thanks.)

i am a number less than 3,000. when you divide me by 32, my remainder is 30. when you divide me by 58, my remainder is 44. what number am i?  (Are you coming here for math homework advice?  Because you are in the wrong place, my friend.)

Can I use a hot glue gun stick to make a anal plug? (OH MY GOD, NO.  Wait, do you mean before it’s heated?  But still, probably still no.)

Why do I have a long, clear hair on third eye?  (I think you’re concerned about the wrong thing.)

Cats eating baby brains.  (How did it even get this far?  Because babies heads are protected by skulls and cats really only eat the face meat at best.  Have you confused cats with zombies?  Also, why are you googling this.  Call a hospital.)

Recreational drug I smoked taste like burnt plastic (I think you might be smoking plastic.  Is your bong plastic?  Because that’s how you get cancer.)

The secret about watermelon (Is the secret that it’s delicious?)

What is a hat vulva?  (Well now we both want to know.)

Beaver shot (I’m not sure if this is a hunting thing or a sex thing but either way I’m not into it.)

I’m going to disney world but i dont know because i can’t read  (What?)

I have 3 nipples.  (Are you one and a half people?)

dont.you.love.when.your.in.conversation.and.you.get.hung.up.on.like.really.no call.back (What’s happening here?)

I think they replaced my generic xanax with genericer xanax (“Genericier” is my new favorite word.)

This is the second time my potato pain doctor is late sending in refill  (THANKS, OBAMA.)

Goat shoes (Sure.)

I put banana in my veginer (1.  That doesn’t sound sanitary, but it’s probably better than hot glue. 2.  Forget “genericier”.  “Veginer” is now my new favorite word.)

My meth won’t melt.  (I guess I don’t know how meth works.  Are you bragging or complaining?)

My cat seems like she is feeling good what am i doing right? (I want to high-five you and also I’m confused.)

Why are girl scouts such bullshit  (Mom?)

alligator lizard in my toilet (What is even happening here?)

ear digging bugs in cambodia  (Nooope.)

dead squirrel wall  (There’s a dead squirrel in your wall or you have a wall built out of dead squirrels?  Either way, ew.)

hamster vargina seal broken (This is just a random string of words, right?  Please?)

Twitter my little pony friendship witchcraft aeroport (Am I high?  Are you high?)

Why am I so muscular? (Wow.)

Angry because my cat don’t pick up my phone. (Pick your battles, dude.)

can i eat kfc mashed potatoes with inflamed gallbladder? (No.  Use your mouth.)

hydrogen peroxide in ear to remove roaches   (AAAAAAAAHHHH.)

You will be my valentine or get the hose again? (Well, that escalated quickly.)

*******

And now, the weekly wrap-up:

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

• As requested: Be the sloth you want to see in the world.

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

• I’ve been hiding out lately but I got interviewed by a high school and they were awesome.
• I realize it’s already dead but I’d still run away screaming.
• Dear everyone who told me to read Eleanor & Park: You were right.  I’m an idiot.