I don’t drink babies.

So I was in the drug store waiting for a prescription when this woman asked me, “You drink the baby?”  And I was like, “I don’t drink babies,” but I didn’t say that out loud because it seemed like English wasn’t her first language and I was probably misunderstanding her, but then she repeated herself and I was forced to tell a stranger that I don’t personally drink babies.

But then she held up this package that had a lady enthusiastically sipping on a baby through a crazy straw and I was like, “Well.  Now I understand your confusion.”

Well that’s…something.

And so I told her, “I think maybe it’s just for sucking the snot out of sick babies?” and she looked appalled and said, “You just want to suck out their snot?” and I was like, “Lady, I don’t want to suck anything out of babies.  I don’t even siphon gas from other cars,” and she looked even more confused and the pharmacist looked over at us and I was overdosing on awkward so I ran away and that’s why I need someone else to go pick up my pills for me, and it’s exactly why I don’t like to leave the house.


And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):


This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Liz, who failed out of seminary for using the word “fuck” too much, and the word “God” way too little.  And for writing “pigeon-rat” in the margins of her sermons, even though she had a really, really good reason.  If you are craving the spirituality of religion, but with fabulous vagina parables, check out LizJamesWrites.com.  There, you will also find the ABSOLUTE. GREATEST. CHRISTMAS DILDO STORY.  OF ALL. TIME. 


97 thoughts on “I don’t drink babies.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I want the kind of job where I can get wasted and come up with “The Snotsucker” as a product name and my colleagues are all so wasted that they think it’s a great idea and the art department totally goes along because, well, wasted. That sounds like a pretty chill corporate culture

  2. Seems like it would be easier to drink babies if you put them in the blender first. This way seems way to difficult and the straw would get clogged pretty quick.

  3. HAHAHA. One time, at the deli, I thought the dude asked me if I wanted babies in between the cheese. He said papers. I babbled a few minutes about barrels of cheese babies and then said yes, I would like papers between my cheese slices.

  4. There’s motherly love and then there’s batshit crazy. Even those bulb aspirators give me the creeps. I was always afraid I’d suck out their brains a la the Egyptians. Thumbs down on the snot sucker!

  5. Snot aspirators? That’s actually a thing? How gross! I can’t believe how many of “your kind” of people you manage to find on Twitter. Those bathrooms are amazing and weird.

  6. Thank you. Visualizing the snot-suckage has effectively jumpstarted my after-Thanksgiving diet. My appetite is not even a thing now.

  7. Eeeew!!!! Snot is the WORST thing out of a baby, and,yes, I realize unpleasant stuff comes out the other end too, but I’d rather deal with THAT than snot!!!! I’m certainly not DRINKING snot!!! And, again, there are other things I wouldn’t drink/eat either, but I’m sure a drinking straw up a baby’s butt would cross a line no marketer could get away with!

  8. Those things are gross. I’ve got one just in case the kid gets sick, but it’s got a little plastic container halfway through the tube that collects the gross and prevents it from getting to my mouth. I think the nosefrida has a filter on it for that, but from the reviews I’ve read, it doesn’t always work and you have to replace it all the time. Thankfully, the kid hasn’t been sick yet.

  9. Snot, ew. But, you haven’t lived until you’ve experienced the rush of siphoning gas from the cars parked along the bend on the way to your best friend’s house so you can ride his four wheeler without his brother knowing about the gas levels. Or so I hear.

  10. First off why was she asking you?
    Second seriously….any person would realistically know No One at least in America drinks babies. Placenta yes but babies no….
    And this one if the many reasons

  11. First off why was she asking you?
    Second seriously….any person would realistically know No One at least in America drinks babies. Placenta yes but babies no….
    And this one of the many reasons I do not like talking to people

  12. I heard that there are some countries that only put the pictures of the actual products on the outside of their canned goods, and it appalls them to see those cans of formula with babies on the labels. Also, why in the name of all that is holy would anyone EVER want to suck someone else’s mucous. It turns my stomach just thinking about it. I couldn’t even wipe my own kid’s nose without wanting to hurl.

  13. Why the hell does this lady want to drink baby’s and why does she want you to drink babies. Also why is she upset you only drink the snot out of them. That lady’s nuts I’m glad you ran before she tried to drink you.

  14. The name means that my brain will only visualize Frieda Kahlo and in a surreal way, I think she could make drinking babies work. But, seriously, I don’t even pay $19.99 for wine much less drinkable baby snot!

  15. I’m guessing I’m the only one who saw the photo as the mom blowing up the baby.
    (I have flu. It’s my only excuse, but it works for everything.)

  16. So, yes, this is disgusting in concept. But when you have a tiny infant with their first cold, and you haven’t slept in weeks, you will try anything. And, well, this thing works. Plus, you don’t suck so hard that anything travels up that long of a tube.

  17. What would happen if you siphoned the snot too hard? Would you give the baby brain damage? I have so many questions…

  18. Geez, you really do weird things across the Pacific Ocean. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a contraption here for sucking the snot out of the nose of a baby.

  19. Who the fuck would want to do suck snot out of their babies’ nose??
    Dear babies, this is the time you need to become independent. Hope your mom or dad reads this to you.

  20. You had me at Christmas Dildo story.

    Also my husband is a pharmacist and he sees some pretty weird shit, way worse than your awkward episode, so you can still pick up your pills no problem. This might also be because I tried the nose Frieda (the baby snot sucker) on him to make sure it wasn’t painful. Alright now this just got awkward.

  21. Oh, there’s crazy straws for that now? And you sell them as specially packaged and named products? Cool. In my day, we just gave mouth-to-nose and spat out the snot. Okay, maybe some drank it, but I personally never ooooh decorative pillows

  22. Not gonna lie — the existence of the NoseFrida has been a not insignificant contributor to my desire to be childfree. I just have a thing about snot, and babies seem to require a whole lot of mucus management. Like Sim City only instead of a municipal water supply, it’s just wall to wall boogies.

  23. I’ll Drink Your Milkshake If You Don’t Leave Me Alone! Of course that only works if they saw the movie There Will Be Blood.

  24. I actually cried with laughter between this scenario (which is the sort of thing that would probably happen to me in the drugstore-I get all sorts of odd people asking me questions- I must look like I know my way around a pharmacy) but also the Golden Thread of Household Horrors and the Saddest Robot in the World!

  25. I laughed so hard at the Slippery Stairs show that I’m still crying. OMG, I would SO watch that! Had my brother cracking up as I did the sports commentating for that one. Too fun!

  26. Dear lord, it’s actually called the SNOTSUCKER. That’s horrifying. And disgusting. Wouldn’t it work the same (and be less disgusting) if they made a turkey baster like squeeze-and-suck thing that you squeeze, stick up the baby’s nose, and release to pull the snot out?

    I don’t think I ever want kids.

  27. Almost that exact stairs thing is something of a reoccurring nightmare for me. I think I’m trying to get to an algebra class and can’t make it up the stairs and I’m going to miss the final, which I haven’t studied for all semester, and then I’m mad because WHY AM I TRYING SO HARD FOR ALGEBRA?

    Oh, and sometimes I’ve forgotten to put on pants. I wake up glad I’m no longer in school. And also glad for pants.

  28. The other option would have been to semi-shout, “YES, isn’t it GREAT?” and start babbling about the nutrients in baby snot, then shift to the ideal diet for babies to produce the best quality snot, the virtues of imported organic baby snot, etc., and see how long it took for her to back, or run, away.

  29. I highly, highly, highly recommend Pillpack online pharmacy. I would just give up on taking my meds without it. It’s perfect for avoidant personality disorder.

  30. Using the large size Bass-O-Matic will liquefy them enough to get them through a straw. Of course if you didn’t clean it out really well at first it they may have a fishy taste. Unless you like that.

  31. This kind of looks like what you use to siphon fish poop out of the tank except I would 100% rather do that than ever go near snot with a straw.

  32. If anybody needs me, I’ll be huddled in the corner, shaking with the memory of the blue bulb syringe snot sucker, and my first baby’s wails, which were almost as loud as my own,

  33. Just a quick note: Rory pillows are only 20% off… Bought one anyway; but the shipping to Australia is a killer!
    @Gary: there are snot suckers here, but they are bulbs (so you don’t actually have to use your mouth to drink the baby)

  34. Sorry that last comment posted before I finished. I was going to say the world is a confusing place and people can be so weird, but you’re such a bright light that people feel safe in sharing their weirdness with you.

  35. oh, that’s wrong. just plain wrong.
    the image on the box is bad enough; do women actually DO this?

    no, don’t tell me. I truly don’t want to know. consider that a rhetorical question. PLEASE…

  36. Your pharmacy doesn’t have a drive up window? Also, a hundred years ago mommas would literally put their mouth over the baby’s nose to suck the snot out. We’ve come a long way.

  37. So, I was at the pharmacy with a friend who was picking up medication. We were at the pharmacy window and while I waited I was looking at a display just to the side of the window. The pharmacist and my friend were talking, and I spied something that made me laugh. I looked up to find the pharmacist was looking at me with a horrified expression. “You’re laughing at me because I have an ACCENT?!” she cried. “No!” I said, continuing to giggle. She again insisted I was making fun of her speech, and I continued to deny that. “Then WHY are you LAUGHING?” she demanded. Pointing to the display I said, “I didn’t know you sold vibrating cock rings here.” “Oh,” she nodded sagely, “The teenagers LOVE those.” I am telling you I laughed so hard tears almost ran down my leg.

  38. I saw that in the store a couple months back! My first thought was, “if that’s the price of admission, I’m quite happy not to have any kids.”

  39. I saw those all the time when I worked at Target but I never saw someone actually buy one.
    I would like to think that the patent of a sick baby would ask the Dr- ‘ok, let’s hold that as a last resort- what else do you suggest?’

  40. Sucking baby slime sounds unhealthy, it sounds like the way deceases get spread.
    Perhaps this product isn’t meant to make your baby healthy maybe it’s more like a way overworked/stressed out moms to get their husbands to take care of the flipping baby for a bit.
    (Crafty mommy) “I can’t take care of Tommy I’m siiiiick”
    (Heroic daddy) “Guess I’ll have to take care of the both of you now?”
    (Crafty mommy) “Yeeeees”
    Although we all know that there’s no real winners in this scenario, because mommy must be regretting her decision by the third time doubled over the toilet bowl, daddy is like “Wait how do diapers work and is this supposed to be green and Tommy thinks “Why is there a diaper on my head?”

    That’s basically the scenario popping into my head when looking at that.

    Why does this exist?

  41. OMG I JUST LAUGHED ENTIRELY TOO MUCH AND AM NOW COUGHING BECAUSE I CAN’T BREATHE FROM LAUGHING SO ENTIRELY TOO MUCH! Under normal circumstances, it would be laughing about your foreign snot-sucking lady, but this time, Jenny, I just have to thank you for posting the Japanese video and the Holiday Dildo story links. Thank you, from the bottom of my blocked sinuses and esophagus (because of seasonal ALLERGIES, you pervs! Not because of any holiday dildos!)!

    I think our friend, Mr. Cheo #fuckpants Jackson, would heartily approve.

  42. That is extra-special nasty. Whoever thought that was a good idea is not good at thinking.

  43. In 8th grade I read a story about a very poor kid who gets cholera and a woman sticks a pipette down his throat and she carefully sucks the mucus up into the pipette, not inhaling it herself, and then blows it out the door. This saves the kid’s life. And I felt terrible because if I were in the same situation I’d probably tell the kid, “Sorry you got cholera. You’re gonna die.”
    Also mucus is how our bodies trap and eventually expel diseases. Your kid’s snot should probably be left unsucked.

  44. I should show this to my daughter. She’ll be twenty in a month. We used to torture her with the ‘nose sucker’ until she was about four years old. To this day, her nose is sensitive. I’m such a bad parent.

  45. I work with people who live outside and I need about 1000 of those Furiously Happy blankets immediately. Can anybody spot me $58,000 plus shipping and handling?

  46. Well that was truly disgusting! Whatever happened to those nose bulbs they used to make for baby snot? Gross, but much less gross than accidentally ingesting baby snot – even if it is from your own baby. Mouth pipetting is not allowed in scientific labs and should not be allowed in baby noses either.

  47. I have to assume everyone going “people DO THIS?!” do not have children.

    First of all, snot is one of the LEAST gross things about babies.

    Second, babies with colds means no one is sleeping. A baby cannot breath through his mouth with a pacifier in. There are bulp aspirators, but they really just don’t work. This thing WORKS. It sounds totally disgusting and I held off buying it until my 2nd kid had croup at 8 months old and then wondered why the hell I’d put myself through so many colds without it. The snot doesn’t come anywhere near your mouth, it stays in the tube at the bottom. And it WORKS.

    (No judgement if it works. My great grandmother sucked it out of babies without even a bulb. ~ Jenny)

  48. lol It is a hilarious product but actually really useful. Importantly, IT HAS A FILTER so you never get baby snot anywhere near your mouth. Stuffed up babies can’t blow their nose and then they can’t eat properly (especially if they’re still bottle/breast fed) so getting them unclogged is super helpful.

    We saw a product in Thailand that was called “Cool my baby down cloth’ which was a cold cloth you’d put on children to help them if they had heat stroke. “Cool my baby down” is now part of my regular vernacular 😛

  49. Several years ago, my SIL was stationed in Japan. She sent me a couple of these snot-suckers for my new baby. Apparently they are a common gadget there. SO GROSS…but when the baby can’t breathe, these things are a miracle. No, I never actually had to make any kind of contact with the baby’s snot, it was engineered better than that.

  50. Oh my god, it feels like blasphemy to say this, but Liz James is as funny as you are. The dildo story is classic, but the blog where she talks to her shirt is you. You have a Canadian clone.

  51. I know they look gross, but they seriously work great. The filter in there keeps any snot from actually getting beyond the tube. My kid had major sinus issues as a baby and this thing was a miracle worker.

  52. I guess it depends on the situation… When my daughter was a baby she choked on mashed potatoes… I picked her up out of her car seat and sucked for all I was worth to get them out of her. It worked and was over in a few seconds… A mom’s gotta do what she’s gotta do…

  53. Totally saw a NoseFrida last night while at Target Customer service. I glanced over and laughed, and the lady with it glared at me. Then I pondered, do I mention the website? Do I try and explain? Nah, she’s trying to return a defective NoseFrida, she’s not in the mood. So I took the candy I bought online for Cyber Monday and went about my evening.

  54. These things are actually awesome. Come on, people, the fucking snot doesn’t go in your mouth. There is a barrier to prevent that. We use it all the time to improve our child’s ability to breathe and never once has a single molecule of mucus made it past. Get over yourselves already

  55. Ha! Who knew you get a straw? I thought you simply put your lips over the baby’s nose and sucked. A straw is far more dignified.

  56. The this thread is gold post,oh my god! There were a few I was really laughing out loud. It started right before the back door grandma’s house one and the giant penguin surprised me! Thanks for sharing. The slippery stairs, power rangers in Crisco? Lol

  57. Lol…as a home care nurse we had portable trach aspirators just like that! I had a pediatric patient that I occasionally accompanied to school…had to use that on him at a school picnic. Even knowing it has a back flow valve that won’t let it end up in my mouth is little consolation when one is pregnant, nauseous, and sucking mucous out of someone else!

  58. That was only a few sentences but so fulfilling for a poor lame duck sad sack like me. Also I’m putting another tally in the childfree column of acknowledged smugness that I have.

  59. I looove the nose Frida! My babies, not so much, but it works wonderfully to get all that shit out of their noses, and I have to point out that there’s a filter, so none of that shit is getting into your mouth😉

  60. I’m reading your first book. My observation is that you envision yourself are the “cutest little trick in shoe leather.” Your rants about driving in the wrong direction and antics with your husband are wearisome to slog through. I know you wrote this years ago, and you are clearly still getting a lot of mileage out of it. Panic attacks suck, and congrats for finding humor. I’ve known many who have anxiety disorder. Your enanorment with yourself is unsavory and disingenuous. You’re not cute. You’re not witty. Your book is just…really flat. The way in which you depict yourself as an adorable crazy person is really unappealing. I bet most of your anecdotes didn’t happpen in real time. You embellished them after the fact to try to make yourself look witty, quirky, and adorable. But you aren’t. Leave it at that.

  61. Wow, Anonymous commentator #87. Why did you bother to read this post? Why waste your time commenting on something so beneath you? Why read more of that book at all? Close the book and throw it in the fire, then pat yourself on the back for a job well done, since you found such a good use for it. Then just take your unhappy self and go away. Bye! Don’t let the door hit you on your way out.

  62. Thanks so much, AinOakPark! I’ve never posted on someone’s blog before but the book was so irritating. I have to admit, posting vitriol didn’t make me feel any better so I probably won’t do it again. I do take issue with your blanket comment that my “self” is “unhappy.” I just really don’t like her style. That said, I always finish a book, but maybe I should take your sage advice and close it. I’m not going to “throw it in the fire,” however, because this isn’t Ray Bradbury, “y’all.” Anyway, thanks for the response!

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  64. I got one of these for my baby shower and have tried it a few times. Now my baby has a bad cold, so I tried it again. This time, I had to show this post to my slightly horrified husband to explain why I was laughing about it the whole time. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I’m drinking the baby.

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