Category Archives: texts that should be bronzed

Blogging 101: The slightly involuntary guest-poster

Right now I have 3 weeks until my book is due and I’m freaking out and not sleeping and I’m waking Victor up at 4am to say “I’M STILL NOT ASLEEP” and then he throws a pillow at me and tells me to get out because he doesn’t understand that insomnia is slightly less awful if you at least get credit for how much you’re suffering at the moment.  But since I’m too freaked to even sleep correctly I’m bringing in my first real guest poster, my friend (Lisa G.) who is the most unintentionally quotable person I’ve ever met (as evidenced by the texts & updates she sends out on her phone every day). She refuses to get on twitter or start a blog and when I told her I was going to put her in the blog she replied that she could not care less what I did with all her texts and status updates and that’s what makes her the perfect guest poster.

As way of introduction, I’ve known Lisa almost half my life and her husband (Mano – pronounced like the disease) and her son (Tigo – age 7) are awesome.  Let’s get started.  BTW, in real life Lisa is the smartest woman I’ve ever met but when she talks she sounds a lot like if Kenneth from 30 Rock and  Brittany from Glee had a baby.  She is awesome and I want her to live in my closet.  Let’s start.

Texts from Lisa:

Lady working at Kroger told me everyone she knows is dead except her Pomeranian. Then she asked me to try some potato chips.

It was random and strange: the chips were barbeque.

Saw a bumper sticker today, “Deer, Beer, and Trucks: Who needs women?” And I thought, who does need women? Rednecks with stupid bumper stickers are the first people who come to mind.

I love my family, which is a good thing, because it turns out that I spend most of my time with them.

Why are they using hamsters to sell cars? I don’t find them inspiring.  They should be using them to sell treadmills.

Saw a woman with a sign on her car that said, ‘Baby Inside.’ I looked in, and there wasn’t even a car seat. I’m hitting her.

I am bored with hearing about the Royal Wedding. Lohan… steal something. Sheen… do something crazy. Hurry please!

I want to go stand outside with the smokers. They look like they are having fun.

I have decided to limit my diet to whatever I feel like eating.

Impulse items at the checkout line… so close to my escape from Wal-mart, I am forced to contemplate my need for a 6 foot roll of bubble tape.

They should really put the milk right there. This is always about the time I realize I forgot it.

I do not like swimwear with jewelry on it. I am going to the pool, not to prom.

Had a wine flight, but I am still here. Slightly disappointed.

I thought a flight would take me to another dimension. My expectations may have been a little high. The wine was very nice.

I want some of those shoes that look like feet. Not because they are good shoes, but because I want to be ironic.

If you aren’t supposed to hit the cars with the ‘Baby On Board’ signs, are the rest of the cars open game?

I am going to run a fake Chick-fil-A which I will only open on Sundays.

I need to start making better excuses. Sorry I won’t be attending the PTA meeting tonight. I need to get home right away to shoot heroin.

The most elegant answer to a problem is not necessarily the most complex.

But the complex answer makes you look smarter, so you should probably go with that.

A compost fair didn’t sound that fun until I realized that it came with a free compost bin! You know… It still doesn’t sound that fun.

I think everyone hates me, but I can’t definitively prove it. I am going to spend the rest of the afternoon irritating them to see if they yell at me.

Why am I here? And, more importantly, why aren’t there donuts?

Watching a Disney movie in the dentist waiting room. I should bring Tigo here more often.

At the kid dentist waiting for Tigo. Some guy is on his phone standing right in front of the movie Tangled. Dude… Some of us are trying to watch the girl with the hair!

The problem with seven year olds is they do not appreciate witty banter.

Why do we have all of these half-baked plans of how to get to Mars? It looks really boring there and it is obvious there is no Starbucks.

Dear People with ties and clipboards coming up to my door on a Saturday morning. There is nothing in the world I could possibly want from you. Please explain your situation to the large barking and growling dog while I continue to fold laundry.

I just had an epiphany. I came in here to share it with everyone, and realized that Tigo had left the television on. Now I have no more epiphany, and a lot of uneasy questions about a sea-dwelling sponge. Why is he square? Why does he wear pants?

The government shuts down at midnight, but I think the drive-thru is still open.

Everyday Tigo comes home from school with his candy in his backpack and multiple bottles of water. I think they are taking trips to some willie-wonka factory in a desert.

I am going to write a book called, ‘How to be HOT in the kitchen.’ People are going to think it is some sort of self-help erotica, but really it will be a cookbook of very spicy food.

Do you ever meet someone who is a train wreck waiting to happen? I always want to stay away from those. I go for the slower, more unfortunate distasters.

I’m not sure what deeper meaning the movie Shallow Hal was intended to convey. What I learned from it, is that if you look like Gwyneth Paltrow everything you do is cute… Even down to eating half a cake with your bare hands.

I wonder what it is like to walk around all day being evil. It might be nice.

Tigo had a friend stay over. They stayed up late watching science documentaries. I hope this kid comes back. If not, at least he is more familiar with the formation of the universe.

Why do they force crack dealers into the back alleys and then let the girl scouts stand right outside the grocery store with those thin mints? It makes no sense to me.

You know you are too cranky in the morning when you are irritated by bath product labels. Dear Shampoo Bottle: The clean you have supplied me with is NOT invigorating. Please try harder.

If I won the lottery, I would open a new jar of peanut butter every time I wanted some. I love how pristine it is before people start digging their spoons in.

And by ‘people,’ I mean me standing by the counter with a spoon in my kitchen.

Apparently, the universe will be dead in one google years. I don’t care. I won’t miss it.

I prefer my bridges burnt. It gives them a nice glow.

Remember that time you, me, and Stephanie went to Wendi’s and got those new chicken nuggets and they were disappointingly unimpressive?  That was a great day.

Tigo has a lego jail set. He keeps asking me about prison life: what they eat, how they get to the cafeteria, etc. I keep using his school as a frame of reference.

I hope I don’t get an invite to the royal wedding. Dinner with dignitaries sounds really tough. I would be sure to use the wrong napkin or something.

Watching Scooby Doo with Tigo… I used to watch these when I was his age and I don’t remember Fred ever having an email account. Next thing you know, Shaggy will be running from a ghost while updating his facebook status.

I want my own business. Should I sell Mary Kay or start a meth lab?