So I just heard Facebook is changing its algorithm again and I’m not sure what that means but if we’re judging from past changes it’ll just mean that it’ll suck more. Which is sad because there’s a lot of great stuff on Facebook, but you often have to wade though a lot of bullshit before you see it and then you go from “Let’s see what’s going on on Facebook” to “THE INTERNET IS PISSING ME OFF AND THE WORLD IS TERRIBLE AND I’M GOING TO DELETE MY ACCOUN-wait. Aw. Look at that hamster eating a burrito! Never mind. I’ll be back tomorrow. Maybe.” And that’s why I think it would be nice if people could label their posts on Facebook so that you can decide what you do or don’t want to see for the day. Maybe you want to just read happy stuff, or maybe you want something to yell about, or maybe you want to avoid crazy bullshit. Labels and filters would solve this problem.
Some suggested categories for people to use to label their Facebook status updates so that other people know what they’re getting into:
- This is what I had for lunch.
- You know you want to see my cat right now.
- I have a baby. Look at it.
- I wrote this when I was drunk.
- This is the best thing I’ve written all week and I want you to look at it. (Can only be used once a week.)
- I AM OUTRAGED ABOUT SOMETHING EVERYONE ELSE IS OUTRAGED ABOUT TOO.
- I AM OUTRAGED ABOUT SOMETHING EVERYONE ELSE IS OUTRAGED ABOUT TOO BUT I FOUND A WAY TO MAKE IT ALL ABOUT ME EVEN THOUGH IT’S NOT AT ALL.
- I AM OUTRAGED ABOUT SOMETHING AND IT’S ACTUALLY A LEGITIMATE THING YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE HEARD ABOUT ANYWHERE ELSE SO LOOK.
- Read my blog. I wrote an okay post.
- Read my blog. I wrote an awesome post.
- Read my blog. I wrote a boring-ass ad that I hated writing and I’m not going to tell you it’s an ad until the end even though it’s going to piss you off.
- Contains racist/homophobic/hateful meme but you can’t unfriend me because we’re related and if you do I’ll call you a stuck-up bitch at the family reunion.
- Contains blatantly wrong information that I should have googled first.
- Angry about a satirical news item that I think is real.
- Obligatory prayers to whatever crisis is going on because I feel helpless and it’s the only thing I can do.
- Actual action items that can help whatever crisis is going on but will probably not make your newsfeed because I’m not as popular as other people you’re following who are just offering obligatory prayers.
- I’m in a bad place. Tell me it’s going to get better.
- Videos of weird stuff. Good weird though.
- Videos of weird stuff. Not good weird though. Maybe call the police.
- Videos that are too loud, start with profanity and are on autoplay so you can’t turn down your computer volume fast enough to not get fired.
- I already know I’m pretty but tell me I’m pretty. Do it again. Never stop. This is my 18th selfie of the morning.
- Picture of me with no make-up, hash tagged #Iwokeuplikethis even though it’s obvious I’ve got makeup on and did not wake up like this.
- Picture of me with no make-up, hash tagged #Iwokeuplikethis where I look sort of scared because seriously, where am I? Who drew this penis on my forehead? Frank? Did you do this? WTF FRANK? THIS IS WHY NO ONE LIKES YOU.
- I’m lonely. Let’s talk.
- Funny video of people getting hurt.
- Not funny video of people getting hurt.
- Video of sloth/hamster/ hedgehog in bathtub/raccoon being adorable.
- Video of above, but recut so it’s way too long and you’re going to end up closing it in disgust because NO ONE HAS TIME FOR THIS.
- Actually hysterical/wonderful/joyous news.
- I don’t have anything to share but I don’t want you to forget I exist.
- Bragging about something anyone could achieve if they had a large credit limit.
- Bragging about something that required talent or hard work.
- I’m very happy right this second and I want to share because it’ll make you happy too.
- I can’t believe you dumped this sweet ass, Frank. (Usually contains partial nudity or questionable life choices.)
- Vague-booking something so subtly that everyone is confused and no one knows how to respond.
- Vague-booking something so obvious that everyone reading wonders why I didn’t just name the person I’m dragging but I’m not naming them because I’m trying to be the mature one, Frank.
- Contains hyperbolic meme that is so over the top even people who agree with my cause will be embarrassed for me.
- Contains happy Jesus quote because I want people of all religions to be inspired.
- Contains angry Jesus quote because YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, FRANK.
- Boobs.
- Angry posts I’ll delete in an hour so you better read it now before I get threatened with a lawsuit.
- Things I only post because my mom follows me.
- Just trying to piss people off.
- Facebook post about quitting Facebook even though I’m obviously not since I just posted about it on Facebook.
- I don’t know how to turn off these auto-generated posts about my FarmVille account.
- Memes that end with the phrase “SHARE THIS UNLESS YOU HATE JESUS/FREEDOM/AMERICA/BABIES.”
PS. I know it sounds like I’m judging, but I am not. Mostly. I do lots of the above on a very regular basis so please don’t write a think-piece about this yelling at me for censoring you. Or if you do, label it appropriately on Facebook with “JENNY LAWSON IS BEING A REAL FUCKER AGAIN” so that I can keep track of all of them. That’s all I ask.
PPS. SHARE THIS UNLESS YOU HATE JESUS/FREEDOM/AMERICA/BABIES.