So I was in the drug store waiting for a prescription when this woman asked me, “You drink the baby?” And I was like, “I don’t drink babies,” but I didn’t say that out loud because it seemed like English wasn’t her first language and I was probably misunderstanding her, but then she repeated herself and I was forced to tell a stranger that I don’t personally drink babies.
But then she held up this package that had a lady enthusiastically sipping on a baby through a crazy straw and I was like, “Well. Now I understand your confusion.”
And so I told her, “I think maybe it’s just for sucking the snot out of sick babies?” and she looked appalled and said, “You just want to suck out their snot?” and I was like, “Lady, I don’t want to suck anything out of babies. I don’t even siphon gas from other cars,” and she looked even more confused and the pharmacist looked over at us and I was overdosing on awkward so I ran away and that’s why I need someone else to go pick up my pills for me, and it’s exactly why I don’t like to leave the house.
*******
And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!
Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:
This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Liz, who failed out of seminary for using the word “fuck” too much, and the word “God” way too little. And for writing “pigeon-rat” in the margins of her sermons, even though she had a really, really good reason. If you are craving the spirituality of religion, but with fabulous vagina parables, check out LizJamesWrites.com. There, you will also find the ABSOLUTE. GREATEST. CHRISTMAS DILDO STORY. OF ALL. TIME.